Not His Eyes

Amidala thought of the way that Anakin’s eyes had once gazed into hers with such passion that she hadn’t been able to turn away. His eyes had told her everything – even that four-letter word that she had tried to deny. And when finally he could have her, his eyes did not turn smug, but they instead smiled warmly at Amidala as if nothing else could ever be so beautiful.

But then they changed.

It happened like this.

***

Amidala had not quite been fully prepared for what life would bring after her wedding day, but she had had visions of a wonderful little home tucked away in the Nubian hillsides where she and Anakin could live their lives out together…quietly and in love.

Now Amidala stood on the veranda of the apartment looking out into the Nubian city and she was nearly biting her nails off. Anakin had broken the news to her the night before.

I have to go fight, Padme. It is my duty as a jedi.

The new battle brought back the distress that had plagued her as a young queen, except for now the stakes were higher, in a sense. Amidala didn’t feel as if she could lose Anakin. Ever since their wedding, she had felt a deep connection within them unfold. Perhaps it was the doing of the Force, or perhaps it was simply the feeling of real love. Amidala didn’t have much with which to compare it, so she couldn’t know for sure. All she knew is that without Anakin, her heart would break.

So she continued biting her nails.

She watched the traffic buzz below her—that feeling of rush-hour tension permeating the air. And she thought of the way Anakin would run his fingers through her hair, whispering of his love for her in her ear as he did so.

Padme, you were my angel since the moment I saw you. And now you really are mine…

Mine…

Suddenly Amidala shivered. And it was not a shiver that was brought on by tender memories, but by a sudden inward chill. Anakin had been away from home a lot lately, and a change had slowly been making its way over him. Amidala could never quite pinpoint it until now. Now, suddenly, she was struck with the answer. She could feel Anakin’s hunger for control overpowering the connection between them even now…

…The doors burst open. Anakin stepped in garbed in a dark cloak that shrouded his face.

For the first time, and not the last, Amidala recoiled from her husband.

“What are you doing, Amidala?” he asked, an impatient tone creeping into his voice. He had never directly addressed her by Amidala before. It had always been Padme. The name sounded foreign to Amidala’s ears. And she felt a cold deeper than she had ever felt.

“I…I…was wondering where you were, Ani. You said you would…you would return to gather your belongings before you left with the other jedi to fight,” Amidala heard the fear in her voice and couldn’t quite process it. This was not the Anakin who would cup her face in his hands and kiss her nose when it was cold outside.

Her husband flinched during two words of her reply: Ani and jedi. At the word jedi, he snickered. “Yeah, well, there has been a change of plans,” and he turned his back to her and stared at the opposite wall.

Amidala still felt like a puddle of water. Everything was coming to her in slow motion, like ripples that would slowly spread out until the whole puddle had felt them. She had not quite felt all the ripples yet. “You mean you no longer have to leave?” she asked hopefully, but not without a certain amount of fear. What was her husband wearing and why was he behaving so?

…And then he turned around and his hood slid back so that she could see his face. But what she noticed were his eyes.

They were burning again, but this time not with desire. There was a hate there that Amidala had never seen before. A hunger for something Amidala could not quite describe. A darkness that chilled her like never before. They were almost like the eyes of…

“Monsters. The jedi are monsters,” he spat.

They were not his eyes.

I’m not really here, Amidala told herself, I’m sitting at a wooden dinner table in a small Tatooine home, and a little boy with sandy blonde hair is sitting beside me, with his mother directly across from me. He is such a cute little kid. Full of life, hope, warmth…

But Amidala could not fool herself for long. The coldness of his eyes had now chilled her heart; the ripples finished their spread. Yet even then Amidala could not move. She was rooted to her position on the floor, trying to deny all of this. There would be no more late-night cuddles, no tender whispers… no light, gentle kisses.

They were not his eyes.