And now I'm all alone
again
No where to go, no one
to turn to
In the darkness of his tent, Tomo carefully wipes the elaborate makeup off of his face. Alone, there is no one to see his vulnerability, the vague longing in his golden eyes.
I do not want your money,
sir,
I came out here 'cause
I was told to
Removing the ornate headress, he loosens his hair. He bruches through it with slow, practiced strokes, his thoughts far away, before refixing it loosely at the nape of his neck.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe
he's here
He changes clothes, then, into plain breeches and a long-sleeved, white shirt. He turns to get into bed, but, glancing at the entrance of his tent, changes his mind. Silently, he turns aside the flap and slips outside.
Sometimes I walk alone
at night
When everybody else is
sleeping
Wispy clouds drift by in the night, and the air smells of rain. The cool wind feels alien to his face, whispering against his skin. He shivers, grateful that no is near to see it, and wraps his arms about his chest, sighing softly.
I think of him and then
I'm happy
With the company I'm
keeping
A face appears in his mind. Golden hair. Not the harsh metallic shade of his own eyes, but bright and yellow, like the sun. Blue, chipped crystal eyes, clear and cold, like ice.
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside
my head
Tomo stops, his head lifting. His arms uncross, one hand reaching out involuntarily. The moonlight gleams on his face, pale in the night.
On my own, pretending
he's beside me
All alone, I walk with
him 'til morning
Nakago stands beside him. Tomo turns to stare at him, a smile appearing on his lips. Nakago reaches towards him.
Without him, I feel his
arms around me
And when I lose my way
I close my eyes
And he has found me
Nakago embraces him gently, his warmth chasing away the chill of the night air. Tomo closes his eyes, swallowing without words, as though in speaking, the moment would shatter. His joy is fragile, too easily destroyed.
In the rain, the pavement
shines like silver
All the lights are misty
in the river
A light rain begins to fall, dusting the two with moisture. Laughing, they flee to the bank of the river near the camp. Trees shadow the place, and the two men take shelter beneath the broad limbs. The stars shine through the light clouds, glimmering in the depths of the water. The light falls on Tomo and Nakago, making their skin, ivory and alabster, seem almost to glow.
In the darkness, the trees
are full of starlight
And all I see is him
and me,
Forever and forever
Tomo brushes one hand over Nakago's cheek, whispering words he has yearned to speak since their first meeting. The older man smiles gently, shaking his head in gentle remonstration. Leaning close, he murmurs the same three words into Tomo's ear, the warm breath tickling the hair at the back of his neck. Nakago stares deeply into his eyes, and Tomo feels himself drowning in the pools of blue. Their lips touch, and there is one moment of ecstacy; indescribable, transcendent joy.
And I know it's only in
my mind
And I'm talking to myself,
and not to him
Wind rises, cutting Tomo to the bone, and, as it vanishes, so does Nakago, his body fading and blowing away. Tomo reaches out to him desperately, his eyes widening.
And although I know that
he is blind
Still I say, there's
a way for us
Tomo's hand clenches, his fist pressed to his mouth to stop his cry. True memory lashes out him, of Nakago's eyes, cold and uncaring, brushing over him the same way they do everyone else--as beneath him, a tool for his use, and nothing else. A whimper rises in Tomo's throat; he strangles it, denying the weakness, the pain.
I love him, but when the
night is over
He is gone, the river's
just a river
He stands slowly, staring out at the river. The water is black, swallowing up the light of the stars. The tiny ripples born of the rain wash outward, breaking against the bank of land. The rain becomes heavier, the drops sinking cold into Tomo's light shirt. He begins to tremble.
Without him, the world
around me changes
The tree are bare and
everywhere
The streets are full
of strangers
He turns and walks swiftly back towards his tent. The stars are blinking out, now, the clouds thickening and engulfing their fragile glow. The wind gusts hard around him as he hurries towards his destination. A soldier on patrol gives him a strange, curious look as he rushes by. He ignores it, or doesn't see it, his head bowed against the cold, icy rain.
I love him, but everyday
I'm learning
All my life I've only
been pretending
He curses himself in his mind, curses his weakness, his love, his heart, his soul. It's a dream. A dream that will never be. Can never be. And still, he persits in hoping that, somehow... He curses himself for that, too, for that futile, foolish hope.
Without me, his world
will go on turning
A world that's full of
happiness
That I have never known
Even though he might die, Nakago would not miss him. Regret the loss of his powers, perhaps, but never that of his presence. Tomo, with all of his love, was still nothing more than one of seven more means to Nakago's end. That was all he would ever be. Nakago's ideal world, whatever it was, had no place in it for Tomo, and never, ever would.
I love him
Tomo steps back inside his tent, blowing out his candle quickly.
I love him
He sloughs off the wet shirt and slips into bed, fighting back the tears burning in his eyes and throat.
I love him
They come regardless, shed, as they always are, in the night and alone, with no one to dry them and wipe them away. Fire burning on his cheeks, while the rest of him shivers in aching loneliness, cold, freezing pain.
But only on my own
He turns over, and cries himself into the shadowy world of his dreams.