SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE FINEST OUR COMEDY CELLAR HAS TO OFFER. AUSSIEPUB.COM'S OWN CELLAR GIRLS,PENNY AND PANTHERETTE,WILL SIFT THROUGHT COUNTLESS LAUGHS TO BRING YOU THE BEST OF THEM AND PLACE THEM HERE ON THE "TOILET WALL".

 

A lady started to empty her shopping cart when she saw a new brand of Flyspray near the checkout.She grabbed a tin and asked the blonde checkout chick if it was any good for cockroach's.The checkout girl read the label and said "no,it will bloody kill them"!

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Did you ever stop and wonder......
1-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"

2-Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

3-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

4-Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

5-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

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Steve,Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding.Suddenly,Steve falls off and is killed instantly.After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body,Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife.Bob sayshe's good at this sort of sensitive stuff,so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer."So did you tell her?"asks Jeff.
"Yep,"replies Bob.
"Say,where did you get the six-pack?"
"She gave it to me."
"What?" exclaims Jeff."You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"
"Sure,"Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues,when she answered the door,i asked her whether she was Steve's widow."Widow,"she said"no,no,you're mistaken.I'm not a widow."So i said,
"I'll bet you a six-pack you are!"

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The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many
generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They
promised any general who retired straight away his
full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points on
the general's body, with the general getting to select
any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He
asked the pension man to measure from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out
with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From
the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine
general might like to reconsider, pointing out the
nice checks the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine but that he'd better get the medical
officer to do the measuring. The medical officer
attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The
medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. My God!" he
said, "Where are your testicles?" The general replied,
"In Vietnam."

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A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help but notice how happy you look,"she said."What's your secret for a long,happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day,drink a case of beer,eat fatty foods,and never,ever exercise,"he replied.
"Wow,that's amazing,"she said,"How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

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