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Anakin's thoughts on his journey to the Dark Side...
By Ruby-Flame Jedi Queen
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Fire is burning across my eyelids. I feel murderous.
This is as furious as I have ever been before. Padme is missing and my mother died, all in one day. The jedi council should have granted me at least one visit to Tatooine! It is their fault that my mother is dead, their fault! And Obi-Wan, my supposed 'friend' also did nothing to help. I want to kill the jedi. THEY LET MY MOTHER DIE!
Just like that.
And now my wife is gone as well. What's the point of living now? There is none. But before I go, I need to pay everyone back.
I was made an offer. Palpatine said that I could get my revenge by joining him in embracing the dark side of the force. I am considering his offer even though warnings go off like alarms in my head. But it was the jedi that instilled those warnings wihin me anyway, and the jedi are wrong about everything. They sit on their lazy arses all day and do nothing while people die.
I don't take pride in being a jedi, not anymore.
I was SO naive as a child.
Now, I know the truth.
Maybe I should join the dark side.
Maybe I should...
*****************************
Obi-Wan and I are currently in a raging battle, but we are not practicing this time. I'm not laughing this time. I want Obi-Wan DEAD!
Padme is dead now. Well, that is what everyone thinks. The search parties are being called off.
My mom is definitely dead, though.
Does Obi-Wan care?
Possibly.
But has he tried to look for Padme?
No.
I cannot feel her when I reach out with the force.
She MUST be dead.
She IS dead.
I should be dead.
EVERYONE SHOULD BE DEAD!
Mom. My dear mother. I WILL avenge you.
Ami, my beautiful, sweet wife. I WILL avenge you.
I'm going to choose the Dark Side. I think.
What else can I do with my life? I mean, don't get me wrong, I am not immensly fond of Palpatine, but I would rather side with him than the jedi.
HISS! KSHHHHHHHHHH.....
Our lightsabers are locked against each other, and I waiting for my chance. My chance to swing my lightsaber across his midsection.
I HATE OBI-WAN.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm falling!
I wasn't thinking, I was too busy fuming, and by the pain I think my wish to join my mother and Padme will soon be granted...I... I....I'm in a pool of lava. The heat is suffocating. And the pain blinding. I cannot bear it. HELP ME! OBI-WAN! HELP ME!
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It was not Obi-Wan who rescued me; it was Palpatine. I informed him of my decision the moment I came into consciousness and my thoughts returned. Now, I am only half human. And half machine.
Curse Obi-Wan and that lava pit. Padme wouldn't want to see me if she was alive since I look like a monster, and, who knows, maybe I am one.
No, no, the jedi are the monsters.
I have made the right decision to embrace the Dark Side.
The jedi WILL pay.
********************************************
It has been two months since I joined the Dark Side of the Force. I thought it was the right decision until I felt something; for just a split second I felt a small shiver in the force. Even though I had not felt it in a long time, I recognized it immediately as Padme's presence. She's alive, but once the feeling became blocked I realized that she is putting a wall between us. I don't know why, but I am on a mission to find out. On a mission to find HER.
So far, nothing. But I have my sources. And my ways.
I WILL find her.
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3 Weeks have passed. I heard that Padme's location is near the Nubian palace. It figures; I thought of all the places she would be- except for the most obvious one. Some Sith I am. Sith. I am a Sith. It never completely dawned on me until now, but it's too late to turn back.
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Another few days have passed, but they have passed, but they have passed fruitfully as I have now confirmed that she is still by the palace. I am nearing it now. I have eliminated all the sources who gave me information, so she should not be aware of my arrival.Yes, there it is; Naboo's kingdom.
Now where is it's Queen?
*****************************************
I have never seen my wife with such fear in her eyes.
But yes, she should be afraid. She hid from me, and I am not pleased that she would do such a thing. After I searched for another day, I found her; she was residing with a family close by the palace, just as my sources told me. I brought her outside, where she is with me now.
"An--Ana--k-k-in, why are you here?" She asked me, trembling as she attempted to say my name.
"I'm here because I'm your HUSBAND! Why are you hiding from me?" I asked, feeling a bit hurt even though she could not hear the pain in my voice; I would never allow her to.
"I'm not hiding anything!" She replied, and then gasped and bit her lip as she realized her error. And oh, I wasn't going to let this 'Freudian slip' slip.
"Oh, really?" I replied incredulously, and if I could have raised my eyebrow in suspicion, I would have.
"Yes! I mean no!" She shouted, and I clenched my fists. I couldn't believe I was instilling fear in my wife, but it did prompt her to tell the truth, "I mean...okay. I am hiding something."
"WHAT?" I practically yelled.
"I had a....miscarriage. I didn't want to tell you. I heard rumors..."
"What kind?" I interrupted her impatiently.
"Are you really...really...really a Sith?"
Her eyes filled with tears, and she pronounced the word Sith as if it were a curse. I felt the first pang of guilt in my chest when she asked me this question, but then I tried to push it away. I could not meet her eyes, but it matter little since she wouldn't be able to see through my mask either way.
"Yes, I am," I answered her finally, the pangs of guilt becoming stronger.
"Why, Ani?"
"Because this is a better way," I answered, but now the conviction had left my voice.
"Even you can't believe that, Anakin Skywalker. You are on the wrong side."
I had never heard Padme speak so harshly before.
"Listen, AMIDALA, I am on the right side. There is no more looking back; this is my future."
"Then your future will not include me in it!" She yelled.
I raised my hand in anger and threw her backwards using the force.
"Ah!" She cried out. Then she hit the ground, and the force of her impact knocked her unconscious. Suddenly my entire body began to shake. What had I done to my love? I was really a monster now? Oh Ami! I walked over to where she lay, and bent down beside her. Then I did something a Sith should never allow himself to do... I began crying like a baby.
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That was the last time I ever saw Amidala Padme Naberrie.
I had to leave her there, with an image of me as a monster in her mind. That haunts me more than anything. I hate Palpatine being my new master. He seems to laugh at my situation now. This is all his fault. But I can't go back. I mean, I get to tell anyone else what to do. They are at my beck and call. It's great...the power. It's...addicting. And I can't go back to Ami. Not now, not ever. She would never want me back. I sent her a letter asking her to join me. I already knew her answer in my heart,though. I didn't need a reply. Apparently she knew I knew, because no reply ever came.
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A year later I was told the news of the passing of my life...I mean wife. The death of Padme meant the death of all my connections to my old life. I was no longer Anakin and never would be. Now, I was Darth Vader. It was appropriate for someone as evil as me. I did not cry at the news of her death. I just stood there. My feet were glued down. This was it.
But deep in my heart something told me I still had hope. Something told me a part of Amidala was still alive.
I didn't listen. My mind was drowning in the horror of my loss. Palpatine smiled at the news, glad that with Padme out of the way I would no longer have an excuse to leave the Dark Side. I was truly his now.
Later that day a letter was delivered to me. I opened it angrily, and read it. It was from Padme.
Anakin,
*(My eyes stung at the mention of my old self)*
If you are reading this, than I am dead. Which I
think will happen soon. And frankly, I don't care.
YOU were my life, Ani. Why did you become such a
horrible...thing?
I guess it doesn't matter. I've shed enough tears to
fill the ocean, and I will welcome the peace of death
when it comes. Things could have been great for us.
But you ruined all that with your selfishness. Even
though you don't, I still love you. I do not like
the creature you have become, but I still love
ANAKIN.
So with this,
Goodbye Anakin.
I wish it had not ended this way, but there is always hope.
*******************************************
Later that day I heard news that I might have a son. I should have figured Padme would lie to me. Miscarriage. Ha. Now storm troopers are searching for my son. If he is alive, Palpatine wants to raise him as a sith. If I DO have a son out there, I hope Palpatine does not find him.
At the end of the day I read Padme's letter again.
Her words still sting like a knife tearing through my skin. But I haven't cried. Sith DO NOT cry.
I let the pain of everything envelope me and harden
the shell, forever separating me from the Anakin I was once was, or so I thought...
I would never look back again.