Okay, I signed up for Match.com because sometimes I'm bored and need entertainment. So I've been getting some emails from guys who would like to impress upon me how funny they are. "Much much humor here" and "I think you would be attractive to me because I am so funny." Yeah, I'd be a hell of a lot more attracted to you if you learned how to form a sentence properly. Does no one proof read anymore? Seriously, if you were actually funny, you wouldn't have to tell me so---it would just exude naturally from your pores. The minute you tell me how funny you are, I hit the snooze button and go back to fucking sleep. You're not funny. Stop emailing me.
You know, while I'm at it, I think I'll give the guys some tips on how not to date on the Internet.
First, if your name has anything to do with a mythical half-man, half-beast creature, don't bother paying the user fee for the online dating site. No woman will find the fucking Minotaur attractive. Or Pan. Just forget it and move on to a mail-order bride.
Second, don't ask a total fucking stranger the most retarded question you can think of. Save that for after you lure them in, Casanova. I had a guy ask, "Are you a cheesecake or a pie person?" What is this, Scattergories? Are you trying to be cute by asking that? Because you look like an asshole. Or, as my buddy T-Bag says, "You're an ass-hat." At least, I think that's what he says.
Third and final hint is to use your spell check, genius. I'm about done with the constant misspellings of simple words, such as "iceburg", "theather", and "tank you." Let me give you an example of what it's like:
So Im goeing out to dinner tonite and than I planning on hedding out to the moovies. I'am will see a flik about a broad who kills guys for fun. It will kick such seiroious ass! Show up if you wont too. Tanks!
So, was that sexy or what? Who wants to bang me? Line 'em up.
You know, Frank said that I should be paying these people for the comic relief that I'm getting. I honestly don't know what I would do with myself at work if I didn't have these jackasses to keep me company. "Emotionally illiterate femaile seaks boy to give her much much humor here." That ought to bring them in, huh? Sounding like a Thai hooker is a Match.com favorite!
