This page was updated - January 12th 2004
They walk right through me. Neve knew me. A blade of grass in a sea of cold. Resistance in each wake brave and bold. Disguising the truth, the reality denied. Incomplete imposter impiety must hide. Shimmering, luminescent, until oxygen starved. Fearlessly enduring as each scar is carved. Yielding sometimes, made all wrong inside. Try to blend in & bend in with the tide. Plucked from the roots, dislodged, floating free. Up to the surface, the sun to see.
Blood and love liquefy, melting through my pores. Seeping over my skin's psychosomatic sores. Exhaled and evaporated left inside the empty pit. Screaming and introverted, knowing defeat without tasting it. Drink from this vessel, then watch it smash. Shattered and splintered, diamond like glass. A fire burns, seething, empty embers flare. Keeping me alive when the flesh starts to tear. Confusing, alluding to a dark desolated spiral. Determination, devotion, blood fights for survival. Banishment, punishment, returned to this hell. Nastily nostalgic sweet rancid the smell. Damnation feels wrong but damnably good. Exacting resistance better than I ever could. Taken in each stride, smug satiated, overdosed. Reserving the right to a retrospective boast. Revenge, like jealousy, leaves no regrets. Promising forgiveness but no one forgets. Blood and love pulse unjustly to a pathological beat. An intimidated, self-analysed, courageous defeat. Philosophical afterthoughts of this malevolent push and shove. As I'm accelerated from the clutches of the rush of blood and love.
TORNADO
Dedicated to a beautiful Iranian Man.
A tempest of lust in a tornado's eye.
A weeping of wings where few angels fly.
Fingers of your hand.
You understand.
It's burning in my heart and it's killing me.
Pin pricks of a razor's probing point.
Baptised in the balm which I anoint.
Close your ears.
Sanction your fears.
It's the discipline of the damned and it's killing me.
A slice of tender meat and a humiliated smile.
A warm rush of cold nothing left to defile.
Close your mind.
Lose what you find.
It's pending from the pit and it's killing me.
Salt in a wound already open and wide.
Firmly in place, like the thorn in your side.
Close your heart.
Realisation's the start.
It's beautiful and clear and it's killing me.
Cutting still this ground down diamond has grown.
Like the coils of tendons wrapped around the bone.
Closed to the past.
Making it last.
It's carved in carnal dreams and it's killing me.
Spinning and driving this tormented rapture.
An ebony river defies victory and capture.
I want to close this book.
I disguise my look.
It's pestilence like a plague and it's killing me.
Deeper inside than it's ever been before.
Nearer to the edge exposed bleeding and raw.
I close my eyes.
In my ears his lies.
He's inside, is this the truth? It's killing me.
A feast of emotion, swallowing it whole.
A banquet of glory spread over the soul.
Closed now is this door.
To go there no more.
I'm dazzled, I love it and it's killing me.
Equinox I wanted it all. I wanted to know it all. You only gave me the bits that didn't matter. I was your dog scavenging every morsel I could. Greedy for my feelings to be understood. Carried in a sack I dragged your fucking bones. So that you could show me. Hoping you would show me. What I didn't want to see. Yesterday I drank white love from your poisoned cup. Today I put my fingers down my throat to puke it up. I wanted it all. I wanted what was yours. You gave me the bits you couldn't keep. I swam with you down to flood your fucking soul. And I forgot that I should have left you there alone. So that you could show me. Hoping that you would show me. What I didn't want to see. Yesterday I got down on my knees and wrapped my soul around your heart. Today I took a knife and tore it all apart.
(Dedicated to Jude/wyte_witch She lets me be me.)
Sin and silence take you further down, alighting in their world.
No torment will penetrate, pointless blunt daggers hurled.
Sparring, scarring running a gauntlet of eager contenders.
You joined the rank and file of their courage defenders.
You're savaged in the embrace, and saved the luxury of destruction.
Hard faces in white walls, smeared windows of persecution.
On a carpet of blood like the petals of innocence.
They walk over your metalled corpse, fabled inheritance.
Dunes of yellow brimstone spawning from their tidal ocean.
Covering beauty and filling lungs with damning devotion.
You crawl and fester among faecal flesh and yet the foetal child remains.
Whiplash welts chisel your skin, haemorrhaging hammers attack your brains.
Your will to stay this realm was taken, in its place, defeat.
You were a lamb to the slaughter; they will glory as you bleat.
Their reign will never falter their rattling chains the ties.
In your petrified sin and silence you will never hear their lies.
Now and then there is a release, from these bonds, contrition grows.
But nothing means more to you than the shame and anguish they bestow.
Breaking free is lost, you would fall and your life light they would crush.
Back into their world, where your glimmer still shines, you'll stay because you must.
Like a dark orb in dark space, you spin and flex and turn.
You take and need this punishment but the truth you'll never learn.
Look for pity in my eyes as you flail and fall, washed away in the blood of your final wound.
I know your secret
I am the insurrectionist
And the catalyst of doom.
Ever get tired of fighting? Ever get sick of the continuous battle? Ever wish you could just lay down in clover? Ever wish this war were over? I do. Ever hate what you've become? Ever hate what you want to be? Ever wish you weren't always the forgiver? Ever snarl at the face in the mirror? I do. Ever want to reach out and strike? Ever want to smash your fist in his face? Ever want to hold a gun to his head? Ever wish he were dead? I do. Ever tire of taking a breath? Ever tire of waking each day? Ever tire of the lifeless and unresisting soil? Ever tire of this wounded mortal coil? I do. Ever stand alone and be glad? Ever need less than the next man? Ever be someone's main stay? Ever walk when you know you should stay? I do. Ever squint your eyes when he speaks? Ever wish for him a torturous death? Ever look down at him with contempt and scorn? Ever wish he were never born? I do. Ever have something in reach? Ever think you made any joy? Ever hide behind a splintered emotional crutch? Ever love someone too much? I do. Ever regret hurting someone? Ever feel a deeper pain? Ever feel like vomiting out your own spleen? Ever want to see his blood cascade? Ever want to hack it all away with a butchering blade? Ever need to be wrong? Ever need to believe? Ever need to destroy? Ever need to bleed? I do.
Cold Sweats (Dedicated to poi cyberdaughter and savant genius.)
Speedbank Heaven
Dedicated to The Doctor.
A guy I knew, he killed himself in prison age 22.
You'll Never Know
I wrote this (and a few others besides) for Shimi (TZIMISCE).
Aka RUINERXL.
It's bad when we fight so run and keep running.
Negligence and inattention are guides for proper child prevention
A trifling disorder and a parent's botched job
Brought to us, by them, this snivelling yob
He's everyone's failure, a professional slacker
Totally unsponsored without any backer
They fulfil all requirements just to scrape to get by
But he's still alone and ignored and just left to cry
Dishevelled, untidy, a marvel unkempt
He'll treat laws and the system with utter contempt
He lost sight of his goals a long time ago
Now the jury's responsible though they'll never know
He once knew the answer but all that is gone
Dirt's covered where his bright light once shone
He's the only contender in a disqualified fight
They gave him his life but took away his right
He battled hard to stop it all turning to shit
Why in god's name was he born into this?
WE LIVE IN BETWEEN THE LINES
PARRALLEL AND CROSS GRAINED
I GO YOUR WAY WHICH IS MINE
CHANNELLED AND RESTRAINED
LET ME LEAD MY OWN LIFE WHILE I FLOAT AROUND IN YOUR EMBRACE
DARK WATERS SEEP BETWEEN MY BONES YOUR COLD FINGERS CARESS MY FACE
I MELT AND MERGE TILL I DISAPPEAR BOUYANT IN THE SWELL
SHIPWRECKED AND LOST DROWNING IN HELL
I STILL BELIEVE WHAT DO I DO
I'M A FOOL, JUST LIKE TO BREAK AWAY,
START SOMETHING NEW
BUT IT'S SO HARD TO SHAKE YOU
NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY TO TAKE YOU
I'M OPEN TO PERSUASION AN EASY TARGET INVASION
THAT'S JUST MY TROUBLE SEE
YOU KNOW WHO I AM
BUT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ME
Masquerade
Things will never be the same again He gets flashes of the truth now and then A delta of sediment, a tide washing him out How blindly he screams through his closed mouth What's done is done, history and past His story's not the first, it's never gonna be the last It looks like scorn look deeper it's a smirk Try to make amends but it's never gonna work It's not the beginning it's just the end He threw it all away, sacrificed this friend Now he's opened up this bolted door It's not his secret anymore Binds can't be broken these hold him tight He won't need to struggle, won't ever fight He takes this punishment always lying down He thinks he's the emperor but he's only the clown He plays his pieces keeping ahead of the game His pawns may survive but his queen is slain His loyalty to the game is grossly misspent I'll never doubt my recession and I'll never repent Rip off his mask he'll still play this masquerade I'll lurk in the dark and watch the pastel light fade He is nothing anymore he is dead in the earth He knew nothing of this love and nothing of its worth
Maybe you think you're good enough. Maybe you think you've got what it takes. You're never gonna get an inch. You're never gonna get the breaks. I'm gonna love it when you beg. I'm gonna like the way you crawl. I'm gonna love it when you try to stop me. I'm gonna watch you lose control. I'm gonna open you up all the fucking way. I'm gonna spread you like a whore. I'm gonna love what you've become to me. And ignore your screams for more. I'm gonna swallow you up whole. You're gonna to let me be the one. I'm gonna wash your face in the dirt. You're gonna love it when I've won. I'm gonna love you till it hurts. I'm gonna like the way you fight. I'm gonna make you stand the pain. I'm gonna fuck you every night. I'm gonna possess you and your soul. I'm gonna be there to catch it all. I'm gonna like the way you turn me on. I'm gonna stand and watch you fall. I'm gonna love those tears you cry. I'm gonna like the way you whine. I'm gonna love it when you plead with me. I'm gonna love it when you're mine. I'm gonna love it when you think it's over. I'm gonna love it when you're sore. You're gonna love it when I ruin you. Like you did to me before.
Look again without eyes Turn all the lights down low What radiated image? Don't let her see you know She hides it all away Or is it there to see In a haunted shroud She wears perplexity Mysteries not for solving No one has the sight You can never touch her While you're holding down the fire If you see the flesh She knows you'll see the bone She isn't real she's outside The real one's all alone Hiding behind beaten armour and Wearing a skin like a blanket of lies Corrupted by the truth around her Blocked out and bastardised Glistening and spilling Like gentle summer rain She's inside me now; she's driving me insane Backing away from confrontation Escaping being caught A glimpse of her is all there is She's false of an altered sort Penetrate her aura even for just a while And she'll close off from you with a chilling smile Death holds no fear for her She wants to rest in peace She yearns for her unyielding reaper To bring her sweet release Many of them died She had to lay them low Sometimes she hears a whisper And a memory will grow Too deep inside to breathe If you want to believe it, it's true Maybe take the blindfold off And see me as I do
(Dedicated to June Leiden My Jewel)
Walking the streets, pavements of gold Working the creeps, reeking and cold Can I show you my dreams? Can you give me my life? Can they show me what love is when they teach me to fight Kicking and screaming in a rusty bed Hundreds of notes lying around my head Where are the pimps while they hide their greed? They'll be picking out another even as they feed I'm hardly aware that I was ever born Turning cheap tricks, vile acts to perform At the end of this day, I pray only for sleep And pray to the angels that my soul they keep
What the hell are you looking at? What the fuck do you see? You know damn well I'm sacrosanct You know I'm the enemy Devils love blasphemy And rut on unholy ground Your prayers poor prospect Is to make no other sound There's contempt for pious public worship And a love for the thrashing lash whip I'm a creepy crawly, I'm a low insect But today I breathed out in retrospect These skills that I've learned not long ago Taught me how to love and how to let go I specialise in harming I charm to disarm I'll watch you burn but mean you no harm He has to love, his fortunes no seal With a fucked up mind, the wounds won't heal I'll be the poison and fuck with tradition And fuck the whole world without inhibition
Sacrifice the world if you think it's yours to take. Change the rules of the game if you think they're yours to make. Pull out the rug and watch them fall around your saviour head. Put it together again or push it further down instead. Take the black clouds away if you think you can make them white. Do some wrong again if you think you can make it right. Take all the blame for this if you think you must. Put your evil god aside and in the devil trust. Push the blade in deeper if you think they'll never bleed. Take away their wanting if you think they'll never need. Calm the drowning waters if you think you have the skill. Slay the serial killers but remember they still kill. Beat yourself to death and suffer no remorse. Forget about the inner you, deny your inner force. Forget him if you can and watch the image growing faint. And be alive for them, be their sinner and their saint. Strobe rainbow colours around them should they ever lose their way. But remember that the child inside will never let you stay. Stand and fight this ancient fight and never break your stance. Take hits from his fist if your future has no chance. Forever hold back if you always think you should. Justify his bad if you think you can make it good. Devote your life to pain if you think you owe him that. Don't struggle against his hand lie upon the altar flat. Be lonely till the end if you think you're the only one. Loose yourself to despair if you think that hope has gone. Never ask of him the question if you think the answer will be plain. Why didn't you see my face father and why didn't you feel my pain?
I fucking hate you. And life's a fucking bitch. I'm gonna rip out my heart. To save you stealing it. You wanna come get me? I'm right fucking here. It'll be over in a flash. Nothing left to fear. There's not much point in this You're a rotting empty shell. I don't even care. Come drag me down as well. I wanna watch you squirm. I wanna watch you burn. Who fucking cares about it? Who the fuck does it affect? No one fucking knows This world of mine is wrecked I wanna blow you away With a big fucking gun. So I can spill my own blood Now let me have my fun. Cry for me you fucker I'll spit and twist the knife Cry for me you fucker You don't deserve your life I fucking hate your lies And your stinking bullshit too Wanna wipe you from this world It's what I have to do I can't save myself It's way too late for me Fucking buried here inside And threw away the key I'll take everything I can Don't worry anymore I know exactly what to do To even up the score Don't bother me with pain I can see right fucking through There's nothing left of me Cuz now I'm fucking you Piece of dirt. Piece of shit. Boom! Peace of fucking mind.Home