Author�s note: This story can stand on it�s own but does have a second part entitled �Moving On�

As always a big thanks to Mal for hosting and to Merl who saw part one before anyone else and gave me some useful suggestions which I have taken to heart. Lastly to my wonderful Beta MC, for all her helpful comments and her patience with my comma issues! ((((((HUGS TO ALL))))))

ITALICS = THOUGHTS

Part One: �Healing Hearts�

Why do I do this to myself?

Colonel Jack O�Neill leaned over the bathroom sink and splashed handfuls of cool, refreshing water on his face. Rinsing his mouth out, he straightened and regarded his reflection in the mirror over the sink. Bloodshot eyes peered back at him from beneath half-closed lids. His hair stuck out at odd angles, framing sunken cheeks and chalk white lips.

�Sweet,� his hoarse voice was enough to set his head pounding. Moaning softly Jack flicked off the bathroom light and stumbled back to the bed where he collapsed in a heap.

Outside the sun had risen. Long, orange shafts poured into the windows and across the bed. Their cheery warmth only added to Jack�s wretched state and he rolled weakly away from the light that bored its way relentlessly through his eyelids. When will I ever learn? He could hear the sounds of a drowsy Saturday morning filtering in through the partially open window. The occasional rumble of a passing car, the sleepy calls of birds, the bark of a dog, life moving forward without regard for his, or anyone else�s, misery.

Jack rolled onto his back and his stomach churned in protest. Breathing shallowly to calm the nausea he threw an arm across his face. If only he could block out the events of the last few days as easily as he hid from the bright morning light.

The rescue of Heindall and the subsequent battle with Anubis had left little time to think about what had happened to Daniel. Jack had been grateful for the distraction. Being alone brought too many memories to the surface. He felt suffocated, paralyzed by a deep abiding anguish he had not felt since Charlie died.

Jack had to let out his grief, acknowledge Daniel�s sacrifice and move on. But that was logic and it did not apply to the dull ache that now centered within his soul. He had tried, to bury his feelings when Charlie died and it had almost destroyed him. It had blown apart his marriage, leaving both he and Sara emotional wrecks. He could not travel that path again and survive. He wanted to believe that there was something more to the story where Daniel was concerned that the conversation they had in the presence of Oma Desala was not just a fantasy of wishful thinking brought on by despair but real, definitive evidence that human beings could move beyond the physical world. The hard reality of Daniel�s absence brought those ideas crashing back to earth with a sickening jolt. Jack could not think of Daniel in any other way except dead.

General Hammond had made the decision not to have a memorial service for Daniel. Jack had acquiesced but only because he knew he could not handle a public ceremony, not because he really agreed. Daniel had been like a brother, the closeness of their friendship and the depth of his loss were tough enough to reconcile within the privacy of his own mind. The thought of trying to explain or share his pain with anyone was another kind of agony he could not face.

Pulling himself to a sitting position Jack paused for a beat to allow the world to settle into its� normal, non-spinning mode. You�re an idiot Jack, what the hell good did last night do you? Rolling his shoulders to ease the stiffness in his neck he got to his feet and walked out onto the deck. A gentle breeze fanned the cold sweat from his face and ruffled his hair as he leaned on the railing and surveyed the backyard. As usual lawn work and general maintenance had gotten ahead of him. The grass needed mowing and the storage shed was badly in need of a paint job. Jack groaned softly, his head was pounding so hard even his hair hurt.

His gaze drifted to the picnic table and the small brick fireplace nearby. Had it only been two weeks ago that Daniel, Sam, Teal�c, and he had gathered for a friendly dinner of steak and fish? Time seemed to have halted. One moment they were all sharing a beer and discussing their latest exploits and the next Daniel had ascended, in a glowing ball of non-corporeal energy. There was no in between, he was there and then he was gone.

Jack scrubbed at his face with trembling hands. He had done all he could to save Daniel, at least to save his reputation. The President and Joint Chiefs were content to let Daniel take the fall for the diplomatic disaster that had resulted from their contact with Kelowna. The letter Jack had hand delivered to the Kelownan government was little more than a political smokescreen. Everyone involved knew that. Jack had railed against The Powers That Be but in the end it had only earned him a few days R&R, which had been deferred until after the situation with the Asgard had been resolved.

When SG-1 had returned from their mission he discovered that the Kelownan refugee Jonas Quinn had been given quarters on the base. Jack avoided him at all costs. Jonas was a constant reminder that he had failed Daniel in every way that was important.

Then there was Sam

Jack pulled away from the railing and began to pace the short deck, suddenly unable to stand still. Carter�s voice, so soft and pleading, rang hollowly in his ears. She had needed him and reached out for him. At any other time he would have been more than ready to respond, he was desperate to bridge the gap between them, damn the regulations. But Daniel�s death was mind numbing in its intensity, he simply could not cope so he withdrew behind a curtain of excuses, behind the job.

The sudden motion caused Jack�s vision to swim sickeningly. Blood roared in his ears as he slumped into a chair and put his head between his knees. He needed Carter, Sam, here, now. Needed to hold her and tell her how sorry he was for not being there for her.

Their personal stalemate had become truly exhausting over the last two years. Long sleepless nights of frantic thinking hadn�t produced any suitable solutions to the problem. He couldn�t help how he felt and he knew she felt the same, despite the distance she had tried to put between them.

Watching her drift away and explore relationships with other men had been painful but Jack had wished her well. She deserved to be happy and if fate decreed that he was not to be the source of that joy then he could accept it for her sake. But good intentions did not stop his dreams. The touch of her hands, the lilt of her voice as she laughed, they often filled his nights with bittersweet ecstasy until he awoke to the harsh realities they both faced. It didn�t dull the ache he felt whenever she looked his way and smiled the special sweet smile that lit her from within. A smile Jack fancied was just for him.

Lately he had begun to think, hope, that Sam had reached the same conclusion. But just as they were starting to find one another again and perhaps work towards a true realization of their relationship�

Daniel�s death/Ascension had laid his heart bare without any personal barriers to hide behind. Jack felt vulnerable to everyone and everything. The events of the last few days played behind his tightly closed eyelids, he an unwilling participant in the waking nightmare.

Jack felt his stomach clench and he swallowed the fresh nausea along with the lump in his throat. Daniel had been the one person he could talk to. He knew how I felt about Sam before I did! Leaning his head against the wall of the house he breathed deeply, hoping the fresh morning air would drive away the ghosts as well as the liquor induced haze of the previous evening.

Last night�s dinner had turned into a sort of mini wake for Daniel. Jack had sat in O�Malley�s picking at his steak and getting slowly drunk as he reminisced with Sam about their last visit to the place. Teal�c had observed their somewhat stilted exchange with his usual silence, offering only a raised eyebrow and a slight nod when Jack mentioned Daniel�s reaction to being called geek. It had taken the owner over a year to forgive them for the armband incident. The confrontation was a source of immense satisfaction to Daniel. He had told Jack, not long after, that it was one of the few times he had ever really gotten the upper hand in a fight. The fact that his success was due to his armband made little difference to the sensitive archeologist.

�You actually won that fight, Danny boy,� Jack murmured, swallowing hard. �What a goddamn waste!�

He sat on the deck for a long time. The sky changed from vibrant orange to pale yellow and finally to brilliant blue. Amid the birdcalls voices were heard, calling to one another companionably over backyard fences and through kitchen windows. Traffic picked up as people started their day. Beyond the fence bordering his backyard he heard the sounds of his neighbor�s children. Screeching happily as they chased one another and, judging by the barks, the dog around the yard. Above it all the leaves rustled with the sigh of the wind.

The phone rang and Jack groaned aloud at the renewed throbbing in his head. �Go away!� he muttered beneath his breath. 1,2,3,4, rings�he was on the verge of jumping to his feet and throwing the offending object across the bedroom when the answering machine came mercifully to life.

�You�ve reached the home of Jack O�Neill. If you�re selling something hang up if not then leave a message after the tone.� The machine clicked and he strained to hear the voice that followed. Years of being on active duty would not allow him to do otherwise.

At first there was only the sound of hesitant breathing and then the gentle clearing of a throat. �Jack�If you�re there please pick up, this is Sara,� she paused. In the intervening silence Jack heard the pounding of his own heart in his ears. He got shakily to his feet and walked stiff legged into the bedroom, his eyes fixated on the flashing light of the answering machine.

�Jack please�I need to talk to you�I have some news�

He reached for the receiver with a hand gone cold and clammy with sweat. The black plastic nearly slipped from his grasp as he brought the speaker to his lips. �I�m here,� he murmured not entirely sure he had spoken aloud until he heard her gasp.

�Are you okay, you sound�off?�

Had it really been 5 years since they had spoken? Jack shook his head, her words her tone�as if it had only been a few hours a day at most,

�Jack are you there?�

He sagged onto the bed, what does she want? Jack shook his head feeling foolish. She wants answers. Christ knows she deserves them! But why does it have to be now? �Yeah I�m here. Had a late night. What�?� he let the question dangle. Memories of their last encounter flooded back to him and he was suddenly grateful that he had chosen to sit down. His hangover reemerged in all its throbbing glory and he reached up with his free hand to massage his temples.

�I need to talk to you. Are you free this morning?�

Am I free? A myriad of menial tasks sprang to mind as ready excuses but they could not get past his lips as he stared blankly at the phone. She�s waited this long you can�t put her off any longer. Jack cleared his throat, �Yeah I guess I am.�

�An hour?�

�Yeah�okay.�

The phone hummed in his ear.

Jack replaced the receiver on the cradle and scrubbed a hand wearily across his face. The dim echoing halls of the hospital where they had last seen one another came vividly to mind. Sara had seemed so fragile standing there staring down at the crystal form of their son. She had held �Charlie�s� hand in hers her eyes large and filled with fresh grief. Her small pointed chin quivered slightly as she tried to understand what was happening. Jack knew how she felt. He had ached to hold the entity to apologize and beg forgiveness for the foolish mistakes that had ripped Charlie from their lives. Sara was shaking when he held her, warm fresh tears bathing his neck as she clung to him.

�We were good together.�
�We were the greatest.�

It was true and perhaps that was the hardest part. She had completed him. Sara was the only one who had ever really understood him. She listened and when Jack could not share what was on his mind she simply was there quiet, unquestioning, supportive, without demanding anything from him but his love. It was easy to make Sara happy.

Outside a car backfired as it navigated the steep hill that was his street. A creeping numbness stole over Jack as the sound wrenched him from his musings and propelled him into the familiar nightmare that was that horrible endless day when Charlie died. Sitting in the emergency room holding Sara close against him as she trembled, fighting her tears, trying to be strong for both of them. The crack of a single bullet had shattered the peace of a warm fall afternoon and opened a rift between them that he could not bridge.

At first the doctors had been optimistic. Charlie was young and healthy he could come out of this they had reassured. But as afternoon turned to evening Charlie�s life had gradually ebbed away. The doctors had come back to them. Their optimism replaced with sorrow and gentle voices asking if they wanted to donate their son�s corneas, the only usable tissues given the extent of his injuries. It was Sara who signed the papers, Sara who gave consent to shut off the machines and Sara who held their son�s hands as he drifted silently out of their lives. Jack had just stood in the corner of the room his face blank barely able to breathe.

They had driven home without speaking. When they pulled into the drive neither one of them could get out of the car. Sara had released her grief in silent sobs, her face flushed to crimson in the harsh glare of the outside light. She clung white knuckled to the seat every muscle twitching the only sound the rasp of air as she gasped her sorrow between clenched teeth.

I just sat there and let her cry!

Seven years had not dulled the pain of that dreadful day. Jack drew his knees up and bowed his head. I hid like I always do! He slowly rolled his head from side to side. Coward!

To his surprise and dismay he had felt nothing. He had expected a punishing onslaught of grief as waves of guilt over his carelessness assaulted him. He had wished that Sara would rave and pound on him with shaking fists. She would be totally justified if she never spoke a word to him again. Instead there was simply emptiness. He breathed in and out, his heart beat regularly in his chest, his limbs did not tremble, tears did not burn his eyelids. There was no struggle to contain his anguish, there was nothing!

It would be weeks before he sensed the depth of his own despair and when he finally did begin to feel, it became a downward spiral. Long silent evenings spent in a stupor watching TV with sightless eyes as he clutched a bottle of whiskey or slowly emptied a case of beer.

Initially Sara had done her best to be there for both of them. She went to work every day, paid the bills, did the shopping and fielded the phone calls from their anxious friends. Sara made sure he ate and she put him to bed every night, sometimes literally stripping the clothes from his wasting frame.

She moved on when I couldn�t, or at least she tried to.

Jack lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. It had been an act, the same act he was now putting on for Carter and Teal�c.

Life had separated into two distinct parts, before and after Charlie�s death. There was no gray area in between and there was no one else to share his pain with. He deserved to feel this way Sara was an innocent bystander to the events Jack had set in motion. The fact that she was falling apart right along with him was immaterial.

On the rare occasions when reality did invade Jack�s self-imposed purgatory Sara�s silence was unbearable. A cold, bitter breeze the distinct opposite of her usually passive patient nature. It was the only outward sign of how incredibly angry and hurt she was. He was the first to leave, for a day and then a week. Sleeping on a friend�s couch hiding from her rage, wallowing in self-recrimination. After one particularly lengthy bender he had come home and Sara had found him in their bedroom staring at Charlie�s picture, cradling a loaded revolver. There had been no argument, not even angry words, she had simply packed a duffle bag with a change of clothing and she had left. .

Shortly thereafter Jack had abandoned their house, memories lurked in every corridor and haunted his dreams, he could not stay. He had taken an apartment across town and attempted to pull himself together. Sara would visit intermittently they would even try to reconcile. A chill January night found them wrapped in one another�s arms. Their love making frantic, tinged with desperation as they struggled to find the intimacy that had fled like a shadow with that single resounding gunshot. In the end he had been unable to fulfill her sexually any more than he could meet her emotional needs.

She had left without a word.

Jack swallowed hard, that night was the first, and last, time he had given vent to his misery. His grief poured forth in bone wrenching sobs as he paced from room to room, shaking uncontrollably. Finally he had run, coatless, through the freezing winter night. Sorrow snapped at his heels driving him faster and faster until quite suddenly he was outside the cemetery where Charlie lay buried. The sharp wind stole between the stones whipping debris into the air, fluttering ribbons and tossing holiday trinkets across the snowy earth. His heart slamming in his chest Jack breathed in ragged gasps, as he stood motionless, too weak to step through the gates.

From his vantage point he could see Charlie�s gravesite. A mottled black monument with his picture engraved over the date, barren and desolate looking, despite the splash of color from a potted poinsettia. Jack had stood there for a long time his mind reeling as reality finally broke through the haze that was his life since Charlie had died.

Eventually the cold had penetrated his stupor and he had turned away wandering aimlessly until the first pale streaks of dawn lightened the sky. He had not returned to the cemetery since.

The day the Air Force had come calling Sara had been there, making one final attempt to reach him. He had paid her no heed, convinced that his life had been irretrievably shattered. The mission to Abydos looked like the answer to his problems. He was ready, eager to end the pain that filled his every moment, awake or asleep.

Looking back there was no doubt that he owed his very existence to the Abydonian people and Daniel in particular.

Jack sat up cautiously testing his equilibrium. When the world remained hazy but decidedly still he got shakily to his feet. Donning a pair of sweats and a clean shirt Jack walked down the short hallway to the staircase that led to his living room. Taking the stairs two at a time he reached the bottom and started to cross to the kitchen. A flash of light caught Jack�s eye and he paused by the fireplace. Sunlight had bounced off the glass in a picture frame perched on the mantle. It was a picture of Daniel and himself at his cabin. With Sam coaching him Teal�c had taken it when the four of them had gone up over the 4th of July weekend. Jack studied the photo for a long time. The camaraderie of that day filled him with warmth and regret.

Jack had sat in this very room and lied to Daniel 5 years earlier. He had told his friend that Sara had left while he was gone on his first mission to Abydos. It was easier than the truth.

Sighing deeply Jack replaced the photo and went into the kitchen. He had just turned on the coffee machine when he heard the sound of tires crunching on gravel. �Can�t be,� he muttered as he peered between the blinds that covered his kitchen window.

A small red sedan was parked beside his pick-up truck. Feeling like a garden-variety peeping tom Jack watched as Sara�s petite form emerged from the car and started walking towards his front porch. Leaving the coffee to perk Jack headed for the foyer. The reality that she was actually on the other side of the door stopped him cold. Years of regret washed over Jack and a fresh, cold sweat dotted his hairline.

What could he say to someone who he had failed so utterly? The gentle tap of knuckles on wood left him no options. Licking his dry lips Jack opened the door just as she raised her fist to knock a second time.

�Hi.�

�Hi,� he echoed. They stood staring at one another for an endless moment.

Sara had changed little in the last five years. Her hair was a touch longer and the creases around her eyes had deepened a bit but she still projected the image of someone who was comfortable in her own skin. There was a sparkle in her eyes that had been missing in the hospital hallway. Had life finally dealt her a gentle hand, Jack hoped so as he gestured her inside.

�You want coffee? I just made a fresh pot.�

�Yeah that would be great, cream��

�No sugar,� he finished with a soft smile. �I remember.�

He went to the kitchen and returned with a pair of steaming mugs. Placing them on the coffee table he indicated the couch with a nod of his head before settling in the worn armchair diagonally across from her. �So what did you want to talk about?� he tried to sound casual but his heart was racing in tandem with the pounding in his head. The ghost of last night�s binge enhanced the apprehension he felt.

Sara took a sip of her coffee. �Always right to the point,� she observed, �you haven�t changed.�

�No,� he affirmed

�I�m getting remarried Jack.�

A plethora of emotions exploded in Jack�s mind. He was surprised and disgusted by the fact that anger and resentment seemed to be foremost among them. �And you want my blessing?� he spat before he could stop himself.

She blinked but her expression did not change, clearly she had been expecting his reaction.

Why didn�t I see this coming? Sara is a vibrant attractive woman with a ready laugh and a sharp wit� Just because you�re living like a monk Jack! He took a sip of his coffee and instantly regretted it as his stomach roiled in protest. Fingers slick with fresh sweat Jack put the mug on the table and waited for Sara to say something.

�I don�t want your blessing Jack,� she murmured, �I do want some answers.�

�About,� he prodded stalling for time.

She recognized his query for what it was and shook her head with a disgusted click of her tongue. �Please let�s not do this��

He raised his eyebrows giving her an innocent look.

�The last time we saw one another, Jack!� Sara let go an exasperated sigh spilling her coffee as she put her mug down with too much force on the coffee table. �Dammit why are you making this so hard?�

Because it is.

His reaction, as always, was to feign ignorance and hope that the situation resolved itself. Daniel had told him many times that he wasn�t very good at hiding his feelings. The message had never sunk in so the defense mechanism persisted. The ploy was useless with Sara however, she knew him too well. Looking up Jack caught her staring at him; studying his face clearly concerned. He shifted uncomfortably, knowing what was coming even before she spoke.

�Jack, something�s happened hasn�t it?�

�Why would you say that?� he replied too quickly.

�Because it�s true,� leaning forward she rested a tentative hand on his knee and looked up at him, waiting.

Anxiety twisted his insides into a painful knot and Jack released a shuddering breath. �Yeah,� he admitted in a hushed voice. �Something has happened.�

Sara�s capacity to show compassion was amazing, how could she care after how I reacted to her news?

Like so many times in their long history Sara sat patiently and said nothing. She squeezed Jack�s knee and reached for her coffee, taking a small sip before placing it back precisely on the milky ring formed by the earlier spillage.

Jack shifted in his seat as if to rise, but Sara�s steadfast gaze held him firmly in place. He gestured weakly to the picture on the mantle. �Do you remember Daniel? From the hospital?� he winced. The subject matter had already made a tight U-turn back into dangerous territory.

She nodded slightly taking in the photo with a brief swivel of her head before returning her gaze to his face. �Yes, with the glasses.�

Jack swallowed hard as the next statement stuck in his throat. He let his eyes roam the room and through the French doors onto the deck, seeking to steady his nerves with the placid scene of his empty backyard. The silence there was oppressive, however, and he winced inwardly. It seemed that ghosts were all around him. Sara squeezed his knee again and Jack finally looked at her his voice barely audible when he spoke. �He died�in an accident.�

�Oh my God,� Sara reached out and covered his hands with hers. �I�m so sorry, Jack. When did it happen?�

�A few days ago.�

Sara held his hands and Jack focused all his thoughts on that simple gesture as he struggled for control. He knew he was trembling and judging by the look in her eyes Sara knew it as well. He breathed a small sigh of gratitude when she chose not to comment instead she stroked his knuckles in soothing spirals. In all their years together he had never come so close to falling apart in front of her. After an eternity his heart ceased pounding and he gently disengaged himself from her grip. Rising Jack crossed to the French doors and walked out onto the deck letting the warm spring air drive the last of the chills away.

After a few moments she followed him. �How are you doing with this?� she asked softly.

He shrugged trying to sound nonchalant. �I�m okay.�

�You went out last night?�

Jesus, I�m like an open book to her! �Yeah, but not alone. How did you know?�

�I remember the signs,� she reminded him, a tinge of sadness in her voice.

�Yeah, I guess you would.�

�I�m glad you weren�t alone.�

He turned slightly and looked at her. �I�m not, at least not anymore,� he replied, not entirely sure about the validity of the statement but unwilling to explore the subject any further.

Sara nodded accepting his answer at face value, at least for the moment. �How did it happen?�

�Classified,� he replied and saw her flinch. �Not much has changed I�m afraid.�

�Did it have anything to do with the Stargate?�

Jack stiffened. �How did you�oh yeah, of course.�

Sara walked to the deck railing and leaned on it. Sunlight played in her hair painting it with streaks of platinum. She looked so small and vulnerable to Jack he wanted to tell her everything. She deserves more than I�ve ever been able to give!

Sara had always accepted his military activities as an extension him. He had even worn his dress uniform for their wedding. There had never been any arguments about missed family functions, or holidays. No interrogations about where he had been for days, weeks, even months at a time. Only loving arms that held him close each time he returned. Jack had grown to hate the secret aspect of his work. Knowing that the price of it was growing higher with each new, classified mission. Ultimately years of keeping quiet had built a wall that neither could penetrate.

As for the brief glimpse Sara had gotten of the Stargate program�

There was no point in denying what she did know and Jack saw no reason to try. The Air Force had debriefed Sara after the incident with the crystal life form. Jack had been off world at the time but even if he had been on base he would have opted out. Their brief conversation in the hospital corridor had told him that the entity had been far more forthcoming than he ever had. This time Jack knew he couldn�t face her and not reveal what had happened, it was simply beyond his power. All the special ops training in the world couldn�t overcome the exceptional bond they had once shared, and in some respects always would despite time and distance.

�It wasn�t you was it? It wasn�t Charlie either,� she murmured beneath her breath.

How do I tell you that what you saw wasn�t me, wasn�t our son, only a cloned image of the flesh and blood child we loved so much? I wish it had been me who tried to make you understand. �No,� Jack acknowledged reluctantly, he sagged into a chair drained and at a loss. Where do I go from here?

Sara turned and leaned against the railing. �Jack, you told me that you wanted to hear all about it. Do you remember that day in the hospital?�

�Yes,� at the time it had been true. But in the end their shared history was still too painful to touch and he had hidden for five years behind the excuse that he just didn�t have the time to deal with Sara�s emotional baggage, never mind that it was his as well.

�I looked for you at the debriefing. I expected you there. Though I�m not sure why.�

�Regulations,� he offered.

She smirked and shook her head. �No you were hiding from me. Why Jack? It had been nearly 2 years, what did you think I was going to do, bite?�

�Of course not,� he shook his head and winced at the stiffness in his neck.

Sara folded her arms. Her blue eyes had turned steel gray as her patience neared its end. �The fellow who looked like you, he knew a lot about us Jack. How did he know that stuff? How did he know about Charlie? He knew details about what happened between us�what have you been telling these people you work for? Were they following me�� her voice rose higher and higher as she spilled out her frustrations. �Why would they need to know about our break-up? I mean I never told anyone how bad it got between us, God knows I wanted to and I probably should have but I never did!�

�I never told anyone either,� he interrupted.

Sara closed her mouth with an audible snap. Her cheeks were flushed with the intensity of her feelings. She locked her gaze with his, silently demanding an answer that Jack could not give, at least not entirely. In the end he was the first to look away. Sara was the only woman besides Sam, who could make him back down,

�I can�t tell you how he knew those things,� I wish I could! �But no one ever ordered a tail on you. There�s never been any reason to.�

She started to protest then shook her head. �What�s the use you�ll never tell me, you never could.�

�Like I said not much has changed.�

�You have,� she responded quietly. �There�s something different about you Jack. It�s like you�re searching for something, like you�ve lost your focus.�

Jack opened his mouth to deny her conclusions and then closed it with a sigh. She isn�t going to let this go. �I�m tired Sara�worn out I guess.�

Sara said nothing for a long while. Jack studied his clasped hands his stomach twisting into painful sickening knots as he waited for her to ask the questions that hung suspended between them.

�Do you want to know what he said to me? Does it even matter to you?�

�Yes it does,� Jack replied softly, amazed that he could say anything at all. Am I really ready for this?

�He came to the house, Jack.�

�I know we traced his route.�

She shook her head. �Why doesn�t that surprise me?� Sara shifted her weight and rubbed her arms.

�Do you want to go inside?�

�No, here is better.�

He nodded gratefully the cozy living room suddenly seemed claustrophobic.

�He went upstairs and into Charlie�s room, looked at his things�I thought it was you, I thought finally you were�dealing with what happened. I thought you had come back to talk things out,� Sara sighed deeply sucking on her lower lip. �You looked so�I thought you were going to cry.�

What would she say if she knew he had, if she knew about that January night? How he walked for hours until his body had grown as numb with cold as his heart had from grief. Jack closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall of the house. He heard her sigh in obvious frustration before she continued.

�We went to the park�you know the one?�

Gods yes!

Jack steadfastly avoided that area of Colorado Springs. When Charlie�s frequent batting practices had shattered an upstairs window they had moved their games to the park down the street. Ten acres of greenery interspersed with wide, open meadows, a baseball diamond and a pond had provided an oasis for father and son to play. �Yes,� he murmured, �I remember.�

�He wanted to know if that was where we had come the first time we met. Or rather you and I met,� she laughed hollowly. �Then he told me the reason that you left that time. He said it was because I was angry.�

�You were,� Jack stated flatly.

�Yes I was, a part of me always will be but if you had just opened up to me, I needed you�� she trailed off and Jack opened his eyes. She was looking at him, a sad little smile on her lips. �Funny, I told him the same thing. It�s just as true now as it was then. I needed you so much.�

�I know��

�You know?� she stared at him mouth agape. �It�s like you were inside his head, or he was inside yours. Scary place for anyone I�m sure.�

He chuckled softly at her comment. Try living in here! �I can�t explain��

�Yeah, classified,� she retorted with a bitterness that surprised Jack. �Why didn�t you talk to me? Why didn�t you ask? When Charlie died, or after that night in the hospital, or any time in the last seven years?� Sara swallowed loudly and wiped a hand across her face. �When I saw Charlie that night�I thought I was going crazy�I waited for you to explain��

Jack rose and went to lean on the railing brushing his shoulder against hers. He couldn�t look her in the face but he had to touch her, to let her know that he understood. Time had granted him at least that much.

�He knew how much Charlie loved baseball and he knew that the hospital is where Charlie died�Jack, he knew how much I was hurting I could see it in his eyes,� Sara turned and searched his face. Reaching out she tipped Jack�s chin up with soft fingers forcing him to meet her eyes. �I see it in yours here, now.�

�A lot has happened since then, Sara,� it wasn�t much of an answer and she waited, her gaze steady and intently fixed on him. �I couldn�t talk to you�not then.� Jack turned away and walked the length of the deck trailing one hand on the railing, the aged wood smooth and soft beneath his fingertips. �I�ve been through a lot, seen a lot, it�s changed how I look at things��

�I wish I could have been there for you.�

He stopped and spun around awed by her statement. �How can you say that after what happened?�

�Because I always thought we could get through anything. We got through Iraq, looking back I�m not sure how, but we managed.� She sucked in her lower lip and dropped her eyes to her hands, which were slowly twisting the hem of her T-shirt. �When Charlie died I waited�I was sure you would snap out of it, I thought if anyone in the world could bounce back it would be you. That�s why I tried so hard to get closer to you and stay close,� Sara shook her head her voice had grown thick with emotion. �I was angry but I was also scared to death. I needed you so much then and you just weren�t there��

�I couldn�t be!� Jack exclaimed the tone of his voice frightened him. He was on the verge of losing control and he struggled to step back and take a breath, unwilling to make this day any more dramatic than it had already been. �I couldn�t��

�I know that now�neither of us were capable of seeing beyond the next hour most of the time,� Sara ran a hand across her eyes and took a deep breath. �If nothing else you can thank him for that.�

Jack wasn�t sure what she meant by that statement but he was willing to let it ride. The pain and confusion brought on by the Crystal entity came back to him in a brief blinding flash and he winced gingerly shaking his head to banish the image. �I don�t know why I�ve stayed away,� Jack admitted raising his eyes to meet hers. �I guess it was just easier than having to admit I was a coward.� There he had said it finally and now he could only wait and wonder at the fallout.

Sara vehemently shook her head. �You are the bravest man I have ever met, Jack. Losing Charlie was the hardest thing we�ve ever faced��

�It was my fault��

�No it was our fault!� she denied, �I knew the gun was in the house, I knew where you kept the ammunition. I could have said no but I didn�t. I guess I looked at it as an extension of you, of your life. I could have and should have gotten rid of it.�

He stared at her. Was Sara really taking a measure of the guilt that was justifiably his? �No I won�t let you do this, it�s not fair��

�None of this is fair!� Sara turned and walked into the house.

Jack followed immediately he had to say something, Sara did not deserve a guilty conscience. That was his domain, his alone. He stopped cold when he saw her standing by the fireplace. Half hidden by a piece of driftwood and tucked back into a niche in the stonework above the mantelpiece was a picture of Charlie in his baseball uniform. Jack had placed it there years ago. His son�s smiling face was almost too painful to look at, but he could not bear to put it away for the same reason. Sara had found the picture and was cradling it with trembling hands, tracing the outline of Charlie�s face with bone white fingers. �Gods he loved baseball, Jack.�

�Yeah,� Jack crossed the room and gently took the picture from her. �Sara?�

She sank into his arms and Jack held her tightly, burying his face in her neck. Time melted away and they were suddenly back in the warmth and promise of that bright fall day that had ended in a white hot flash of resounding agony for both of them. He leaned on her as tears pricked his eyelids. Years of walls crumbled to dust as they rocked each other finally sharing their mutual grief with soft murmurs and faces shiny with tears.

Sara was the first to pull back and he let her go reluctantly. She swiped a hand across her damp cheeks and took a deep breath. �I don�t know what to say�I didn�t come over here to dredge all this up.�

�Yes you did,� Jack smiled slightly at the indignant flush that rose in her cheeks. �It should have been said long ago.�

�Yes it should have�but still after what you told me about Daniel I should have just left it alone��

Jack shook his head and wandered into the kitchen. The mention of Daniel had brought the present day back with pounding force. He searched his cupboards for a glass and ran the tap until it was cold.

Sara padded into the room behind him as he slowly downed the water. Jack felt his stomach flip over and finally settle as the refreshing liquid entered his system. Running a second glass he pulled a pair of Alka Seltzer tablets from a box on a shelf over the sink. �It�s okay, Sara, I�m glad its out in the open,� he murmured as he dropped the tablets in the water and watched them fizz to life. �When will I ever learn?�

She laughed softly at his back and he gave her a sour look over his shoulder as he took the glass back into the living room and slumped onto the sofa. �So tell me about what�s his name?� Jack managed after downing the medicine, Jesus that�s nasty!

Sara sat in the armchair and pulled her left leg under her. It was a curiously adolescent thing to do and Jack marveled at how young she looked. �His name is Robert Atkins, he works for the Agency of Natural Resources.�

�A tree hugger,� Jack pronounced with a smirk.

Sara frowned at him, �Yes I suppose you would see it that way. He�s a very smart man, Jack. He�s divorced and he has a teenage son, Charlie would be about the same age as Jeff come to think of it,� she looked away for a moment and Jack flinched involuntarily.

�Does he make you happy?� he asked softly. Guilt had made him bitter but their conversation had laid at least a few of the demons to rest at last. His earlier anger and resentment had dissolved into a sense of satisfaction and a measure of happiness. She deserves it!

�Yes he does��

Sara let the words hang between them. A vague sense of longing for what they had shared and lost was still there for both of them but the doors had been closed a long time ago. Jack nodded and offered her a slightly wistful smile. �That�s all that matters then.�

�I suppose,� she agreed. �What about you? You said a lot has happened, things have changed�do you have someone? Are you happy Jack?�

What am I?

Lonely! The word flashed through his thoughts and Jack bit his tongue to stop it from flying out of his mouth. Confused, another word that struggled for life. Jack swallowed the last dregs in his glass, forcing the terms to the back of his mind. Sara was looking at him again, her blue eyes searching his face. She�s got the patience of Job! He fidgeted uncomfortably. Tired, Perhaps a bit desperate? Jack ran a hand through his hair avoiding her gaze. Admitting the depths of his frustration and despair over the situation with Carter would open up a whole new round of questions. Do I even have the answers? Does Sam?

�There is someone isn�t there Jack? I mean you said you weren�t alone last night, you weren�t lying.�

It was a statement, not a question. Sara was sure of her observations she always had been at least where he was concerned. The only time she had failed was when Charlie died, a fact that Jack could easily overlook considering her state of mind. �I wasn�t alone,� he murmured looking at the floor.

�It�s someone you work with?�

�Yeah, it�s complicated, Sara.�

�When hasn�t it been where your job is concerned?�

Her tone held a resentful edge, which didn�t surprise Jack. He could hardly blame her. There was no question that the stoicism fostered by years of military service was at least partially responsible for the dissolution of their marriage. Jack turned in his seat and stared at the Japanese Sand Garden on the end table by the couch. He picked up one of the colorful rakes and drew a series of spirals. Bits of rock and tiny crystals flashed in the sunlight from the windows and painted the design in brilliant color. �She�s a lot like you,� he said quietly

�Really?�

�She�s got a killer smile,� Jack looked up with a roguish grin enjoying Sara�s blush. �She�s smart and sexy and she laughs at my jokes.�

�That has to be a prerequisite,� Sara quipped. The smile she radiated back at him was the first relaxed expression she had worn since she arrived. �You deserve to be happy, Jack, don�t let the complications stand in the way of that.�

He started to respond then closed his mouth with a sigh. Sara could never truly understand how difficult a relationship with Carter could be. Setting the miniature rake on the edge of the garden Jack looked out the open doors towards the deck. The breeze had shifted and warm humid air was slowly pushing its way into the house�s interior. �Going to be hot today.�

Sarah laughed softly. �You haven�t changed a whit in some ways!�

He nodded there was no denying the truth. �When�s the big day?�

They talked then. Voices soft, conversation surface and noncommittal. Robert was about his age, and he liked tennis, a sport Jack despised unconditionally. They were going to have an outdoor service in September at a local State Park, just close friends and family. Would he like to come? For a brief moment Jack considered the offer but let it fall to the side with a slight shake of his head. Sara nodded her understanding and continued.

Daniel sprang instantly to mind and Jack cringed inwardly at the fresh ache in his heart. He kept his eyes focused on his sunlit backyard. Hoping the bright warmth of the spring morning would keep the dark shadows of the last few days at bay for at least a little while longer.

He didn�t know how long they had sat in silence before Sara�s gentle touch on his knee snapped him back to the present with a sickening thud. �Daniel meant a lot to you didn�t he?�

�Yeah he did,� Jack whispered, not trusting himself to say more. Daniel had been like a partner in the conspiracy that was his relationship with Sam. �He knew what was going on between me and�our teammate, I think he knew before I did.� Before I could let myself believe.

�It�s the blonde I met that day, isn�t it?� Sara guessed

He flinched and nodded stiffly. �Sara, it�s against regulations��

She smiled again and raised a placating hand. �Say no more, I see your problem.�

Jack did not answer but dropped his eyes back to the sand garden.

Sara rose from her seat and gestured towards the outdoors. �I have to be going now, I�ve some errands to run and then Robert has a tennis match this afternoon.�

Jack followed her to the door. �Congratulations,� he murmured and kissed her on the cheek. She smelled of soft musk and vanilla and he drank it in, knowing without doubt that this would be the last time he would talk to her.

She squeezed his arm a frown creasing her forehead. �We�ll talk again.�

�Sure we will,�

If she recognized his answer as a lie she did not let on. Stretching slightly she grazed his cheek with her lips. �Take care, Jack.�

�Good-bye.�

He watched her walk away. When she reached her car she turned and waved before slipping behind the wheel.

Jack closed the door with a soft click and walked back to the living room. He collected their coffee cups, and cleaned up the spilled milk with a dishcloth before heading upstairs to his bedroom. As he showered and shaved he tried not to think about where he was going or what he had to do.

Feeling a bit more human after he had dressed in a clean white shirt and black trousers Jack went to stand in front of the bathroom mirror. The image that stared back at him was one of a decidedly middle-aged man, hair more salt than pepper. A crease was permanently etched across his forehead and the frown lines along his jaw were deep and jagged. He had aged more than he cared to admit and Jack found himself wondering how and when that had happened. Hard to believe Sara didn�t run screaming from the room when she saw me!

He finished combing his hair and smoothed the collar of his shirt into place. It�s not all bad, Jack! He smiled wanly at his reflection. No there was still a spark in his eye, a bit overshadowed by the vestiges of last night�s overindulgence but nonetheless present. He was still fit and healthy give or take the odd pain�

What the hell am I doing?

Shaking his head at his self-indulgence Jack went downstairs. Grabbing his keys from the counter he went out into the fresh spring air. The truck rumbled to life at the first turn of the key and Jack backed carefully onto the street. At the base of the hill where he lived was an intersection. In the whole four years he had lived in the house he had taken the right only once. Going that direction meant traveling a residential neighborhood filled with families. There was a small white chapel on that route as well and behind the chapel was the cemetery where Charlie lay buried.

Geographically he was only two miles from his son�s grave but Jack had avoided it like the plague. The tightening in his chest, the pounding of his heart�the physical symptoms of his anxiety felt like a disease. The vestiges of his grief struggling to be acknowledged and dealt with, Jack swallowed hard and leaned on the wheel.

The familiar sense of panic assaulted him as he eased the truck around the corner and slowly accelerated. His hands on the steering wheel had turned ghostly pale. He willed them to stop shaking as he drove past yards filled with children. Through his open window he heard their shrill voices and the slap of basketballs mingled with the steady thump of a backyard radio and the splash of his tires as he drove through puddles made by garden hoses. The simple clapboard covered church loomed into view. He saw a truck and trailer parked in the circular drive. The steady rumble of a lawnmower could be heard as Jack eased his vehicle to the edge of the road leading to the cemetery.

He switched off the ignition and sat for a long time. The chill January night of his last visit had been much different. Warm sunshine and vibrant colorful flowers had replaced the bleak barren landscape. Many of the monuments were still decorated for Mother�s day. The breeze was a gentle stirring that lifted and caressed flags and ribbons instead of tearing them to threads. Teddy bears and plastic pots filled with fresh blooms lent cheer to a place that had seemed utterly devoid of any kind of joy on that cold winter night.

He climbed from his truck and walked to the unlatched gates. They swung easily on well-oiled hinges as he entered and turned unerringly towards Charlie�s black mottled headstone.

The smiling face of his son was frozen in time. The artist had captured the dimple in his chin and the tenderness in his brown eyes. Jack reached out and touched the image stroking the painted cheek. �Hi Charlie,� he murmured, his voice seemed shockingly loud though he only whispered. Jack squatted down and spotted a white teddy bear nestling among the last of the crocuses. The bear clutched a tiny wand topped with a gold star. Jack smiled wanly and tapped the point of the star with one finger. He pulled away some of the dead grass and leaves that had settled in among the new growth at the base of the stone. Beneath some foliage he spied a red ribbon and the remains of a cloth heart. Jack wiped the dirt from the ribbon and smoothed it on top of the stone. Stitched in silver were the words, You are Remembered Love Mom and Dad.

Fresh, warm tears escaped Jack�s eyes and trailed down his cheeks as he leaned heavily on the stone. You were here Sara, every holiday, every anniversary. You held our son close despite the distance of death. Jack looked at the ribbon again. You held us both close to your heart. The thought sent shivers down his back and Jack ached to tell Sara how much he appreciated everything she had ever tried to do. Somehow the words spoken only an hour before just didn�t seem like enough, but in the end they would have to do.

Jack raised his face to the sunshine and let its rays dry his tears. The breeze rose and stirred his hair, fanning the flush from his cheeks. The stone beneath his hands felt alive somehow, his rational mind reminded him that black attracted heat but he shoved the thought aside. Preferring instead to absorb the comforting warmth into his soul, to finally open the door and allow his son to return to his rightful place.

The grumble of the approaching lawnmower broke the spell. Brushing a hand across his face Jack took a last look at the grave and then returned to his truck. There was someone else he had to see.

Continued in Part Two �Moving On...

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