So after touring a couple of the local watering holes, I'm sleeping off my drunken debauchery. The boyfriend and I have been knocked out for quite awhile when all of the sudden he jumps out of bed ready to fight, like the fucking Ninja that he is. Anyway, I look at him like he's crazy....until I hear the commotion coming from next door.
Psycho: "You fucking bitch. You fucking cunt. You don't do anything around here. I've supported you for a year now and there's no food in the house and I'm fucking done. I want you out."
The fucking bitch's response: "Auuugghh! Why are you doing this?! (crying) Auuggghhh! Whatever!!"
At this point, my little ninja turtle states that he's going to call the cops. I, on the other hand, don't want the fight to end just yet because I've been trying to figure out what the deal was with this couple for awhile....soon all my questions will be answered. As I'm listening, a nice man carrying a FUCKING CANE (I am not kidding) hobbled up the stairs, knocked on the door, and asked the guy what the fucking problem was. The guy then proceeded to tell the gimpy guy that, unless he wanted to get himself perished, he'd leave the porch immediately. (Actual quote, "I'll fucking kill you man. You wanna get killed? Keep standing there.") Then the door slams, the yelling starts up again, eventually moving towards crashes and screaming. This chick was getting her ass handed to her, so I made the exectutive decision to have America's Silent Warrior call the cops.
One cop shows up about 10 minutes later, but won't come up the stairs to the second floor without backup. So instead of helping out the situation, he waits downstairs, taking notes, listening to the chick fucking screaming and crying. At the point I told ASW that he needs to apply to Costa Mesa P.D., because they obviously had a shortage of testosterone on the force. Anyway, backup arrives and the two of them bang on the door. My psycho neighbor wouldn't answer the knock, probably because they were flushing the drugs down the toilet. Eventually the psycho came out and this is a transcript of what was said:
Cop: Do you have any sort of record that I need to know about?
Psycho: No man, no record, no nothing. I'm a good taxpayer, I pay my bills, I've got good credit.
(Just to give you an idea of what ASW and I are doing right now---he says to me, "Good credit? The cop's not trying to sell fucking real estate." I then try to cover my laughter in a pillow.)
Cop: Look, you're not even married to this girl and you guys are fighting like this. You can't talk that way to a woman. Maybe you should just end it.
Psycho: Man, fuck the OC! Ever since I moved to this place, neighbors call because I play the t.v. too loud, wasting your time and shit. Fuck it, I'm moving back to the South Bay. San Pedro's different, man.
Cop: Why are you still with her then?
Psycho: Man, I don't know. I've supported this fucking broad for a year and there's no food and I lost it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 32 years old and still chasing the skirts around like a kid. (I highlighted that part because I want to be sure you all read that correctly. This jackass actually was talking like that.)
Bottom line: They let him go and she left that night with the parting shot, "Don't let him hurt my furniture!" All in all, good clean fight. Now I'm hoping for the midget that lives downstairs to start rioting!
