The Trouble with Tarty Doris

Of all the women large and small
there's one the blokes do fear
her name is Tarty Doris and
men know her far and near
She has a wicked overbite
which make her lovers yelp
she's a wound waiting to happen
and her dentist cannot help
Though she has a large inheritance
you still can plainly see
that no amount of dough can pay
for that orthodontistry
So she chose to join a nunnery
and to the Lord be wed
but her story ended sadly, for
no habit fit her head



The Virtuous Tale of Chuckie Pung

There was a boy named Chuckie Pung
he had a puffy 'fro
and in his pocket, he kept elves
who had nowhere to go
One day an elven faction formed
and here is what they said:
"This Chuckie Pung is a big dumb freak"
let's pulverize his head
but some got wedged in his brillo hair;
they starved and wound up dead
Henceforth, the karmic law of elves,
will keep one's motives clean
(but if you mousse the dead ones in
they'll give your do a sheen)

The Plight of Stu

Stu wears a heinie helmet
every time that he stoops down
for if he doesn't, he will bruise
his ass upon the ground

Bob and Rob

Bob and Rob were conjoined twins
they both saw eye to eye;
for they were joined at the corneas
and made each other cry



Kevin, the Transvestite Pirate

He was just a comely pirate
who attended a soiree
he then became a drag queen
and he donned a negligee
he bought himself a tiara
and played Abba every morn
'til his mean judgmental mother
took his favorite wig and porn
so he poked her with his plastic sword--
she walked the plank that day--
then he played a bunch of Yanni
and he waltzed in her toupe


Nosehair Man

He has some fluffy nostrils
he combs them when he can
he's stared at everywhere he goes
he's known as Nosehair Man
The only consolation is
that both his eyebrows match
but one time he flicked his lighter and
singed off a good-sized patch