2. Sharps schmarps, play b flats and ignore all sharps, both accidental and in the key signature.
3. Flats schmats, play b natural and ignore all flats, both accidental and in the key signature.
4. Make sure every stand you walks by falls
5. Whenever you raise the stand height, make sure that it comes off all together, spilling all music in the process.
6. Listen carefully to his directions to fix a section of the music. Do the exact opposite. Insist that�s what he said in the first place.
7. Get a brass player to empty his spit valve on the podium. Often.
8. Drop instrument parts during rehearsals (mouthpieces, bells, slides, cymbols, etc). If you�re really daring, do it during a concert.
9. Wait until well into a rehearsal before telling him you don�t have your music
10. Invent your own tempo.
11. Play everything up an octave.
12. Crinkle up the originals of the music.
13. Write the music in a different time signature. Cut out some notes/add some notes to make it work.
14. Make 1 tiny mistake, then cry.
15. Ask if he�s ever conducted the piece before.
16. Ask if he�s ever heard so-and-so�s version. Imply that he could learn something.
17. Talk. Nonstop.
18. Warm your instrument (blow warm air through it) constantly. Best if some notes occasionally come out from too much air
19. Ask why we have to play scales.
20. Ask why we never play arpeggios.
21. Always ask which divisi part you should play. Even if it�s the same answer all the time.
22. Never be satisfied with the tuning note.
23. Look the other way before cues.
24. Complain about the lighting and temperature of the band room.
25. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
26. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
27. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
28. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If s/he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
29. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
30. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
31. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
32. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
33. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
34. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel s/he is keeping you from doing something really important.