- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved
at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the
first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically
not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take
to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The
War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will
become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does
most
of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due
to the fact that the opponent
was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany
first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing,
France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated
by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces
plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the
first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule
is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind
its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the
French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until
France
collapses?"