PART NINE "Conversations"
Jack opened his eyes to the cream and muted pastel tones of Sam�s couch. The pattern tinted slightly orange by the stray beams of sunlight filtering beneath the drawn blinds.
What?
How?
He swallowed and brought a hand to his face as memory returned.
*There was no friend like an old friend*, never had the aged clich� been truer then in the wake of Karen�s visit to his office. The tall brunette had always been able to reach him in a way no other woman had. Sara had been jealous of their friendship from the beginning. Inviting Karen to their wedding had been just the first in a long series of mistakes he would make over the course of their marriage.
Karen�s words had struck a nerve. He was letting P2Z-421 get away from him. Despite all of his efforts to stay focused on the tasks at hand and detached from the horrors, he was failing. He couldn�t tell her that one of the prime reasons for going back was that he owed it to Jonas. The younger man had been the second person he recognized during their harrowing escape through the Gate. In spite of their stilted relationship, the Kelownan had reached out to him. Comforted him with voice and touch. Doing instinctively what Jack had often failed to do, especially in the last few years. He needed to be there to return the favor. Friends did that for friends, and Jonas had earned that distinction. Repeatedly risking his neck for the SGC, following his orders even when he didn�t agree, because Jonas respected him too much not to obey.
Jack rolled to a sitting position with a groan, and rested his head in his hands.
There was more and Karen had known that by the feel of the silence that fell between them. Her power of observation could not be faulted, he wasn�t happy. He hadn�t allowed himself to truly consider that fact, until she pointed it out. Baring the obvious before his fractured mind�s eye had frightened him in a much more tangible fashion than Osiris or hordes of Pellan soldiers could. There was no letting go of the experiences on the planet, he had to return and confront the demons.
What happens when, if, I make it back?
Already things were different, he mused, as he looked around the small, cozy room.
Nearly an hour of staring at mission debriefings had earned him a splitting headache for his troubles. Edgy and irritated, he finally ventured from his office in search of fresh coffee and an aspirin. The urgency that plagued him was purely the manufacturing of a restless mind, there was nothing to do but wait. Hammond was enmeshed in political maneuverings concerning Kinsey, and no plans for a rescue attempt could go forward until Jacob answered their request for Tok�ra assistance. It could be hours, but would most likely be a day or even two. He had made a conscious choice to avoid Janet until they knew more. Her needles and questions would fall like a barrage of fire ants as soon as he showed his face in the Infirmary, hardly something to look forward to. He tried to look on the bright side of the situation. The delay gave his worn body more time to heal. Unfortunately, it also gave Osiris and the Pellans ample opportunity to break Jonas. The latter thoughts were his undoing and Jack had changed tracks mid stride, suddenly nauseated by the thought of coffee.
The door to Sam�s lab was closed when he arrived. After trying the handle with no success, he leaned tiredly against the wall, considering his options. Staying on base was tossed out immediately. He had spent far too much time cooped up indoors, Sam�s and his mountain meanderings not withstanding, he recalled wistfully. The choice to visit with either Daniel or Teal�c quickly followed suit. The Jaffa was clearly pleased to see him recovering, but at a loss to really understand what was going on. Jack knew he had retired for the night, absorbed in deep meditation as he prepared for their upcoming task. It wouldn�t be fair to disturb Teal�c simply because he was lonely, or worried�. Daniel would see the latter emotion, and pounce on it, aggressive in his attempts to get Jack to open up and work through his tangled thoughts. The younger man meant well, but Jack wasn�t in the mood. Emotions were already running too high and hot for him to touch. He refused to lay his inner turmoil on Daniel�s shoulders, they younger man had enough to worry about already.
Jack pushed off from the wall and wandered aimlessly down the hall, toying with the idea of getting someone to take him home. Driving was out of the question until Janet cleared him. He was halfway to the elevator when Sam rounded the corner.
They stared at one another for a moment, caught off guard. Lips slightly parted, breath coming in short startled gasps, each of them groping for words that wouldn�t sound harsh, or resentful, or pitying. He was the first to break, offering her a tentative smile in place of the words lying frozen on his tongue. She frowned, shadows chasing through her dark eyes, as they drifted across his face and settled on the floor. Thoughts unspoken filled the thick air between them. His pulse thudded dully in his ears, as he closed the gap with hesitant steps. She reached for the up button to call the elevator, fishing her ID from her pocket with a bone white hand. Hoping he wasn�t making a monumental mistake, he took her silence as permission, and followed her into the car. Her eyes remained fixated on a space halfway up the wall as they rode towards sub Level 11, neither inviting nor rejecting his presence.
There were words. Tumbling through his mind, clogging his throat with their urgency, until he had to cough to breathe.
I�m sorry, Sam! What happened with Kanan wasn�t your fault! I didn�t mean it the way it came out during the planning meeting! Christ, why is this so damn hard!
Expectant silence enveloped them, like an invisible fog, as they exited the car and approached the OD.
The Officer looked at each of them in turn before swiveling the clipboard for their signatures. Jack ignored the unspoken question in the older man�s blue eyes, and signed his name right below Sam�s. They moved on to the second bank of elevators. Shuffling to the back of the car as people entered and exited amid a swirl of disconcertingly cheerful conversation, given the hour.
The lobby was nearly empty when they arrived. Sam pulled out her car keys and walked rapidly across the carpeted space without looking back. The crisp night air rushed in as she held the door for him. Stars pricked the sky, nearly lost in the wash of lights from the parking lot. He stopped just beyond the glass doors and glanced at his truck. Dusty from disuse, someone had moved it to the back of the lot, where it sat looking as worn and lost as he felt. Shaking his head, Jack turned to discover Sam was sitting in her car. She had started the engine and puffs of pale blue smoke drifted from the tailpipe as she waited for it to idle down.
Or maybe she�s waiting for me?
The thought was absurd and he fought the comforting wash of hope that threatened to overwhelm him. He wanted her to wait, needed her to understand, but�
She backed from her space and his heart plummeted. She was leaving. Jack dropped his eyes to the asphalt, cursing long and low beneath his breath. The rumble of the approaching car engine and the heated rush of air drew his attention. She pulled up beside him and pushed open the door with a flip of her wrist. He caught it before it jarred against his knee, and bent to peer into the cabin.
Are you sure?
A mute plea for understanding, an unspoken desire for companionship to push back the darkness, which hovered only a breath away.
She nodded and he slid into the seat.
Jack cleared his throat and lurched unsteadily to his feet. Buckling his belt, he crossed to the blinds and pulled them open. They clattered sharply in the silence, pricking gooseflesh along his bare arms and back. He stared down at the trawling cars on the street below. Through the glass the subdued rumble of the awakening city reached him; horns blared, people shouted, sirens wailed in the distance�
They didn�t speak as they rode down the mountain. She reached over and flipped on the radio, filling the car with the subdued strains of a forgotten sonata. Strings accompanied by the plaintive cry of horns swelled and burst over them, cleansing the silence of tension. He relaxed against the seat and closed his eyes. The car rocked and swayed gently, as she negotiated the turns and twists of the mountain road. When they straightened onto the main drag, he glanced at her.
Her face was lit from beneath by the glow of the dash lights. Expression unreadable. Eyes fixated on the road, her lips twitching occasionally as random emotions slid across her features. Her skin an unnatural red with shades of green coloring her small chin. His hands flinched in his lap and he entwined the fingers, resisting the urge to stroke her cheek. He would not touch, would not reach out. Being in her car going he knew not where, was more than he expected and all he could have hoped for.
She sensed his furtive gaze and her mouth lifted in a faint smile, though she did not look his way. Streetlights flashed intermittently as they entered the city limits and navigated their way to the parking lot beneath her building. Once parked, she gathered him in with a quick glance, before crossing the dimly lit lot to the elevator bank.
Her apartment was the same as he had left it less than 24 hours before. He drifted to the couch and she disappeared into her bedroom, closing the door without a word�
Jack licked his lips and ran a hand through his tousled hair.
What am I doing?
The utter absurdity of the situation struck him, forcing a harsh chuckle from his dry throat. There was no great mystery here, as much as his fuzzy brain insisted there should be. He needed her and somehow she had known it. What were words really? Sounds? Puffs of wind? Which meant little when the darkness of fear and guilt descended. He couldn�t suppress the feeling that there had to be more.
Sam, are you trying to atone for something that wasn�t your fault? If so, you need to stop, I need to tell you to stop�
The jarring ring of the phone cut through his thoughts. Jack resisted the automatic urge to answer, not surprised when it ceased after the third ring. He could hear Sam�s voice, muffled by the closed door, phrases clipped and professional despite the early hour. The conversation ended, and she emerged from the room moments later. Sheathed in a cream colored silk robe, she stood in the hallway, her eyes roving the length of his half naked body. He shivered at the visual caress, returning the gesture with a wandering glance over her soft curves, faintly outlined by the clinging material. Flushing slightly at his reaction, Sam indicated the bedroom with a tilt of her head and a small sigh. �General Hammond has recalled us to the base.�
�Us?� he queried softly, wondering at her choice of phrase.
�He asked me if I knew where you were. I said you had gone home and I would call and bring you in with me.�
�I see.� He didn�t really, any more than she did judging by the hesitancy in her stride as she walked down the hallway into the living room.
Sinking onto the couch, she folded her hands in her lap. �So��
Here we are�He grimaced at the words that came too easily to mind. The whole scene was gradually evolving into some surreal parody of domesticity. It wasn�t them, and he refused to let his confusion tie his tongue anymore than was normal. �Thank you,� he murmured quietly.
Do you understand what you did, Sam? Do you ever?
�You�re welcome.�
�Nice cover by the way.�
She smiled tightly in response. �You want coffee?�
�No.�
�Okay, give me a minute to shower and then we�ll swing by your place.� Sam looked over his bare chest, a mischievous glint in her eyes as she rose to her feet. �I think you�re out of uniform.�
�Colonel, have a seat.� Hammond gestured to a chair as Jack entered his cramped office. �Feeling better this morning?�
�Yes, Sir,� he answered carefully.
�Good. Dr. McKenzie would like to see you after we�re finished.�
�Sir?� The hair on Jack�s neck prickled painfully against his shirt collar. �Why?�
Hammond frowned, �I think you know why, Jack.�
�Yeah, I guess I do, � he admitted.
�Doctor Fraiser has been asking about you this morning. I think she was a bit surprised that you went home last night, again�� The General shifted in his seat, blue eyes wandering across the crowded desk before rising to Jack�s face. �Is there something you want to tell me, Colonel?�
�No, Sir.� Jack licked his lips, forcing himself to meet the older man�s eyes. I don�t want to tell you I slept with my 21C within these walls and outside in the fresh mountain air. I won�t admit I spent the last two nights on her couch and woke up feeling distinctly misplaced, but still more at peace than I have been in years. I can�t tell you how hard this is, or how its going to end... �No, Sir,� he repeated.
Hammond rubbed thoughtfully at his chin, holding Jack�s gaze for a long moment before looking away.
You aren�t buying it, are you? �Have you heard from the Tok�ra?� he ventured hopefully.
The General nodded brusquely, accepting the change of topic much to his relief. �I have. The Tok�ra High Council is reluctant to get involved, seems their situation is a bit more desperate than we were lead to believe.�
Their situation, Jack stifled the urge to snap out a sarcastic retort.
�However,� Hammond continued. �Jacob spoke out on our behalf and with Selmak�s assistance, was able to convince them that the Tok�ra really had no choice. We can�t let Osiris retain control of the Pellan homeworld.�
�I see,� Jack sat back in his chair and ran a weary hand through his tousled hair. The situation was all about the Naquadria and its strategic importance, which was correct, insofar as it went�He bit his lip in silent frustration. Never mind that Jonas Quinn is rotting in some slime coated cell somewhere. A member of the team that discovered, and tried to rescue your Queen, he thought acidly. Forgetting the fact that one of your own brethren put me through several lifetimes of waking nightmare, simply because he was a narrow minded coward who couldn�t rescue his lover when he had the chance. Just so long as at least your little corner of the universe is safe from the next super weapon� Bitter oaths flitted on the tip of his tongue and he swallowed hard, tasting bile.
�Colonel?�
�Huh?�
�Thoughts?� the older man prompted gently. �I know the Tok�ra are a sore subject with you and for good reason��
�Is Jacob on his way?� Jack interrupted, striving to ignore his mounting ire. There was no point in trying to address his issues with the Tok�ra, at least not at the present. He grimaced inwardly, knowing McKenzie would pick up on his disheveled state and try to draw him out.
Hammond nodded, shifting his attention to a post-it note on the desk blotter. �He should be arriving sometime tomorrow morning��
�Another day.�
�Yes, I�m afraid so.�
�Jonas will be there for at least a week by the time we can get to him�� Jack shook his head and rose to pace the small office. �It�s too long.�
�We don�t have a choice here, Colonel. You know the situation.�
�It�s too damn long!� he insisted sharply.
Hammond flinched, taken aback by the intensity of his words. �Jack��
�What!� he stopped with his back to the older man. Shivers coursed up his sweaty spine and tingled his fingers. �I�m sorry,� he managed hoarsely. �It�s just�he shouldn�t have to wait that long.�
�You�re concerned about the SGC? About what Jonas may tell Osiris? About what she will do to him to get that information��
Jack laced his fingers behind his head and nodded grimly. �He hasn�t been trained to deal with this kind of situation��
�No��
He cringed at Hammond�s unspoken observation. �If she leaves him in their hands�� A hitching sigh escaped his lips as he turned around.
�I know.�
�What about Kinsey?� Jack took a deep, steadying breath, willing his heart to slow its painful hammering. Discussing the President and his political machinations was a sure fire way to take his mind off of Jonas� predicament, though it would do nothing to ease the tension headache that was beginning to throb behind his eyes.
The General sighed, his bright blue eyes wandering from Jack�s restless form to the top of the desk. �I promised you a front row seat to this confrontation. I�m not sure I can deliver that, and I hope you understand why.�
�Politics,� Jack grated resentfully as he settled heavily into his chair.
�Yes, I guess that�s the word for it.�
�What happened?�
Hammond cleared his throat and brought his gaze back up to rest lightly on Jack�s pale face. �The Vice President has informed me that the Secretary of Defense is outraged that the President would choose to pursue diplomatic relations with a culture that showed such low regard for a high-ranking military officer, namely you. Of even greater concern is that such negotiations were conducted without his knowledge or consent, and with a degree of ignorance bordering on the criminal.�
�Atkins didn�t know?� Jack closed his gaping jaw with a snap. �What about Thayer? Or the Treasury?�
�It�s unclear who knew what at this point, the channels of communication are muddied to say the least�.�
�The man thinks planting his ass in the oval office gives him carte blanche to circumvent the Secretary of Defense? Ignore what experience has taught us over the last 7 years? Throw the security of this entire planet into jeopardy?� Jack threw his hands in the air, casting a weary eye to the ceiling. �The man�s arrogance�.�
�Is unfathomable, I know,� Hammond finished quietly
Jack shook his head. �So, what happens now?�
�I�m waiting to hear from the Vice President. I would expect an emergency cabinet meeting will be called to discuss this situation.�
�Does Kinsey know?�
�He will, if the Vice President feels he has enough support to go forward.�
The hallway outside McKenzie�s office was empty. Jack paused by the door and leaned heavily against the wall, wiping the sweat from his brow with chilly fingers. The threatened headache had erupted into a full-blown monster that painted the world a dull orange with each beat of his pulse. During the long elevator ride from Hammond�s office to Level 12, he considered pleading illness or exhaustion, both of which weren�t far from the truth. The idea evaporated in the light of common sense, and what passed for clear thinking, as he stepped from the car. He needed to deal with and dismiss the good doctor�s concerns, no matter what his level of physical, or emotional discomfort. If his head exploded, then at least no one else could stab him with a needle or ask him another question he could not answer.
Shaking his head at the useless nature of his mental meanderings, Jack pushed off the wall and entered the brightly lit office with a fake smile plastered across his ashen features.
It was pointless to go into the psychiatrist�s office with an agenda. Robert McKenzie was far too patient and intelligent of a man to be fooled by his feeble deceptions. Never mind that feigning mental stability required more energy than he had to spare at the moment. Massaging his throbbing temples with absent fingers, Jack approached the desk. �Is he in?�
�Sir?� Startled, the young woman looked up and offered him an awkward smile. �Oh yes, Doctor McKenzie is waiting for you.�
�Thanks.� He knocked sharply on the closed door and entered without waiting for a reply.
McKenzie sat back in his leather chair and eyed him critically as Jack closed the door and folded his arms. �Colonel, how are you this morning?�
�I�ve got a splitting headache, Doc. Let�s just get right to the heart of things, shall we?�
�Sit down,� The Doctor, indicated the chair with a tilt of his chin. Rummaging in a drawer, he produced a small bottle of pills and pushed it across the desk blotter. �Ibuprofin.�
Jack took the proffered medication, a vague feeling of unease settling into the pit of him stomach as he drew a paper cup full of water from the cooler in the corner.
�You�re going back, aren�t you, Colonel?�
He slumped into his seat, water sloshing over his wrist and onto his knee. McKenzie�s bald statement was meant to catch him off guard. Jack cursed mutely, disgusted that the situation was already out of his control. With a resigned sigh, he finished the water and placed the cup on the corner of the desk. �Yes.�
�Are you ready?�
�What do you think?� Jack erupted hotly, hating the fact that pain and anxiety controlled his reaction. �That�s why I�m here isn�t it, you already know what my intentions are��
�Are you ready?� the doctor repeated softly.
Damn you for being so unflappable and damn myself for letting you succeed! Jack thought bitterly. His eyes roamed restlessly over the cream colored wall at McKenzie�s back, until they stumbled into the seascape. Colors that should have soothed drew him back towards the cell. He fought the vision, flinching at the sounds and sights that assailed his subconscious. The scream of the gulls, wild and frantic like his desperate cries. Waves, churning and pounding, like the throb of his pulse in the suffocating darkness. The tantalizing gleam of sunlight as it chased across the filthy floor and up the wall, painting the squalor in deceptively cheery tones of orange and gold.
Am I ready?
No.
He swallowed the word. �As I�ll ever be.�
�Colonel, I�ve been at this a long time,� McKenzie reminded him gently.
�Meaning?�
�Where were you just now?�
�Here,� he replied too quickly.
The doctor frowned at his feigned ignorance. �Where?�
It�s none of your concern! There aren�t any choices here, it has to be me! I couldn�t live with myself if Jonas dies in that hole! It�s my fault! I can�t accept that Sergeant Gray did die because I couldn�t remember in time! Don�t you see! Kinsey cannot lead us down the garden path to destruction! He has to be stopped! It�s my fault that things got so far out of hand�!
Words and phrases shot fire through his aching skull, slamming against his clenched teeth. Jack forced himself to remain seated, fighting the urge to flee with every fiber in his trembling body.
�Where?� McKenzie persisted, oblivious to the emotional firestorm that engulfed him.
�Back there!� he spat harshly. �Are you satisfied? Is that what you wanted to hear?�
�It�s not a question of satisfaction, Colonel. It is a question of acceptance. The cell is in your mind, it has a place there that cannot be denied, or erased. You were there, just now��
�Yes, dammit! What do you want from me?� he hissed, fingers ghostly pale where they clenched the arms of the chair.
�You�re going back. Can you separate reality from terror?�
�You think I�ve lost my mind?� Jack muttered, �Don�t you?�
�No, Colonel.� The doctor shook his head. �I think you are emotionally unstable, because you won�t let yourself examine what has happened to you.�
�Examine it? Jesus, I�ve done nothing but think for weeks��
�About?�
�Everything!� Jack leaned forward, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on his wobbly knees. �It�s always there,� he mumbled into his chest. He could hear the creak of the psychiatrist�s chair as he shifted, and the scratch of the felt tip on the yellow pad beneath the man�s elbow.
�It is over for you, Colonel. Denying what happened will only prolong the nightmare.�
�I know that,� he grated. Why are you telling me the obvious? He rocked his head from side to side, pressing his palms against his throbbing eyeballs.
�Do you?�
The surprise in the doctor�s normally placid tones drew Jack�s attention. He straightened and reached for the discarded cup, twirling it between his long fingers as McKenzie continued.
�Can you accept that the experience has changed you?
�Do I have a choice?� he whispered.
A flicker of frustration registered in the doctor�s dark eyes. Jack couldn�t help a petty flush of satisfaction that he had irritated the other man.
Aware of his momentary lapse, McKenzie confronted him. Holding his gaze with surprising force, he continued. �Until you acknowledge those changes you will be trapped. Drawn by the power of the experience, held by the guilt of things you cannot change.�
�I don�t want to go back there in any way, shape, or form,� Jack murmured resignedly. �But I don�t have a choice.�
�Yes, Colonel, you do. What happened in that cell, with Baal, in Iraq�these events will always be with you. However, they don�t need to control your life. Experiences, good and bad, help define who we are. But you have free will. You can and should take comfort from the fact that you have survived. Moving on is an option for you��
�What if I can�t?� or don�t want to, he added silently.
McKenzie nodded thoughtfully and Jack wondered how much of his confusion was registering on his face when the doctor replied. �It�s something you need to consider, Colonel. Only you can know how much is too much to take.�
�That�s not much of an answer,� he protested.
�A psychiatrist doesn�t read minds,� McKenzie pointed out with a faint, indulgent smile. �You should know that after all this time.�
Jack nodded and leaned back in his seat. His mouth and throat were dry with speaking and stress. Coughing reflexively, he dropped his gaze to his folded hands. �I need to be there...�
�I know that, Colonel. My only concern is whether you are psychologically fit enough to confront the cell, and the beings that held you.� McKenzie shook his head and tossed the pen onto the desk. There was doubt in his eyes. and for the first time Jack saw a human being behind the placid fa�ade. �Colonel, no one has ever been put through the kinds of tests you have in the last two years. We could never simulate that kind of environment with any semblance of accuracy. Your recovery has had to be largely dependent on your own abilities to withstand the unknowable. However, the fact remains that you have made certain choices, and continue to do so based on experience. Just as any soldier, any man would, placed in a similar situation. Trust yourself, trust your team. Don�t act from a place of anger or out of a sense of guilt, it will only hinder you in innumerable ways. Accept what you cannot change and in the end, make the decision that is best for you.�
Jack walked into the commissary intending to hide in his cherished corner. Somehow it had become his alone over the last few weeks, conspicuously empty whenever he entered the room.
Today was the exception.
He bit back a resigned sigh when he spied Daniel sitting in his customary seat. Teal�c sat across him, a tray heaped high with fruit filling the space between them. Jack paused by the coffee urns, considering the option of returning to his office before they could spot him.
The meeting with McKenzie had been exhausting. The good doctor had given him more than enough to consider with his quiet words and demeanor. Dismissing him with the assurance that there would be additional sessions, no matter what the outcome of the rescue mission. A daunting prospect when he was feeling strong, downright debilitating in his current emotional state.
Jack cast a weary eye in the direction of his teammates. They were engaged in quiet conversation. Daniel�s hands gesturing gracefully as he emphasized the point he was trying to make. Teal�c nodding sagely and commenting in between bites. His deep baritone carried easily across the crowded room, the tone clear, the words muffled by distance.
They don�t know I�m here.
Jack studied the trays of sandwiches, feeling vaguely selfish. Slipping away unnoticed was suddenly very unappealing.
How long am I going to hide?
It had never been in his nature to hide from confrontation. He had told Teal�c a long time ago that he preferred battle to conversation, action as opposed to endless words. Dealing with the good intentions of his friends was just a different kind of battle, he resolved as he grabbed a tuna sandwich. Pushing the lingering doubts to the back of his mind, Jack crossed the room. Engrossed in his monologue, Daniel did not hear him coming. Jack smirked, catching the knowing glint in Teal�c�s eye as he nudged Daniel�s chair sideways.
He was rewarded with a satisfying yelp of surprise, as the younger man spun in his seat. �Geez!�
�Hi,� he greeted with a soft chuckle. �Boring the pants off of Teal�c I see.�
�You�re obviously feeling better,� Daniel sulked, dropping his hands into his lap with a dull slap. �Where have you been?�
�Having a chat with the good doctor on Level 12,� he supplied around a mouthful of tuna.
Daniel grinned. �Remember the last time you were talking with your mouth full��
Jack swallowed hard, throwing a worried glance over his shoulder. �Speaking of��
�We have not seen, MajorCarter,� Teal�c informed him, as he reached for a handful of grapes.
�Uh huh. General Hammond called us both in this morning��
�Yes, where were you last night? I called your house.�
�Why?� Jack asked suspiciously, the last bite of tuna was suddenly too dry to swallow.
�Just to see if you were okay, the debrief was rough yesterday.� Daniel dropped his eyes to the table, feigning interest in the half eaten salad that sat before him.
�I should be asking you about yesterday,� Jack said quietly. An almost tangible shroud of apprehension descended over the table, filled only with the muffled grinding of Teal�c�s teeth as he chewed his fruit.
�I�m� confused,� Daniel admitted candidly. �I don�t know if I should be angry, or scared or guilty...not a nice state to be in.� He looked up, catching and holding Jack�s gaze. �But then�you would know all about confusion��
Jack shrugged, uncomfortable with his friend�s observation, despite its accuracy.
�What is Doctor McKenzie�s assessment, O�Neill?� Teal�c asked, a concerned expression clouding his dark eyes.
�That I�m not ready for this, but I need to go anyway,� he replied ruefully.
The Jaffa blinked, considering his statement as he peeled an orange. �This is not reassuring, O�Neill.�
�Yeah, I know.�
�Are you up for this, physically I mean?� Daniel interjected, shoving his plate aside as he swiveled in his seat.
�Are you?� Jack challenged defensively. The younger man flinched and he bit his lip. �You�re going aren�t you?� he argued, softening his tone to lessen the sting of his words.
�I have to, it might be the last chance we have to save Sarah,� Daniel replied almost inaudibly. �I can�t let that opportunity slip by��
Jack drained his coffee and set the mug down with a heavy thump. �I have no choice either.�
�O�Neill, you do not owe a debt, though you perceive it as such.�
He sat back in his seat, momentarily stunned at the Jaffa�s blunt observation. �Teal�c��
The larger man folded his hands on the table, his dark eyes locking with Jack�s in a powerful silent plea. �I would point out that your injuries prevented you from revealing Osiris� presence on the Pellan homeworld. There is no dishonor here. The experiences in the tower separated you from your rational mind, much as bark from a tree. This was not your fault and you could not prevent it. You owe nothing.�
Silence followed his pronouncement, untouched by the background chatter of the busy room. Jack swallowed the denial that fought to pass his dry lips. There was truth in Teal�c�s words, a balm for his fractured psyche and raw nerves. He reached for it, saw the weight of it in the Jaffa�s dark eyes and somber visage. Depths unfathomable met his fretful gaze, and Teal�c bowed slightly in mute acceptance of the gratitude he could not speak.
The moment gradually released its hold, drifting away like ash on the wind. Daniel cleared his throat, drawing them all into the present. �Have you been to see Janet yet?� he asked softly.
Jack blinked, dropping his eyes to his empty plate. �No, I was waiting�� His gaze shifted to the crutch propped in the corner. �You?�
�No.�
�Chicken,� he accused with a smirk.
Daniel snorted and pushed back his chair. �Hardly. No sense rushing the inevitable.�
�You are leaving, DanielJackson?�
�Yeah. I think I�ll go home for a while. All this waiting, it�s driving me up the wall. I need to get out of here.� He fidgeted, drumming nervous fingers on the edge of his tray. �You�re welcome to join me, both of you.� A slow grin spread across his pale features as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. �Unless you have other plans,� he teased with a pointed glance in Jack�s direction.
Nonplussed, Jack schooled his features into a mask of innocence. �Are we trying to say something, Daniel?�
�Who me?� The younger man shrugged as he reached for his crutch. �Teal�c, you coming?�
The Jaffa nodded, patting the fruit juice from his plate with two thick fingers. �I am, DanielJackson.� He stood, deep-set eyes sliding over Jack�s seated form. �O�Neill?�
�No thanks,� he replied.
Daniel smiled softly and nodded, as he gathered his refuse. �Take care, we�ll see you later.�
Jack shifted in his chair, watching the departing figures beneath half closed eyelids. Gentle words hung in the still air, filling him with a sense of peace and camaraderie, sorely lacking over the last few weeks. They had seen what was really going on, his distress apparent in spite of the walls he had tried to build. He turned away and closed his eyes, swallowing the growing lump in his throat.
Continued in Part TEN Confrontations
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