He is standing when I enter. His newly wounded arm had been wrapped again.
�Grim.�
�Benedict.�
He frowns but no one is around to hear me use his real name. I am too tired to care about his wrath.
�Sit,� he commands evenly.
As I did warning bells were off. Commanders do not sit with the Protector. They stand, give reports/receive orders, then they are dismissed. Maybe he was feeling generous because I was family but I know better. However, I am too tired to care. He had placed some items on his desk. A dark blade with a white handle sat unsheathed across the surface of the table, the sword that removed his arm, and a deck of cards. Trumps.
He sat starring at me for a long time before speaking.
�Who are you?�
�Grim.�
Pause.
�Who were you?�
The question catches me off guard. I have been at his side for so long that the other part of me, the part that spent 40 years on Shadow Earth, had all but disappeared from my memory. At least until he spoke. Then it came roaring back into my forebrain.
�Jonathan Amberson.�
�What did you do when you were Jonathan?�
�I was a physician.�
�And��
�And?�
�And.�
�� A husband, and a father��
�Where are your wife and children?�
For the first time in a long time I felt a burning desire. The desire to kill. To kill Benedict. The desire fades into hilarity for I am not suicidal, not anymore. I want to laugh but I am too tired. Too tired to even move. Maybe that is why he is asking me now. He is safe from my attack because I cannot make one. I would never intentionally attack Benedict because I respect him but my impulses might cause me to try. In the split second of burning hate I would have drawn my sword� If I wasn�t too tired. He knew. He always knows. I can only answer his question.
�They�re dead.�
�How?�
�Car accident.�
�Really?�
�Partially.�
I am not going to elaborate. I can�t. The room swims and I feel� odd for a moment then everything returns to normal. He holds up a Trump. It is of the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I feel my heart race and break as view just he image.
�Who is this?�
I try to dodge the question.
�Florimal.�
�Who?�
�My mother,� I reply softly. He keeps pressing.
�When did you meet her?�
�The day my family died.�
�What was she doing there?�
I want to say that I didn�t know, but I do. She told me. She told me repeatedly. I just couldn�t hear her. Maybe I didn�t want to because if she was doing what she claimed then that meant someone cared. And if someone cared, for whatever reason, then I could not do what I really wanted.
�She was saving my life.�
�Because?�
I didn�t even try to out-maneuver him. I manage to look in his eye though and put some heat into my words.
�Because I was about to put a bullet into my brain.�
�What did she do?�
�She took the gun away,� I smile for the first time in a long time, �and accidentally broke my wrist when she slammed me into the ground. I wasn�t as strong then.�
�No you were not,� he pushed the card closer, �Then what did she do?�
�She cried� I think. She told me everything. The adoption, who she really was, Amber, the danger I was in. It came at me in a rush, disjointed� either because she was upset or because I was Not Good. Everything seemed real and unreal. True and false.�
My eyes were watery for some reason and the room was looking blurry. I must be really tired. I hope that�s what it is. I really, really do.
�What did you do?�
No. No, no, no, nononononononono. I don�t want to go here! Not this! I know this feeling. I remember it and do not want it. He won�t let me up. He is pushing me here. I don�t want it! I don�t want to feel it. Guilt.
�I attacked her.�
�Then?�
�I don�t know.�
�Liar. What happened?�
�I went insane!� I yelled. Screaming at him, �Reality fell apart! What�s real? Who knows? Did I beat her? Was I dreaming? Was I awake? Did I rape her? Did she shoot me? Did I shoot her? Did I shoot ME? Who started my house on fire? Did it actually burn or was that a dream? I don�t know! I don�t know! I don�t know! I don�t remember!�
He throws the card at me and I don�t even bother trying to catch it as it slides into my lap.
�She does.�
�I know.�
�What do you remember next?�
�Gerard.�
�Really?� and I can�t help but grin at his surprise, �What happened?�
�I didn�t know who it was until later but I have vague recollections of running through some woods when I literally ran into him. I was wearing some type of jump suit. He said something. I don�t remember what, but I remember his fist and the darkness that followed.�
That actually brought a chuckle up from him. That made me feel� good for some reason. The world didn�t fall apart this time. I didn�t black out. I am feeling strange. Strange to be feeling.
�What happened next,� he prompted. He just won. I would tell him anything and everything. Even though he knew it. I would tell him. He put Gerard�s card in my numb hands.
�I came partially awake in a small cottage. In retrospect I think I was in Amber somewhere. Flora� Mother and Gerard were discussing me. She was trying to convince him to look after me while he was trying to convince her to tell him why. She said it was dangerous for me on Shadow Earth and that I would recover better in Amber. She also said that she trusted him enough to tell him that I was her son.�
I feel my shoulders relax as I look at his card.
�He tried to watch over me in secret. I didn�t make it easy. Part of me believed that I was still insane but another part knew better� That this was real and it was time to adjust. I didn�t want to. Finally, after about a month of me escaping the cottage and trying to by a ticket to Cincinnati from Amber�s harbor master, daily suicide attempts, and me basically denying reality, he decided to take action. I give him credit both for his patience with me and his inspiring idea. He was going to make me walk the Pattern.�
I feel the smile again and it still feels odd but not so uncomfortable.
�He Trumped Mother in and now he was trying to convince her of his plan. They snuck me into the castle and down to the Pattern. They explained it to me but I didn�t believe them. I think I did it believing that if I bought into the delusion or hallucination it would go away faster.�
I need to stop here. I feel something, something different. Pride, maybe. I don�t know what feeling is what anymore.
�I did it! I succeeded and failed in the same breath. I walked and the first veil parted and I knew I was not insane. I walked and the second veil parted and I knew who I truly was. Scion of Amber! Then, the third veil. I remembered the day my children died. With my new awareness I remembered what I felt but did not understand. Shadow was shifted that day. It was arranged for my family to die!�
I feel the chill crawl up my spine and the room gets blurry again, but I know at least it is not my mental state this time. Still, I find no comfort in it. Guilt comes crashing in on me. If I knew I could have saved them! The tent grows dark as I attempt to stand but I am firmly placed into my seat. I protest but my challenge is met with only silence. Then�
�Well?�
�A pity party,� I say as the room clears, �and drunken binge. I was inconsolable. I hit every bar in town and even some in Shadow. I don�t go far because I wasn�t really told how. I start talking about things and people, probably endangering Mother. Eventually, Gerard drags me back to that damn cottage and sobers me up. He threatens, he yells, but I just can�t get over it. He gets frustrated and this time he doesn�t even call Mother. He just picks me up and hauls me off.�
�Where?�
�To you. I was able to make myself talk to him when he was recovering from his ordeal with that damn black road. He couldn�t figure out what to do so he brought me to the only brother he could trust. He had no idea what Mother was up to but he thought that if he told anyone in Amber about me that would be it. You were his only option if I was to live. I didn�t want to at the time, because I hated him for saving me, but I thanked him when he was here last.
Benedict flips over another Trump. It is his.
�Tell me what happened.�
�I hated you. You had me worked over pretty good. Then when you believed that I understood the situation� I lived by your sufferance but you would not allow me to die� You threw me into one of your training battalions. You worked me and trained me. You taught me and instructed me. When the instructors were done with me for the day, you�d drag me off to test me or to force me to learn about Shadow or the Trumps.�
I have not talked for so long in some time. My throat is parched and my hands are clammy but I can�t stop.
�After a year you judged me and tossed me into your army and threw me against an enemy. I survived. You�d drag me out of my bunk at odd hours and force me to read military manuals, or play strategy games like Chess or Go, or ask me philosophical or tactical question then make me defend my answers. It was hell, but I lived. You found more enemies� or they found us� and I fought them and I thrived.�
Pause.
�I no longer sought death� I no longer sought anything. I started putting questions to you. I started challenging you. I sought you out with the Chessboard. You won. You always won but it started to take longer to answer my questions and our games and sparring lasted much longer. I have not found joy here or happiness or even contentment. But maybe I found my willingness to live.�
I stop talking. I really can�t go on. I finally admit that have been crying the entire time but part of me says that�s ok. I am feeling tired again. I have nothing left to draw on. Benedict walks over and offers me his card. Standing, I slowly accept it.
�I need to know why you did all of this for me, Benedict.�
�How old were you when you were dragged to my doorstep?�
�Almost 45 I believe.�
�Even with all the trauma you managed to live through you were just a babe. How long have you served me?�
�Damn. Close to 30 years.�
�A child.�
�What about now?�
He did not answer me at first but stood staring at the wicked blade he took from the Hell-Maiden. That victory had been costly for him in more ways than one but I held my tongue until he spoke.
�Take the sword, Grim.�
�It�s yours, Benedict. You defeated her. Not me.�
�You slew her guards.�
�They weren�t as good.�
�You carried me back.�
�You�re not that heavy.�
�You fought through their lines.�
�They had their backs to me.�
�You rallied the troops.�
�You told me to.�
�You led the counter assault.�
�You� I� Damn, you win again.�
There was a connection formed between us for a brief second as I took the blade. It is a truly beautiful weapon. It�s hilt, so white that it nearly glowed, was extra-long. I can easily wrap a third hand about it if I had one. It�s blacker-then-black blade curved slightly like the katana from Shadow Earth. I slowly slid it into its pearl-gray sheath that had some exotic looking Thari scribed on it. No spells or anything. Just designs. I am so tired.
�You are exhausted, Grim. The commander told me that you have been up for days. Go to bed.�
�I will,� I said turning to leave.
�Good night, Nephew.�
�Good night, Uncle.�
Sleep began to overtake me as I was walking towards my tent. I felt the cards shifting in my pocket and the sword bouncing against my hip. Tired? Yes. Weary? I don�t know.