Inside The Business

 

 

By: Ryan Gilbert

 

Characters

 

Arnold Silvermen: A TV executive.

Pete Callahan: A TV executive.

Ms. Velma: Their secretary.

Lance Remington: A daytime soap opera star.

Gertrude Getty: A senior citizen.

Franky “The Shockmaster” Montang: Host of “Crash TV”

Jim McKingley: A sitcom actor that feels he has a curse.

 

Setting: A table is placed CS, chairs are placed around the table, at USR, and there is a coffee table.

 

[Curtain opens with Arnold and Pete sitting down around the table, Ms. Velma enters from USL]

 

Ms. Velma: Mr. Silvermen, Mr. Callahan, Your one o’clock is here.

 

Arnold: Send him in.

 

[Ms. Velma exits USL]

 

Peter: Who is our one o’clock again?

 

Arnold: Lance Remington from “Kings and Drama Queens”

 

Peter: The hit daytime soap?

 

Arnold: You got it.

 

Peter: The show is a major ratings hit! Why would he want to talk to us?

 

Arnold: Just you wait and see.

 

[Lance enters from CSL. He walks over to a chair opposite of Arnold and sits down]

 

Lance: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

 

Peter: Good afternoon, Mr. Remington.

 

Lance: Let me be Frank...

 

Arnold: Very well, if you let me be Arnold! [Does a fake laugh]

 

Lance: Cute.... anyway... as you know by now, my contract for “Kings and Drama Queens” is just about up and well... I think I should have my own show. I’ve been carrying all those dead weights you call a supporting cast for ten years now and I think I deserve just a little bit more.

 

Peter: WHAT?! You’re part of the highest rated show on daytime TV today!

 

Lance: Ya... “Daytime TV”... I want to do something more prime time.

 

Peter: Uh... what do you have in mind?

 

Lance: A spin-off! My character of Vance Pocketwell should have his own prime time drama. Here’s the idea: Vance starts his own company and hires nothing but beautiful women and he has affairs with all of them!

 

Arnold: [phony enthusiasm] YES! That’s brilliant! That’s genius! I love it!

 

Peter: You can’t be serious, Arnold.

 

Arnold: [still phony enthusiasm] You better believe I’m serious. That’s gold right there!

 

Peter: But it’s stupid, it’s moronic. Lance, the reason you’re character is so popular because you interact well with your fellow cast members. If you take away them, you’re nothing.

 

Lance: I’m nothing?! Do you know who you are talking to? I’m Lance Remington!

 

Arnold: Whoa, whoa, baby. Take it easy. Don’t let my naive associate anger you. Call me back tomorrow and will go over the details of your termination from “Kings and Drama Queens” and the plans for your new show.

 

Lance: Thank you.

 

[Lance exits USL]

 

Peter: Why did you do that? You know that his show is going to bomb.

 

Arnold: Who cares? It’s his choice to commit career suicide. We are merely the gatekeepers to his destiny.

 

Peter: That sounds creepy.

 

Arnold: But it’s true. We aren’t his parents telling him that he’s making a mistake. He’s a fully-grown man capable of making up his own mind. Do you even like him?

 

Peter: To be honest... not really... but its wrong to ruin someone’s job that they need to feed their children with.

 

Arnold: Are you insane? You’re making Lance to be some loving father figure. He’s a horrible father. Do you know he beats up his kids?

 

Peter: You’re lying.

 

Arnold: No, its true. Remember the day we went to the set of his show? He had his wife and kids over that day. His seven-year-old son had a bruise on his forehead and a cut by his lip.

 

Peter: So? Maybe he fell or something.

 

Arnold: That’s what I thought before I started some small talk with Lance’s wife. For some reason, she started breaking down and she told me that Lance roughed up the kid because he flushed his cigarettes down the toilet.

 

Peter: I can’t believe it.

 

Arnold: Believe it. So if that asshole of an actor Lance Remington is out of a job, it’s no skin off our backs. Maybe he’ll leave showbiz and work in an easier job like at a video store or something.

 

Peter: You think you know someone...

 

Arnold: Ya, that Remington guy is one twisted son of a...

 

Peter: I meant you.

 

Arnold: Can you save the drama for your mama for just a little while? We still have a job to do. Who’s next?

 

Peter: Uh.... I forget... Ms. Velma!

 

[Ms. Velma enters from USL]

 

Ms. Velma: Yes, Mr. Callahan?

 

Peter: Who else is out there?

 

Ms. Velma: An old woman and Franky Montang.

 

Peter: Franky “The Shockmaster” Montang? The guy with that show called “Crash TV”?

 

Arnold: I’m afraid so.

 

Peter: I can only imagine why Frankie AND an old woman are here.

 

Ms. Velma: The woman is named Gertrude Getty, a retired nurse. She’s complaining about the content of Mr. Montang’s show.

 

Arnold: Send them in.

 

Ms. Velma: [As she exits] Ms. Getty, Mr. Montang... you may come in now.

 

[Gertrude and Franky enter USL. They sit down on some chairs by the table]

 

Arnold: How may we help you Ms. Getty?

 

Gertrude: Well you see...

 

Franky: This old broad thinks I’m too “offensive”.

 

Arnold: Is that so?

 

Gertrude: I have never heard such garbage before in my life. He says the “F” word for every noun, verb, pro-noun, adverb and adjective.

 

Franky: Hey, Bea Arthur. Freedom of speech, ever heard of it?

 

Arnold: He’s got you their, Ms. Getty.

 

Peter: You know you’re not helping the situation.

 

Gertrude: I took the liberty of making a list of the number of curses he did from a month’s worth of his shows.

 

Arnold: You actually watched his show for a whole month... just to make a list?

 

Gertrude: Yes.... [Ahem] He said the “H E double hockey sticks” word 440 times. He said the “D” word around 250 times. He said the “C” word 356 times. And he said the “F” word a shocking 1248 times.

 

Franky: I could make it 1249 times right now if I wanted to.

 

Peter: Please, no swearing in this room.

 

Franky: Fine... [Mouths the “F” word aside]

 

Arnold: Well, Ms. Getty... you have quite a load of... statistics. But I’m afraid that we can’t do anything about your problem today.

 

Peter and Gertrude: WHAT?

 

Arnold: Come back when you have a petition with over 500 signatures and then will do something about this situation.

 

Gertrude: I’ve been waiting for over 2 hours with that degenerate. After all that, I have to leave without anything?

 

Arnold: Where are my manners? You’re right. Franky, maybe you could give her a t-shirt and an autograph.

 

Franky: Sure, anything for a fan that really listens to my show. [Exits]

 

Gertrude: [really upset] You.... you.... I hope that a bus hits you!

 

Arnold: If you’re driving it, I have nothing to worry about.

 

[Gertrude storms off in a huff]

 

Peter: What the hell was that about?

 

Arnold: Oh come on, you didn’t see it?

 

Peter: See what?

 

Arnold: How stupid that old woman is.

 

Peter: WHAT?!

 

Arnold: Ya. Not just because she didn’t bring a petition but many other things.

 

Peter: Like what?

 

Arnold: What time is Franky’s show on?

 

Peter: Pretty late... like 1 am I think.

 

Arnold: Exactly. Here you have an old woman complaining about the content of a late night show. A late night show! But she said that she watched a whole month worth of episodes to make a list. She probably had to tape the shows, watch them over and over and over to mark down on her list how many obscenities there were for that month. That’s just pathetic.

 

Peter: She had a valid point about something.

 

Arnold: Which is?

 

Peter: Franky does do a lot of cursing on his show.

 

Arnold: But it’s on 1 am for god’s sake. People like Gertrude would be in bed by then. It’s so pointless and stupid for people like her complaining about his show. If his show was on prime time like at 9 or something then that would be different. But it’s on at 1 am.

 

Peter: Can you just do me a favor?

 

Arnold: What is it?

 

Peter: If she comes back with a petition, you won’t tell her to leave.

 

Arnold: Ok!

 

Peter: Thank you… Ms. Velma!

 

[Ms. Velma enters]

 

Ms. Velma: Yes Mr. Callahan?

 

Peter: Is anyone else out there?

 

Ms. Velma: Not right now.

 

Peter: Good, you can take a break if you want.

 

Ms. Velma: Thank you.

 

[Ms. Velma exits]

 

Arnold: Should we take a break?

 

Peter: Ya, sure, why not?

 

[Peter gets up and walks over to USR to get a coffee]

 

Peter: I don’t get you, Arnold. You’ve been acting like a complete jerk all day.

 

Arnold: And you’ve been acting like a complete sissy today.

 

Peter: I’m a sissy because I don’t try to ruin a person’s career or their lives?

 

Arnold: No, you’re a sissy because you don’t take charge of a situation.

 

Peter: And you do?

 

Arnold: Yes.

 

Peter: No you don’t.

 

Arnold: I take charge more than you do. Who helped out Lance? Who settled that spat with the old woman and Franky? I did, not you.

 

Peter: That’s taking charge?! By ruining one man’s career and upsetting an old woman?

 

Arnold: I got the job done, didn’t I? Lance wanted out from that stupid soap opera, I solved that problem.

 

Peter: But you didn’t solve the problem between Gertrude and Franky?

 

Arnold: And neither did you.

 

Peter: Because you threw them out!

 

Arnold: Because that battle-axe didn’t have a petition.

 

Peter: But that’s no reason to act like a prick towards her.

 

Arnold: Wake up, Pete. What do you think we do for a living? We are pricks because of what we have to go through. An actor’s ego is bigger than a fat man’s gut! If we don’t act like pricks then they would walk all over us.

 

Peter: So you’re saying I’m not doing my job?

 

Arnold: No. You’re just not doing your job correctly.

 

Peter: First you ruin a man’s career, talked back to an old woman and now you’re saying that I’m not doing my job correctly?

 

Arnold: What is it with you and the echo effect? I say one thing; you say it back in the form of a question.... You know what? Forget it! I don’t know why I even try. You think you’re a better person at this job than me? Than do it yourself! I’ve had it! Have fun doing this job all by yourself, Petey boy!

 

[Arnold exits]

 

[Peter waits a couple of beats when Arnold exits; Ms. Velma walks in very concerned of the situation]

 

Ms. Velma: What happened?

 

[Peter is a little bit stressed, but after a beat or so after Ms. Velma asks the question. Peter feels better]

 

Peter: The starting of something better for this company, Ms. Velma.

 

Ms. Velma: I see... Mr. Callahan, there is a man here to see you. He says it’s urgent.

 

Peter: Send him in.

 

Ms. Velma: All right.

 

[Ms. Velma exits]

 

Peter: I’ll show Arnold that you don’t have to be a prick to do this job.

 

[Jim McKingley enters; he walks over to a chair and sits down]

 

Peter: Hello.

 

Jim: Hi there.

 

Peter: How may I help you?

 

Jim: Well, its quite simple really I....

 

Peter: HEY! You’re Jim McKingley, aren’t you?

 

Jim: Yes... Now...

 

Peter: I remember seeing you on what’s that show.... uh.... “Cheerful Life” you were the teacher that was cast in the show’s.... 5th season.

 

Jim: Ya, but the show was canceled by the 6th.

 

Peter: Ah yes... So... what’s the urgent problem you have?

 

Jim: Well, Mr. Callahan, I know this sounds strange but... I believe that I have a curse.

 

Peter: A curse?

 

Jim: Yes... every show I’m on, it gets canceled. I was on “Cheerful Life”. The show was canceled shortly after I started. I was then cast in “North Meets South” at the start of its 3rd season. Show gets canceled in the 4th. I was then written into “Harvey’s Place” when it was in its 7th season... show gets canceled midway during the season. A year after that, I was in two sitcoms at the same time. One was “A Dime A Dozen” and the other one was “Lords of Lexington”. They both were canceled after I did two episodes.

 

Peter: I see... anyway...

 

Jim: AND THEN! Oh, this is the kicker for sure. I was cast in “The Adventures of Simon and Brewer” The first time I have ever been apart of sitcom that was starting. Guess how long THAT lasts?

 

Peter: uhh.... 11 seasons and the finale got a higher rating than the M*A*S*H finale?

 

Jim: 7 episodes!! This is insane!

 

Peter: You’re telling me...

 

Jim: I have been in show business for over 20 years! I should have stayed in movies... but no! My agents told me to go into television! Now I can’t get a movie deal because directors and producers think I’ll ruin their movies! I’m so sick of this!

 

Peter: Feeling is very mutual...

 

Jim: What did you say?

 

Peter: Uh... nothing... sorry... Well, Mr. McKingley... maybe all of those cancellations were... a coincidence!

 

Jim: Well it’s a very far-fetched coincidence.

 

Peter: I suppose so... so uh.... what do you want me to do about it?

 

Jim: What do I want you to do about it?!

 

Peter: Is there an echo in here? [Realizes what he said] oh my god! Sorry I didn’t mean that.

 

Jim: Like hell you didn’t.

 

[Jim grabs Peter and is about to punch him before Arnold enters in and says]

 

Arnold: The news!

 

Jim and Peter: WHAT?!

 

Arnold: The news... McKingley. Think about it. News shows don’t get canceled. People need the news...

 

[Jim lets go of Peter]

 

Jim: That’s... true...

 

Arnold: You got the look and the talent for the news.

 

Jim: Really?

 

Arnold: God yes... With all the roles you’ve done in your career, surely the job of a news anchor wouldn’t be hard for a gifted person like yourself, right?

 

Jim: Ya... I guess you’re right but... That’s not really much of a career, isn’t it?

 

Arnold: Are you kidding me? Being a news anchorman is a terrific job! You can be set for life, depending on what news program you’re on and pal, I can find the best program for you! Because I’m Arnold Silvermen! I apologize for my partner’s behavior, you shouldn’t be mad at the guy.

 

Jim: Why’s that?

 

Arnold: Because.... he uh.... just found out his wife cheated on him! Isn’t that right, Pete?

 

Peter: Ya... that’s right. The harpy was fooling around with the milkman! Bunch of savages in this town!

 

Arnold: Exactly!

 

Jim: I’m sorry I flew off the handle like that.

 

Peter: Don’t worry about it.

 

Arnold: So, are you read to turn your career around?

 

Jim: Yes! Sign me up, captain!

 

Arnold: Hohoho ah ok.... I’ll get in touch with your agent and go over the details of the start of something good for you, my friend. You should probably go home, take it easy and wait for the call. Trust me, you’ll be a big star!

 

Jim: Ok. Thanks Mr. Silvermen and thanks Mr. Callahan.

 

Peter and Arnold: No problem....

 

[Jim exits]

 

Peter: Why are you back?

 

Arnold: Because I felt like I was throwing you to the lions.

 

Peter: Oh really?

 

Arnold: Yes... I should have known that you couldn’t get the job done by yourself. Did you learn something while I was away?

 

Peter: Was I supposed to learn something?

 

Arnold: Yes... you learned that you can’t always be a nice person in this world. Sometimes, acting like a prick and a weasel is the best way to things.

 

Peter: Maybe you’re right...

 

Arnold: I know I’m right.

 

Peter: Do you think that McKingley can make it as a newsman?

 

Arnold: Probably... not... but I’m sure I can throw some money around to make sure he stays in news rather than coming up to us all the time and complaining.

 

Peter: Arnold... you’re really one in a million.

 

Arnold: Not really... Come on let’s get out here... lets take an actual break instead of staying around in this dump.

 

Peter: Sounds like a plan.

 

[As they exit together]

 

Peter: Hey, Arnold... why did you say that my wife was cheating on me?

 

Arnold: [suspicious] Uh.... no reason... [As he exits] Come on lets get something to eat! I know this great place over by....

 

[Arnold exits]

 

Peter: Hmmm.... hey, wait a minute…

 

[Peter exits]

 

[Curtain goes down]