Clarity

By Obi's Girl

Summary: Padme reflects on her loss, the things she didn't see or didn't want to see...

I see it clearly now. The universe is no longer the same. Everything around me was changing, but I didn't see it. I didn't want to see the change in him, but you saw it. You knew there was something different about him. That day you came to my apartment and told me about the duel, I didn't want to believe it had come to that. I stood there for hours after you left, trying piece together any missed signs I hadn't seen.

I know Anakin and I didn't have the perfect marriage. We were apart a lot, I had my obligations in the Senate and Anakin had his duty to the Jedi Council. But it was more than that that made us fall apart. He was restless all the time, anxious...and greedy.

He wanted more power; he wanted to be the most powerful Jedi ever. Power, it was all about power. He claimed you were holding him back from his full potential but somehow I don't believe that. I didn't believe what you told me about him turning, but now that I have this moment of clarity, I understand.

I know I'm rambling and nothing is coherent but I see now what I never wanted to see the three years I was Anakin's wife. I'd been losing him a little bit each day; his anger was consuming him, his jealousy of you and want for more power fueled his anger. I thought if I kept quiet and ignored the bigger issue and simply supported him, all of these things he wanted so much would go away.

In the end, I can't understand you, Anakin; how did power became more important to you than me? But through it all, there is one hope. My hope is in our children, but for them I also feel and fear that there are dark times ahead. Obi-Wan says the children and I have to go into hiding because it isn't safe me anymore on Coruscant.

I have officially taken my leave from the Senate and will leave with Obi-Wan, although I don't know where we will go. I want you to be with me these last days, to be sitting beside me as I hold our children in my arms. It pains me you will not be there for them and for me.

I don't know how I can move on when I know you are gone, but Obi-Wan has assured me as long as I remember the Ani I knew before all of this happened, the days we were happy together, I will find comfort and strength again.

Anakin, I'm not strong. You always admired the strength I held inside myself, but now I feel weak. I feel empty. I have no support. My only comfort is waiting for your children to arrive.

But after that, then what? What happens after that? What will happen the next day, the next month, or even years and decades after when my children barely remember my name? I will be lost to time, just as you will be, Anakin.

Obi-Wan promised me one day when my boy was old enough, he would tell him about me. I told him my children deserve to know where they come from despite everything that happened to you and me. He is my hope now, and because of him I know you will live on in my children.

Clarity. This letter will never reach you because you are gone, but I needed this moment to reflect on my feelings. You were my clarity, Anakin, but I have to look for a new clarity, a new hope.

Love you always,

Padme