Daughter Lia,
It's Thanksgiving, a perfect time to stop and remember all the things we have to be thankful for. We’re alive, in spite of the bee sting that almost closed my throat, and the poor deer that tried to kick in Ginny’s windshield on Route 219. But most of all, we’re thankful our new Swedish Kaffee style coffeepot finally arrived. We were beginning to think we were caught up in some international scam, and that our check cashed eight weeks ago was already transferred through multiple untraceable accounts. Maybe that momentary twinge which we quickly dismissed as Old Fart’s Syndrome was really some sixth sense warning us about the Internet. I remember the computer screen with a nice couple, just like us, mature, comfortable though with perhaps a little too much spread, sitting at their kitchen table, the sun brightly streaming in the window over the sink, the freshly cut flowers adding a panoply of spring colors to the room and there between them on the table was a brown foil bag of fine European coffee beans. We sat there starring at the computer, two intelligent, knowledgeable, well read people, our eyes glazing over as we wracked our individual memories, concluding and blurting out practically simultaneously “Where do they grow coffee in Europe?”
We checked the address. That was no help. Swedish Style Kaffee, Yaholmparken Road, Clifton New Joisey. But all those feelings of insecurity tumbling around in the back of my head evaporated like so much steam from a cup of hot coffee when I opened the door to my post office box. Inside was one of those yellow cards from the postmaster telling me they have a parcel too big for my box. Too big! Already I was excited. All we saw on the computer was this tiny little picture, and even though we knew the coffee maker had to be bigger than that, we had no idea of its size. The package Ken, our friendly postman, brought out was very large, and looked heavy. That's a good sign I thought. Heavy means substantial, able to withstand constant use by committed caffeine addicts. I wanted to rip open the box on the spot, but propriety prevailed -- I would take it home so Ginny could be part of the unveiling. But I tell you I could hardly wait.
I arrived to find Ginny in the middle of Thanksgiving preparations, cooking cranberry upside down cake with low-fat fake cognac cream topping. She dropped everything to rush into living room where I placed the box on the coffee table (no pun intended) in front of the fireplace. I carefully began to slit the taped edges with a tiny Swiss pocket knife I carry for just such occasions, pausing mid-slice to realize how much European culture has inserted itself into our daily lives. A quick look at my Swiss Army watch told me I needed to move along. I lifted the individual boxes out of the shipping container and focused my attention on the largest. Soon, out it came in that distinctive chocolate black Swedish Kaffee color an eight cup thermal carafe automatic coffee maker. Wow!
We already have a white coffee maker and I must say that I don't like white coffee makers. They quickly they become stained with brown residue that can only be removed with the application of more time that I plan to invest in housework. Plus, every morning when I stare at the Proctor Silex ® label, I get the queasy feeling that I’m about to have an invasive medical procedure. But that won't be a problem with this Swedish baby -- the brown stains will disappear from view like skid marks on brown jockey shorts. And a thermal carafe -- that means we can lounge at the dining room table, or in front of the TV, or even in the rumpus room (if we had one) without adding to greenhouse gases, save the occasional almond croissant generated flatulence. Included in the package so we could immediately start enjoying delicious coffee without delay were two half-pound packages of lovingly grown, hand-picked, perfectly roasted coffee beans.
I know you expect I had to pay lots of money for this experience at any major department store, if it was available, but this Swedish style eight cup thermal carafe automatic coffee maker was only available through a special onetime offer, and it wasn't $99, it wasn't $89, it wasn't even $69. But wait, since we acted fast and responded just hours before the midnight deadline, they included at no additional cost to us, a set of four matched coffee mugs in the same Swedish Kaffee classic chocolate black color. These finely crafted mugs are handmade by skilled artisans. Because of the individuality of each artist, minor differences may be noticeable which is part of the allure of these cups made in China by cheap Chinese labor. The rustic nature of the manufacturing process may also result in minor imperfections, like one of our mugs didn’t have a handle. And notice the gold edging at the lip of the mugs -- this is real gold extracted from the teeth of real Chinese political dissidents -- so we were cautioned not to use the mugs in a microwave oven.
Now with these free mugs you might still expect I had to pay $59, or at least $44.95. Well, it wasn’t $44.95, it wasn’t $34.95, it wasn’t even $24.95. No, for this special onetime offer we had delivered to our door your eight cup thermal carafe automatic coffee maker in the classic Swedish Kaffee chocolate black color, your ten cone filters, your two half-pound packages of lovingly grown, hand-picked, perfectly roasted coffee beans, and your set of four matching chocolate black Swedish Kaffee coffee mugs with distinctive real gold edging -- everything we needed to immediately start enjoying delicious brewed coffee for only $14.95. That’s right, only $14.95.
You might ask as I did, why would they make that this special offer so cheap -- how could they possibly not lose money on the deal? Well, they would lose money if they never heard from me again, but they are hoping to introduce me to the unique flavor of their specialty blend of coffee beans. They are betting I will let them send us at their inflated regular prices two pounds of their marginally flavorful, bug infested, marred skin coffee beans every week. And I shouldn’t worry about the animal life -- if the grinder don't get them, the scalding hot water drip system will. I just shouldn’t check the used filter too carefully when I toss it out.
(Not available in Alaska or Hawaii, some restrictions may apply.)