Title: The Only Thing Left Was Darkness
Author: Ruby-Flame Jedi Queen
Summary: Vader looks back on his old life in the wake of his new.
Rating: G
Feedback: Never can get enough of that...;-)
He awoke to the sound of a respirator; its unfamiliar drone cutting through the silence of the room. Vision was one asset he didn't yet have, so while he waited he distracted himself by wallowing in guilt. He hadn't saved Padme. Because of him she had died. The whole galaxy would suffer his wrath for letting her die! And most of all, Obi-Wan would die for betraying him. Every person he had ever tried to see as a father figure had left him, deserted him. And Obi-Wan would pay for it. The guilt becoming a rare, untamable anger seemed to satisfy him for the moment, so he waited thoughtlessly as some colors became visible, and soon distinct shapes. The first shape that became clear was Palpatine's. Suddenly he remembered everything. He had fallen into a molten pit...the pain was excrutiating...and then....nothing. Yet here he was, alive. Had Palpatine--
"Saved you? Not exactly. The Anakin Skywalker you were once died in that pit. If you do not believe me, see for yourself. You are now more machine than human. Your thoughts and actions are powered by fear, anger--and guilt. Yesss...I can sense the guilt and anger boiling inside of you, and you will get your chance for revenge. Patience, my young apprentice."
No. I am no longer Anakin Skywalker, of that he is right. Anakin Skywalker is the coward who failed to save his mother...and his wife. I WILL NEVER AGAIN LET FATE CHEAT ME! I ALONE WILL DECIDE WHO LIVES...AND WHO DIES! But...his apprentice? Is he the Sith the council feared had been in charge of the Republic? He is. My master now. So then, who am I?
Palpatine read the former Anakin's thoughts and a slow smile crept up his face. Goood. He was accepting the facts rather well. At his last thought Palpatine answered, "My friend, you are now Darth Vader, my right hand, and together we will construct an empire of order and skill and crush the remaining remnants of the republic...and of the jedi."
As Palpatine had intended, this sparked a whole new current of anger that raced through Vader, and Vader sat up in his new life-support suit. In the next few moments flashbacks of the past, broken dreams, lives, and love passed through Vader. He remembered his naive child self, with grand dreams of becoming a jedi and freeing the slaves. He remembered the first time he set eyes on Padme's face, and asking her if she was an angel. He remembered his mother's heart-breaking look as he had left Tatooine to pursue his dreams, and their exchanged vow to see each other again. He remembered Qui-Gon's death, and Obi-Wan's promise to train him. He remembered the vigorous workouts, the exciting duels, the useless meditation. He remembered how much he had missed his mother and Padme while he was training. He remembered the suspicious looks Yoda had given him. He remembered being called 'the chosen one'. He remembered the missions he had been on, the people he had met. He remembered returning from Ansion and the beginning of the Republic's collapse. But most of all he remembered when he saw Amidala again on Coruscant, radiating more beauty and strength than ever. He remembered he soft hair, her beautiful brown eyes, and the way her dresses showed off every curve, and left smooth skin, perfect for caressing to taunt him. He remembered their first kiss, the way she had tasted, the electricity it sent running through them both. He remembered her pulling away, and later explaining to him that falling in love would destroy them both. He remembered agreeing, but falling in love all the more with her anyway. Then he remembered his mother's death. He saw her one last time, bloody and bruised and their last words. He remembered the intense pain he felt and the sense of failure. He remembered killing every single Tusken Raider in the camp for taking his mother away from him. He remembered his guilt at doing so, the accusations in his mind that he was a monster, and the contradicting arguments saying he did what was necessary to avenge his mother. He remembered her burial, and telling himself he would never fail anyone again. Then he remembered being with Amidala again as prisoners. He remembered her profession of love as they faced death, his surprise and delight and another kiss. He remembered the fear of losing her, and the joy of getting her back, and the never-ending joy of marriage. He remembered their honeymoon, the ecstasy of finally becoming one with Padme, something he had waited for all his life. He remembered Obi-Wan's shock when he discovered their secret, and the day the council had to be told. He remembered their disapproving faces and somehow...relief as the turned him away from the order. But he remembered not caring, taking Amidala's hand and going to start a new life on Tatooine. He remembered her happiness at being with him...but also her sadness when Anakin left to help fight the war, and his frustration of leaving his wife. He remembered discovering that his wife was pregnant, angry at not being told right away. He remembered the countless times the council had tried to keep Amidala's location a secret for her 'protection' and his fury when he discovered harm had come to her because of the council's stupid choices. He remembered searching for her, his mind in despair, and finally coming in weak contact with her mind. He remembered tracking her down to where Dooku was holding her, and fighting him with every ounce of strength; anger took complete control. He remembered his victory over Dooku, but his unbearable loss of his soul mate. Because of Dooku, Padme took her last breath, looked into Anakin's eyes and whispered, "I love you," the last profession she would ever make. He remembered his grief, uncontrollable pain and rage blinding him taking over his senses. He remembered the denial, pounding his head into the wall over and over again screaming at whoever could hear to bring her back. He remembered cradling her and crying for hours, days, who knows how long with grief and guilt eating away at him. He remembered realizing she was no longer pregnant; thus his child had already been born. He remembered his renewed sense of purpose to find their child at all costs, his last reminder of Amidala. He remembered placing a last kiss of her cold lips and crying all the more as the thought of her being gone became more and more of a reality. He remembered questioning life, how could he ever live without her? But deciding to stay alive for their child. He remembered asking Obi-Wan where his son was. The only answer he received was, "I cannot tell you," which infuriated him even more. He remembered igniting his lightsaber and dueling with Obi-Wan; this time as a real to the death serious duel. He remembered losing his footing...and falling. He remembered the pain; the pain of being burned alive. He remembered the darkness taking him over, and his last thought once again of being a failure.
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Vader realized he was crying. No one could see his aching since the dark mask of guilt covered his face, but underneath the mask he felt the pain of Padme's death and his pointless life all over again.
But Vader's face hardened. No. He would no longer shed any more tears. With this voice he set his face into stone, a steel expression, and stood up next to his master. His master wanted the last jedi destroyed, and Vader would be glad to do it. They were the cause of Her death, and they would not be allowed to live. He would take personal satisfaction in achieving their demise. The last thing Anakin said before Vader suppressed all remnants of him was, "You have failed them all..." and then the only thing left was darkness.