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The Cage

Ruby-Flame Jedi Queen

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Today I feel as if I have been placed into an enormous cage, and all I am left with are my feelings, driving me mad.  Some rational part of me somewhere understands why Obi-Wan and Bail Organa are doing this, but that rational part is buried under the struggle of the raw emotion screaming at them day and night. I am fighting a civil war against myself although I do not want to, but it is all I have been reduced to.  Sometimes I feel as though I have gone insane; they sure look at me like I�m crazy.  It does drive me crazy that I have no window through which to look into the world I live in, for people could then see in and find me.  I even once considered taking my life.  "Why?" I lamented, "Why even live when this is my only existence?" But luckily the rational part of me triumphed even though it wore itself out with the effort, so I am still here, my once strong willed side trying to remember the guidance some of my trainers had given to me as I prepared to run for queen.  The voices are too faint, though.  I cannot hear them; I can only hear the sickly sound of my breathing and can only see in brief flashbacks of better times.  Although I cherish those times, I resent them as well because they remind me of the pitiful sobbing woman I�ve become, something Amidala would have never stood for, but she is not me anymore.

Amidala began to die when her husband left her; the man she cherished with her very soul had suddenly left her all alone.  Obi-Wan tried to explain this to her, but she had not grasped a single word he had uttered, for all she had heard was a small voice muttering, "He�s gone, he�s gone, he�s gone�" Amidala wept for days.  You see, her husband had been fighting in the Clone Wars, and had finally returned back safely to his �beloved�.  She had seen it then, though; his eyes were different.  She looked into them and didn�t see the Ani she had married.  His eyes were sad, haunted, and there was even something in them that resembled hatred, the likes of which she had not seen since the day he had admitted he had slaughtered all the Tusken Raiders.  "Ani, darling, what is it?" she had questioned him, but all he did in answer was gaze at her with that intensely disturbing look in his eyes, and then he walked into the house.  That night he had not responded to any of Amidala�s advances, and so she broke off and lay back wondering what she was doing wrong.  She suddenly became very tired, though, and her last conscious memory was that of his soft lips on hers and a whispered, "I�ll always love you�"

I don�t like that memory.  If he still loves me now, then why am I stuck in this hideout hiding from something I don�t even understand? Maybe I will ask Obi-Wan when he next returns.  Or maybe I will ask him why he stole Ani�s children. Before he did it, he told me it would be for the best.  Of course not, if I am the mother and it would be better for them to be with me! But he told me that the children needed a stable family through which to grow, and that it was too dangerous for them to stay.  What did he think I would do, kill Ani�s own children?! Even if I am angry at Ani for abandoning me, I never ever would have hurt the children.  And I am stable! (After this comment I pick up the hairbrush that is seated by me and hurl it at the wall.) The rational part of me laughs as if I made a joke.  I just think that it is stupid to have a hairbrush if you cannot even see yourself.  I wonder what I look like now?

Amidala is not dead.  I lied.  I just don�t like her anymore; she must have failed in something to lose her husband and her children.  My children.  Ani�s children.  They were the two cutest things I had ever seen in my life.  I could see myself back then too, so I liked my hairbrush.  Luke and Leia both looked like little baby angels, and I swear, Luke resembled his father so much.  He had the same intense eyes; it scared me sometimes.  Oh, but I loved them. I would have done anything to please them, to see their little eyes light up and smiles bring little dimples to their faces.  How I miss them! Even though they are gone now, sometimes I can still hear Leia�s high-pitched giggle or Luke�s amused chortle.  Their toys are still here, and I never throw them.  Only that blasted hairbrush.

My mother used to brush my hair; I loved the feel of her hands running the brush through my hair so much that it was really a bonding time between her and I.  It�s hard to explain.  My mother was very good to me since she supported all my decisions even if she was reluctant to let me go.  She once told me I would make an excellent mother if I fussed over my children as much as I fussed over the happiness of my people (when I was queen).  We�ll never know now, will we mother? Stupid stupid hairbrush in this stupid stupid cage.  I hate it here.  I want out.

Why do they do this to me? I am not a bird to be kept cooped up all my life! I am Padme Amidala Naberrie, not a bird! "Let me out!" No one answers.  I�m all alone.  What do I do in here all this time, you ask? Other than go insane? Well, let�s see� I sit here in this cage and feel sorry for myself.  Don�t remind me of how pitiful of an existence it is.  I know.

I do actually do something productive in this cage, and that is write in this journal.  Well, okay, it is not the most productive thing in the world, but when compared with taking one�s own life I would say it is.  Amidala laughs at me, but she shouldn�t laugh; she is not strong anymore either.  Or I wouldn�t be in this mess.  Right now I am anticipating Obi-Wan�s arrival.  I am hungry since I have not eaten in a few days, and I also would like to talk to him.  Rationally, I assure you.  He should have already been here by now unless he went out to visit my children that I will never see again.  Isn�t life ironic?  Where is my husband when I need him? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME? Alright, Padme, calm down.  This is not Ani�s fault; it is yours.  Accept that, will you?

There is noise on the other side of the hidden door, so I press my ear against it.  Is it Obi-Wan?

"Padme!" I hear from the other side of the door.

"Ani? Ani, is that really you?" I cry excitedly, a strange feeling warming my body.  Hope.  I have not felt it in a long time.

"Yes, my angel, it�s me.  I�m so sorry, Padme, so very sorry.  Let me in, please."

Let me in please? He didn�t even tell me he loved me!

"I love you, Padme!"

I will let him in.  But wait, I can�t let him in! I can�t even get out myself! I�m going to lose him again! "Ani, I can�t let you in!"

"I really do love you though, and I love the kids too.  Too bad you can�t come and see them."

"No!" I shout and I fling myself against the door.  I am knocked over, because at that very moment Obi-Wan walks in.

"Amidala! You were talking to yourself! Are you alright?" he asks me with concern.

I am angry, "Where are my children? What have you done with them?"

He looks at me with pity, but I do not want his pity.  "Where?!" I screech.

"Am"- he starts, but I cut him off.

"I am sick of this! Ever since you brought me to Aldeeran, all I do is sit in this dreaded cage and hide.  I don�t even know what I am hiding from.  So tell me Obi-Wan, who is it who poses such a great threat to me out there? Who is it who forces me to sit here in my never-ending misery? Who is it who has reduced my life to this?"

Obi-Wan stares at me, as if in shock, for a moment.  Then he casts his glance downward and in that moment I see deep regret and true sorrow reflected in his eyes.  Finally, he answers me.

"Anakin."