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PART SIXTEEN

"Good-bye and Hello"

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Jack stepped from the cab of his truck and pulled at the collar of his dress uniform with an irritated grunt.

Cemeteries�

Oppressive when viewed from the road or the vantage of a casual stroll, downright nauseating to actually venture into. He had always hated the look and feel of such places. The inky shadows that seemed to hover about the aged stones, and play like live things amid the tangle of neglected flowers at their bases. The surreal silence that settled between the rows and wove dusky tendrils through the tree limbs that skirted the ancient lots. The kind of deafening stillness that when shattered by birdcall or child cry made you wince and collapse into yourself in the irrational, but nonetheless tangible fear of the dead. Only the necessity of respect, or familial obligation, could drag him to a cemetery.

He stepped through the black iron gates and walked up the gravel path in the wake of a group of huddled mourners. The family limousine had pulled in moments earlier and was parked by a small, rectangular block of mottled pink and gray marble. He smiled ironically at the incongruity of the feminine feeling stone with the warrior Karen had been. She would have appreciated the acknowledgement of her softer side. For him it was a gentle reminder of the special woman she was. Hard, unyielding to outward dominance, or inward pressures. Warm and inviting to those she shared her heart with.

Jack paused just outside the gathering circle of friends and family. He recognized Julie, her sister, standing closest to the stone. She was accepting the small box of Karen�s personal effects from General Hammond with a timid, hesitant smile on her freckled features. Jack swallowed the lump in his throat at the forlorn look in her bright blue eyes.

I�m sorry�I wish there were more�

Karen�s grandmother leaned forward in her wheelchair and ran one gnarled hand over the box. Tears streaked her cheeks, but she did not seem to notice. She caressed the dark wood, her sharp gaze never leaving the General as he spoke in murmured tones. Jack could only imagine the cold, standard rhetoric Hammond was being forced to convey. The family deserved more. A part of him balked at the unfairness of it all and he looked away. Unable to watch the plastic expressions of Karen�s friends as they heard, and accepted the necessary lies.

The approach of a second larger sounding vehicle caught Jack�s attention. He walked to the side of the gravel track as a USAF van lumbered into view. It proceeded to the gravesite and parked beside the Limo. Eight Airmen dressed in formal uniforms stepped out, armed with rifles. Jack folded his arms and moved a bit closer to the assembled group as the unit fanned out a few yards behind the stone. The Major in charge was not from the SGC. Jack shook his head, sighing with resignation. Under normal circumstances, that fact would be highly insulting to the family. Given the SGC�s current state of unrest over the Kinsey debacle and Osiris, it was completely understandable.

The unit assembled and the Major stepped back a few paces, looking towards General Hammond for the signal. Jack walked through the small murmuring group and came to a stop behind his CO�s left shoulder.

�Jack,� Hammond acknowledged out of the corner of his mouth. �Glad you could make it, son.�

�Yes, Sir,� he murmured.

As if I would miss it?

The older man meant no harm by his statement, and he swallowed the flush of uncalled-for ire with a sigh. Sensitivity had never been a problem until now.

The Air Force Chaplain stepped forward and began to read the 23rd Psalm in a gentle monotone. Jack listened numbly, his mind churning over the countless times he had heard the words, and felt the unwanted flush of sentiment that followed too quickly in their wake. The darkness of sorrow washed over the crowd as the Clergyman neared the end of the reading, and gestured with one thin hand to the box of effects that rested on a small table beside the open grave. A tall man Jack did not recognize, separated from the crowd and helped Julie lower the box into the ground. It slipped from their grasp and landed with a muted thump. Sending a wave of shifting feet and nervous mutterings through the mourners.

The General nodded towards the waiting officer and Jack stiffened to attention. Ignoring the uncomfortable chill that flitted across his nerves, he focused his eyes forward and waited for the sharp crack of weapon�s fire.

�SQUAD READY!�

�AIM!�

�FIRE!�

The stillness shattered beneath the simultaneous expulsion of seven raised rifles. An involuntary shiver coursed through Jack�s body, bringing a tingle to his clenched hands. He heard gasps and a single strangled cry from the assembled crowd, and saw the flicker of movement as someone bowed their head.

Once�

Twice�

Three times�

�SQUAD RELENT!�

The mournful strains of taps filled the eerie silence that fell in the wake of rifle fire. Haunting tones rose and fell on the deadened air, as the people shifted uncertainly beneath the oppressive weight of memory and honor. As the last note faded the unit relaxed, and Jack released the breath he didn�t know was caught in his dry throat. Bodies began to mill around him as the crowd sorted itself into familial groups. People smiled uncertainly in his direction, and he brushed a self-conscious hand through his tousled hair. He could sense their questions.

Who are you?

Don�t I know you?

You�re so and so�

Their confusion was valid, especially given his absence in Karen�s life over the last ten years. He nodded at their polite non-inquiries and made his way around Hammond�s shoulder to Julie.

She was shorter then her sister, and had gotten their mother�s red hair and freckles as opposed to Karen�s darker elegance. Her hesitant smile and bright blue eyes were the same, however. He stopped, momentarily breathless at the sight of her. She saved him further embarrassment by stepping away from her grandmother�s wheelchair and extending one slim hand. �Jack.�

�You remembered.� He cupped her hand in his, feeling both pleased and saddened by her recognition.

�How could I forget?� Julie laughed softly.

Her hand was warm and slightly damp. He held on for a long moment, squeezing the soft flesh, trying to reassure them both. �I do tend to leave an impression.� The admission was inane and he dropped his eyes immediately to his shuffling feet.

�Yes, you do.� She slid her hand free and touched his shoulder with feathery fingers. �I�m glad you came and I�m glad you were there�it makes it easier�somehow.�

Jack shook his head, and forced himself to meet her moist gaze. �I wish I could have done more.�

Julie shook her head and folded her arms. �I�m sure you did your best. Karen always said you were one of the best fighting men she ever worked with. You always gave one hundred percent she said,� she bit her lip at the name and he touched her wrist. Needing to feel the connection with Karen as much as she did.

�High praise.�

�Always,� she whispered.

They stood for a moment frozen in their mutual grief and uncertainty. Karen�s grandmother broke the silence with the touch of her bony hand on his leg. Jack suppressed a startled gasp and turned towards the elderly woman, offering a small encouraging smile.

�I remember you, Jack.� Her ancient voice was little more than a breath on the warm breeze. He bent closer and she grasped his neck with surprising strength, grazing his cheek with a papery kiss. �Thank you, son.�

�You�re welcome,� the words sounded hollow and false falling from his lips. He patted her hand as it slid from his shoulder. �I remember you too.�

She nodded, and turned away to greet another mourner.

Julie touched his elbow as he straightened. �Will you be coming to the house, Jack?�

�No.�

Too quick�

He licked his lips and tried again. �I�m sorry. I�m leaving town tomorrow and I need to get things in order��

�I see,� she covered any disappointment by embracing him abruptly in a fierce, almost desperate hug. �Don�t be a stranger, okay?�

Jack nodded into her hair. Uttering the false promise that everyone makes when they know it will be the last time they see someone. �I won�t.�

She stepped back, acknowledging his pledge and the nature of it with a sigh. �Take care.�

�You too.�

He watched her move through the dissipating crowd. A worthy shadow of her sister, small and proud, her head held high.

�Jack,� General Hammond stepped into his line of sight, questions lurking in his small, blue eyes. �I heard you say that you were leaving town?�

�Yes, Sir,� he replied levelly.

�Don�t you think you should check with me first?�

�I was planning on returning to the SGC after the service to speak to you.�

�I see,� Hammond replied slowly.

I doubt it�.

Jack nodded stiffly. His gaze drifted over the heads of the departing people, and fixed abruptly on one familiar face lurking by the roadside. �With your permission, Sir,� he murmured stonily, as recognition brought forth a simmering heat of disbelief.

�Of course.�

He barely heard the reply as he stalked purposefully down the slight rise to confront the unwanted guest. �What the hell are you doing here?�

Daniel shifted his feet in the gravel. �I thought I should come��

�Why?� Jack demanded hotly.

�Because I�I was there��

Jack growled an oath and pointed back towards the stone with one trembling hand. �Fat lot of good it did her or any of us!� He balled his hands into fists and jammed them into his pockets, struggling with the urge to flatten the younger man. �You have no business here, leave.�

�I should pay my respects��

�No,� he denied in an icy whisper. �Go home, Daniel.�

�Jack��

�Honest to Christ, Daniel! If you don�t get the hell out of here��

�You�ll what?� he challenged quietly.

Jack blinked, taken aback by the muttered reply. Darkness hovered in Daniel�s blue eyes, hauntingly intense. He shivered despite the heat of anger.

I don�t know�

Just go away�

�Go before I do something I may regret.�

�Is that even possible?� Daniel turned away, his hands raised in a gesture of surrender.

Jack watched his retreating back for a long moment. His head had begun to throb with the beginnings of headache, and the murmur of retreating voices and cars had faded beneath the rasp of his heavy, rapid breathing.

Get a grip�.

Swallowing hard, he turned back towards the stone. Everyone had left during his brief altercation and the open grave yawned desolately, its black maw at odds with the cheery wreaths and pots of flowers that surrounded it. He walked back up the slope, wincing at the ache in his knees and the sharp prickles of pain that bathed his shoulder.

It�s hell to get old�

He paused mid stride and shook his head.

You�ll never know, Karen�I suppose there�s something to be said for that�

Jack finished the journey and stopped before the stone. He traced his fingers across the chiseled letters, swallowing hard against the ache in his throat.

Karen Elyse Griffin

I�ll miss you�

It was true, and he wondered why it was so hard to admit it and why he had not kept in better touch. Life was full of choices and regrets, she deserved better than to be the road not taken.

He straightened and walked behind the gathering of sentiments to the back of the stone. A small pile of earth was hidden discreetly underneath a carpet of Astroturf. He fished beneath it and came up with a handful of rich, dark soil. The damp earth gave him strength, connecting him to the land and the people that surrounded him in an unexplainable fashion. He clenched his fist, feeling the granules dig into the creases of his palms. With a nod of finality, Jack returned to the open hole and tossed the dirt into the darkness.

---

�Come.�

The response to his knock was immediate. As if the General had been waiting the two hours it had taken Jack to return from the cemetery, and draft the letter he now clutched in his sweaty hands.

Perhaps it was not so hard to believe�

He pushed open the door, and closed it behind him with a nod of acknowledgement to Hammond�s silent offer of a chair. Seated, he looked at the letter and then at the expectant face of his superior. The General�s pale, blue gaze was resting on his folded hands. He seemed to sense Jack�s change of focus and looked up with a sigh. �I think I know what this is about��

�Sir?� Jack licked his lips, not liking the sudden feeling of unease that shivered up his spine.

�Yes,� Hammond held out his hand. �Let�s have it.�

Nonplussed, he handed over the thin envelope and sat back in his chair.

Have I always been this transparent?

Or only since the Pellans twisted and slashed my sense of self until it was only faintly recognizable, even to me?

The General slid the paper free and skimmed the contents with a heavy frown on his rounded features. He reached the bottom of the sheet and looked up. Sadness hovered in his searching gaze. His mouth opened as if to speak, and then closed with a snap. He stood up and paced the short space from chair to file cabinet, then back again. �Jack��

�Sir?�

�Are you sure this is what you really want? I mean we�ve all been down this road before��

Jack shook his head, a wry smile tugging at his lips. �With all due respect� No one has been down this particular road.�

�Yes, I suppose that�s true,� Hammond agreed quietly. �But we�ve lost people under our command before��

�It�s different this time�It�s�� he struggled for the words, and hoped that the older man would save him the trouble.

�Cumulative,� the General suggested.

Jack released a heavy sigh and nodded. �That�s a good way to put it.�

�I don�t want to oversimplify this by any means,� Hammond qualified. �There are other issues involved here. Things you can�t just lay down and walk away from, you know that.�

It was a statement of truth. He would not insult the man by denying it. �Yes, Sir. I know that�but I can�t�deal with them this way� Not anymore.�

�You need perspective?�

Jack rose and paced to the window, unable to face the concern in the older man�s face or voice. �I think so,� he replied softly.

�Then why not take a leave�?�

�No, Sir. That won�t do it, not this time�� he fell silent, his eyes riveted to the drab expanse of the drawn shade. He could see tiny threads of brown running through the synthetic fabric, nearly hidden by the overwhelming gray.

Like me�

Hidden in plain sight�

�Too much has happened�I can�t keep doing this. I need�stability�� It wasn�t the right word, God only knew what he meant to say.

The General sat back in his seat with a soft grunt. �They scared you, didn�t they?�

He nodded, voice failing in the face of the blunt question.

�Jack, don�t walk away because of what some psychotic creatures put you through. You�re a better, stronger man than that. Make the choice because it�s what�s best for you.�

Were they one in the same?

He wondered at the distinction that Hammond was trying to make. Was there a difference between hiding from emotional turmoil, or simply declaring a truce with his tired subconscious?

�They haven�t beaten me, Sir.� He said it with conviction, willing the words to be as true as they sounded.

�Then you�re thinking about the future?� Hammond pressed.

�Yes, Sir.� Jack turned to catch the older man nodding, his index finger resting on his chin.

�I can think of at least one fellow officer who may welcome your change of venue.�

Jesus, I should be made of glass�

He closed his slack jaw with a snap and offered a shy grin at the leading comment. �I don�t know who that would be.�

I don�t even know if it�s true anymore, or if it ever was�

He sobered inwardly at the thought, but kept the fears from showing on his face.

�Give me some credit, Jack.� Hammond retorted good-naturedly. He dropped his eyes to the letter. �You�re sure?�

�Yes, only��

�I won�t say a word, hardly my place.� The general stood and rounded the desk. He offered his hand and Jack took it, giving the soft flesh a firm squeeze. �I wish you good luck, I hate to lose you. But I would hate it a lot more if you lost yourself.�

�Thank you,� he started to say Sir and changed it with a grin. �George.�

---

Jack left the mountain without speaking to anyone else. The day had already been replete with good-byes and he felt shaky, a bit out of control of his surging emotions. Tomorrow would be time enough to confront the chaos of his office, and the more complex machinations of the relationship that, quite possibly, was no more with Carter.

He drove for a time. Taking the scenic road that skirted around the base of the mountain, and out into the open countryside away from Colorado Spring. The summer air was heavy on the roadway, raising heat devils from the dark pavement. He noted their deceptive shimmer and the lazy drifting of eagles on the wind, even as his mind wandered aimlessly. Seeking a measure of release from the unbearable tensions of the days, weeks gone by. The headache that began during his confrontation with Daniel reached a crescendo while he hunted and pecked his way through his letter of resignation. Sometime between meeting with Hammond and reaching the checkpoint at the bottom of the mountain, it had mercifully dissipated. The absence of the distracting pain left him free to enjoy, or perhaps endure the late July heat.

His eyes rested on the road, flitting occasionally to fields and forests that passed by in a blur. Making the decision had come easier than he expected, almost too easy. He questioned it as much as Hammond did and for the same reasons. It was always easier to walk, nay run, from problems. Time alone, rattling around an empty house, should have taught him how futile an exercise that actually was.

The afternoon slipped away beneath the rumble of his truck tires. Jack meandered down back roads, taking a roundabout route back towards home. The suffocating solitude of the house was not something he wanted to deal with. He thought briefly of calling Teal�c. The Jaffa had chosen to pay his respects to Karen in private, and not risk having to explain his injuries to a family already overwhelmed with grief. He discarded the idea with a weary sigh as he pulled into a convenience store. The Jaffa would be uncomfortable with his restless demeanor, subjecting him to moody silence or incoherent ramblings wouldn�t be fair to either of them.

Jack entered the store and picked out a variety of things he didn�t need, including a six-pack of beer. He put the items on the counter and paid the sallow faced adolescent with a twenty-dollar bill. The kid didn�t try to hide his surprise, or pleasure, when Jack shoved the change back across the counter. �Keep it.�

It was a small thing, but enough to give him a much needed sense of hope. He could do this. He could, and would, survive. Bolstered by inner resolve, Jack pulled onto the road and headed for the quiet neighborhood where he had lived for nearly eight years. Rounding the turn at the base of the hill, he accelerated up the incline and stopped on the crest with a sudden jolt.

Daniel�

A cold knot grew and tightened in his stomach, as Jack pushed heavily on the gas and swung into his driveway.

What the hell?

Don�t you take a hint?

He stared in disbelief as the younger man stepped awkwardly from his car. Jack turned off the engine with a resigned sigh and climbed from his truck. He gathered the groceries from the seat, and walked around the warm grill without looking in Daniel�s direction. A part of him hoped he was crazy. That no one, certainly not the redoubtable Dr. Jackson, would be dumb enough to push their luck twice in one day. Considering the circumstances, it was almost inconceivable.

Almost�

Daniel was not an apparition however, and he proved it by following Jack up the steps. His footfalls on the worn, wooden slats reverberated through Jack�s skull, setting up a fresh pounding headache that left him vaguely nauseous and wondering if he were having a heart attack. Anger, as irrational as it may be, was the cause for the tingling in his fingers no doubt. The knowledge did little to regulate the base drum that had somehow replaced his heart, however. He repressed a curse and pushed open the door with his foot. Daniel followed silently into the dark entryway, not waiting or asking for an invitation. The man�s audacity irritated him all the more, if such a thing were possible.

Jack walked into the kitchen, and put the groceries away with a speed born of emotional turmoil. Dealing with Daniel�s demons, however justified, was the last on his list of priorities. The fact that the younger man�s remorse was tied directly to his current instability had little bearing on the situation. The peace brought about by the quiet afternoon drive fled into the corners of the dimly lit room, lost like so much fog beneath the harsh sunlight of reality.

He stopped his frenetic organization and rounded on the quiet figure standing in front of the fireplace. �What the hell are you doing here?�

Daniel fidgeted, jingling the change in his pocket. �I�uh�I�m not sure really.�

Jack twisted off the cap of his beer and took a long, bracing swallow. �You�re not sure?�

�No�I�took a walk this afternoon. Needed to clear my head a bit about what happened earlier.�

�Which earlier?� He demanded levelly as he walked around the edge of the bar, and stepped into the living room. The back of his legs had begun to burn and tremble with the strain of holding in his rage.

How dare you�.

�At the funeral,� Daniel clarified quietly.

Oh that�

The internal sarcasm left a sour taste in Jack�s mouth. �You had no right to be there, Daniel,� he bit out acerbically.

�You were going to hit me, weren�t you?�

He said it without a hint of surprise or anger, a dull little phrase that should have been an accusation. It would have been easier, less of an overwhelming defeat, if Daniel�s anger matched his own. If he had chosen to rage against the perceived injustice of Jack�s reaction to the situation, instead of standing placidly in front of the dusty mantel.

Easier, but not necessary�

�Yes I was�I still might if you don�t get on with it.�

Daniel nodded in reply. �I had to go, try and speak to the family�to you�about what happened.�

�Why? What the hell difference does it make?� Jack walked further into the room, directing his steps towards the back of the couch. Putting something solid between them suddenly seemed highly preferable.

�I wanted�I�m not sure what I wanted�� Daniel leaned on the mantel and stared into the dusky fireplace. �You have to know I didn�t mean for this to happen�I never thought��

�You never thought�� Jack shook his head and bit down hard on his lip. Blood spurted across his teeth, filling his mouth with a bitter, iron tang. �You never do, Daniel. It�s come back to haunt us more times than I can count, but no more.�

�What?� The single word drifted across the room, weak and hopeless.

�I�m going to recommend to Hammond that you be taken off field duty, permanently. No one else is going to��

�Jack, please. You can�t��

�I can�t?� Emotion boiled over, dissolving the last mental barriers like so much acid. �Daniel, do you understand how massively you fucked up? Don�t you get it yet? She�s DEAD for Christ sakes! There is no way you can change that.�

�I know��

�Do you now?� He drained the beer and threw it into the fireplace. Daniel flinched, stepping hurriedly aside as the bottle whizzed past his hip and exploded in a shower of amber glass. �Do you really?�

�Yes, dammit! I would do anything to take that back��

�You can�t! She�s dead because you froze and why did you freeze?� Jack shook his head and leaned on the back of the couch. He swallowed hard, struggling with the futility that tinged his harsh words. �You froze because you thought you could rescue Sarah. She was dead already! You put the retrieval of a dead woman above the safety of the living!�

�I didn�t��

�Yes you did!� he cut off the denial with a hoarse shout. �We depend on one another every time we go through that Gate. You could have killed Osiris, and Baal, and all the rest of those slimy bastards two years ago! But, yet again, Daniel knows best. You didn�t, you let the bitch live! Why, because you thought you could save her!� He was trembling uncontrollably now. His fingers clenched and kneaded the back of the couch. Gooseflesh popped the length of his arms and across his tense shoulders, as sweat ran in rivulets down his back. �You let them go and then Baal caught me and put me in that hell hole! You stood by and you watched and waited��

�I tried to help you�� Daniel murmured desolately.

Jack pushed on, years of resentment pouring from his lips in a tone of deadly calm. �You stood by and watched me die how many times? Finally you had the balls to stand up to Oma, to try and rescue the Abydonians. What the hell good did it do? They�re all dead too!� He growled his rage and spun away, burying his face in his chilled fingers. �They�re dead and now Karen and Sarah are both dead. Only one died a long time ago, and the other should have lived long enough to become a spinster aunt.�

�Jack, I��

He dropped his hands and cast his eyes towards the ceiling with a helpless sigh. �You know what, who gives a damn? Screw you and the horse you road in on Dr. Jackson. It�s not my problem anymore.�

He hadn�t meant for it to come out. In truth, he had forgotten just how hurt he had been by Daniel�s apparent inaction during his crisis with Baal. Standing in his living room, emotional barriers crumbled at his feet, Jack knew there was no going back. The words were history now, and if some small part of him regretted the loss of control and the divulgence of bitter truth, then he would have to live with the result. Regret seemed to be the lion�s share of his existence.

What a selfish, cheery thought�

The droll observation brought a grimace to Jack�s pale lips. He looked up and discovered that the living room was empty. It wasn�t surprising, and in a way he was grateful for the solitude. What could possibly be gained by haranguing Daniel any further? What had been lost by finally releasing the pent up frustrations of the past two years?

He walked stiffly to the living room window and peered between the blinds. Daniel was sitting in his car. His glasses hung limply from one hand and he appeared to be pinching the bridge of his nose.

Crying?

Jack pulled back and shook his head. Furious that he could engender such a reaction from another man, and equally disturbed by the almost irrepressible urge to go and straighten things out.

I must have been mistaken�

He leaned forward a second time and caught a glimpse of Daniel�s car as it backed into the street. There was no way to confirm or deny his suspicions. The fact left him cold with confusion.

�Damm you to hell, Daniel.�

He walked into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge door. The interior was dark, something he had failed to notice in his earlier haste. He considered another beer, then thought better of it. There were too many things that had to be done and he needed to think clearly while he did them.

He spent the evening organizing paperwork. Calls to banks and the USAF would have to wait until morning. The yellow pages offered a wealth of realtors, but he put the decision to sell his home off for the time being. Despite the emptiness of the roomy dwelling, it did offer a certain sense of peace. Situated in a quiet neighborhood, except for the cranky old hag across the street, it gave him a connection to the family life he still craved. The people knew him and they watched his property during his lengthy absences without ever being intrusive. Perhaps the best and worst feature was the house�s location. On a hill overlooking the town, and just around the corner from Charlie�s grave.

The thought gave Jack pause. He sat back on his heels, the dustpan and brush hanging loosely from his hands. The remains of the sand garden glimmered in the last streaks of sunset that spilled across the back deck and through the open French doors. He had not visited Charlie in a long time. It was easier, like everything else, to stay away from his son�s gravesite. As if visiting would give the nightmare of reality more substance than it already possessed.

He deserves better and so do I�

Jack bent and finished cleaning up the mess. Change seemed to be coming to every aspect of his life. It was at once exhilarating, terrifying, and utterly exhausting.

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