A: More concrete.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a horse. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the horse tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the horse asks.
"Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice--just in case.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."