It�s been awhile since I�ve updated the site (as my few visitors probably realize) but I guess I haven�t had much to say. However, a number of related events have taken place this week that I feel compelled to share. I must admit I have mixed feelings about doing this. Those who know me would tell you that I�m not a person who gets very emotional too often. Statements and events roll off my back so to speak. I like that perception but despite that I�m about to �bare my soul� and admit that the opposite is true. Despite that, I�m not really thinking that not writing this is an option so here goes.
Well there was this girl�. I suppose lady would be more apropos but the narrative wouldn�t flow as well. Anyway as you could have guessed I am attracted to her for a number of reasons (not all having to do with looks). She is someone who I have the opportunity to talk to some but also whom I could completely ignore if I chose. I honestly couldn�t tell you what she thinks about me. She seems friendly enough when I talk to her but I don�t see anything that would suggest �she digs me�. This brings up an important trait about myself. I do not deal with this type of situation well. At all. I believe everyone has something that causes him or her more grief than it should. Intellectually, I fully understand that I am overreacting to every little perceived setback but it doesn�t help the feeling go away. And that feeling is what is important here, as you shall see.
Something else about me that you should know (readers of this site should not find this surprising), I�m a Christian. Some Christians can give you an exact date when they responded to God�s call. I can�t quite do that but I can give you the month, year and circumstances. It was July of 1986; I was between my sophomore and junior years. I had been going to church with some friends for several months. I was supposed to go to church that night. Before I was supposed to go I cut my finger on a Pringles can. It seemed to be bleeding abnormally (to me) so I called my grandparents. After they patched it up they suggested I not go but I went anyway (it wasn�t a serious injury at all). I went down to the altar call to try to �speak in tongues�. The person ministering to me asked if I was saved. My response was something akin to �huh?� His suggestion was to take care of that first. My friends and I duly obeyed. That was the night where I decided that God and not I was in charge of my life.
Well I have had varying degrees of success with keeping that in mind since. There have been periods in my life where I have been quite close to God and other times where I have not been quite close with God. I must say that I have never completely abandoned my faith but I�ve had periods where the light has been quite dim.
My recent situation has been one of those dim periods. I haven�t attended church in a year and a half. I�ve been disenchanted with the whole church scene (the reader is referred to �The New Reformation� on this site for more details) and haven�t found a church where I felt I belonged. Not surprising since I was not searching real hard. My focus has not been on what positive actions I could take to make a difference but rather what purchases I could make to enhance my fun time. Being numb to anything greater than oneself is an uneasy feeling at times but it can be forgotten.
All this background serves as the foundation to explain what happened and why it affected me like it did. I continued to struggle with my feelings and how was I ever going to get to know her and why wouldn�t she talk to me much (maybe the same reason I didn�t talk to her much). I was reluctant to ask God for anything �trivial� like this because I didn�t want to ignore Him until I needed something then run to Him shouting �make the ouchy better�. But I also remembered the depths of despair I sank into the last time I had feelings for someone. I wasn�t close to there YET and with no desire to arrive there I asked God for help. Specifically, I don�t want to go there and anything You might care to do to prevent it was OK by me. I also said I would like a direction to go in this but I didn�t have the right to ask. After I finished I felt, no I knew, that God had heard me. And I was sure that God would help me. And He did.
The very next day God addressed my situation by giving me a very simple but significant task. The overwhelming urge to do this simple thing (that we do each day without realizing it) came right at the time I was to do it. The task elicited a positive response and I felt much better the rest of the day. (Forgive my vagueness but you never know who�s looking on the Internet and if I used specifics instead my meaning may get lost).
Once I was home and had some time to process I became overwhelmed. I realized that the god of the universe, creator of heaven and earth and everything in it cared about my relatively insignificant problem. A few tears of gratitude escaped from my eyes at that moment along with a deep sense of shame and repentance. Every careless word, every judgmental thought, every selfish act of the last wasted two years hit me like a ton of bricks. I would put people down and criticize how they run their lives. I guess my life is perfect and a shining example to others. I would scoff at the idea of co-workers being part of a big family. When our school secretary died surprisingly I thought it was an inconvenience to have to attend a meeting to talk about it because after all I didn�t know her that well. Haven�t contributed to charity in some time but I have a bunch of electronics. Apparently I need a new TV more than a poor family needs to eat. Didn�t feel the need to look for a new church, that�s three hours of my life each week I�ll never get back. There are other, more specific things as well. No extreme wickedness just living my life as if I was put here only to amuse myself.
Speaking of church, I asked for God�s guidance in finding where I should go with more confidence than my first request because I�m pretty sure He wants me to do this. I mentioned it to some co-workers and one of them suggested I visit a certain church that I�m already familiar with. Sounded good and it sounded better when a flyer for that church was in my mailbox. When my mom saw it and said she normally throws these things out (because I haven�t been going) but she thought maybe I�d like to go back I figured maybe God was saying something. I�ve received many other blessings during this past week but I�m running long as it is.
A note about the girl (oops lady) I mentioned at the beginning. I have managed to talk to her some. I would love to say that I know this will happen but in all honesty I�m not that confident. Oh I know God can do it but will He want to? And she still has her freedom of choice. There is an age difference (she�s mid 20s I mid 30s) and I just don�t know how open she is to going somewhere or talking on the phone or something to see if there is something there. But she is not �attached� in any way and quite frankly I can�t justify to myself not trying for something I want just because failure is likely. I would tell my 100+ students to go for it so I have to try even if giving up is easier.
I don�t know what the future holds but if I can stay on this track I have a feeling it will be something significant. Thanks for reading and if you received something from it I�m glad because that will make the soul bearing and the sense of embarrassment I feel worth it.
Back to Rufas Rants Page
Back to Rufas Main Page