PART FIFTEEN "Going Home"
Daniel fired.
The staff blast tore into Osiris� midriff. The tall, slender form jerked and stepped back, eyes flashing briefly as a soft grunt of surprise escaped her lips. She looked down, mouth moving spasmodically as the color drained from her cheeks. The shredded fabric smoldered and fell away, painted black and crimson with ash and blood. Her arms pinwheeled weakly in a vain attempt to catch her balance as her life force seeped from the ragged wound onto the polished floor. Jack watched in numb fascination as she seemed to crumple into herself and sink, landing with a muted, wet thump.
Too little�
Too late�
The room took on a milky sheen, washed nearly transparent as rage and grief boiled over. As if from a great distance, he heard the resounding boom of a staff weapon returning fire and the high-pitched whine of a Zat. His gaze drifted across the width of the cellblock and fastened onto the quivering form of the remaining Jaffa. The large man fell heavily against the wall and disappeared in a silver tracery of energy. He blinked and swallowed against the dryness in his throat.
Dead�
Dear God�
�Sir?�
A voice�
Hands stroked feather light across his face. He could not see the source of the tentative touch. There were only shadows, flitting through the periphery of his vision, shifting in and out of focus. His eyes were drawn to the lighted, rectangular panel outside the cell door.
Someone�
Jacob�
Was pushing the buttons. The door slid open and he heard a grumble of dismay as the Tok�ra disappeared from view.
�Sir�Jack?�
The hands were firmer now, grasping his shoulders. He winced, and bit back a cry of pain as the fingers dug into the fresh burn. �What?� The room itself seemed to lack substance so he whispered, afraid and desperate, to shatter the mirage.
Dead�
�Sir, come back to us, okay? We need to get moving.�
�Carter?� The smells of burnt flesh and melted plastic teased his nostrils, adding solidity to the walls and floor that surrounded him. Jack shook his head, urging his mind towards reality. His eyes flitted from the open cell door, across Sam�s anxious face to Karen�s still form lying in the mouth of the corridor. �She�s dead,� he murmured desolately.
Sam swallowed audibly and cupped his cheek with one trembling hand. �Yes, Sir. I�m afraid she is.�
Daniel�
The name seared a blaze of rage and resentment across his conscious mind. He licked his lips and grasped Sam�s wrist. She gasped but did not pull away. He tore his gaze from Karen�s body and searched her face, seeking the solace he prayed would be mirrored in her dark eyes. Grief and fear furrowed her pale brow. Her lips quivered and her eyes closed for a moment before she met his searching look.
Jack released a hitching sigh.
Please�
Oh my God�
Daniel�
Words and images tumbled through his mind, tearing the breath from his throat. Sam pulled free of his weak grasp and moved to squeeze his good shoulder, trailing her other hand from his cheek to his chest. The fingers splayed across his heart, warm through the thin fabric of his shirt.
Please�.
Jack nodded slowly, trying not to gasp as emotion temporarily overrode conscious thought. He was asking her for something that he could not name and for which she could not reply. The hand pressed against his chilled flesh and her eyes grew impossibly bright. He leaned against her for an endless moment before pulling back with a shudder.
Daniel�
Too late�
�I�m okay,� he answered her unspoken question with a hoarse whisper. Gaze never wavering, Jack pulled his knees beneath him and lurched to his feet. Reality gradually returned, bringing practicality and necessity blessedly to the forefront. He ran a shaking hand through his hair and across his neck. �Get him.�
She nodded, there was no need to explain who or what he meant.
Son of a bitch�
He struggled with the useless emotions that clouded his thoughts and dimmed the room beneath a reddish haze of rage.
Think, dammit! Focus or we aren�t going home!
Jack forced his feet into motion. Ignoring Sam and Daniel�s mumbled words, he crossed to the open cell and stepped over the threshold. Teal�c was seated on the hard bench along the back wall. The Jaffa�s dark face was marred with mottled purple bruising and his clothing was shredded, hanging loosely from his large frame.
�O�Neill,� he greeted quietly.
�Teal�c, you good to go?�
Stupid question�
There wasn�t time for anything but action, he consoled himself as he stepped further into the cell. Jacob did not comment on his less than tactful query, but chose to move to one side of Teal�c and offer his arm.
�I am,� the Jaffa replied.
Jack stopped in front of the large man and rested a hand on his shoulder. Teal�c raised his dark eyes and locked gazes with him in mute understanding. He bit back a sigh that threatened to become a sob of frustration, and stepped aside as Teal�c climbed shakily to his feet.
You�re a good man, my friend�
The words spoken so long ago echoed through the dark chambers of his mind, as Jack helped maneuver the Jaffa through the doorway and out into the cellblock.
Don�t look�.
Like a roadside horror, his eyes were drawn to Karen�s body lying just beyond Osiris� bloody, twisted form. He saw her hand, bone white, resting across her chest. A look of fear and anger had contorted her soft features into a final, frozen grimace. Hair was stuck in her long lashes, pulling his gaze to the lifeless orbs fixed on the ceiling. Brilliant, blue eyes that had been so full of intelligence, humor, and love, were now barren of expression. Empty of her gentle soul, they had turned a glassy gray. He could feel a dull ache in his throat as the lump of regret and grief swelled to choking proportions. He closed his eyes, and coughed thickly. Tears stung the lids and leaked out to burn twin trails of ice down his cheeks.
My God�
Karen�
He bowed his head and leaned on his knees, struggling to hang onto the last shreds of self-control.
Karen, I can�t�.
But I won�t forget�
No one will�
The inner resolve gave Jack the strength to open his eyes and straighten up. Stumbling slightly, he bent and retrieved a discarded Staff weapon before joining the group waiting anxiously in the doorway of the cellblock.
�Jack�� Daniel�s voice, halting and unsure, reached his ear.
�Not now,� he replied bitterly.
No one spoke as they ventured into the empty corridor. Leaving Karen�s body behind went against his every basic tenet. Unfortunately, personal and professional concerns had to be cast aside in the face of the overriding need to rescue the living, and destroy the Naquadria device. There was no room for error, no second chance if he let emotional upheaval dictate his actions. Jack paused at the juncture of the corridor and cast a last, longing glance over his shoulder.
�Good-bye.�
Did I say that out loud?
Does it matter?
�Which way?� he hissed beneath his breath.
Jacob slipped from beneath Teal�c's arm and stepped to his side. He bowed his head slightly, and Jack braced himself for Selmak�s breathy echo.
�To the right, and then the first left. If Jonas is in Osiris� Sarcophagus, then it is most likely located in his private quarters, directly beneath the Peltak.�
Jack gestured the group down the hall, depending on Sam to scan the corridor behind them as they proceeded forward at a brisk walk. �The Bomb?� he asked softly when they reached the next intersection.
�Rigged to detonate in less than twenty minutes,� Sam replied from her place in the rear.
�That�s why we came looking for you,� Jacob added.
�Yeah, thanks�I think,� he replied darkly as he pushed off the wall.
Adrenaline cleared Jack�s mind, and filled his aching body with a fresh spurt of energy. He lead the group down the long hallway, straining his ears and eyes for any sign of Osiris� remaining forces. Logic suggested that the bulk of the Jaffa would be on the lower levels. Some of them still searching vainly for him, others on stand down until they would be needed to pilot gliders, or occupy the remains of Earth.
An activity he had every intention of denying them.
The architecture of the ship was deceiving. Filling his ears with the echoes of moving men and equipment, and the creaks and groans of the stalled vessel. Sounds that were merely an annoying distraction under normal circumstances now clenched his stomach into anxious knots. He knew he was being paranoid. Osiris was a renegade, and despite evidence to the contrary, his resources had to be somewhat limited. The facts of the situation did nothing to gel his scattered thoughts however.
They reached the end of the hall after stopping several times for false alarms. Jack eased to the corner, drawing Jacob forward with a curt motion of his hand. The Tok�ra joined him, nodding to himself at the sight that greeted them.
A small group of Jaffa dressed in silver armor patrolled the wide dead end corridor that intersected with theirs. From their angle they could glimpse the edge of the door that stood at one end. A guard stood at attention, his left arm extended slightly, cradling a Staff Weapon loosely in his gloved hand. The tip of another weapon could be seen crossing over the long shaft, a clear indication that a second guard was hidden from view.
Jack shifted his eyes to the open end of the corridor. �Bridge?� he mouthed.
Jacob nodded a second time.
He looked at his watch and bit his lip. It was only a matter of time before someone discovered Osiris� body.
And Karen�s�
Would the Jaffa react like any snake deprived of its head? Would they function as a cohesive unit, or flounder recklessly?
�Jaffa, Kree!� A disembodied voice filled the hallway, sending a chill down Jack�s spine. He caught the word Tauri mingled amid the incomprehensible gibberish that quickly followed. Time had run out.
The Jaffa in the larger hallway stiffened. Jack pulled his head hastily back into the shadows as a pair of guards headed for the mouth of their corridor. Surprise was the only real weapon they had against superior numbers. He ground his teeth in silent frustration, and eased into a defensive crouch.
Jacob stepped past him, Selmak�s strident echo reverberating off the gilded walls as he spoke. �Jaffa, Kel Osiris! Your Lord is dead, you are free!�
Crazy bastard! What are you doing?
The Tok�ra�s bold maneuver was little more than a distraction and his words were merely filler. They served the purpose, however. The warriors froze. The eerie tones of the Tok�ra�s voice so like their God captured their attention and stilled their actions in momentary confusion.
�Now!� Jack ordered sharply.
Sam reacted instantly, rolling and firing across the width of the corridor. Jacob dropped to his knee and brought the muzzle of his Zat to bear on the closest Jaffa. The glowing strand of electricity wrapped around the man and he moaned and sank to the floor. Jack felt the heat of a Staff blast as the bolt sang past his ear and impacted with the second guard. He wondered idly where the shot had come from as he dove behind Sam and flattened himself to the opposite wall. The panels above his head melted into slag as he slithered around corner.
Alerted by the weapon�s fire, the guards at the open end of the corridor changed direction and poured back into the cramped space. Jack ducked and laced his fingers protectively across his neck, moving forward on his elbows. The air thickened with smoke and the noxious fumes of burnt wiring and molten metal. He inched along the wall, depending on his team to cover his six as he approached the chamber.
His progress had not gone unnoticed by the two guards stationed outside the closed door. As he scrunched into a ball behind a wall strut, one of the Jaffa circled right and the other crouched in anticipation. Jack pushed off the wall with a grunt of exertion and rolled a second time. Firing at the guard by the door as he crossed the width of the hall. His movement sent him inside and underneath the Staff blast of the moving Jaffa. The man by the door spun as the sizzling heat of the Zat glanced off his armor clad shoulder. Jack fired again and pushed himself into the feet of the second guard. The heavy man tried to dodge sideways and caught his toe beneath Jack�s leg. He fell headlong, his staff clattering uselessly across the floor. The guard by the door fell to the floor and Jack fired twice more, biting back a perverse shout of pleasure as the Jaffa promptly disappeared.
He could hear the man�s companion scrabbling about on the floor somewhere behind and to his right. The guard gained his knees and snatched his weapon from the floor, as Jack spun onto his side and raised the Zat. The Staff glowed to life and he pushed desperately against the floor with his feet. His body slid across the polished surface, and a fresh, black hole burned into the floor as the Staff expelled two shots in rapid succession.
Damn!
Jack�s teeth clicked together and a sharp pain spread through his skull as his head impacted with the wall. The guard was advancing, the tip of his weapon glowing a deep orange. He could feel the tingle of energy as the Staff gained charge, and smell the sweat and rage pouring from the Jaffa in malevolent waves. Bodies moved through the haze of smoke behind the larger man, illuminated by the flash of weapon�s fire. He could hear the grunts of fighting men and the sharp crack of orders being exchanged between his people. Jack blinked, struggling with the smoke and stars that clouded his view. The head of the staff drew closer, beginning to pulse.
Strange�.
I never noticed that before�
�Jack!�
The shout of warning shot lightning along his frozen limbs. He dove sideways across the doorway as the Jaffa fired with a roar of rage. The door above him resonated with the onslaught of energy. Jack glanced up and rolled away as a second blast landed inches from his head. Momentum carried him into the corner to the right of the doorway. He clambered painfully to his knees, inwardly amazed and grateful that he had not lost the Zat.
The Jaffa grinned maliciously and stepped closer.
Smart maneuver, nothing like shooting fish in a barrel�
The aged clich� registered somewhere in the back of his throbbing skull as the guard stopped and braced himself for the final shot.
No�
This can�t be it�
He swallowed hard and looked hastily from the Zat in his hand to the tip of the Staff. The weapon was pulsing again. The sounds of battle faded away as he stared at the tip of the Staff.
Sam�
Karen�
Daniel�
Teal�c�.
Jonas�.
The weapon jerked sideways and he watched, mesmerized as the Guard stiffened and fell forward. He landed with bone crunching force, the Staff rolling free of his lifeless fingers.
What�
Who�
�Colonel?� Sam stepped through the haze of smoke and crouched beside him. �Are you okay?�
�Carter?�
�Yeah, are you hit?�
�No,� he murmured. She seemed to be floating before him. Her pale features set in a frown of concern as she ran hesitant fingers over his arms and legs. �You?�
Sam sat back and shook her head. �I�m okay, just a little singed.�
�Good,� he felt stupid for saying it. Somehow there should be more to the statement.
Timing�
Her hand lingered on his burned shoulder. Stroking the tape back into place and resting tender fingertips on the bruised flesh beneath.
Sam�
Jacob moved into view, shattering the breathless moment into a thousand painful pieces. Jack took a deep breath and indicated the door with a weak wave of his hand. �Can you get in there?�
�Yes,� Selmak answered.
�I just hope he�s in there, we�re running out of time�� Daniel mumbled from his place by the wall.
Jack ignored the pessimistic comment. There was little they could do if they had guessed wrong.
�I am confident DanielJackson,� Teal�c intoned. He reached down and offered Jack a hand up. Sam stepped back with a small, encouraging smile as he took the proffered arm and lurched to his feet. The world seemed to tilt and dim before righting itself beneath the dull roar of his racing pulse. He swallowed the accompanying nausea and turned as the door slid open with a low rumble.
The outer chamber of the System Lord was decorated with tapestries of red and black. Gold threaded images hung from the walls and seemed to float against the ceiling, tinting the unseen light source with a checkerboard of crimson and sketchy shadows.
The Sarcophagus�
Jack stood in the doorway, letting his team flow by him on either side. He could hear the muted hum of the coffin-like object. It filled the room, weaving in and around their bodies, pulsing with the beat of their hearts. His eyes flitted from its ominous form to the walls, the ceiling, the backs of his companions as they filed into the gilded space.
The Sarcophagus�
Source of endless nightmares�
Of life�
And death�
He shook his head, welcoming the bout of dizziness that swept the painful memories to the back of his overtaxed psyche. �Jacob?�
The Tok�ra turned at his husky whisper and raised a questioning eyebrow.
�Can you turn it off?�
�Yes.� The older man moved to the end of the Sarcophagus and reached below Jack�s line of sight. The tone changed and then faded to silence. Daniel and Sam stepped forward on either side of the head, and waited patiently for the top to split open.
Jack sucked in a startled gasp at the bright flash of light that temporarily filled the room. The sound of stone on stone grated in his ear as the Sarcophagus opened and the light died away. He stepped cautiously forward.
Jonas.
The Kelownan was staring up at his companions with wide eyes and a confused frown on his lips. He blinked rapidly and cleared his throat. The sound sent a shiver up Jack�s sweaty back as he paused by the foot of the Sarcophagus.
Sam looked at him, a question hovering in her blue eyes. He nodded, not trusting his voice. The Sarc was like a live thing, taunting him with its very presence, stirring demons better left asleep. He swallowed and licked his dry lips, as Sam leaned over the lip of the coffin and squeezed Jonas� shoulder.
�Jonas?� The young man nodded slowly. His gaze swept across their faces and gradually focused on Sam as she continued. �We need to get out of here, do you think you can walk?�
�Yes,� Jonas whispered. He made a move to sit up and Daniel reached forward to offer his arm.
�Allow me, MajorCarter,� Teal�c rumbled. He took her place on Jonas� other side and helped lift the weak man to his feet.
Jack glanced over Jonas� shaky form and gave the Kelownan a slight, encouraging nod. �Time, Carter?� he prompted.
At least one thing has gone right�
Small consolation�
He pushed the thoughts aside as Sam stepped to his side. �Ten minutes.�
�Tell me this tub isn�t going anywhere,� he asked hopefully.
She smiled at his phrasing. �No, Sir. It�s dead in the water. We destroyed the crystals that control navigation and energy distribution.�
�Sweet.� In another time and place he might have asked how, he might have even cared. But now was only for the necessary. Jack nodded and took in the group with a wave of his arm. �Bus is leaving.�
Jack sat back in the copilot�s chair of the Scoutship and ran idle fingers across the rim of the console. Their escape from the Mothership had been simple after finding Jonas. Typical Goa�uld paranoia had prompted Osiris to install a ring transporter in his quarters. With minutes to spare they had arrived in the hanger bay and blasted clear of the doomed vessel. The lightshow from a quarter light year away had been spectacular, to say the least. They were free and clear and only eight hours from Earth.
Eight long hours�
The price for their success lay in a billion atoms spinning across time and space. Jack cleared his throat as the flash of the explosion filled his mind�s eye, bringing with it a painful lump of anger and guilt. He had been grateful for the glare, it offered a ready excuse for the single tear that refused to stay captive behind his clamped eyelids.
The price was high, too high�
�You okay?�
�Yeah.�
Jacob kept his gaze focused on the Viewscreen, but he nodded at Jack�s noncommittal reply, clearly aware of his discomfort. �You did the best you could. It�s not your fault, move on.�
Jack winced at the unconscious echo of his own words. Three years earlier he had told Sam the same thing when Alar�s men had died against the Iris. It was logic, habit, a necessity born of military rigidity.
No wonder Carter wanted to slap my face�.
She had responded with her usual �Yes, Sir�, seeming to accept his �advice� as she continued to deal with the situation at hand. Her anger and pain had come much later. After the mission had come to a horrible, albeit necessary conclusion, he had found her in her lab. Slamming things about and uttering rapid-fire curses into the empty room. Typically dense, it had not occurred to him specifically why she was so angry, until she was mere inches from his nose. Her pale features flushed crimson and her brow wrinkled in a deep, sorrowful frown. �I killed them,� murmured like a last fateful breath into the heavy silence. He had left without a word.
It was foolish to think that her anger was directed solely at him, though she had her reasons. The utter horror and disbelief on her face when they stood on the ramp and listened to Alar expire against the Iris was an image that chased him into sluggish sleep for weeks. Finally driven back to the nether regions of his mind by the next major crisis of conscience.
Not my fault�
Then whose?
Daniel�
Jack stifled a low moan of frustration and stared resolutely at the Viewscreen. The name came too easily to mind, bringing with it waves of irrational resentment. What happened to Karen was just the latest in a long chain of disasters, it wasn�t Daniel�s fault.
But it was�
Osiris was dead, the Mothership was in a million pieces. He had too much time to think.
Eight hours�
The cargo bay door rumbled and an involuntary shiver raced up his tense back.
Why did these crates have to be so damn small?
�O�Neill?�
What!
After a moment he recognized the voice and swallowed the urge to snap. Teal�c neither deserved, nor would understand his frustration. Karen�s death and leaving her body behind were simple facts not to be dwelled upon. Jack envied the larger man�s sense of practicality. The ability to detach himself from his emotions had fled into the darkness of his subconscious weeks, or was it years ago? He couldn�t be sure. Teal�c crossed the small space and stood behind his chair. He could feel the heat from the Jaffa�s body and smell the faint spicy odor of his skin. Turning slightly, he stared upwards into the passive features. �Yes?�
�JonasQuinn has reawakened, he seems�confused.�
�I bet.� Jack rubbed his arms against the sudden inward chill. �Tell Daniel to sit with him. He�s been through it��
�DanielJackson does not appear to be himself,� Teal�c interrupted softly.
�I don�t give a damn to tell you the truth!� Jack snapped irritably.
The Jaffa blinked and bowed his head. The angry words seemed to wash over and around him like rapids in a stream. �Very well, O�Neill.�
Jack sighed and watched Teal�c turn stiffly away and walk back into the Cargo Bay.
I shouldn�t have said it�
But�
He squashed the next thought and turned back to the Viewscreen.
Eight hours�
Jack stood alone on the quiet, empty street and watched the USAF car pull away into the dusk. The taillights flashed cheerfully as the vehicle approached the intersection at the base of the hill, and then winked out as the car turned the corner.
Alone�
He waited, expecting and dreading the suffocating anxiety that had characterized the last long night he had spent at home.
Nothing happened.
The non-reaction was almost as disquieting as the trembling and sweaty palms had been. He felt numb, disconnected from the corporeal form that trudged wearily up the driveway and paused by the hulking form of his pick up truck. He slid one hand over the door handle. Caressing the cold, damp metal while fingering the keys in his pocket with the other.
No�
He could not retreat into the welcome warmth of an alcoholic haze. There would be no point. Nothing had changed despite or because of the beer. Jack�s fingers brushed across the pill bottle he had shoved into his pocket. He withdrew the small plastic cylinder and squinted at it in the fading light.
The name of the painkiller was smudged, the directions beneath it all too clear.
�Take one capsule every four hours or as needed. Not to exceed six pills in a twenty four hour period�
Jack smirked and clenched the bottle between his fingers. The plastic squeaked with the pressure, but did not give way. He loosened his grip and jammed it into his coat pocket with a muttered curse. Beer would handle the physical pain, it always had before. Unfortunately, alcohol of any sort would also release the demons. He swallowed hard and continued towards the porch. Dealing with the wraiths of memory was something he was loath to do under the best of circumstances. Let alone in his current state of exhaustion.
He fished for his house key and came up with a second amber bottle.
Sleeping pills�
Why did Janet waste her time?
A better question�
When had she started thinking I needed them?
He jammed the key into the lock and stepped into the dark entryway. Reaching for the light, he paused and dropped his hand to his side with a muffled slap. The sound was uncharacteristically loud in the silent, empty house. The light would only highlight who and what were missing from his home. There was no point in showcasing the obvious. Choking on a sigh of resignation, Jack tossed his coat into the corner and navigated his way into the kitchen.
Crap!
His foot snagged on the leg of one of the barstools and he stumbled slightly, catching his balance by landing heavily against the fridge door. Pain shot through his bruised and burned shoulder, temporarily numbing his fingers. Jack bit his tongue against the involuntary cry that threatened to erupt from his compressed lips. He wrenched open the door and took a hasty step back at the blinding glare of the internal light. As if out of pity, the bulb chose that moment to blow. Filling the air with bright blue sparks and a single puff of smoke.
Sweet�
He reached in, hoping he would grab the water jug he had spotted and not the milk that was undoubtedly out of date. Grasping cold plastic, he flicked off the top and took a cautious sniff. Satisfied, he drank deeply, letting the cold liquid bathe his raw throat and spread ice across every frazzled nerve.
The sides of the jug sucked in with a sharp snap as he drained it dry. He tossed it towards the sink and shrugged when it bounced off the lip of the counter and onto the floor.
It�s not like it matters, no one will know it if sits there until Christmas�
Self pity, what a wondrous state of being�
A bitter smile curved Jack�s lips as he walked carefully around the edge of the bar and into the living room. The cozy space was half lit by the neighbor�s streetlight. A maze of inky shadows and bright amber light, deceptive if one didn�t know his way.
Ouch�
Coffee table!
Or was just this side of total collapse�
Jack sank onto the couch and cast a weary gaze towards the stairway leading to the second floor and his bedroom. Sleep, or an approximation thereof, would be no more or less likely up there as opposed to down here. The knowledge forced a rattling sigh from his throat.
I�m too damn tired to move�
Screw it�
He pawed through the debris on the coffee table and found the TV remote. Practiced fingers located the power button and the bar to scan the channels. He flipped through the stations, never pausing more than a few seconds on each one. The images flickered, bathing the room in varying Technicolor shades as he struggled to get comfortable. The painkillers were still in his jacket on the floor by the door. He considered, and rejected, the idea of retrieving them in the space of a single breath. The pain of fresh bruises and burns would distract him. Keep him from thinking too much about whom he had left behind, and the part of him that had finally died in the fiery explosion of the Mothership.
At least it had before�
Sleep was another matter entirely. Jack shut off the TV and tossed the remote back onto the table. Turning in his seat, he found the lamp switch and pushed it. The room alit with the warm glow of a 60 watt bulb beneath the cream colored shade. He reached for the sand garden nestled on the shelf underneath the lamp and placed it in his lap. Three rakes of varying sizes were lying along the edges of the multicolored sands. Jack traced his index finger along the rim of the box and then picked up the smallest rake. He began to draw.
Lines and swirls spread from beneath the blunted teeth, given life by tiny pastel beads and mineral chips. He snaked the head of the rake from side to side and then the width of the dark green, wooden box. His wrist cracked as the small instrument swiveled in his fingers. Deeper and then shallower, eliciting nonsensical patterns that drew his attention until the living room faded away completely.
The box tipped abruptly, spilling sand across his knees and onto the floor.
�DAMMIT!� His hoarse shout ricocheted off the walls and filled his ears with a single plaintive note. He threw the box across the living room. It glanced off the arm of a chair and crashed against the French doors. They shuddered beneath the impact, and he waited slightly breathless for the telltale cracking of glass. The steady tick of the mantle clock was the only reply.
Jack clenched his fists on his aching knees. Quelling the urge to throw additional objects with effort. Hearing the explosion of shattering glass would only temporarily assuage the mounting frustration and desolation he felt. Fixing the result was just another in a long line of truly exhausting thoughts.
Sleep�
He dug one clawed fist into his pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills.
Dreams�
He took out a single pill and placed it on the tip of his tongue. The caplet melted almost immediately, leaving the bitter medicine in its place. Jack swallowed hard and reached for the lamp with trembling fingers.
Nightmares�
Jesus, I hope not�.
The parking lot was half full when Jack drove into it the following morning. Fatigue had finally taken over his body sometime after midnight, forcing him into a mercifully empty state of unconsciousness. For the first time in weeks he had not dreamed. As he pulled into his usual space, he reflected on the fact that such a state was a mixed blessing.
What did it mean when even your subconscious refused to speak to you?
He forced the question to the back of his racing thoughts and stepped into the fresh, cool morning with a plastic smile on his face. The day ahead loomed like an ominous cloud, suppressing any inner light that dared to shine. He felt his shoulders sag beneath the weight of it as he crossed the lobby and greeted the OD with a muffled, �Good morning.�
�Sir. Are you alright?�
Jack nodded curtly. �Fine, have a nice day.�
Why do you ask?
He walked down the hallway and stood before the elevator bank. The burnished steel doors tossed back a hazy reflection, and he winced in sympathy for the desk officer. The man had a valid point, he looked like death on a plate.
The OD on sub level 11 chose not to comment on his appearance, but simply nodded in greeting and went back to his paperwork. Jack proceeded to his office level and settled into the padded chair behind his desk with a heavy sigh. Thankfully the elevators had been empty, and the halls filled with subordinates who would much rather skirt around a dour faced superior then speak to him.
Life was replete with small miracles�
He grimaced at the flip thought and fingered the thick file in the center of his desk. The folder was the result of an aborted attempt at organization the night before. After enduring an hour long pins and needles session with Janet, he had spent an additional hour trying to form his thoughts into some coherent order. Fatigue and emotional turmoil had made that task next to impossible, so he had headed for the surface. It had taken most of the physical exam to convince the good doctor to let him leave the mountain. He wasn�t about to give her cause to change her mind.
Looking at the jumble of hand written notes in the light of a fresh day did not improve the situation any, unfortunately. The events leading up to and including Karen�s death and Jonas� rescue were a blur of weapon�s fire and pain, both physical and emotional. A hodgepodge of images and sounds that culminated in the descending of a thick curtain of despair as Osiris� ship blew itself apart. He dreaded the upcoming debriefing more than any single event of its kind in all his military service.
It was more than Karen�s death, more than the guilt at not bringing everyone home, no matter their state. It was the finality and the all-encompassing nature of what he could only view as a personal failure.
Jonas was a gibbering wreck. His state of mind only partly explained by Sarcophagus withdrawal. With the exception of a few stolen moments that hardly seemed real, Sam had become distant. Her every glance fleeting and nervous, filled with regret? Teal�c was his usual stoic self, but clearly uneasy with his friend�s discomfiture.
Then there was Daniel.
Jack pushed to his feet and paced the small office. The name brought a tide of unwanted emotions, with anger first and foremost. He hated himself for not being able to readily forgive the younger man for his actions. Anyone could have frozen in the heat of battle.
I did�
The inner admission caught in his throat.
No, it was different.
I was about to die�
He wasn�t, Karen saved his ass�
Why couldn�t he return the favor? Why didn�t he?
Damn you to hell, Daniel!
The phone cut through the steady thump of his racing pulse. Jack sucked in a startled breath and reached for the receiver with chalk white fingers. �Hello?�
�Colonel O�Neill, General Hammond is asking for you.�
�Huh?�
�The debriefing, Sir,� the voice reminded hesitantly.
�Yeah, two minutes,� he responded crisply.
Damn�
He dropped the receiver into the cradle and gathered the open file together.
Activity had increased significantly in the corridors since his arrival. Airman and lower ranked officers offered cautious salutes and stepped wordlessly aside as he stalked through the halls and up the stairs to the conference room. He paused outside the half closed door. Gathering his thoughts, and his shredded composure, into a barely contained bundle before he crossed the threshold.
All eyes settled on his pale face as he took his seat. Striving to ignore the curious, concerned glances, Jack fixed his gaze to the center of the table. �Sorry I�m late.�
�Understandable, Colonel.�
Is it?
He suppressed the question beneath the flipping of pages as he opened his folder. �I assume you were waiting for me?�
�We were, yes.� General Hammond confirmed softly.
Jack nodded and glanced at Sam with a frown. �Where�s Jacob?�
�Selmak took care of his injuries and he was recalled by the Tok�ra High Council,� she answered.
He heard the sadness in her soft tones and felt a flush of sympathy. �He�s okay?�
�Yes.�
�Jonas?�
General Hammond sat forward and laced his stubby fingers on the tabletop. �Dr. Frasier says he had a rough night. Physically, he�s doing much better, mentally�� he shook his head, glancing at Jack before adding, �I�m afraid it will be touch and go for a while yet.�
The older man stopped short of suggesting he go see the Kelownan. Whether out of respect or pity Jack could not be sure. He repressed a sigh of gratitude and replied with a noncommittal nod before dropping his eyes to the file.
The mission report spilled from his lips in a monotone, broken only occasionally by a quiet comment from Sam or Teal�c. Daniel remained silent, as if sensing the ragged hold he had on his emotions and not wanting to risk bursting the dam with his voice. Jack appreciated his withholding. He didn�t dare look at the younger man. Afraid of what might come out of his mouth in the form of unneeded, and ultimately hurtful, embellishment of their already sordid adventure. His monologue reached the firefight outside of Teal�c�s cell and he stumbled into silence. Images of the deadly encounter filled his mind and tore the breath from his lungs. He swallowed hard, angry that he could not relate the simple facts of the situation without faltering beneath the emotional details.
�Take your time, Colonel,� Hammond murmured kindly.
�Sir?�
Take my time?
Since when?
Since now�
�I can�t do this,� he whispered thickly.
�Perhaps we should take a break for now,� the General suggested.
�No, Sir�I can�t do this�anymore,� Jack lurched to his feet. His gaze flitted frantically from face to face finally coming to rest on Sam�s pale features. �Not anymore,� he repeated desperately, and he fled into the corridor without a backwards glance.
The hasty trip through the crowded hallways was a blur of faces and distant tin-like voices. They chased him into the relatively safety of his office and seemed to claw at the thin steel door. Tearing at his troubled thoughts, wailing and shrieking above the roaring his ears and the jittery pounding of his heart.
Is this what it�s like to go nuts?
How does it feel to watch your soul shatter beneath the weight of your particular hell?
How much is finally too much?
Jack leaned on the door and softly rapped his clenched fist against the cold metal.
Was this what McKenzie meant? Have I finally reached the end of my proverbial rope?
He clutched at the thread of sanity. The future felt like a precipice jutting over a maelstrom of swirling, conflicting emotions. Rife with anger for the things he had done and not done, and resentment for the people who had failed him or whom he had failed.
Walk away�.
The thought tantalized his mind, and he gasped in surprise at its simplicity. Run away was probably closer to the mark, he realized. The problems would still be there if he left the SGC, but the immediacy would dissipate.
Will time and distance bring clarity and a badly needed sense of order? What will I leave behind? Who?
The door beneath his sweaty hands shuddered, the sharp rap of knuckles on metal bringing reality back with an nauseating rush.
Leave me alone�
He willed the interloper to hear his silent plea, and groaned aloud when the knock came a second time.
Go away�
�Sir?�
Son of a bitch�
�What, Carter?� he whispered hoarsely.
She could not have heard his faint reply, but she answered anyway. �Can I come in?�
Was that pity, or concern tingeing her hesitant question?
Does it matter?
No�
Swallowing a hitching sigh, he went against his better judgment and stepped away from the door. �It�s open.� The handle turned as he settled into his chair and laced his fingers behind his head.
She stepped into the room and closed the door with a soft click. Bright blue eyes traveled the length of his tired body, coming to rest in the middle of his chest. �I came to see if you were okay.�
�Does it matter?�
Nice�
He schooled his features into an impassive mask, ignoring her sharp gasp. �What do you want from me?�
�Want?� Sam took a step forward, her tone mystified. �I don�t want anything, I was concerned��
�Oh really?� he forged on, hurt giving his voice a sharpness that made her flinch. �Where was your concern a week ago? When I asked you,� he swallowed audibly, �to stay��
�I��
�Pretty selective, aren�t we?� he bit out.
�That�s a cheap shot,� she retorted.
�Too bad, it�s true��
�This isn�t about just you! How can you��
�How can I?� he shook his head and sat forward. Her gaze skittered away from his probing stare, flitting from the floor to the ceiling and then the walls. He did not relent, forcing her to meet his eyes. �How can I?� he repeated icily. �I�m afraid I�m a bit low on choices at the moment. A better question is how can I not?�
�I don�t understand.� Her eyes dropped to her nervous fingers, turning and folding the hem of her shirt.
I don�t either�
Jack licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair. �Just go away�please.�
Her mouth opened and closed fish-like at his rejection. Emotions gathered like storm clouds, bringing a terrifying sheen to her eyes. �I was��
�You were, and now you�re not.� He watched her wilt beneath his harsh tone and he winced in sympathy. Faintly awed that he could feel anything at all. Her actions on the ships belied his implication, but it was too much effort to try and fathom their relationship, or lack thereof. The entire exercise was pointless if she could not look beyond her own fears.
I can�t�I want to�but I can�t�
Need was not enough to live on, not anymore. What she offered, what she allowed: a touch, a murmur, a fleeting caress, could not assuage the barely harnessed rage and pain that dwelled like a coiled serpent in his heart. Waiting for the vulnerability of dream to strike. The Box, Alar�s death, Baal, The Cell, a cacophony of sounds and images built in layers so deep that he was lost beneath their oppressive weight. Sam and all that she brought with her was just another layer. He could drown in the waves of unshed tears. Buried by past pain and future guilt.
No more�
Continued in Part Sixteen Good-bye and Hello
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