Present

*****

�Susan?�

�Yes?�

Sam shifted on the couch until she was facing her friend. Susan was slowly swirling the liquor in her glass. Her green eyes wandered about the room, flicking occasionally to the snow heavy clouds that hung above the horizon. She was waiting for Sam to continue. The slight twitching of her lips the only sign of her impatience.

�What did he say to you in there?�

She swung her gaze in Sam�s direction, searching her face before meeting her blue eyes. �I�ve waited six months for you to ask me that�why did it take so long?�

Sam ducked her head breaking eye contact to stare at the glass cradled in her hands. �I don�t know.�

�Bullshit,� Susan murmured softly. She twisted her body sideways on the couch until they were face to face. �Who are you trying to fool?�

�I don�t know what you mean�� Sam sucked in her lower lip. She could feel herself pulling away and for the first time the thought of running was more terrifying than facing her feelings.

What�s changed?

Susan stroked her arm. Her green eyes had darkened to emerald pools, soft and deep with her love and concern. �Sam, how long can you run?�

�Right to the point,� she replied in a thick whisper.

�When have you known me to be anything but blunt?� Susan laughed softly. �It wasn�t any different in that cave-in and maybe if you tried being honest with yourself it wouldn�t be so hard for either of you.�

Sam blinked at the admonishment and forced herself to meet her friend�s eyes over the rim of her glass. �I suppose,� she admitted after swallowing a healthy shot of whiskey.

�You�re not fooling anyone.� Susan shook her head, a gleam in her bright eyes. �If I can see it then I�m sure the general can and a lot of other people too��

�See what?� Sam pressed. She cast her gaze to the ceiling and took a deep breath. �What did he say, Susan. I need to know.�

�Why haven�t you asked him?�

�Because�I�we...because I can�t that�s all!�

�Because you�re afraid?�

�Yes, dammit, is that what you want to hear!� Sam launched herself to her feet and paced the width of the room coming to a stop in front of the window. Outside the clouds had parted for a last glimpse of the setting sun and were now coming together in waves, folding in on themselves. Shafts of snow and freezing rain shot through them, whisked sideways by the surge of the wind. She could hear its low persistent moan as it chased around the building, occasionally lashing the glass with crystalline bits of precipitation. She pressed her forehead to the glass letting its cool surface draw the heat from her skin. �What do you want from me?� she whispered.

�Me? I don�t want anything. Sam, are you blind? Why won�t you let yourself see and feel what�s right in front of you?� Susan rose to her feet her stride slightly stunted by the artificial limb she was still adapting to. She crossed to stand at Sam�s back. Her fingers were cool against the exposed skin of Sam�s arm. �You�re fighting so hard�I can see that you�re hurting and so is the Colonel, no scratch that�� She clicked her tongue. �No ranks here�.�

�But that�s just it, there are always ranks! Protocols, rules and regulations that push us apart�� Sam protested with a frustrated sigh. She spun away from the window nearly upsetting her friend�s balance. Reaching out a hand she steadied her. �Sorry.�

�It�s okay, I need to get used to it�� Susan dismissed her concern with a wave. �There�s more than the Air Force standing in your way isn�t there?� She added softly.

Sam swallowed hard and closed her eyes for a long moment. God, leave it alone Susan! She wanted to scream her frustration, to silence the questions�

Isn�t it time to face the truth? How long can I hide it from myself? How long can I pretend that I don�t care? That I don�t hurt just as much as Jack?

Or maybe he doesn�t care anymore?

�None of this has to leave the room.�

�And you�re okay with that?�

�Yes, Sir�

My idea�

Sam chewed on her lower lip and paced the length of the living room rubbing her folded arms, trying to banish the chills that spread like glaciers from deep within.

When did I change my mind?

Is it too late now?

She turned around to find Susan watching her. �Yeah,� she murmured. �There�s more standing in our way than the Air Force.�

�Like?�

Sam slumped onto the couch running a hand through her short blonde. �To tell you the truth I�m not sure when it started. I know when it got really bad��

�After Daniel?�

�That�s what he told you isn�t it?�

Susan crossed back to the couch and perched on the edge of the cushions. �Not in so many words no. But I saw it.� She sighed and reached for her discarded glass. Discovering it was empty she returned to the kitchenette and retrieved the bottle, topping off both their glasses with a flourish before continuing.

�We spent quite a while under that mountain. I don�t think I�ve ever been quite that afraid and you know how I get when I�m afraid��

Sam laughed hollowly her internal sympathies going out to her hapless teammate. �You must have scared the hell out of him.� She quipped and was rewarded by a grin from Susan.

�Let�s just say he wasn�t expecting me to be quite so bald.�

�I can imagine��

�We were talking about what happened to us and I mentioned that I had seen notes concerning Nirti in Dr. Jackson�s files��

Sam flinched and Susan nodded ever so slightly.

�He reacted just like that�dropped his eyes, wouldn�t look at me. He was hurting Sam and I told him that you were too and that you needed him��

�Why did you do that?� Sam heard the sharpness in her voice but she did not change her tone. �You had no right��

�I said it because it was true and if we ever made it out of there he needed to know!�

Susan was unrepentant. The flash in her green eyes left no room for argument and against her will Sam felt her indignation melt away, replaced by something that resembled gratitude but was closer to fear.

It�s not like I didn�t try�

Her thoughts flashed back to the painful exchange in the corridor after Daniel had Ascended and she felt the fresh sting of tears.

What do you want me to do, he�s gone. We�ve got work to do.�

God why couldn�t I reach you Colonel�

She shook her head, disgusted by the instinctual urge to refer to him by rank and not name even in the privacy of her thoughts.

He listened because he was scared.

He couldn�t run away.

She swallowed hard hating the next thought that tumbled through her mind.

He listened because it was Susan and not me�

Sam bowed her head and rubbed a hand across her trembling eyelids. Emotional distance had allowed Jack to open up. She felt a second brief stab of jealousy and squelched it with a shudder of inner revulsion.

Why am I jealous? It�s pathetic! What are we two kids fighting in a locker room?

�Sam?�

She licked her lips and brought her gaze back up to meet Susan�s. �Yeah?�

�When we were under there I started going into shock�we had to�get close�for warmth,� Susan ducked her head, a self-conscious smile tugging at her lips. �It was�awkward�.�

Sam nodded sympathetically shoving her brief flares of resentment into the nether regions of her mind where they belonged. �I know the feeling�same thing happened to us in Antarctica.�

Susan raised an eyebrow but did not comment as she sipped her drink.

�There was more, wasn�t there?� Sam ventured cautiously.

�Yes,� Susan put her glass on the table and turned slightly regarding Sam through lowered lids. �I told him how transparent you both were��

Sam felt her jaw drop and she closed it with a snap. Why am I surprised? �Okay��

Susan smiled softly. �Not okay I know,� she confessed. �I think I was getting pretty shocky by then�scared but I was bound and determined not to show him that��

�So you let your mouth get the best of you.� Sam finished quietly.

She was past being resentful. The vague sense of gratitude reasserted itself. �It was because of you�.� her voice faded to a whisper and Susan shifted slightly. �It was like a part of him came back, at least for a little while�.�

�I don�t know,� Susan replied quietly, �Maybe�� Her gaze drifted to the window. The glow of the nearby city was barely visible behind the reflection of the lamplight in the glass. When she spoke again her voice had taken on a distant almost wistful tone. �When I told him how transparent you both were�Sam he started to tremble. We were so close together that I couldn�t help but notice. At first I thought it was shock but�no it was more than that. He was scared like I was but it wasn�t a fear of the dark or even of dying down there. It was fear of something deep inside. Something he was afraid to touch�of something beyond his reach��

Butterflies fluttered through Sam�s stomach and she put her glass on the table suddenly wary of the liquor that sloshed within.

What were you thinking Jack?

Is it too late now to find out?

�How do you know?� she whispered hesitantly. Susan�s gaze veered from the window and drifted across her face.

�I just know. I felt it�saw it in his eyes. Sam he loves you. You see that don�t you?�

Yes! She wanted to scream out. But the word caught in her throat and she sagged against the couch. Doubts clouded her thoughts and she closed her eyes struggling for control. �Does he?� she asked quietly unable to quell her fears. �Maybe he did once, maybe he did then�but not now.�

The words tumbled from her mouth and Sam swallowed the sob that swelled suddenly with the wave of regret.

�Why do you say that?� Susan�s tone was mystified. �I thought things had changed after that day��

�They did, for a while anyway.�

�A while? What the hell does that mean?�

�I wasn�t there for him when he needed me Susan. The one time in his whole life when he really needed me and I wasn�t there��

�That�s what this is about then? That�s why you haven�t really talked since the cave-in?� Susan shook her head. �My God, Sam. That was eight months ago, how could you not in all that time��

�It just never seemed like the right time and then�there was no time left.� She replied miserably.

�You�ve got to give me more of an explanation than that��

�I don�t have to give you anything! Don�t handle me Susan! We�re not 14 anymore and this isn�t some High School infatuation�� Her fears burst the dam that held her tears in check and Sam gritted her teeth against the hot moisture that burned down her cheeks.

I can�t handle this�

�Damm right it�s not!� Susan retorted sharply. She grabbed Sam�s elbows and shook her hard. �Let it out, for God�s sake Sam! This isn�t good for either of you! Jack isn�t some teenage crush. He�s the man you love. For the first time in your life you are really and truly in love with someone! Let yourself feel it! Stop hiding!�

�What if it�s too late?� Sam choked on the words, sobbing in earnest now she buried her face in her hands. �God Susan, what if it�s too late?�

�You won�t know until you talk to him.�

She sucked in a trembling breath and brushed futilely at her wet cheeks.

I have to stop this I have to get control�

The mantra of her life chanted back at her and Sam shook her head in disgust.

What good has being in control done me? I�ve driven Jack so far away I may never reach him again. I�ve pounded my own doubts into a wall that I can�t breach, not matter how hard I try!

I hid in the control room when Jack came stumbling through the Gate with Shaylin in tow. I hid and watched as he collapsed on the ramp, muttering incoherently. He didn�t let go of the slave girl until the sedative Janet administered sent him into unconsciousness and they pried his fingers free.

He called my name and I hid�

�I don�t know what to say�where to begin.�

�Tell me what you meant�about not being there for him��

Sam swallowed loudly and swiped a hand across her eyes to dry the last of the tears. �You heard about Aiyana?�

�Yes�.� Susan said slowly. �Dr. Fraiser theorized that she might be an Ancient�one of the builders of the Stargate�� Her face went blank as she struggled to dredge up the details of her research. �After her body was cleared through Decon they sent her to area 51. I was studying her tissue samples, some of her clothes�� Refocusing her gaze on Sam she shrugged slightly. �What does this have to do with you?�

�You know we were sick?�

�Yes, that�s why Aiyana had to go through Decon protocols.�

�The Colonel,� Sam licked her lips and tried again. �Jack got very sick and Aiyana couldn�t cure him before she died. The Tok�ra had a symbiote in need of a host�it was his only chance so we�I convinced him to consent to the blending.� She bowed her head. �He did it for me�at least partly. While he was blended the Tok�ra forced him to infiltrate a Goa�uld outpost in order to rescue a slave girl. Jack was captured instead�and tortured to death God knows how many times��

�To death?�

�The Goa�uld, Baal, had a sarcophagus.�

�So this is about guilt,� Susan murmured. She tipped Sam�s chin up with gentle fingers. �Sam, you can�t honestly blame yourself for what happened��

Can�t I?

Sam pulled away from her friend and rose to pace the living room. �There�s more to it than that, unfortunately.�

Susan leaned back against the couch cushions. Sam could almost hear her thoughts churning as she gazed with unfocused eyes towards the ceiling. �You need to let it all out Sam,� she advised softly.

There was no need to tell Susan the details about Lord Yu. No doubt she would eventually read them in one report or another. Sam shook her head rubbing her arms against the renewed chill that guilt had brought.

�When Jack came back through the Gate�I couldn�t face him. It was hours before I could go see him and then I wasn�t alone with him for more than a minute or so�I didn�t know what to say�I couldn�t be there for him�� she finished in a whisper and raised hesitant eyes looking for Susan�s reaction and dreading what she might find.

There was only softness in the unwavering gaze. �Sam how could you know what to say? God what person on earth has gone through something like that?�

She shook her head in silent response and threw up her hands. �He needed me there. I know that now more than I did then and I�m afraid�� Sam drew in a shuddering breath. �I�m afraid he�ll never forgive me for staying away��

�I think his heart is bigger than that.� Susan denied. �Tell him how you feel. For once in your life own up to your own emotions, don�t shut them away.� She got to her feet and walked slowly over to Sam. The green eyes were gentle as they probed her face. �Come here.�

Sam fell into her embrace. With a hitching sigh she clung to Susan, leaning on her as she gave vent to her grief and guilt. Gentle hands stroked her back and soft words of comfort brushed against her ear.

I�ve missed you Susan. I wish I had taken the time to really talk to you all those months ago. I wish I hadn�t let my own insecurities and grief stand in the way of hearing what you had to say and of seeing how much Jack was hurting�

The thoughts trembled on the tip of her tongue but refused to form into words.

�I should have said something to him. Should have forced him to talk to me,� she murmured against Susan�s neck when she finally found her voice.

Her friend drew back her face streaked with twin tears. �I don�t think you could force Jack O�Neill to do anything,� she remarked with a small smile.

Sam giggled nervously and released her with a loud sigh. �You�re right about that. So where do I go from here?�

�How about dinner?� Susan suggested brightly.

A burst of laughter escaped Sam�s lips. �Is this your way of saying that you�re through talking about this?�

�No, its my way of saying I�m hungry! There�s this great Italian place down the block�� She favoured Sam with a wide reassuring smile. �Are you okay�at least for now?�

Am I?

Sam found herself nodding almost imperceptivity. �I think so,� she managed after a long moment of silence. �I need to talk to Jack but it will have to wait.�

�He�s flying in tonight isn�t he?�

�Yes, but maybe I shouldn�t lay this on him right now��

Susan frowned slightly. �Don�t hide��

�I won�t!� she swiped playfully at Susan�s arm. �I promise.�

�Do you want to see if he�s checked in?�

�He�s staying here?�

�Of course! All the out of town guests are, you knew that��

�Oh yeah, I guess I did.�

�It will be fine, trust me!� Susan squeezed her arm.

I hope you�re right

They took turns in the bathroom washing their faces and freshening their make-up before grabbing their coats and heading out into the hallway. When the elevator arrived Sam entered first and pressed the button for the second floor.

�What are you doing, I�m starved.� Susan protested with a knowing smile.

�You know damn well what I�m doing, � she retorted.

The heat from the fireplace blasted towards them when the elevator doors opened. Sam sighed enjoying the warm flush against her cheeks as she strode to the reception desk. The same woman was seated on her stool. She took in Sam and her companion at a glance a look of recognition flashing across her face before she spoke. �May I help you ladies?�

Sam stepped forward, ignoring the worried flip of her stomach. �I was wondering if a Colonel Jonathan O�Neill has checked in yet?� She smiled inwardly, well aware that Jack rarely used his given name unless pressed.

�He�s a guest at the wedding.� Susan added. The beaming smile had returned to her face and Sam giggled beneath her breath.

�There you go again. I won�t need a flashlight,� she whispered sotto voiced.

�Stop it!�

�No, I�m sorry Ma�am. Colonel O�Neill has not checked in, but he is due to arrive sometime this evening.� The receptionist glanced towards the windows with a slight frown. �The weather is picking up a bit, perhaps his flight has been delayed,� she suggested.

�Could be,� Sam agreed, a brief twinge of fear joined the butterflies. The thought of food suddenly seemed less than appealing.

�Come on,� Susan prodded. �Let�s get a bite, it will get your mind off of things.�

�Okay,� Sam relented. Giving the receptionist a polite smile of gratitude she turned towards the elevator doors giving the room a last cursory glance before stepping into the waiting car.

What will I say when you finally get here?

*****

Six months earlier
Planet P39-687

Sam reached out a cautious hand and gently pushed the head of Ronak�s staff towards the dirt. �He�s dead Ronak, we need your help to rescue Colonel O�Neill.�

�Hataaka!� The Jaffa spat on the body of his former comrade his rage written in the set of his jaw and the deep lines that creased his brow. �He led us here�I trusted him.�

�He will be left to a coward�s end here on the open plains Ronak. We must attend to the living,� Teal�c murmured quietly.

Sam bowed her head and took a deep breath. Yes, the living�.�Ronak, what did you mean when you said that Taybor led you here?�

The Jaffa leader tore his gaze from the dead man. �It was Taybor�s idea to come to this planet.�

�For what reason?� Teal�c asked.

�He said his former Goa�uld master, a lesser system Lord, had used this world as a training ground. When he was defeated the planet was abandoned since it wasn�t close to any Goa�uld occupied area of space.� Ronak shook his head his eyes had gone dark with the pain of his betrayal. �I trusted him, took him for an honourable man��

�You could not have known, Ronak,� Teal�c asserted.

�So Taybor�s former master was Nirti,� Sam surmised. �He lured you here in order to increase the ranks of her warriors.�

�So it would seem,� Ronak agreed.

�Those that did not turn to Nirti�s cause she would have destroyed.�

Sam nodded at her teammate before returning her gaze to the stunned face of Ronak. �You have to gather your people together. The Colonel and Captain Johnson are buried in the tunnels behind the temple. Some sort of Goa�uld trap.�

�No doubt put in place to keep unwanted visitors from entering via the ancient tunnels,� Teal�c added.

Ronak�s face had taken on a blank cast, his dark eyes distant, and empty as he watched his followers milling anxiously about them. He slowly shook his head. �No, Major Carter. We must flee this planet now. We need to return to the mountain camp and gather our families together before Nirti destroys us all.�

She grabbed the Jaffa leader�s arm as he turned abruptly away from her. �You will not leave him there to die,� she stated flatly.

Ronak seemed to return to himself in a rush. �Do not test my temper�� He warned icily

Anxiety pushed aside her better judgment and Sam gave the man a firm shake. �If Colonel O�Neill hadn�t stumbled across Nirti�s lab you would never have known of Taybor�s betrayal. She might have captured you, enslaved you! We�ve seen Goa�uld use mind control before�� Sam�s voice died away, quelled into silence by the thought of Jack and Susan suffocating beneath tons of rubble.

Ronak would have discovered the goa�uld lab eventually...

Sam thrust the thought aside, her lips compressed into a thin white line as she faced the rebel leader. Time was a luxury they could not afford.

Teal�c stepped forward and gently disengaged Sam�s hand from the warrior�s arm. His dark eyes flickered across her face and he bowed slightly, a silent acknowledgement of the urgency they both felt. Sam took a distancing step back as he turned to Ronak. She could feel the rising sense of panic beginning to cloud her judgment. A rare and chaotic blend of anxieties, as foreign to her as the planet they now stood upon.

I can�t let things get away from me! I need to stay focused�Oh my god Jack, how could we let this happen?

I can�t lose you too!

Teal�c�s tone visibly calmed the rebel leader as he spoke. �Major Carter speaks the truth. After Apophis captured me I was made to believe that my time with the SGC was in fact a subterfuge. That I was still in the service of a false God, Ronak, you owe a debt of gratitude to Colonel O�Neill. Honour demands that you repay it.�

Sam sighed deeply, forcing some of the tension from her body. She was grateful for Teal�c�s strength and loyalty but her heart went out to him. He had never shared with her what Apophis had done to him. Choosing to hold the experiences close unto himself. To her knowledge, not even the Colonel, or Daniel had ever heard the full story.

My God, Teal�c, what did it cost you to admit to this stranger that you failed to see the traitor that Apophis stirred within you? Have you paid a high enough price with those few simple words to rescue Susan and Jack?

She chewed on her lower lip, not liking the selfish nature of her thoughts but powerless to banish them into silence.

Wincing Sam dragged her attention back to the two men standing before her. Their silhouettes were tall and black in the dancing firelight, features obscured and unreadable. She could see the tension in their stance, and feel the conflict emanating in waves, like a violent ocean wind.

After an eternity of silence her teammate�s plea seemed to reach Ronak. Sam released a muted sigh of relief when the leader clasped Teal�c�s elbow in Jaffa fashion. He bowed formally in acknowledgement of the internal battle that Teal�c had fought and won.

�You are a man of honour and loyalty, Teal�c.� He turned slightly and measured Sam with a glance before continuing. �Major Carter, my warriors will attempt to rescue Colonel O�Neill and Captain Johnson. But first I must ask a question�.�

Sam shifted on her feet. Now that the rebel leader had consented, her impatience was growing in leaps and bounds. �What is it Ronak?�

�Is the offer of assistance to my people still in effect and is it contingent upon the safe rescue of your comrades?�

The slight bow of his head was a sign of respect, which Sam forced herself to accept with a tight smile and a nod. His submission posture while surprising was not something she could afford to dwell on at the moment. �Ronak the offer is genuine, no matter what the outcome of the rescue mission,� she reassured him.

Ronak smiled faintly, his features dusky in the flickering firelight. �Among the Jaffa honour is more important than life Major Carter. As Teal�c has said I owe a debt to your Colonel O�Neill I will repay it in full. But I am a leader of men, men who are responsible for the safety and well being of their families. You understand my concern?�

�I do Ronak, I do.�

�Then we go now.� He turned to the crowd that had gathered in a jostling murmuring circle while they had spoken among themselves. �We must help the warriors of the Tau'ri to free their comrades. The Goa�uld that Taybor has brought down upon us has trapped them beneath the temple hill. It is our duty to free them��

Several disturbed murmurs worked their way through the uneasy group but after a long moment quiet descended, a silence so complete that Sam heard nothing but the lonely sigh of the wind through the tall grass.

Night had stolen across the prairie while they spoke and now engulfed them in moonless darkness. The sputter of the smoky fires offered only scant illumination, as Sam stood close beside Teal�c. She kept a careful watch on Ronak as he strolled through the small camp. He paused repeatedly, speaking to warriors in hushed murmurs and frequently gesturing at her or the small knot of Taybor�s surviving followers bound and seated close by the largest blazing fire pit.

Teal�c touched her arm and Sam jumped releasing a gasp of surprise. �I am sorry Major Carter��

�It�s okay, I�m just a little on edge,� she replied. Yeah, just a little!

�We may find this of use,� he murmured and placed a small device mounted to a wrist strap in her hand.

Sam examined the object with the aid of her flashlight. �The ring controller. Of course Taybor would have needed it to get out of Nirti�s lab.�

�Yes.�

�They were in the lab and the Colonel surprised them�� She mused out loud.

�Who?� Teal�c questioned with a raised eyebrow.

�Taybor�s warriors were in the lab. The colonel must have caught them off guard that�s why they ringed out.�

�This is a logical assumption,� he rumbled in agreement before returning his attention to the nearby camp.

�We need to get back to the temple,� Sam murmured softly. Various scenarios, each more terrifying than the last, had begun to play in her mind�s eye forcing a dull ache to rise behind her eyes. Her impatience had evolved back into a disconcerting sense of panic and Sam struggled to stem the questions that spun through her mind.

Are they hurt?

Do they have enough air?

How long before it�s too late?

She swallowed and swiped a hand across her brow. Stop it! You�ll drive yourself nuts!

Ronak was striding across the dimly lit camp and Sam forced herself to straighten, banishing the useless speculation to the back of her mind.

�We are ready Major Carter.� He turned and encompassed a large knot of young men with a broad wave of his hand.

Finally!

Sam bit her tongue before the word could tumble out. Nodding to the Jaffa leader she turned and headed back the way they had come.

Using the beacon on the mobile FRED unit as a guide she proceeded at a fast jog in a straight line across the open prairie. Unhampered by the need for stealth the return trip was nearly cut in half despite the darkness. The group soon found itself on the ridge overlooking the depression where the temple entrance was located.

Sam turned to Ronak. �You told Taybor that your sentinels saw him emerge via rings on the far side of the hill. Can you show me where?�

The rebel leader nodded tersely and gestured for one of his followers to come forward. They exchanged a few mumbled words before the second man gathered Sam and Teal�c in with a glance and proceeded around the side of the hill.

They followed the torch bearing warrior until he paused on the backside of the low hillock. �Here,� he pointed at the ground and then indicated the controller Sam clutched in her hand with a tilt of his head.

Sam nodded and pulled Teal�c aside. Speaking in a whisper she indicated the nearby Jaffa with a flick of her eyes. �I need you to keep an eye on things up here while I go down below.�

Teal�c nodded stiffly, clearly ill at ease with her choice. The necessity of separating wasn�t something either of them could easily accept. Not for the first time Sam wished that SG teams were bigger, allowing people to work in groups of two instead of singly when a crisis arose.

�I understand,� he murmured quietly and stepped out of range of the rings as she activated the controller.

The alien device hummed to life. Rising out of its invisible home beneath sand and grass it encased Sam in a bright flash that banished the dark prairie and replaced it with the even darker chaos of Nirti�s laboratory.

Sam spun slowly in the gloom her flashlight casting odd shadows amid the jumble of alien artifacts that littered the tables. Everything was covered in a fine coating of sand. A few larger rocks spilled from the mouth of the tunnel on the far side of the room. The dark maw appeared to be the only entrance or egress to the room, aside from the rings.

Further inspection found a small, enclosed unit, one corner crumpled and broken. Noxious smelling liquid oozed onto the floor. Sam gave it a wide berth, wishing she had thought to wear a gas mask. Elsewhere in the room a large piece of ceiling had crushed a lighted panel. Showers of sparks spat into the darkness making Sam jump and curse beneath her breath as she moved towards the tunnel.

Satisfied for the moment that she was alone Sam triggered her radio. �Colonel O�Neill, Captain Johnson, can you hear me?�

Static blared back at her and Sam closed the channel muttering an oath before resuming her scan of the room

You will not take them from me!

The thought flashed through her mind and she gritted her teeth acknowledging the fear of loss and turning it to her advantage as she strode through the debris. Nirti had faced them all and lost, twice. Whether the Goa�uld ever showed herself or not Sam was determined to win the latest battle of wills. She could accept nothing less for Susan or Jack�

I�m no good to either of them if I�m dead�

Grimacing at the maudlin inner warning she crossed the empty room and peered into the mouth of the tunnel. As her flashlight beam brushed across the rocks and sand on the floor it illuminated the head and a portion of the upper body of a Jaffa.

Sam gasped and stepped back slight as she reached for her radio. �Teal�c!�

�Major Carter?� his voice was thin beneath the crackle of static.

What the hell is under this mountain? Something must be interfering with reception but what? Sam shook her head dismissing the thought. �I�ve found one of Ronak�s missing Jaffa, he�s dead.�

�I see, what of Nirti?�

Sam moved into the mouth of the tunnel carefully avoiding the still form on the floor. �I haven�t seen any sign of her��

�She was in possession of a Goa�uld invisibility shield when we last saw her�� he reminded.

�I know. But I don�t think she�s here. After the explosion I�m guessing she left the lab at least temporarily.�

�For what reason?�

Sam wasn�t surprised by the tense question, knowing Teal�c as she did. To the Jaffa a Goa�uld was an arrogant self-centred being that would not hesitate to confront her enemy no matter what the odds. Teal�c expected Nirti to stand her ground and Sam found to her surprise that she expected it as well. But the circumstances had forced Nirti to react differently than her brethren a fact that Sam could be grateful for in the current situation. Nirti was a renegade, lacking warriors and resources�and a stable base now. The latter brought a pale smile to Sam�s lips.

�I doubt she would feel comfortable confronting Ronak�s army. I think she was trying to establish a new base here like we suspected. The colonel stumbling across it was just bad luck and bad timing.�

Teal�c was silent for a long moment before replying with a rare sigh. �I believe you are correct.�

His tone was one of resignation and Sam recognized the emotion as directed at the absent goa�uld. She could sympathize. Killing alien life was not an integral part of the SGC code of conduct, but Goa�ulds were an exception for almost anyone with a conscience.

�Still no sign of the Colonel or Captain Johnson.� She advised as she walked further into the tunnel. The scattering of debris at the tunnel mouth was the result of a secondary collapse Sam determined. A bend in the smooth dark walls brought her up against the bulk of the damage. �I�ve found the primary rock fall,� she murmured into her radio. It was pointless to hide her dismay from Teal�c and she didn�t try.

�What do you advise?� Came the quiet response.

Sam brushed a hand across her face and took a deep steadying breath before picking up one of the smaller rocks at her feet. �I�ve tried my radio, no luck. Going for the more direct approach.�

�Meaning?�

�Morse code. If they are alive they might hear it and be able to respond.�

�Indeed.�

Sam stepped close to a large boulder that had fallen from the ceiling. She pounded the smaller rock against it, forcing all the hope she could into her voice as she called out. �Susan�Jack!�

******

Jack awoke with a start.

Where am I?

Oh God, it�s so quiet.

Random thoughts that seemed to come from somewhere in the oppressive darkness echoed through his head. Somehow disconnected from the current time and place. Memories of the tin box in the Iraqi prison compound sent icy shivers down his sweaty back. The feel of hot sticky air pressing close against him spoiled by the smell of his own urine and the bitter odour of fear. His hands and feet numb, circulation cut off by hours of sitting in one cramped position. The agonizing pin prick of sensation when he did manage to move slightly. His head throbbing from the impact of a rifle butt, a dull ache that painted the inside of the box scarlet with each beat of his heart.

No that�s in the past�

Jack raised a shaking hand and pressed his palm to his face. The feather brush of his eyelashes verified that his eyes were open. The pounding in his skull was reality, not a vague unwelcome memory.

He swallowed hard and forced himself to take a deep breath. Pain shot brilliant sparks across his vision. He reached inward, latched onto the agony and allowed it to draw him into the present as he struggled to focus.

Something had awakened him.

Susan shifted beside him. Her breathing was shallow and alarmingly soft.

How long have I been asleep, unconscious?

What is that noise?

Jack rolled away from his battered left side and sat up slowly. The extra pressure on his ribcage forced a ragged moan from his lips. Nausea rose in waves and he gritted his teeth determined not to lose the last remaining fluids in his system. When the ringing in his ears had subsided he tilted his head slightly, straining to hear the foreign sound that had dragged him from his stupor.

A series of dull thumps and pauses echoed in the silent chamber. Jack searched his muzzy brain. There was something familiar about the pattern.

J!

The first letter of his name flashed like a beacon, cutting through the pain induced fog.

A!

Jesus, Sam!

C!

He reached down and prodded weakly at the too still form by his side.

K!

�Susan, wake up!�

She coughed thickly and mumbled, her words slurred and incoherent.

�Wake up,� he ordered sharply.

She did not respond a second time.

Oh God, no! Sam you are so close! Picking up a rock Jack began hammering on the boulder that made up the better part of the wall that separated him from the lab. H E R E, he pounded out.

Silence.

No!

Did I imagine it? Am I still unconscious? Dreaming?

W E pause A R E pause H E R E stop.

Jack released the breath that had stuck in his throat during the eternity between his message and the reply.

S A M His arm trembled with the effort of replying and the rock slipped from his sweaty grip.

Y E S came the reply

I knew you would come.

Jack sagged against the stone, breathing in great mouthfuls of the fetid air. The relief was like a fresh breeze, fanning the cold sweat from his face. He pawed through the sand on the floor until he found the discarded flashlight. It came alive with a resounding click and he shone it on the wall in front of him seeking a crack that the beam might penetrate. Finding nothing he dropped the light to Susan�s unresponsive form.

She did not move as the beam flitted across her face. The skin beneath the dust was drawn and chalk white. Jack reached out and took her hand, wincing at the dead weight and the cold of her fingers. He gripped hard, tilting his head slightly as the distant thump resumed.

H O L D pause O N

�They�re coming for us, Susan. Hang on,� he murmured reassuringly. The sound of his words drove the paralysing memories and fears deeper into the corners of his mind. Jack licked his lips tasting the salt of his sweat and the grit that had rained down upon them. �They�re coming.�

The sound of his breathing and the desperate ache of uncertainty stretched the long moments between the last Morse syllable and the first faint scrabbling of shifting rock. A fresh shower of grit and small pebbles rained down on them. He gritted his teeth and laid his body across Susan�s protecting her unconscious form against the bruising onslaught. His breath came in ragged gasps, as pain lanced from his ribcage and across his chest.

Hurry Sam!

J A C K

The rustle and grind of stone against stone momentarily ceased and he heard the renewed pounding of his name. Jack shifted position, moaning through clenched teeth. Blackness nibbled at the edges of his vision narrowing the muted pool of light cast by the flashlight to a bare pinprick. He reached for the torch and raised it to the wall, which had begun to shift with the onslaught of his rescuers. With sweat slick hands he scanned the stones, the light trembling with the effort it took. Abruptly his wrist went limp and the light tumbled to the floor and winked out.

W E pause S E E pause I T

Jack collapsed across Susan�s body eliciting a sharp cry from her. �I�m sorry,� he whispered. She quieted as he removed his weight, pushing himself upright on shaking arms. The sounds of rescue were growing louder and as he stared bleary eyed the wall in front of him gave way in a tide of rocks that flooded outwards. As the haze settled Jack blinked and stared in wonderment at the sweat streaked face that peered in on them. �Sam?� he breathed and reached out towards her. The darkness rose like a tide around him, forcing his eyelids to flutter heavily closed.

I�m dreaming.

The firm but tender touch of her hand on his was electric. Jack�s eyes flew open and he stared mouth agape. �Sam?�

Can she hear me? Did I say her name out loud?

�I�m here,� she replied softly. Two words spoken in a whisper drenched in unshed tears. Jack clung to her outstretched hand, his gaze wandering across every inch of her face. Her blue eyes were large and luminous as they stared back at him. Seeming to drink him in as if she needed to reassure herself that he was not an illusion.

Oh God, Sam!

�It�s going to be alright, Sir.�

Jack�s heart thudded heavily in his chest. Sir? For a moment they had touched and the barriers had fallen away. Now they were back in full force despite or because of the situation that still faced them all. The ache in his heart matched the throbbing in his skull. His hand slid from her grasp and he sat back amid the debris. The pain in his ribs forcing his words out in painful gasps. �She�s pinned under that boulder, her leg is crushed.�

�It�s okay, Sir. Ronak�s warriors are helping us. We�ll have you both out in a minute.�

Helping?

Vague warning bells sounded in his brain.

No, that couldn�t be right�

Through the haze of drifting sand and pale lantern light he could see the ghostly forms of Jaffa. They worked in silence, never crossing each other�s paths as they widened the hole in the wall.

But, the footprints�

Teal�c�s round face, smeared with sweat and dirt peered in. A slow smile spread across his lips when he spotted Jack amid the ruins of the tunnel. �O�Neill.�

�Hey,� he whispered in response. His unease at the presence of the Jaffa dissipated like so much fog as he beheld the eager faces of his teammates. For a moment he expected Daniel�s bespectacled countenance to appear as well. The all too familiar ache of regret washed over him as memory returned.

The rescue party worked in efficient silence taking only a few minutes to shift the rock piles enough for Sam to enter the cramped space. �Are you okay?� she whispered while casting a worried glance in Susan�s direction.

�No,� he admitted. �But she needs your help now.�

�I know.� Sam�s eyes had grown dark with concern. �I found this in the lab.� She held out her hand, a Goa�uld healing device sparkled in the intermittent lantern light.

He nodded offering her a pale smile of encouragement. �You made it work before,� he pointed out.

�On Kronos�but not when it really mattered,� she murmured bitterly.

Jack felt his heart skip a beat. He swallowed hard searching her face, seeking to hold her moist gaze with his own. �Sam, you can do this.�

She flinched slightly at the use of her name. A frown pulled at the corners of her mouth, regrets old and new hovered in her eyes. Jack brushed the back of her hand with his fingertips. He wanted to touch her, grab on and not let go, but the barriers were back. They rose like granite markers, blotting out the fleeting warmth, the flash of a fear too deep too touch. Impenetrable despite what had nearly happened.

Now was not the time.

He gestured to the woman lying beside them. �You can,� he repeated breathlessly. She needed to believe it.

Sam�s eyes flickered across his face and then seem to go blank as she turned her focus inward. Shifting on her knees she slid the device across her palm and covered the back of her hand with the other one. For a long tense moment nothing happened.

The device came abruptly alive with a low hum that grew until Jack felt an answering throb deep in his bones. Amber light pierced the darkness, bathing Susan�s inert body in a warm glow. The whine of it grew higher and more insistent and the sounds of the rescue died away. The Jaffa paused in their labours mesmerized by the sight of the Tau'ri woman mastering Goa�uld magic. Jack could hear them gasping and muttering in awe as Sam moved the glowing device down the length of Susan�s body. Her hands hung suspended over the spot where the boulder had crushed the flesh into the unyielding stone of the floor. Susan gasped and cried out and the light wavered as Sam fought the distraction. Jack concentrated on her face.

You can do this�

Her skin seemed to pulse with an inner light, set afire by the glow of the healing device. Her jaw clenched and unclenched as she concentrated. A frown flitted across her lips and settled between her unblinking eyes.

You can do this�

Jack heard Teal�c�s voice, deep but distant. He was ordering the Jaffa to step aside. The sharp metallic ring of an arming Zat penetrated his consciousness. As if in a dream he responded to Teal�c�s command to move away from the large boulder. He fell backwards into the debris that littered the floor. His head thudded dully against the stone causing a renewed ringing to rise in his ears. The Zat fired. Once, twice, three times�

The boulder disappeared in a flash of lightning blue at the same time the amber glow of the healing device died away. Sam slumped back onto the floor next to him. She was panting raggedly and a fresh sheen of sweat shone on her face.

�Sir?�

Sam! Her name silent but insistent fought to pass his lips. Jack blinked fighting the darkness that softened the edges of his vision. The sharp iron taste of blood filled his mouth and he coughed weakly wincing against the ache in his ribs. Licking his lips he tried again and managed a rasping whisper. �Carter?�

Something like regret flashed in her dark eyes. She reached out and stroked the back of his hand sending shivers racing down his back despite the pain that racked every nerve ending. �She�s okay�Let�s get you out of here.�

�Yeah,� The word slipped from his lips as he drifted away, the flesh of his hand still tingling with her last lingering touch.

******

Present

�I was wondering if a Colonel Jonathan O�Neill has checked in yet?�

Sam�s voice, bright and too cheerful drifted across the mostly empty lobby. She was standing at the reception desk with Susan Johnson, their backs towards him.

Not now!

Panic shot fire across Jack�s nerves. Crossing the room in a few long strides he leaned heavily on the wide sill in front of the tall, darkened windows. His heart was slamming in his chest. Above the thud of his pulse he could hear them talking, murmured words, muffled giggles as they turned from the reception desk and approached the elevator. Only when the soft chime and the grind of the doors signalled the car�s departure could he turn.

Jack scanned the room ignoring the odd looks from the couple in front of the fireplace and the suspicious stare from the woman behind the desk. Tremors wracked his body and he scrubbed roughly at his arms. The skin beneath the cloth prickled and burned as the circulation returned. He wanted to blame the shivers on the change in temperature but it wasn�t true. An irrational fear so sharp and biting that it tore the breath from his lungs was the cause of the trembling. The true reason his stomach had done a slow nauseating roll when he heard Sam�s voice.

Anger, bitter and hot rose inside him. He took a deep breath willing his heart to slow, fighting for self-control.

God damn you MacKenzie for being right! Screw you Baal, you psychotic Bastard!

Damn you Sam for walking away and damn myself for not having the courage to tell you how much it hurt!

The thoughts were like acid burning through Jack�s brain, leaving him breathless and shaken. He felt exposed, vulnerable to the sly glances and furtive words of the smattering of people that shared the room. Could they hear the thudding of his heart, pounding so hard that it would surely leap from his chest at any moment. He had to get away�

He released a long slow sigh between pursed lips.

She�s gone�for now.

What happens later?

Jack ran a tired hand through his hair. He needed to sleep, if the nightmares would allow. Clamping down hard on his rampart emotions he flexed his fingers and reached for his discarded luggage. The couple averted their eyes as he crossed in front of them and approached the desk. The clerk gave him a bald stare, undoubtedly uncomfortable with his body language. Jack struggled to compose his face into a tight polite smile. �Colonel Jonathan O�Neill, I�m here for the Simmons/Johnson wedding.�

�I see,� she murmured. �Identification please?�

He nodded and produced his Air Force ID. Hurry up!

Satisfied but still wary she glanced down at her computer screen. �You are in room 312, Colonel. Take the elevator up one level, turn right, end of the hall.� She handed him his keycard. �Have a pleasant stay,� she added dutifully.

Jack couldn�t blame her for being uneasy. He could feel the burn of returning sensation in his cheeks and his hands were ghostly pale and shaking when he signed the register. There was only a shred of self-control holding him together and he could only imagine the haunted look that must have been reflected in his eyes. Turning towards the elevator he sighed in frustration as a gaggle of passengers disgorged into the lobby. �Stairs?� he asked the distracted clerk.

She pointed without comment.

�Thank you.�

Grabbing his luggage Jack walked towards the door marked exit. The air in the stairwell was decidedly cooler than the oppressive heat of the lobby. He paused and took several deep breaths, ignoring the clinging odours of must and oil that permeated the cramped dimly lit space. Taking the stairs two at a time despite his bruised and aching knee he emerged on the third floor in moments.

The halls were busy. Jack glanced at his watch. The dinner hour, perhaps his queasy stomach wasn�t entirely due to anxiety?

Yeah, right.

He murmured politely as he passed knots of people on his way to the corner room. It took three swipes of the keycard before the lock released with a dull hum and click.

Once inside he threw his luggage on the spare bed and walked to the sliding doors that opened onto a mini balcony. The blinds were drawn and they parted with a slight catch before settling against themselves revealing the city below.

The last remnants of rush hour traffic could be seen crawling around the bow of the bay to his right. Strings of ruby taillights interspersed with the bright green of traffic signals and the soft glow of streetlamps. The frozen lake seemed to glow with a life all its own. Its smooth surface, nearly devoid of snow due to the fitful wind, reflected the lights along the shore and the dusting of stars that had begun to emerge as the clouds were torn apart.

Jack stepped out onto the balcony. His breath clouded the air and his skin began to tingle with the cold but he ignored it. Instead he scanned the sky, momentarily losing himself in the dusky heavens.

Somewhere up there I went through the most horrible experience of my life.

Sam could tell me exactly where.

He grimaced in frustration.

Yes she could tell where I was but she couldn�t be there when I came back.

Why?

Because she cares or because she doesn�t anymore and didn�t want to give me false hope?

MacKenzie had pushed him hard during their most recent sessions. The doctor�s keen clinical eye seeing what Jack had fought against for too long. His attraction to his 21C had to be a kept secret. Looking back Jack was amazed at how completely he had been able to hide it even from himself.

He had buried his attraction to Sam after he had �killed� her. Covered it in layers of denial so deep that he had begun to think that it really was over. It hurt too much to believe otherwise. But Daniel�s Ascension had brought everything back. Shining a brilliant light on his anguish and regrets, making it impossible for him to ignore his loneliness. Sam�s plea in the corridor had nearly torn him apart.

Sam I wanted tell you how sorry I was�but I couldn�t. I let myself believe that you didn�t really need me�

It had been easy to do. After Daniel left she had pulled away from him, to all appearances just as hurt and angry as he was. With the exception of a few brief moments they had steered clear of each other�s emotional space. Her tender smile when she dug him out of the rubble on P39-687, the gentle banter between them when they tested the X302. A shared knowing look when using the Zaytarc detector on the Alpha site while looking for the invisible Ashrak. These were but brief flashes of happier times yearned for but hidden behind walls of pain and guilt. Like strangers, their actions had been mechanical, dutiful. Without a trace of the affection�the love�that had grown so deep and fierce over the last two years.

�Don�t do this to yourself, Jack,� he murmured softly. Bowing his head he rubbed weary hands across his face and through his hair. The wind had turned bitter and sharp as night took hold. The numbness in his fingers and cheeks drove him back inside the hotel room. He glanced around the cozy space and spotted the mini-bar discreetly hidden in the base of the TV stand. Warning bells clanged in his head as he opened the door and scanned the contents. He ignored them. Choosing to remove a selection of hard liquors he straightened stiffly and went in search of ice and a glass.

I can�t get drunk.

Why not?

Because, I have to talk to Sam?

Jack poured himself a healthy shot, banishing the thoughts with the first fiery swallow. What difference did it make? He had plenty of time to recover before the late afternoon wedding the following day. Sam wasn�t going to come to him before then. It was the height of arrogance to think she would come at all. Why would she? She had her oldest and dearest friend to keep her occupied. Someone who would listen to her fears and not shut her out like he had.

Nothing had changed.

He glanced towards the telephone considering and rejecting the notion of room service. Slumping into the comfortable chair Jack stretched out his legs on the end of the bed and turned on the TV. He flipped through the stations, draining his glass and refilling it without regard to the contents of the bottle. The ice chilled glass slowly numbed his fingers as he stared sightlessly at the flickering images.

Why should tonight be any different?

More and more nights had been spent in a similar state in the last few months. Drinking himself into a stupor in the guise of �relaxation�

�Are you self medicating?�

Oh yeah, you betcha.

Jack chased the bitter mental voice with a swallow of vodka. It had been like this when Charlie died. Long evenings spent staring at the TV or sitting on the deck listening to the distant sounds of family life over the backyard fence. Sara tiptoeing around him, trying to entice him to join her at the dinner table, or go for a ride on the weekends, anything to draw him out of his shell. It hadn�t worked and she had given up eventually. Too wrapped up in her own pain and much later too involved with moving on to wait for him to open his eyes.

More regrets.

The slam of a door in the hallway startled Jack back to the present. He dropped his glass and swore softly as the ice tumbled silently across the thick carpeting. Rising to his feet he went into the bathroom and turned on the light. The reflection in the mirror made him gasp and step back.

His face was pasty grey, skin drawn tight over the bones. Cheeks sunk in with only a rash of cold induced ruddiness for colour. Worse than the thin white lips and the deep crease in his brow was the darkness behind his eyes. He felt like he was seeing a shade, the ghost of a man who hasn�t realized that he has passed beyond the world of the living. There was no light in the brown depths, only fear and regret warring for control. The set of his jaw spoke of the anger and frustration he could not hide. Suddenly cotton mouthed Jack swallowed hard and licked his lips.

I�m surprised the clerk didn�t run screaming when she saw me, I would have.

His mouth twisted into a bitter grimace, his reflection seeming to mock him. Jack stepped away from the mirror and turned off the light, the purpose for entering the bathroom forgotten.

He felt somehow disembodied. As if the man in the mirror were some bizarre Dickensonian interpretation of the future. He had the irrational urge to turn back and look again but he resisted it with a shudder. What if the reflection in the mirror were nothing more than bones with empty eye sockets?

Too much to drink�

The self-admonishment held him back for a few moments but in the end it wasn�t enough. He opened up the cooler and pulled the last remaining bottles out of the door. A square ruby bottle of Aftershock with a smattering of sugar crystals on the bottom and a slim vial of Tequila with a label he didn�t recognize.

Oh yeah this is a good combination.

Jack slouched into the chair again and held the Aftershock bottle up in front of the flickering light of the TV. Scarlet sparks shot across his vision as the liquid sloshed in the bottle. He could feel the pull of the flesh on his cheeks as he smiled stupidly at the absurd patterns reflected on the walls. His back slid lower in the chair as he cranked off the cap and took a tentative sip of the cinnamon liquor. Fiery warmth spread across his tongue and down his throat, exploding into a blast furnace of heat that sent tingles shooting up his arms and out the tips of his fingers.

Good stuff!

Oh yeah, just terrific�

The warnings of his subconscious were getting harder to hear. Jack waved a dismissive hand in the air and took another swallow of the liquor. The warmth in his belly grew more intense. A numbing fire that blotted out everything but the dark tunnel that engulfed him. He sighed and stared at the ceiling, dangling the half empty bottle between his fingers.

Sam�

No, not her�not now�just let me sleep�forget.

His eyes slid closed and he felt the bottle slip from his grasp and land on the carpet with a muted thump. For a time there was nothing but the dull mumble of TV ad jingles and the distant sounds of people entering and exiting their rooms beyond his door.

Eventually the tunnel closed in around him. The world faded from Jack�s perception, slipping stealthily away and leaving him to the darkness. He fought it, rising towards the muted lamplight in the hotel room but eventually falling back, defeated by too many sleepless nights and the deceptive comfort brought on by the queue of liquor bottles.

The dreams stole into his consciousness. First came the soothing images, Charlie playing baseball his first day on a two-wheeler the utter peace of his infant son in a bassinet. Time reversing itself to the day he married Sara. Images filled with pastel green grass and cornflower blue skies, the smell of lilacs in May, and the sharp enticing odour of a fresh cut lawn on a summer afternoon. Jack strolled through the visions, soaking up the serenity of them but occasionally he would pause. In the eerie slow motion of dream he would look over his shoulder. Anxiously scanning the faces of loved ones, looking for the darkness that he knew was hidden just beyond their gauzy shades.

I want to stay here�

His dream voice hollow and resigned. The shades smiled and nodded but ultimately faded in the bright hot light of the sarcophagus. Its� hum, dull and distant at first then building rapidly to a fevered pitch, piercing his skull until he could no longer hold back the screams of agony.

Shut it off!

Baal!

The Goa�uld appeared, a twisted smile curving his lips beneath the neat mustache. �Why have you come here Tok�ra?�

�I may be a lot of things, but I�m no TOK�RA!� His voice angry and desperate, but not quite broken.

That would come later.

How many times had Baal asked the question?

Falling. Down and down until he landed with a bone-rattling crunch on the floor of the cell. The woman, and Daniel�

�Then help me!�

�I can�t��

Why oh God why not?

The images speeded up. Flashing in a rapid-fire kaleidoscope of blinding colour and ear splitting sounds, sensation that belied his dream state, too real for memory. The sudden searing pain of the acid burning through his clothing and eating into his tender flesh sang across his nerves. The knives slid into his chest, oddly painless, until they pierced his heart. The grinding scrape of blade to bone as Baal manipulated the daggers he had plunged into Jack�s body. Other tortures the Goa�uld growing more imaginative as time wore on. Flesh torn from his fingers in long strips, left to dangle while he writhed in agony. Fingernails removed one by agonizing one while a Jaffa held his head, made him watch. The terrifying whir followed by the acid like burn as he skin was razed from his body�.

A flash of white-hot agony and then the deceptively soft hues of the cell, he tumbled to the floor�.

Alone

Daniel where are you?

Sam!

Sliding down the wall of the cell, the rough fabric dragging across the freshly healed skin on his back.

Alone.

******

Sam sat up with a start.

The slam of a door, a child�s cry, a scream, something had shattered the peace of her dreams. The possibilities tumbled through her mind as she rose from her warm bed and paced to the window. She drew the blinds, shivering slightly as the cold that had penetrated the glass brushed against her skin.

The sky above the frozen lake had begun to lighten, heralding the new day with fresh, clear, heavens pocked with stars that glittered faintly as they slowly dimmed.

Sam hugged herself, chewing absently on her lower lip. Glancing over her shoulder she spied the bedside clock.

Five thirty, what am I doing up?

Through the thin walls she could hear Susan breathing. She smiled softly at her friend�s muted snores. They had shared a room many times as teens and during the early years of their Academy training. It wasn�t Susan who had dragged her from dreams that she could not remember.

Sam closed the blinds against the soft glow of the morning light and turned from the window. She slid back under the covers and took several deep breaths willing her muscles to relax. The reasons for her sudden wakefulness flitted at the corners of her subconscious but she ignored them allowing her mind to drift in a comforting haze of darkness. Slowly spiralling back towards the blessed silence of sleep.

Sam!

Her name like white-hot lightning shot through her, tearing asunder the soothing clouds of slumber. Sam sat up, her eyes wide as she searched the corners of the unfamiliar room. Looking for the origin of the anguished cry. Every nerve tingled as she rose for the second time and gathered her robe from the chair in the corner.

A scream but not�

Sam�s heart pounded in her chest. She returned to her bed and sat on the edge staring blankly at the phone on the end table. Cold, bitter and raw spread through her, seeping into every corner of her being. She shivered and rubbed at her silk clad arms with icy fingers.

Jack had called her name. His inner plea was as clear and sharp as if he had spoken to her. How she had heard his desperate cry was irrelevant. His voice tinged with fear and pain had drenched her with cold fire and filled her with sadness so deep it left a physical ache in its wake. Sam sucked in her lower lip and bowed her head into her hands. Her breath caught in her throat as his face flashed before her eyes. Haggard and withdrawn, a shadow of the man she had grown to care so much for. Brown eyes clouded with pain and bitterness after Daniel Ascended and later blank and lifeless when he stumbled through the Stargate clinging to Shaylin�s hand.

Why?

Sam swallowed the lump in her throat. Why do you want me, Jack, after everything that has happened? Months of withdrawal and then the harsh, angry rebuke in the SGC corridor. After the sarcophagus�

Why?

She dropped her eyes to the phone and shook her head firmly. No, this isn�t something you do over the phone. He had called her and whether it was right or wrong she needed to go to him.

Regulations!

Sam slipped out of her nightclothes and into a pair of green velour sweats and a soft white sweater. They were as far from Cheyenne Mountain as they could get without leaving the planet, at least in the psychological sense. She banished the rulebook to the nether regions of her mind and stepped into the common area of the suite.

Now is the time, before I can change my mind�before things get any further out of hand, if such a thing is even possible!

The distance, both real and imagined, was partly to blame for her introspection she realized with a heavy sigh. But in the end the reasons were unimportant. Sam smoothed her sweater into place and walked to the small table and chairs situated behind the couch.

After returning from dinner the night before she and Susan had sat down and discussed last minute wedding details. Their conversation had drifted, helped by the bottle of wine from dinner. Sam had felt like a teen again, giggling over the crush that Graham had had on her during his tenure at the SGC. Far from offended Susan had willingly shared a laugh over her fianc� self-conscious smile. Sam had always liked the shy lieutenant and she cautioned Susan in a mock serious tone that she should go easy on her groom.

Their discussion included examining a list of the guests that had arrived. Susan had a list of room numbers and she added the names of the most recent arrivals while they chatted. Some of the names had notes next to them, guests that needed to attend the planned breakfast rehearsal, reminders on what they needed to bring. Sam had been careful to hide her reaction to the colonel�s check-in time and room number behind a bright smile. Susan had bought none of it. She saw the flush in Sam�s cheeks and the sadness in her eyes but chose to keep her opinions to herself. Sam had been grateful for her silence. A bit too much wine at dinner had clouded her head and confronting the colonel�Jack, she had corrected with an internal giggle, given her state of mind was not a wise choice.

Sam shifted some of the papers on the table until she found the list. Jack�s name was near the bottom, his room just down the hall. If he had actually called her name aloud earlier, Sam knew without a doubt that she would have heard him. Years spent sleeping lightly in strange environments had left her uniquely attuned to the sounds and movements of her teammates. Teal�c�s slow steady rhythms as he meditated, Daniel�s light snores�She smiled sadly and put the list on the table before crossing to the door. Jonas� soft whistling as he breathed out had been easy to adapt to. Finally Jack�s deep exhalations punctuated by frequent shifts of position, she always knew where he was in relation to her.

We are connected.

The inward admission caused her to pause mid-stride with her hand on the doorknob. The attraction was still there, stronger than ever�

How far will we go if I go to him now?

Will it finally be over? Or will we begin something that could ultimately spiral out of control?

Sam shook her head firmly the questions had no answers in the circular pattern of her thoughts.

Moving with careful footsteps she eased open the suite door and padded barefoot down the dim hallway. The whole world seemed blissfully asleep and she couldn�t help a brief stab of resentment as she approached Jack�s door. For a moment she paused. Her head was still muzzy from the wine, and she felt vaguely nauseas though she couldn�t be sure if it were nerves or the telltale signs of a hangover.

A heavy thump and a muffled curse banished her antipathy with a guilty flush and propelled her the last few steps down the hall. She raised a tentative hand and rapped softly on the creamy wood.

Silence.

She waited, fidgeting nervously. Any second someone would hear her and peak out wondering what on earth she was doing in the hall at this ungodly hour. Sam licked her lips and knocked a second time, more insistently this time. �Come on�� she muttered.

Silence and then another louder curse followed closely by, �What?�

Sam placed her hand open palmed on the closed door and leaned her head against her knuckles. �Let me in,� she murmured softly. Too quiet for him to hear, but she knew he would answer.

Heavy footfalls and Sam straightened just as the lock clicked and the door was wrenched open.

The acrid odor of booze and vomit drifted into the hallway. Sam stepped back unable to hide her dismay at his wretched state. His face was milky white, hair sticking in all directions evidence of a rough and sleepless night. Dark circles shadowed his sunken eyes, which were obsidian black and lifeless beneath his long lashes. He stared back at her wide-eyed and slack jawed.

Oh god�.

�What?� he repeated after a long moment.

His breath was a sour wave that slammed into her and Sam felt her stomach flip over rebelliously. �Sir��

�Go away, Carter.� His words said in a whisper faint, and sad. He turned away and stumbled back into the room landing heavily on the rumpled bed.

No.

She struggled with the word, tried to force it past lips gone numb with shock. But her mouth was as dry as a desert and the word died on her tongue. Sam stepped into the room and closed the door softly behind her. The bathroom light was on, the clinging scent of sickness hung in the air. She wrinkled her nose and flushed the forgotten toilet before switching off the light. Jack did not stir when she crossed to the spare bed and sank onto the foot of it.

He had fallen back to sleep, or passed out she couldn�t be sure which one. Sam glanced around the room frowning at the liquor bottles lined up on the table and scattered on the floor by the chair. The TV was babbling softly and the lamp had been left on.

Sleep or something like it had been hard in coming.

Sam shifted her gaze to his unconscious form. He was lying on his side, breathing deeply through his open mouth.

Not a particularly attractive sight. Sam clicked her tongue and shook her head with a wry smile. Nope, not your best look, Jack. For a moment she felt guilty at her mental levity but seeing him stretched out looking so pathetic it was either laugh or cry. Tears would come later whether she wanted them or not.

She shifted on the bed allowing her eyes to wander the length of him. A faint flush rose in her cheeks as she drank in the sight of his long, lean legs slightly bent at the knees. Muscular thighs, that lead to firm buttocks and a well-built torso faintly outlined beneath his black T-shirt. One arm was draped across his eyes, not quite obscuring the silver strands of hair that curled at the nape of his neck.

Stop looking at him!

Why?

There were plenty of logical reasons why she should close her eyes and turn away; reasons that did not adhere to the demands of a frightened angry heart nor bow to guilt or regret brought on by years of denial. There were plenty of illogical reasons why she should stay, a laundry list that urged her to curl up on the spare bed and watch over him as he had watched over her more times than she cared to contemplate.

Sam stood up. She slid the luggage to one side and pulled back the comforter. The decision to stay made in her heart not her head. She had listened to logic when Jack had come back through the Gate after having escaped from Baal. The linear practical side of her brain had urged her to hide in the Control room while he fell in a babbling incoherent heap on the metal ramp that abutted the Gate. The frightened and angry part of her had listened to him thrash and cry out as the first symptoms of withdrawal had pushed him to his physical limits. Guilt had kept her from holding his hand and staying with him after Jonas and Teal�c had left them alone in the infirmary.

She lay back on the pillow and watched him with wide eyes, knowing that sleep would not come for a long time.

******

Sam awoke to muted winter light pouring through the open blinds of the balcony doors. She blinked the sleep from her eyes, momentarily confused. Her location clarified itself in a frightening flash when she spotted the open shaving kit on the table. Licking her suddenly dry lips her gaze flew to the bed next to her.

Jack was gone.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and glanced apprehensively around the now familiar space. The TV and lamp had been switched off, the debris removed from the floor and table. The acrid stuffiness of the room had been cleared away, replaced by the fresh smell of soap and spicy aftershave. Judging by the chill in the air Jack had chosen to open the sliding doors as well. Sam climbed to her feet. Stretching she turned towards the light and spotted his jacket clad form leaning heavily on the railing.

Jack�s hair was frozen into glittering silver strands that curled slightly where they grazed his collar. The sunshine had given his clean-shaven skin a healthy bronze cast. He seemed to sense her gentle gaze and turned slightly, his glance hasty, fearful, not daring to rest for more than a moment on her face.

Sam winced.

What are you thinking?

He turned abruptly away swallowing hard and fixing his gaze resolutely on the shimmering lake.

Sam could feel the first stirrings of panic. Icy tendrils of fear rising and tearing at her insides sending shivers chasing down her back. She glanced at the clock on the table between the beds.

Eight o;clock, time was short, Susan would be wondering where she had gone. For a brief moment she considered leaving, not speaking to him. There would be time enough later on to answer the questions that he no doubt harboured after last night�s binge. The rehearsal breakfast was the perfect excuse�

She shifted her gaze back to the balcony. Jack was a statue, silent and still, his eyes barely blinking against the wind that ruffled his hair. She could see moisture on his cheeks.

Wind tears?

Of course, what else would they be?

Sam reached for the phone with numb fingers still unsure of what she would say as she dialled Susan�s suite.

�Hello?� Her friend�s voice, high and cheerful.

�Susan.�

�Sam? What�aren�t you in bed?�

�No.� A long pause followed her curt reply. Sam played with the phone chord listening to Susan�s deep sigh. She could envision the large green eyes blinking as Susan stared sightlessly around the empty suite, her attention focus internally, processing Sam�s response.

�I see,� she said finally.

�Susan��

�It�s okay�oh Gods, Sam��

�I had to��

�I�m the last one to judge you, don�t explain to me, explain to him.�

Sam glanced out the window. Jack had not moved from his place by the railing. The wind had stiffened, fanning his cheeks into bright scarlet and tousling his short silver hair. Her heart skipped a beat and the excuses fled like so much smoke.

�Sam, are you there?�

�Yeah, I�m here.� She replied softly unable to tear her gaze from the man on the balcony.

�Breakfast is at nine thirty, Sam. But if you can�t make it I understand��

�Breakfast? Oh yeah�I don�t know.� She trailed off.

�Explain Sam.� The line hummed in her ear.

Sam dropped the phone into its cradle with a deep resigned sigh. For good or ill there could be no turning back.

Jack did not turn as she slid the door open and leaned on the jam. �So?� she murmured softly. Up close she could see the ravages of last night�s ill-conceived bender. His lips were thin and pale and a deep furrow marred his normally smooth brow.

Jack �s voice was a hoarse whisper and he did not turn from his examination of the lake when he spoke to her. �What are you doing here, Carter?�

Okay I can do this.

�I came to talk to you.�

�When?�

She closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. �When you called me.�

�Called you?� Jack turned and regarded her beneath slightly raised eyebrows. �I don�t remember,� he admitted somewhat sheepishly.

�I�m not surprised.� She tilted her chin back towards the room. �You had quite a night.�

�Is this a lecture, Carter?�

Sam straightened her shoulders ignoring the note of warning in his words. �No, just an observation.�

You aren�t going to drive me away, Jack.

He seemed to sense her resolution and turned back towards the lake. �So what are you doing here, I know I didn�t call you. I wasn�t in any shape to call anyone.�

The admission seemed to cost him. Sam flinched as his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. He blew on his hands rubbing them together against the cold though he made no move to come inside. Taking a deep breath she took the two short steps to the railing and leaned on it next to him. Her feet tingled instantly against the cold cement. The metal was numbingly cold, seeping through the tight knit of her sweater in seconds but she refused to budge. �You called out to me,� she asserted firmly.

The plethora of emotions that shadowed his dark eyes was extraordinary and painful to watch. Confusion, denial, disbelief, guilt and finally utter terror flashed like a slideshow before her. He dropped his eyes to the lake and then up into the blue sky refusing to meet her steadfast gaze. Sam shifted on her feet. She folded her hands tightly together fighting the urge to reach out and stroke his arm or touch his ruddy cheek. The muscles along his jaw rippled as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. Fighting the urge to speak out, to deny what she had said.

Fresh moisture collected at the corners of his eyes and flowed unchecked down his cheeks. Jack made no move to brush it away.

The wind!

Her mind screamed the words and unwillingly Sam drew back watching in horror as he flinched and turned away. �No.� she murmured quietly finally giving in and placing a tentative hand on his arm. �No, don�t turn away�please.�

�Why not? You did.� He replied bitterly before shrugging himself free of her touch.

�I�� The denial, the lie, trembled on the tip of her tongue.

Jack cut her off. �What the hell are you really doing here?� He turned to face her. Sucking in a deep halting breath he brushed a hand across his face and fixed her with an unwavering glare that cut her to the core. �Why, Sam? Why now?�

�I told you. I came when you called me,� she whispered. �Don�t try and deny it, I see it in your eyes.�

�Yeah, right.� He pushed off the railing and through the open door into the hotel room with one smooth motion.

�Jack.�

He froze halfway across the room. She walked inside sliding the doors closed with a muffled sigh before sinking into the chair next to the television. She could feel his eyes resting on the top of her bowed head. The silence between them stretching�

Say something!

She didn�t know if her subconscious was screaming to be heard or silently pleading, demanding with the statue that stood before her.

Jack sank slowly onto the bed she had slept on. He kept his gaze riveted on the floor when he finally spoke. �You�re right, I did. But�I didn�t mean to. I was dreaming�I must have said your name out loud.� He shook his head. �Really loud if you heard me down the hall��

�That�s not it, and you know it� she corrected, unwilling to let him hide.

�No?�

�Come on, why are you doing this?� Sam probed his face seeking to catch his eye. Fearful of what she might find but having come too far to stop.

�Carter, I�m trying to give you an out here. Take it,� he urged softly.

Sam shook her head. �Why are you making this so hard?�

�Hard?� In a breath his tone changed. Jack�s voice dripped acid as he brought his gaze up to lock with hers. Rage and fear twisted his lips into a cruel grimace. �You want hard? I�ll give you hard, Sam! I called out to you last night because I needed you here. I needed you then and need you now! You�ve no idea how hard this has been, do you?�

Sam felt her body press deeper into the unyielding cushions at her back. There was no escape from his pain. It filled the room bringing a warm flush that tingled her cheeks and sent tendrils of fire racing to the tips of her fingers.

�I came�� It was ludicrous and she regretted the words the moment they passed her lips.

Jack laughed hollowly. A low moan escaped his lips as he scrubbed his hands across his face. �Yeah, you did�but not then. Not the night I came through the Gate with Shaylin.�

�I couldn�t,� she fought the urge to snap at him. A part of her railing against the idea that he was the only victim in their long war of denial. �I couldn�t go down there�because I knew what would happen�.�

�Really, what?�

�They would know��

�Who, Hammond? Janet? Jonas?� He shook his head, his voice incredulous. �Jesus, Sam would it really have mattered?�

Yes, it would have�.

Sam turned away blinking rapidly to quell the frustrated tears that burned her eyelids. She could feel the self-loathing slowly flipping and twisting her insides into a nauseous knot.

How could I put my career ahead of us, of you?

�Well, it's nice to know where I stand,� he whispered bitterly.

�That�s not fair, you�re not the only one who�s hurting here.� The words tumbled out before she could bite them back.

He laughed a second time, a short harsh bark that grated across her nerves. �No I guess not, but what does it matter huh? Nothing has changed has it, Sam. Your career and I suppose to a lesser extent mine, kept you from coming down to the Gateroom that day��

�I don�t know anymore!� she interrupted a part of her enjoying his startled look when she pushed to her feet. �It was more than that��

He waited in silence. Dark brown eyes studied her face and travelled discreetly down the length of one arm before dropping to study his clasped hands. Long fingers flexed as he absently caressed the scars that crisscrossed the tanned skin.

�I was�afraid. Scared that you would blame me for what happened. For not protecting you from Baal the way you�ve protected me, all of us, for six years.� Sam closed her eyes for a long moment, blocking out the sad little frown that touched his lips and his eyes. She couldn�t face him as she continued. �I was angry too. Because of what happened with Daniel. Because he went away and you didn�t seem to care and because you shut us�me�out so completely.�

�It wasn�t your fault, Sam.�

Her eyes opened wide and she stared at him in disbelief.

How can you absolve me��Yes, it was! I asked you to be a host to Kanan��

�Without him I would have died��

�And because of him you died ten, twenty, a hundred times over!�

�Don�t remind me,� he quipped miserably.

Sam swallowed the urge to giggle at his flat joke. He was looking at her again his expression wistful and distant when he finally spoke. �It hurt so much when Daniel died. That�s why I couldn�t talk to you that day in the corridor. He was my best friend and I watched him slip away, turned into a goddamn puddle of light and rainbows before my eyes�.� He blinked his voice faint and disbelieving. �How could you think I didn�t care�?�

�Because you hadn�t�for so long�I didn�t know what to think, how to feel�.�

�Neither did I.� Jack seemed to return to the present with a sudden rush. His eyes refocused drawing her gaze until Sam was sure she would be lost in their soft depths. �Since the Entity,� he said simply.

The declaration jarred her. �Since�the Entity�I don�t understand.�

His eyebrows rose slightly in surprise. �You were angry. You had every right to be�I just couldn�t talk about what I had done�I killed you, Sam. It was hard enough admitting and accepting that in my own mind�I�m sorry I couldn�t tell you. You could have moved on a long time ago�With Orlin, with Joe Faxon, with anyone�.�

�Move on?� Sam slid from the chair and onto her knees. Jack had dropped his gaze to his clasped hands again. Tentatively she reached out and stroked his fingers. They were ice cold to the touch. She slid her hands over his and held them lightly stroking the knuckles with one thumb. �I don�t want to move on, I never did�but I thought you had�� She trailed her fingers, feather light, up his arms until they rested lightly on his hunched shoulders. Jack shivered beneath her touch, his eyes flicking briefly to her face, registering surprise and fear in their haunted depths.

How can I tell you�.

�It was guilt that kept me away from the infirmary. Guilt over what I had done and not done to help you�� she whispered.

�I needed you there.�

Jack�s voice was a desperate whisper, muffled by his coat collar. Sam released his shoulder with one hand and tipped his chin up. He resisted at first then relented with a sigh that caught in his throat. He was fighting to hang on to his shredded self-control. For a moment she wished she had taken his offer. Walked away�

No I won�t do this to him, or us�

With an inward shake of her head Sam shoved her doubts aside and placed a hand on his cheek. She could feel the spasmodic workings of his jaw beneath her light touch. Teeth clenching and unclenching as he stared unblinking. Shadows chased across his stony features, ghosts of emotions that were tearing him apart despite his best efforts.

�I know you did and I�m sorry,� she whispered.

Her words released a dam that had refused for so long to break. Jack leaned into her arms burying his face in her neck. At first there was only the trembling, halting spasms that seem to come from his very soul. Shaking them both to the core. As the tremors subsided he clung more tightly to her. Low choking sobs escaped his lips, each breath deep and ragged as he continued to fight the raw power of his grief and fear.

Oh my God�

Sam felt the sting of shared pain as tears burned against her eyelids. She forced them back unwilling to let go until Jack had finally allowed himself to grieve. Beyond the fear and sadness she felt a sense of awe at their unexpected role reversal. The man who had handled any situation thrown their way with honour, dignity, courage and bottomless strength was now as scared and vulnerable as a child. She stroked his back releasing a muted sigh of relief as his tears finally flowed. They bathed her neck chased by heart wrenching moans that seem to tear from his throat, fighting for life in the quiet room. Sam rocked him cradling his head close against her warm skin and saying nothing to interrupt his cathartic release. The sound of her voice would be the trigger that lowered the walls back into place. A reminder that he was not alone, that her presence was reality and not the dream that he had cried out to the night before.

Eventually Jack shifted in her embrace and Sam released him with reluctance, She watched him furtively through lowered lids, wanting to give him space to compose himself but unable to tear her eyes away from the sight of him. He dragged an arm across his moist eyes, looking childlike and vulnerable with this simple gesture. Sam suppressed the urge to touch him again with effort. His face had closed in on itself, his expression shadowed by the vestiges of his emotional release.

Oh my god�

What happened here?

How can we go back after�this?

Do I even want to?

Jack rose silently to his feet. Anxious eyes flitted across her face, brushing her cheeks and locking briefly with her soft blue gaze before dropping to the floor. He opened his mouth as if to speak and Sam felt herself shifting unconsciously forward�waiting. Whether he saw her move or merely sensed the shift in her posture she couldn�t be sure. A shadow passed across his pale features and he turned abruptly away, his jaw clicking shut with an audible snap before he disappeared into the bathroom.

Her head was pounding as Sam returned to her seat. An awkward silence had descended in the wake of his departure, only barely touched by the splash of water in the other room. Sam sucked on her lower lip and slowly massaged her temples. Vaguely wondering if the emotional catharsis or too much wine were responsible for the headache that lurked just behind her eyes.

Should I leave?

The question teased at the back of her mind pushing her heart into her throat. Sam swallowed hard forcing her eyes to open as she waited patiently for Jack to come back.

The water stopped but he did not return.

Sam felt her stomach do a slow anxious roll. She hugged her arms tightly to her chest and got up to pace the length of the room, stopping just before the bathroom doorway. She could see Jack�s reflection in the mirror. His features were clouded with steam, unnaturally soft in the bright light. He was looking down into the empty sink, a deep frown furrowing his brow. She saw him flinch at the sound of her footsteps but he refused to meet her gaze.

Why won�t you look at me?

Is he still angry, embarrassed?

Afraid?

A myriad of questions that had no easy answers spun through Sam�s head. Jack�s silence was an oppressive weight that augmented the pounding in her skull and tore the breath from her lungs.

I can�t stay!

Her hand was on the door before Sam was even conscious that she had moved. She flung it open and dashed from the room, barely registering his soft plea as it chased her down the hallway.

�Sam?�

******

The church was in a residential neighbourhood. Heavy oak doors with set in stained glass crosses opened on to a slate portico. Marble benches hugged the walls on either side of the entry. Large fieldstones formed the fa�ade accented by a copper roof gone green with age. Wide stone steps with wrought iron railings lead to a circular drive banked by fresh clean snow from the afternoon�s flurries.

Jack stepped from the taxi and smoothed the collar of his dress blues. His coat was slung casually over one arm in deference to the warm sunlight that had appeared. He adjusted his sunglasses against the glare and scanned the faces of the gathering crowd.

Guests dressed in formal attire conversed in small knots on the steps. Their excited voices reached him above the rumble of passing cars and the sigh of the ever present breeze. Jack raised a hand waving at the scattering of familiar faces while he continued to look for the one person he most needed to talk to.

She isn�t here.

He shook his head and stuffed his free hand deep into his pocket as he crossed the drive.

It was probable that Sam would arrive in the limo with Susan but Jack couldn�t shake the gnawing fear that she was avoiding him and would continue to do so for as long as she could. Snatches of their conversation in the hotel room drifted through his mind as he entered the church and found his way to an empty pew on the Bride�s side. Memories of emotions that had gone unchecked in the early morning encounter filled him with fresh anxiety.

Sam, what must you think of me?

How could I let myself lose control like that?

How can we go back to Cheyenne Mountain after what happened?

He had tried to call her several times during the long hours following her headlong flight down the hall. In turns wracked by guilt for all the pain he had dumped on her and relieved that at least part of how he felt was finally out in the open. Whether his confession was in fact good for his soul was yet to be determined. He had stood by the phone his fingers twitching above the receiver. Finally necessity had won out over nerves and he had dialled the suite. There had been no answer.

The paranoid part of Jack�s brain insisted that she was avoiding him. He could hardly blame her after the disaster she had walked in on. The room still smelled faintly of booze and vomit despite his efforts to clear the air. He knew how wretched he looked. The reflection he had seen in the mirror the night before could only be partly blamed on the alcohol induced fog he was in at the time.

What he had said and not said tore at him as he sat staring at the crucified Christ suspended on the wall above the altar. He had been selfish and angry, inconsiderate of the grief she still carried.

Sam, are you okay, really?

The question whispered in his mind and Jack swallowed hard licking his suddenly dry lips.

After all this time is there still a chance for us?

So many things that should have come out and hadn�t�

I love you.

The last thought twisted his insides into painful knots and sent icy tremors up his back. How many years had it been since anyone had said those three words to him. How long since he had uttered them?

Guests began to fill in the seats surrounding him. Jack stood up allowing people to file past him until the pew was full to the wall. He felt an irrational need to sit on the aisle, to keep a route of�escape. He winced inwardly at the thought. Suddenly the impending ceremony stretched into an eternity. He could feel the blood draining from his cheeks and he took a few deep breaths forcing himself to sit still and nod politely as people drifted into their places.

The deep tones of the church bell sounded just as the last straggling guests appeared. They rushed to their seats as organ music filled the room. Jack lowered his eyes to his hands ignoring the craning necks of the crowd. He fiddled with the rim of his cap, startling slightly at the sound of a side door being opened. A murmur of anticipation followed by the clicks of cameras and soft laughter passed through the crowd.

Unwillingly Jack looked up and turned slightly in his seat. A soft smile touched his lips as the little blond flower girl walked down the aisle. She tossed burgundy rose petal from a lace trimmed basket. Bright blue eyes peeked shyly from beneath long lashes as she passed him. �Nice job, sweetheart,� he whispered encouragingly. She flashed a brilliant smile over her shoulder and skipped a step forward.

Jack turned his attention towards the back of the church and his breath caught in his throat.

Sam was standing at the end of the aisle. Dressed in a dark green gown trimmed with silver satin ribbon at the V of the neck and along the floor length hem. Baby�s breath had been pinned into her hair, accented with a small green velvet bow. Her eyes were large and luminous, tinged with the colour of her gown they appeared a deep teal beneath her fine lashes. She was smiling nervously at the large crowd her gaze fixated on the altar over his left shoulder. As the tune of the organ changed to the wedding march she took her first steps down the aisle.

He could hardly breath. The velvet seemed to caress her slim form, clinging just enough to reveal the lift of her breasts and the fullness of her hips. She was cradling a bouquet of burgundy and cream carnations, their silver and green ribbons curled around her pale wrists. Her eyes stayed focused on the altar as she walked in time to the march.

Oh my God�.

As she neared the spicy aroma of her perfume reached him. On the rare social occasions they had attended together she had never worn the exotic scent. It filled the space between them leaving him light headed with its promise.

Her stride faltered as she drew abreast of him. Jack sucked in a shaky breath and tried to catch her gaze. The smile she carried didn�t quite touch her eyes. Instead there was sadness and a longing hovering behind the fa�ade of happiness. Words unspoken pulled at the corners of her mouth. She nodded slightly, and continued down the aisle.

Jack tried not to dwell on what the look or the nod meant. Time would have to bring the answers. He rose dutifully to his feet as Susan appeared at the back of the church. She was lovely in a cream coloured gown with gold appliqu� and bead work on the fitted bodice and trailing in shimmering ribbons down the full skirt. He smiled and clapped with the assembled group, genuinely impressed despite the pounding in his heart.

As the assembly reseated themselves he felt his mind wandering. Unable to stay focused on the simple, eloquent vows that Graham and Susan had written. He could see Sam standing to one side of the trembling bride. Occasionally she would reach out a pale arm and place it on Susan�s elbow. A reassuring touch, that filled Jack with envy and embarrassment.

Seven hours earlier he had been on the receiving end of that tender caress. He shivered remembering her hands gently stroking his back as he cried like a child. Her breath had been warm on the nape of his neck as she rocked him. Through the storm of his grief Sam had been a calming force. Anchoring his fragile psyche as he fought the release of his pent up fears and grief. Only one other time had he come so close to falling over the edge of sanity and into a darkness that would have no end�

The realization of who had driven him so close to the brink spread like cold fire through Jack. He shifted in his seat desperately focusing his eyes on the bridal party as the priest asked for the rings. Memories that would not be denied pushed to the forefront, blocking out Susan�s high nervous giggle and the answering murmur of the crowd. The blood pounded in his ears and filled his vision with bright pinpoints of light. He ran a hand across his face and felt the cool fingers of the woman next to him resting on his trembling arm.

�Are you okay?� She whispered.

�No,� he breathed. As quietly as he could Jack slipped from his seat and headed for the back of the church with long unsteady strides. He burst through the heavy wooden doors and stumbled to the stone bench set close to the building. He sucked in the frosty air in great gasps, nearly choking as it burned his throat and lungs.

BAAL!

The name flashed neon with the pounding of his pulse. The Goa�uld system Lord had brought him to tears. A trembling pleading pile of arms and legs curled into a foetal ball on the floor of the chamber. Begging for mercy as torches were held to his skin, burning innumerable blackened circles the length and breadth of his naked body. Baal had bathed him in salt after the torches were removed. Rolling him endlessly in the white crystals while he questioned Jack for the umpteenth time about his reasons for coming to the fortress.

He could handle the physical pain. Years before he had learned to bottle up those sensations and put them in a protected corner of his brain. In a place he did not dwell upon but simply acknowledged as unchangeable. But the utter futility of the torture sessions finally shattered him. Dissipating the last vestiges of self-control like so much smoke before the wind. He had no answers and Baal had watched in stony irritated silence while screams of agony tore from his throat until he finally broke down. He had been betrayed by Kanan, used in a way no human being could ever conceive of. Now he was alone, without hope of rescue and abandoned by the soul of his best friend. The hot salty moisture of his own tears only added to his misery as he lay trembling uncontrollably on the floor but he had been powerless to stop them.

Jack brushed a shaking hand across his face.

It�s over, a part of the past...

The thought gave him little comfort.

The bell began to ring and he rose stiffly to his feet, wincing at the dull ache in his bruised knee. The wind had picked up with the setting of the sun. He rubbed his hands together and thought of his coat draped over the back of the church pew. The doors opened cutting him off from the warm interior as bride and groom exited amid a swirl of well-wishers. Immersed in conversation neither noticed him standing silently off to one side. As the tide of people ebbed Jack took the opportunity to slip back into the church.

Sam was standing by his former seat.

He stopped halfway down the aisle, startled and at a loss. There was no place to hide in the empty church however, and eventually Jack released the breath that had caught in his throat and closed the distance between them.

�Are you okay?� she murmured. Her hand was resting on his jacket, idly fingering the collar.

�Yeah, sure. Nice service huh?� She frowned at his attempted diversion. Jack swallowed. �You saw,� he indicated the door with his chin and she nodded.

�I saw,� she licked her lips and glanced up at him. �Flashback?�

�Yeah.�

Jack pushed his hands deep into his pockets and dropped his eyes to the beige carpeting. He didn�t want to think about the Goa�uld and the horrors of the chamber and the cell.

It�s just the two of us here, now�

Looking at her in that soft green dress, the low light drawing golden highlights from her hair. He could feel his heart beginning to quicken, his body responding to the urges made all the more immediate by the warmth of her presence and the smell of her perfume. �About this morning�� he ventured softly.

�It�s okay,�

Her answer came too quickly. Jack�s head snapped up. His eyes searched her face and his heart skipped at the look in her eyes. Guilt and grief warred for dominance. He saw her chin quiver slightly before she drew a deep breath and forced a pale smile onto her lips.

�I think I understand,� she murmured.

�I don�t see how when I don�t even understand.� Jack could feel his fingers balled so tightly the joints had begun to ache.

Tell her!

His subconscious was screaming as he forced his hands to relax and slide from his pockets. �I�m sorry to have put you through that.� He laid a hand on her arm.

She gasped almost inaudibly but did not pull away.

They stood for a long moment, paralysed. Jack found himself wishing that time would truly and irrecoverably freeze. Trapping them in a bubble filled with the heady scent of her and the warmth of dawning understanding. Sam�s arm slid through his fingers breaking the spell as it dropped to her side.

�You needed to let it out.�

Jack nodded too stunned by her simple acceptance to say anything.

�I�m glad I could be there for you.� She moved past him.

Say something!

He fumbled for words as she took another step. �Are you?� he managed finally.

The question stopped her cold. Her back stiffened as she turned back towards him. �Yes,� she answered carefully.

He could see the walls building up in her dark eyes and he took a step towards her, desperate to break through. �I couldn�t have done that with anyone else, you know that?�

�Dr. MacKenzie�� she trailed off and smiled in obvious chagrin. �No I guess not��

�I don�t think watching his patients dissolve into a puddle of quivering goo is high on the good Doctor�s list,� Jack quipped.

Her smile broadened at his uncomfortable joke. �No��

�I�ve missed you.� The admission was shocking even to him.

�I�ve been right here.� Her voice had thickened and he saw the glistening in her large blue eyes.

�I know�I just didn�t know what to say��

Oh God, how do I tell you how much it hurt to push you away�

�I didn�t want to stay close�It hurt too much knowing what I had done to you��

�So you pushed me out of your life�your heart?� Her voice died away. The blue eyes had grown even larger as the words tumbled from her mouth.

�No,� he denied as he closed the distance between them and laid a hand on her shoulder. �I never did that.� He dropped his eyes feeling a touch embarrassed by his own candour but unwilling to stop. �I tried, wanted to��

�Why?�

�To protect you.�

�From what?� her voice had risen slightly, bewildered. Soft fingers reached out and touched his chin. �From what?� she repeated urgently.

Jack allowed her to tip his chin up until they were eye to eye. �From this,� he replied.

�But you couldn�t know what would happen back then.�

�No. I couldn�t know that we would lose Daniel, or that some psychotic bastard would kill me six ways to Sunday�But I always knew there would come a time when you would have to let go�� He stumbled into silence.

She was gazing back at him, her mouth open slightly moving in fishlike spasms as she struggled to respond.

Jack chuckled softly despite the gravity of the conversation. �Say something,� he urged with a wan smile.

His words were on the table�her choice.

Just like two years ago.

Jack could hardly breathe. This extraordinary woman, who infuriated, irritated, fascinated and ultimately captivated him, held his heart in her hands for the second time.

�You wanted to make it easier on me?� Her tone was incredulous.

�I�suppose.�

�Did it ever occur to you, even once, that I didn�t want you to give me a way out? That knowing how you felt made things like Daniel�s ascension and Susan�s accident bearable for me?� She turned away slapping her thigh with exasperation before spinning back to him. �Even when I thought you had given up on any possibility of an us I still held onto that feeling��

�I didn�t know.� It was his turn to be surprised. �Like I tried to say this morning�I wasn�t sure how you felt any more�you weren�t there.�

She shook her head. �God I know and a part of me will never forgive myself for that�but I didn�t stay away because I didn�t care. I stayed away because I did�and I do.� She stepped forward her eyes wide and pleading as she touched his shoulder. �I want to help you through this because��

The church door opened with a loud creak followed by the jovial sounds of the crowd beyond. Susan rushed down the aisle towards them dragging a dazed and happy Graham Simmons in her wake. �Sam, we need you for the pictures!�

Jack plastered a smile on his face as the happy couple drew near. Sam was gaping nonplussed as he switched gears from their heavy conversation.

A master of disguise�

�Congratulations Lieutenant, Captain.� He caught the younger man in a quick manly embrace and planted a soft kiss on Susan�s flushed cheek. �Very happy for you both.�

�Thank you, sir. So glad you could come.�

�So am I�� He looked at Sam over the bride�s head. A soft smile curved her lips and there were tears standing in her eyes as she turned and embraced Graham.

So am I

*****

The reception was held on the top floor of the hotel. A large room lit with antique globes suspended from the ceiling. Their soft glow augmented by floating candles on the tables. Garlands of fresh cut greenery intertwined with silver ribbons, filled the air with the scent of pine. The skylights added to the open feel. Starlight spilled through them and bathed the attendees in its muted glimmer. Giving the illusion of being outside without the chill of the wind.

Jack wandered across the crowded room aiming for the punchbowl while he kept an eye on the head table. Sam had been seated there for two hours while the meal was served and the requisite toasts were given. Including one by himself, which sent the bashful Lieutenant Simmons ducking for cover behind his outspoken bride. The dancing would begin shortly and if he couldn�t catch Sam�s eye he was considering excusing himself and having an early night.

The day had been too long already. Begun by Sam�s surprise appearance in his room and proceeding on a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs ever since. Jack nodded politely to a young woman he recognized as a Lieutenant from the SGC. He could feel her eyes on him as he stepped away from the punch table with his half full glass.

Is it that obvious?

He felt like he wore a sign declaring his mental instability in bold letters for the world to see. It was paranoia pure and simply. Sam�s unfinished sentence in the church hung like a weight around his neck. Making every glance, every whisper somehow connected to his emotional state.

Ridiculous!

He sipped his drink, savouring the warmth of the vodka just beneath the light fruity taste of the punch. Guests brushed past him, excusing themselves in the close quarters. He maintained the tight polite smile, nodding and murmuring hello when the need arose.

What did you mean, Sam?

Jack drained his glass banishing the unspoken question to the back of his mind.

The band was setting up in the far corner of the room. �Check one two three.� The lead singer�s voice boomed across the room eliciting a murmur of anticipation from the milling crowd.

When he looked up Sam had left the head table. He watched her progress through the crowd smiling and nodding as she worked her way over to the band and murmured in the lead singer�s ear. As if sensing his eyes she turned and locked gazes with him.

Jack nodded slightly and drifted back towards his table, knowing that she would join him. The thought filled him with relief and fresh anxiety. Warring emotions that tied his stomach in knots and made him regret the glass of punch. The band began to play a slow soft rock ballad. Susan and Graham floated onto the cleared space to the sounds of applause and whistles.

He settled into his seat letting his gaze rest on the happy couple while he contemplated what, if anything, he could say to Sam given their current surroundings. Only a smattering of SGC personnel had been invited to the wedding and most of them had not attended the reception. The young woman at the punch table being one of the few exceptions, he noted with a frown. He forced himself to relax while he fiddled with the ribbons wound around the candleholder.

The ball was in Sam�s court. In many ways the situation between them had regressed two full years. The murmur of the crowd died away as Jack�s mind flashed back to the observation room. The Zaytarc detector and Anise�s probing questions had forced him to examine feelings that he had denied for months. The admission had fallen from his lips against his will. His heart laid bare and then bottled up and thrust aside by Sam�s assertion that they could keep it in the room. The look in her eyes that said so much more than her words.

Maybe there had never been a choice�

The scent of Sam�s perfume drew him back to the present. He looked up from his musings to find her standing quietly by the table. She was watching him with a slightly bemused expression curving her lips, the candlelight sparkling in her dark eyes.

Jack cleared his throat. She had managed to surprise him despite his earlier silent invitation. �Carter?�

�Hi,�

�Hi.� It was silly and unnatural and he couldn�t help but smile as she shifted on her feet.

Her gaze drifted to the dance floor and she tilted her head. �The wedding party is expected to dance the next number. Susan suggested I ask you.�

�Oh.� His heart plummeted to his toes but he smiled gamely and rose to his feet. �It�s her day.�

They stood for a moment watching the newlyweds glide across the floor.

�He�s a good dancer,� she remarked

�Yeah.� Jack forced his hands into his pockets. He would have to touch her to dance and the prospect was daunting.

How can I hold you, Sam, knowing how you feel? Or worse yet, not knowing!

A frown flitted across her pale features. Sam ducked her head, suddenly engrossed in her fingernail polish.

Are you thinking the same thing?

Questions that had no answers in her silence, he acknowledged with a weary sigh. Trying to ignore Sam�s attempts to hide from him was more taxing than he had anticipated.

I should have gone to bed�

The questions would still be there, teasing his subconscious in between the nightmares. Jack swallowed hard and surreptitiously watched her as she adjusted her gown and gazed sightlessly towards the dance floor. He had tried to hide and so had she. Somehow the time for resolutions had come down to this one day. A convergence of parallel paths set in motion by two years of dancing around their emotions while dealing with forces no human being had ever been confronted with.

The song ended and the announcer cleared his throat. �Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Graham Simmons!� Applause rippled through the room. Jack took a step closer to Sam as the man continued. �Would the bridal party and their escorts please step out on the dance floor at this time.� A pause filled with the murmur of conversation and the shifting of chairs. He placed a tentative hand on Sam�s elbow and gently guided her through the maze of tables until they were out on the floor.

The little blond flower girl smiled up at him firmly ensconced in the arms of an older gentleman whom Jack recognized as Susan�s father. While the bride had chosen to have only Sam stand up with her, the groom had several attendants, all of them in military dress blues. The couples crowded the floor, as the band struck up another ballad, heavy on the piano and horns. Jack pulled Sam close to him, conscious of the requisite inches between them but too giddy to care.

Escorts!

The term brought a soft smile to his lips. Questions, concerns, anxieties, fell away in the face of the soft melody. She was warm and supple in his arms swaying to the strains of the music. Her eyes drifted across his face and Jack�s heart skipped a beat when they locked with his before sliding away to rest on his chest. They moved as one gliding among the other dancers. The flicker of the candles and the muted glow of the turned down lights lulled him, until the crowd itself fell away and there was only her hand on his shoulder and the exotic scent of her perfume.

Jack pulled her closer. She resisted at first and a faint flash of panic shot through him.

Is this what you want? Is this what I want�

Sam relented and he swallowed a sigh of relief. She felt so right leaning her head lightly on his shoulder.

Sam�

His pulse pounded in his ears. Surely she could hear his heart racing double time as she responded to his gentle urging. Closing the distance between them until her body was pressed close to his. They moved together, truly one with the melody that wove itself around them. Jack tipped his head slightly, resting his cheek against her hair.

This can�t be real.

His breath caught in his throat and he felt Sam shift against him. The crowd and the softly lit room came back in a rush, breaking the spell. She looked up with wide questioning eyes and he shook his head. The absurd notion that this was a fantasy dredged from his subconscious mind by Baal had flashed through his thoughts. Mind numbing in its intensity but mercifully brief. Jack pulled her closer. He could almost hear the unspoken query.

Are you okay?

God yes.

The song ended moments later. Jack reluctantly pulled away and held her at arms length as the dancers dispersed. He wanted to tell her how good it felt to hold her, feel the warmth of her body so close to his, smell the scent of her hair and feel the flutter of her breath on his skin. Words tumbled through his mind, each phrase sounding more ridiculous and inappropriate than the one preceding it. He opted for silence. Taking Sam�s elbow in hand he guided her back towards his table. The other guests had moved off leaving them alone in the dimly lit corner.

�Have a seat�.�

�Thanks.� She slid into her place. �They seem very happy.�

�Yes they do,� Jack agreed. The bride and groom had returned to the floor to share a dance with their parents. He watched them without really seeing, his attention focused on Sam. She was uncomfortable, chewing nervously on her lower lip and avoiding even looking in his direction. The suspense was more than Jack could stand and he turned to face her. Forcing his fears to the back of his mind he opened his mouth to speak.

Sam cut off his unspoken thoughts with a pale smile and a murmured. �So��

�What did you mean earlier?� She blinked taken aback by his directness. Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. He was dreading her rejection, the return to their stalemate or worse the end of something that had never really begun

He felt like a kid in High School again. A wallflower who stood in the dark corner of the gymnasium and jeered at the jocks out of jealousy, too insecure to ask one of the pretty girls for a dance. Jack smiled wryly at the thought. Sam was more than �a pretty girl�. She was brilliant and funny and talented beyond words�

Her large blue eyes were gazing back at him filled with confusion and haunted by the ghosts of sadness and regret. Jack licked his dry lips and took one of her hands in his. Her fingers were feather light and cold in his grasp. �Sam�I�m not sure I can say this without sounding totally�out there.�

She smiled sympathetically and opened her mouth to interrupt.

He touched her lips with silencing fingers. �Tonight�just now when we were dancing�it felt like I was finally in the right place after months of wondering which end is up. For those few moments the world was in focus and everything that�s happened; the Entity, Daniel�Baal. All of it melted away�� He paused studying the play of emotions in her dark eyes, seeking the answers to his unspoken thoughts. She revealed nothing and he pushed on. �I was happy out there. I know it can�t always be like that�there�s no such thing as tea and roses for anyone�but I realized that I don�t want to give up the chance to have something more than now�I guess I was hoping you felt the same.� He dropped his eyes unable to watch her reaction as he added. �I was hoping that you still felt the same as you did two years ago�that I hadn�t driven you so far away that you can�t or won�t come back.�

Sam gently disengaged her hand and tipped his chin up. �I want to help you through this�� she swallowed audibly. �Because I�love you, I have for a very long time.�

Relief tinged with happiness brought the sting of tears to Jack�s eyes. He scrubbed a hand across his face and released a halting sigh. She smiled at his reaction and stroked his cheek.

�It won�t always be like this you know,� he pointed out in a hoarse whisper. Her hair was shimmering in a soft halo turning her eyes to deep sapphire pools.

�I know,� she replied, a note of sadness in her voice.

Jack flinched. �Someday, sooner than you think I�m sure,� he reassured her and himself.

�Someday��

He caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. Felt dampness against his skin and slowly shook his head. �For tonight, let�s just be Jack and Sam?� He gestured expansively towards the crowd. �No one here needs to know or care. For one night lets be real, no ranks and no regrets.�

�What happened before��

�Is in the past,� he asserted firmly. �Let�s live in the moment.� Taking her hand Jack pulled her towards the dance floor. The majority of the guests had drifted there already. They slipped onto the periphery of the swaying crowd. He placed his hand on the small of her back and gently guided her close against him. Her heart was beating rapidly in time with his. Her head rested lightly on his shoulder. Hesitant fingers caressed his back and travelled to his shoulders and around his neck. She clung to him and Jack kissed the top of her hair. He trailed kisses down her cheek and then titled her chin up to taste her lips. A gentle butterfly kiss that promised much more than words could say.

�I love you Sam Carter.�

She smiled.