INACTIVITY AND CARELESSNESS IN THE FACE OF DANGER BECAUSE I WAS SURE
TO BE SOMEONE'S VICTIM. I GRINNED AND LOITERED IN GUILTY ANTICIPATION.
NOW I MUST BE HERE TO WATCH HER. I EXPERIMENT TO SEE IF I CAN STAND HER
PAIN. I CANNOT. I AM SLY AND DISHONEST TALKING ABOUT WHY I SHOULD BE
LEFT ALIVE, BUT IT IS NOT MY WAY WITH HER. SHE MUST STAY WELL BECAUSE HER
MIND WILL OFFER NO HIDING PLACE IF ILLNESS OR VIOLENCE FINDS HER. I WANT
TO BE MORE THAN HER CUSTODIAN AND A FREIND OF THE EXECUTIONER. FUCK
ME AND FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO WOULD HURT HER.
I DID NOT WANT MY CHILD BECAUSE I KNEW I COULD NOT LIKE THE FEELING
WHEN SHE WAS TREATENED, BUT ONE MORNING IN A MOVEMENT OF INFINITE
TENDERNESS I CALLED HER. I CANNOT PRECLUDE HER DEATH AND OUR
DEPENDENCE LETS EVERY DANGER WORK UNCHALLENGED. THE IDEA THAT I AM
CRIMINAL RECURS EACH TIME THERE IS REAL TROUBLE. I WOULD KILL HER RATHER
THAN WATCH A DIRTY ENDING BUT THE KILLING WOULD SPOIL MY PITY. IF MY
INSTINCT IS RUINED I WILL BE THE PERSON WHO CAN DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
I AM SULLEN AND THEN FRANTIC WHEN I CANNOT BE WHOLLY WITHIN THE
ZONE OF MY INFANT. I AM CONSUMED BY HER. I AM AN ANIMAL WHO DOES
ALL SHE SHOULD. I AM SUPRIZED THAT I CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO HER. I WAS
PAST FEELING MUCH BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF MYSELF BUT I WANT HER TO LIVE.
I HATE EACH OF YOU WHO MURDERS. NOW MY SENCES ARE BACK AND
WHAT I FEEL AFTER LOVE IS FEAR.
I FEAR FIVE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF.
I FEAR THE NEW ILLNESS. I AM NOT SURE IF THE CHILD AND I ARE SICK. NOW
THAT SHE IS BORN I AM NOT AFRAID TO KNOW. I TOUCH HER NECK. I AM NOT
CERTAIN I COULD CARE FOR HER.
I FEAR PEOPLE CRAZY MAD FROM NEED AND THE CONTEMPT OF EVERYONE WHO
COULD HELP THEM. I GO WALKING AND I HOPE SOMEONE DOES NOT SEE MY
FAT BABY AS AN INSULT.
I AM AFRAID OF THE ONES IN POWER WHO KILL PEOPLE AND DO NOT ADMIT
GRIEF. THEY WILL NOT STAY IN A ROOM WITH A DYING BABY. THEY WILL NOT
SPEND THE DAYS IT CAN TAKE.
I FEAR SUBSTANCES THAT CANNOT BE SENSED AND MUST NOT BE TOUCHED. THE
RESIDUE OF GOOD AND BAD IDEAS. I TURN THE CHILD OVER AND OVER TO LOOK
FOR SIGNS. CONTAMINATION MAKES THE NEW WEATHER AND THE STINKING
HEAT. THE BABY IS RED AND TRIES TO PULL AWAY FROM ME. AFTER THIS IDIOT
PERIOD OF SQUANDERING AND WAITING I FEAR EVERYONE WHO DOES NOT
WELCOME CHANGE.
THE SHOCK OF A CUTTING BIRTH REMINDS ME THAT PAIN IS NOT THOUGHT.
MY NEED TO PROTECT COMES WITH THE CHILD. IT MAY GIVE ME TIME.