PART FIVE
"Revelations"
Karen�s lips curled into a grimace of pain and frustration. She yanked her arm from his grasp and shook her head. �You know as well as I do Jack. I can�t tell you the source of these kinds of orders.�
�These kinds of orders?� His eyebrows climbed towards his hairline. �Just how far up does this thing go?�
�Far enough.�
Jack bit back a curse as she turned away. He was too tired and confused to even consider the implications of her words. There was only guilt, hot and deep, searing conscious thought from his brain until he felt as fragile as paper ash. �Karen?�
She paused, her hand resting on the door handle. �Yes?�
�Why did you come?�
�Because I owed it to you,� she murmured thickly. �And because you would have done the same.�
Jack ran troubled eyes across her bruised face and torn uniform, shuddering at the sadness in her tone. �I�m sorry.�
�So am I, get some rest.�
He couldn�t reply, and after a moment she walked out into the busy hallway, leaving him alone. Jack fell back onto the rumpled bed and rocked his head from side to side on the pillow. Jonas was a prisoner, Teal�c and Daniel were injured, Sam hated him. Underlying all was the mystery of what had really happened during his captivity. Karen�s cryptic reply confirmed what he had begun to suspect. There were forces attempting to keep him in the dark. Was the SGC, Earth itself, also in harm�s way? What was on P2Z-421�?
Dreams like splintered glass chased through his subconscious, Wrenching Jack from deep slumber to fitful thrashing doze and back again, as sleep overrode the buzzing in his troubled mind.
The planet.
The city.
The tower.
Images painted in black and white. People moved as if in silent film, mouths opening and closing as orders were exchanged and injuries suffered. Running and falling, the flash of weapons and explosions as both energy and bullets tore into wood, stonework, and flesh.
A new Being, its� presence a familiar, but unexpected horror. A creature with glowing eyes dressed in long flowing robes of red and gold. It, she, opened her mouth to speak and suddenly there was sound. Echoing words, drawn out sentences of condemnation. Long jeweled fingers reached out to his trembling form as she pronounced his fate. Minions rushed forward and dragged him thrashing and screaming in silent fury up the stone steps and into the cell�
Jack bolted awake. Cold sweat saturated the bedclothes, and they clung to him in a slimy embrace that made his skin crawl. He thrust the sheets onto the floor and sat panting on the edge of the bed.
Osiris!
He had always suspected that some how, some way snakeheads were involved. There had never been any clear evidence until now. He reached for the phone and then paused.
What could he say to Hammond? Guess what, we�re dealing with Osiris. How do I know? Well I dreamed it you see�
Yeah, right!
Jack stood up, savoring the feel of the cold on his bare feet. His credibility was somewhere below zero at the moment. He needed something more. The question was who would give him that information? Did any member of his team really know? Had they seen Osiris? He rolled his head on his stiff neck and crossed to the ever-present pitcher of water on the desk.
As urgent as the new information was, he couldn�t resist a brief moment of self-indulgence. A sense of relief and accomplishment flooded through his tired frame as he drained his glass. It felt good to have something to concentrate on besides his damaged psyche and healing body.
After a long moment spent staring sightlessly at the gray walls, Jack turned to the mess of discarded papers on the floor. Not one of my better ideas, he mused cynically as he gathered them into a neat pile. Shuffling through the pages he scrawled a quick note to himself before stuffing them back into a folder. Glancing at the clock, he groaned in quiet dismay as he noted the time. His nap had been longer than he thought. For a moment he considered trying to bail on McKenzie�s session. Plead exhaustion, which wasn�t far from the truth. The visions had not made for quality sleep. The good doctor would not be easily deterred however, given his recent absences.
Swallowing his resignation Jack reached for his clothing and headed for the bathroom.
He emerged ten minutes later, freshly shaven and showered. With a last longing look at his rumpled bed he stepped into the hallway.
�Good morning, Sir.�
�Morning.� He gestured towards the elevator, hiding his discomfort behind a wry grimace. �Care to join me, Airman?�
�Sir?� The tall, older man fell into step beside Jack, his hands loosely clasped behind him. �Where are we off to this fine morning?�
Jack grimaced at his cheerful disposition. God, I hate morning people. �We�re off to see the wizard,� he quipped.
�I see.�
The Airman kept any further opinions to himself as he followed Jack into the empty elevator car and drifted to the back. After several long minutes filled with an uneasy silence and the embarking and debarking of personnel, they emerged on Level 12.
Jack stepped out into the quiet hall and started towards the psychiatrist�s large office. McKenzie had requested an office on the very last floor of the SGC. Which irritated Hammond no end. Most of the psychiatrist�s work was related to the Stargate program and the General was not fond of such sensitive information being located so close to the secretive, but ultimately more public NORAD. Unfortunately for all concerned, McKenzie was not strictly under SGC command. He was a USAF doctor, on loan to the Stargate program. The Hippocratic oath and high security clearance were all the protection he was required to provide SGC personnel.
�I�ll be right here, whenever you are ready, Sir,� the Airman told him as he took up a relaxed position to the right of the office door.
Jack nodded absently and stepped inside. The young woman behind the desk snapped to attention immediately. He winced, it was too damn early for all the bells and whistles. �At ease, Sergeant.�
�Thank you, Sir.� She relaxed only slightly and gestured over her shoulder. �Dr. McKenzie is expecting you.�
�Terrific,� he muttered beneath his breath.
�Sir?�
�Skip it.� Shrugging away the tension in his shoulder Jack moved to the door and rapped softly.
�Come.�
Robert McKenzie stood up and offered his hand. �Good to see you, Colonel. Have a seat.�
�Doc,� Jack acknowledged stiffly as he settled into a chair. �You need better furniture,� he groused.
�Yes, I�ve requisitioned new chairs.� The psychiatrist smiled wanly. �How are you feeling?�
�I�m sure Janet has brought you up to speed.�
�Come now, Colonel. You know how these things work.�
�Yeah,� all too well, Jack added silently.
McKenzie cocked his head to one side, idly thumbing through the thick file on the desk. �Talk to me, Colonel. How have you been since the incident in the Control Room?�
Jack bit his lip and looked at his fingers, which were nervously fiddling with a pen he had found on the edge of the desk. He tossed the felt tip onto the blotter and let his eyes wander across the picture behind McKenzie�s head. A seascape painted in shades of blue and green, fringed at the bottom with a hint of sandy browns and grays. The sky was lavender with one strip of magenta fire separating firmament and ocean. He could almost hear the waves crashing over the rock strew shoreline and the scream of the gulls that circled above the frothy waves. �Restless� The single word seemed to come from someone else, the sound yanking him out of the fantasy with dizzying speed.
�I see.�
Do you? That�s good to know, care to enlighten me? The internal sarcasm brought a twisted smile to Jack�s lips. He gestured at the tile beneath McKenzie�s elbows. �Quite a book, Doc.�
The psychiatrist nodded absently. �Tell me about your dreams, Colonel.�
The subject was a familiar one. At least every other day, Jack noted with inner disdain. He shook his head. �They vary, sometimes I don�t remember them at all.�
�Does this bother you?�
�Should it?�
�You tell me. You said you were restless��
�I�m bored I need something to do. I need to get back to work�assuming I still have a job that is.�
�Meaning?�
Jack flinched, as McKenzie switched easily to his new train of thought. �Major Carter informed me a few days ago that General Hammond is looking for a new SG-1 Team Leader.�
�This surprises you?�
Anger and resentment flared to life. Jack bit his tongue, struggling to respond to the pointed question in a way that would not encourage deeper exploration. �No, I guess not,� he admitted tightly.
�The SGC is a functioning military entity that must adhere to its primary mission statement and follow the protocols of the US Air Force, Colonel.�
�I know that,� Jack spat bitterly.
McKenzie�s eyebrows rose slightly at his tone. �You�re angry?�
�Yes, dammit!� Tension erupted into hot words he could not contain. �I�m not dead! God knows I should have died, but I didn�t! I feel like a man whose house has been sold, his truck put in storage and his possessions tossed to the curb! I want my job back!�
�Tell me about your dreams, Colonel.�
�What?� Jack stared nonplussed. �Tell you about�.�
�You want your team back under your command, you want to avoid a forced retirement for medical reasons?�
Jack nodded, licking his dry lips.
�Then talk to me, Colonel.�
�About my dreams?�
�Yes.� McKenzie shifted his weight, causing the chair to creak loudly in the quiet room. �You believe the answers are there, don�t you?�
�You do, apparently.� Jack accused.
�Talk to me.� the doctor cleared his throat. �Do you remember how it all began, Colonel?�
�The mission?�
�Yes. In your dreams do you remember?
Jack nodded reluctantly and took a deep steadying breath. He spoke in measured mechanical tones as he recounted the vision of SG-1�s arrival on the planet. Details that had eluded him in the hazy state that bordered awakening came to him in fits and starts as he sat before the patient doctor. As he spoke Jack made the disquieting discovery that there were gaps of time in his recollections.
Daniel, Jonas, and Carter had been engrossed in their study of the flora and fauna of P2Z-421. Teal�c and I explored the area in search of hostiles. Several hours passed before we entered the city and came under attack�
His mind had catalogued the events leading up to his capture as relatively unimportant in comparison to the ensuing battle and imprisonment. Now in the abiding silence of McKenzie�s office, the details were forming a more complete picture. As his description came to an end, Jack strove to hide the growing unease that had turned his restless fingers to ice. They had found something on P2Z-421, something important enough to risk the lives of Karen�s team and the remainder of SG-1. Jonas was a prisoner because Jack had failed to remember the critical time period between arrival and altercation.
What had they learned? How did Osiris fit into the picture? Was she really part of the situation, or some devil vision conjured up to bait his bruised conscience?
I need answers!
An expectant silence fell over the room as McKenzie scrawled notes on a legal pad and calmly watched him from beneath lowered eyelids. He was waiting. Jack could feel his insides slowly twisting into painful knots. He clamped his teeth shut against the anxious words that wanted to tumble from his dry mouth.
�Colonel?� McKenzie prodded gently. �Would you like to take a break?�
�It�s all my fault�� Jack hissed between clenched teeth.
�I don�t understand.�
�What�s happened over the last few weeks to my team.�
�Why?�
The one word question brought him up short. McKenzie was not aware of his suspicions concerning Osiris. He rolled the name around in his mouth as he considered and rejected the notion of sharing the hard won knowledge. In truth, he could not be sure if she were simply a remnant of a nightmare. There was no hard evidence, only a vague set of suspicions. Feelings he could not trust couched as they were in paranoia and a mind numbing fear of retribution. The fact that he was home and safe had not stopped the creatures from coming to him as he tried to sleep. Wraiths that chased through the shadows of the room, hovering on the stray noises from the hallway or the smells and sounds that drifted from the vent above his head. As real in the stillness of the night as the horror he had suffered on the planet.
�I don�t know,� Jack admitted softly, forcing the errant thoughts to the back of his mind. �I�m sure, that�s all.�
�That�s just it, Colonel. You can�t be sure of your facts right now. I want to help you understand and remember what happened��
�There�s more,� Jack insisted, as he rose shakily to his feet and began to pace the floor. Giving the psychiatrist a wide berth, he strove to explain what fueled his fear without revealing the gnawing doubts that plague him. �Why was my team sent back to that hellhole? Did Carter find something so valuable that it was worth risking lives on a second mission? On the off chance that my capture was a fluke and not a guarantee?� He shook his head his voice dropping to a feeble whisper. �They could have all died��
�But they didn�t, Colonel. You can�t lose sight of that fact. It�s rather presumptuous of you to think that everything that happens concerning SG-1 or SGC operations must be connected to you.�
�I don�t care if it is,� Jack grated in reply. �I know.�
�How?�
�Someone told me, not in so many words, but��
�Someone? Who?�
�What difference does that make?� He stopped pacing and glared at McKenzie. �I�m not going to narc out a fellow serviceperson to satisfy your curiosity.�
�Not curiosity, Colonel. If a breach of orders has happened I�m obligated to report it.� He raised a placating hand as Jack opened his mouth. �My sole purpose is to assist you with your recovery, finding out if your�paranoia�has a reliable basis in fact is simply part of my job.�
Jack relented with a deep sigh. �I suppose.�
�You trust this person?�
�Yes.�
�They implied that the orders concerning P2Z-421 came from very high up the chain of command?�
�They did.�
McKenzie�s face softened slightly and he offered Jack a pale half smile. �Then take confidence in your ability to handle this information and use it constructively. Your military career has been built on your skills as a soldier and on your ability to analyze a situation and decide on a productive course of action. Apply that to your current situation.� He punctuated his words with a sharp gesture of his hand. �Use what you know to regain the part of yourself that they took from you, Colonel.�
The advice was solid and logically presented, The fact that McKenzie was basically giving him license to dig where he wasn�t wanted obviously did not concern him. For the first time Jack found himself truly trusting the normally reserved man. He sucked in a tremulous breath and ran a hand over his tousled hair. Where to begin�
Jack paused outside the Infirmary door and leaned heavily against the wall. He felt good about the session with McKenzie, despite the discomfort their discussion had generated. He had taken a step forward and he knew there would be no going back. The elevator trip to the commissary and a half an hour spent ruminating over a bowl of soggy fruit loops had allowed him time to analyze what the good doctor suggested. The decision to act left him feeling faintly giddy. There was a bounce in his step as he boarded the elevator and headed for what he hoped was a fruitful conversation with his injured teammates.
Now, standing outside the door, he was suddenly nervous. If, as he suspected, he held a measure of the guilt for their current predicament, then how would they react? Jack shook his head at the unfamiliar and unwelcome feeling of indecisiveness and stepped into the subdued murmur of the Infirmary.
Daniel was the first to see his entrance. The archeologist offered Jack a wan smile and his hand as he crossed the room and stood hesitantly by the bed. �Glad to see you�re up and around,� he enthused softly.
�Wish I could say the same,� Jack gestured at the bandaged hand lying across Daniel�s chest. �Karen said you broke a finger, when are you gonna learn��
Daniel smirked and waved him off. �Yeah I know, don�t tuck my thumb,�
�Burns hurt?�
�How did you�oh never mind. Not really.�
�That�s good. Where�s Karen?�
�Janet sent her home, I think. Friend of yours?�
�Yeah.�
Daniel paused obviously uncomfortable. �Jack, I�m sorry I haven�t been by to see you...�
Jack blinked in surprise and quickly shook his head. �Life goes on,� he said simply. �You�ve been busy.� The thought that Daniel felt any measure of guilt was galling. As his team leader and his friend Jack couldn�t help the instinctive feeling that he owed Daniel absolution for events neither of them had been able to control.
He pulled a chair close to Daniel�s bedside and sat down heavily. �I need to talk to you about what happened when we first got to the planet.�
The younger man looked away, his blue eyes suddenly restless. �What about it?�
Jack stifled a curse. Secrets! �I�m starting to remember bits and pieces, I need you to fill in the gaps.�
�Okay�� Daniel shifted, hissing through his teeth as he adjusted his bandaged legs. �We arrived on the planet�Sam, Jonas, and I started looking around. You and Teal�c fanned out and did some scouting. Came back after a couple hours, we ate lunch and then headed down a trail you found. Came out on a ridge overlooking this medieval city.� He paused, eyes hazy with memory. �It was beautiful, too bad really. Anyway, we headed into town and then we came under attack.�
�And?� Jack prompted gently.
Daniel nodded and reached for the glass of water by the bed. Slaking his thirst he put it back and studied his bandaged fingers for a long moment. �And you ordered us to run for the Gate. Teal�c, Jonas, and I got separated from you and Sam.� his voice fell to a troubled whisper. �You told us not to wait for you, but we did. Teal�c saw you go down. He was able to circle back and grab Sam, but when the smoke cleared you were nowhere to be found.�
�It�s okay, Daniel. I know you had no choice.�
�Yes we did,� he retorted angrily. �We could have stayed��
�And gotten captured? No, I wouldn�t wish that on my worst enemy.� Jack reassured him. �It was better this way.�
Clearly unconvinced, Daniel sagged into the pillows and stared moodily at the ceiling. �It was awful for you, wasn�t it? Worse than Baal?�
Jack rose and paced the length of the bed. He had compared the relatively similar situations, but not shared any of his conclusions. Looking back at his friend who was watching him with wide earnest eyes, Jack dismissed the lies that came easily to his lips. �Yeah, it was,� he confessed.
�How?�
�How? You�re starting to sound like McKenzie��
�Jack��
His resolve evaporated like so much steam in the face of the younger man�s fraternal concern. �It was pointless, everything they did. They didn�t want anything from me, they just wanted to use me for their own amusement�� He had never voiced his suspicions to McKenzie, preferring to sort through the repercussions of his captivity in the privacy of his thoughts. Admitting that the creatures that ultimately desired nothing but pleasure from his pain had broken him, was almost more than his logical mind could process.
�At least Baal was looking for something,� Daniel surmised.
�Yeah.� Jack winced at the shudder that rolled through him. A year and a half had not dulled his body�s involuntary reaction. He was forced to endure the fresh, cold sweat every time someone mentioned the sadistic System Lord. He had gotten good at hiding it from almost everyone�
�Jack?�
�What?� he murmured distractedly.
�Have you ever talked to Sam about what happened?�
�No.�
�Why?�
�Why would I? Like she needs to feel any worse than she obviously does?�
�Guilt is a powerful drug, you of all people know that,� Daniel advised. �She wanted to help you get through it, she wants to help you now.�
Jack ducked his head, hiding his grimace of self-loathing from Daniel�s probing gaze. She had helped, or tried to. More specifically, he had reached for her and because she cared, she had stayed with him. At least until the fire that drove him had died to ashy embers. How long had she held him before slipping quietly away?
Shaking himself to clear the distracting painful images from his mind, Jack schooled his features into a neutral mask and looked up. �Tell me about Jonas, Daniel.�
The younger man sighed wearily, �Don�t do this to yourself.�
�Do what?� Jack demanded, resisting the urge to shake Daniel with effort.
�You think it�s your fault that he�s missing, don�t you?�
Jack didn�t waste the energy trying to deny the truth. �It is,� he asserted. �Tell me what happened. Why were you all back there on that planet?�
Daniel�s gaze shifted to the ceiling and then dropped to a spot on the far wall. �I can�t do that, Jack.�
�Why not? What the hell is everyone hiding?�
�Everyone?�
�Oh come on!� Jack grated between clenched teeth. He sat on the stool and leaned close to Daniel�s ear. �Karen Griffin said as much. I need to know.� Daniel flinched and pulled painfully away. �Dammit Daniel��
�Jack, I can�t!�
�Why not?�
�Because�.�
�That�s a hell of a reason,� Jack spat angrily, as he ran a restless hand through his hair.
�I just�can�t. That�s all.�
He heard the fear and the lie echoing in Daniel�s quiet, desperate tones. Jack laid a reassuring hand on his friend�s shoulder. To his surprise and dismay he discovered that they younger man was shaking. �Hey?�
�What?� Daniel whispered.
�You okay, want me to get the Doc?�
�No.� he shifted his dark blue eyes to Jack�s face and slowly shook his head. �I can�t, Jack. Please�don�t ask.�
�Okay.� He squeezed Daniel�s shoulder. �Get some rest.�
�Thanks.�
Jack rose to his feet, wincing at Daniel�s painful grunt as the younger man rolled onto his side. His mind was working overtime as he walked through the quiet room to the drawn curtain in the corner. Daniel had never been so secretive in all the years they had known one another. Worse than his reticent attitude, was the fear and sadness that lingered in his restless gaze. He wanted to help, but forces beyond his control kept him silent. Pausing at the desk of the on duty nurse, Jack gestured towards the curtain. �Is he awake?�
�I am O�Neill,� rumbled the voice of his Jaffa teammate.
Jack smiled and waved off the nurse as he stepped through the curtain.
�T?�
�O�Neill. You are looking much better.�
�Wish I could say the same,� Jack replied with a small smile. �I thought I told you to duck.�
Teal�c shifted to a sitting position and bowed his head slightly. �You did indeed. The aliens on P2X-421 are better marksmen that we first believed.�
�I don�t remember to be honest,� Jack glanced around for a stool, finding none he braced his tired legs against the frame of the bed. �You gonna be okay?�
�I will.�
A fleeting looked of indecision crossed the Jaffa�s dark features, sending Jack�s heart into an anxious gallop. Since when did Teal�c second guess himself? �Hey? What�s up?�
�I heard your conversation with DanielJackson.�
�And?� Jack prompted already knowing the answer and dreading it.
�I cannot be of any assistance to you, O�Neill.�
He shook his head in resigned disbelief. Karen�s cryptic statement was starting to take on a life of its own. Who or what could hold such power over his closest friends and confidants?
�You are troubled, O�Neill.� Teal�c stated quietly.
Jack glanced at the large man, noting the melancholy in his dark brown eyes and the uncharacteristic frown on his lips. �Yeah, I am.� He shifted one of the wheeled carts that skirted Teal�c�s bedside and leaned tiredly against the concrete wall. �I have to admit it really pisses me off that anyone can hold that much power over all of you�� He trailed into silence, understanding bringing a warm flush to his cheeks. �Holy Shit��
The who and why of the tangled web that surrounded them came into specific relief with a jolt that set Jack�s world on edge. He swallowed the wave of nausea that rolled over him and pushed himself unsteadily away from the wall.
�O�Neill are you unwell?�
�No,� he murmured distractedly. �Take care of yourself, T.� Waving weakly, he stepped from behind the curtain and strode rapidly to the exit. The Airman fell into step beside him without comment. Jack could feel the older man�s eyes resting lightly on his back as they entered the elevator and dropped slowly to Level 28. His mind was spinning in dizzying circles as he exited the car at a jog.
�Sir, slow down�� the Airman cautioned.
Jack ignored him. He was breathless when he reached his destination, and his hand shook as he reached out to rap on the metal door that confronted them.
�Come.�
Gesturing for the Airman to stay put, Jack pushed open the door and shut it firmly behind him.
�General?� His voice was shaking with fatigue.
�Jack, for Christ�s sakes, sit down before you fall down,� Hammond admonished.
He sank into the stiff chair opposite the desk and looked at his superior through bleary unfocused eyes. �It�s Kinsey, isn�t it? He�s behind all of it!�
Continued in Part Six Confessions
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