First Post to RSPW

The Ecstasy that is Ted Burton

Poot Breaks down the Transformers Movie

First match:  UNICRON vs. LITHONE 

Unicron is a hulking mechanical planet.  Lithone is also a hulking 
mechanical planet, populated by extra-intelligent android-like 
creatures.  We can tell that they're extra-intellingent because they've 
invented THE ESCALATOR!  That, and they all have big brain-shaped heads 
and hang out in chemistry labs.  This match is a classic brains vs. 
brawn (n.the Autobot) match-up, and of course, brawn wins.  Unicron 
demolishes and consumes the entire planet in under a minute.  **, which 
is being generous for a total squash like this, but it does a good job 
of getting Unicron over as a monster heel. 

Opening Credits 

STAR WARS SCREEN CRAWL and WE'RE LIVE (but pre-recorded) from the year 
2005, simulcast from EARTH, CYBERTRON, and ELSEWHERE!  And we're off! 

LBTV segment:  on Moon Base 1, OPTIMUS PRIME and IRONHIDE cut a promo.   
Ironhide wants to "bust some Deceptichops" but Prime says they don't 
have enough Energon.  Wow, CLIFFJUMPER sounds just like Casey Kasem! 

Laserbeak reports back to the Decepticons.  Moments ago, Optimus Prime 
and Ironhide... didn't we just see this? 

PROWL, BRAWN, RATCHET, and IRONHIDE vs.  MEGATRON, STARSCREAM, and THE 
CONSTRUCTICONS in a Survivor Series match aboard the Autobot shuttle: 

Brawn is the first eliminated -- Megatron transforms into his gun mode 
and Starscream shoots him once in the shoulder, and he's down for the 
count.  The booking was totally out of character for Brawn, who is 
normally depicted as one of the toughest Autobots. 

Next out is Prowl, who shoots at the Decepticons and misses, only to 
get shot in the chest himself by Scavenger.  Prowl oversells with smoke 
billowing out of his internal circuits, God bless him. 

Ironhide and Ratchet both open fire, but are gunned down in short 
order.  It would seem the match is over... or is it?  Ironhide hangs in 
there for another few minutes... until Megatron mercifully finishes him 
off.  1/2* for this match, mostly due to Prowl's selljob.  The Autobot 
team was still drawing good face heat at this point and didn't deserve 
to be routed in such a one-sided fashion. 

Meanwhile, down on Earth... 

HOT ROD and DANIEL WITWICKY vs. A FISH.  The fish jobs.  DUD 

BATTLE ROYAL for control of Autobot City 

Hot Rod is nearly eliminated by Blitzwing, but is rescued by Kup.   
Starscream gets caught in the Tree of Woe but frees himself before 
anything cool happens.  Kup runs over Kickback's head, eliminating him. 
The Decepticon cassettes quadruple team Perceptor, but Blaster brings 
out the Autobot cassettes to counter them.  We find out Windcharger and 
Wheeljack have been jobbed out of the match, but we don't see how it 
happened.  Devastator no-sells a few mortar rounds.  But what's this?   
It's Prime and the DINOBOTS with a run in!  (Where's SNARL?) 

Optimus takes out THRUST, SHRAPNEL, DIRGE, RAMJET, SOUNDWAVE, KICKBACK 
(huh?) and BLITZWING in rapid succession.  Now we're down to just two 
combatants -- it's champion vs. champion! 

OPTIMUS PRIME vs. MEGATRON in a retirement match 

Megatron pulls out a plasma sword and cuts Prime open hardway across 
the abdomen.  Megatron goes high, but Prime beals him across the ring.   
THAT NEVER WORKS!  Hasn't he ever seen a Flair match? 

Prime has him cornered, but Megatron begs off.  Maybe he HAS studied 
his Flair!  While he stalls, Hot Rod sneaks up behind him and pounces, 
but is easily overtaken by the Decepticon champ, giving him the 
opportunity to shoot Prime right in the open wound.  OUCH.  Optimus 
falls, but he's just playing possum, as he unleashes with the DOUBLE 
AX-HANDLE OF EXTREME PAIN, as Megatron takes the Nestea plunge over two 
extremely high ledges.  Now that was a SICK bump.  Prime wins.  This 
match was panned at the time because expectations were so high, but by 
today's standards it's ***1/2 easily.  Should have been longer, though. 

Optimus Prime collapses after the match, then cuts a promo where he 
says he has "lost his smile".  He hands over the Autobot Matrix title 
to Ultra Magnus, who almost drops it on the floor.  Good choice there, 
Prime.  Then again, this from the same guy who held the title for 
literally a million times longer than BRUNO SAMMARTINO did, and wasn't 
even in active competition for 4 million years of that. 

Meanwhile, Starscream books a "Survival of the Fittest" match aboard 
ASTROTRAIN.  The battle-damaged Decepticons, including THUNDERCRACKER, 
SKYWARP, and the INSECTICONS are quickly dumped out.  Starscream 
personally throws Megatron out himself to win the match.  *1/2   
Necessary from a booking perspective, but painful to watch. 

Meanwhile, Unicron calls Megatron and his faction into his office.  He 
hires the 'Cons to capture the Autobot Matrix title, and gives them new 
gimmicks: Skywarp becomes SCOURGE, Thundercracker becomes CYCLONUS, and 
Megatron becomes GALVATRON.  SPOCK~! 

Somehow, Starscream has managed to get the Decepticon booking team to 
name him as the new Decepticon Title holder, and we pick up on 
Cybertron at the coronation ceremony.  Is that a statue of LORD STRAXUS 
I see? 

Galvatron shows up, vaporizes Starscream, and takes the title for 
himself.  I guess the title is defended under the 24/7 rule, eh?  ** 
Starscream had a great gimmick, I hated to see him go. 

UNICRON vs. AUTOBOT MOON BASE 1 

JAZZ and Cliffjumper try to escape the ring, but get pulled back in.  * 

UNICRON vs. AUTOBOT MOON BASE 2 

BUMBLEBEE and SPIKE WITWICKY set off a bomb in Unicron's mouth, but he 
no-sells it.  Spike:  "SHIT!  It isn't even dented!"  Same finish as 
the previous match, which made me wonder why these two were back to 
back.  The bomb-in-the-mouth spot and the gratuitous cursing bring this 
one up to **. 

Onboard one of the Autobot shuttles, Kup tells a war story about the 
dust on Beta 4.  How come they couldn't have just kept Ironhide in the 
"seasoned veteran" gimmick?  I don't like Kup.  His name is stupid. 

HOT ROD vs. BATTLE DROID 

Hot Rod gets distracted by Kup's story, allowing the droid to get in a 
cheap shot for the win.  This angle was completely ripped of from Star 
Wars.  DUD 

HOT ROD and KUP vs. ROBOT FISH and OCTOPUS 

The fish are generic no-name jobbers.  Hot Rod gigs them with a buzzsaw 
blade.  Who knew he had that?  Kup gets torn apart but Hot Rod is able 
to reassemble him like he was freakin' WHEELJACK.  How did a bratty 
young Autobot like Hot Rod learn to repair damaged bots like that?  Kup 
shows his gratitude by dancing a little jig.  *  Would have been ** 
except for the post-match shenanigans. 

DANIEL WITWICKY vs. HIS EXOSUIT 

My god, Daniel has absolutely no aptitude for this kind of work.   
However, he is a "third generation superstar" so I guess we're stuck 
with him.  Guess we're stuck with him.   The Exosuit wins. ** 

WRECK-GAR delivers a classic promo:  "No welcome wagon hello stranger, 
with that good coffee flavor for you!  Offer expires while you wait!   
Operators are standing by!  BANG BANG!" 

HOT ROD and KUP vs. SHARKTICONS 

Kup starts off by saying "Bah weep graanagh weep ni ni bong!" and 
offers them energon sticks (energon comes in stick form now?).   
NEVER TRUST THE HEELS.  The many overtake the few and take them into 
custody.  Can't argue with that booking.  ** 

KRANIX vs. SHARKTICONS 

Kranix is the sole survivor of the Lithone Holocaust.  The Imperial 
Magistrate of the Quintessons uses one of his FIVE FACES OF DOOM~ to 
announce the verdict:  Innocent!  Everyone's always innocent.  Kranix 
falls into the Sharkticon pit and a feeding frenzy (n.Frenzy) ensues.   
He should have at least moonsaulted off the judging platform and got a 
couple good shots in.  Maybe next time you nerd robots should hit the 
electro-gym once in a while.  *1/2 

GRIMLOCK vs SLAG 

A rare face-vs-face match up.  This one wsa started when Grimmy said 
Slag was full of Beryllium Baloney.  Them's fighting words! 

The match doesn't even get started before the WORST AUTOBOT EVER 
interrupts.  Whose bright idea was it to put WHEELIE on the booking 
sheets?  He was probably on the Quintesson planet because he got kicked 
off Cybertron for sucking so much.  Wheelie is like the X-Pac of the 
Autobot faction. 

"Me Grimlock no like you!" and he swats Wheelie to the ground!   
GRIMLOCK IS MY NEW FAVORITE TRANSFORMER.  Unfortuntely, Grimlock and 
his pals aren't too bright, as the power of Wheelie's EXTREME SLINGSHOT 
OF MINOR DISCOMFORT is enough to get the Dinos to agree to a truce.  I 
don't give ratings to this kind of garbage. 

ULTRA MAGNUS, SPRINGER, ARCEE, BLURR, PERCEPTOR and DANIEL 
WITWICKY SUCKS vs. GALVATRON, SHRAPNEL, HOOK, CYCLONUS, SCOURGE and THE 
SWEEPS for the Autobot Matrix title 

Shrapnel does the job again, this time to Daniel, who has figured out 
how to transform his exosuit into some sort of lawnmower, thereby 
bringing his total moveset to 1.  You have to feel sorry for Shrapnel. 

Magnus goes straight for the Matrix without even attempting to fight 
first.  Do you really think THIS is your Darkest Hour, dumbass?   
Sheesh.  The Sweeps shoot Ultra Magnus up and he falls apart, allowing 
Galvatron to grab the Matrix.  Your winner, and the first Decepticon to 
hold the Matrix since time immemorial, is Galvatron.  **3/4  If they 
had booked the finish that was in the comic book adaptation, where the 
Sweeps draw and quarter Magnus with some kind of rope, this would have 
been an even ***. 

Immediately afterward,  Galvatron turns from heel to tweener, vowing to 
use the power of the Matrix to destroy Unicron. 

KUP and HOT ROD vs the SHARKTICONS in a Shark Pool match 

Nonstop action in this match, as the Autobots decide to get the 
Sharkticons destroying each other with a Demolitin Derby.  Did you hear 
they lost the tag titles?  Plenty of fast lucha-style action here.  Kup 
lays into some Sharkticons with some BRUTAL mace shots.  Eventually the 
Dinobots arrive and even the odds.  From a pure workrate perspective, 
this is match of the night so far, but the Megatron/Prime match has 
more historical significance.  ***1/2 

JUNKIONS vs. AUTOBOT 

Wreck-Gar and his minions arrive with baskets and baskets full of 
PLUNDAH~, as their theme song, Weird Al Yankovic's "Dare To Be Stupid", 
plays continuously.  I'm not much of a fan of the garbage style but 
there are at least a few interesting spots here.  ** 

Hot Rod and the others arrive on the Junk Planet and he decides to give 
the Universal Greeting another try.  "Klaatu... verata... nhchthtm!   
There, I said it!"  This time it works and everyone dances. 
Daniel does the W... O... R... M!  Or not. 

The Junkions reassemble Ultra Magnus and give him a fresh coat of wax.   
So how come when a Transformer gets blown apart, all the you need to do 
to bring him back is snap the pieces together, but all the losers in 
the Autobot City battle royal are now gone forever?  It's the little 
things, people. 

NOTE:  In part 1/3, I mistakenly said Prime/Megatron was ***1/2 (three 
and a half stars).  This was a typo -- I meant to say it was ****1/2 
(four and a half stars).  Sorry. 
--- 
GALVATRON vs UNICRON 

Galvatron tries to use the Autobot Matrix on Unicron but he blows the 
spot.  Maybe he should have practiced opening the Matrix before the 
match, huh?  Unicron covers for him by doing a nice transformation 
sequence.  "For a time... I considered sparing your wretched planet 
Cybertron... but now... you shall witness... ITS DISMEMBERMENT!"  Which 
is more disturbing:  the fact the Unicron's mouth doesn't move when he 
speaks, or the inconsistency of him almost not eating something?   
UNICRON IS FAT 

Unicron no-sells out outside interference from the Cybertronian 
Decepticons.  Galvatron gets only some token offense in before Unicron 
swallows him like a grape to end the match.  **1/2 

Daniel "What happened to Moon Base 2?  Where's my dad?"  Shut up, brat.   
No one likes you.  I'm glad the bookers punished you by teaming you up 
with Arcee later on. 

Unicron sprays the GREEN MIST at the approaching Autobot ships, and 
ends up deflecting one of them right through his left eye.  Yow.   

KUP, ARCEE, SPRINGER, and DANIEL vs the ROBOT CLAWS 

The Autobots run away and get counted out.  DUD  Play the Autobots' 
music!  ("Dare" by Stan Bush) 

HOT ROD vs. GALVATRON for the Autobot Matrix title 

We've reached our semi-main event!  Galvatron suggests they team up 
against Unicron, but in a SHOCKING SWERVE Unicron changes the booking 
at the last minute, forcing Galvatron to be our de facto heel here.   
And heel he does, chasing Hot Rod backstage with several laser cannon 
shots. 

Meanwhile, the Dinobots pick a fight with Unicron's ass.  "Me Grimlock 
kick butt!"  and then he does.  HA HA HA HO HO HO I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING 

TWO NAMELESS JOBBERS vs THE ACID PIT 

What do jobbers do?  They job.  No rating. 

SPIKE, BUMBLEBEE, and JAZZ vs THE ACID PIT 

Daniel runs in and blasts the lid with his exosuit.  Q.  Why didn't 
Spike just blast the lid with HIS exosuit?  A.  Must put Daniel over at 
every opportunity. * 

Also, why is there gravity inside Unicron's body? 

Meanwhile, in the backstage area, Hot Rod suprises Galvatron with a 
roundhouse punch that knocks him on his ass.  He changes to auto form 
and GORE! GORE! GORE!  Galvatron's attacking with his entire arsenal 
but Hot Rod's got a counter for everything.  Finally Hot Rod goes for a 
Thesz press, which Galvatron reverses and he goes for the BLATANT 
CHOKE!  Before the ref can get to the five count, though, Hot Rod grabs 
the Matrix and OH MY GOD!  HE'S HULKING UP!  I AM MARKING THE FUCK OUT. 
Optimus:  "Arise, Rodimus Prime!"  Laser cannon to the chest - he 
shakes it off.  Again - he shakes the finger "uh-uh".  The third shot 
knocks the Matrix out of Rodimus's hands and NOW HE'S ANGRY.  Big 
boot!  Legdrop!  They lock up -- Rodimus picks up Galvatron, gorilla 
presses him, and throws him clear out of Unicron's body and off into 
space.  OH MY GAWD.  Galvatron gets counted out and Rodimus Prime is 
your new Autobot champion.  This match did not disappoint.  **** 

THE MATRIX vs UNICRON 

Immediately the Matrix goes to work on Unicron's internals, working 
over his support structures.  Unicron rips the leg off of his... leg.   
Rowdy Roddy Prime steals Optimus's catchphrase:  "Autobots, transform 
and roll out!"  Well, at least it's better than "Maximals, MAXIMIZE!" 

Meanwhile, the Matrix continues its brutal assault on Unicron.   
Normally I would complain about this match being so one-sided, but 
Unicron has been booked as such a DICK that it's just the right booking 
decision to have him totally destroyed here.  The finish is spectacular 
-- the Autobots escape through Unicron's other eye, and he EXPLODES in 
an enormous burst of blue flame.  Wow.  ***1/2 

Rodimus Prime gives a post-match victory interview.  Basically he 
declares the Cybertronian wars over and that from now on, everyone will 
get along.  It's too bad that Rodimus had no drawing power -- his title 
reign basically consisted of him worrying about whether he was being a 
good champion.  It's no wonder the bookers decided to bring Optimus 
Prime back from the dead, no less than twice. 

Credits roll - hey, I didn't know "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert did the 
voice of Blitzwing!  And Lion sings some lyrics about "The Evil 
Unicorn".  They are the Lilian Garcia of the Transformers universe.   
Hey, the characters and events in this motion picture are FICTIONAL!   
We've been worked! 

Overall, this was a pretty good card.  Two matches in the ****+ range, 
and a couple more in the ***'s are enough to offset all the pointless 
squashes we were subjected to.  I strongly disagree with the bookers' 
decision to depush many of the workers that were extremely over at the 
time in favor of the "New Blood", but some of the kids at least had 
potential.  Not Wheelie and Daniel, though -- I hate them both. 

Thumbs up. 

Until next time, MAKE MINE ROOTBEER! 

- Evil Poot 

Hulka Hoga

From: [email protected] (Rex) 
Date: Thu, 4 Jan 2001 21:11:57
Subject: Hulka Hoga

HULKA HULKA HULKA 


HOGA HOGA HOGA 


I 


AM 


AMERICAN BADASS 


WATCH THE HULKSTER, HE WILL MAKE YOU GOOD 


NANANANANANANA 


[sigh] I miss my Hulkster....... 

RSPW Complaints about the WWF

From: [email protected] (CptainDan) 
Date: Date: 24 May 2002 05:04:11 GMT
Subject: A history of RSPW complaints about WWF wrestling

2002: "WWF IS TURNING INTO WCW!" 

2001: "GET STEPHANIE OFF MY TV!!!" 

2000: "THEY ARE *WASTING* ." 

1999: "TRIPLE H NEVER JOBS!!!" 

1998: "AUSTIN ONLY KNOWS FOUR MOVES!!!" 

1997: "THEY ARE BOOKING ECW TO LOOK LIKE JOBBERS!" 

1996: "VADER IS BEING RUINED!!!" 

1995: "HBK SHOULD BE THE CHAMP, NOT DIESEL!" 

1994: "OWEN IS BETTER THAN BRET!" 

1993: "TODD PETTINGZOO IS ANNOYING!!!" 

1992: "WWF IS SO *BORING* WITHOUT HOGAN!" 

1991: "HOGAN NEEDS TO RETIRE!" 

1990: "WARRIOR AS CHAMP IS KILLING BUSINESS!" 

1989: "NO HOLDS BARRED WAS CRAPPY!!!" 

1988: "THERE ARE TOO MANY PAY-PER-VIEWS NOW!" 

1987: "NWA IS REALLY BETTER!  WWF JUST USES BETTER MUSIC AND GOOD LIGHTING!" 

1986: "I WANT TO SEE WRESTLING, NOT SNAKES AND BIRDS!!!" 

1985: "THE WWF CARTOON IS SO *BIASED*, THEY MAKE IRON SHEIK AND NIKOLAI VOLKOFF 
LOOK LIKE FOOLS!" 

1984: "HOGAN CANNOT WRESTLE!  ALL HE DOES IS TEAR A SHIRT!" 

1983: "AFA MAKES SIKA DO ALL THE WORK!!!" 

1982: "THEY ARE *RUINING* THE CREDIBILITY OF THE ATOMIC DROP AS A FINISHER!" 

1981: "JOHNNY RODZ NEVER GETS ANY MIC TIME!" 

1980: "INOKI'S TITLE WIN SHOULD COUNT!  HERE'S WHY..." 

1979: "CABLE TV IS *RUINING* PRO WRESTLING!" 

1978: "GRAHAM HAS GOTTEN SO *LAZY* SINCE HE WON THE BELT!" 

1977: "I'M SO SICK OF SAMMARTINO VS GRAHAM, THEY NEED TO ELEVATE NEW TALENT!!!" 

1976: "(SAMMARTINO) A 40-YEAR-OLD CHAMP HAS NO CREDIBILITY!" 

1975: "THE RING LOOKS TOO BORING!  THEY NEED SOME RED, WHITE, AND BLUE ROPES!" 

1974: "THE HEART PUNCH IS THE WORST FINISHER EVER!!!" 

1973: "MORALES HAS JUMPED THE SHARK!" 

1972: "OH NO!  X-PAC WAS JUST BORN!" 

1971: "MORALES ONLY KNOWS FOUR MOVES!!!" 

1970: "THE WWWF GLASS CEILING IS HOLDING THE YOUNGER GUYS DOWN!" 

1969: "SAMMARTINO NEVER JOBS!!!" 

1968: "WHO (n.N.) ELSE IS SICK OF BRUNO?" 

1967: "WHY DO THE WWWF LEMMINGS WORSHIP SAMMARTINO?" 

1966: "ANOTHER EVIL FOREIGNER CHARACTER?  THEY NEED NEW WRITERS!" 

1965: "SAMMARTINO IS SO BORING!  PUNCH, PUNCH, STOMP, BACKBREAKER OF 
DOOOOOOOOOM!" 

1964: "VINCE: TIME TO GIVE UP THIS 'DEFECTION' ANGLE!" 

1963: "VINCE DIDN'T SCREW THESZ, THESZ SCREWED THESZ!" 

Neidhart Phones it in

Note : this post legit made the Wrestling "News" websites

From: "HeLLBoy"
Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2004 09:31:05 -0400 
Subject: Neidhart: Most Embarrasing Moment Was "WHO" 

NEIDHART: MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT WAS "WHO" 
      By: 1Wrestling.com 
      4/9/2004 1:38:24 AM 

From Ryan Hernalsteen 

Hey guys, Jim Neidhart phoned in to Mark and Walt in the Morning (our 
equivalent of Bob & Tom). I only caught the tail end because it was playing 
at work, and I got in late. He was pretty funny, and he seemed genuinely 
excited to be on the air. A brief recap of what I heard: 

- Favorite wrestling moment: Beating Demolition for the tag team titles. He 
said he feels that it's a night that's lived on with the fans for a long 
time. 

- Most embarassing wrestling moment: Having to wear a mask and portray the 
character "Who". He feels a lot of people still make jokes about it. 

He was pretty funny, and he did the signature "Yeah baby! Nyahahaha" laugh. 
According to Walt, he wouldn't leave his goatee alone, and kept insisting 
that Mark and Walt grow matching goatees. 

He closed the interview by plugging UWOWrestling.com, which is based in 
suburban Detroit. 



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