Okay, so I'm going to try my hand at reviewing a local bar. What makes me qualified to review a bar, you ask? I respond with, "get the fuck off this website for even questioning my qualifications--you obviously don't know me!"
For my first review, I'm taking a look at Fierro's in downtown Fullerton. Located next to some Chinese food place and across from Pukey's, the Fierro's location has changed owners about 5 times (that I'm aware of.) Frank and I hit up the place on Tuesday night, mostly for shits and giggles (although I will admit to being concerned about running into Pat Faggot at Puckey's) and to just have one drink. What we walked into didn't surprise us--a place lit with Christmas lights and red chandelier bulbs, a Time Life Lounge Music CD playing on the sound system, and a bartender who was in the process of reciting the entire script of "Swingers" (which typically would endear someone to me, but he just didn't have the right inflection in his speaking voice.) We ordered our drinks and settled in to an evening of making fun of others.
Interestingly enough, we began to enjoy ourselves. There were quite a few clownshoes guys there, but the one bartender (Daniel, I believe his name was) ended up being pretty cool. We rapped to him for awhile, and then the live music came on. Once again, we were amazed to actually think the singer was pretty good! I especially liked his version of Justin Timberlake's "Senorita." Anyway, we ordered more drinks (actually Frank did most of the drink ordering and consumption--I only had two!) and eventually we were told that Frank and cleaned out the Seagram's Seven. Christ. So we wrapped up the night and agreed that Fierro's has definite potential, if they could just keep us stocked in alcohol. They need to fix the following problems and it will be cool:
1.) The bathrooms smell like something fucking DIED in them. Get some bleach and a mop before the Health Department shows up to start busting heads.
2.) Those of us who choose to talk loudly during the live music shows should be made to feel welcome. I had quite a few dirty looks tossed in my direction, which I promptly laughed off, but I felt like I was fucking rioting and I wasn't even drunk!
3.) You may want to reign in some of your bartenders. I heard one of them spouting off this classic advice to one of his buddies, "You can have sex if your girl's pregnant--just stick it in her ass." Wow! The women of the world rejoice! Seriously, can that guy and bring back that Morrissey-looking motherfucker that once warned us to leave with the following cryptic remark, "get out now while you can. go now." Now that's a loyal employee!
Anyway, Tuesday nights are live music (cool), Wednesday nights are $2 beers and hip hop (cool), and Friday nights are house music (kill everyone involved.) I believe we may show up there one of these Fridays and fucking take over. Then Daniel the bartender will have a REAL Amanda story to tell the kiddies. Grade: B
