Work Place Violence in North Pole

 Leaves One Big Guy Dead

McManus Children Come Across Grizzly Scene

Future of Christmas in Question

Santa Crucified by Union Elves

In one of the most horrid and grizzly displays of workplace violence this country has seen, Santa Clause was crucified by his own elves.  The facts surrounding this senseless act are only now coming to light, but it seems the murder was the result of an ugly strike that had gone on for the last six months in the town of North Pole, Alaska. 

Shortly after Christmas, the McManus children were out for a walk in the few short hours of winter daylight this northern community sees when they came across the crucifixion.   Young Richard (12) reported, “At first I thought it was kind of a Christmas scarecrow, but wow!  It turned out to be Santa!”  His younger brother Michael (9) was unable to comprehend what he was seeing.  “Ya, Mikey was pretty blown away.  His first crucifixion and all.  And then for it to be Santa.  It would have been bad enough if it was some sort of saint or witch or something, but Santa!  The poor kid just couldn’t speak”  Older sister Kelly (14) dropped to her knees in prayer.  “I knew right away he was a goner.  He must have been there a while, sort of freeze dried.  He’d obviously belched out his last Ho! Ho!”

The town of North Pole has been torn apart the over the last six months by an ugly elf strike.  Santa’s elves went on strike in June demanding better working conditions, shorter hours, higher pay, and an end to mandatory overtime during the hectic pre-holiday season.  Santa reacted by locking out the union elves and immediately hiring replacement elves.  In a statement to the North Pole Gazette, Santa said, “I have an obligation to the people of this planet to get toys to the children, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a bunch of sniveling little elves close this shop down!”   This sort of inflammatory rhetoric made negations with the union difficult at best.

In spite of the obvious hard feelings on both sides, union elf representatives met with Santa throughout the summer.  This is a pleasant time in Alaska, and many union elves took advantage of the long days to fish, hunt, and attend elf gatherings in the woods.  But as winter approached and little progress had been made things turned nasty.  At first it was little elf tricks here and there.  Santa found the air let out of his tires, his sleigh was toilet papered, and someone tied a string of tin cans to Rudolf’s tail. 

Jesse Jackson attempted to intervene on behalf of the elves.  “‘Dese here elves deserve a workin’ wage.  D’ey toil in nea’ poverty to bring toys to ‘da kids. Santa’s got ‘da be moe sensitive heaa.  Without ‘de elves, ‘dere be no Christmas bells. Without ‘de elves, no toys on da shelves!  We need to support ‘dese elves!”

Santa would hear no part of it.  In a tersely worded response Santa was quoted as saying, “Its coal for you fat boy!” 

As the days shortened, union elves became disparate.  Without work its difficult to make it through the cold arctic winter.  And the elves knew that if Santa made it through Christmas with the scab elf work force he would have no incentive to settle before next season.  They couldn’t hold out that long.  The violence escalated.  At first it was rocks and bottles thrown into the Santa compound, then scab elves were attacked on the streets of North Pole.  Alaska Governor, Tony Knowles, called out the state police to calm the situation.

Under tight security Santa managed to get through Christmas.  Although it was rumored that union elves had gotten hold of a stinger missile from Osama bin Laden, and there was some fear of it would be used to keep Santa from leaving Alaskan air space.  Santa, his sleigh, and his eight tiny reindeer made it off without incident.

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