(((HUGS))) and thanks to Karen!
It was so great discussing this story with you and hearing as well as reading your thoughts!
Part One: NOT A DAY GOES BY...
Present Five years after season seven, Past season five
The Past
They were blue.
Bright turquoise with flowing manes of silver hair and lavender eyes, that glittered in the firelight. Multifaceted pupils like a spider�s, they seem to peer right through him.
Jack shivered, the gauzy cling of an invisible web making his skin crawl.
The natives didn�t speak, only stared with those obscene eyes. Groups of them clustered at the edge of the clearing SG-1 had just entered. Some of them standing close together, long spindly legs nearly intertwined as they gazed silently at the intruding humans. Others sat around fire pits heaped with ebony wood that hissed and popped, filling the dusky air with showers of sparks and fitful puffs of pale gray smoke.
�Daniel,� Jack hissed.
�Yeah�um I�m not sure��
�That�s comforting�� Jack turned to Teal�c. The Jaffa was scanning the clearing, his eyes unreadable in the growing blackness. Keeping watch on the silent figures Jack sidled over to his teammate. �Look familiar?� he mumbled.
�I have never encountered this species before O�Neill. However there is a tale among Jaffa warriors of a place such as this�a place real and imagined��
Jack eyebrows climbed towards his hairline, rarely was Teal�c so circumspect, it was more than a little disconcerting. �Care to explain?�
�I cannot. They were stories told to me as a child.�
Jack suppressed the urge to ask what purpose the stories had. The eerie silence that filled the clearing was unnerving enough without contending with Jaffa bedtime tales. He turned his attention to Carter.
She was furtively watching the smallest alien. Jack shifted his gaze in the same direction, wondering what held her interest. The creature in question appeared to be a juvenile. Shorter than the rest, its� rough-cut tunic was much darker than the taller creatures surrounding it. He�she�it, his mind groped for an appropriate term, flitted from fire to fire. At each pit it would pause and stretch a whip thin arm out to one of the beings there. White tipped fingers splayed across the chest of his chosen target. The figures would respond with a twitch of their pale lips if they responded at all, their unblinking gaze remained fixated on SG-1. After repeating the exercise several times, the youth rounded abruptly and started across the clearing towards them.
�Heads up people,� Jack ordered beneath his breath. He could feel the hairs on the nape of his neck prickling painfully against the collar of his jacket. What the hell�
He felt rather than saw his team pull closer together as the alien stopped a couple meters away. It studied them each in turn, their reflections in its bug-like eyes eerily reminiscent of fun house mirrors. Jack had always hated the funhouse. The rubber floors and the spinning room, a high-pitched soundtrack filling the air with manufactured screeches and howls. Walls lined with flickering lights that gave the illusion of slow motion�The whole thing was too creepy for words, not unlike the spindly creature that now fixed its gaze on him.
The fine silver hair that tumbled down the creature�s back fell across its face as it tilted its head. Jack licked suddenly dry lips as it reached up and swept the hair aside. Its pale arm seemed to leave a mirage of itself as it angled in dreamlike slow motion across his vision. The lavender pupils searched his face, drawing his gaze despite his efforts to stay focused on the being�s hands. He sucked in a steadying breath and blinked, attempting to break the creature�s focus. The multifaceted eyes seemed to grow larger and brighter by the second. �Carter�� The word slipped from his lips and he felt her reassuring presence warm by his elbow.
The firelight softened as his vision blurred, narrowing to a single pinprick of sparkling lavender. The alien�s features disappeared, fading to a muted gray. Jack swallowed hard, struggling to pull back from the yawning chasm that opened before him.
He was falling�.
The present
�Jack!�
He jerked awake. A hand was resting lightly on his shoulder. His gaze flickered to the pale skin and he shook his head. A dream�like so many others, Jack thought dully. The hand withdrew and he heard the creak of the bedside chair as his companion got up.
The sun was high in the sky. Its bright summer light bathed his bedroom, washing the color from the furniture and the short nap carpet. Jack closed his eyes, secreting himself behind a haven of dull orange that darkened briefly as a shadow passed by the window.
�I thought I should stop by and check on you. Janet�s been worried.�
�Hasn�t she got anything better to do?� He rolled onto his side, putting his back to the offensive sunlight that poured through the French doors. �I haven�t been hers to worry about for five years.�
Silence.
Good, maybe he left. Jack cracked his eyelids and scowled.
Daniel was standing in the doorway of his bedroom. His pale features were furrowed by a deep frown as he studied Jack over the rim of his glasses. �We haven�t heard from you in a while.� He dropped his gaze and mumbled into his shirt collar. �I called out to you several times, but you didn�t answer.�
Jack snorted derisively and closed his eyes, blocking out the concerned, almost pitying expression in his friend�s eyes. �I was sleeping, Daniel,� he muttered. Memo to myself, move that damn spare key!
He heard the soft hiss of Daniel�s shoes on the carpet as the younger man shifted his weight against the doorframe. �You were restless when I came upstairs�called out��
Jack�s breath froze in his throat. �I did?� What did I say? He bit the question back before it could pass his dry lips.
Daniel heard it anyway, intuition born of too many years of friendship. �You said�Carter.� The name hung in the air, settling to the carpet with a dull thump that echoed with the sudden pounding of Jack�s heart.
�No, you�re mistaken,� he whispered faintly.
�No. I don�t think so.�
�Daniel�� he protested weakly as he rolled to a sitting position.
�Jack��
Digging his toes into the carpeting, Jack let his head rest in his hands. Carter�the name brought a chronic ache to his heart. How many: years, months, days, hours, since she had been ripped from them all. Her life ended by a meaningless lab accident after more missions than he cared to remember.
�You were dreaming about her?� Daniel queried softly. He ventured back into the bedroom and Jack felt the bed sag as he settled on the end of it. �About Sam?�
Jack struggled to recall the particulars of where he had been in the moments before the sunlight poured across his vision. As always, they had vanished like smoke before the wind. Even if he could remember, he had no intention of sharing the details with Daniel, no matter how hard he pressed. The dream, nightmare, recurred almost nightly now. Drawing him back to a mission that in the grand scheme of things was essentially meaningless, except for one brief incident. The incident itself eluded all Jack�s efforts to recall it, but somehow it was important, more important than anything had been since his retirement.
�Jack?�
�What?� he snapped. Daniel sucked in a startled breath and Jack felt instantly guilty, but only a little. He hadn�t asked for company. �Sorry,� he murmured softly.
�It�s okay�I guess I should have waited until a little later to stop by.�
Jack raised his head and looked at the clock on the bedside table. Half hidden by a bottle of aspirin the time read o Nine hundred. �No, I should get up anyway,� he replied. It would ease Daniel�s conscience if he made an effort, in truth he could care less. Gone were the days when he rose at four thirty in the morning and drove to the mountain on empty streets. There had been nothing to rouse him from his stupor for far too long. Each day seemed to flow in an endless montage of gray lifeless pictures. Occasional spots of color in the guise of friendly faces would pass through his existence. Always there was sadness though. Wistful expressions, pitying half hidden looks. Voices that spoke too softly, hands that brushed across his arms and butterfly kisses from those who loved him like a father or a brother.
�Why don�t you come for dinner tonight? Cassie will be there��
Cassie. His goddaughter now grown, married and divorced with a daughter all her own. Jack climbed wearily to his feet. Hitching his sweats up around his waist he crossed to the French doors and pulled them open.
The soft buzz of insects hovering close against the warm walls of the house filled his ears as he wandered barefooted onto the back deck. Grasshoppers sprang in the tall un-mown grass. Yellow and white moths drank greedily from the puddles formed in the bobbing heads of his bearded irises, their ragged blooms nearly lost amid the weeds. Jack scrubbed wearily at his face and stared sightlessly towards the back fence that separated his yard from his neighbor�s. He could hear Daniel in his bedroom, wandering back and forth between the master bath and the bed. The thump of shoes being thrown in a corner, the scrape of the wicker hamper being opened and closed. �You�d make someone a nice mother, Daniel,� he quipped.
�Thanks,� Daniel answered. The good-natured jibe didn�t prevent him from making the bed.
�What if I wasn�t finished with that?� Jack protested at the rustle of the sheets.
�You are,� Daniel assured.
Jack could feel himself rebelling at his friend�s take charge approach but it was too much effort to complain any further. There�s always the couch, his subconscious pointed out. He smirked and leaned on the deck railing with a heavy sigh. The dry wood creaked beneath his weight but he did not pull away. The railing much like his weary frame, was worn out and exhausted.
Finished with his maternal ministrations, Daniel joined him on the deck. He settled into the chair against the wall and propped his feet up on the table in the corner. �So what are you going to do today?�
Jack snorted. �Why do you care?� He didn�t turn around. Daniel�s all too familiar frown floated before his eyes. He could feel the younger man�s blue eyes dark with confusion and concern resting on his back. �I don�t know,� he admitted quietly as he stared at his clasped hands. �The same thing I�ve been doing for five years now.
�How�s the book coming?�
A brittle laugh escaped Jack�s lips and he winced at the sound. �I haven�t turned on the computer for a month.�
�Oh.�
�Yeah.� He heard his friend shift in the chair, clear his throat and shift again. �Go home, Daniel,� he mumbled softly.
�Jack, come to dinner tonight. Cassie won�t be in town much longer.� He paused. �Have you even seen her this time around?�
�No.�
Daniel clicked his tongue. �You won�t believe how big Jeanie has gotten,� he enthused.
Jack swallowed the lump that formed instantly in his throat. Cassie�s little girl�Jean Samantha was her given name, but she had gone by Jeanie since she was a baby. She would always be Sam in Jack�s mind, just as Cassie had intended. Her nickname was like so many other things in his life. His friends had chosen the gentlest approach, never referring to her middle namesake in his presence. He scowled inwardly. Being treated with kid gloves was galling but a part of him that he rarely acknowledged was secretly grateful for their thoughtfulness, though he could only admit it to the bottom of a beer glass. �I�m sure I won�t,� he agreed in a rough voice.
The warm summer breeze fanned his cheeks and sent wisps of white hair dancing across his vision. Jack brushed them aside. �I�ll think about it,� he promised.
Daniel climbed to his feet and crossed the deck to stand by his elbow. �Really?�
�Yes really, go home to your wife,� Jack snapped. He couldn�t help the bitterness, in his voice and he hoped Daniel would understand.
�I�m going.�
Jack shivered at the light touch on his back. The hand lingered for a long reassuring moment and then drifted away. Daniel left the porch closing the French doors in his wake. A few moments later his car roared to life in the drive. Jack released a shuddering sigh of relief as he pulled onto the quiet street and drove away.
Alone with his thoughts, he pushed off the railing and slumped into the vacated chair. Jean Samantha�Sam had missed her birth by less than a month. Cassie had chosen to honor the memory of her Godmother by giving the child her name. When Jack heard the news he had holed up in his cabin for a week, struggling to come to grips with the whole idea. He couldn�t help feeling angry and bitter that Sam would never know the joys of interacting with her namesake. Grief so deep it nearly drove him mad, clawed and fought within his soul. The unfairness and futility of the whole situation were almost more than he could handle. In the end rationality had silenced the anger and pushed the grief into a dark corner of his heart, where it still resided. The baby�s name came to be a link to the woman he had loved and lost. When he could finally face the world again, he had gone to visit the new mother. Around the lump in his throat he told Cassie how pleased he was with her choice. She hadn�t said anything but simply embraced him for a long moment while the baby cooed and burbled, filling the room with the special peace only an infant can bestow.
Jeanie had a full shock of flaming red hair that had become fuller and darker as she grew into an energetic toddler. The dissolution of Cassie�s short lived marriage seem to pass right by the active youngster, the one bright aspect to an otherwise difficult time for everyone concerned. Jack leaned his head against the house wall and scowled.
Jason, Cassie�s ex, had been a hairs breadth away from a sound beating by all of the men in Cassie�s life, General Hammond included. Given Jack�s emotional state it was truly a wonder the young man still walked upright. The marriage had been a turbulent one, and none of them could be sure just how far Jason had gone with his abusive behaviors. When the dust finally settled, he had only scant visitation with Jean Samantha and Jack was under court order to keep his distance from the younger man. It was an order he was content to obey so long as Cassie remained unmolested.
He sat forward rubbing his stiff neck with sandpaper fingers. How long had it been since he had seen Cassie? It was a troubling thought. She had been so much a part of their lives for so long, how could he let himself fall so far out of touch?
�Jack, come to dinner��
Daniel�s invitation echoed in his thoughts. A groan of frustration escaped Jack�s lips. �Just leave me alone,� he protested to the empty yard. The leaves of the trees rustled in response. �Pathetic old fool! Sitting here talking to the wind,� he muttered in disgust. He raised his head and opened his eyes
A large tan spider hung suspended from the eaves. It floated across his vision, gently swaying with the puff of the breeze. Jack blinked and sucked in a startled breath as the eight eyes skittered across his face. Flashes of the dream�nightmare�reflected in their mirrored surface freezing the air in his lungs. With a strangled noise he leapt from his seat, clawing at the dangling creature with desperate fingers until he was successful at flinging it into the bushes below the deck. �Jesus!�
The harsh bark of his voice echoed off the back fence making him jump a second time. �For Christ sakes Jack! Get a grip!� The muttered admonishment did little to subdue the pounding of his heart and the sharp rasp of his breathing. �It�s just a harmless spider�� Of course the aliens on P3�whatever�had appeared just as harmless until the nightmares.
Jack pushed open the French doors, wincing as they thudded heavily against the chair in the bedroom. Leaving them ajar, he strode into the bathroom and splashed several handfuls of cold water onto his sweaty face.
Spiders�
After returning from the mission on P3�whatever. Jack had found himself possessed of an irrational fear of the eight legged arachnids. The bulging, multifaceted pupils of the blue aliens haunted his dream for months. The surreal scene in the clearing replayed with precise detail, always ending with him falling into unconsciousness. He knew he was missing something but the other members of SG-1 could not shed any light on the situation. None of them had blacked out and his subtle questions had earned him concern, especially from Carter, but little else.
Now after seven years they were back, intangible fantasies that teased his memory with hints of something long forgotten, or never realized? Why now, Jack wondered.
He looked up, studying his reflection in the dim light that seeped in around the bathroom door. His hair had turned completely white in the last five years. A permanent frown furrowed his brow, and his bronze skin had turned rough and craggy, salted with silver stubble on his chin. Only his eyes seemed alive, filled with restlessness and shadowed by demons he wished long dead.
�Oh yeah, Daniel. I�ll scare the hell out of the kid,� he muttered darkly into the silence. Shaking his head Jack turned from the mirror and walked back into the bedroom. He turned to the large closet at the foot end of the bed. The doors squeaked as he pulled them open. Inside, beneath a couple of coats and a ratty blanket, was a file cabinet jammed to capacity with folders both classified and declassified. The fact that he was breaking the law by harboring such materials in his home had ceased to hold any importance to him long ago.
Jack knelt in front of the cabinet and began to turn the ancient lock. When had he stopped caring? The thought tumbled through his mind even as the lock clicked and released, allowing the drawer to pop slightly. The when was easy he realized with a hitching sigh, the day Sam died. He shoved the thought aside unwilling to deal with the dull pain her name brought instantly to his heart. He began to sort through the materials with a renewed energy, tinged with desperation.
The chaos of the cabinet was deliberate on his part. If anyone ever managed to break into his home and discover what he had, they would have to steal the whole drawer in order to find anything of use. Jack smirked at the thought. His mind, like the files, was carefully ordered and his fingers found the documents unerringly.
He couldn�t blame the return of the dreams on the files, Jack mused as he climbed wearily to his feet and walked to the chair by the doors. He hadn�t pulled them out since copying and filing them before his retirement five years previous. Even then his examination had been cursory, just enough to decide where to stick them in the drawer.
Avoidance? Fear? Disinterest? The whys and wherefores of his behavior flitted through Jack�s mind as he settled into his seat and flipped open the folder with the SGC logo emblazoned on it. Sometime after retiring he had switched entirely from handwritten notes to computers. Was it a subconscious effort to disengage from an old and painful life that did not bear contemplating? �Pop psyche 101,� he muttered beneath his breath.
P3R-298, that was it he thought dimly, was scrawled on the first of several hand written pages detailing his initial observations. The typed portion of the report had been filed weeks later after hours of hunt and peck. He had forced himself to become an adequate typist over the years, but not a speedy one. Fortunately, General Hammond had been willing to be somewhat lenient regarding his final report. Written notes had always been fine for mission debriefings, a fact that Jack was still immensely grateful for.
The summer sunlight grew uncomfortably warm on his face and Jack was forced to move from his window seat to the more shaded living room on the main floor. Walking down the stairs, his nose buried in the old report, he was pleasantly surprised to smell coffee and the faint odor of something sweet drifting out of the kitchen. He dropped the paperwork on the coffee table and followed his nose to a pair of muffins on a plate in the center of the table. �Daniel�� he smiled wanly. Ever sensitive despite his constant gruff rejoinders his friend had left him the light breakfast. He took a bite of the homemade muffin and nodded slightly in appreciation. Becoming a grandmother had honed Janet�s baking skills to a fine art that Jack gratefully enjoyed as he walked back into the living room.
He settled onto the couch and put the coffee on the side table, well away from the paperwork. Choosing to ignore the later typed report in favor of its fresher more personal predecessor, Jack picked up the handwritten pages. His mind drifted back as he perused his notes and slowly chewed the moist muffin.
February 2 2002
�It�s warm here. Feels like high summer in Minnesota, but without the bugs. In fact, there�s no insects at all. We could hear birds as we walked through the forest, but none of us saw any. The trees here are huge! Big honkin� monstrosities, coal black with smooth bark. Carter took a sample, of course! Daniel�s been prattling on about possible hidden alien temples or ruins since we got here. The place feels old somehow and kind of creepy. He could be right�
Jack took a sip of coffee. How prophetic his statements had been. Neither the M.A.L.P. nor the U.A.V. had given any indication of the aliens they would eventually encounter after two days of searching the virgin forest. His notes had been written by firelight while he tried to ignore Daniel and Sam�s enthusiastic discussion concerning the South American rainforest. A subject that concerned him morally, but had become simply irritating when faced with sore feet and knees due to their brisk march across the rough terrain of the forest floor.
He shook his head. It was odd that he could remember the details of that mission so easily, but could barely remember what he ate for dinner the night before. Age, or something a bit more sinister at work, Jack shrugged and tried not to think about it.
February 3, 2002
�There�s two natural satellites for this planet. Both of which were full last night. Lit the forest up like daylight, I don�t think I slept more than five minutes. The length of a planetary day seems to be about 20 hours and the gravity here is a bit higher than we�re used to, even Teal�c seems to be feeling it. We�ve walked about 12 klicks from the Stargate. I�m planning on completing a circular, perimeter pattern today pack it in tomorrow. Still looking for those hidden buildings Daniel is insisting on. I wish he would just accept that not every place is going to be an archeologists dream!
Poor Daniel. The majority of SG-1�s missions over the two years since Sha�re passed away had involved alien treachery, conspiracy and simple combat. There had been little to stimulate the sensitive young man�s professional curiosity. Now, years later, Jack could sympathize with his yearnings in a way that was impossible in the frantic heat of the war with the Goa�uld. He drained his coffee and flipped to the next page of the report.
February 3, 2002
�No way in hell I�m going to admit I was wrong. Daniel is already gloating and we haven�t even unearthed the entrance to the�what the hell is that�a tomb I guess. The cairn of stones topped with a rotted wooden carving looked pretty odd in the middle of the forest, but then this whole place is pretty surreal. (attach Daniel�s drawing) Seems like things have gotten quieter and quieter the longer we�re here. I wonder if we scared off the local critters? Hard to be too quiet while hacking a path with a hatchet. One good thing, there doesn�t seem to be any Goa�uld hiding out here. Carter tested the soil, no traces of naquada Daniel�s wondering why the ancients would place a gate on the world in the first place. Good question, Danny Boy, wish I knew.
I�ve about had it. It�s getting late. We�re due for check in tomorrow morning at 0700�
Jack dropped the report and returned to the kitchen. Looking longingly at his empty plate, he poured himself a second cup of coffee. Cup in hand, he resumed his seat on the couch. He picked up the report and felt his stomach do a slow painful flip as he noted where he left off. Swallowing hard he resumed his reading, struggling to control his growing uneasiness.
�I told Carter to make camp. While we were breaking out the gear, Teal�c smelled smoke. Seems a bit out of place for a supposedly empty planet. We�re going to investigate�
It was a logical precaution. The smoke had drifted into their midst as the hot sun had begun to set. It seemed to hang on the long shadows cast by the brilliant magnetic shafts of light that penetrated the forest. A dull haze tinted with a spicy scent he couldn�t quite label, exotic but not unpleasant. They had followed the smoke until they discovered the group of aliens in the clearing.
The memory sent a shiver chasing up Jack�s abruptly sweaty back. He put the coffee cup hastily on the table by his elbow, wincing as the hot liquid sloshed across his shaking fingers. He glanced down at the report. The writing after the incident was unusually sloppy, even for him. Written in haste, the terse scrawl held no more answers then the constant replay he had been enduring for over a week in his dreams.
�Carter says I was out for about a half hour. Teal�c carried me back to the campsite tonight. Got to remember to thank him for that, maybe a trip to the Jell-O Pit? I don�t remember much, just those damn eyes! Jesus I�ve never liked spiders�gotta fumigate when I get home! The little one he sort of reached out and�touched me somehow. I can�t explain it, don�t know what I�m going to say during the debrief�
Jack closed the folder with a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. What was so important about a bunch of gangly blue aliens on a world they had never revisited? P3R-298 had proven to hold little of scientific value. Soil, air and plant samples did not contain any dangerous toxins, nor did they harbor the cure for AIDS or a remedy for the common cold. Mineral surveys yielded only relatively common metals, although a vein of fool�s gold had raised eyebrows for a few moments. He absently traced the raised SGC logo on the front of the folder with one finger as he stared with unfocused eyes at the ceiling.
The gap in his memory had concerned Doctor Fraiser and General Hammond far more than himself. After enduring time inversions, wormhole mishaps, gravity waves and a host of other anomalies, what were a few lost minutes? Still, she had kept him cooped up in the Infirmary for two days while she ran every test she could think of. In the end there was no explanation and she had reluctantly turned him loose, much to his relief. Jack shook his head, the ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. Teal�c had enjoyed his visit to the Jell-O Pit, despite the loss of one new shirt due to a stain that just wouldn�t come out.
The incident had faded to a dusty corner of his mind as other more pressing matters took precedence. The nightmares persisted but he ignored them, blaming his drained appearance on too many nights spent catching up on back reports, and the hockey finals. Eventually Carter and the rest of SG-1 had stopped asking. The smile faded as Jack dropped his gaze to his hands, which were now folded on the blue folder in his lap. Sam had watched him for weeks, silently vigilant. As usual she had not bought his excuse, a fact he had found more and more comforting as time passed. In the absence of an open and honest relationship they had settled into a situation that teased the limits of the regulations that they could not face, let alone break.
Jack felt her eyes whenever he entered a room, sensed her drawing imperceptivity closer if they sat side by side. Whenever they were off-world, he found a way to be near her. Not quite within the confines of her personal space, but close enough to feel the warmth of her presence. The tingle of her shoulder brushing against his and the smell of her hair were enough to sustain and reassure. They weren�t fooling anyone he was sure. General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser had both made comments to that affect. But orders unvoiced, reprimands unwritten, were easy to ignore.
Daniel�s Ascension had been the first real test to a relationship unrealized beyond the scope of a few stolen moments. It had driven a wedge between them high and wide and filled with pain. Unwilling and unable to let it tear them apart they had eventually bridged the gulf. What could not bloom in the light of day would not be squelched by grief and guilt. Their resolution to the issues brought on by sorrow and anger had been unspoken. Looks and brief stolen touches sufficed for words though Jack had yearned to feel free enough to share his emotional devastation with her. He knew from the anguish in her voice that day in the SGC corridor that she felt the same. But words had eluded them both. After his capture and torture by Baal they found even more reason to not stray far from one another, but still there was silence. Her eyes had mirrored her sadness and regret when she gazed down at him in the Infirmary following his rescue. Words unspoken by themselves or others were constantly hanging in the air. Still it was a situation he could live with, at least in the short term�
Short term�
That was what he had told himself for two years. During the long year of Daniel�s absence and then after his return, it was only supposed to be short term. The war with the Goa�uld wouldn�t last forever. When they were finally pummeled into ashes he could retire. There would be time for them�
It hadn�t worked out that way�
�This is pointless,� he whispered into the empty room. The lab accident had been simply that, an accident. What good would it do to dredge up those painful images and replay them yet again? Living through it once was more than enough�
Jack threw the folder on the table and followed the action with a kick that flipped the innocent piece of furniture on its side. Magazines and newspapers went sliding across the hardwood floors, their pages rattling in protest. He dropped his head into his hands. The heels of his palms ground into his eye sockets sending stars and flashes of red angry light skittering across his vision.
The accident he had relived a thousand times�His fault. His anger had pushed her into hiding in her lab for the afternoon�Stupid stubborn pride, the inability to let her help him work through one of the most painful days of the year.
�Why won�t you talk to me?� Bright blue eyes blinked away the tears that teetered at their edges. �After everything we�ve gone through you still won�t let me in?� Hurt turning to disgust at his continued silence, �Why?�
�Carter, leave it alone!� Rising to his feet behind the mountain of paperwork that filled his desk to overflowing. �I usually go on leave around now�up to the lake where I can be alone!�
�Where you can hide�� Her tone flat, accusatory, heavy with under lying concern.
�Yes, what the hell is wrong with that?� Throwing the files on the desk like a petulant child, the color rising in his cheeks as he swallowed the lump in his throat. �This isn�t something I can share with you guys. Don�t you get that yet? I�m not Daniel, I don�t talk!�
�Yeah I guess that�s the problem, isn�t it?�
Words that responded to far more than the issue at hand, a discussion they had never had. �Carter��
�You know what? Screw it, for that matter, screw you!� Her tone like ice tears burning down her pale cheeks as she spun away from him.
�Major!� the order she ignored as she stalked down the hall. Him leaning out the door and ducking hurriedly back at the odd look from the two technicians walking towards him. �Damn you Carter!� Words he ground out in anger and frustration. An afternoon spent staring at the walls instead of catching up on the reports he had to finish before he could leave�hide�at the lake�
�Stop it.� The whispered words were filled with desperation as Jack rose to his feet and paced the floor.
Their last conversation�
Two hours passed before he gave up. Hammond would have to wait for his reports! He went to the locker room and pulled out the cigar box hidden beneath his spare shirt and a pair of sneakers. Pictures of Charlie, his smiling son covered in mud, later holding a baseball bat and glove. Images of happiness that brought a dull throbbing ache to his chest. Nine years gone, September 13, 1800 hours. He raised his eyes to stare at the ceiling, his throat dry and constricting the words that fought to pass his lips. �Jesus Sam, I wish I could��
A dull rumble sent a chill down Jack�s spine as the box tumbled from his grasp. He dashed from the room to the sound of klaxons blaring and the thunder of running men and women. His vision painted crimson by the emergency flashers. He knew by the timbre of the sound, which floor, which end of the complex...
�Come on!� Elevator was slow. He was thankful that the car was empty as he paced back and forth until the doors parted and released him into chaos. Smoke billowing in acrid clouds filled the hallways. People gasping and choking all around him as they fought to escape the fumes. He could hear the hiss of the fire suppression system and the burble of murmured orders as crews moved in to contain the disaster.
�What happened here?� His command sharp and clear, burying his fears.
�Explosion in the lab, Sir.� The tech looked harried and unsure.
He placed a hand on the man�s shoulder partly to reassure him and partly to hide the tremors that were building within. �Which lab?�
The man looked crestfallen. �Major Carter�s, Sir.�
Sam!
His heart slammed in his chest as he pushed his way through the exodus of people. Teal�c met him at the entrance, his normally placid features twisted with emotions that sent bolts of terror through him. �Stand aside!� His words sharp and insistent, the Jaffa did not budge.
�O�Neill�No.�
The hesitant tone in the larger man�s voice sent Jack�s heart plummeting to his toes. The tremors exploded in waves that coursed up and down his whole body. He stood trembling like a twig in the wind. Beyond the Jaffa, spurts of flame could be seen amid the water and chemical mist. White coats flashed across his vision and ducked from sight. Teal�c�s hand on his shoulder, pushing him firmly but gently until his back was against the opposite wall. He could feel his knees sagging beneath him and he swallowed hard. Teal�c returned to the doorway his eyes black and unreadable. Stark contrast to the storm of emotions that had raged there only seconds earlier.
�Carter?� His voice was a ragged whisper like a breath of wind in his ear.
Teal�c shook his head.
Jack rubbed his arms and walked to the doors that opened onto the deck. The sunlight was warm against his face, drying the sudden dampness from his cheeks. It was a welcome, comforting feeling but did little to drive the chill from his heart. She had left his office angry with him, frustrated and resentful of his inability to share his pain with her. God I wish I could have done that for you, Sam, for you and for myself. You weren�t asking very much, why couldn�t I see that then? Were you reaching out to me, trying to tell me that finally you were ready for more?
�Sir?� Janet�s voice soft and professional, but she couldn�t hide the sadness in her eyes when she found him in the lab pouring over the debris. �You can see her now?�
�Will she be alright?� She did not answer and he stepped closer, putting a hand on her shoulder, as much for his sake as hers. �Janet?� Her name said in a whisper, drawing them both to a place of friendship, beyond rank and regulations. �Talk to me��
�No, she�s in a coma.�
�People wake up from comas all the time��
�Jack, not this time. The chemicals she was working with, they�ve altered her brain chemistry. There�s no way to remedy it. Add to that the effects of the explosion�� She shook her head and sucked in a deep tremulous breath. �Not this time.� Her hand found his and she squeezed it. �Go to her now, there�s no one else there. I made sure of it.�
�What about Jacob�the Tok�ra?�
�There isn�t time�go.�
His legs like rubber as he walked the now quiet hallways. Taking the stairs to clear his head, he jogged up them two at a time, pushing his aging knees and drawing strength from their painful protest. He would smile, order her to wake up, tell her�what? That he cared? That he loved her? Yes that was it. Finally irrevocably he would lay his cards on the table. That would bring her around.
The nurse met him at the doorway. Her crisp whites were stained with ash and crimson blood. He stopped cold at her appearance. She looked as washed out and weak as he felt. �I�ll be right outside, Sir,� she whispered.
He nodded too stunned to speak and stepped cautiously into the room.
She was dressed in hospital white. The residue of smoke and blood had been cleansed from her pale face, leaving only a nasty chemical welt on her cheek. �Sam?� In his mind he saw the large blue eyes fly open, the twitch of her lips as she suppressed a smile at his concern. �Sam,� he tried again. She did not respond. The respirator sucked and hissed, forcing air into her lungs. The heart monitor blipped erratically. His breath caught in his throat whenever it paused for too long. �Wake up, dammit! It isn�t supposed to end this way!� His voice was a desolate whisper, pleading with her still form. No, this wasn�t how it was supposed to be! �You can�t die on me now�I�ll retire I swear to God. There will be time for us.� He dropped his eyes to the floor as he approached the bed and sank into the nearby chair. �We can go fishing, Carter.� Again his imagination rose to the occasion filling his mind with her bemused chuckle, a glint of something unnamed in her soft gaze. �I love you Sam Carter, don�t you know that?�
The blips on the monitor faded abruptly. In moments he was thrust aside by the nurse and a frantic Doctor Fraiser. Orders were swapped in carefully modulated tones the words meant nothing to him. He stared transfixed as Sam�s body rose and fell beneath the paddles, an unnatural imitation of her fluid grace. Seconds stretched into minutes until finally the bodies of the med staff drifted away leaving him alone with Janet and Sam�s lifeless form.
�I�m sorry�oh God I�m sorry.� The strong professional presence that normally carried the doctor through almost any crisis fled like leaves before the wind. She sagged against him, her tiny frame convulsing with her grief and frustration. His arms mechanically rubbed her back as he bowed his chin into her hair. Numbness swept over him, loss so great it defied definition, resisted any attempt to touch it. A darkness that encompassed the room blocking out anything but the silence and the sound of Janet�s tears�
Jack stepped onto the deck and drank in great lungefuls of the cleansing air. The memories were so vivid they filled his nostrils with the smell of smoke and disinfectant. The acrid fumes of unnamed chemicals and burnt electrical elements. He shook his head and cast about for something to draw his attention back to the present. It wouldn�t do any good to linger on what had happened, there were no answers to his questions, there never would be.
Sometime in the ensuing hours of garden work Jack made the decision to accept Daniel�s offer. He didn�t know how or when only that he found himself in the shower late in the afternoon, scrubbing the grass and oil stains from his hands with a wire brush and shaving the four days of growth off his face.
After pummeling himself red with water that was too hot, he stepped into the steamy bathroom and rubbed the mirror clean with one hand. His blind shaving job had caused a painful nick in his chin. �Idiot,� he chastised himself as one ruby drop of blood welled to the surface. He dabbed at the cut until it was dry and then walked into the bedroom. The open file cabinet had been forgotten, or perhaps avoided was the better term, during his labors. The need to keep busy and focused had been paramount. A broken lawnmower and a pair of dull hedge shears had sufficed to occupy his brain during the long hours since rereading the report. Now as he stood in front of the closet, Jack felt his thoughts drifting inexorably back to the reason he had opened the drawer in the first place and all the emotional turmoil that followed. Shoving the thoughts forcibly aside, he grabbed the old black leather jacket from on top of the cabinet and shut the closet door with a grunt. Tonight he would be happy, he told himself. He would smile and play with Jeanie, act the surrogate grandfather for Cassie�s sake.
Later was soon enough for the dreams�
The smell of backyard barbeque was in the air when he pulled up in front of the small, white ranch style house that Daniel and Janet now shared. He parked his truck on the street and followed his nose. Rounding the corner of the garage, he paused and leaned on the fence that encircled the backyard. The scene before him seemed as carefully choreographed as any Spielberg film. For a moment Jack couldn�t help wondering if they knew that he was watching, somehow sensing the decision that had been so hard in coming to him.
Cassie was laying on a lounge, her daughter asleep on her chest. The sunlight played in the toddler�s hair, painting the wispy strands copper and gold where they fell in soft waves across her pink jumper. Janet was setting the table, chatting with Cassie in a soft, cheery voice punctuated frequently by laughter, while Teal�c and Daniel talked companionably by the smoking grill. Jack sighed, a part of him wanted to walk away from the happy scene. It was all too �Leave it to Beaver� for his taste. As fake and plastic as the lawn ornaments that decorated the neighboring yard. But he had promised Daniel he would think about it, and on the drive across town he had made a firm resolution to himself that he would stay, at least for a while. Show his face so they would feel at ease.
Now standing by the fence he wondered if it had been a good idea after all. Memories filled with sadness and regret weren�t conducive to upbeat conversation. He knew he couldn�t hide the circles under his eyes and the skin that stretched too tight across his sallow features. These people who knew and loved him would see right past the fa�ade�
�Jack!�
The decision was made for him by Daniel�s friendly wave and call. Jack plastered a smile on his face and stepped through the gate. His friend�s good-natured shout woke Jeanie from her nap. She fussed on her mother�s chest and then pushed herself upright on chubby arms to stare blinking at her surroundings. The toddler�s eyes grew wide as she took in his lanky form. Jack paused in his approach. Am I that bad, he wondered silently as she continued to stare timidly in his direction. Cassie whispered reassurances in her ear while offering Jack a wide welcoming grin over the tot�s head. Recognition slowly dawned in Jeanie�s eyes and she stretched her arms towards him, her little mouth puckered into a pink moist O.
�Hi, munchkin,� he murmured softly offering her an inviting smile as he took her in his arms. She touched his face and then fiddled with the collar of his black T-shirt. Her eyes were huge and brilliant blue as she silently gazed back at him. Jack�s heart skipped a beat and he suppressed a regretful sigh as he pushed the sweaty hair from her face. Jeanie spotted the beads that encircled his wrist. She tugged at them, her fat little fingers bumping along their smooth surface. A huge grin erupted at the odd feel of the beads. �You like those, huh?�
She nodded emphatically, her whole body bobbing with her enthusiasm.
Jack shifted her weight so she could get a better grip on his free wrist. She spun the bracelet, her eyes sparkling with mischief as the sunlight bounced off the smooth surfaces of the dark brown beads.
�Pretty?�
Again the nod.
He kissed her hair and looked down at Cassie who was watching slyly from her place on the lounge. �Does she talk?� he asked cautiously.
Cassie giggled, sounding less like a worn out mother and more like the teen he remembered. �Yes she talks, of course. She�s my kid!�
�Silly question then,� he replied with a grin.
�Jack, glad you could make it.� Daniel touched his shoulder.
�Daniel,� he acknowledged while keeping his gaze riveted on the toddler who had become suddenly fascinated by the hairs on his arm. �Easy, sweetie.�
�O�Neill, it is good to see you again. It has been too long.� The Jaffa approached and bowed his head slightly a warmth lighting his dark eyes.
�Teal�c, it�s like old home week around here.�
Teal�c raised an eyebrow but did not ask about the clich�.
Jeanie began to fuss and Jack reluctantly returned her to her mother. Without the toddler to amuse he felt suddenly vulnerable. The group of friends that surrounded him was more intimidating than he expected. Their silence demanding that he speak, share what he had been doing with his time. Unfortunately his answers would only raise more questions.
How could he tell them that his days were taken up by simply existing? He had never started the book Daniel asked about, mainly because the task was overwhelmingly complicated once he had begun to seriously consider the idea. His computer files were filled with notes that would never come to fruition. What would they think if they knew he was considering putting his Minnesota cabin up for sale? Going fishing had lost its appeal after Sam died. Though she had never actually gone up there and fished with him, it had become a symbol of their relationship. Isolated as they had been from one another over the long years of denial, but comforting simply because it was there, like she had been. Filled with a wildness that refused to be tamed, a passion that could not be denied or quelled by the rigors of life.
He hadn�t been in over a year.
�Jack?�
He flinched at the soft touch on his elbow. Janet was looking up at him with troubled eyes. �Huh? Oh sorry, I was thinking.� Way to cover Jack, he thought bitterly.
She nodded slightly and gestured to the table. �Come, sit down.�
He crossed to the picnic table, which was draped with a green and white tableclothe. Cassie had settled on one side of it, Jeanie bouncing contentedly on her lap. The young mother watched him for a long moment. her brown eyes unreadable. Without noticeably shifting her attention, her hand shot out to snag the ketchup bottle Jeanie reached for. She placed it further back on the table.
�Nice catch,� Jack remarked lightly.
�Practice,� she replied. �You look like hell, Jack.�
He shook his head, a pale, wry smile tugging at his lips. �Who taught you to be such a smart-ass?�
�The master.�
�Nice to know you listened at least once in a while.�
�Of course, who else would teach me how to skip stones, play hockey, or spit!� She laughed softly at the embarrassed flush that rose in his cheeks. �I always listened,� she added in a more serious tone.
�I�m glad someone did.� The words were out before he could stop them. Cassie looked at him quizzically but chose to ignore the comment, much to his relief. �How�s things, Cass?�
�Things, life and such? Um�okay for the most part.�
�Jason keeping his distance?� He felt a rush of paternal concern tinged with anger at what had been done to the only daughter he would ever have.
�Yes, things are fine. As a matter of fact he moved out of state, so he only sees Jeanie when he comes to see his parents. Every couple months or so.� She smirked in obvious disgust. �He�s a real mama�s boy, wish the hell I had been paying attention��
�Not your fault, Cass,� Jack denied quietly. She had been through too much in her young life to live in guilt, and she wouldn�t if he had anything to say about it.
�I don�t want to talk about my ex if you don�t mind.�
�I don�t mind.� He reached out and stroked the top of Jeanie�s head. The toddler looked up and smiled again. A wide gap toothed grin that made his heart ache.
�Jaaaaacccckkkkkkk,� she burbled in a high singsong.
�Yes, sweetie.�
�Jaaaaaaccccckkkkkk,� she repeated, pleased with her new game.
He chucked her chin and mirrored her smile with a silly one of his own, eliciting a giggle that sent her whole body into a quiver. �She�s a dream, Cass, I can�t believe how much she�s grown.�
�I can�t believe how long it�s been.� Cassie replied, her tone light but reproving. �Where have you been hiding yourself? Aren�t you sick of fishing yet?�
Jack swallowed the urge to lie. Cassie was no different than the rest of his friends who had somehow become conspicuously absent as they reminisced. She would see through any fa�ade he tried to raise, she always had. When had he become so transparent? The idea filled him with renewed sadness. Maybe things had always been this way, he was simply more aware than ever before. The days ahead were shorter than the days behind, all things more pronounced in the light of time and years. �I haven�t gone fishing in a long time, Cass,� he admitted softly.
She blinked in surprise but covered by busying herself with a suddenly active toddler. �Down!� Jeanie demanded.
�Go see Grammie,� she urged.
�Over here, Jeaniebug!� Janet called from the porch.
�Grammie!� The toddler wobbled across the lawn to her waiting arms.
Jack turned back from watching her progress to find Cassie studying him beneath half closed eyelids. A frown creased her features as she fiddled with the salt and pepper shakers. �Why?�
�Huh?�
�Why haven�t you gone fishing?�
He shrugged. It was too late to divert her attention but he was already regretting the admission. Her eyes were focused on his face, drawing his gaze until he had to look away towards the rose bushes along the fence. �Nice flowers,� the remark was a half-hearted attempt to shift the topic. She didn�t veer off and he wasn�t surprised.
�Why, Jack?�
�I don�t know.�
�You�re lying.�
He waggled a finger at her, his tone mock serious as he replied. �Respect your elders young lady.�
�Yeah right!� Her retort was sarcastic but the frown never left her solemn features. �Janet said you hadn�t been around in a long time, she was worried. What have you been doing with your time?�
�Are we ever going to eat?� Jack was desperate to swing the topic off his pathetic life. Turning towards the back of the house, he spied Teal�c leaning on the railing. �When�s dinner?� he called, ignoring Cassie�s impatient grumble.
�Momentarily O�Neill.�
�Good I�m starved.�
�Jack!� Cassie�s voice held a note of disgust. �You�re hopeless you know,� she quipped as she rose to her feet and crossed to the back door.
�Yes, I know,� he whispered beneath his breath.
How could he pretend through two hours of camaraderie? Tight smiles and polite chitchat all the while hiding how awful things really were, how hopeless he had begun to feel. It all seemed so pointless.
Jack rose to his feet and crossed the yard to the cluster of rose bushes. Heavy purple and fuchsia blooms were draped across the nearly hidden trellis. He stood for a long time with his hands in his pockets. Bees hummed fitfully as they drifted from flower to flower, legs heavy with pollen. Beyond the worn gray fence he could hear the splash of the neighbor�s pool and the calls of children. High shrieks of laughter augmented by the steady thrum and pulse of a radio.
Families.
Doing what families do on a hot summer evening. Laughing, enjoying one another. Brief sparks of resentment pricked his mind, flashes of bitterness and regret that left a sour taste in his dry mouth. It could have been so different for us Sam�
�Jack?�
He jumped. startled by Daniel�s approach. �Jesus, don�t do that!�
�Lost in thought?� he queried, ignoring Jack�s rebuke.
�Yeah, something like that.�
�About this morning?�
�Huh?�
�You were thinking about something, about this morning?�
Jack sighed deeply. �Drop it, Daniel.�
�I can�t,� his voice was low, but his tone was sharp, insistent.
Jack felt him step closer, shifting into his peripheral vision. �You never know when to quit do you?� he snapped in response. Fear was driving the bitterness underlying his words and he hated himself for it.
�No, I don�t quit on my friends,� Daniel replied.quietly.
�Hey guys, dinner!� Cassie called from the vicinity of the table.
Jack spun away from the fence and Daniel�s concerned expression. He was grateful for the interruption. He couldn�t face the determination or the pity he saw in his friend�s blue eyes. Daniel wouldn�t relent until he had prodded a satisfactory answer from him. He was dreading the inevitable confrontation
When did I become such an easy mark, he wondered as he sat down at the table next to Jeanie�s high chair.
The toddler grinned around her hotdog. �Jaaaaacckkkk!� she chortled before taking a large bite, which left her round face smeared with ketchup.
He laughed softly letting the warmth of her twinkling blue eyes penetrate his soul, driving back the icy darkness at least for the moment.
The rest of his friends settled at the table. Jack busied himself with dressing his hamburger and taking a large spoonful of macaroni salad, though he wasn�t hungry. Eating would distract them, he thought hopefully. Yeah right. He could feel their eyes resting on his body. Janet�s clinical gaze traveled the length and breadth of him, assessing his physical state, hiding her observations behind a worried frown. Teal�c�s quiet concern was poorly masked by his usual stoic fa�ade. Cassie was talking too fast and loud about her misadventures as a waitress while she went to school part time. Finally there was Daniel, unusually withdrawn. Jack could see him in the periphery of his vision. Lost in thought, studying him through half closed lids while he ate mechanically.
Jack swallowed a large mouthful of salad and chased it down with ice water. He couldn�t stand being under the microscope. They knew that, but still the observations continued even as the conversation drifted to the SGC.
The Stargate program had nearly closed down after Kinsey won the presidential race. For Jack, the Senator�s inauguration had been the final straw, ending a career that he had ceased to care about months before. He had carried on after Sam�s death, his actions efficient, satisfactory but without heart. He could not find it in himself to care, as lost in those first dark days as he was now. The job still meant something, but the political power plays resulting from the changes Kinsey initiated were too much for his troubled mind, and he had bailed.
Hiding then like he was hiding now.
�Dessert?� Janet said softly, offering a large plate of sugar cookies.
�Huh?� Jack snapped back to the present, startled by her gentle presence. �Uh no thanks, Janet, it was delicious.�
She dropped her eyes to his half full plate. �Did you have enough?�
�Yes.� He swallowed the urge to yell. She cares dammit! Let her! He felt trapped by her well meaning inquiry, unworthy of her concern.
She blinked a shadow crossing her features as she took his plate. �Okay.� The timbre of her voice suggested that she had heard the harshness in his tone that he did not intend and could not take back.
Jesus, I need to go home!
He rose from the table intending to slip quietly away, unable to face the good-byes and the prying eyes of his �family�. Daniel appeared suddenly at his elbow. His pale features were knitted into a frown. �Sit, talk awhile?� he asked softly, offering Jack a beer and gesturing to a swing under a large Oak in the corner of the yard.
No I can�t stay. He opened his mouth to say the words and closed it with a sigh at the sight of his friend�s earnest gaze. �Okay, just one.�
�Okay.� Satisfied, Daniel walked to the cedar swing and sank into one corner of it.
�I don�t remember this swing.� Jack remarked as he followed suit and cracked his beer.
Daniel raised curious eyebrows and took a long pull from his bottle. Jack shook his head, when had his friend learned to enjoy beer? Was this a good thing? He shoved the question aside, what did it matter really?
�You don�t?� Daniel asked after a long moment.
�No, should I?� What the hell was so important about a swing? Realization dawned as Daniel replied.
�It was Sam�s. Jacob was home recently, said he wanted her things out of storage.� He ran his hand over the back of the swing, caressing the smooth aged wood. �I always liked this swing and he said take it, too heavy to ship out to Mark�� He trailed off, raising his eyes to Jack�s face. �You�re welcome to it��
Jack strove to erase the pain he knew showed plainly on his features. �No�you keep it Daniel, she was your friend��
�Jack��
�Keep it,� he repeated hoarsely and drained his beer in one long swallow. The cold liquid hit his stomach and sloshed about making him suddenly nauseous. He swallowed the bile in his throat, forcing the lump down with it. �It will get more use here,� he qualified.
Daniel nodded without comment, his blue eyes misty as they drifted across the yard to where Janet was pushing Jeanie in a plastic car. �I never thought things would end up this way.�
�Neither did I.� Jack looked at his empty bottle. He turned it in his fingers studying the brown glass, noting the flaw up one side that disappeared beneath the label. Who was he talking about, himself or Daniel? For that matter was his friend really referring to the idyllic scene only yards away, or to the emotional wreck seated beside him?
Daniel was quiet for a time, staring resolutely at the back of the house. Jack could see the muscles in his jaw rippling, as he seemed to consider and reject comments that struggled to find voice. He found himself wishing his friend would remain silent, leave his demons to rest however uneasily. But Daniel was too good a friend for that and Jack was not surprised when he spoke again.
�I missed you guys when I was �up there�,� he indicated the sky with a flick of his eyes. �I never told you how hard it was to be apart from everyone. Things like your torture by Baal were�a nightmare for me�I had to stand by and watch, you know that don�t you?�
Jack shook his head and his eyes slid closed as he leaned back against the swing. They had never really talked about the ordeal that Daniel had been through. From what little Jack had been able to gather over the years being one of the Ascended was not all tea and roses as Daniel had implied in Baal�s cell. There were limitations to what he could do, rules that prevented him from changing what inevitably had to be. He was not a God, not omnipotent just as he had said after one of Jack�s innumerable sessions. The universe continued on its designated track, unchanged by his desires. He was an observer, a powerful yet powerless one.
Now as he listened to the regret in Daniel�s voice, Jack couldn�t help but feel responsible somehow. He should have been available to his friend, at least been willing to listen. But he had been angry and deeply hurt. Understanding why Daniel had stood by while he was tortured countless times did not absolve the bitterness Jack felt at being essentially abandoned to the Goa�uld�s sadistic whims. He was angry and he felt guilty for that anger, a vicious circle that forced him into yet another silence, behind emotional walls that became truly insurmountable after Sam died.
�Yes I know, Daniel,� Jack whispered, offering his friend absolution and wishing he could do the same for himself.
�Do you?� he replied his voice equally soft. �After all this time, do you know how much I regret what happened? I could have saved you so much agony Jack! I could have stopped him.� His voice rose slightly and Jack�s eyes opened in surprise at the heat behind the words. �I should have stopped him! It might have changed things for you, for all of us!�
�No.� Jack sighed tiredly raising his eyes towards the darkening sky. �It�s what had to be, you and I both know that.�
�Ordained by fate that you should be tortured to within an inch of your sanity,� Daniel laughed bitterly. �What kind of higher power would allow that?�
You would�He swallowed the words, shoving his resentments into the blackest depths of his mind where they belonged. The time for recriminations was long past. It wouldn�t do either of them any good now. �Forget it Daniel, I have.�
His friend heard the lie as clearly as he did. Daniel reached into a cooler that had gone unnoticed by Jack and pulled a second beer from the ice. He offered it with a silent nod and Jack took it gratefully, swallowing his unease along with the dark bitter brew. �Your taste is improving,� he noted, for the first time reading the foreign label. The first bottle had disappeared down his throat too quickly to taste.
�I figure it I�m going to learn to like the stuff it should at least be good stuff.�
Jack snorted. �Aren�t you a little old to develop a habit?�
�I don�t know, you have.�
What the hell does that mean? He bit back the question the answer was too obvious to both of them.
Jack took a second swallow, savoring the rich taste of the foreign beer, letting his eyes travel the perimeter of the backyard. The shadows had grown long, pierced by brilliant golden shafts from the setting sun. He blinked, somehow the shading of the trees, the fog creeping around the edges of his vision as the temperature dropped�it was familiar. Images flickered across his vision, independent of reality. His nose twitched as the odor of the charcoal grill enveloped them, driven by the gentle stirrings of the dusk breeze�
The trees were as black as tar, their trunks smooth and massive in girth. Underbrush choked their path as SG-1 struggled to get closer to the source of the spicy, aromatic smoke. Jack grimaced in silent frustration at the obstructions that slowed their progress to a crawl. His feet ached and his knees were protesting loud and clear. He was exhausted and irritated that this simple and uneventful survey had turned into an eerie game of Clue. What the hell was going on?
His mind drifted back to the rock cairn they had encountered that afternoon. A diamond shaped wooden carving had been placed atop the rocks, secured to a carved wooden pole by a peg through its center. The design had incorporated the hole made by the peg. It appeared to be the pupil of an eye, surrounded by seven similar pupils, each slightly less than round. Daniel had been intrigued and quietly smug that his suspicions had been correct. Jack had tolerated the archeologist�s only barely disguised excitement, it wasn�t often lately that his friend had been able to call on his professional skills. The fact that the cairn and carving represented a complete mystery only added to Daniel�s enthusiasm.
The path appeared quite suddenly amid the vines and pale purple flowers that barred their way and clung to their knives as they attempted to progress. Jack signaled the team to a half and dropped to one knee. He scanned the trail as far as the trees would permit, scowling at the twists and turns that disappeared into the forest. There was no doubt now, the smoke was stronger, its heady scent making him vaguely light headed.
He glanced over his shoulder and mouthed. �Is everyone okay?
They nodded and he got cautiously to his feet, signaling Teal�c to the rear as they moved onto the well worn trail and followed it deeper into the woods. The clearing appeared around a bend. Jack stopped cold and dropped silently into a crouch when he spotted the blue aliens seeming at rest around a scattering of fires.
They were basically human aside from their startling blue skin and long white hair. Appearing gender neutral, they came in a variety of sizes but seemed to be roughly two meters in height save for one individual. Clad in rough spun tunics that fell mid thigh they sat companionably around the fires in complete silence.
Jack felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle painfully. He glanced at Daniel who threw up his hands clearly at a loss. Sweet, he thought and gestured the team forward into the clearing. Then he saw the eyes.
Spiders!
Jack lurched to his feet his eyes flying wide open. The beer bottle slipped from his grasp and landed with a soft thud on the lawn by his feet.
�Hey, are you okay?�
Daniel�s hand was on his shoulder, his slightly soured breath in Jack�s ear.
He cringed and yanked himself free, the clinging gauze of memory making his skin crawl. �I�m fine,� he denied sharply.
�You kind of checked out there��
�I�m fine!� This time he did yell, a hoarse bark that drove Daniel back a step. His pulse was slamming in his ears, his heart fluttering painfully in his chest. Was this what a coronary felt like? The idea flitted through his head as he stalked across the lawn. He could hear Daniel walking briskly only a pace behind, felt his hand on his arm when he reached the gate.
�Wait a minute�you can�t drive like this!�
Jack shrugged himself free for a second time. He had to get away from the spiders, and the eerie dusky silence of Daniel�s backyard. The scene was too close to the dreams that replayed endlessly every time he closed his eyes. How was that possible? How could a simple suburban neighborhood resemble a primeval forest on a planet light years away? Or perhaps that was just it, it didn�t really look like P3�whatever�instead it was a metaphor an image a dream?
He was cracking up! Finally the tensions, the lies, the guilt and regret had pushed him to the end!
This was Earth, these were his friends�there were no spiders here! No long spindly arms reaching for him, caressing the bronzed skin of his forehead, stroking back the hair and reaching deep within his soul with a simple touch�
�Jack stop!� Daniel�s voice sharp and commanding, reached Jack as he wrenched open the door of his truck and launched himself onto the seat.
He slammed the locks in place as Daniel reached the passenger door and began pounding on the window.
�Jack, don�t!�
�O�Neill!� Teal�c�s deep baritone sounded from his place on the front step. The large Jaffa jumped off the stoop and strode towards the truck. Jack fumbled for his keys with sweat slick hands. He jammed them into the niche as Teal�c reached the side of the vehicle and applied his considerable strength to the door latch. The handle came away in his hand as Jack shoved the truck in gear and pulled away in a haze of exhaust and screeching tires.
I can�t stay here! There�s something wrong somewhere! I need to think! It can�t be real�but what else could it be? What did it mean? Why did the visions stop just as he fell unconscious on the forest floor? Why did the spider-like lavender eyes of the aliens haunt the shadowy places of his mind? Rising to glare unblinking whenever he let down his guard�
Jack stepped hard on the accelerator flying through the red light. He looked up in time to see the panel van bearing down on him. Raising his arms he let out a short anguished cry before the impact sent him spinning into darkness�
The high pitched squeal of tires on asphalt caused a flash of panic to thrill across Daniel�s nerves. He spun away from his car, scanning the horizon for the offending vehicle. After a moment, he spotted a small sedan shooting out of the hospital parking lot, acrid smoke hanging in its wake. �Idiots,� he grated in disgust as he pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.
Yesterday�was it only yesterday? A similar screech had been followed by the horrendous clank and crunch of metal on metal as Jack�s truck was broad-sided by a delivery van. The peace of a quiet Saturday evening shattered by his friend�s headlong flight, and its abrupt end.
Daniel ran a hand through his hair and pushed away from the side of the car. He walked through the crammed lot, his mind spinning with the reasons why he was here and how everything could have gotten so far out of hand.
Was it the beer?
He dismissed the thought with a rueful shake of his head. Jack O�Neill could drink him or anyone he knew under the table. A beer and a half would barely cause a ripple in his sobriety.
Daniel walked into the emergency entrance and waved off the receptionist as he proceeded down the hall to the elevators.
Jack had been unusually introspective that morning. Obviously lost in the past. Daniel frowned as he pushed the elevator call button. I shouldn�t have woken him, I didn�t belong there�He flushed guiltily at the memory. Hearing Jack call out to Sam after all these years�it felt like an intrusion on the man�s privacy. He regretted it but there was no way to make amends given Jack�s current state. An apology was something Jack wouldn�t and couldn�t accept even if he were awake to hear it. Not because he was selfish or petty, but because like so many other things over the years, Jack thought of himself as unworthy. A viewpoint Daniel could not share or change.
He stepped into the car and smiled softly at the little girl who clung to her mother�s hand. The child�s eyes were wide with trepidation, her free hand clutching a teddy bear with chalk white fingers. He swallowed and turned away. Concern and fear were playing tug of war within his own mind, sending his stomach into nervous knots.
Jack had seemed unduly disturbed by the presence of the swing in his backyard. At first Daniel had thought he was simply surprised. However as their brief conversation unfolded he realized it was much more. A great sadness had come to rest in Jack�s eyes the day they buried Sam at Arlington. But yesterday the sadness was gone, replaced by a blank empty stare, frighteningly dark and lifeless. His friend�s pale haggard face floated before Daniel�s eyes and he shook his head vainly trying to banish the image. Where had Jack really gone yesterday? What part of his past had suddenly risen up to flood over him, nearly drown him, and send him fleeing in an obvious panic?
Daniel got off at the sixth floor and leaned on the wall struggling to pull his thoughts together. There had been brief flashes of the friend he knew and loved. A pale, watery smile when he watched Jeanie playing. Laughter brief but genuine when they recalled an incident involving his many attempts at teaching Daniel the fine art of hockey. A full out grin, at the recollection of showing Cassie how to spit from his roof, much to Janet�s dismay. But the mood around the picnic table had been one of forced cheer. An effort by Jack�s only family to draw him away from the pit he seemed to be falling into.
He started walking down the busy hallway carefully avoiding wheelchair bound patients and the occasional nurse or orderly that flitted in and out of the many rooms. It had been a while, too long, since any of them had really sat down and talked to Jack. At least tried to talk to him, Daniel reflected morosely. Hardly an open book with even the most determined of friends to prod him, keeping his own counsel had only driven Jack into a deeper state of depression. Daniel stopped outside the private corner room. He acknowledged the SF stationed there with a slight nod before he glanced at the chart in the holder. The information there would mean much more to Janet but she had been ordered back to base. SG-8 had come back covered in nasty burns due to an accidental chemical explosion at the Alpha Site. Her personal crisis could not take precedence, and she had left Jack�s side with great reluctance.
�Sir?� The guard asked quietly.
�Huh�oh yeah.� Daniel produced his ID. The placement of a guard and the clearing of anyone who came in contact with the retired Colonel was standard procedure, in case he should say something classified while under anesthetic or simply sleeping. Daniel winced inwardly Jack hadn�t said a word since his frantic flight the day before. The guard glanced at the plastic card and then at him before handing it back.
�You�re clear to go in now.�
�Thanks,� Daniel replied, but he remained rooted to the spot fighting the guilty feelings that were urging him to turn and walk away. He didn�t want to go in there. He didn�t want to see Jack hooked up yet again to wires and electrodes, his face as pale as the sheets tucked beneath his chin. There was no medical reason for his catatonic state. He had received a lot of bruising and a concussion from the accident, but the injuries weren�t life threatening. Janet and the civilian doctors were mystified by his condition.
Taking a deep breath, Daniel reached for the latch and entered the dimly lit room. He sighed between pursed lips, thankful that his high security clearance would allow the guard to stay outside.
One would expect silence in a room where a man lay unconscious but the small space echoed with the whir of machinery. IV pumps hummed and burbled, a monitor registered Jack�s steady heartbeat with a low beep. The oxygen being funneled through the tube beneath his nose hissed softly in the corner. The light above his bed was turned to the lowest setting, painting his face with an eerie bluish glow. Daniel shivered, his nostrils twitching with the smell of disinfectant and the faint odors of food being served down the hall. He crossed to Jack�s bedside and sank into the chair nearby.
When had his friend gotten so old? He reached out and gently smoothed the white hair back from the knotted brow. For that matter when had he? Daniel�s hand pulled back and grazed his own temple where fine gray hairs had begun to show. It was to be expected given what had happened over the last twelve years, but still the evidence was disconcerting.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and turned his attention to the too still form on the bed. Jack�s eyes were moving beneath their lids. Rapidly shifting back and forth as he watched the images unfolding in his mind. Daniel ran a hand across his neck and studied his friend�s sallow features. Aside from his eyes only Jack�s mouth moved occasionally, his jaw would clench as he ground his teeth. The sound sent a second shiver chasing down Daniel�s spine.
Where are you, Jack? Not for the first time Daniel found himself wishing he could still reach into his friend�s mind. Offer him support and guidance as he struggled to navigate a path out of his own personal purgatory. His thoughts drifted back to the hellhole that was Baal�s fortress. As hard as it had been to watch Baal torture Jack over and over, Daniel had come to accept his part in what happened. He wasn�t happy about it, but in order to live with himself he had to acknowledge that he had done all that he felt able to at the time. He didn�t know any better, couldn�t have known what would happen later. He was there for Jack, he listened and he reassured, tried to show him the value of his life. Tried to tell him how important he was to so many people, beings, throughout the universe.
Jack was a complex individual who saw himself in an entirely too simplistic fashion. Daniel had struggled with that misconception himself. He understood his friend�s fears and inadequacies, in many ways they were his own. In the cell he could listen, deny the falsehoods that Jack persisted with, tell him the truth about himself�
Daniel rolled his eyes and stared at the ceiling. Fresh guilt washed over him. In the cell he begged me to end it and I could have, now he can�t or won�t talk to anyone and I can�t do a damn thing. He pounded his clenched fist into his open palm. The slap of flesh against flesh was remarkably loud amid the technological murmur that surrounded them.
Jack twitched at the sound. His whole face contorted into a grimace of shock and grief. His eyes opened wide and he stared unblinking at the ceiling. A moan crawled up his throat and escaped amid a hitching string of dry sobs that seemed to tear from deep within. His lips formed a single murmured word. Daniel leaned forward, placing a calming hand on his friend�s arm as he struggled to decipher the hoarse whisper. His blood turned to ice at what he heard.
�Sam.�
Her name spoken in a soft, desperate, tone, pleading with her or the memory of her, Daniel could not be sure which.
He sat back keeping his hand firmly in place. Hoping that the warmth of his touch would draw Jack back to the present and away from the yawning chasm of grief her name would evoke.
After Sam�s death, Jack had tumbled into the same wretched state he had been in when Daniel first met him. More than one lifetime ago, he mused. Devastated beyond words by the loss of his son, Jack had been willing to throw his entire life away on the first Abydos mission. He would have happily hand delivered the bomb to Ra given the choice and everyone on the team knew that. But in the end it had been his own unconquerable will and, Daniel couldn�t help thinking, the friendship of himself and the Abydonians that had pulled Jack back from the brink.
There had been hope then. A belief that there was still something left for him to do. That Charlie�s death didn�t have to be the end, but could in some odd fashion signal a new chapter in his life. No one had blamed Jack when he retired after the first trip to the planet, nor had they worried because they knew he would be okay. Daniel had seen him off Abydos secure in the knowledge that this was not the same defeated man he had encountered at the SGC. A year later Jack had been called back to Cheyenne Mountain. His sabbatical seemed to renew his determination to seize life and wrestle any left over demons into submission. Minor setbacks had been myriad, but until the Cell and even after that, Daniel hadn�t worried, at least he had tried not to. Jack�s sanity was not in question. His mind, however battered, remained intact, until Sam died.
Daniel watched with wide eyes, unable to move from the spot as Jack writhed with his inner anguish. He moaned again, his lips forming an O of surprise that quickly twisted into a frightful grimace of rage. A low growl formed in his throat and then faded abruptly to be replaced by the sobbing again. Tears leaked from his eyes and ran down his cheeks in shimmering streaks. He thrashed his head from side to side sending the salty moisture spraying into the air. Some of it landed on Daniel�s hand and he stared, transfixed by its presence.
Where are you Jack? Come back to me, talk to me!
He willed his mind to reach out to his friend, it was a futile exercise.
A flurry or white coats abruptly descended upon them, attracted by the chorus of alarms Jack had touched off. Daniel was shoved aside by nurses and doctors with clipped, professional sounding voices. Orders were given and a needle inserted into the dangling IV. Jack�s eyes slid closed but not before he screamed, an anguished indecipherable wail that ended in a choked sob as he fell silent.
Daniel sank onto the edge of the bed. He glanced dejectedly at the empty space where Janet usually lay and then removed his glasses with a heavy sigh. His wife was tied to the base, working diligently to stabilize one of the critically ill SG-8 members. He was alone, in more ways than one.
He had left the hospital feeling hopeless and utterly spent after spending far too long staring at Jack�s still form. His friend remained unresponsive, despite his best efforts to rouse him. Daniel had talked to Jack about anything that came to mind. The latest archeological discovery on P24-222, the weather, tennis, though he knew Jack hated the sport. No subject was off limits he was so desperate for a response. At times he would murmur, as if speaking to Jeanie. His voice a gentle singsong, if Jack had heard surely he would have laughed? Other times his voice would rise, taking on a commanding tone, ordering his friend to snap out of it. In the end his voice reduced to a hoarse, troubled whisper.
Jack had not flickered an eyelid since his last mournful cry.
Daniel glanced around the semi dark bedroom. Without his glasses objects took on a hazy distorted quality, eerily backlit by the moon glow filtering through the drawn blinds. He scrubbed a hand across his face and slipped beneath the covers tucking them tightly up against his body. He felt like a child seeking the reassurance of arms not present.
Since marrying Janet he had never felt lonely. She completed him in a way Sha�re and Sarah never had. He had loved both women and the memory of their tragic ends still raised a dull ache in his heart, but Janet had become a part of him. Her quiet strength had guided him through a troubling readjustment to the real world after his Descension. Soft brown eyes that looked on him with understanding and gentle words that encouraged him to keep going, even when he felt too frustrated or guilty about his actions to face the world. These and much more she brought to his life. Whenever they were separated he felt her absence, now in the quiet empty room he ached to hold her. She would know what to say and how to say it�
Daniel shook his head. The last thought sticking with him and not ringing quite true. Janet was just as perplexed as he was. She had been quiet for a long time after he told her what happened in the hospital room, so long he thought they had lost their connection. Eventually she had murmured a few words of assurance, mainly pertaining to Jack�s medical prognosis. Physiologically he would be fine she told Daniel, there was no reason he wouldn�t recover. When he pressed her about what the dream�hallucination�might mean, she had no answer. She told him that she loved him and that she wouldn�t be home that night and then she was gone. Leaving Daniel holding the receiver to his ear, listening to the hum of the phone line. Helpless.
He snuggled deeper into the covers and closed his eyes, shutting out the soft moonlight. Sleep nibbled at the corners of his exhausted mind, releasing teasing images that played across the inside of his eyelids. The kind of waking dream one would have just before dawn played like an old home movie within the subconscious but guided by the conscious. He felt his lips turn slightly upward at the images. Cassie and Jeanie�his whole family at a state park, picnicking, playing tag and lounging in the shade of an ancient tree. Their wedding day, the air filled with the scent of Janet�s beloved roses. His petite wife dressed in a cloud of white taffeta, simple gold ribbons highlighting her dark red hair�
The dreams deepened, drawing Daniel into a corner of his mind he had long shut away. The emotions and the images that lived there a part of his past that he yearned to forget. Powerful forces replete with experiences that had both thrilled and terrified him, the passage of time only made them more intimidating. Beings of form and color, a plethora of shapes and sizes, all of them adding to the richness which was his Ascension. He was floating among them all. Watching their triumphs and trials, sometimes in a state of boundless ecstasy and other times filled with abject horror at what they were doing or what was being done to them.
He was everywhere and he was nowhere. Events transpiring in real time and yet somehow he could see anything and everything whenever he chose. He could leap across the boundaries of the universes. See himself and his friends in all variety of incarnations and combinations. Watch himself grow old, lonely and bitter. See a happier time where he and Sarah had resolved their issues, where the Goa�uld had never been a threat. Teal�c living out his life undisturbed, dying at the hands of an unknown System Lord, or raising his son to be a fine upstanding warrior who took his place when he could no longer carry on the fight against their oppressors. Then there was Sam. Her brilliant mind tapped to harness the power of the Gate, sometimes as a soldier and other times as a civilian, more often than not finding her way to Jack, as if fate in any universe could not tear them apart.
Daniel rolled in his sleep, flinging his arm across the empty space beside him, mumbling beneath his breath when he encountered only air and the soft summer comforter.
His mind drifted to all the creatures he had encountered, the cultures that had painted a kaleidoscope of galactic history since time itself had begun. He had seen it all but only retained flashes of insight. In the five years since returning to his corporeal state, he had been able to dredge up the occasional useful bit of information to augment his continued exploration, but nothing of great tangible benefit. He was human again, with all the accompanying fallibility inherent to that state.
To say he was disappointed by this turn of events would have been a galactic understatement. But in quiet moments when only Janet was around to hear him Daniel could admit that he was also relieved. Watching helplessly while one race committed genocide on another or while a sun went nova and destroyed an entire solar system. These could not be balanced by even the highest of highs. Leaps in evolution, the dawning of understanding by primitive man, they were wondrous, even miraculous events to which he bore silent witness, but in the end they weren�t enough. He was grateful that only snatches of all these events played out in his mind. Rearing their heads when he was vulnerable, alone, afraid, states of being he found himself in less and less often as time passed.
Daniel rolled again struggling towards consciousness as the images shifted and coalesced into the one being that filled him with equal parts joy and sorrow.
Oma Desala. The petite, auburn haired figure dressed simply in white. Her heart shaped face seeming to glow from within as she regarded him beneath her fine arched brows.
�Daniel?�
�Oma��
�I did not expect to see you again��
�No, I didn�t expect to come back�ever�I don�t know why I�m here, or why you are here?�
�Because you called me.�
�I called you?� His tone held a note of wonder and disbelief.
�You are filled with uncertainty, with questions yes?�
�Yes�but I didn�t��
�Daniel,� she admonished softly, her voice echoing through his soul.
�I�m afraid, Oma.�
�I know, but why?�
�Because I can�t help Jack��
�It is more, Daniel, of this you are sure.�
He shook his head at a loss. �No, I can�t help Jack. I�m afraid if I don�t, it someone doesn�t he will be gone��
�Gone?�
�He will die, Oma. He won�t Ascend! He won�t want to, you know that.� Desperate, his inner voice nearly strangling on unshed tears of frustration.
�Yes I know. But there is more�� Soft yet insistent, her eyes liquid pools that held his gaze. �Your heart is filled with useless emotions, feelings that obscure your vision��
�I don�t understand��
�Your path has always been different from his.�
�But��
�Guilt and anger serve no purpose. You cannot change what had to happen. Your journey is all that you can predict or control.�
�But there�s something I�m missing Oma, something I have missed.�
�Why do you say that?� She tilted her head, the light gleaming in her eyes. Filling him with anxiety as he searched for the answers that could only come from deep within. �What drives you to seek me out?�
�I don�t know�I only know that I need to help Jack to find his way. Somehow, sometime he strayed and I�owe it to him��
�Owe?� One of the fine brows climbed higher, touching her hairline. �Why?�
�Because I left him behind!� There was anger, hot and bright forcing her back into the shadows. He swallowed and reached for her, drawing her forward on a tremulous beam of light. �I�m sorry��
�To whom do you apologize, to him or to yourself? To whom do you owe absolution and forgiveness?�
�Jack��
Oma shook her head. �No, Daniel. In the end you must forgive yourself only then can you find that which you seek.�
�I don�t understand.�
�Were your actions done out of love or malice?�
�That�s just it, I didn�t act at all!� He threw up his hands in frustration and watched her shrink away again, fading to barely a shade against the grayness of his mind�s eye. �No, don�t leave!�
�Daniel, you did what you could at the time. You were there for him, it has to be enough��
�I thought I forgave myself long ago�but I guess��
�Guilt and Anger serve no purpose here or anywhere,� Oma reminded gently.
�Do I have the answers for him? Are they here somewhere in my mind, locked away?�
�Do you believe they are?�
Silence, stretched until he could barely breath. Do I believe? Am I capable of guiding Jack on whatever path he chooses to take? He swallowed the lump in his throat, Oma�s light seemed to grow stronger and deeper as resolution built within him. �Yes, they are here.�
�Then go, Daniel.�
Daniel�s breathing leveled out and he slept, his body succumbing to exhaustion, his mind blessedly at rest for the moment.
Pale streaks of lavender and peach light filtered through the drawn blinds teasing Daniel from sleep. They undulated across the rise and fall of his legs beneath the blankets and caressed his chin with pastel hues. He shivered and rubbed his bare exposed arms against the predawn chill. Snaking them back beneath the comforter he reached for sleep, struggling to ignore what had drawn him to wakefulness.
He had dreamed about Oma�
The recollection made him restless, pulling him back towards awareness even as he snuggled into the comforting warmth of the blankets. He tried to slow his breathing, will the suddenly twitching muscles in his legs to relax. Her words flitted through his awakening mind. Like ghosts they whispered as they tugged at the doors of his memory. Seeking the answers she reassured him were there.
Daniel sighed and sat up slowly. Trying to sleep was an exercise in futility. There was something he was missing, he couldn�t shake the feeling that he should know what was bothering Jack. He turned to the bedside clock and winced, the blue digital display read five a, m. He reached for the phone and then dropped his hand to his lap. Calling wouldn�t suffice, visiting hours be dammed. He had to go back to the hospital.
The resolution to act drove Daniel to his feet. His clothes were in a pile by the side of the bed he had been too exhausted to care where they fell the night before. He considered the idea of a shower and shave but rejected it almost immediately, it would take too long. Oma�s words had been more than a dream induced by his stressed out mind. She had come to him, much as she had in the hours leading up to his Ascension. Perhaps the simplicity of her statements could be explained by the fact that he finally understood at least part of what she was about, but that didn�t change the weight of her message. He, like Jack was wasting time and life by wallowing in guilt over events that could not be changed.
He paused, one leg shoved into his pants, and sat back on the edge of the bed. They could not change the past, but maybe that�s where the answers lay? Was Jack stuck in a time and place that he could not get beyond? Daniel knew it was more than Sam�s death that haunted his dreams. Jack�s life was full of experiences that would have quelled a lesser man into non-existence long ago. Atrocities he had inflicted and tortures he had endured, large and small, all had left their mark. What had happened to bring them rushing back to the surface?
Had he finally lost it?
What dreams had he interrupted two mornings before? Or were they nightmares?
The questions only spurred Daniel on to an even faster pace. He pulled on the rest of his clothes and buckled his belt as he half jogged to the kitchen. The timer on the coffeepot was set for five and was just completing its cycle. He grabbed the largest travel mug he could find and filled it to the brim before dashing for the entryway and his sneakers.
The morning air was damp and heavy with dew against his bare arms. He shivered slightly as he unlocked his car and started the motor. The streets were nearly empty, too early for rush hour, he noted with a grateful sigh. Daniel jammed the accelerator and skidded through a stop sign. He couldn�t explain the urgency that was growing inside him. Why now, he mused anxiously. Oma had never contacted him in any fashion in the five long years since he had Descended.
If he were honest with himself, Daniel had to admit that her absence was appreciated and filled him with an enormous sense of relief. The adjustment back to his corporeal state had been difficult enough, he didn�t need reminders of what he had given up. He didn�t miss the helpless feeling he had often experienced while watching good Beings come to harm, his friends in particular. But he did miss the knowledge, the vast and limitless possibilities that Ascension brought. He could study the rest of his life and never come anywhere near that level of awareness and understanding. It was depressing to contemplate.
But Oma had returned, what did it mean? Was it a sign, a way of pointing him in the right direction?
Daniel turned into the nearly empty parking lot and parked near the entrance. He sat for a while listening to the motor tick, his thoughts a chaotic jumble that made his head throb dully. Why am I any more qualified than Janet or Dr. MacKenzie, he wondered. Maybe this isn�t really as complex as I think. Am I blowing things out of proportion? He hadn�t wanted to consider the possibility that the drama of the situation was more in his head than reality. Could it be as simple as age? Jack not bouncing back as quick as he used to? How many times had they been; drugged, shot at, burned, beaten, infected, or otherwise mutilated in their duties with the SGC? How much was too much for the human body to take? He reached for the key intending to turn around and go home. Visiting hours at ten a.m. would be soon enough�
A large pick-up truck pulled into the spot two places over. The rumble of its eight-cylinder engine drew Daniel�s attention. It was dark green, almost black, just like Jack�s monstrosity, which was currently sitting at the local body shop having its passenger door replaced.
No it wasn�t age that had driven Jack from his backyard in a near panic. It wasn�t senility that had torn Sam�s name from his memory and given vent to the anguished scream that could only be silenced by a tranquilizer. Daniel released the key and sat back in the seat, running a weary hand through his short brown hair. The thought of going back into Jack�s darkened room filled him with fresh anxiety sending chills racing down his sweaty back.
Swallowing hard, Daniel pushed open his door and walked into the side entrance to the hospital. The halls were empty except for hospital staff. It was rare to see anyone out of uniform at that hour of the morning. Daniel called for the elevator and shared a ride up with an orderly who eyed him curiously but did not comment.
The guard outside the door was a different one from the day before. Daniel approached and gestured at the closed door. �Any news?� he asked softly as he pulled his ID from his pocket.
�No, Sir. No change.� Daniel swallowed nervously, the faint hope that Jack had awakened during the night vanishing like so much smoke. It would have made finding out what was going on a whole lot easier. Or maybe not, he noted to himself. Jack could be remarkably closed mouthed. He had certainly proven that over the last five years!
The guard examined the plastic card and compared it to a list on a clipboard hanging on the wall. �Go ahead, Dr. Jackson.�
�Thanks.� Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Daniel pushed open the door.
Sometime after he left the night before the doctors had removed the Oxygen tube and the heart monitor from the room. Only the IV remained steadily humming to itself as it kept Jack hydrated.
Daniel paused just inside the door. The nurses had turned off the bluish light. The only illumination in the room came from the IV pump and the inkling of sunlight, mostly concealed behind the drawn blinds. He walked slowly over to Jack�s bedside and looked down.
His friend�s features were barely discernable in the darkness. He was much as Daniel had left him the night before. Lying on his back, his eyelids twitching slightly as he dreamed�hallucinated.
Where are you Jack, come back to us, tell me what I can do. He slumped into the chair and placed a reassuring hand on his friend�s shoulder. �Wake up, Jack,� he encouraged softly. As an afterthought Daniel shook him gently and then leaned back, leaving his hand in place.
Silence descended, punctuated only by the murmur of voices beyond the door and the creak of the chair as Daniel shifted his weight. He felt his eyes drifting closed as the time passed, unable to fight the comfort of sleep. Jack�s arm shifting beneath his light touch snapped Daniel back to reality. He shifted his drowsy gaze to his friend and sucked in a startled breath. �Hey, you�re awake?�
Jack had turned his head and was staring at him, his eyes nearly black in the semi darkness. His mouth moved slowly and a whisper of air escaped his lips. Daniel leaned closer, struggling to suppress the hopes that rose into his throat. Finally!
�Spiders��
A single word, hoarse and tinged with terror reached Daniel�s ear. He sat back slightly, squeezing Jack�s shoulder, trying to draw him further into the present. �I don�t understand, tell me more, Jack,� he prodded. The hope faded beneath renewed concerns. Spiders?
The fear reached Jack�s face, contorting it into a frightful mask. �Spiders, Daniel! The spiders are back!� His voice began to rise and his eyes widened as he scanned the room. �Where are they?� he demanded. �I know they are here!�
�Jack, shhhh. You�ll have the guard in here!� Daniel cautioned, while wondering if that wasn�t such a bad idea.
�Where are they?� Jack lurched to a sitting position, dragging the IV line through the bedrail and yanking it free with a spurt of blood and fluid.
�They aren�t here,� Daniel assured. He placed a restraining hand on Jack�s arm. �Relax, you�re safe��
�No, they are here�� He trailed off and turned to face Daniel. Brown eyes met blue and Jack swallowed hard, seeming to focus for a moment. �They�re here,� he repeated and brought one trembling finger up to his temple.
Daniel nodded slowly, his earlier suspicions confirmed. �Tell me, Jack. I want to help you��
�You can�t,� he mumbled desolately. �They did this to me and they took her from me�� The words hissed out between clenched teeth. Gasping softly he raised his hands to his face and fell back against the pillows. �The spiders��
�Jack!� Daniel slapped his cheek and shook him firmly by the shoulder. I need more, he demanded silently. Jack did not respond, seeming to have slipped back into the netherworld of darkness, the word spiders being the only clue to his nightmares. A frustrated sigh escaped Daniel�s lips. He spun away and went to the window, yanking savagely at the blind chord and flooding the room with morning light. �Wake up, damn you!� He wanted to scream but he forced his tone to a whisper. The vague nature of Jack�s few frightened words tore at him. What did it mean!
Daniel massaged his temples, attempting to assuage the headache that now pounded behind his eyes. He walked to the door and signaled for a nurse to replace the IV, and then returned to the phone beside the bed. �Pretty pointless,� he grumbled to himself as he dialed an outside line.
Janet answered him on the third ring. �Infirmary,�
Her voice was heavy with fatigue and Daniel winced in sympathy. �Hi, it�s me.�
�Hey you,� a smile lurked behind her words. �Why are you up so early? You didn�t need to come in�.�
�No, I�m at the hospital��
�Is Jack�all right? I mean what�s happened, did they call�.�
Daniel raised an unconscious hand to stem the tide of questions. �Hold on�He�s okay, sort of�I mean they took him off the monitors. He just has an IV tube which they are replacing now��
�Replacing?�
�Yes, he pulled it out��
�When? What happened?�
He could hear the clinical side of her rising to the forefront, attempting to treat her patient and friend long distance. Daniel couldn�t blame her for her frustration, and he tried to hide the helplessness he felt from his reply. �He woke up, sort of. Janet, I think we need to move him out of here��
�Why?�
�He started talking about spiders�how they were here and that they took someone from him.� Daniel took a breath, hating himself for bringing up the one person that had meant so much to all of them. �I think he was talking about Sam.�
He heard her gasp softly, could see her standing in the infirmary blinking away the sadness while she groped for a reply. �Why do you think that?�
Daniel shook his head, wishing he could explain in person. �Its just a feeling I have.� He glanced at the nurse and shifted his back to the woman cupping the receiver with one hand before he spoke again. �I think it has something to do with a mission we may have been on and something to do with�Oma.� The name fell from his lips and he heard Janet gasp a second time. Her silence was much longer this time, and he could only imagine the confusion and fear mirroring in her eyes.
�I see. I�ll speak to General Hammond immediately.�
�Okay, I�ll wait here. Call me with any news.�
�Daniel��
�Yeah?�
�It�s going to be okay. He�s strong, he�ll come out of this��
He could here the doubt in her voice but he did not comment, content to live with the thinly veiled reassurance because the alternative was too hard to accept. �I love you, Janet,� he murmured instead.
�I love you too.� The smile returned to her voice, strained but present. �Good-bye.�
�Sam!�
Jack�s voice echoed through his pounding skull, a long drawn out cry of anguish cut short by�what? He struggled to rise towards the sounds that tantalized his hearing. The beep and whir of equipment and the persuasive murmuring of gentle voices, the sounds were faint and tin-like as if from the depth of some forgotten well. They reached for him, coaxed him forward closer to the light that painted the inside of his eyelids a pulsing scarlet.
The muscles of his jaw twitched, forming shapes and finally words that rasped from his throat. His mind seemed to be adrift, cut loose from his body and floating free. Comforting warmth on his shoulder and the pressure of a restraining touch�these sensations came to him second hand. He was lost in a cloud of red and black mists that both supported and clung to him, threaded through with a spider�s web of veins that pulsed in time with his heart.
Sam, where are you?
Spiders!
Shrouds of gauzy filaments flashed from red to pastel blue and intermingled were the eyes. Multifaceted orbs gleamed as they traveled the length of his suddenly quivering shape. �Go away, leave me be!�
Jack struggled to hide from their probing gaze. His body protesting as he folded into a fetal ball, with his hands tucked close against his chest. *What do you want from me? Why have you come back? Leave me alone!* The eyes simply hovered in place, the filaments gradually evolving to powder blue and then rich turquoise laced with shocking white, forming faces around the eyes. Many faces, their features indistinguishable, they gathered close around him. Choking him with their presence and their eerie silence.
Vanishing abruptly until only one small rounded face remained. Silky white tresses fell across its glittering eyes and it swept them back with a skeletal hand.
�You�� His voice a whimper issuing from deep within his curled form. �You�I remember.�
The being smiled a ghastly toothless grimace as its thin blue lips curled over its gums. Jack shrank away, forcing his body to go smaller, tighter, bending his lanky frame until his bones ached and cracked in protest.
�Do you?�
The voice was like a breeze. Caressing his cheek, fluttering against his eardrum. The mouth closed, the lips compressed into a thin line, faintly curved in the corners.
�Do you?� it repeated, stirring the hair on Jack�s temples until he shuddered with revulsion.
Jack gritted his teeth and forced down the panic that was causing every muscle in his cramped frame to twitch and tremble �Yes,� he growled his reply, brief hot flashes of anger giving him the strength to uncurl a fraction as he stared at the unblinking eyes. �Yes. I remember you,� he repeated. Reaching out, he pointed an accusing finger at the passive figure. �You took her from me��
�No!� The denial was instant and dagger sharp turning and twisting igniting a white hot flame of agony within him.
Fear shot through Jack and he pulled away, hunching around himself again. Fighting for air against the Being�s intense unseen onslaught. �Yes you did,� he protested feebly. It was the truth. it had to be! Somehow, some way they tore Sam from him and plunged him into the blackness.
�No,� the word fluttered and traced a pattern of sadness across his brow. �We did not�you did.�
�I�. couldn�t,� Jack shook his head, gasping. Tears stung his eyelids, hot and fresh they squeezed out and slid down his cheeks. �I didn�t��
�You drove her away�� The voice faded, drawing trails through his tears, wicking them away and leaving ice in their wake.
�I�� He swallowed hard. The blood was roaring in his ears, blocking out the voices that reached for him. Their gentle words were pulling him closer to the surface and the light, even as he teetered on the edge of the darkness. �I did�� His heart thudded heavily with the finality of his admission. �I did�.�
The voice came again, smoothing the sweaty hair from his brow. It stroked his cheek and murmured softly. �Come back to us�we will show you�.�
�Show me what?� Hope, flashes of sparkling light that sang across his nerves. Jack reached for the voice, stretching out a ghost white hand to caress the blue cheek. �Tell me, please!� he begged, the words catching in his throat.
�Come back��
The eyes closed and slowly began to fade. The tracery of spider webs grew darker, obscuring the blue skin of the vanishing creature. Jack lunged from his fetal position, stumbling after the retreating form. He needed to make it talk �
�Come back to us, Jack.�
�Colonel, can you hear me�Jack?�
He stopped and stood swaying. The darkness was lightening, turning from scarlet to orange�
Gasping for air and reaching blindly towards the retreating forms, Jack returned to his body in a sickening rush. He captured only empty space between his shaking hands. Desperation turned to confusion as reality reasserted itself. Brilliant white light flooded painfully into his brain when he cracked an eyelid. His stomach did a nauseating roll and he swallowed bile and the iron taste of blood. Someone touched his shoulder and the heat of the overhead lamp shifted from his face to his chest. Inwardly grateful, Jack tried again this time more slowly. The images around him gradually connected themselves to the sounds that had encouraged him to consciousness.
Banks of lighted monitors that chattered quietly to themselves the shimmering of the IV pole, its pump burbling fitfully. Faces attached to voices that gently called to him, urging him back to reality and away from the dreams�nightmares. He shivered beneath the hand on his shoulder. .�Where�� He did not recognize the hoarse croak that issued from his lips. One of the faces�Janet�noticeably brightened.
�You�re in the Infirmary, Colonel,� she reassured him.
Jack swallowed reflexively against the dryness in his throat. Why is she calling me that? �Why?� his eyes slid closed. plunging him into blackness. His hand shot up covering his face warding off�what. Someone caught his fingers and gently but firmly guided his arm to his side. No he couldn�t go back there�not yet! Terror forced his eyes open with an involuntary gasp. He stared at his assembled friends, drawing strength from their quiet presence. �Why am I here?� he managed softly as he fought to calm his wildly beating heart.
�You don�t remember?� Janet asked, glancing apprehensively at a bedside monitor.
�No�I�can�t�don�t,� Jack swallowed again and saw her gesture. Daniel appeared by his elbow holding a glass with a straw. He sucked greedily at the tepid water, releasing the straw with reluctance at Janet�s urging. �I was at your house,� he ventured cautiously. At her nod he continued, groping for the memories, pushing aside the shredded nightmare visions. �We were sitting on the swing in the backyard�� He swung his gaze to Daniel who was watching him with dark concerned eyes.
�Yes that�s right,� he affirmed.
�Then�I.� Jack paused and gingerly shook his head. �No�that�s not right�they were there�but they couldn�t be�.� He trailed off, confusion dimming his voice to a frightened whisper. How could they have gotten there? What were the spiders doing in Daniel�s backyard?
�Stay with us, son.� General Hammond�s voice calm, insistent.
Jack�s mind latched onto the order that wasn�t. He took a deep breath trying to steady his nerves. You can do this, he assured himself with an inward grimace. They weren�t really there, anymore than they were here in the Infirmary. He looked around the dimly lit room. Seeking the corners with his eyes, straining to see past the equipment and bodies that obscured his view. No they weren�t here, his tired mind surmised. If only he could sleep�He scrubbed a hand through his hair, wincing as it trembled slightly against his skull.
They were here in his head�where they had been all those years ago!
He sat bolt upright, eyes wide with the realization. �The spiders are in here!�
�Jack�� Daniel caught his hands as they clutched at his head. He pushed them back to his sides and turned him slightly until they were face to face. �I don�t understand�who, or what�are the spiders?�
Jack gasped painfully and sucked in a deep breath. He needed to calm down, to think, to explain. �We went to their planet�seven years ago.� His mind was spinning, too much to say, too much to remember! �You found a cairn it had a carving on it then we found them�the spiders!� Cold sweat trickled down his back and beaded along his hairline, he shivered. �They didn�t talk at all but one of them�he�it�touched me.� He fell silent staring from face to face, trying to gauge the reaction of the people who stood motionless around his bed.
Teal�c raised a quizzical eyebrow, his dark eyes unreadable. He seemed to be reaching deep within probing for the memory that Jack insisted was there. General Hammond turned slightly, his tone mystified and heavy with concern when he spoke. �Do you know what he�s talking about?�
Jack winced inwardly and bit his lip. He was sitting right here, he wanted to growl but the look on the general�s face was enough to silence any protest he might make. No doubt he looked as ragged as he felt. Forming an articulate, coherent sentence was growing more difficult with each breath.
�I am unsure, General Hammond,� Teal�c replied quietly, turning his attention to Jack. �Can you describe the beings in question, beyond the term �spider�?�
Suddenly weak Jack sank back against the pillows and rubbed his bare arms with icy fingers. �They were blue,� he offered after a moment�s thought. �And their eyes were multifaceted and lavender.� An involuntary shudder crawled down his sweaty back.
�Let�s get you back under the blankets, you�ve had quite a shock.� Janet whispered. She readjusted the sheets and smoothed the spread across his chest before stepping back to rest worried eyes on the monitors.
�Blue?� Daniel�s eyebrows climbed into his hairline as he looked towards Teal�c. �I don�t��
The Jaffa had taken a step back, his dark face turned ashy gray. �Yes, they were blue�� he seemed to be speaking more to himself than the group at large. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, visibly unnerved. �I know of whom you speak, O�Neill.�
�Nice to know I�m not completely crazy,� Jack muttered beneath his breath, too tired to resent anyone for the silent implication. �Are you okay?�
�I am fine.� Teal�c intoned.
�You look like you�ve seen a ghost, son. Have a seat.� General Hammond pulled over a stool and gestured to it.
�I have not been visited by any apparition or shade General Hammond,� the Jaffa denied, but he did not refuse the seat.
Jack closed his eyes sleep was pulling at him. Dragging him inexorably back to the darkness. He fought it. Bolts of fear shot through him, making his fingers tingle and his heart pound heavily in his ears.
�Relax, Jack. It�s okay, you�re safe here.� Janet reassured. Her clinical detachment fell by the wayside as she patted his covered shoulder. �I�m going to give you a sedative. It will put you under, deep enough that these dreams shouldn�t bother you for a while. You need to rest.�
He couldn�t find the strength to argue or to tell her how frightened he was. The spiders were more than dreams or hallucinations. They were real, tangible Beings that had reached into his soul and shown him something too terrifying to remember. He could hear Teal�c, Daniel, and General Hammond talking in low voices as they moved away from his bedside. The rustle of fabric and the gentle click of plastic against metal soon obscured their words as Janet filled the needle and injected his IV. Jack couldn�t remember the last time he had sought the guidance of a higher power, but as the sedative took effect he began to pray.