Mine:
Words of wisdom rarely come from the truly wise, my web page and I are not exemptions
Ignorance is the lack of knowledge, acquired through experience. Stupidity is ignoring your own knowledge.
If the world were flat, it'd be easier to draw maps
If anyone asks, I was with you on May 1 at 9:30 pm
You shouldn't judge a man by the type of knife he carries, but you can get a pretty good feel for him.
With the proper special effects a movie needs no plot
You know, after I think about it... what was I saying again?
Never put an atomic fireball under your tongue
You shouldn't speak in complete sentences, or else you run the risk of sounding like a yankee
45 is five times better than 9
Be careful about trusting a man with the word "honest" in his name
With duct tape, pliers, and super glue, a man can fix anything.
duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together.
If I had a dime for every dime I have, I'd still be broke.
When you don't know what you're trying to say is when you make the most sense.
Live fast, die hard, and enjoy yourself doing it.
transfer everything you can from the arms to the torso.
I know money can't buy happiness, I just want the opportunity to prove it.
Sometimes fires don't go out when you're done playing with them.
In case of water landing, boat may be used as floatation device.
You can't really own a knife until you cut yourself with it.
Even if you don't know what you are doing, please do it quickly.
If you should decide to cut me off in traffic, be fast, because the longer you linger, the more I want to run over you.
If you could have the answer to any question you asked, you wouldn't be able to think of any.
You know that little period of time between asleep and awake, that's where the best thoughts come from.
There is nothing in this world more beautiful than the smile of a woman.
Possession is nine tenths of the law; firepower is the other eleven
Yours:
Guns don't kill people; people kill people, Ditchdigger
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his ass when he hopped, Jason
I prefer ducks, Joey
Man who stands on toilet seat is high on pot, Chris
Man who masturbates with peanut butter is not crazy; he's just fucking nuts, Chris
Famous:
What, me worry? Cracked Boy
Love is another word for trust, Bon Jovi
Life is pain... anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell something, The Dread Pirate Roberts
No one understands the tears of sensitive people, Quatre Raberba Winner
Death cannot stop true love; it can only delay it for a little while, The Dread Pirate Roberts
Be excellent to each other, Bill and Ted
Wash, Rinse, Repeat, Shampoo bottle
If you're afraid to die, then you shouldn't be fighting, Quatre Raberba Winner
The amount of time we have on this sphere to accomplish what we want is always limited, no matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, Peter David
Mr. Man, you can go straight to hell, Charlie Decker
I just want the pot!!, Ranma
Wah, wah, wah, wah, Pacman
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle, Edmund Burke
Do you know why they call me the Count? Because I love to count! Ah-hah-hah, The Count Sesame Street
Come on, assholes! You want to live forever? , Unknown WWI Top Sergeant
I don't care if you win or lose, just as long as you win, Vince Lombardi (Ex Green Bay Packers Head Coach)
I was born in the U S A, Bruce Springstein
For the first time in history a civilized country will have an organized system of gun control, Adolph Hitler
16 just held such better days, Blink 182
The only teacher who's worth anything to you is your enemy, Mazer Rackham
Foosball is the Devil, Moma
I N S T R U C T I O N S
F O R L I F E
1. Take into account that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self
Respect for
others and Responsibility for all your
actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is
sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them
properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take
immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of
your
values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you
get
older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy
it a
second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation
for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only
with
the current situation. Don't bring
up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve
immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been
before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one
in
which your love for each other exceeds your
need for
each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give
up in
order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Dalai Lama
The law of Physics states for every action, there
is an equal and opposite reaction... they hate us, we hate them, they hate
us back.. so here we are, victoms of mathematics
Londo
Bumper Stickers:
It's 10:00 p.m. do you know what web site your kids are on?
My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Discount
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My wife Fell Off
What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Coffee, Chocolate, Women; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique ... Just like everyone else.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
Have you hugged a mechanical contractor today?
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As a Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Make Welfare as hard to get as building permits
Illiterate? Write For Help!
Cover Me-I'm Changing Lanes
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
In Case of Rapture, Grab My Steering Wheel
In Case of Rapture, I'll Drive You Home
Come the Rapture, can I have Your Car???
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind-It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 ph
Body By Nautilus. Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From a Car Window
Warning! Driver Only Carries $20 In Ammunition
My Other Car is a Broom
My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
Born Again. Not a Christian, yet, inexplicably, just as good.
Born right the first time
Enjoy your freedom, Thank a Veteran
Just say no to sex with right to lifers
A man with a gun is a citizen, a man without a gun is a subject
When it absolutely has to be destroyed overnight, U.S. Navy Seals
True Statements
The sentence "The quick brown
fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed
by Western Union to Test telex/twx
communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular
stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing
cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs
- Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemaggne; and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration
of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law that stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia,
has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s,
the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities
for blacks and whites.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl. (until now)
The only two days of the year
in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL)
are the day before and the day after the
Major League All Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Pound for pound, hamburgers (the ones that went upstairs) cost more than new cars.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Studies show that if a cat falls
off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance
of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight
floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
(How did they study this? Ummmm?)
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys or meteorites (individually, not combined) than die in air crashes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hand surgery is more complex than heart surgery.
In Florida, it's against the law to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Hitler invented the concept of gun control (as previously qouted)