First of all, let me introduce you to (CENSORED). (CENSORED) is a field tech for (COMPLETELY FUCKING CENSORED)**. He is about (DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT) years old, has two children from two different mothers, and is currently seeing (CENSORED). I have no information about (CENSORED) because, honestly, it doesn't matter. She's from (AN AREA CODE THAT WON'T BE MENTIONED) and that should be enough. (CENSORED) is a constant source of comedy because he always finds himself in very embarassing situations and, in an effort to play them off, he usually makes things worse and by worse I mean fucking hilarious. Example:: (CENSORED)** recieves a promotion and an email is sent out to all employees to basically congratulate (CENSORED) promo and (CENSORED) replys to the email and simply says "Congratulations (CENSORED)" The email went out to everyone in the company. Now instead of just ducking his head and accepting his embarassing mistake, (CENSORED) sends another email which reads something like "Sorry I'm having trouble with my email. Congratulations (CENSORED)!"** WTF!! I just about shit myself when I read that. Anyway, that is (CENSORED).
So on to the Flyer. The Flyer is for a house warming party for (CENSORED) and his girlfriend of 3 weeks, Jolene. (CENSORED) has just bought a house in (CENSORED) and he wants everyone to share in his joy. So he handed out flyers for the party and he attached to the flyer a map and a wish list. Wah wha whaaat? Yep the motherfucker included a wish list. He handed this list out to everyone at the company! Here are some of the highlight s of the list which, by the way, was split up into different categories for easy reference:
Livingroom/ Bedroom (cause appearantly he just bought a studio house)*
9. Answering Machine
11. Gift Baskets
17. T.V.
30. A fucking Sofa Recliner
Other
9. Insect Spray
First of all, how the hell does (CENSORED) manage to make it in to work every day when he is lugging around the largest, brassiest set of nuts known to man? I mean, a fucking sofa recliner? Since when is it cool to ask a co-worker for fucking furniture? I asked around and, guess what? It aint ever cool. Lets disregard the fucking gift baskets for a second and focus on the TV. I have a fucking 13" TV that I use to play video games and watch movies and porn. Now having said that, why the fuck would I get a fucking guy, who I barely work with, a fucking TV if I won't even buy one for myself???? I asked and the answer was "are you retarded?". So maybe (CENSORED) has fucking done what he seems to do almost habitually: he's stepped over the line between naive and fucking ignorant. But wait there is more to this than just a "clever" attempt at begging for gifts...
This story has some sweet shit going on in the background too. (CENSORED) bought this house with money that was never his; somehow he managed to get his cousin to give him the down payment. And his cousin had the money because he has power of attorney over his mother's finances while Moms is in a monestary. How fucking HOT is that? His mom is getting out pretty soon and I swear I will buy (CENSORED) 3 items off that list if I could only be there to see him try to explain this one. I think it might sound like, "Hey mom, welcome home from the monestary. How was it? Great! Well I've been pretty busy...Umm let's see I broke up with my girl because she was after my...I mean your money. I bought a house with your money so I could live with my new girlfriend who I just met 3 weeks ago. Oh yeah and I've been job hunting like crazy 'cause I'll be laid off in a month. So...here's a flyer for my housewarming and a list of all the things I never got around to buying with your money. I really hope you can make it."
Damn this kid is great! I swear if it wasn't for the (DON'T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH THIS AREA CODE) Southern California would be a pretty dull place. It would smell a whole lot better but it wouldn't be as interesting around here without the fucking tri-county wide Jerry Springer show that is the fucking (AREA CODES THAT MEAN NOTHING). And we would definitely miss out on awesome stories of Athiests turned bible thumpers 'cause their girlfriends get pregnant, then they get married even though their girl was gangbanged by their bestfriend and about 100 other dudes but, it's okay as long as he concentrates on the whole born again thing. Especially now that the baby is so close and all he can pray for is " Please Jesus let this kid be mine!!!"
*recycled joke
** Names have been changed to protect the innocent (us) from being sued by large companies with quality issues.
**** The aliases will be returned after November 1st when, a certain few have more time on their hands.
