By Amanda
Washed out blue skies, the sun is shining, and poor Ryan stares at the two women who are vying for his love. Their eyes demand one thing from him: make a choice, you dipshit. So, instead of hashing out his feelings for both Theresa and Marissa, he tells them that whoever can give him the best head will win his heart. Not surprisingly Theresa wins, having been practicing this particular bargaining tool since she was 13 years old and working to convince her mom's boyfriend to let her out of his car. With their love connection sealed, Ryan pledges himself to Theresa and sends Marissa on a hysterical shopping spree to DKNY.
Next we see Luke outside of Julie Cooper's house. He's horny, he's been watching The Graduate all weekend, and he wants some action. Instead of Julie answering the bell, little Caitlin Cooper opens the door and stares at this beast of a man who's come to claim his prize. Luke glances at her, thinks she may pass for 14, and tells her, "You'll do." As Luke proceeds in his endeavor to defile the entire Cooper clan, Jimmy Cooper walks up and asks when it will be his turn. Luke glares at him and states, "Just hold on, Pops. You'll get your shot when sweeps come around next November. Until then, only MY DAD is gay."
The scene then shifts to the preparations for Caleb's big celebration party. Bottles of vodka wait on the bar, cocaine is piled on leaded crystal serving plates, and the strippers are changing out of their street clothes in the pool house. This will be one "Rivera Man Of The Year" party that Newport Beach won't forget! After everyone arrives and the partying begins, Ryan, Theresa, Seth, and Summer all walk out of the pool house, having worn themselves out with a group orgy. Marissa shows up, drunk as usual, and proclaims to the world that she plans to become a butch lesbian. Of course, because of Marissa's utter lack of personality or presence, no one even notices her tearful speech, and she immediately throws herself into the pool, hoping to drown.
Luke then walks up to Julie, tells her he thinks her ass is totally hot, and they jump into the pool together as well. Luke's body weight lands on top of Marissa, effectively knocking her out and causing her hair to become entangled in the pool drain. Marissa suffers a long, agonizing death while the party continues to grow louder and more insane. Newport Beach P.D. shows up, tells them all to get the hell out, are bribed with hookers and booze, and then end up having a cock fight in the fire pit.
The show ends with Anna showing up at the party and, realizing that Orange County fucking rocks, decides to skip going home to crappy Pittsburgh.
What a kick ass episode!
You're welcome, writers of The OC. Don't make me do this again.
