TO HAVE
AND
TO HOLD

Author's note: The present tense in this story is sometime after the events of Abyss but before Prometheus. The past tense is set two months after Revelations and a month before Redemption.

PART ONE

The Present

Major Samantha Carter stepped out of the elevator and into the elegant second floor lobby of the Radisson Hotel. The room was large and airy with tall windows facing the lake to her left. Swags of pale cream curtains hung to the maroon carpeted floor tied back with heavy gold chord. Brass floor lamps and wall sconces reflected a warm light off the real wood panelling, driving back the midwinter gloom. Comfortable couches were strategically placed in a cozy huddle in front of a roaring fireplace to her right. She paused with a tired shake of her head and drank in the relative peace of the lobby compared to the frantic atmosphere of the airport. Leaving her suitcase on the floor near the wall, she draped the garment bag across it before walking over to the windows to take in the view.

The lake below was a frozen mirror. A smattering of snow skittered across the surface, chased by a chill north wind. Along the shore of the stilled waters she could see the docks with a myriad of boats large and small perched in their dry dock berths, huddled beneath colourful tarps. Sam shivered slightly and rubber her arms remembering the raw bite of the February air against her cheeks. As she watched a single shaft of pale winter sunlight pierced the cloud cover and set the lake ablaze with colour. Sam blinked against the sudden but welcome burst. The sunlight winked in and out behind the racing clouds, teasing rainbows from the icicles that clung to the trees that flanked the shore. Transforming them from stark grey brown skeletons to delicate works of art. She raised her hand to shield her eyes but she could not turn away from the oddly idyllic scene. The thick glass insulated her from the sounds of traffic as it trawled its way down the streets that flanked the hotel. The view was like a moving silent film.

Unfortunately, as suddenly as it had appeared the sunlight vanished behind yet another black cloud, heavy with snow. Sam sighed regretfully before turning towards the front desk.

Her ankle boots made soft hissing sounds as she padded across the carpet to the smiling clerk perched on a stool.

�May I help you?�

�Yes, I�m looking for Susan Johnson. She�s staying here. Getting married tomorrow.�

The clerk dipped her head as she regarded a computer screen mostly hidden beneath the lip of the counter. �Ah yes, Ms. Johnson is in room 301. Is she expecting you?�

�Yes.� Sam forced a smile �I�m her maid of honour.�

The clerk nodded. �I see. Can I have your name please? Standard security procedure, all visitors must be cleared by the guest they are visiting.�

�I understand.� She could appreciate the woman�s strict adherence to procedure but the flight from Colorado to New England had been long and suddenly all she wanted to do was sit down. �Major Samantha Carter,� she supplied stifling a yawn.

�Major?� the clerk queried with a raised eyebrow as she reached for the phone in front of her.

�Air Force.� Sam added as she flashed her ID.

The clerk glanced at the little plastic card and nodded again before punching in the room number with the tip of her pen. �Ms. Johnson please�Yes, this is the front desk calling, you have a Major Samantha Carter waiting here to see you, shall I send her up�yes very good�Thank you, good-bye.� The clerk slid from her stool and gestured with one manicured hand back towards the elevator. �Go to the third floor. Ms. Johnson�s suite will be the first door immediately to your right.�

�Thank you.�

Sam retrieved her luggage and grabbed the next car going up. Exiting the elevator she turned right and broke into a sincere grin when she spotted the petite brunette standing in the doorway.

�Sam!�

Dropping her luggage for a second time she embraced the quivering form of her oldest friend and sighed deeply.

�God I�m exhausted but so glad to see you.�

Susan pulled away still holding tightly to Sam�s shoulders. �I can�t believe you�re here.�

�It�s only been six months!� Sam responded with a soft laugh. �Besides where else would I be, we always said that we would stand up for each other. I can�t believe why I�m here!�

Susan giggled and shook her head, her green eyes shining brightly in the dim hallway. She gave Sam a squeeze and then retrieved the discarded garment bag. �Come in!�

Sam followed whistling softly at the spacious suite. �Nice digs.�

�Nice�in-laws� Susan ducked her head still smiling. �At least after tomorrow they will be in-laws!�

�You�re glowing. You could light up Colorado Springs with that smile.� Sam commented as she slumped heavily onto the couch.

�Do you want a drink?� Her friend called from the kitchenette. She was cradling a pair of glasses and rattling the ice cubes suggestively a knowing glint in her eye.

Sam rolled her head on her neck trying to work out the travel kinks. �JD would be great,� she answered after a moment.

Susan nodded and popped open a cupboard with a smirk. �You don�t change Sam. I came prepared!�

Actually it�s been a long time since I had Jack Daniels,

The name of the liquor gave her pause and she sucked in a steadying breath at the faces it conjured up. The bright blue eyes and sweet smile of her sensitive friend, now gone, came easily to mind and Sam winced against a pain still so fresh despite eight long months.

Daniel, you would have liked Susan, she�s so much like you were, full of enthusiasm, enamoured and consumed by the thrill of discovery.

Sam shook her head forcing the image away only to have it replaced with the warm earnest gaze of the man she called Colonel. A friend, who would be more if only she would, or could, let him in. If only he would let down his guard and open up to her�

How ironic that the drink that was my favourite all through my high school and Academy days should bring such painful memories, hopes, and dreams to the surface�

�Hey, you okay? You checked out for a moment there��

Sam took the proffered glass wincing inwardly at the worried frown on her friend�s face. �I�m sorry, I was just thinking about the name of this stuff.� She took a healthy swallow allowing the fiery liquor to chase away the fresh chills that crawled up her spine.

Susan�s smiled wanly. �I guess I never thought of that, but then I never got to know Doctor Jackson. I wish I had.� She sat down awkwardly on the couch and laid a hand on Sam�s arm. �You still miss him very much don�t you.�

�It�s been eight months ��

�So?�

�So�it�s a long time��

�Sam you always do that! It�s okay that you miss him, let yourself grieve for heaven�s sake!� Susan released her arm with a firm shake, clearly exasperated. �God knows you deserve it, considering what you do on a daily basis it�s a wonder that you haven�t lost more people.�

�I guess.�

Her friend swirled the liquor in her glass. �It�s okay to feel with me, you know that,� she reminded softly. At Sam�s stiff nod she continued. �I know how much you all depend on one another out there, he was your friend you owe him�you owe yourself�time to heal.�

�Seems like a lifetime ago.� Sam murmured softly. Leaning her head against the couch cushions she closed her eyes for a moment. Susan shifted beside her and she felt a warm protective arm gently enfold her.

�It�s okay really.�

Sam felt the sting of tears and she scrunched her eyes tightly closed forcing them back.

I�m tired that�s all�

The lies came too easily these days the tears were about so much more. In the months since rescuing Heindal she had struggled with the loss of Daniel and in some ways the loss of Jack as well. She wanted to reach out to him, lean on him they needed to heal together. But Jack had withdrawn behind his own emotional walls, cutting himself off from her and everyone else around him. Physically he had become almost too protective, often hovering barely a hairs breadth away. Sam felt crowded within her personal space, but she resisted the urge to speak to him about it. Hoping that her silence would encourage Jack to open up, that he would see that she was receptive. She missed the touches that had characterized their �relationship� in the past. She needed and wanted the contact, but there was something lacking that had been there before. A part of all of them had died the day Daniel Ascended and the uncertainness of where and what he was only added to their sense of loss.

Was that really when it started?

No, her inner self argued. Jack had grown increasingly distant in the months leading up to Daniel�s Ascension. The loss of their friend and later the trials of the sarcophagus had simply drained the light from his eyes and soul.

Maybe it�s finally over? Finished before it ever truly began?

Sam bit her lip.

What was it anyway? The hope of a relationship, the fantasy of a life, a dream without any basis in reality�Pathetic!

Susan�s arm around her shoulders was reassuring and Sam clung to the stability of her friend�s touch. As if sensing the direction her thoughts had taken Susan gently shook her until Sam opened her eyes. �So what about the colonel?� she prodded.

�What about him?� Sam repeated innocently, making a futile attempt to divert her friend from her next logical question.

Susan had never been deterred that easily, and today was no exception. �Talk to me, Sam.�

�There�s nothing to talk about�don�t we have a wedding to discuss?� Sam murmured feebly.

Her friend took another sip of JD and put down the glass with a solid thump on the coffee table in front of them. She tilted her head, her green eyes searching Sam�s face until she was satisfied that she had her undivided attention. �Remember I was out there. You were scared, we all were, but there was more�I know there was.�

Sam sighed heavily. �You�re getting carried away, Susan.� Her tone had taken on a slight tone of warning though she knew it was pointless. Since they were freshman in High School, Susan had never heeded anyone�s warning about anything, least of all hers. Considering her often-irreverent attitude towards authority and military protocol it was nothing short of a miracle that she had made it to Captain in the Air Force and they both knew it. Sam sucked on her lower lip. The similarities between her old friend and the man she had grown to admire and care for were startling to contemplate. The lunatic fringe�

�You�re getting overly dramatic,� she added at Susan�s expectant look.

�Oh, I don�t think so.� Susan slipped her arm from Sam�s shoulders and sat back on the couch. She picked up her glass and looked through the dark liquid towards the dingy winter sky beyond the window. �I know what I saw, and what I heard,� she affirmed softly.

What did you see in the darkness of the cave-in on P39-687?

Sam bit her tongue before the question could leap from her mouth.

What did he tell you that he hasn�t told me? Why a stranger and not someone he�s known for almost six year?

She felt a brief stab of jealousy and she swallowed hard not liking the horrid taste it left behind. She had no right to feel jealous or angry. Susan had been lucky, she had only lost a part of her leg to the Goa�uld trap. She had chosen to be reassigned to Area 51 instead of a well-deserved honourable discharge.

I should be grateful that she�s here at all! So how come I can�t see beyond the fact that Jack might have finally opened up to someone?

The answer was too obvious, too simple to be missed and Sam suppressed a shiver with effort.

I can�t believe how foolish I�ve been!

******

Colonel Jack O�Neill closed the file folder and tossed it onto the stack on the corner of his desk.

Jesus I�m glad that�s done with.

Scrubbing tiredly at his face with stiff fingers, he leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms towards the ceiling flexing his fingers and wincing as the joints cracked.

It�s hell to get old Jack.

General Hammond had granted SG-1 leave to go to the Simmons/Johnson wedding. Jack had chosen to stay on base until the last possible moment. He told himself it was because he had a mountain of reports to catch up on, which was the truth insofar as it went�

There were other factors though, more important than reams of paperwork, and far more disturbing to Jack�s normally ordered military mind.

He climbed wearily to his feet and paced the narrow confines of his office. Wishing, for not the first time, that he had taken the larger quarters offered him when he returned to active duty. Instead he had chosen the cramped office not far from the control room. The need to be close to the action had overridden the practical side of his brain much to his chagrin. The lack of space could be attributed, in part, to a deep-seated neurosis about computers. A hulking metal file cabinet, jammed to overflowing with personnel files, mission analysis and various reports took up the majority of the limited floor space.

Paper hound,

Jack released a deep, resigned sigh. It had been Daniel�s personal term for his obsession with paper as opposed to computer records. Ironic considering Daniel�s chosen profession. As he straightened the flat wall mounted display that housed his medals and citations Jack allowed himself a wan wry smile. It was his only personal testament to what he had done in action over many long years of both above and below the board military service. Daniel had often remarked on the stark nature of his office and had been both surprised and pleased to see the medals display. Aside from the medals there were a few framed certificates but nothing more. No pictures of friends or family not even a copy of the stern military team photo that Teal�c kept in his quarters.

The same photo that Daniel had hidden in a drawer because he hated his long hair and the old glasses.

Jack shook his head and chuckled softly to himself. He had never thought of Daniel as vain, so the reasons for hiding the picture had provided an endless source of ribbing for him. Daniel had taken it in the spirit it was intended, laughing with a self conscious smile as he nursed a single beer to Jack�s five over the course of many an afternoon.

I can�t believe how long its been since you were here to annoy the hell out of me with some long winded explanation of an ancient text or some high minded defence of an alien culture�Jesus, I miss you.

He slumped back into his chair and reached for the white envelop perched beneath the lamp.To Graham and Susan, Best Regards Col. Jack O�Neill. Was written in his somewhat stilted script across the front of it.

Your replacement Daniel, she was the best of the lot, how ironic that she was so much like you,

Jack pushed away from the desk and reached for the black leather jacket he had slung across the back of the chair. Don�t do this to yourself Jack, its over and done with, weddings are supposed to be fun! Of course this wedding had come too close to never happening at all. He shrugged into his jacket and tucked the card into an inside pocket. So very close�

The sharp rap on his office door caused Jack to pause with his hand halfway to the lamp switch. �Yeah, come in,� he responded quietly. Screwing a tight-lipped smile on his face he looked up to find Teal'c standing in the doorway.

�You are preparing to leave, O�Neill?�

�Yeah, I was going to stop by on my way out.� Jack switched off the reading lamp and swiped his truck keys from their customary spot at the edge of the desk blotter. �Listen Teal�c, I�m sorry General Hammond didn�t clear you to go to this. If it had been here in Colorado Springs I don�t think it would have been a problem��

�The general feels that to allow me to travel to �New England�,� The Jaffa seemed to roll the term around in his mouth before voicing it. �Would pose too great a risk of accidental exposure to the Tau'ri population.�

Jack nodded stiffly still not comfortable but in agreement with the general in principal. Given the recent events in Oregon Hammond had had little choice. �Yeah, something like that.�

�I concur with both his and your assessment of the situation. I will visit my son while you and Major Carter are on leave.�

Major Carter�The name conjured up an all too familiar ache in Jack�s heart. He swallowed hard and glanced around his desk for a final time before crossing to the door. Teal�c stepped back and allowed him to pass into the hallway. The Jaffa walked beside him in companionable silence as they travelled the busy corridors of the SGC.

�So when do you leave?� Jack murmured to the Jaffa as he responded to a subordinate�s salute with a nod of his head. Nothing like the wet behind the ears, stick to the regs attitude of fresh recruits, he noted absently while he waited for Teal�c to respond.

�I depart in one hour.� The Jaffa paused. �On Chulak when one is bonded to a new mate it is customary to exchange gifts to honour the new couple and wish them Fal Tor Kee�

�Huh?� Jack searched his mind for the term and came up empty.

�Luck,� Teal�c supplied, seeming un-phased by his lack of knowledge. �On earth you have a similar custom, correct?�

�Yeah, we do.� He patted his pocket. �I�ve got a card, gave them some cash. I know money was pretty tight when I got married�I�m sure they could use it.� Jack�s mind flashed briefly to the horrific scene of the pretty brunette�s mangled right leg. He shook his head to clear the vision. All's well that ends well, he reminded himself sternly. The clich� sounded hollow even to him.

�Are you unwell O�Neill?�

�Huh, no I�m fine��

If Teal�c sensed the lie he did not press the issue. As they rounded a bend in the corridor and approached General Hammond�s office the Jaffa produced a small box wrapped in cream-coloured paper and tied with a gold ribbon. �Would you present this gift to Captain Johnson and Lieutenant Simmons with my regards?�

�Nice wrapping job.�

�Thank you.�

Jack took the box and turned it over in his hands. It was feather light. �So�what is it?�

�It is a wire sculpture depicting the ancient Jaffa symbols for peace and long life.�

�Wow, I�m impressed Teal�c.� And he was. For all their time spent both in and out of the field Jack had never seen his friend engaged in any sort of hobby, unless one could call repeated viewings of Star Wars or the occasional visit to the �Jell-O Pit� as a hobby. �What kind of wire?�

�Copper.�

Jack�s eyebrows shot up in surprise. �Expensive,� he remarked. �Hope you packed it well. �

�Bubble wrap.�

He swallowed the urge to smile. Hearing the term from the Jaffa�s mouth was much funnier in his tired state than he could ever explain. �I�ll give it to them Teal�c, I�m sure it will be appreciated.�

�Thank you, safe journey O�Neill.� The Jaffa turned away as they reached the general�s door. Jack watched him go. He found himself wishing that the Asgard would snatch him away in a flash of light like they had 3 years before, or that the klaxons would sound off with yet another off-world emergency. Neither event happened and after a long moment he rapped softly on the door.

�Come!�

�Sir,� he entered the room and closed the metal door with a soft click. �I�m off I guess.�

General Hammond sat back in his seat. He had obviously been immersed in paperwork much as Jack had been for the majority of the morning. His round face was tinged with the bluish glow of his laptop screen. �You look like hell, Jack.� He remarked dryly as he gestured to the chair on the opposite side of the desk.

Jack sank into the seat, suddenly exhausted by the prospect of the lengthy plane trip and what, who awaited him at its end. �Thank you, Sir.�

�I mean it, when�s the last time you slept?�

�What day is it?�

The general shook his head. �How are the sessions going with Dr. MacKenzie?� he asked quietly.

Jack felt a cold shiver crawl up his back at the mention of the psychologist. �Okay,� he answered curtly.

�Do you feel you are making any progress?�

�Progress, sir�Oh I don�t know...� He got up and paced the confined space in front of the large office window, grateful that the general had drawn the blinds sometime that morning. �So far we�ve determined that I�m an emotional train wreck and that the dissolution of my marriage eight years ago has less to do with the military ping-pong of my life and the death of my only child and more to do with imagined childhood traumas. That I�m sexually frustrated and emotionally bankrupt and that I may come apart at the seams any minute�but on the bright side I�m still stable enough to lead SG-1 due to the fact that there is no one else with as many qualifications as myself.� He laughed hollowly. �Oh yeah, progress in leaps and bounds.�

When he turned back he discovered that Hammond was looking at him with a troubled expression on his round features. His blue eyes skimmed over Jack�s tense jaw and twitching right hand and he shook his head. Jack swallowed hard hating the way the elder man seemed to be passing silent judgment on his instability, of course he could hardly expect less. He felt as shaky and insecure as he appeared. There was no point in hiding it from his superior officer. Hammond deserved no less than honesty.

�I know you�ve been holding it together for a while now with only sheer force of will. I think you need to consider a more extended leave of absence,� Hammond advised, his tone carefully neutral.

Jesus, just what I need, more time to think!

Jack suppressed the urge to snap a retort with effort. The idea of even one more day of R&R filled him with dread. Being alone had become unbearable. The normally calming rhythms of the Minnesota woods were lost to him. The hum of insects had transformed itself into the numbing drone of the sarcophagus. He heard his own screams in the shrieks of hunting eagles and the death keen of rabbits. The sigh of the wind and the creak of the trees sent him into panic attacks that had only worsened as time progressed. Any sudden unexplained sound lent itself to crazy mixed up images of Baal�s various and imaginative torture sessions. Always underscored with the steady thump of Jaffa guards marching the hallways outside his cell. The cries of the other prisoners rose with the howl of the wind as it passed through the trees. Even the beauty of an early morning sunrise had become a reminder of the deceptively soft hues of his cell. His lakeside haven had become just another prison.

No being alone was the last thing he needed.

�No, Sir, I don�t think I need more R&R. I�ll be fine.�

�Your body says otherwise, Jack. You need to listen to yourself, slow down a bit and give yourself time to grieve.�

�Grieve, Sir?� Jack couldn�t help but be surprised at his superior�s choice of words.

�Yes.� The general sighed and folded his hands on the desk in front of him. �You�ve lost one member of your team and nearly another one. Not to mention the fact that you�ve put your own life at risk more times than I can count over the last year. The effects of Baal�s torture sessions are just one more insult to injury. It�s catching up to you.�

Where is this coming from? Have I been that transparent?

Jack nodded taken aback by the elder man�s frank assessment. It was disconcerting to realize that his efforts to stay focused on his job and ignore the growing emotional turmoil in his life had not been as successful as he would have liked. �It shows huh?� he muttered darkly.

The general nodded but made no attempt to comment.

He fidgeted under the man�s unwavering gaze. What am I afraid of? That maybe just maybe he�s figured out that I really am a basket case? That I would be more at home in a rubber room than leading my team on yet another suicide mission�

His own characterization of SG-1�s recent assignments brought Jack up short. He licked his lips and swallowed hard. A familiar but long forgotten feeling of numbness stole over him as realization dawned.

I�ve stopped caring.

He struggled unsuccessfully to suppress a shiver that seemed to emanate from his very soul to the tips of his slick fingers. It was a horrifying realization for anyone but worse for a military commander, a leader whose people depended on him to make the right decisions.

Jack rested his hand on the back of the chair and regarded the general through lowered lids. �You were fishing, weren�t you?� The question was rhetorical, he knew the answer even before Hammond nodded ever so slightly. �MacKenzie told you I was on the ragged edge,� again the nod. �You wanted to see if I would admit it?�

�Yes.�

The elder man�s voice was nearly a whisper but it resounded in Jack�s ears and he slumped heavily into the chair. Running a shaking hand through his hair he slowly shook his head. �I just don�t know anymore,� he admitted. Murmuring into his chest because the thought of facing his superior�s earnest almost pitying expression was too painful to contemplate.

�Jack��

Startled by the sound of his name and the gentle hand on his arm Jack looked up.

�I don�t want to lose you to everything that�s happened. You are too valuable an asset to this command, and too good of a friend.�

�Sir?� Realizing that his mouth was hanging open he closed it with a snap, too surprised and touched to say more.

�Get it together son, we need you here. All of us.� Hammond intoned firmly before releasing his arm.

�Yes, sir.�

The general dropped his eyes to the pile of papers on his desk and sighed heavily. �Never ends.�

�No, sir. I guess it doesn�t� Jack answered, not sure if he was responding to the words or the sentiment still hanging in the air between them.

�So you�re leaving now?�

�Yeah, on my way. Teal�c just gave me a gift for Johnson. He made it, some sort of copper wire sculpture.�

�Yes, he mentioned that. Wanted to clear the design with me.�

�Oh.�

When had Teal�c started chatting on a social basis with Hammond? Not social exactly, Jack corrected himself. The sculpture would no doubt be displayed and therefore needed to be cleared. In the past however, Teal�c would have come to me and asked me to speak to Hammond. When and how did that change?

The when came immediately to mind and Jack swallowed hard. Eight months ago when my best friend became a glowing ball of rainbows before my eyes�

The how of the situation was no less disturbing but not as easy to pinpoint. Was it the first or the tenth torture session? Were there more, how many?

Despite more hours of counselling than Jack cared to admit to he had yet to sort out exactly what had happened at Baal�s fortress and he was beginning to despair that he ever would. The one fact that he felt sure of was that Daniel, somehow some way, had been there. And when he had returned to the SGC, Sam had not been. Not initially anyway. Her absence in the Gateroom had been more than troubling; it had devastated him in a way that was new and terrifying�

�When does your plane leave? I don�t see any luggage with you.�

Jack sighed heavily, grateful for the interruption of his thoughts. �Uh no, I�m going home first, I�ve got about two hours I guess.�

�I see,� the general sat forward returning his attention to the computer on his desk with a weary shake of his head. �Have a good flight,� he added.

The moment between them faded like a shadow, vanishing so completely that Jack thought that he had imagined the odd exchange. As he rose to his feet Hammond looked up and he knew he wasn�t dreaming by the tender, concerned look on the older man�s pale face.

�Thank you, sir,� he murmured thickly and strode from the room clutching Teal�c�s gift and trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

*****

Six months earlier: Planet P39-687

�This is absolutely the most incredible thing I�ve ever seen!� Captain Johnson enthused with a broad grin.

Sam hid a smile when she caught the Colonel rolling his eyes.

�Don�t hold back, tell us how you really feel,� he mumbled.

�Sir?�

�Never mind.�

He directed the team to do a perimeter sweep before they moved away from the Gate and out into the open grasslands.

The sky was a brilliant blue, clear and open from the tips of the distant mountains to the glassy surface of a large body of water, barely glimpsed between rolling swells of virgin prairie.

It was the kind of place that put the colonel on edge. Sam found herself watching him as they strode through the tall grass. He was tense, his jaw working as he scanned the landscape. Occasionally he called a halt and the team would drop to the grass. Teal�c would stand watch while he searched the mountains with binoculars swinging his gaze in an ever-widening arc as they left the vicinity of the Gate. Looking for what, quite possibly, was not there, but too ill at ease to accept the innocent inviting landscape.

A peaceful, bucolic scene had been the impetus for many a deception in the past and Sam knew that he had become jaded to its affects. Time and trial had worn him down and it was rare to see him smile at the simple beauty of a sunrise or the majestic power of a roaring river. She missed that smile and the way it seemed to light his face from within. Gone were the teasing and the touches that said so much more than words. As they fanned out across the open grassland she realized that his withdrawal had been so gradual that when Daniel ascended it had actually felt sudden. Like the colonel was there, feeling and caring as always and then suddenly he had disappeared behind a wall of stoic silence that seemed to grow higher every day.

Sam struggled to dismiss the thoughts. The scenery and the gentle hush of the wind had lulled her, pulled her attention away from the situation at hand.

What would he say if he knew I were day dreaming�about him no less!

She shook her head and forced her attentions outward instead of inward.

Amid the acres of tall waving grass and hidden behind a hillock were the ruins of a temple entrance, its jumble of black and marbled stone at odds with the soft greenery that surrounded them. The structure had been built into the side of the hill and closer inspection proved that it slanted downwards even deeper into the ground. While Teal�c and the colonel stood watch Sam followed their new team member into the temple.

She could empathize with the woman�s enthusiasm she had felt much the same when Daniel had shown them all the pyramid chamber on Abydos. The fact that she had known Susan Johnson for close to 20 years only added to her renewed sense of awe. It was so easy to take for granted what they did every day. Seeing a new planet with a fresh pair of eyes left Sam feeling strangely giddy.

They had both understood the necessity of keeping their personal relationship separate from their professional one. Each was too good an officer not to and the colonel had warned them both that he could not have it any other way on SG-1.

The military part of her brain had accepted his warning without question but Sam couldn�t help feeling angry and hurt that he would suggest that she was incapable of dealing with Susan on a professional level. Perhaps I�m being too sensitive, she had tried to tell herself. But that argument fell flat when he made a snide comment about this being the Air Force and not an ongoing pyjama party. Sam had bit her tongue nearly in half. She recognized his sarcasm for what it was, a defence mechanism against the pain that was eating them both alive. But it was still difficult to accept and deal with. She wasn�t sure herself why Susan being part SG-1 was so important. But when a suggestion from General Hammond had become reality Sam had felt an enormous sense of relief. It was more than having another woman around she realized after a weekend of soul searching following the washout of yet another recruit.

Susan Johnson was the one person she had always trusted implicitly. Ever since they were teens. They lived through the pain of Sam�s mother�s death. Her disappointment when the Challenger disaster had crushed her dreams of being an astronaut and their mutual triumphs of entering the Air Force Academy and attaining the ranks of Captain almost simultaneously. A painful divorce for Susan and their scientific interest had pulled them in separate directions over the last decade. When they did see one another however, they would spend their time bonding over ice cream and exploring the rich history of their past and all the possibilities of the future. Quite often in their pyjamas, Sam admitted to herself with a self-conscious smile.

Daniel�s Ascension had left her with a plethora of unanswered questions about her own views of the world. About what truly is death and the importance of sharing her thoughts with those closest to her. Her relationship with the colonel had deteriorated to a point where she wondered if friendship let alone love could ever be salvaged. She was confused and angry and hurting. She needed stability and Sam found herself fighting hard for Susan�s shot at SG-1. Emotional arguments would be wasted on the colonel so she had taken the direct logical approach. Susan was a competent soldier and psychologically stable. She was a skilled anthropologist and linguist and therefore she fulfilled the niche Daniel had left. What Sam couldn�t tell the colonel was something she could barely admit to herself. She needed Susan there. His reaction to her arguments had been cold and unfeeling though eventually he had acquiesced�

�Major?�

�Huh?�

�Where were you just now?� Susan crossed her arms her green eyes intently searching Sam�s face.

�Nowhere,� she denied quickly.

Susan frowned and shook her head before turning her attention back to the wall. �Look at these, they�re incredible.�

�Your new favourite word,� Sam teased and was rewarded with a sour look.

�I�ve never seen anything like these before and there is no mention in Dr. Jackson�s notes either, at least not that I can remember.� Susan continued. She pointed her flashlight towards the ceiling and jumped at the bright pair of orange eyes that flashed back at her. �What the hell is that?�

�Got me,� Sam responded, struggling to sound blas� despite the fact that she was just as freaked out by the nasty looking winged rodent as her team mate. �I�ve never been here either.�

�Oh yeah, right.� Susan dropped her light until she found the beginning of the lines of Glyphs. �I�ll need some pictures of these, maybe there�s something in the computer back at the SGC�I haven�t had time to read everyone�s reports.� She smiled clearly excited at the prospect. �That could take a while, you guys have been a lot of places.�

�Carter.� The radio crackled in Sam�s pocket.

�Yes, sir.�

�Find anything?�

�Yes, sir. We�ve found a wall with a set of glyphs carved into it��

�What do they say?� was the rather bored response.

Sam grimaced and started to respond.

�May I?� Susan mouthed.

�Sir, I think Captain Johnson has some thoughts on that.�

�Johnson, report!� he snapped.

Susan licked her lips, her usually calm fa�ade slipping in the face of the colonel�s curt command. �Um, sir�to be honest I haven�t seen anything like these glyphs in any of the SGC reports I�ve had a chance to read thus far. I would like to take some pictures and go back to the SGC, try to find some matches in the computer��

�Yeah okay whatever�O�Neill out.�

Sam bit her lip. She felt as confused as Susan looked. The hiss of the radio died away into the emptiness of the temple ruin. �Respectfully Major, is he always like that?� she whispered, clearly at a loss.

�Lately,� Sam admitted. Her mind drifted back to happier times and she shook her head struggling to stay focused on the present.

�Delightful,� Susan murmured as she returned to her study of the glyphs. After a few minutes spent jotting notes into her palm pilot she followed Sam out into the bright sunlit prairie. Blinking to clear the glare from her eyes she approached the colonel who was resting with his back against the hillside and scanning the horizon with a pair of binoculars.

�Sir?�

�Huh�Oh Johnson, what is it?�

�I need some lights and a camera from the mobile unit��

�O�Neill!�

Teal�c�s shout of warning was like a cattle prod to the colonel. He jumped to his feet his P90 held at the ready and spun towards the pounding sound of the returning Jaffa�s footsteps.

The Jaffa rounded the hillside and dove to the ground. The flash and hiss of a staff blast blowing dirt and rocks into his wake.

�DOWN!� The colonel commanded and dropped to the earth as their apparent enemy came into view.

There was a large number of Jaffa wearing a mixture of helmets and clearly disorganized in their tactics. Muted orders were snapped by several warriors, some dropped to the ground pulling Zats and knives from arm holsters or leg brackets. Several stood their ground and raised staff weapons. Still others stood apparently at a loss when they discovered who was sharing the planet with them.

Sam huddled close to the hillside holding her weapon in the ready fire position and waiting for the Colonel�s order. Since the initial blast the Jaffa had not attacked, only fanned out. They were acting as if the situation were a standoff instead of the clear rout that it was.

�What are they waiting for?� The colonel hissed into his radio.

Sam shook her head and did not answer. She chanced a glance over her shoulder. Susan was plastered to the dirt her bright green eyes flashing with fire as she sighted down the length of her weapon. Clearly she had chosen a target. Sam couldn�t help but smile despite the gravity of their situation. Her old friend had used any fear she felt to her own advantage not allowing the alien nature of her circumstances to interfere with protecting herself and her team. The shakes will come later, Sam mused in sympathy.

Keeping one eye focused on the now milling Jaffa Sam watched the colonel and Teal�c silently communicating via mouthed words and gestures. At a slight nod from his CO Teal�c rose and laid his weapon on the ground in full view of their former attackers.

�Jaffa Kree! I am Teal�c of Chulak, this is Colonel O�Neill a great leader among the Tau'ri!� He paused and took a breath. �Here me, we are not your enemy, lay down your weapons.�

�What the hell�� Sam heard Susan�s baffled whisper and she nodded in understanding. It was confusing even for her, but she thought she knew what both Teal�c and the colonel had begun to suspect.

As if in answer to her internal speculation most of the Jaffa laid their weapons in the grass or dropped them to a relaxed non-threatening position. A series of heated words were exchanged and a pair of warriors rose to impede the progress of a tall Jaffa who had chosen to remove his helmet. The Jaffa barked a command and the warriors relented, with obvious reluctance, allowing him to pass to the forefront of the group.

�Tec�ma�te Teal�c. I am Ronak also from Chulak! Among my people you are known and respected. I give you the warriors of the Red Cliffs.� He gestured expansively to the milling group, before favouring SG-1 with a wide toothy smile. �The infamous SG-1 is it not?�

�Infamous, yes that�s us.� The colonel confirmed caustically. He gestured for Sam and Susan to stand down and join them. As they approached he turned to Teal�c. �Do you know this guy?�

�I do not. But the people of the Red Cliffs are known to be skilled fighters, expert in the art of Gorilla warfare as you would call it.�

�I thought Jaffa never killed in that fashion,� Susan asked, her tone both cautious and curious.

�Even among honourable warriors there is need for such skills Captain Johnson. One cannot always kill ones enemy face to face.�

Sam nodded in agreement. �Sir?� she pointed with her chin to the approaching Ronak.

The colonel looked over the warrior with a critical eye. �Big son of a bitch,� he remarked under his breath. Then louder �Ronak. What are you doing here?�

�My warriors are gathered from the ranks of many system lords Colonel, this is our refuge. Here among the caves in those mountains.� He smiled again, his teeth white and menacing despite the friendliness of his tone. �What are you doing here Colonel?�

�Us? Oh we�re doing what we do, exploring. Didn�t know this place was occupied.� He paused. �How did you know we were here and how did you get here so quickly?� He gestured towards the mountains, bluish and hazy with distance.

�We have the Stargate under constant surveillance. Wouldn�t you, Colonel?�

�I suppose I would if I were leading an army of deserters�not that this is a bad thing,� he added hastily at the twisted frown that crossed Ronak�s formerly open features.

The warrior nodded, apparently satisfied by the colonel�s qualifier. Sam winced inwardly and stepped slightly closer to her irritated CO. Her movement was not lost on him and he glanced sideways nodding ever so slightly in acknowledgement before continuing. �So that�s part one�how did you get here so fast?�

�We were hunting, Colonel. This planet has excellent game. Our scouts alerted us to your arrival and we have been observing you ever since.�

�Alerted how?� Sam interjected. �We didn�t hear any horns.�

�We use polished stones such as these to signal one another.� He produced a small slightly oval shaped stone that had been smoothed to a high gloss. The glare of the sun was blinding off its surface.

�Like a mirror, Sir�

�What is a mirror?� Ronak asked, perplexed.

�It�s an object usually made of glass that has a reflective surface.� Susan supplied.

The colonel frowned but did not comment on the captain�s response. Sam sighed when she saw her friend wince. Susan had seen the colonel�s silent rebuke.

�I see, then these stones are like your mirrors then.�

�We use the same thing on earth��

Ronak raised an eyebrow a curiously similar expression to the one that Teal�c often displayed when confronted with an unfamiliar situation or term.

�Earth, is the name the Tau'ri have given their home-world.� Teal�c explained.

Ronak nodded. �My warriors and I would be honoured if you would join us for our evening repast. Our hunting trip has been very successful.�

Sam gazed at the assembled Jaffa, Not all of them would be, she noted silently. She could see several of the men murmuring and gesturing among themselves, some pointing outright at SG-1. The colonel agreed with her thoughts she was sure. His jaw was working spasmodically and he kept shifting his weight from foot to foot as the silence following Ronak�s offer stretched to the breaking point.

After their nearly disastrous experience with Imhotep Teal�c was not as trusting as he once was either. When his CO remained silent he stepped forward and bowed slightly to the expectant leader. �We are honoured that you would choose to share your food with us, but we must decline the invitation.�

�We�re on kind of a tight schedule,� the colonel added, taking the opening Teal�c had offered and running with it. �Another time maybe?�

Ronak frowned again. �It is customary to accept hospitality when offered, Teal�c.� He addressed his remarks to the Jaffa ignoring the colonel�s impatient grumble.

Teal�c did not reply but instead stepped backwards and inclined his head in their CO�s direction. �Colonel O�Neill is our commanding officer. He speaks the truth and means no disrespect.�

�Is it also customary for you to shoot first and ask questions later?� The colonel interjected in a soft voice,

Sam recognized his hushed tones as a warning that he was losing patience with the situation. The colonel�s increasingly chilly disposition and emotional withdrawal had begun to affect his command style and were of primary concern for all of them. When she had been able to look beyond the initial shock of her own grief Sam had found herself watching him closely and becoming more and more concerned with the downward spiral she detected. There were a lot of reasons why the five recruits for Daniel�s position thus far had washed out, but she had to acknowledge that the colonel�s failed attempts to deal with his grief over Daniel had been primary among them. Something was bound to give and soon, would here and now be the place where he finally lost it? She shifted her grip on her weapon and skimmed the faces of the Jaffa. Any true warrior would detect the acid tone of the colonel�s voice see his tense stance and dark eyes as a clear indication that this was not a man to be trifled with.

Ronak was true to her assessment and he nodded at the colonel and took a step back. �We were concerned that your intentions were not peaceful, Colonel. You are armed after all.�

The colonel nodded slightly and Sam released a breath she didn�t know she had been holding.

�What can you tell us about the temple back there?� He abruptly changed the subject but his tone remained guarded.

Ronak shifted on his feet. �We are not explorers, Colonel. Even if we were we have had little time to focus on anything except our survival. Several of us have families with children. It appears to be high summer on this planet but we have no way of knowing when the season will come to an end or how harsh the cold will be.�

The colonel flicked his gaze from Ronak to Sam. She recognized his silent command and stepped forward with a hesitant smile on her face. �We might be able to offer assistance to you and your people��

�Assuming you are who you say you are,� the colonel intoned before nodding at her to continue.

Ronak had stiffened at the apparent slight against his honour and several of the Jaffa grumbled. He silenced them with a terse �Kree!� before turning back to Sam

�The SGC could offer you medical supplies, food, tools to build shelter��

�Your offer is appreciated, but not necessary,� he rumbled in response. �We will return to our hunting camp, we need to prepare our food for the journey back to the settlement.� He turned to the colonel and inclined his dark head ever so slightly. �If you wish to learn more about us the camp is but a short walk to the northwest. We will leave you in peace, Colonel. I trust you will do the same.�

It was disquieting to see such an obviously proud, almost arrogant man acting submission to the colonel. Ronak�s behaviour made Sam uneasy and judging by the scowl that creased the colonel�s features he felt the same. He chose to respond to the warrior with a curt nod and he didn�t shift his gaze until the last of the Jaffa had disappeared from view and their footsteps had faded into the wind.

The colonel sighed heavily. He removed his green cap and scrubbed a hand through his tousled grey hair before turning to Teal�c �Okay what the hell was that?�

�I am unsure.� The Jaffa admitted. �The name Ronak is unfamiliar to me as I have said but I know the people of the Red Cliffs to be honourable and hard working. Do you feel that Ronak has deceived us?�

�I don�t know what to think.� The colonel admitted.

Sam swallowed hard. The defeated tone in his voice sent a shiver up her back. �Maybe we�re reading too much into this?� she suggested.

�Maybe. I�m trying to figure out how they got so close to us without giving themselves away. There�s nothing but grass and more grass out there,� he gestured to the surrounding countryside plainly exasperated.

�Colonel, couldn�t things be as simple as they seem?� Susan questioned innocently.

The colonel licked his lips and glanced skyward. �I suppose they could, Captain. But past experiences tend to make me a little testy when it comes to dealing with armed Jaffa.�

�My apologies, Sir.�

Sam watched her friend take a step back and grimace as she dug her toe into the grass. Susan didn�t like being rebuked, for any reason. Her question had been valid and the colonel�s response had been cold and condescending. Sam knew it was a matter of time before Susan would call him on it. Heaven help you, Sir, she thought silently towards her CO.

The colonel seemed to consider his officers for a long moment before releasing a heavy sigh. �Teal�c take up position on that hillside, I�ll stay here. Major you accompany Captain Johnson. Take your pictures. We�ll get all we can now. I don�t know if we�ll be coming back. We�ll head back to the Stargate in one hour.�

His willingness to allow them to explore the ruins was a surprise to Sam. Procedure dictated that they leave immediately.

Does he know how terse he was? Is that why we�re staying?

She chewed her lower lip dragging her mind away from internal speculation. �Yes, sir.�

She helped Susan set up the lights and cameras within the ruins and then stood watch at the entrance while her friend took a variety of stills as well as videotape of the glyphs and the room itself.

Susan explored the temple with a hand held lantern when she was satisfied with the pictures. The stone walls were smooth and without blemish, a clear sign that they had been carved out with machinery and not by hand. There was an altar at the back of the room near the entrance to a tunnel that went deeper into the hillside. The tunnel had a carved archway over it. Symbols of a similar style as the glyphs on the wall and at the base of the stone altar were carved into the rock. Both arch and altar were a different colour and texture than the surrounding rock.

�They brought this in here from God knows where. It�s got to have some significance.� Susan murmured. �I wish we had time to study it in more detail. Pictures just aren�t enough�� She trailed off and turned to Sam. �Do you think the colonel will change his mind?�

�I guess it depends on what we can learn from the symbols.� She wanted to offer her friend hope but in reality she couldn�t see General Hammond allowing any SG team to return to the planet given the presence of the rebel Jaffa army.

�Carter.� The radio crackled to life making them both jump.

�Here, sir.�

�Time�s up.�

�Colonel, there�s a tunnel leading further into the mountain�� Susan interjected

�Captain, times up!� he repeated with finality.

�Yes, sir.�

Susan shook her head her eyes flashing in the glow of the lantern. �Not much for small talk is he?�

�Nope. When he says its time to go, its time to go.� Sam reached for the tripod case and began to disassemble the gangly piece of equipment.

�You�re awful cranky all of a sudden.�

�He�s our CO, Captain,� she reminded.

�Yes, he is.� Susan agreed slowly as she zipped the camera and spare film into its case.

�What�s that supposed to mean?�

�Nothing, Ma�am, nothing at all.� Susan walked to the back of the room taking a final look at the carvings. �Shame we can�t stay,� she muttered regretfully before turning away. Her lantern light swung across the tunnel mouth and she paused mid pivot. �Major?�

�What?� Sam called from her position by the temple entryway.

�Footprints, someone has been in here recently.� Susan crouched down and studied the tracks. �There�s a lot of disturbance in the dust, for some reason they didn�t come out into the temple itself��

�Or maybe they�ve been wiped away?� Sam suggested as she squatted down beside her.

�Possibly.� Susan raised her lantern casting its light deeper into the tunnel. �The tracks disappear around that bend�� She started forward and Sam stopped her with a firm hand on her shoulder.

�Hold it, we need to inform Colonel O�Neill.�

Susan leaned back against the wall and raised her eyes to the ceiling. �Sorry,� she murmured softly. �I wasn�t thinking. This day started out so differently��

Sam nodded in sympathy. The arrival of the Jaffa and the colonel�s stiff demeanour had certainly thrown a wet blanket on things. She raised the radio to her lips. �Colonel, this is Carter.�

�What�s taking so long, Major?� He snapped in response.

�We�ve found something interesting, Sir.�

�Like,� he prompted.

�Footprints.�

There was a long moment of silence before the colonel responded. �I�ll be right in.�

A couple minutes later a shadow passed across the entryway and the colonel strode quickly into the empty chamber. �What have you got, Carter?�

�Captain Johnson spotted them, Sir.� Sam deferred to her teammate offering her a small smile of encouragement.

�Johnson?�

�Yes, Sir. I was exploring the glyphs on the altar here.� She indicated the dusty carvings with one long finger. �There are similar symbols on the archway.� Susan shifted her lantern to reveal the off colour arch.

�Footprints,� he gestured impatiently.

�Getting to that, Sir.�

Sam saw her lips twitch with thinly veiled irritation before she dropped the lantern towards the floor.

�Here, sir. They extend back as far as the eye can see�.�

He crouched down and examined the tracks before speaking into the radio in his vest pocket. �Teal�c, come in.�

�I am here, O�Neill.�

�Any movement out there?�

�There are no signs of Ronak and his warriors.�

�Okay, O�Neill out.� He removed his cap and ran a hand through his hair and down his neck. �Well surprise, surprise.�

�Sir?� Sam took a step forward.

�I thought he was hiding something. Jesus, for once I was hoping I was wrong.� He admitted quietly.

�So was I,� she commiserated.

�Yeah, well life�s a bitch,� he muttered as he rose to his feet. �Carter, stay here and keep an eye on this tunnel entrance. Johnson you�re with me.�

Susan blinked taken aback by the gruff command. �Sir?�

He shook his head. �What is it with you scientists! Do you have to question everything?�

The comparison between Susan and Daniel was not lost on Sam. She knew what he was thinking and while it was unfair it was understandable. Susan wasn�t going to take it lying down though. �

Sir, permission to speak freely?�

�Not now,� he snapped in response.

�Sir��

�Johnson when I give an order I don�t discuss it. If you have a problem with that then hand in your resignation when we get back to the SGC. Out here I expect my orders to be carried out without question. Your life may depend on it! Now move out.�

Sam blinked in surprise at his tirade. Jack�s face was flushed his eyes dark chips of obsidian in the feeble lantern light.

�Yes, sir.� Susan murmured and moved into the tunnel holding her lantern high and cradling her P90 close against her chest.

"Are you okay?� Sam whispered as he turned to follow her.

He paused and raked Sam with an icy glare, his mouth twisted into a scowl. �I told you this was a bad idea, Carter.� He spat before walking into the tunnel.

Sam turned away, dismissing his harsh words without comment. It was harder to banish the cruel echo of his voice. She was shocked to feel tears burning her eyelids and she quickly swiped them away. Her fingers trembled against her face and she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

Why are you doing this? When will you let one of us in?

Why won�t you talk to me!

The echo of their footsteps rapidly faded into silence and Sam was left alone to ponder her thoughts while she watched the temple entryway.

Her mind flashed back to the SGC. Three days after Daniel Ascended and disappeared through the Stargate. She had been standing in his office, attempting to sort through some of his things as a prelude to packing them up. She had made very little progress though she had spent half the morning. Each picture, note, folder contained some memory that caught at her. Flashes of the man she had called friend for five years. General Hammond had found her there and through tears that she had struggled in vain to contain Sam had poured out her frustration and pain. He had sympathized and in a rare display of emotion shared with her his own unresolved feelings concerning a Vietnam vet and friend still missing in action. The arrival of Freyr had interrupted their heart to heart but as they went to the Gateroom Sam felt a bit of peace. Some of the weight had been lifted from her and for the first time since Daniel disappeared she felt that someone understood at least a little of her anguish. Her tenuous sense of balance was shattered when the colonel agreed to the rescue mission Freyr proposed.

Sam shuddered remembering his cold dismissive tone �What do you want me to do? He�s gone. We�ve got work to do.� The words still stung despite the passage of time. What did I expect, flowers and candy? No, she reasoned with herself. A simple apology would have done�

She was still waiting.

�Carter!�

The crackle of the radio and the colonel�s urgent whisper snapped Sam back to the present. She scanned the empty entryway and worked her way back to the tunnel entrance. �I�m here, Sir. All clear at this end.�

�Yeah well there are a few surprises down here.� He replied darkly.

�Sir?�

�I think we�ve found where Nirti�s been keeping herself these last few months.�

�Sir, are you sure?�

�Pretty sure. The Jaffa guarding the place was pretty talkative once I explained the situation to him.�

Sam grimaced images of the colonel holding his belt knife to the neck of a quivering Jaffa came to mind. �How�s Captain Johnson?� She asked cautiously.

�She�s fine, mother. Checking out the lab as we speak. O�Neill out.�

Shaking her head Sam paced across the tunnel entrance keeping a wary eye towards the temple entryway. Nirti had turned their lives upside down only a few months earlier when her experimental virus had started a series of mutation in Cassandra. Since then they had lost track of her. �Some days it pays to sleep in,� she muttered beneath her breath.

The rumble came from deep within the mountain and Sam knew what it was even before the expulsion of gas and debris slammed her to the floor. She sat up immediately. Spitting dirt from her mouth she covered her head and crawled close to the wall.

�Jack! Susan!�

*****

The darkness was complete.

Jack sucked in a cautious breath and choked as pain stabbed through his chest and dust filled his mouth.

Jesus, what the hell happened?

Breathing shallowly to dim the stars that played across his vision he attempted to move. After an agonizing eternity spent willing his aching limbs to action he was able to reach the radio in his vest pocket. �Carter?� he rasped. His pulse thudded heavily in his ears at the sound of his voice.

Static.

Jack shifted on the rocky ground feeling fresh nauseating waves of agony lance across his ribs. He swallowed bile and retched painfully as he leaned forward and began to feel around his prison. Rocks, sand,

Cloth?

I�m not alone�

The thought filtered through his fuzzy brain followed by a wave of relief. How could I forget��Johnson�� gasping he tried again, struggling to be heard above the roaring in his ears. �Johnson, are you okay?�

He prodded her and was rewarded with a moan. He ran gentle fingers over her body until he determined that he had her arm. Trailing his hand down the length of it he reached her palm and her cold clammy fingers. At his touch she jerked and clung to him releasing a second louder moan and a slurred. �Sir?�

�Yeah, it�s me,� he confirmed softly. �Can you move? Are you okay?�

�No, I don�t think so, sir.�

�Can�t move, or not okay?� he questioned between halting ragged breaths.

�I can move,� she managed after a long moment. �But my leg�it�s stuck, sir. I can�t feel it�.� She trailed into silence, her fingers gradually releasing his. �Sorry, Sir.�

�It�s okay.� Jack tried to infuse his voice with some semblance of strength, unconsciously responding to the tremor in her words. It was a losing battle and he submitted to a wracking cough that left him dizzy.

�Sir?�

He wheezed painfully and felt her clutch his fingers again.

�Sir, are you okay?�

Jack struggled unsuccessfully to return her grip with a reassuring squeeze of his own. The fact that half a mountain rested on top of them was less alarming to him then the tremors in his hand and the painful rattle in his chest. He released her fingers knowing that his shaking would only worry her more. �Can you reach your radio?� he managed with effort.

�I think so,� she shifted and he heard her gasp. �I take it yours wasn�t working?�

�No, not sure if it�s broken or if there�s something in here interfering.� He moved again trying to quiet the flaring in his ribs. When he leaned forward to shift his weight his arm gave way and he fell across the debris on the tunnel floor. �Ahh�� The world became momentarily blacker before returning in a haze of scarlet, which pulsed with each slamming beat of his heart. �Oh God��

�Sir?� he heard her scrabbling about in the rocks and sand and then felt her brush his shoulder with tentative fingers. �Sir, answer me!�

Jack started painfully at her sharp tone. �Yeah�here,� he breathed in response when the roaring in his head had subsided again. �Relax, Johnson.�

She laughed hollowly. �I have a choice?�

�No I guess not.� He stifled a groan and attempted to roll into sitting position. �So much for the milk run.�

�Not exactly standard operating procedure,� again the laugh.

�You�re pretty happy for someone stuck under several tons of solid rock.� Jack inched backwards until his back came in contact with the wall of debris. He straightened against it trying to remove the pressure from his ribs. What the hell hit me? He shook his head, dumb question, what the hell didn�t hit me?

�Better to laugh then cry I guess,� Susan responded to his comment, her voice heavy with the emotions she was trying to control. �I would say we�re in a fair bit of trouble, Sir.�

�Yeah.�

�Any thoughts?�

�Not at the moment,� he admitted.

�That�s comforting.�

�Try your radio?�

Susan sighed loudly and he heard a click followed by static. �No dice,� she supplied unnecessarily.

�Sweet,� he grimaced, thankful for the darkness that obscured his face. �There�s not a whole lot to work with in here so for now I guess we stay put�.�

�That�s it? Stay put?� Her tone was incredulous.

�What would you have me do, Johnson? Dig us out with my bare hands?�

�I guess I expected more�.�

�Getting a little close to the line�.� he warned.

�I don�t give a damn!�

Jack gasped partly in pain and partly in surprise at her harsh retort. �Captain��

�Right now I don�t think ranks apply.�

�They will when we get out of here,� he pointed out.

This time the laugh was loud, almost hysterical. �If you mean��

�No, when.� Jack emphasized. His thoughts drifted back to the nights he spent with Carter in Antarctica.

�We will get out of here, that�s an order��

His words in that ice-cave 5 years earlier were hauntingly applicable to their current situation. Like Carter, Johnson was a thinker. Her thought processes were linear and logical and he could appreciate that but even a pessimist had to let faith in once in a while. Otherwise hope would die a quick death in this oppressive darkness.

Say something Jack. Tell her things will be okay, that Carter will think of something.

He had to believe that his team, that Sam, would get them out. There were no other options except dying in the eerie silence and total darkness of the collapsed tunnel. �Not acceptable��

�Did you say something?� Susan whispered. She had shifted until her hand was resting fully on his shoulder. �Colonel, stay with me.�

Her words held no fear, they were a command and the military part of Jack balked at the audacity of his subordinate giving him orders. It was only after a moment�s thought that he could acknowledge the gratitude he felt at her attempt to keep him focused.

She�s right.

The contradictions in his troubled thought processes drew the suppressed, vulnerable side of his nature to the forefront. Jack cringed, backing hastily away from the emotional storm front that washed through his conscious mind. Doubts and fears and desperate longings rode it�s wake and he swallowed hard focusing on the physical pain, allowing it to draw his attention away from the inward turmoil that threatened to drown him.

Not here, not now! There isn�t time!

But what if time is all I have? Time until the darkness behind my eyelids becomes darker and more permanent than the tomb that surrounds us.

�Colonel!�

As if from a great distance Susan�s voice reverberated in his throbbing skull, drawing Jack, back to the present. He could feel her fingers digging into his shoulder and she was shaking him weakly.

�Colonel, stay with me dammit!�

�Carter never mentioned how bossy you can be,� he murmured.

She released a nervous giggle. �Thought I�d lost you for a second.�

�Not a whole lot of places to go,� he pointed out.

�Oh I don�t know, seems like it would be pretty easy to check out in here.� She swallowed audibly. �I can�t feel a thing below my right knee�strange�I think I�m wiggling my toes but��

�Here let me take a look,� he chuckled and his breath caught painfully. �So to speak,� he managed after a long moment spent gasping for air between clenched teeth.

�I don�t think you should move around.�

�Probably not, but I�m going to go stir crazy if I don�t.� He felt through the pockets on his vest and growled in frustration. �Must have lost my lamp in the cave-in.�

�My belt?�

Jack slid along the floor until his leg brushed against her body. �Pardon my fingers,� he warned as he allowed his hands to travel down her side. When he reached her waist he encountered her utility belt and discovered a small flashlight miraculously still clipped in place. �How about a little light on the situation��

He heard the brush of her hair against the sand and rubble and took that as an affirmation. The clip released with a loud snap making them both jump in the dead silence. �I�m turning it on, cover your eyes.�

The light bathed them both in a painful glare. Without thinking Jack ducked his head putting pressure on his battered ribs. �Jesus, that hurts!�

�Should have taken your own advice,� Susan muttered, her voice at once sarcastic and sympathetic.

�Ya think.�

�Are you okay?�

�No,� he responded flatly, seeing no reason to lie. �But enough about me�.� Jack blinked until the fresh stars had faded from his vision. Turning slightly he shone the light down the length of Susan�s body swallowing a sigh of dismay. Her right leg disappeared beneath a large mottled boulder. She was stuck and no doubt would lose the captured limb if they were lucky enough to make it out at all.

When! He corrected himself firmly.

�It�s bad.�

�Yeah,� he agreed, �It�s bad.� The flashlight beam drifted across her face. She was pale and bruised, fresh scrapes coloured her left cheek with an angry welt. He saw her blinking hard fighting for control and he moved the beam away giving her the privacy of darkness to compose herself.

�Colonel?�

�Jack,� he corrected her softly as he allowed the light to roam the confined space. The ceiling had lost its formerly smooth texture and was a mass of jagged toothy rock. He lowered the light and found that a fresh wall of debris choked the bend they had rounded before stumbling onto the large chamber guarded by the Jaffa. The jumble of rocks at his back hid the chamber and the lab it housed. The guard lay buried beneath it he was sure.

�Why?�

Her query interrupted his thoughts and he blinked in confusion. �Huh?�

�Why�Jack?� she shifted on the floor and groaned beneath her breath.

�Because you were right.�

�Huh?� Her turn to be surprised.

�This is no place for ranks,� he explained.

�Then Susan.�

�Okay, Susan it is.�

�Any idea what happened to us?�

Jack shifted position pushing back against the unyielding stone of the heavy boulder that trapped her. He placed the flashlight on end on the floor next to him and rubbed a grimy hand tiredly across his face. �The Jaffa said that Nirti was his Goddess�We�ve met her before.�

�Yes, I know.� Susan put one hand beneath her head and used the other to brush her short brown hair from her face. �I�ve been studying SG-1�s reports. I�ve only gotten through the first couple of years�fascinating reading.� She smiled softly. �You�ve had quite a ride.�

�Yes, we have.�

�Nirti, wasn�t she the Goa�uld that destroyed Cassandra�s planet?�

�Yeah, that�s the one,� he confirmed bitterly. �She had a few more surprises up her sleeve it seems.�

�So this was some sort of fail safe, a booby trap?�

�Goa�uld never have only one way in or out. This tunnel was probably here. Built by the same folks who made that altar back there. Nirti set up guards to keep anyone from stumbling across her little hideout. The explosives were an added bonus. I would bet there�s a ring transporter close by.�

�Yes, I agree about the tunnels. They are very old and the glyphs were not Goa�uld, they didn�t match anything I�ve read in Dr. Jackson�s notes�� she trailed off, flicking her soft green eyes across his face. �I�m sorry��

Jack switched off the flashlight plunging them into darkness again. He had tried to hide the sorrow the mention of Daniel invoked but he hadn�t been quick enough and Susan had seen him wince. �We need to save the batteries.� He murmured softly, hoping to distract her.

Susan Johnson was nothing if not tenacious however and he heard the drag of fabric on sand and felt her fingers touch his knee. �Really, I�m sorry I said that. I know how much Sam is missing him and I�m sure you are too.�

�It�s alright, Johnson. Forget it.�

�Susan,� she corrected gently. �And if you need to talk about it, please do�I can relate��

He laughed bitterly and hugged his ribs against the renewed ache. �Oh have you had a lot of friends turn into a glowing octopi before your eyes?� He quipped.

�No, but I�ve lost people close to me,� she replied her voice thick with tears.

Coward! He berated himself. She needs support, understanding not wise cracks! Jack leaned his head against the stone pressing the heels of his hands tight against his trembling eyelids.

Why can�t I face her? Why am I hiding in the dark?

His emotions were so close, so real, he could feel his heart racing with the effort to maintain control.

What am I afraid of?

Jack swallowed hard and licked his lips. The floodgates of long suppressed doubts and desires threatened to burst with each painful breath he took.

What would happen if I told her? It I admitted that the darkness that surrounds us both is bright as day compared to blackness that encompasses my every waking moment�

Stop being so melodramatic!

The self-admonishment did not quell his thoughts. What would Susan, or anyone else think if they knew that the pain of losing Daniel and letting any chance for happiness with Sam slip beyond my grasp hurts more than anything I�ve ever gone through including losing Charlie.

How is that possible?

How did everything get so screwed up?

The answers refused to come and Jack shook his head welcoming the dull throb that accompanied the movement. Pain meant he was still alive, and it gave him something outward to focus on.

�I�m sorry,� he managed after a lengthy pause. I don�t know why and I�m sure you don�t either, he added silently.

�I guess that�s all anyone can say isn�t it?�

He didn�t answer and she let her hand slide off his knee.

Jack closed his eyes and let his head rest against the cool stone. Above the dull throbbing in his skull he could hear the raspy hitch of his and Susan�s breathing, incredibly loud in the cramped space. The air was stuffier than when he first awoke and he could feel the first signs of shock setting in with the chills that crawled up his suddenly damp back.

�Susan?�

�Yeah?�

�Are you okay?�

�For now, but I�m getting cold�� She sucked in a slow breath. �Shock?�

�Yeah.� Jack inched away from the wall and eased his body onto the cold stone floor, wincing as pebbles and sand dug into his bruised ribs. �Need to keep warm, Captain.� He explained as he cuddled close against her side.

�I understand, Sir.� She slipped into the formal attitude as easily as he had, grasping the necessity of professional distance even as he draped a cautious arm across her chest.

What are you doing Sam?

Jack�s inner self recoiled at the blossoming of guilt and sorrow her name evoked.

What miracle are you going to pull off this time? Useless questions, the workings of an idle mind�

He attempted to take a deep breath to steady his nerves and wound up swallowing silent gasps of agony.

God I hate this!

How long have I tried not to think, to hear, to see, what�s been going on around me?

He swallowed hard, more useless questions. They filled him with anxiety, washing through his mind and leaving him weak and shaken at their passage.

Susan shifted beside him and Jack nervously licked his lips, willing her to be silent. Knowing that he couldn�t answer any question she might put forth and terrified that this near complete stranger could hear and feel the pain he was fighting so hard to suppress.

Sam!

I depend on you for so much�

Is there such a thing as needing someone too much? Do you know how much I need you, Sam, not just now but always? Do you have any idea how much it cost me to walk away from you in that corridor? Did you see how hard I was struggling to pull it together?

Do you still care?

Did you ever?

Jack felt his eyes snap open and he brushed a hand across his face seeking confirmation that it was more than a reflex action. The feather brush of his eyelashes confirmed what he could not see and he slumped against Susan who moaned softly but did not comment.

I need to get out of here I can�t take this�not now!

Just leave me alone!

He felt torn asunder by the push and pull of his own fevered thoughts.

What good is it going to do to ask these questions here, now? She can�t answer them�

Can I ask them when I finally get out? Can I bear the answers?

�Jack?�

Jolted by the sound of his name in the dead silence Jack twitched painfully against the unyielding stone. �What?�

�It�s quiet in here, too quiet. I�m not sure I can stand the company of my own thoughts at the moment to be honest��

�I know the feeling,� he replied before he could stop himself.

Susan seemed to consider his answer for a moment. �Tell me what you�re thinking about, Jack.�

�Fishing,� the urge to lie was instantaneous, almost natural. God knows I�ve had enough practice. Jack�s mind drifted to the many instances where he had come too close to blurting out how he felt about Sam to the other members of SG-1. I�m a pro...

�I don�t believe you,� Susan murmured softly. �If you can�t be honest, here when I can�t even see you...�

�Susan, what did you expect? It�s not like we know one another��

�You�re not much of a talker even with people you know well,� she retorted her tone mildly accusatory.

That�s not true, Jack denied silently. How many times had he shared an afternoon with Daniel over a bottle of beer with the murmur of a hockey or football game as background noise? He opened his mouth to point this out to Susan then snapped it shut with a hitching sigh. Actually, Daniel did most of the talking on those occasions. Prattling on about the latest archaeological find on Planet X while he pretended to be interested. Well not pretended really, but certainly not focused enough to retain more than the basic idea of a given conversation�

For Daniel his polite interest had always been sufficient. On the rare occasions when a more serious attitude was called for Jack had been there, in the odd role of confidante. He had floundered through his friend�s emotional ups and downs, never quite sure if he was doing enough but secure in the knowledge that the younger man would understand his well meaning if stilted remarks.

When Daniel had come to him after Sha�re was buried Jack had offered him a shoulder to lean on and an ear to bend. It felt good to be needed again after years of living alone with nothing but memories for company. Unfortunately he had never felt comfortable enough in the friendship to share his forbidden attraction to Sam. It was the height of arrogance to think that Daniel didn�t suspect something but the sensitive archaeologist had never hinted at any harboured suspicions so the subject remained untouched.

Now I�ll never get the chance�

Jack shifted carefully, hugging Susan as she shivered �What did you mean?� he ventured softly.

�About talking?� Her voice was faint and tremulous.

Jack frowned, he didn�t want to open up but they were both dangerously close to unconsciousness as the cold and injury took their toll. �Yeah,� he encouraged.

She sighed loudly. �I was thinking about Sam��

Jack flinched at the name. �What about her,� he pressed. His stomach was doing slow flip-flops that had nothing to do with the pulsing ache in his ribcage.

�She�s hurting and she needs to talk to someone about it. You�re the only one who can really understand and you won�t open up to her.�

The statement was bald and to the point and Jack found himself shying away from the woman�s audacity. Susan was on a roll though and she plunged ahead her voice rising ever so slightly, becoming firmer with the strength of her convictions.

�We haven�t had a lot of time to talk since General Hammond recommended me for this assignment. I�ve been busy trying to get a handle on things, reading mission reports and so on�but when we finally sat down together I saw how upset she really was.� She took a breath. �Colonel, she needs you to listen! I haven�t seen her so messed up since her mother died! You are the only one who can help her through this because you are her commander, her friend, her�� Her voice trailed off in momentary merciful silence.

Jack�s subconscious took up the conversation; sending fresh shivers chasing down his spine. Her�what? No this can�t be going where I think it�s going�and if it is then what?

�You�re more transparent then you think, both of you are.� Susan added in a whisper.

Her voice was like a hammer striking against Jack�s fragile control. He began to tremble uncontrollably. Susan reached over and rubbed the arm he had thrown across her chest.

I�m going into shock that has to be it�

Don�t be an ass Jack, his inner self screamed. The only shock you�re feeling is the realization that you�ve shut out the one person who can help you and who needs your help more than anyone else in the world!

*****

�Teal�c!� Sam shouted into her radio. Her heart was slamming in her chest. Oh God, Jack! Susan!

�Major Carter? What has happened?�

The Jaffa�s measured tones brought a semblance of calm and Sam took a steadying breath before replying. �I think there�s been an explosion of some kind inside the mountain. Is there any sign of movement out there?�

�No.�

Where was Ronak? Had he really gone back to some hidden camp or had he somehow outflanked SG-1 and touched off the blast that had thrown her to the ground and quite possibly buried her best friend and�Jack? �Stay put Teal�c, I�m going to see how far down the tunnel I can get�maybe it wasn�t as bad as it sounded.�

Yeah, right.

�Are you sure that is wise?�

�No,� she admitted. �But there�s only the two of us, I don�t see much of a choice. Stay top side.�

�As you wish.�

Sam could hear the frustration in the Jaffa�s normally confident tone and she sympathized. �Wish me luck, Teal�c,� she murmured as she cautiously entered the tunnel.

�Luck,� he replied softly.

The passage was choked with dust. Bits of debris and grit showered Sam as she walked carefully through the near total darkness tripping over rocks and sliding on the loose sand. The eerie blue glow of the lantern did little to cut the gloom. She coughed and waved fitfully at the haze as she rounded a bend and then another before encountering the fresh wall of debris. Feeling blindly for her radio in her vest pocket she opened a channel.

Please, answer me! �Colonel?� Static hissed back at her. �Colonel, can you hear me?� The radio crackled again and she closed the channel with a frustrated snap. Leaning forward she pulled away some of the smaller rocks and cupped a hand to her mouth. �Colonel!�

�Major Carter!� Teal�c�s voice, faint and tin-like issued from the radio�s tiny speaker.

Sam swallowed hard and closed her eyes for a long moment before turning away from the silent wall of stone. �What is it?�

�I have spotted a small group of Jaffa moving towards the Northwest.�

�The same direction as Ronak�s camp?�

�Yes,� he confirmed.

�Is Ronak with them?�

�I do not believe so.�

She placed a trembling hand slick with sweat on one of the largest boulders.

What if they�re dead?

The question and its implications blocked out the impatient hum of the radio and the eerie click and rustle of the settling debris. Sam took a deep breath. I need to stay focused. Casting a last despairing glance at the pile of stone that blocked her way she made her way back through the tunnel and emerged into the fading daylight at the temple entrance.

�Stay in position Teal�c, I�ll join you shortly.�

The Jaffa acknowledged her with a noncommittal grunt. Sam returned to the mobile unit and collected additional ammunition, a second flashlight, and a backpack containing an assortment of explosives as well as basic medical supplies and several MREs. She joined her teammate on the ridge overlooking the temple and followed his gesturing hand until she spotted the small, slow moving party with her binoculars.

�Have you heard from Colonel O�Neill or Captain Johnson?� Teal�c murmured quietly as she scanned the horizon.

�No, but there could be a lot of reasons why.�

They could be dead�

Sam squelched the thought immediately, ignoring the shivers that coursed up her back.

�Agreed.�

Teal�c�s simple one word answer was uttered with complete confidence. Sam smiled softly, grateful for his presence. For him there were an endless number of possibilities and the situation was ripe for change until it was proven otherwise.

�I think it�s at least possible that those guys had something to do with what happened down there.�

�I concur. They appear to be returning to Ronak�s camp. Perhaps we should follow them?�

Sam nodded and tucked her binoculars into her vest pocket. There would be no point in returning to the Stargate. They had travelled quite a distance and there was no way of knowing if they would be spotted and their access cut off either before they arrived or after they left the planet. She glanced back at the temple entryway blinking rapidly against the emotions that surged just beneath the surface.

I will be back Susan�Jack�I won�t leave you here!

�Come on,� she murmured roughly to Teal�c. Slinging the pack onto her shoulder she passed a spare weapon and flashlight to the Jaffa before moving off on a parallel course to the distant party.

They crossed the eerily silent prairie in a ground-eating jog. The sun had sunk to the horizon casting smudgy shadows amid the swaying grass and painting the sky in brilliant shades of purple and orange. Sam kept her body low to the ground. Taking frequent cover between knolls and in shallow depressions as they left the relative safety of the temple area and approached the low rolling hills that eventually butted against the distant mountains.

After a half hour of steady progress Sam smelled smoke on the gentle breeze and heard the murmur of voices above the hiss of the grass. As the sounds grew louder she motioned Teal�c to the ground and they crawled to the crest of a low hill. Below them in a bowl shaped depression laid the camp of the rebel Jaffa.

She was surprised and pleased to see crude wooden wracks set up near smoky fires and hung with long strips of meat. The doors of blood and burnt flesh tainted the air. Turning slightly she indicated the camp with a tilt of her head. �They were telling the truth,� she mouthed to Teal�c.

He nodded slightly, his dark eyes unreadable in the fading light.

As they watched the Jaffa they had tracked entered the camp. Several warriors greeted them with subdued comments of welcome. Sam strained to hear their words, failing she glanced at Teal�c. His head was cocked slightly sideways his expression one of intense concentration as he listened to the activity below them.

�There is confusion among the warriors, Major Carter,� he whispered softly. �The returning party is being asked about their activities�why have they returned without meat�� He blinked and shifted position peering beneath the thin stalks of grass that shielded them. �Ronak has been summoned.�

She nodded and studied the milling crowd that had begun to gather around the party. Ronak�s tall form strode into view and the group parted slightly.

�Jaffa, KREE!� His deep voice resonated against the walls of the earthy depression. �Taybor, where are your brothers?�

Sam raised her eyebrows in a silent show of surprise. The bright glare of the setting sun had given way to the firelight of the camp. She scanned the faces of the newcomers, her suspicion growing. None of these warriors were with Ronak this afternoon, what did it mean?

She watched Taybor shift his weight from side to side though he never dropped his gaze from the face of the approaching leader. �There was an accident. We were hunting in a small canyon near the water�s edge. Several of my men fell from a ledge, we were unable to retrieve their bodies before high tide�� He dropped his eyes for the first time. �They are lost to us.�

Ronak stood in front of the assembled group letting his eyes slowly drift across the faces of the returning warriors. �I do not believe you, Taybor,� he replied harshly, his voice nearly lost in the startled rumble of the crowd.

�Do you question my honour, Ronak?� Taybor retorted sharply, several of his cohorts raised their staff weapons.

Sam felt her guts twist with apprehension.

�You have given me reason.� The Jaffa leader pointed out, appearing indifferent to the other man�s reaction.

�Explain!� Taybor demanded. He gestured sharply to the warriors that surrounded him. �Jaffa stand ready until this hatakka has given just cause for his insult!�

�Have you seen the Tau'ri?�

�What?� Taybor�s confusion at the change in subject was evident.

�I have spoken to a small group of Tau'ri Warriors this day. The rebel Jaffa Teal�c was with them.� Ronak crossed his arms his voice rising slightly. �They seemed suspicious of our motivations so I decided to keep watch on them. I did not trust them.�

I guess I shouldn�t be surprised. Sam shook her head. The colonel wasn�t exactly inviting. She forced the painful thoughts to the back of her mind as Ronak continued.

�I placed several sentinels near the entrance to the temple cave and throughout the surrounding hills�they saw your men arrive via rings on the backside of the hill.�

Sam glanced at Teal�c who shook his head slightly. Ronak�s warriors were very good if he had missed them. The thought was a troubling one and Sam concentrated hard on the conversation below.

Taybor took a step back. The weapons of his men rose to the ready fire position.

�Who is your master Taybor?� Ronak pressed, ignoring the metallic ring of zat�n�ktels and the warning hiss of arming staff weapons.

Taybor seemed to gather himself, raising his chin he shouted defiantly across the short distance between them. �I serve Nirti, a goddess of great power. Your true master SHOL�VA!�

Ronak blinked, unable to hide his astonishment. At a signal from Taybor the smaller group chose that moment to attack the less prepared members of the camp. The air was split with the whine of Zats and the hiss of Staffs. The earth exploded in showers of debris as frantic Jaffa dove for cover and weapons to defend themselves.

Sam flattened herself to the ground. Above the chaos a thick haze of smoke formed, muting the shouts and screams of fallen warriors. Ronak�s voice could be heard above the clamour, issuing sharp guttural commands. The tall Jaffa emerged briefly in the firelight, clutching a Zat in one hand and a menacing dagger in the other. Taybor spotted him and dropping his staff he lunged with his own knife slicing a deep gash in Ronak�s right shoulder before the warrior could pivot sideways.

Ronak answered the charge with a growl of fury. He swung to the left becoming airborne and catching the unsuspecting Taybor in his sensitive midriff. The warrior doubled over but was able to duck the follow up slash of Ronak�s knife. �Shol�va!� he spat a second time as he thrust for Ronak�s neck and missed by a hairsbreadth.

Sam could hear Teal�c shifting uneasily beside her. She glanced sideways, noting the barely concealed fury in his dark eyes. His jaw was clenched his hands pale where they tightly gripped his staff. She searched his face, attempting to catch his eye. Eventually he tore his gaze from the battle below and acknowledged her with a stiff bow.

Not now Teal�c, soon but not yet�

Sam sucked in her lower lip and returned her attention to the Jaffa. In her brief lapse both Ronak and Taybor had disappeared in the haze of smoke. The warriors had closed in to hand to hand combat. The solid wet thump of flesh against flesh had replaced the metallic hum and clank of weaponry. As she watched a warrior fell, gasping in silent agony as his body slid from the blade of his attacker. Blinking rapidly to clear away the acrid smoke Sam searched frantically for Ronak.

�There!� Teal�c muttered tensely. He pointed with his chin towards the edge of the encampment.

Ronak was crouched over Taybor. He held the head of a staff weapon to the other man�s throat and Sam could see him mouthing words that had twisted his once placid features into a sneer.

�We have to stop him!� Sam lunged to her feet and fired her P90 into the air.

The foreign rattle of her weapon brought the action below to an immediate end. With various expressions of surprise, anger and gratitude the Jaffa peered up through the smoke.

�Ronak!� Teal�c bellowed from his place by her side. He jogged down the side of the small hill and reached the side of the stunned warrior. �Hold!�

�He has betrayed me, betrayed us all. He is without honour and deserves to die like the dog that he is!�

�Ronak�� Sam joined the two men, feeling small and overmatched in the face of their bulk. �He might know how we can get to the Colonel, we need him alive.�

He spared her a brief glance while maintaining the pressure on Taybor�s neck. �What has happened?�

�There�s been an explosion and a cave-in, in the tunnels behind the temple.� She shifted her attention to the milling crowd and released a small sigh of relief. The members of the camp had gathered the few survivors from the hunting party in a tight group. Turning back to Ronak she continued. �I think Colonel O�Neill and Captain Johnson are trapped�� I hope, she added silently.

Teal�c nodded his agreement and prodded the silent Taybor with the tip of his own staff weapon. �What has happened to my friends?� He murmured, his tone soft, deadly quiet.

�You are the Shol�va, former first prime of Apophis�I will not answer.� Taybor replied breathlessly. A trickle of blood ran from his temple, glistening in the firelight.

Ronak�s hand was so quick Sam wasn�t sure he had moved at all until she saw Taybor�s head snap sideways followed by a shower of pink stained spittle. �You will speak to me traitor! I who took you in, believed that you were one with our cause��

�Your cause!� Taybor laughed thickly, his voice dying back to a rattling cough that left him wheezing. �You are the traitor. Loyal to no God or Goddess! Leading a mob of deserters! You have no cause, save your own selfish desires! I serve a higher power�.�

�You serve a demon who takes the innocent and enslaves them!� Ronak shouted back shaking his empty fist. �Teal�c and others like him seek freedom for all Jaffa! We need no masters to tell us how to live as peaceful beings! The Tau'ri are known to be loyal allies, supporters of the Jaffa cause. What have you done in the service of your false Goddess?�

�I and my brothers have done her work�� His voice fell to a whisper. �I die in her name Shol�va, as will the Tau'ri warriors. Alone in the dark�� He slumped beneath the tip of Ronak�s weapon, his breath expelling in one last deep rattle.

Sam turned away and closed her eyes. No, it can�t end this way! There�s too much left to do�too much left unsaid. She took a shaky breath and opened her eyes to peer up towards the heavens. We�ve come so far�

*****

Present

The flight had been just as exhausting as Jack had predicted. Made all the more hellish by the endless prattling of the geek to his right and the fawning of the old lady across the aisle.

�You look like my son�you�re so thin, you should eat more. I�m always telling Tommy that. Oh you�re in the Air Force? How nice�you boys in the service, you never take care of yourselves. I�m always telling Tommy that. I wish he would call more��

Jesus! I�m sure he avoids you like the plague!

The thought was hardly charitable but Jack was too tired and frustrated to care.

The geek with the glasses kept fidgeting and kicking his feet. The man hated to fly and whether Jack cared or not was of no importance to him. He kept up a constant monologue of muttered comments, talking about air speed and cloud cover and ice on the wings. When Jack made the mistake of mentioning that he was in the Air Force the comments shifted to questions about airplanes and turbulence and the dangers of winter flying. Eventually the admittedly bumpy flight had levelled out and the two had fallen mercifully silent. Jack had slipped into a fretful doze, his body succumbing to the exhaustion that was his constant companion of late. But the steady drone of the plane had played with his subconscious and he awoke with a start, sweating and panting slightly. The cold hand of the old lady and the odd look from the geek had left him feeling more wretched than when he dozed off and he had spent the remainder of the overly long flight staring numbly at the movie and trying to ignore their renewed ramblings.

The New England winter was a welcome slap to the face when he stepped out of the shelter of the airport and hailed a taxi. He told the driver the destination and then settled back into his seat, watching the scenery through heavy half closed eyelids.

A thick blanket of fresh powdery snow coated the lawns of the residential neighbourhood they passed through. Victorian style homes with rambling porches lined the streets. Their slate and shingled roofs trimmed in delicate filigrees of sparkling ice. The houses were spaced far apart. The majority of their driveways filled with multiple cars a clear indication that they were now apartment buildings.

Plastic sleds and inflatable tubes dotted the roadside. The happy shouts of smiling children penetrated the car�s interior. Jack leaned his head against the seat and closed his eyes, trying to let the simple sound of laughter drive away the remnants of the nightmare that still clung after the long hours of the plane trip.

�Hey, buddy. We�re here.�

The driver�s soft voice sounded dull and far away. Jack stirred and scrubbed groggily at his face. �Must have dozed off,� he muttered hoarsely.

The driver offered a wan smile. �It happens. Four fifty, please.�

�Yeah it does,� he replied and slipped the driver a ten. �Keep it.�

The man glanced down at the bill. �Thanks, buddy! Have a nice stay.�

Jack nodded and dragged his suitcase and garment bag off the seat as he stepped from the car. The taxi pulled slowly away, the driver mindful of the thick puddle of slush near the curb.

Buttoning his long coat Jack left his luggage with the doorman and walked down the street that paralleled the building. It opened onto a boardwalk, empty but for a scattering of tables and a few hardy souls smoking cigarettes and watching the ice fisherman. As he emerged from the shelter of the wall the wind picked up, lifting and tousling his grey hair and tugging fitfully at the collar of his coat.

He stood for a while squinting against the muted glare of the sun off the clear smooth ice. Piles of crackle surrounded the posts of the docks, evidence of the frequent freeze and thaw that characterized mid winter. The sharp creak and groan of the shifting flows reverberated in the chill air causing him to jump and then glance self-consciously at the passers byes. None of them paid him the slightest interest.

Jesus, some days I wish I were invisible.

Maybe some days I am.

The second thought gave him pause. In the strict non-literal sense he was invisible. His true nature hidden behind crumbling layers of self control. Pushed to the furthest recesses of his consciousness by the imaginative mind of an alien monster. Kept there by his own inability to come out of a self made shell of anxiety.

Jack shook his head and kicked at the ridges of dirty ice that clung to the wooden boardwalk.

�You are your own worst enemy Jack�

Dr. MacKenzie�s words of warning echoed in his thoughts. Jack felt his fists clenching and unclenching in the pockets of his coat. I told him he was wrong, that Baal was the enemy. That Kanan put me in that situation. I would never have done that! How foolish was it to go into a heavily fortified Goa�uld outpost alone! I would never have done that�

But you did Jack, his subconscious retorted, and MacKenzie is more right than you have been able to admit�until now.

His mind shifted to the reasons for his ongoing state of anxiety. Baal was responsible for his panic attacks, for the cold sweats and tremors that shook him from slumber and made him pace the floor. But his fears were broader and deeper than that.

How did I let everything get so far out of hand?

Jack closed his eyes and ran a tired hand across his stiff neck. The tension made his shoulders ache and sent pinpricks of pain shooting through his temples.

Sam I�ve missed you�.

The thought sprang from the nether regions of his mind. Jack swallowed hard and opened his eyes, suddenly desperate to drive back the darkness of guilt and the sorrow of missed chances that her name evoked. He scanned the horizon seeking the sun�s brilliance and finding nothing but shadows as the winter evening approached in an unexpected rush of boiling black clouds.

I�ve missed talking to you. I�ve missed your smile and your laugh. How could I have driven you so far away? What was I thinking?

Jack shook his head and wandered to an empty bench, far removed from the strangers who shared the boardwalk with him. He could hear their murmured conversations and the paranoid part of his mind spun the words about.

Somehow, someway they are talking about me�.

Get a grip, Jack!

Shifting his gaze to the hotel he let his eyes travel the width and height of it. Somewhere up there you are waiting for me, Sam. What did Susan tell you? Does it matter? Did it ever? Have I pushed you so far away with my doubts and fears that you can never get close again?

Jack dropped his gaze to his folded hands red, and raw now with the bite of the stiff breeze. He rubbed them together feeling the prickle of sensation and listening to the sandpaper rub of flesh on cold flesh.

The downward spiral began long before Daniel left. A slow withdrawal, undetectable until his best friend Ascended beyond reach�

My conscience, my sounding board, Daniel I need you now!

His thoughts drifted to Baal�s cell and the presence that was there but not there. A lifeline that he had clung to even as each new session had brought him closer to the brink.

Daniel, I think I could tell you now what I couldn�t tell you the day you Ascended. How important you were and how much I needed your counsel all those years to keep me balanced. You would have understood how much I care for Sam�

What would you have said?

I wish you were here to ask!

Jack leaned back against the bench hugging himself with arms that trembled.

Jesus, it�s cold�

Stop lying to yourself�

Yes the downward spiral began the day I killed you, Sam.

His heart wrenched painfully in his chest and Jack gulped a hitching breath of icy air, gasping as it burned its way into his lungs.

She had seemed so small and vulnerable lying on the bed. The life drained from her still form by his own hand. The hum and whir of machines, droning like incessant angry bees had dredged up painful memories of another hospital room. The lifeless body of his son lying beneath the crisp hospital sheets, his face as pale as the cream coloured walls. For Charlie there had been no miracles but for Sam�

�I was shouting for you to hear��

�We heard.�

God, why didn�t I touch you then? Reach out and hold your hand and never let go. Screw the regs, Hammond and the rest! The whole Goddamn Air Force!

And so it had begun�.

There had been moments. Fleeting glances, a smile, and the brush of flesh to flesh when they dared to stand too close together. But all of them had been merely physical, almost unconscious actions. His heart had stopped the day the Entity nearly took her away.

Can I ever feel again? Can I ever let anyone get that close again?

Charlie, Sara, Daniel and now Sam, all gone in one way or another.

The irony of why he had come to New England brought a wan twisted smile to Jack�s lips. Love was why he had come. A special young woman was getting married tomorrow. A woman who had trusted him, as Daniel had to get her safely out of a mess that no ordinary person would ever have found themselves in. In the process she had listened and guided him back to some semblance of normalcy. He was a different person when he emerged from the cave-in then when the mountain had fallen in on them.

Progress?

Jack shook his head and got stiffly to his feet.

No, not lately, if anything I�ve gone backwards�.

What excuse do I have for driving away everyone who�s tried to help? Is it because no one else has ever gone through such a horror?

It was true he had to admit. No one had ever been tortured to death more times than they could count and ultimately lived to tell the tale.

But does that absolve me?

What of the emotional distance between us Sam? Whose fault is that?

He walked along the boardwalk ignoring the rising bite of the wind and the encroaching darkness.

I�m so tired�

As he walked bits and piece of his many conversations with Dr. MacKenzie flitted through Jack�s mind. He struggled to ignore them and focus his attention on the still lake, the brief final flare of the subdued sunset, anywhere but his innermost thoughts. The battle was a futile one and he was forced to submit to his mental meanderings with a sigh that caught in his throat.

�You�re angry Colonel, do you know why?�

�No, do you?�

�Possibly, but I would rather hear your take on the situation.�

�So would I Doc, so would I��

�There�s something you�re not admitting to me, or yourself isn�t there?�

�Huh?�

�Please, Colonel. I�ve been at this a long time. Let�s not play games.�

�No games.�

�You�re angry.�

Jack brushed a hand across his eyes. His fingers trembled against his lashes and came away damp. The painful litany resumed its playback as he leaned heavily on the guardrail that capped the retaining wall overlooking the water.

�Yes I�m angry��

�Why?�

�Why?� Incredulous �Why am I angry? Why the hell do you think?�

�You tell me.�

�Why the hell should I?�

�Beyond the fact that General Hammond has ordered this psychiatric evaluation due to increasing inconsistencies in your behaviour and based on a recommendation by Dr. Fraiser who has expressed serious concerns about your health in the months following your imprisonment by the Goa�uld system Lord Baal?�

�Well, when you put it that way��

�Colonel, beyond the aforementioned official recommendations I think the reason why you should answer me is quite obvious��

�To you, maybe��

�Tell me why you�re angry, Colonel��

�I was used, dammit! The son of a bitch used me for his own purposes! He took possession of my body and forced me to go back for someone he was too much of a coward to take with him the first time around!�

�And��

And�Oh God there was so much more.

Jack ran a hand through his hair. He blinked rapidly against the wind that swept in chill blasts off the lake and tore at his coat.

�And? You want the whole load don�t you, Doc?�

�Yes, Colonel. Do you honestly think it will do you any good to stop here?�

�I don�t know how much good it�s done me to even start to be honest�.�

�What else, Colonel?�

Softer, almost inaudible, MacKenzie leaning subtly forward as Jack spoke to his folded hands.

�He abandoned me, left me to face that malicious bastard all alone. With only a delusion for company.�

It wasn�t true. Daniel you were there, I know it. But I knew MacKenzie would never believe it�

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. Daniel�s presence in the cell was the one thing he had not shared with MacKenzie and he knew he never would, even if it cost him his career. It would be easier for the psychiatrist to accept that the soul of the archaeologist was nothing more than a coping mechanism created by his tortured mind.

He shook his head. Sam as much as I know you miss him I can�t tell you, not even you�

�Delusion? Dr. Jackson?�

�Yeah��

�You�ve mentioned him before��

�Yeah, he was there, sort of�.�

�There�s more��

�What else do you want from me? Baal tortured me, I died, I woke up, Baal tortured me, I died, I woke up�so it goes!�

�You�re angry?�

�Haven�t we established that?�

�Why?�

�I just told you!�

�There�s more�� quiet, insistent�.

Yes there was more.

Jack pushed away from the railing and began walking rapidly down the path that skirted the shoreline. After a time it broke away and veered into a park. He slipped and slid, his loafers inappropriate for the slushy snow that filled the walkways. The need to walk was paramount. Were he wearing sneakers Jack knew he would have run, headlong and heedless through the streets. He ignored the sharp snap of the wind as he emerged from behind a screen of pines. The tingle of his ears and the numbness in his cheeks did not register in the conscious part of Jack�s mind. He pushed onward as the light of day dwindled at last to a clouded blackness only barely pierced by the amber streetlamps that lined the park and the roadway.

A puddle of milky snow hid a patch of black ice and he slid coming to a painful rest on the knee he had injured six months earlier. Gritting his teeth Jack limped to the doorway of a building and leaned against the brick. He rocked his head against the solid stonework and looked skyward as he massaged his knee with icy fingers.

Where am I going?

MacKenzie�s voice reasserted itself. �You�ve been running for months now Colonel, don�t you think it�s time to stop?�

Another session with the tireless shrink. A statement that had struck so close to the truth that Jack had barely concealed the tremors that emanated from deep within to the tips of his fingers. �I�m not running��

�Colonel�� The word said in a tone that was patient but unyielding.

�I�m not!�

�Until you can be honest then there is no point to further sessions. I will not however, recommend that you be returned to active duty��

�Wait a minute��

�General Hammond has given me complete discretion in this matter, Colonel. If you object to my recommendation then you should take it up with him.�

He hadn�t dared.

Jack put his foot carefully on the ground and tested his weight. The knee protested with a dull ache but did not buckle. He turned back the way he had come. The hotel was the tallest building in the immediate vicinity and he groaned slightly when he saw the distance his impromptu walk had brought him. He considered hailing another cab and discarded the idea with a heavy sigh. Choosing the cleared sidewalks over the mushy pathway Jack headed back towards the hotel his mind a jumble.

I need to think, to sort things in my head. I can�t face them like this, if I had a mirror I couldn�t even face myself right now.

Jesus, its cold!

�Tell me about the sarcophagus, Colonel.�

�What about it?�

�Do you remember what it felt like?�

�I was usually dead when they threw me in the God Damn Thing! I don�t know what it felt like�.� Deep breathes for him while MacKenzie sat patiently waiting out his silent protestations, until finally the words spilled forth in a halting whisper.�It was cold and it hummed. It was really bright whenever I woke up�� deep sigh, more looking at the floor.�I don�t remember much else��

�Did it hurt?�

�Sometimes.�

Jack pushed his hands deeper into his pockets and concentrated on not slipping a second time. His knee throbbed more insistently and he mumbled an oath as he misjudged a curb and landed with a teeth-rattling jar.

Gods yes, sometimes it hurt worse than what Baal had done to put him in there. But more terrifying than the white hot glare of the sarcophagus� interior or the anticipated agony of a new session was the utter loneliness that had nearly suffocated him when he returned to an empty cell. Daniel had been there before but his comforting presence had abruptly vanished without explanation. Jack had been left to ponder the possibility that he had finally gone insane, cracked beneath the unbearable pressure of Baal�s manipulations.

Jack shivered oblivious to the outward cold as he blindly crossed a street.

Despair deeper and wider than he had ever known had washed over him as he had slid to the floor of the cell, certain that at last he was truly alone. That the soul of the sensitive archaeologist had in fact been a figment of his imagination or worse yet a projection dredged from his mind and used to break him in his most vulnerable moments.

�How are you sleeping?�

Laughter, hollow and resigned. �You�re kidding right?�

�No.�

�What day is it? Week? Month?�

�So you�re not sleeping?�

�Sleep�Well I suppose you could call it that, sort of��

�Are you self medicating?�

�Huh?�

�Pills, alcohol?�

�Yeah, sometimes.� No point in lying, you�ll just make me take a piss test.

�I see.�

�Do you? That�s good, because I don�t.�

And so it went.

Jack shortened his stride and turned towards the now empty boardwalk. Thick shadows lay between the streetlights. He paused in one amber pool of light and looked up towards the hotel. The bitter cold had finally penetrated his senses and he was shaking uncontrollably, his teeth chattering and sending lancing pains up through his jaw and into his temples.

I can�t stay out here forever. Sam will be wondering if I made it in okay.

Sam.

Where were you? When I came though that gate�.

Jack firmly shook his head forcing the painful question to the back of his mind.

He crossed to the sidewalk that paralleled the hotel and rounded the corner. The entryway was ablaze with soft white lights and he blinked rapidly trying to adjust from the semidarkness.

�It�s very cold, sir.� The doorman greeted him with a genuine smile and glanced at his bone white hands before adding. �I would be happy to assist you. Are you all right?�

�Yeah, I�ll be fine.� Jack whispered hoarsely. He reached for his bags and winced at the stiffness in his fingers as they curled around the handles. �Where do I check in?�

�Second floor, sir. Are you sure I can�t help you?�

�Yeah, I�m sure.�

Jack walked into the lower lobby and pressed the up arrow by the elegant wood panel doors. The elevator opened with a soft chime and he entered grateful to find it empty. The trip to the second floor took only a few moments. He took a deep breath.

Pull it together...

The doors slid open�

Sam!

*****

Continued in Part Two To Have and to Hold

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