IN TIME

�Daniel, you need to read this.�

�What is it?�

�Just read it, then come find me�.�

He should have known by the way Jack shuffled his feet and didn�t quite meet his eyes. The feel of the long fingers patting him on the shoulder as the older man turned away. The hesitant departure accompanied by a bone weary sigh that seemed to come from his toes. Maybe if his memory were better, if Jack were a little less cryptic�

Maybe�

The cream colored folder emblazoned with the SGC seal seemed innocent enough. Then he opened it.

Daniel sat back on the couch and stared into the darkness beyond the window. The report slipped from his limp fingers and settled to the carpet. Pages fluttered loudly in the resounding silence of the empty apartment. He blinked, watching his image move in slow motion upon the glass. Mouth slightly agape, eyes huge and dazed even in the smudgy reflection.

�Both Colonel O�Neill and Teal�c have filed reports stating that you�visited�them in some capacity over the last year. They claimed you were the reason that they returned to Abydos. Do you remember any of this?�

Dr. McKenzie�s words echoed through his mind. Sounding as weak and insubstantial as the harsh breath issuing from his arid throat.

�No, I don�t. Should I?�

Oh dear God�

Daniel pulled off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Through the skew of his cross-eyed gaze, he saw the flesh of his face turning bone white with the pressure of thumb and index finger.

Kasuf�Skaara� a dozen, a hundred different names flashed through his numbed brain. Smiling faces that exuded warmth and hospitality, a cherished heritage the Abydonians fostered without reservation. Bronzed skin aglow with laughter as they sang and celebrated their victory over Ra, and later their escape from Apophis� wrath. Shining with tears when he left them, and later when he returned.

�Nothing good can come through this Gate, do you understand me?�

�You came through it, Dan-yel.�

Nothing good�

He wanted to scream, pound the floor with foot and fist, throw the coffee table through the window and watch it crash to the ground three stories below; but there was nothing. No tears, no surge of strengthening rage, just a blank gray wall. Daniel dropped his gaze to his lap. His fingers were clenching slowly in and out. A mechanical rhythm that was apparently independent of his dazed and spinning brain. As his attention refocused they jerked and trembled. Conscious thought somehow disturbed the sparking synapses, derailing the impulses as they made their purposeful jump from one nerve to the next. He raised the twitching digits and stared myopically. The movement increased, and a dull ache spread from tip to elbow. Daniel clasped the fingers together and squeezed. The bones cracked and sharp pains blossomed from the joints, radiating across the backs of his hands. The skin whitened and the veins popped higher as his pulse quickened.

It can�t be true�they can�t all be gone�Surely Oma would have stopped it�She had and yet�

Daniel licked his lips and watched as his hands fell apart and landed heavily on the couch. His arms burned and trembled. Flesh and bone wracked by feelings that could not find release, despite their painful intensity.

They were dead�

In every way that could ever matter the Abydonians were lost to the universe.

Daniel shook his head, wondering at the disconcerting sensation of detachment. As if this block of bone that housed his fantastically useless brain would wobble free of its fleshy perch and roll across the carpeted floor, heedless of need or want. Cut free of its accustomed reality and set adrift upon a sea of baffling inconsistencies and frustratingly irresolvable situations.

He remembered nothing of substance from the year spent as a non-corporeal being.

�In time�� He received this ridiculous piece of advice with a barely repressed bark of hysterical laughter. How could McKenzie, or anyone else, have a clue? What miracle of the medical could possibly prepare the overconfident shrink for his situation?

There were feelings, which were far more concrete than the psychiatrist�s well-meaning recommendations. The dominant sensation was that Oma had not done the Abydonians any favors. Ascension was not safety in the literal sense, only the doorway to a plethora of hidden dangers. A greater variety of responsibilities with a far lesser degree of control awaited Daniel�s adopted people.

The helplessness that permeated the gray void of lost time prowled the fringes of conscious thought. Like a frenzied carnivore subsisting on nightmare, it gnashed and frothed at the snatches of memory that chanced to coalesce. Devouring hope and leaving the pervasive seeds of melancholy in its� wake. These kernels of sorrow had exploded as he read the report now lying in an innocent pile of paper on the floor.

In time�

Dear God�

Daniel pushed to his feet and paced to the window. He touched the glass and let his fingers slide through the burgeoning cloud of condensation. The glass was cold and slippery with the moisture. He shivered, chilled to the core.

There was no time left for his people. The friends he had loved and laughed with, wept and fought for, were gone. Their homes pulverized into dust by the unwarranted fury of a being gone mad, and their bodies and souls laid waste by the misguided intentions of a race consumed with the burning desire for justice and peace.

He chuckled harshly. The exhalations plumed onto the window, obscuring the blink of city lights. Daniel ducked and leaned his forehead against the glass. He rocked slowly from side to side, listening to the distracting sound of his hair as it brushed his collar.

Scratch�

Scratch�

Like the fog on the window, the annoying noise was a real, tangible event. It existed and could be acted upon. Ceased or started, felt, heard and seen. A fantastically simple occurrence that seemed inordinately important in his current state of confusion. There was no question of ethics. No overwhelming responsibility to heed to the unwritten laws of the greater good, just a simple sound. Which faded to nothing when confronted with the largely unconscious action of holding his head still.

Daniel pushed off the glass and spun on his heel. The dimly lit room tilted crazily, and he swallowed nausea while waiting impatiently for the world to settle into place. When had he last eaten? Perhaps the light dose of Valium McKenzie had prescribed accounted for the queasiness? He shrugged, and stepped over the discarded report. Trying in vain not to see the lines of indisputable words as he proceeded towards the kitchen without enthusiasm.

During SG-1�s recent absence, the Air Force had set up a new apartment and removed the remainder of his possessions from storage. He was still amazed that Jack and the rest of the team had been so insistent that the items not be given away, sold, or destroyed after his Ascension. He was grateful for the consideration. A year was a long time not to give up hope, his impromptu and not altogether believable visits notwithstanding.

Their good intentions meant nothing, unfortunately. The items had a cold, impersonal feel to them. He stopped in the doorway of the kitchen and glanced to the right. A low bookshelf abutted the wall, the top covered with a range of small statues and carvings. His stilted memory told him they were Egyptian, Asian, and Central American artifacts depicting similar god forms and legends. A brief thrill of excitement fluttered in his chest and died, smothered by a frustrated sigh. Who were these Gods? What similarities of myth and fact connected them? Why was it so important?

Daniel pounded a clenched fist against the wall, wincing as the pine dented and the figures jumped across the dusty surface of the shelf. One of the carvings tipped over the edge and landed with a dull thump. He bit his lip as the bent arm snapped free and sank deeper into the pile of the carpet.

Did it even matter anymore?

He walked into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator door. The harsh light flooded over his feet and he blinked, momentarily blinded by the glow. A jug of milk and a carton of orange juice materialized out of the white haze. He reached in and shoved them aside. Fingers flitted from item to item without interest. Cheese, a loaf of bread, cold cuts... He bent and leaned further in, surveying a variety of fruits and vegetables through the clear plastic tops of the bins. Nothing held appeal, and eventually Daniel stepped back and slammed the door.

Did the Ascended eat? Maybe there was an advantage to being a glowing octopus, as Jack had described him over coffee. Was it only this morning? Daniel shook his head and paced back to the doorway. Behind him the fridge hummed loudly to life, at odds with the muted rumble of city traffic. Suddenly restless, he walked through the living room and into the near total darkness of the bedroom. His hand hovered over the light switch and then fell to his thigh. Moving carefully, Daniel proceeded around the end of the bed and reached the curtained French doors. The evening breeze was refreshingly cool against his cheeks as he stepped out onto the small balcony.

Colorado Springs pulsed and rumbled like a live thing. In the distance, he heard the throaty roar of a jet and the intermittent pipe and wail of sirens. Below, a passerby laughed loudly and someone yelled a name. Tires squealed and a voice swore harshly as the motors revved and faded. Daniel shivered, caught off guard by the onslaught of normalcy. This was the world he had left behind. The existence instinct insisted he should be accustomed to.

In the rush to attack Anubis and aid Jonas� planet there had been little time to reflect on the changes in his situation. Suddenly lives were at risk. Jack, Sam, and Teal�c all assured that this was life as he had lived it for the five years before his Ascension. Still, their words had not assuaged the anxieties that insisted on coming to the fore in moments of doubt. The why of his leaving should have been obvious, and in some respects it was. Already the ills of the world were a heavy burden on his battered shoulders. Like harpies come to roost, war and pestilence ate at Daniel�s sensibilities. He found himself amazed, nay horrified that his friends could and did persist beneath the weight of uncountable sorrows. Introspection brought different, more troubling emotions into focus.

Grief�

Shame�

Rage�

Daniel leaned heavily on the rail, gripping the unyielding iron with icy fingers. Why did he deserve to leave the realities of human existence behind? What made him worthy? He could not remember Oma offering a satisfactory answer to that question in the long hours before the change. Only the query was clear in his fractured thoughts. A year of living in a manner inconceivable to mortal beings had brought little in the way of clarification. His abrupt Descension stirred the waters further, adding to the murk of confusion and leaving him cold and uncertain with regards to his future.

He looked up, staring with wide eyes at the apartment building across the street. The windows glowed in intermittent squares the length and breadth of the five floors. Some of them were curtained, hiding the contents of their rooms behind gauzy hues of peach, blue, and green. Others were covered with drawn blinds. Bars of light peeked between ther slats, tinted tan by the shiny plastic. His gaze flickered to the dark windows. Yawning rectangles that occasionally flashed to life as the people moved silently in and out of the rooms. He was vaguely surprised and unaccountably disappointed that none of the lighted windows were uncovered. Had everyone in the building taken a course in interior design? Didn�t they know that a soul watched voyeur-like across the crowded street? Anxiously waiting for a small sliver of life to appear in those guarded orifices.

Tears hot and sudden pricked Daniel�s eyelids. He released the rail and dashed a hand clumsily across his face. There could be no pity for the damned! He had abandoned them all and fled into the light seeking absolution. Those that remained, mortal beings of all walk and ken, were not given such a choice. There were no options save eternal darkness when one became overwhelmed by the demons of the past.

Oma, why did you offer me this gift?

This curse�

Did you hope that I would see what others could not? Somehow I could enlighten the beings of my birth with the certain knowledge of the future? What certainty could be found in genocide except darkness? How could I discover peace in brutality?

Daniel rubbed his arms and cast weary eyes to the heavens. Stars pocked the navy blanket above. Glittering faintly beneath the overpowering glow of the city at his feet. Only a step, a breath away and yet� The knowledge of what lay in wait on those millions of worlds taunted his subconscious. He knew all, but nothing took shape in his groping mind. Pictures painted in shades of gray and glaring techno-color twisted and shimmered on the periphery of memory. Mocking him with their fractured imagery and the surreal hiss of countless languages. Mirages made more real by a nauseating array of half recalled odors and curious sensations that resisted all attempts to define them with the written or spoken word.

Daniel moaned softly and bit his lip. He clutched his head and kneaded frantically, dragging his nails through a tangle of hair and scraping the tender scalp. The pain of frustration and fury manifested itself in a dull, thudding ache. His ears filled with a tin like whine and the blood roared in wild counterpoint, blocking out the city. He stood gasping into the darkness, waiting and praying for the symptoms to subside. The world spun slowly and he fell back against the wall, gulping greedy mouthfuls of the damp air. Oxygen flooded into his lungs as Daniel gradually slid to the deck. The rough cement wall dragged at his shirt, razing an angry welt along his spine. He dropped his head into his hands and closed his eyes. Slipping into the pulsing cocoon of darkness behind the clamped lids. Eventually, the slamming in his chest subsided to a manageable flutter and the blood red flashes faded. He concentrated on slowing his breathing. Counting between inhalations, holding and releasing as he weathered the tremors brought on by a maelstrom of overwhelming fears and regrets.

Anxiety attacks were an unexpected bonus of his Descension. It mystified Daniel how he could go through the whole mission and fall pray to such a malady after the threat was over. The stress of being captured, dodging Anubis� Jaffa, rescuing Jonas and the eventual firefight should have been the trigger. Instead, he woke in a panting heap of sheets and blankets, driven to consciousness by nightmares he could not recall. He spent the night after the mission pacing the floor. Bouncing off the walls as frustration built, and recollections brought more and more hints of what he had failed to do as an Ascended being.

�How have you been sleeping, Daniel?�

�Fine.�

�Do you dream?�

�Sometimes��

�What do you dream about?�

Daniel trembled at the recalled conversation. McKenzie had stared earnestly back at him from across his large oak desk, hand patiently poised above a yellow legal pad. His approach was disquietingly straightforward. Had it always been that way? A niggling reminder of a time when the psychiatrist had been more enemy than friend floated at the back of Daniel�s mind as he sat in the deep leather chair. But it refused to come forward into the light of the present. He was left gnashing his teeth and trying to avoid that unwavering gaze. The session ended with the good doctor uttering the immortal words he had grown to hate so passionately.

�In time.�

If the damp night air could offer any sort of peace, the chance had disappeared in a wash of cold sweat. Daniel swore softly and lurched to his feet. He needed to feel! Sitting on the balcony listening and watching others live would not return him to himself. Down there lay the answers. People moving in droves, laughing and crying, dealing with life!

Was immersion in the frenetic energy of humanity the solution? Surely it held more promise than isolation?

Daniel walked purposefully into the bedroom, kicking the doors closed behind him. They rattled threateningly, but he ignored the sound. After a moment of patting bed and table, he located the switch on the lamp cord. The room came alive in a wash of tinted light, and he turned to the task of finding something more suitable than sweats and a T-shirt.

He felt invigorated by the decision to act and shoved the lingering doubts aside with force. There was no turning back! He would embrace all comers, no matter their demons! There had to be a reason why Oma chose him, and then abandoned him to be cast aside like so much useless flotsam. He would discover that higher purpose. The report and its� haunting contents be dammed!

Forcing his feet into a pair of black leather loafers, Daniel stood back and gave himself a cursory glance in the door mounted mirror. He had picked out a pair of black slacks and a cream colored summer weight turtleneck from the well stocked drawers. He reached for his watch on the dresser and snatched his leather jacket from the chest at the foot of the bed before walking back into the living room.

The SGC file lay on the floor, its� pages a splash of stark white in the pool of lamplight spilling out of the bedroom. Daniel frowned and forced his gaze elsewhere, denying the tremor of panic that roiled his insides.

No, it couldn�t be right.

He reached for his apartment key, which hung by the door, and let himself out into the quiet hallway. There were no families in the building. The residents were primarily single, middle-aged people and retirees. It made for a safe, but ultimately boring habitat. Definitely incompatible with his newfound resolution to find a purpose for being.

Daniel smirked at the inane notion that �a life� was truly something one could find. Such a statement rang with shades of Jack O�Neill. The comfort and camaraderie of Jack�s steady, if volatile friendship, was just one of many dark holes he needed to fill. The lighthearted expression faded from Daniel�s face as he reached the stairwell and started down. It was obvious that Jack wanted to tell him more, and that the report should not be taken as the be all and end all of the story. He had learned early in his short recovery that the older man�s discomfort with the personal was far outweighed by his sense of honor and responsibility to those he cared about.

�Just read it, then come find me�.�

Daniel sighed deeply and pushed open the lobby door. What had Jack meant by that? He suspected it was important, but at the moment he couldn�t find the interest to care. The contents of the report ran in a constant cryptic monologue through the back of his mind as he walked down the street. People passed by. Some chatting on cell phones, others staring straight ahead. Their jaws locked, their eyes unfocused as they concentrated on their purpose. Daniel envied them their sense of worth and wellness. Surely that man�s conversation was important. Just look at the animation on his dark features and the light in his warm, brown eyes! The redhead walking in long strides while glancing at a palmpilot carefully clutched in one finely manicured hand, she had places to go and people to see! Daniel swallowed hard, averting his gaze from the sullen teen lounging in the doorway on the corner of the street. The adolescent rolled his eyes and smirked as he pushed away from the wall and roughly brushed against Daniel�s halted form.

A flush of irritation warmed his cheeks, but he bit back the acerbic remark crowding his dry mouth. Even an insolent child knew his purpose, reveling in the simple task of annoying a passerby. Daniel resented the cosmic joke that seemed to be playing out before his eyes. Surely what he had done as an Ascended being had earned him more than casual disdain? Why else would he have been chosen? Was the result of his year long purgatory truly a failure of massive proportions? How could he accept that?

The energy of resolve had faded to nothing, leaving him wan and empty. Daniel stood on the street corner and gazed at the Don�t Walk sign. It glowed back at him, an innocent piece of advice given to countless millions every day. He knew about street signs in the same intrinsic fashion that he knew how to turn on a lamp, or operate a weapon. Knowledge inhumed in his subconscious, buried deeper than even Oma�s shared experience could exhume. He knew it because he was human and mortal. Cursed or blessed with the inescapable drive of self-preservation. This alone enabled him to fire a Zat and prevented him from stepping off the curb into traffic.

The sign changed and Daniel moved forward, following the trickle of humanity that crossed the street and flowed right or left. He turned without purpose and followed suit. His eyes skimmed the neon signs slung in windows, reading and forgetting their claims in the space of a heartbeat. He glanced up as he walked beneath banners and posters. Some painted, others highlighted by garish strings of lights. Mesmerized by the colors and imagination of each design, he felt his mouth drop open. He closed it with a guilty flush, embarrassed by his reaction to the ordinary.

There was no manual for the Descended. It was an experience he would have to endure with all its practical pitfalls. Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel caught a pair of children watching his antics. One of them giggled and punched his companion. He turned and stared back. Feeling the taut skin of his cheeks twist into an absurd expression that brought looks of shock and fear into their merry, brown eyes. The youngsters fled and Daniel pivoted sideways, catching his reflection in a storefront window.

He sucked in a startled breath and swallowed hard. It would have been too easy, and very wrong, to blame the insubstantial nature of the image on the insufficient reflective properties of the glass. The man staring back was little more than a shade, lifeless and gaunt. The glow of the streetlight bounced off the exposed cotton of his shirt giving his pallor a sickly cast. The skin seemed to hang from his cheeks and his eyes had disappeared into bottomless sockets. The irises turned from bright, blue to opaque, black. A well dressed shell of a man, no wonder the children fled with sudden terror.

Daniel turned away and resumed his walk. He lost track of the twists and turns of the streets and concentrated all his remaining energy on the people. Watching them from beneath half closed eyelids, trying to exude an air of confident purpose as he passed through their midst. If anyone noticed the fa�ade, they chose to tactfully ignore him. Time dragged by in a steady monotony and the crowd changed.

The business people disappeared, and individuals dressed in evening attire replaced the younger children and harried parents. Adolescents crowded corners and doorways, and singles passed by in chattering groups. Daniel caught snatches of their burbling conversations. A running commentary on trends he had forgotten and people he no longer recognized or cared about. Everyone seemed engrossed in one activity or another. They flowed around him, heedless of his confusion.

Eventually exhausted, Daniel stopped beneath a flickering neon sign. �Hal�s� flashed in dull, blue letters. A series of logos advertising liquor and beer scrolled beneath the name. He sighed and looked into the windows. Someone brushed past and held the door, tapping his foot impatiently.

�Hey buddy, you comin� in here or what?�

Daniel blinked and nodded slightly, �Yeah, thanks.�

The man grunted in reply and let the door fall against his outstretched hand. Daniel followed him inside and stood uncertainly against the window.

To his right, a pool game was in progress. The opponents squared off with their cue sticks balanced lightly in one hand while they eyed the table with calculating gazes. Daniel drifted to one side, shivering slightly as a cool breeze accompanied the slamming of the door. He watched the game, noting the leave of each shot. The tension built within his nervous frame as the number of balls dwindled and the losing player grew noticeably angry. He pressed into the corner of the room. Sandwiching himself between a pinball machine and a lottery ticket dispenser as the eight ball sank from sight and the defeated man slammed his stick on the table.

The bartender shouted a warning at the sputtering man and several patrons moved in between the two. The winner counted the stack of bills that had been resting on the corner of the table and smiled cheerfully at his opponent. He waved the money and offered to buy the defeated a beer. Daniel relaxed, as the obviously inebriated man took the offered drink and swaggered to the bar.

Was this why he had been chosen? Because the dregs of humanity so often buried their intelligence beneath belligerence, content to live as bottom feeders? His stomach quivered rebelliously at the arrogantly superior notion. Who was he to judge? What waited for this man beyond the peeling painted walls of this small room? Daniel licked his dry lips and walked hesitantly to the end of the bar.

�Is anyone sitting here?�

�You are,� the woman in the corner remarked dryly.

�Uh huh.� He slipped onto the seat and signaled the bartender with one finger.

�What do you want, friend?�

�What�s good?� Daniel stuttered, suddenly at a loss. What was he doing here? Nowhere in the annals of wispy memory did he recall a fondness for alcohol, and yet�

�Got Guiness on tap, good enough for ya?�

�Yeah, that�s fine,� he answered without thought.

�K.� The bearded man slid a glass from the wrack above his head and bent out of sight. He reappeared momentarily, and placed a foaming mug of dark beer in front of Daniel. �Three bucks.�

Money? Daniel flushed and patted his pockets, biting back a sigh of relief when he felt the reassuring bulge of his wallet in the inside pocket of his jacket. He pulled the leather square free and stared into the empty bill compartment. �Can I run a tab?� he asked uncertainly.

�Credit card?� the bartender demanded.

He nodded and pulled out the plastic VISA.

�Yeah okay, settle up when you�re done.� The larger man turned away and Daniel ran a shaking hand through his hair. He eyed the glass of alcohol dubiously. Why did people drink this stuff? His mind slid back to the anxiety attack on the balcony, and he reached forward and grasped the cool glass.

�Are you going to drink it or stare at it?�

Daniel jumped, and the beer sloshed across his fingers and onto the smooth mahogany of the bar. The woman in the corner slid from her chair and moved to the stool beside him. Her breath drifted into his nostrils, smelling faintly of mint and the bitter tang of whisky. His stomach flipped in protest and he shifted sideways, not entirely comfortable with her proximity but unwilling to be rude. She seemed to take the hint and settled for stroking one red tipped hand along his forearm before reaching for a napkin to soak up the spilled beer. Daniel grinned nervously. She nodded, her pale pink lips curling into a soft smile. �Are you okay?�

�No,� he admitted shakily as he reached for the beer. �Bottoms up!� He tilted the glass and took a healthy draught of the dark, bitter brew. The foam filled his mouth as the taste assaulted his tongue. He swallowed hard, suppressing a shiver of revulsion as the liquid burned down his throat. The woman continued to watch him. Her dark, blue eyes glittered faintly in the flashing neon emanating from the Budweiser sign above the pooltable. Daniel wiped his mouth and gazed back at her. He accepted her scrutiny and offered the same, mentally comparing her to Sam and shivering at the memory that came all too easily.

She walked into his tent, uncertain of her surroundings, but quietly intent in her purpose. He was struck by her beauty. The large, wide set eyes that drank in his anxious form, mirroring his distress and offering the balm of reassurance without the unneeded chatter of words. She moved with easy grace, every part of her open and receptive to his questions. When she chose to speak, words of praise and relief tumbled forth. �It was one of the hardest things I�ve ever had to go through��

She missed him, needed and wanted him back in her life.

�Was there ever anything between us?�

A gentle smile and a slight shake of that shining blond head, �Uh, no. Not in that way.�

Daniel tossed back the remainder of the beer in one long swallow.

His companion�s eyes widened. �Thirsty?�

�No,� he whispered as he signaled the bartender.

�Another?�

�Yeah, don�t stop.� He knew with certainty that he had never uttered those words to a man behind a bar before. But the woman with the minty breath and the cascade of ashy blond hair was close. Her friendly demeanor an unintended reminder of the mistake he had made in the tent, and the unfulfilled fantasy he was forced to live with.

�Yeah, okay,� the bartender replied amicably as he put a fresh beer on the polished surface and cleared away the empty glass. He turned and reached for a bowl of peanuts, shoving it between Daniel and the woman. A knowing glint came into the man�s gray eyes. �Enjoy.�

�Shove off, Hal,� the woman remarked with a playful slap to the man�s arm.

He rolled his eyes. �Take it easy with him, Rhonda.�

�Yeah, right.�

Rhonda turned her attention back to Daniel. �You want to talk?�

Daniel took a healthy swallow of the fresh beer and wiped self-consciously at the foam on his upper lip. �You�re a regular here?�

�Only on Thursday nights,� she replied easily as she fiddled with the peanuts. �I waitress uptown, Friday�s off.�

�Ah.� She was worlds apart from Sam. A statuesque beauty that radiated erotic energy in the same way Major Carter exuded intelligence. Both women were outwardly confident however. He knew by the strength of her silence and the frank openness in her unwavering gaze that Rhonda would not be afraid to speak her mind. No doubt the long shapely legs could offer as much damage to an unsuspecting stalker�s genitalia, as Sam would not hesitate to inflict on an alien warrior, or an overzealous coworker.

Daniel caught himself smiling foolishly at the inner musing. Even in his current state of burgeoning alcohol induced stupidity he had not desire to test the theory.

�I�ve never seen you before,� Rhonda�s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. She stroked his arm enticingly, and he felt an answering stir deep in his groin.

�I�ve been away,� he replied sheepishly, grateful for the camouflaging lip of the bar. Had he crashed to earth like delusional Icarus, just to fall victim to the unreasonable demands of his own body? Surely the deaths of five thousand souls were worth more than the primal surge brought on by Rhonda�s perfume and the heat of her breath on the nape of his neck. Daniel pounded down the second beer with reckless abandon. �Another!� he slurred sharply.

The bearded man turned and regarded him with a critical eye. The look was an unmistakable warning to slow down. Daniel ignored it with effort, silencing the warning bells clanging heavily in his ears with a forced laugh. �I�m back now,� he whispered.

�I can see that.� She laughed softly and brushed tentative fingers across the back of his hand.

He felt his penis stiffen painfully at her attentions and had the absurd urge to slap the offending organ into submission.

Rhonda edged closer. �Would you like to sit down over there?�

Daniel waved as Hal set the beer on the counter and moved off to attend other customers. He drank deeply, noting that the taste had improved markedly since his arrival. A part of his mind wondered dimly what time it was, offering the plaintive notice that he was expected at the mountain at 0700. As with the earlier warning, Daniel pointedly ignored the subconscious advice. He snagged the beer, grimacing with disgust when some of the dark brew splashed across his hand.

�Let me get that.� She slipped the glass from his limp fingers and urged him towards a corner table, one possessive hand wrapped securely around his forearm.

He went willingly, dimly aware of the murmured comments of the other patrons and the dull ringing in his ears.

�Have a seat. What�s your name anyway?�

�Daniel,� he answered distantly. The lights of the bar had begun to blur slightly behind a haze of cigarette smoke. He waved fitfully at the clouds. Why would anyone choose to pollute themselves in such a fashion. Surely there was enough dangers in the known universe, why create more?

Rhonda was digging in her purse. Her elegant hands shifted at his errant motion, and he caught the flash of cellophane glinting bright orange in the overhead glare. �You don�t like smokers?�

He was aware of the nauseating odor and the uncomfortable feeling of suffocation, like or dislike did not enter into the equation. �Not really.�

�Oh.� The cigarettes disappeared beneath the flap of her purse. She smiled brightly and slung the thin purse strap across the back of her chair. �That�s fine.�

�Good.�

Daniel shifted sideways, cradling the beer glass in his hands. A new pool game had begun. The loser had found a different opponent and judging by his lopsided grin, he was confident of his odds. The young woman playing solids shook her head at his raucous laughter and proceeded to sink three balls in a rapid succession of precise shots. The two-time loser growled low in his throat and advanced on the woman, his face a mass of drunken clouds.

Hal hollered sharply from his place behind the bar. Daniel jumped and the beer slipped from his clumsy grasp and shattered on the rough wooden floor. �Son of a bitch.� The words slipped from his lips and hung in the stale air.

Rhonda patted his shoulder. �S�okay, I�ll get a rag from Hal.�

The bartender was otherwise occupied. Daniel was able to appreciate his size and decidedly intimating stature as the bearded man rounded the end of the bar and inserted himself in front of the woman. The winner of the game seemed un-phased by her opponent�s ire. She clutched his money in one fist, her small, green eyes flashing defiantly as she stared him down.

�Bitch!� the drunk shrieked and launched himself.

Hal caught him easily with one well-muscled arm and tossed him back towards a cluster of chairs. The man fell heavily to the floor. His sprawling arms and legs upended furniture and scattered people amid a hail of laughter and nervous mutterings.

�What the hell ya' do that for?� he demanded angrily.

The surly bartender shook his head and pointed towards the door with one stubby finger. �Out Bruce, sober up! Walk it off for Christ sakes!�

�She stole my money!�

�She won it fairly in front of a dozen witnesses, now get out!�

�Bitch,� Bruce repeated sullenly as he scrambled to his feet and snatched a checked work shirt from the back of one of the tipped chairs.

�Whatever.� Hal dismissed him with a wave but did not turn away until the grumbling man had exited the bar with a resounding slam of the glassed door. �Nothin� to see,� he snapped at the gawking patrons.

The crowd broke apart, drifting into the smoky corners of the bar.

�Do you play?�

Daniel blinked. The beer had settled into the pit of his stomach. Beyond the faint nausea, a warm, comfortable feeling was beginning to build. He turned and eyed Rhonda slowly up and down. Perhaps she was different from Sam, at least a little. Maybe she would be interested�

Deeper thoughts of guilt and anger were snuffed into silence beneath a demanding primal surge. The blood pounded heavily in Daniel�s ears as his eyes caressed the curve of Rhonda�s high breasts beneath her red silk blouse. His hand twitched hesitantly before settling onto her warm thigh, and gently squeezing the firm flesh.

She smiled in response and brushed her fingers across his cheek. �Do you want another beer?�

�Sure.�

Rhonda eased from her seat, dragging her hand across his shoulder and lingering at the joint for a long moment before moving off to the bar. He watched the gentle sway of her hips beneath the cream slacks and felt a renewed stirring between his trembling legs. She was inviting of voice and lovely to the eye. There was no history to spoil his desires. Nor a friendship that would have to be fought with on two distinct fronts, destined to end in failure.

Daniel licked his lips and raked her curvy form with feral intensity. His penis stiffened painfully against the fabric of his trousers. Demanding attention, guiding his fuzzy brain to the most basic of places. He shivered, and offered what he hoped was a welcoming smile as she pivoted and returned to the table with two glasses.

�To us,� she murmured.

He clinked glasses and swallowed deeply, not tasting the dark liquid as it flowed like water down his suddenly dry throat. �Is there someplace�?�

Rhonda nodded and sipped delicately at her glass. �In the back?�

�I don�t care where�� he rasped. The urge was growing by the moment. He could barely breathe. Her perfume filled his nostrils and he trembled when her fingers slid into his and tugged. Daniel rose and followed on stiff legs. The other patrons were a smudgy blur in the haze of the half lit room. He moved through them, catching snatches of conversation. The words drifted in and out of his conscious mind. Trivial blather made incoherent by the slamming of his heart.

They reached the back of the room and Rhonda turned right, pulling him into a short hallway that ended in a door. She peered over his shoulder and Daniel flinched when her breath caught suddenly. �Did he see us?�

�I don�t know�� His voice was nearly inaudible, sounding weak and plaintive to his ears. I don�t care, please dear god�

�I don�t think so,� she concluded after an endless moment.

The room felt close and stuffy. Daniel sucked in a steadying breath, fighting for control. She nudged him forward and his whole body trembled at the warm impact of her hip against his buttocks. The muted light of the hallway disappeared when she shut the door. Quite suddenly the darkness was total. Daniel closed his eyes and reached for her willing form.

Rhonda melted against him. Soft lips nibbled along the edge of his jaw and suckled his earlobe. She nipped playfully and blew a gout of warm, mint air. Daniel moaned softly as the pressure in his groin increased. He would explode if she didn�t stop! He pivoted and brought his hands up to cup her cheeks. She smiled into his palms and stretched to capture his waiting lips. Their tongues met and parried one another, teasing and exploring the soft flesh. Daniel sighed and dropped a hand to her waist. His fingers rubbed clumsily across her thigh and slid around to grasp one firm cheek.

She giggled softly and pulled away. �You don�t waste any time.�

He grimaced, the spell partly disturbed by her husky rejoinder. �I need�� the words died away as he descended hungrily onto her pliable mouth. She shifted slightly and his grip tightened. He kneaded the muscle beneath his fingers and slid his hand around to the front of her. They were close. His penis pressed hard against her stomach. Denting the soft flesh. He stretched, moving against her, reveling at the tingles of sensation that shot from toe to scalp.

Rhonda�s hands raked the length of his arms and she guided his eager fingers to the waistband of her slacks. The elastic gave way and the material slid easily over the roundness of her hips and dropped in a whisper to the floor.

Daniel devoured her without thought. Trailing bruising kisses across her jaw and chin and into the hollow of her throat. His hands caressed her hips and guided them until they were moving in slow circles, massaging him with the material of his own trousers. Rhonda sighed into the hair of his temples and dragged her hands across his buttocks. Daniel moaned desperately as her fingers moved to his fly finally freeing his pulsing genitals. They moved together. Sinking to their knees as one. He eased her onto the floor, throwing a hand into the darkness in an attempt to shield her head from any unseen obstacles.

�Don�t worry,� Rhonda responded as she slid his pants from his waist. �It�s fine. Did you lock the door?�

Daniel did not reply. He reached blindly backwards and found the doorknob after a moment of groping. The lock clicked in place and she surprised him by grabbing his neck and pulling him down. He sank willingly into the eager embrace. Their mouths collided with bruising force and she thrust her tongue eagerly into the hollow of his cheeks and the soft flesh beneath his tongue.

Oh God� Please�

Her hands moved to his hips and then enveloped his hot penis in a tender embrace. The long fingers stroked his length and he stilled. All attention focused on the rising force deep within. Fear and fire washed away beneath a tidal onslaught of erotica. Daniel gasped and buried his face in her hair. The scent of vanilla and cigarettes clung to the ashy strands. He drank it hungrily, immersing every part of himself in the reality of her hot, eager body.

She moaned in response and guided him in.

Oh dear god!

He sank with glorious abandon. The first thrust filled the pulsing world behind his eyes with flashes of crimson light. She arched, taking him deeper. Daniel�s hips moved in response, pressing her firmly into the unyielding floor. He rose and fell without rhythm or conscious choice. All thought torn asunder by the glory of her enveloping him completely. Rhonda dragged her fingers across his taught shoulders and clutched handfuls of his hair as he bent to taste her lips. Warm and pliable they molded with his. She tilted, thrusting deeply into his mouth as the motions of their bodies gradually coincided. In a heartbeat they moved as one. She heaved beneath him and Daniel pulled away, breathless with surprise as she rolled him onto his back.

Rhonda sat up and he opened his eyes for the first time. A sliver of light seeped under the door of the storage room. It was enough to outline her enticing shape, lightening the pitch black to a tolerable brown. He cradled her hips and felt the flesh quiver. Encouraged, the fingers of his right hand slid down the creamy warmth of her thigh and touched the soft mound just above his penis. She shifted forward and he gasped as sensation rippled through the tip. His thumb moved in slow circles, pressing the curly hair tight to the damp skin beneath. Rhonda sighed shakily and grasped his errant fingers, pushing them hard against the faintly pulsing flesh. He grinned and reached forward to pull her across his body. She submitted easily. Stretching across his length, nipping gently at the tender flesh beneath his jaw.

Daniel trailed his hand across her thigh and grasped her cheek. She squealed, a low mewl that sent an answering quiver racing up his sweaty back. He turned his head and found her probing lips. They kissed deeply, the earlier urgency temporarily assuaged by her moist embrace. He tried to please her. Forced himself to be patient and considerate. He tasted the sweetness of the mint liquor on her hot breath and the faint sourness of her perfume where it had been dabbed beneath her full rounded earlobe. He nibbled and suckled the tender curve of skin, enjoying the way it slipped over his tongue. She arched, exposing her throat to his gentle ministrations, and Daniel happily obliged. He kissed a fiery trail across the pulsing cords and up over the firm edge of her jaw. She moved slightly and met his mobile lips. Her tongue snaked between his teeth, darting and probing, stirring the demons to life.

He sat and faced her in the dim light. Rhonda�s long legs came around to cup his rear end as he hungrily kissed the side of her mouth and the swell of her cheek. The urgency returned, building in intensity as errant thoughts of guilt and panic crept into his conscious mind. Daniel sighed desperately against her creamy flesh, as he struggled with the buttons of her blouse. Vaguely terrified that he would tear the delicate material in his haste. She assisted without comment, guiding his clumsy fingers until the material hung loose. He pushed it off her arms and bent to taste the smooth skin of her cleavage. She shifted backwards, raking her pubic bone over the tip of his penis. Daniel choked back a sob of exquisite pleasure as tendrils of fire exploded through his groin. His mouth moved across her breast and tasted lace. He nudged, swallowing a piteous moan of frustration. His fingers acted of their own accord, finding and releasing the clasp of her bra. The material fell away as she slid her arms down his back and cupped his buttocks. Daniel enveloped one nipple and suckled greedily. She stiffened against him and cried out softly, her long fingers kneading his flesh as she rode out the tremor.

Was this all there was? Had he betrayed their trust for the sake of a few scattered moments of indiscriminant lust?

The question forced itself to the surface and Daniel swallowed hard, nipping the tender bud between his teeth.

Rhonda flinched but did not pull away. He pulled hard on her breast, and ran anxious fingers through her ashy hair. She stroked his back and shoulders, the caresses becoming faster and harder as she began to rock in his lap. Daniel released her breast and kissed his way back to her soft lips. She cradled his head and matched the frenzied thrusts of tongue and groin point for point. He closed his eyes and struggled with the insistent images that refused to lie silent beneath the rising tide of orgasm.

He was two men. At once a surging beast governed by primal need. Thrusting with reckless haste, forcing her to set the rhythm, control the pace of their imminent release. At the same time an unfolding train wreck of guilt and sorrow, nearly overcome with rage. He wanted her! Needed to feel the flash and uncontrollable tremor of erotic catharsis! Yet he did not deserve the peace and pleasure. His people would never feel that joy again! He had taken that from them�

The reality of the report fell away into the darkness as their rapid movements brought on a frenzy of release. Daniel stiffened and buried his face in her soft hair. A sob clawed up his dry throat and he stifled it in the long strands, gasping and choking as orgasm shuddered through them.

Rhonda held him as the tremors subsided. She stroked the hair from his temples and whispered nonsense into the strained silence that followed. Daniel clung to her warm body, helpless to stop the dry sobs. Tears were beyond him, unwanted and undeserved. She did not relinquish her hold until he slid back and brushed a hand across his face.

�I�m sorry.�

In the half light he saw her smile crookedly. �Don�t be.� She reached for her blouse and slacks. �Do you have a handkerchief?�

�Yeah.�

They cleaned up without speaking. �Are you ready?�

�Yeah.�

She eased open the door and pulled him into the hallway. The noise in the bar had increased markedly in their absence. Daniel followed her around the edge of the doorway and out into the crowd. He saw Hal glance in their direction and shake his head with a rueful smile. Rhonda squeezed his fingers and laughed softly beneath her breath. They returned to their corner table and Daniel sank into his chair, utterly exhausted. Rhonda rested one hand on his arm and nudged the half a beer on the table with the other. �Drink it, honey.�

He followed orders, sucking down the dark liquid in one gulp. Hal appeared as he drained the glass and placed a full one on the table. �On the house.�

Daniel nearly snorted his mouthful of beer as Rhonda�s high laugh rang out. �Subtle, Hal.�

�Yeah, you know me,� the bartender replied.

He ignored their repartee and drank the beer. The sounds of the bar skewed and softened. He watched without resentment as Rhonda eventually crossed the barroom and settled at a new table. He should have felt used, angry, but there was no rancor in his twisted soul.

The reality was far worse. She had been a means to an end. Daniel was sure she knew the score and accepted it without question or suspicion. Neither one of them intended malice. There had simply been a need to fulfill and an obligation to respond. Still it did not excuse the callous nature of the activity. The sex had been primal, not an act of love. Lustful and willfully defiant of the pain that now roared down upon him with renewed vigor.

He clenched the cool beer glass in his hand. Moisture formed from the heat emanating from his flesh and ran in rivulets down the side and across his knuckles. He raised the beer to his lips and swallowed it unconsciously, seeking to silence the chattering ghosts. They clamored on, bringing with them faces and names and piteous cries as Anubis destroyed their peaceful world.

Daniel finished the beer and signaled Hal for another, and after a scarce few minutes yet another. Rhonda had turned into a cream and red blur far across the crowded room. She tossed him the occasional smile and he grinned stupidly in return. Forgiving the transitory nature of her attention, letting her off the hook. Though she had not asked for, or needed such release.

He lost count of the number of drinks he consumed and ceased to ask for more when he could no longer raise his rubbery arm. No one spoke to him and somewhere in his brooding mind, Daniel was grateful for that small bit of comfort. Solitude was best for wallowing. No man needed an audience as he slowly self destructed.

As the evening waned, he sank lower in his chair and turned towards the wall. The crowd thinned, and the hum of voices gradually divided into individuals. They murmured softly. Blurred conversations lost beneath the incessant ringing in Daniel�s ears. He curled into himself and put his head on the table, upsetting his last glass in the process. The tumbler rolled sideways. The remaining dregs of beer trickled out, dampening the napkin and Daniel�s sleeve. He did not move. Just the thought of opening his eyes was eminently painful.

His life was in ruins. Arrogance had brokered a futile bargain with a devil dressed in black. He deserved nothing less than to be a forgotten figure holed up in the corner. Erased from existence with the same sudden intensity as Anubis had unleashed on the innocent people of Abydos.

Dear God�

�Daniel?�

The sound of his name reached through the throbbing haze. His head felt leaden, his tongue thick and fuzzy in his arid mouth. Daniel blinked in slow motion and tried to sit up. The muscles of neck and back revolted painfully, and he settled back onto the tabletop.

�Hey, buddy. I�m closin� up here.�

�Just give me a minute.�

The voice of his impatient defender was familiar. Daniel struggled to focus past the pounding in his skull. A hand came to rest on his folded arm and he jerked sideways. Annoyed at the newcomer�s audacity. �Leave me �lone!� he slurred.

�Daniel, snap out of it!�

Jim? He grinned into the hollow of darkness beneath his arms. The misnomer had been annoying and quietly hurtful to the recipient, but it was the first name to find its way to the forefront of Daniel�s battered brain. He moaned and tried to summon an ounce of saliva into his dry mouth. Failing utterly, he closed his eyes and whispered hopefully, �Jack?�

�Yeah, it�s me. Come on, we�ve gotta get you home.�

�I don�t wanna,� he growled resentfully.

Jack ignored the protest and forced him to a sitting position. �Open your eyes, Daniel. Look at me.�

�No!�

�It�s 2 am, for Christ sakes. I�m so not in the mood for this shit!�

Daniel blinked, attempting to focus. The image of his friend blurred and doubled before finally swimming into a single indistinct shadow. �Jack?�

�Yeah, we�ve established that.�

�Five minutes,� a voice cautioned from behind his head.

�Okay,� Jack replied. He shook Daniel�s shoulder. �Come on.�

�I�� He coughed thickly and tasted hot bile. �Oh�god��

�Yeah, you�ve really done a number on yourself,� the older man commiserated as he slipped a hand underneath Daniel�s arm. �You�re gonna� have to get outside under your own power. I�m too damn old and tired to carry your sorry ass.�

Daniel struggled to comply. His legs felt weak and rubbery, barely able to hold his dead weight. He shuffled awkwardly towards the door. The wood grain of the floor wriggled and straightened, curiously alive beneath his drunken gaze. A series of stupid remarks forced their way into his mouth, and he bit them back with all his remaining will. Jack was here somehow he had come. Prattling on about the flaws in the floorboards would be the quickest way to send him packing.

Not that it mattered.

He paused in the doorway and felt Jack�s hold tighten on his limp arm. �I�I have a�bill�� The words slipped out, followed closely by a sour tasting burp. He swallowed sudden nausea and patted awkwardly at his coat pocket. �Wallet�s...in here��

�Okay, I�ll take care of it in a minute. Let�s get you into the truck first.�

Daniel nodded numbly and closed his eyes against a bout of dizziness. �I don�t know if I�� He sagged and heard Jack mutter a curse as he slid to the floor.

�Hey, give me a hand would ya?�

Rough hands dragged him to his feet and propelled him out into the cool night air. The change revived Daniel and he straightened, shrugging the hands away. �I can walk!�

�Yeah, whatever you say, friend.� Hal grumbled. �He�s got a twenty four dollar tab.�

The burst of energy was temporary. Quite suddenly, Daniel found himself leaning heavily against the wall and watching the two men through bleary eyes. Jack fished in his pants pocket and pulled out a worn leather billfold. He thumbed through the cash. Daniel winced at the harsh rasp of paper as he withdrew a pair of bills and handed it to the waiting bartender. �Keep the change.�

�Thanks.� The bearded man looked at Daniel and shrugged. �I don�t think he gets out much. One of the regulars gave him a bit of a ride in the back room if you take my meaning.�

Jack�s eyebrows rose into his hairline. He eyed Daniel�s slouched form and shook his head fractionally. �I take it, but I can�t say as I believe it.�

Hal laughed harshly. �Trust me, friend.� He went into the bar and slammed the door. The bolt slid home with a resounding clank of metal, and seconds later the windows darkened.

�Well this is certainly a sorry state of affairs.� Jack mumbled. He pulled out his keys and pressed the button that unlocked his truck. The headlights flashed and Daniel�s stomach rolled rebelliously. The sudden brilliance painted the landscape in a shower of stars and escalated the ringing in his ears to a teeth-jarring clamor.

�Jack��

�What?�

Daniel gestured weakly towards the truck. �I don�t know if this�� burp, swallow, �If this is such a good�� pant, �Idea.�

�You barf in my truck and there will be hell to pay,� his friend warned. �I�m not walking you home, it must be ten blocks.�

�I�I�m just sayin���

Jack ignored the reply and grabbed him firmly by the arm. �One foot in front of the other,� he advised in a gentler tone.

�Okay�� The why of his situation was beyond conscious consideration. He would have to settle for the practical. Daniel stumbled to the side of the truck and pulled himself into the high cab without help. He could hear Jack sighing and felt the soft tap against his shin, urging him to move his leg so the door could be closed. He complied in silence, too exhausted to talk, let alone think. As Jack climbed onto his seat and pulled into traffic, vague memories floated through Daniel�s fuzzy brain.

Standing on the balcony and staring across the dark street, silently pleading for the oblivious people to open their shades and show him a piece of their lives. The warmth of Rhonda�s soft, supple form beneath his, eagerly engulfing him in her moist embrace. Tasting and touching, diving beneath the waves of sensation, desperately hiding from reality�

Daniel shivered and crossed his arms. He could feel the pounding of his heart right through the shirt and jacket. The urgent, racing beat filled him with renewed fear. He stared wide-eyed at the passing flash of signs and streetlights. Knots of people drifted in and out of his vision. Talking, laughing, their voices muffled by the rumble of the large V-8, and the quiet whir of the heater. Outside the tinted glass the world continued to turn, heedless of the tumble of confused thoughts and feelings that filled his throbbing skull. His left hand freed itself and rose shaking to his temple. He clumsily massaged the tender skin with ashen fingers. The motion disturbed every time Jack maneuvered around another car, or took a corner.

�Hey, you gonna be okay?�

He glanced up and caught Jack�s worried glance. �No,� he managed raggedly as he slid lower in the seat. �I�I don�t think so��

�Well this isn�t one of your finer moments,� Jack quipped. He navigated another turn and spared Daniel a second look. �You look like shit.�

�Thanks.� Daniel coughed. The acid taste of used beer foamed into the back of his throat and he reached for the window. �Jack�we need to stop��

The truck drifted to the curb. His head was filled with the insistent buzz of a thousand angry bees, and his tongue curled against the rising tide of bile that was fighting to pass his gorge. Daniel scrambled for the door handle and nearly sobbed with relief when Jack wrenched it open and cool air slapped his sweaty face. He stumbled from the cab and Jack caught his forearm, guiding him towards the alley. Daniel blinked as the half lit world titled and swam before him. He bumped into something solid. The wall. Cold and unyielding concrete which effectively stopped his forward momentum. He bent forward, bumping his head against the rough surface, and vomited into a pile of newspapers and trash. Through the pounding haze, he perceived Jack�s hand on his arm. Quietly anchoring his retching form, until nothing but dry spasms remained. As the nausea quieted, his surroundings gradually came into focus. Daniel wiped a clammy hand across his mouth and straightened painfully. His whole body ached and someone had inconsiderately set up a marching band behind his painfully dry eyes, but he would survive. Whatever that meant.

�Done?� Jack asked pointedly, his hand still lightly resting on Daniel�s elbow.

�I hope so,� he whispered gamely.

�You and me both.�

Daniel nodded and walked carefully back to the truck. All he wanted was sleep. Dreams, nightmares, be damned. He climbed into the cab and slammed the door. The resounding rattle set his teeth on edge and he cradled his throbbing head for a long moment.

�Daniel?�

�Drive!�

Jack did not react to his snappish retort. Daniel sighed gratefully and leaned his head against the back of the seat. His eyes had just slid closed when the vehicle eased to a stop for a second time. �We�re here.�

What? Where? He blinked in confusion and flinched at the sharp stab of pain produced by the light spilling out from the lobby of the building. While he struggled to orientate, Jack walked around the front of the truck and opened the door. Daniel slid to the ground and stared at the cracked cement steps leading to the door. �Crap��

His friend chuckled softly and urged him forward with a nudge on the shoulder. �Come on.�

His visions narrowed to a single glowing rectangle as Daniel trudged up the stairs. Each step was a monumental achievement, and his remaining shreds of will power fled into the shadows when they reached the door. He urged, ordered, his hand to raise and grasp the brass handle, but it refused. Nonplussed, Daniel glanced to one side. Only Jack�s shoes were visible in his narrowed field. He opened his mouth and prayed for sound. Silence, bone jarringly loud in its intensity filled the space between them. His fingers twitched, a half-hearted effort to fulfill his request. Daniel sighed, amazed at the minute puff of air that escaped his dry lips.

Jack stepped forward and pulled open the door. �You�re really bad at this.�

I know, Daniel answered silently. They walked into the lobby and he drifted automatically towards the stairs.

�Oh no, that I cannot do,� Jack objected. His long fingers slipped around Daniel�s wrist and tugged him across the small room to the elevator. �It�s too early for calisthenics.�

Shut up. He knew the older man was making small talk out of discomfort, even a bit of fear. The signs were easy enough to read. Still, Daniel resented the nonsensical intrusion into his dim world. He wanted silence, no matter how depressing it may be. He followed Jack�s muttering form into the empty elevator and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes as the car began to move. His stomach rolled and he held it with one trembling arm. Dignity would not allow for further embarrassment, the fact that his stomach was undoubtedly empty was immaterial. Dry heaving into the corner of an elevator didn�t rate very high on the class meter.

The elevator chimed and rumbled open, letting in the fresher air of the empty hallway. Daniel opened his eyes and stared at the tan carpet for a long moment. It was short nap, with the color and texture of sand. Tears stung his eyelids and he blinked rapidly to quell their flow. Jack did not deal well with grief. Despite the gaps in his memory, Daniel knew that his friend hid from the incessant grip of sorrow better than anyone he had ever known. He would not, could not, cry in front of him.

�Hey.�

Daniel sucked in a steadying breath and pushed off the wall. �Yeah, I�m coming�� The sudden onset of unmanageable self-pity was more sobering than a gallon of steaming coffee. Daniel walked steadily down the corridor, his steps straight and unerring. He needed to show Jack that he was fine, that he had it together. The sooner his friend bought the ridiculous notion, the sooner he would leave. Then, only then, could Daniel give vent to his grief and rage.

�Keys?�

�Huh? Oh, sorry.� Daniel pulled out his ring and fitted the key into the niche with surprisingly steady fingers. �Jack, you don�t have��

The older man waved off his objection and followed him into the dark apartment without speaking. Daniel snapped on the light and walked confidently into the cozy room. He rounded the end of the couch, words of reassurance poised on the tip of his tongue.

The report lay as he had left it. Pages scattered, the thick cream colored folder perched tent-like in their midst. Daniel froze, a hitching sigh rattled deep in his strangled throat. Fresh sweat broke and poured down his temples. He licked his lips and tasted the sheen of salt on the clammy skin. His fingers clenched into tight balls and his right hand began to beat steadily against his quivering thigh. He stumbled backwards, encountering the warm solid wall of Jack�s body. He spun and shoved the other man hard. Jack reeled backwards and landed with a grunt against the bookshelf by the kitchen doorway. Glass and pottery tinkled merrily as Daniel sank to his knees. A maniacal chuckle bubbled from his lips, sending shivers of terror racing down his sweaty spine. He fell forward and grasped the innocuous sheets of paper. They crinkled and tore with the force of his rage. He shredded every page into tiny bits with barely a letter or line visible. When only unidentifiable scraps remained, he gathered the pile together and formed a bowl with his shirt. His hands trembled and bits of white and blue fell from his fingers as he shoveled the cellulose into the makeshift bin. Through it all there was unbreakable silence. Not even the sound of his own breathing penetrated Daniel�s consciousness. He worked with the efficiently, gathering every scrap with mechanical precision before clambering to his feet, and lurching towards the kitchen.

With the aid of a small square of light spilling from the living room, Daniel found the trashcan in the corner and emptied his shirt into it. The paper fell like snow, drifting down to coat the orange peels and coffee grounds in a layer of cleansing white. He stared at the innocent mounds of shredded knowledge. He had destroyed the evidence as effectively as he had destroyed the people it spoke of. Exhausted, Daniel fell back against the counter and slid to the floor.

The rectangle of light broke apart and nearly disappeared as Jack stepped through the kitchen doorway. Daniel looked up, searching the silhouetted face of his friend. He yearned for the simple wisdom that silent form would offer, and dreaded the pronouncement of guilt that he no doubt deserved.

�Feel better?� Jack asked quietly.

Daniel�s jaw worked spasmodically as he groped for a reply to the unexpected question. Feel? Was he even capable of feeling anymore? Better? Better than an army of dead friends and loved ones! Grief constricted his throat and he coughed harshly into the silence. I don�t know�

Jack crossed the kitchen and offered him a hand up. �Come on, go to bed,�

�I don�t need a babysitter,� he whispered bitterly. He shoved the hand aside and climbed unsteadily to his feet.

�You don�t?� Jack countered without a trace of levity. �Then how about a friend?�

�Go home!� Daniel ordered sharply.

�No.�

�So help me��

�What?�

Daniel bit back a gasp of surprise when Jack�s strong hands grasped his shoulders and shook him firmly. �You�ll tear me into little shreds like you did that report?�

�Shut up!�

�Go to bed.�

The request was nearly inaudible, as close as Jack O�Neill would ever come to a plea. Daniel trembled with the press of powerful emotions behind those three little words. He swallowed the lump in his dry throat and slipped free of his friend�s loosened grip. As he walked from the kitchen and through the living room, he kept his eyes carefully averted. Steadfastly ignoring the now empty space on the floor in front of the couch. The bedroom doorway yawned before him. He paused mid stride and took a deep breath.

With sleep came dream. Without a doubt Jack would spend the remainder of the night on the couch. He considered asking, begging the older man to leave. There was no way to control the emotions stirred by nightmares. Would he cry out? Sparing Jack the experience of battling his personal demons was more than a matter of dignity it was necessity. No one needed to know how deep the doubts ran. The guilt was his to bear. A load he would shoulder whether life continued for a week, a year, or only another hour.

�Bed, Daniel,� Jack urged softly.

The decision was made. His shoulders slumping in mute submission, Daniel walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

�No!� The hoarse exclamation faded into the dawn�s twilight gloom. Daniel sat up in bed and rubbed a hand over his sweaty face. The dream, like the sound, was gone. In its wake, he was a quivering mass of humanity with the sheets wrapped in tight, restraining bands around his waist and ankles. He kicked at the damp cotton ropes and swung his legs to the side of the bed. His toes kneaded the carpet, absorbing the comforting solidity of the fibrous strands.

A low moan filled the resounding silence and he clamped a hand across his mouth. Embarrassed by the lapse of control. The unintelligible murmur of the TV set crept under the bedroom door, a reminder of the hopefully sleeping man laying a scant fifteen feet away. What would Jack say about the nightmares? Something�nothing� What horrors were locked inside his grizzled soul? Daniel was struck anew with the overwhelming urge to pretend that all was right with the world.

�Do you dream, Daniel?�

He chuckled. �When I sleep, you mean?�

�Yes.�

�Sometimes��

�And afterwards?�

He ducked, schooling his features into a mask of innocence before replying. �What do you mean?�

�Oh, I think the question is pretty clear.�

McKenzie was an intelligent, learned man. He knew all the tricks. Daniel shook his head ruefully and flinched at the dull, throbbing ache that blossomed behind his eyes. He even knew when Jack was lying. If the Colonel, a master of emotional disguise, could not fool the good doctor then�

Daniel climbed carefully to his feet and waited for the furniture to stop moving. Equilibrium reasserted itself after a long moment of indecision. He walked gingerly around the bed and entered the bathroom, flicking the light on out of habit. He regretted it instantly. The glare off the mint and white tiles was nauseating. It filled his vision with arcs of light and sent shooting pains from temple to jaw. He swore softly and leaned against the wall behind the toilet as he blindly emptied his bladder. Finished, he turned and washed his hands, peering at his reflection through slitted lids. His eyes were bloodshot, and the skin of his chin and cheeks was slightly green beneath the two day beard.

Dear God, what was I thinking?

A fresh stab of guilt effectively silenced the attempted self-pity. Daniel splashed cold water on his face and rinsed out his mouth. His clothes reeked of vomit and cigarettes, blatant reminders of the previous evenings ill-advised activities. He pulled off the turtleneck and pants and threw them into the tub. The used handkerchief rolled in a stiff, crumpled ball across the floor, inhumed with the odor of his sordid tryst. Daniel swallowed the urge to gag.

It was true that Rhonda had been a willing partner. Perhaps in her own way just as needy. That didn�t change the facts of the situation. Daniel slammed down the toilet lid and sat down with a weary sigh. He had never been party to such an act. Sex had always been hinged with love. His partners had been few as a result, but each was memorable in their own special ways.

Not that there was a chance in hell that he would forget this latest encounter.

What did he expect? That somehow Rhonda�s attention could negate his guilt; prove that he was not a monster of the highest order? No, that wasn�t possible. The only beings that could testify to his peaceful intentions had vanished in a blaze of hellish fury. Did his dalliance prove that he was alive? Did the capacity to experience the erotic thrills of lust equal the ability to conquer pain? Were they one in the same, just varying degrees of pleasure or sorrow?

The questions ping ponged through his throbbing head, encouraging Daniel to knead his scalp with restless fingers. He was desperate to quell the physical ache and certain that it would not vanish, no matter how many drugs he chose to pore into his brutalized system. Eventually, the indifferent chill of the porcelain against his back penetrated his distracted thoughts. Daniel pushed to his feet and stumbled out into the bedroom.

The sun had risen, bathing the room in a warm orange glow. He did not remember opening the curtains on the French doors, and felt a brief stab of panic that someone may have entered the apartment while he was out. A quick cursory glance dispelled the suspicion and left Daniel with the disquieting impression that his overtaxed brain had failed him yet again. He turned away from the cheery morning light and rummaged in his dresser for fresh clothes. A shower, if he chose to have one, would wait until after he had gotten rid of his houseguest. He found a pair of sweats and T-shirt and slipped them on before opening the door.

Jack was curled up on the couch with his jacket thrown over his hunched shoulders. Daniel padded quietly past the sleeping form, leaving the babbling TV on. If he took the sound away, Jack would awaken. Suddenly, coffee and coherency were more important than ousting the older man from his perch. He wasn�t ready for more questions. The confusing jumble of doubt and disgust already residing in his exhausted mind were trouble enough for the moment.

Daniel filled the tea kettle and prepared a pair of coffee cups. Toast seemed the only viable option considering the state of his body and brain. He pulled a loaf of bread from the cupboard and turned on the toaster oven. The appliances were new, and he found himself staring inadvertently at his reflection in the stainless steel top of the oven. A haggard, haunted visage looked back. The countenance of a man chased by ghosts, the closest of which was his own subconscious. Given substance by fact irrefutable, it howled and snapped incessantly at his scrambling feet. A constant reminder of choices made and promises broken.

The kettle whistled mournfully and he pulled it off the flickering gas flame. As he poured the water into the cups, Daniel heard a telltale groan from the vicinity of the couch. He stirred the foaming cups and buttered the toast, struggling to ignore Jack�s presence until the last possible moment. The simplicity of breakfast preparation was over far too quickly however. Taking a deep breath, he grasped the coffee mugs and turned towards the living room.

Jack was sitting up. Tuffs of silver hair poked between his massaging fingers and lint was stuck to the stubble on his chin. He glanced up at Daniel�s approach and grunted acceptance of the proffered mug. �Your couch is lumpy.�

�I wasn�t expecting company.�

�Uh huh.� He sipped the coffee and grimaced. �Damn, that�s hot!�

Daniel rolled his eyes and collected the plate of toast and a jar of jam from the kitchen. He put the items on the coffee table and sank into the recliner next to the couch. �How did you know where I was?� Somewhere in the back of his twisted thoughts, Daniel recalled Jack�s fondness for clich�s. The best defense was frequently a good offense. He found himself desperately hoping that the older man would back down instead of bulling ahead with whatever intentions he possessed. Daniel knew immediately that he had miscalculated.

Jack slathered a piece a toast with a large dab of jam. He took a bite and chewed for a long moment. His deep, brown eyes flickered from the plate to Daniel�s restless form and fixated. Assessing his opponent with military detachment. �Doesn�t matter. What were you doing there?�

He bristled at the deliberate evasion. �The last time I checked I wasn�t under surveillance.�

�The Daniel Jackson I knew would never go three rounds in a storage room with a barfly,� Jack retorted levelly. He swallowed and wiped a hand across his mouth. �What were you doing there?�

�None of your business!� Daniel snapped.

�When I get a call at one in the morning and I have to drag my sorry ass out of bed, it becomes my business.�

Jack�s tone was deceptively calm. Daniel could sense the simmering frustration just beneath the surface. He was playing with something far more complex than fire, far more volatile than C-4. This man did not trust easily. His inner circle was small and tight. In the past, Daniel had been part of that carefully selected group. A part of him yearned to experience the unremitting loyalty and sense of security that were an integral part of friendship. On the planet, in the locker room, and the Gateroom; Jack had offered him that chance without reservation. It was his to reach out and grab and yet�

�I don�t know.� The admission slipped out involuntarily. Daniel took a bracing swallow of coffee and looked at the floor. �I was looking for something��

�What?�

He looked up, catching Jack mid bite. �I read the report.�

�All of it?�

�Enough.�

Jack grunted and chased the toast with the last of his coffee. �I don�t think so.�

�What difference does it make?� Daniel countered. �They�re all dead!�

�Not dead, Ascended. We all saw them. They�re happy, Daniel��

�For now!� he interrupted fiercely. �Until The Others show them the Universe, the horrors. Until they discover how truly powerless they are!� He sighed deeply and stared at the ceiling. Counting the tiles as he struggled to explain what remained a mystery. �Don�t you see? It�s a lie,� he whispered. �It�s not their journey to take, it never was. Ascension is a sham��

�I thought you didn�t remember anything?�

�They died and I couldn�t stop it. I remember enough.�

Jack leaned back and folded his arms. �No, Daniel, you don�t.� His voice was low, nearly lost in the collar of his shirt. The words touched with a depth of sorrow that chilled Daniel to the core. �In Baal�s fortress you came to me and I asked for your help. A way out of the cell. You refused and I was angry. I couldn�t believe you would just walk away after all the crap we�ve been through�� Jack swiped a hand through his tousled hair and looked up, seeking and holding Daniel�s nervous gaze. �Later I asked�I begged� you to end it. I thought if nothing else you owed me a quick, final death. Your answer was Ascension both times. Something I could not consider then�� he sighed heavily, ��or now. So it went on, each time worse than the last. I could feel myself slipping away. The worst was when I came back to the cell and you weren�t there� I thought I dreamed it...�

�Maybe you did,� Daniel muttered miserably. He couldn�t bear to listen. It had to be a lie� The brown eyes did not waver however, and he found himself a prisoner of those earnest depths. Forced to see what was almost too painful for words.

�No, Daniel. When I had finally reached the end of my rope you were there. I told you that I would tell Baal what he wanted to know. I didn�t care if it was blackmail, I needed it to be over and you were the only one who could do that for me. But you said it was almost over, that if I just hung on a little longer�� Finally the eyes dropped, and Daniel stifled a relieved sigh. Jack stared at the floor for a long time, his jaw working as he considered how, or if to continue.

No. I abandoned you in that cell. The Others wouldn�t let me act! The knowledge came in a flash of certainty, and he opened his mouth to deny the comfort that his friend would offer. Jack chose that moment to look up. His angular features were pale and drawn, but the deep set eyes focused on Daniel with feverish intensity.

�I know what happened and so do Teal�c and Carter. It was your idea for Yu to attack the compound. You visited Teal�c during his meditation and planted the seed. I believe it, Daniel, so should you.�

�It doesn�t matter. I didn�t act and the Abydonians died,� he replied.

�You were not responsible for what happened to those people.� Jack denied hotly. �Anubis would have destroyed the planet one way or another��

�But I gave him the eye of Ra!� Daniel pounded a fist onto the arm of the chair. Fears and failures rose like acid, boiling forth in a sea of incriminating words. �I read the report, you had to tell the truth! It was my idea to give him that artifact. I thought I could stop him! I was stupid enough to believe that he would hold to the bargain he made. And when he didn�t�Dear God� When he didn�t I was arrogant enough to think that I had the power to stop him! I never thought The Others would prevent me from doing so!� Memories of the final confrontation mingled with the stark black and white of written words. Daniel cradled his pounding head in his hands and struggled to breathe. He was suffocating beneath the weight of defeat, the certainty of responsibility. Choking on the tears of the terrified souls that had fallen like wheat before Anubis� descending scythe.

�Daniel?�

Warm, rough fingers grasped his wrist and he pulled away. Shocked and repulsed by the proffered comfort. �No!�

The grip tightened, unyielding. �Listen to me,� Jack murmured urgently. �I�ve known you for over eight years. You have never willingly hurt anyone. You have been a loyal friend to me, and an invaluable member of my team. Do you honestly think I would be here now if I thought you were responsible for what happened to the Abydonians? If I thought that you had abandoned me in that cell?�

The hand slipped away and Daniel looked up. Jack was sitting on the floor, his hands now wrapped securely around one bent knee. He smiled faintly. �I think you know me well enough to know the answers to those questions.�

�Do I?� Daniel shook his head and scrubbed a hand across his sweaty face. �I don�t seem to know myself very well.�

Jack chuckled and shifted glassy eyes to the TV. �Yeah well, no surprise there.�

�Meaning?� He recognized the rarity of the conversation, though the reasons how or why remained elusive. Now that words had begun to flow, he found that he was desperate to hear more. Clinging to the hope that somehow Jack could explain what frequently took lifetimes to understand.

The older man shrugged. �You are an enigma, Daniel. You always have been.�

The statement was one of finality. There would be no more revelations. Daniel suppressed a shiver of disappointment and waited for the inevitable reiteration of the question that had started it all. He didn�t have to wait long.

�So what were you doing there last night?� Jack did not look away from the newscast on TV. Someone who didn�t know better would think he was indifferent to the answer. Daniel could see the tension in every line of the long body however. He expected a reply, and nothing less than honesty would suffice.

He dropped his hands into his lap, noting the slight quiver in Jack�s jaw at the dull reverberating slap of flesh on clothed flesh. �I don�t know how I got there really, I just started walking and then I got tired.�

�So you thought you would stop off for a drink?� the older man remarked, his quiet voice shaded with undertones of disbelief.

�Something like that.�

�So where does whatshername fit in?�

�Rhonda,� he supplied with a wry twist of his lips. �I don�t think she fits anywhere, to be honest. I wasn�t�myself��

Jack snorted. �No kiddin�.�

Daniel wanted to be angry at the derisive response. Another man would have reacted defensively to the implied insult, but he was numb, weak, and watery from the previous explosion. �I can�t explain� I needed to feel��

�Her?�

He laughed hollowly, catching them both by surprise. �No, not just her, not just that� I needed to feel alive� Ever since I got back I�ve just been existing, going through the motions� Like I�m on the outside��

�Looking in,� Jack completed quietly.

There was something in the tone of the reply that made Daniel sit up straighter. He studied his friend�s profile. The lines had softened fractionally and a frown tugged at the thin lips. Daniel struggled with the disquieting impression that for a moment the older man was elsewhere. Not really sitting on the floor, feigning interest in the nonsensical patterns flashing across the TV screen, but lost. He knew beyond doubt that Jack was the bigger puzzle, an intricate maze of contradictions that would forever remain unsolved. �You know, you�ve been there,� he murmured.

�I�ve been there.�

Suddenly the hinted truths and pieces of imagery that had wracked his weary mind made sense. Daniel leaned forward and grasped his coffee mug. He took a long draught of the tepid liquid, considering and rejecting words and phrases that now seemed totally inadequate. The picture of his life was beginning to coalesce. The people and experiences that made up the better part of existence took their places, and he was flooded with a sense of relief and bitter regret.

Logic could not explain the sorrow, or wipe away the guilt. In spite of Jack�s reassurance, he knew that those sensations would remain a part of his soul. He had done a lot, but he could have done more. To live with the notion that sometimes the best was not enough was to be human. He had to accept that inescapable fact and move forward. The people in the building and on the street lived their lives every day oblivious to the forces that governed the universe. Rhonda made her choice, seeking solace in fleeting embrace. Whether she was content was not for him to judge. In the end, she alone would have to endure the consequences.

Daniel finished the coffee and allowed the cup to dangle from his limp fingers. Jack had made a myriad of choices over the course of his life. The pain of regret was there for all to see in the furrows that rippled the pale brow and the darkness that always hovered just beneath the surface of his words and actions.

�Daniel?�

The dark eyes shifted from the screen and came to rest lightly on his drawn face. He trembled, but did not duck away. There would be no more hiding from this man, or the simple truths he spoke of. �Yeah?�

�You gonna be okay?�

�I think so.�

In time�

*THE*END*