oyo1-7

Title: One Year Older
E-mail: "
Feedback: I'll send more fic if I get feedback...is this blackmail? HELL
YEAH!!!
Spoilers: Birthday...and everything leading up to it, I guess.
Summary: Cordelia's birthday brings heartache...
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Stranger Things Forum, possibly the Holywater site, my own
eventually when I get round to updating...
Disclaimer: Imagine a phone call, where I BEG Joss Whedon to give me the
characters...see, NOT mine, never gonna be mine...why would Joss Whedon EVER
take my phone call? Much less ever give me characters he's spent 6 years
cultivating and...get my point? NOT MINE!

______________________________________

He looked around the hotel, sombrely. It was hard to believe it could look this
depressing despite the lavish decorations that covered it's entirety. One year
older, she'd said this morning, a smile on her face. One year older and a whole
lot wiser. Bright blues and reds dotted the lobby, balloons reaching the
ceiling. Streamers everywhere, party hats strewn across the Hyperion, presents
unopened and...blood on the floor, a pain in Angel's heart.

***

"Ta-da!" Twirling round, she looked at Angel, "How do I look?" She'd asked, her
eyes meeting his.

Angel smiled, "Wonderful." Okay, add to that amazing, gorgeous, stunning...and
you had kinda close to what Angel felt. She wore a pale blue summer dress and
black sandals. He could remember so well her telling him he never noticed her
shoes. Seemed like he noticed everything about her these days. Yesterday, her
fingernails had been a different colour, her hair had been clipped up instead
of down round her face like it was now...Angel, was in love.

"Gettin' good at the compliment thing, huh Angel?" She'd teased, grinning at
him, pulling him back from his thoughts.

He'd simply smiled at her, "Promise you'll be gone the whole hour?"

"Please!" Said Cordelia, grinning, "You've given me money to go shopping with
on account of your forgetting my birthday last year AND the year before. The
chances of me coming back at all are slim." She teased.

"What? I...maybe Fred should go with you..." Said Angel, panicked, Cordelia?
Never coming back? That wouldn't be good.

"Relax." She laughed, "I'm joking. Besides, Fred's either playing ham in the
sandwich between Wes and Gunn, or babysitting Connor while you organise my
surprise."

Angel grinned at her, "Okay, have fun shopping." He smiled.

"Duh!" Called Cordelia as she left...

***

A hand on his shoulder jolted Angel out of his reverie, "This wasn't your
fault, Angel." Said Wesley quietly, watching his friend. Angel never spoke,
just looked up at the streamers on the ceiling, "One year older." He said
quietly.

"And nothing like a crappy greeting card from the Powers That Be that says
'hey, happy birthday, here's a few hundred visions' that are likely gonna kill
you..." Said Gunn bitterly, looking down at the floor.

Angel glared at him, "DON'T say that..." He growled.

"Why not, man? You heard what the Doctor said...a coma like this - no chance of
waking..." Said Gunn, brutally honest to a fault. A soul in need crying out for
help and the Powers That Be used Cordelia as their messenger. The visions were
Angel's. His, no-one elses. They'd help him towards his redemption - when what
good would it be anyway, without her there to share it?

"She'll wake up." Said Angel quietly.

"Why, because YOU say so? What are you gonna do? Fold time, maybe?" Yelled
Gunn, "Have an epiphany, KILL the Powers That Be? This is ALL your fault...if
you hadn't made her..."

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Fred stepped between the two men, her eyes red and puffy,
"You're NOT helping Cordelia here by arguing. You're not helping any of us - if
you cared about her at all you'd...you'd...I dunno what you'd do but it
WOULDN'T be this!" She yelled.

Gunn shrank back and looked at Angel apologetically, "Sorry..." He grumbled,
"Just can't believe Cordy's laid up and...ain't nothin' we can do about it..."

***

"SURPRISE!"

Cordelia yelped as her friends jumped out from behind the counter, dropping her
shopping bags immediately and looking round the hotel, "Wow!" She laughed,
"Oh...this is beautiful...oh!!!" Cordelia hugged her friends as they handed out
greeting cards to her, "This is wonderful!" She giggled happily. Angel beamed
as he stood back, "Open Angel's present first!" Gushed Fred, pointing towards
Angel and grinning.

Cordelia went over to him, taking the small box from him and reaching up,
kissing him softly, "Thanks Angel." She smiled. Angel nodded, worried in case
she didn't like the gift. When she opened the box, Cordelia gasped. The silver
necklace glinted in the comparative light of the hotel, the small diamonds
catching the light and painting pretty rainbow colours on the wall that Connor
seemed fascinated by. The pique of the necklace tapered in, surrounded by a
beautiful design that Cordelia had never seen before. "Where did you get this?"
She asked softly.

"My mother used to wear one." Said Angel, softly. "It's an old Irish folklore
tale but...wearing this is supposed to..."

Angel faltered for a second and Cordelia prompted him gently, "Supposed to
what?" She asked.

"Bring luck and good health to a mother." He whispered.

Cordelia gasped, "A-Angel?" She whispered, puzzled.

"Look on the back." He explained. On the back was an inscription, Cordelia
noticed, as she turned it over. "To Mommy, love Connor." She read, tears
welling up in her eyes.

***

"Angel, it wasn't your fault." Said Fred, but Angel wasn't listening.

***

Reaching up, she went to wrap her arms around his neck, to kiss him properly,
like she should. "I lov..."

And then it hit. Her scream pierced the silence of the hotel and Angel's
stomach knotted. "Cordelia." Her body tensed up, Angel caught her before she
slammed to the floor, her body convulsing over and over. He couldn't hold her.
Her body twisted out of his arms and crashed to the floor...Angel had never
hated the smell of blood so much, when he realised she'd cracked her head
open...nothing serious, well, not as serious as the vision that...should have
ended...

They waited for the vision to stop...until finally, Angel had to admit it.
Cordelia wasn't waking up...Wesley called an ambulance and they went to LA
General...

Angel stood back, numbly. Has she been taking anything? No. Allergic reaction?
No. What, then? They'd have had him committed had he told the real reason.
Pulling her records up they'd proclaimed it another psychotic episode. But this
time, she wasn't awake. Comatose. The convulsions had stopped of their own
accord and his Seer had slipped into...peace? Her own idea of Heaven perhaps?
His Cordelia was never waking up again...unless he did something.

***

"Angel, what are you doing?"

Angel wasn't even aware he'd moved...but he had. He'd crossed the room,
gathering ingredients for the spell to visit the Oracles. "I'll fix this." He
stated, leaving the hotel.

"Think he mighta just had an epiphany?" Asked Gunn quietly.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I come before the Oracles for Guidance and Direction, I beseech access to the
Knowing Ones..."

~~~~~~Part Two~~~~~

"What do you want, Lower Being." The man at the Oracles stood, glaring at
Angel disparagingly. The couple were new, having replaced the others that were
killed by Vocah - but the man, still obnoxious, was staring Angel down...

"My Seer." Said Angel, broken, "M-my friend...she's...she's..."

"She's visiting the Powers right now. This is not your concern."

Angel growled, "NOT my concern?" He asked, "NOT MY CONCERN? She's my best
friend..."

"And it isn't your concern. She must make the decision herself."

"Decision? What decision?" Asked Angel.

"I think you misunderstand." Replied the Woman, "This ISN'T your concern.
Your redemption...you must work for it. Demanding things from us does not earn
you points with the Powers That Be. Your Seer will be returned..." She paused,
"If she so wishes it."

Angel paled, "If she WISHES it? What do you mean?"

"Your question has been answered."

Angel was removed from the Chambers of the Oracles, left wondering what his
best friend was being offered...and indeed, if she would return...

* * * * *

"Kyerumption." Said Fred, sadly. "I was sure of it, and then I'd never *been*
more sure. And then they took her away from him."

"She'll be okay." Said Wesley softly, hoping that he was right.

Fred shook her head, "In Pylea, looking on the bright side was all I had.
Then, Angel saved me from the Monsters and I got...a new family. I still have
my old one but...I got a new one. And Cordelia was like my sister or...at
least a good friend. Now, she's...she's gone." Whispered Fred.

The door shut quietly, making Fred look up at her friend. "No Cordelia?" She
asked, softly.

Angel shook his head, "No Cordelia. They told me that I had to work for my
redemption...is this punishment?" He turned yellow, angry eyes on Wesley. "Is
this my punishment? Take something else from me that I love?"

"Angel. Calm down." Said Wesley, "Acting like this won't help us."

"I know what it is." Angel's voice was suddenly calm, "When I was happy with
Buffy, they took my soul away and now I'm happy with Cordelia they...they've
taken my life away." He said quietly, "They've taken her and I don't know how
to get her back."

"Maybe this isn't your fight, Angel. Did you ever think of that?" Asked Gunn,
"Maybe this is HER fight, something she has to do alone without having Hero Guy
rush in to save her every time."

"Are you jealous?" Asked Angel, coldly.

Gunn sighed, "No, I'm not jealous but...Angel, every time there's been a
problem, you've been there. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing I just
think...some stuff happens for a reason, y'know?"

"Like Alonna?"

Gunn's temper flared, "Take that back." He spat, jumping to his feet, ready to
fight his friend for that comment alone.

Angel looked at him, staring him down for a while before retreating, "I didn't
mean that." He said, honestly, "And maybe you're right...I just don't like the
idea of her fighting this thing alone."

"What would she do if you weren't here?" Asked Fred, gently, attempting a
timid smile.

Angel sighed.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Okay, I don't remember there being portals. There weren't any of Lorne's
relatives close at hand...and Fred wasn't speaking in any language other than
English...where the hell am I?" Muttered Cordelia, holding her head. The
blood trickled down the nape of her neck, making her wince.

"Good afternoon."

Cordelia turned at the voice, looking at an old woman who smiled at her.
"Uh...hey." Said Cordelia, "Where am I?"

"Where you are is not important." Said the woman, her voice soft. "Why you
are here is...the matter at hand."

Cordelia frowned, "Cryptic much? Why not tell me why and how I came to be here
and then let me go...I was kind of in the middle of something."

"Silence." The woman's voice stunned Cordelia into submission. So strong,
powerful. "You are a Seer, are you not?"

"I'm ALSO a person." Said Cordelia, frowning. "But yeah, I haben der sucky
visions...why am I here?"

The woman pointed at the door, "You have an appointment."

Cordelia sighed, stepping through it.

Skip looked at her and smiled, "Hey. You're Cordelia, right?" He asked.

"Y-yeah. I don't remember you though." Said Cordelia, looking at him and her
surroundings. "Where am I?"

Skip smiled, "I guess you've got loads of questions, huh?" He asked, "It'll
all be answered, if what we show you isn't enough to let you know what'll
happen."

Cordelia was puzzled, "What do you mean?"

* * * * * * * * * *

"Angel?" Wesley looked at his friend who was sitting there, head resting on
one hand. "What are you doing?" Asked the ex-Watcher. In his hand, Angel
held the box that Cordelia's necklace had been in. She lay in the hospital,
her hand wrapped around it - having been unable to wrench it from her grasp,
Angel had left it there.

"I've been thinking...without Cordy here...what do I do?" Asked Angel, numbly,
"I mean...we wait on her visions to guide us in who needs help and if...if
she's not here then, what? We do nothing?"

Wesley sighed, "Angel...Cordelia's visions help, but they aren't your
lifeline...there are other things you could be doing."

"You're right." Replied Angel, "But it's turned into something different. I
mean, before this...it was just save the damsel in distress, kill the demon,
big check in the slay column and then, next vision. But now...it's turned
into, killing these things as fast as I can so Cordelia won't hurt and...I'm
not sure where I should go next. The visions aren't my lifeline. She is."

"What are you saying?" Wesley regarded his friend with a pensive look, "If
something should happen to Cordelia you'd give up everything
you've...everything we've worked for?"

Shaking his head, Angel met Wesley's eyes, "I wouldn't give it up. I just
wouldn't see the point anymore." He said quietly.

* * * * * * * * * *

"You know how much he relies on your visions?"

"And on me." Said Cordelia, frowning. "That's NOT why he cares about me."
She said, shaking her head, looking at Skip.

"Did I say that?" Asked Skip, softly, wondering if this was indeed Cordelia's
own insecurities coming to the front.

"He'd do anything for me. He's proved that." Said Cordelia, standing tall.

"I know. But this time, it's what you're willing to do for yourself."

"And again, I say, Cryptic Much?" Cordelia shook her head, "What's going on?"

Skip watched Cordelia for a second, the brunette was slightly nervous, but more
angry he would wager. Angry at being taken from her family. "What's the one
thing in your life you could live without?"

Cordelia was a little puzzled by the question, but answered honestly, "Angel
being punished for things he's already paid for." She said simply, maintaining
eye contact with Skip.

"What about the visions?"

"What about them?" Asked Cordelia, "They're a part of who I am, a part of what
helps Angel. I could live without the pain, yeah, but not the visions. Angel
needs them." The second the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.
She knew Angel needed her too, he'd proven that only minutes
earlier...or...however long ago it was she'd left the Hyperion, it felt like
months.

Skip avoided her eyes, "Visions are meant for those with something to atone
for. Always a good person, never evil...or should I amend that to...a good
demon, one who keeps the balance."

"I don't understand." Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I'm not a demon...I do
have things to atone for but...I'm not a demon."

"Precisely." Said Skip quietly.

Cordelia paled. "What are you saying, the visions are being taken from me
because I'm not a demon?" She asked, "That's...that's...humanism!"

"You misunderstand." Said Skip, "They're giving you the choice of whether you
wish to keep the visions or not."

"You heard me." Said Cordelia, "I wouldn't give them up. I said it in the
other dimension, I'll say it here AGAIN too. I won't give up the visions."

Skip sighed, "And what if you *had* to?"

"Had to?"

"Had to."

"Why would I have to?" She asked quietly.

"Surely you've noticed that the strain the visions is putting you under is
taking its toll?" Asked Skip.

"Well...sure...but...I mean, they're not killing me, right?"

Skip stayed silent.

"They're killing me?" Asked Cordelia, her voice hushed to a whisper. "What's
my choice then?" She asked, "You said they're giving me the choice of whether
I keep the visions, so...I just go back to Angel, visionless and fancy free?"
She looked down at her hand. In it, she held the necklace Angel had given
her...she squeezed it for comfort and looked up at Skip as he spoke...

"Not exactly..."

~~~Part Three~~~~

"Where are you going?" Wesley rounded the corner just as Angel was about to
leave the hotel, "The hospital?"

Angel shook his head, "I'll go there later..."

"What about now, Angel? What's going on?" Fear and trepidation filled the
ex-Watcher's senses as he stared at his friend, "ANGEL!"

Broken out of his reverie, Angel turned, "Patrol." He said quietly, "I'm going
on patrol. I have to do something...I have to *hit* something. I can't sit
around here and wait for...God only knows what."

Wesley sighed, nodding, "Be careful."

"Always am."

When Angel turned and left, Fred came out of the office, shaking her head,
"Where's he going?" She asked.

"Patrol."

"Patrol?"

Wesley nodded again, "I think he thinks that he should be out there...doing
something or...hitting something at least."

Fred nodded, "I get that...I could use something to hit myself."

Wesley watched her for a second and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around
her, "She'll be alright..."

"But what if she's not?"

* * * * *

"Angelus...fancy seeing you here." The vampire dropped the young girl he'd
been feeding from. She could have been no more than 19 or 20.

"The name's Angel." He growled.

"Ah, yes, vampire with a soul - working with *humans*..." Spat the vampire,
distastefully, "You should be staked for that alone."

"Try me."

As quickly as the vampire stepped forward, the stake was imbedded in his chest.
Angel stood for a while, just staring at the dust that swirled around him in
the night air. Slowly, he sat down on the cement floor of the back alley,
burying his face in his hands. He didn't cry. Wasn't sure that he could, just
sat there for a while, staring at nothing, wondering what his life would be
witout her...

* * * * *

"How can you ask me this?" Asked Cordelia, quietly, clutching the necklace so
hard she thought she might snap it.

"It would be unfair not to give you the choice."

"It's unfair GIVING me the choice!" Yelled Cordelia, "You can't honestly stand
there and say to me either I die with the visions or I give them up and I lose
Angel." She shook her head, turning away from Skip.

"You have nothing to atone for."

"Yes, I do." Said Cordelia.

Skip shook his head, "Are you taking on his redemption or your own?"

Cordelia frowned, "I want to go home." She said quietly.

"I don't think you understand. If you keep the visions, you die."

"And I don't think you understand what you're asking me." Said Cordelia,
softly, "You're asking me to give up my fri...you're asking me to give up my
family. How can I give them up?"

"I could show you." Said Skip, looking at Cordelia.

"Show me what?"

"What your life would be like..."

"I don't want to see it." Said Cordelia, shaking her head.

"But maybe you need to...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ms. Chase." Cordelia stood, watching as a maid came into view, "Ms. Chase,
he's here..."

There she was. Her future self maybe? Standing, what *had* to be Gucci
clothes of some kind, draped across her body. Even Cordelia had to admit she
looked glamourous. Cordelia watched as...who was she? Should she call her Me?
Or...Me Over There or...

Okay, so she watched. She watched as her future self crossed to the door, a
barrage of friends walking through - and tears slid down Cordelia's cheeks as
she realised that this was just like High School, before Buffy and Xander.
Having everyone clamouring around you *just* to be in the popular zone and not
caring what you thought or felt, not really anyway. So long as they could do
the same as you did to look cool, then it was all okay. Cordelia closed her
eyes, "I've seen enough." She said quietly.

Skip glanced at her, "You've made your decision then?"

"Send me home, visions and all."

"But..."

"You heard what I said." Said Cordelia quietly, "I choose Angel. I choose the
visions. I choose my friends. How long do I have left with them?"

"A couple of years, five at most."

"Then it's better than nothing." Said Cordelia, "I'd rather have the next five
years of my life *knowing* I belong somewhere, belong *with* somebody. Than
have nothing...than have people who pretend to be my friend. I want to go
home."

Skip sighed, "Once you make this decision, you can never turn back."

Cordelia nodded, "I'd never want to." She said honestly.

* * * * * * * *

She woke up in the hospital, still clinging to the necklace Angel had given her
and when she looked down, he sat, his head in his hands. "It would have been
better seeing your face when I woke up." She said, softly.

Angel's head snapped up, "Cordelia! A-are you alright...you're
alright...right? I mean...what happened?" He asked, panicked.

Cordelia smiled, "Nothing." She said softly, "Nothing happened, I'm fine...can
we go home?"

~~~Part Four~~~

"Maybe we should turn this birthday party into a Welcome Home Party." Said
Gunn, smiling as Cordelia walked through the door, on Angel's arm.

Cordelia looked down at him and grinned, "Does that mean I get more presents?"

"Where were you?" Asked Fred, coming up the steps to hug her friend. "I
mean...what were you doing?"

Cordelia forced a smile onto her face, "Nothing...that vision just knocked it
out of me, that's all. Angel had all the tests done and everything, make sure
my brain wasn't fried and...I'm fine."

"You've said that already." Said Angel.

Cordelia ignored him. Her friends laughed and joked with her, all but Angel,
spending the next twenty minutes letting Cordelia open her presents, until
Wesley caught the pensive look on Angel's face as he stared at the young woman
before him. "Uhm...how about Ice Cream?"

"Oh, we have some in the refri..."

"No, we don't." Interrupted Wesley, glancing apologetically at Fred, "Come
on...a party wouldn't be a party without ice cream."

He stood at the door, waiting for Gunn. "Gunn!" He hissed.

"What, you need an escort to the Ice Cream parlour?"

Wesley, almost discreetly, gestured to Angel and Cordelia, when Gunn stood up,
nodding, "Sure, wouldn't trust you with a big job like getting ice cream..."

Cordelia giggled as the sound of, "Ha, bloody, ha..." Filtered back through
into the office. She glanced over at Angel, "Okay, Grrr guy, spill." She said
simply, "You have something face and by the looks...it's not something nice."

"What happened?" He asked again.

"I already told you, NOTHING HAPPENED. Jeez, I can't say it any more clearer
than that."

"You're lying to me."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"ARE TOO!"

"Am no...Angel, I'm not playing this dumb little game with you, nothing
happened."

"Cordelia..." His voice was low, dangerous, something was wrong - he could
tell, it was radiating from her in waves and it actually hurt that she wouldn't
tell him what the problem was.

Reaching up, Cordelia nervously fingered the necklace, "Nothing happened." She
whispered, her voice hushed.

Angel placed a hand on her shoulder, nervously, "Is it really that bad?" He
asked quietly.

Cordelia turned away from him, tears sliding down her cheeks. "No it's..." Her
breath caught in her throat, a loud sob escaping from her mouth.

"What did you do?" Asked Angel, fear twisting his gut. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He
yelled.

"I CHOSE YOU!" She whirled round on him and shook her head, "I CHOSE YOU! I
was given the option and I chose you!"

Angel stared at her, "You chose me over what?" He asked quietly. Tears were
dripping down her cheeks, "Don't." She said, shaking her head, "Don't make
this out to be a bad decision or a mistake. Because it isn't."

"What happened?" Angel's voice was devoid of all emotion, if he was human, his
heart would surely be beating ninety to the dozen right now, his pulse
racing...he was sure that his chest was tightening with every unneeded breath
he took. She'd chosen him...normally, it might have made him happy...but what
exactly had she chosen him over?

"They...remember Skip? Skip said he knew you." Cordelia sat down, numbly.
She'd promised herself she'd stay strong, not tell anyone of her decisions.

"Yeah, I know Skip." Said Angel, numbly.

"Well...he gave me the choice. If...if I kept the visions...I'd be able to
stay with you." She whispered.

He didn't want to ask this, "And if you gave them up?"

"I'd get varicose veins, lose my sight and get to draw my crappy Pension State
Fund..." She muttered.

Angel looked at her, puzzled, "What?"

"Angel, please, don't..." She pleaded, "Don't make me say it when you already
know."

"Don't make you say what?"

"Are you always this dumb?" She asked quietly, "You *know* what I'm talking
about."

Annoyed, Angel pulled her up by the arms, making her look at him, "WHAT DID YOU
DO?"

She pushed him away, forcefully, "I'm dying!" She yelled, "HAPPY NOW? These
stupid sucky visions that I didn't even ask for in the first place are killing
me! In five years, I'm gonna be dead! They gave me the choice of giving them
up and I said NO, I chose YOU! I could give them up if I forfeited my memories
of you and I didn't want to!"

Angel stumbled. He actually fell against his desk. "Wh-what? Why would you
do that?" He asked, his eyes ablaze with anger, "You chose ME over your own
life?" He growled. "WHY?"

Cordelia shook her head, "You don't even get it, do you?" She asked. "My
whole damned life I've only ever fit in ONE place, Angel, ONE. And that's
here, with you. In Sunnydale, I was the Rich Bitch, Queen of Mean and nobody
GOT that that whole thing was just a front. Here...here I'm..." Cordelia
started to cry, "I'm Cordy." She whispered, "She makes sense to me. She's the
me that...in Sunnydale, I only ever let one person have a glimpse of and he
ended up trampling all over her. Angel, how can I give up my family, my
friends, when I just found you?" She asked sadly.

"You're going to." Said Angel, grabbing her by the arm and frog-marching her
to the door, "I WON'T have you dying, not for me, I'm not worth it." He
growled.

Cordelia pulled away from him again, "Even if I want to - I can't take it
back!" She yelled.

Angel reached out and pulled her towards him, his game face sliding on, "Am I
worth it?" He growled, sickly yellow eyes boring into hers.

"Stop it..." She whispered.

"Am I? Am I worth it knowing that at any day I could snap...and kill you
anyway..."

"Stop it!" Said Cordelia, more forcefully.

"Is he worth it? Angelus? Think carefully, Cordelia..." He spat.

"YOU'RE NOT HIM!" Cordelia punched him, hard, making his human face slide back
on. "You're Angel! GRRR face or not, you're Angel! You'll always BE Angel!"
She yelled.

Angel shrank back. "Why?" He whispered, "Why would you choose me over you?"

"Because I'm as selfish as you all think I am." She whispered, tears sliding
down her cheeks.

"What?" Angel looked at her as she sagged back against the counter, her
shoulders slumped forward, defeatedly.

"Because I'm as selfish as you all think I am." She repeated, "I didn't do
this for you, Angel. I did it for me. Because...I'd rather have another 5
years of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special...and you, my friends, my
family...I can't live without."

Angel closed his eyes and shook his head, "Cordelia...please...don't do this.
Take it back..."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

~~~Part Five~~~

"Vanilla." Wesley looked up at Fred who had spoken one word...who was staring
at the puddle of ice cream on the floor.

"What?" He asked.

"Vanilla." Said Fred again, "I've been thinking of types of ice cream, what
kind I am. I'm vanilla. Plain, normal...plain."

Wesley sighed, "Yes, but a favourite." He said softly. The friends were
hushed, Cordelia was in the office, talking and occasionally yelling at Angel
when he yelled at her.

"Cordelia's...Chocolate Chip."

Gunn looked at her, "How come?"

"Because...it's already pretty...but if you look closer, you see all the bits
that you can only see if you're given the chance to get close...it's those bits
that make her special." Tears welled up in Fred's eyes, "How can...how can she
be dying? This is Cordelia."

* * * * * *

"Cordelia, please..." Begged Angel, a strained look on his face, "Please, take
it back..."

"I've told you, I can't." Said Cordelia, gently.

The door opened, Fred came bounding down the steps, a large tub of Raspberry
Ripple ice cream in her arms, "Hey, we got Rasp..." Her voice caught in her
throat. Cordelia had been crying - mascara running down her cheeks. Angel
looked as if his world had been taken away from him. The tub of ice cream
crashed to the floor, slipping from Fred's hands. "What?" She whispered,
"What's going on?"

Cordelia rubbed her eyes tiredly, "I...I have something to tell you guys."

Wesley, who had come in after Fred along with Gunn, felt his jaw tighten,
"What's wrong?"

Cordelia closed her eyes, "I...I was given a gift." She whispered. "I was
given a family. I was given friends, and a son. And then, I was given the
opportunity to give it all up in exchange for the one thing that...they
see...as the bane of my life."

"The visions?" Asked Wesley, knowing the answer before he even asked it.

Cordelia nodded and opened her eyes, "The visions." She said softly. "They
told me that..."

"Are you dying?" Gunn's question took Cordelia off guard, but she met his eyes
nonetheless and shook her head, "Not today." She whispered, "Not tomorrow...or
next week. I have time...I have my family, that's all I need."

"We knew." Whispered Fred, "We could see they were wearing you down...you knew
too..."

Cordelia sighed, "I guess I did know. I guess I just didn't know how much."
Putting her head down, Cordelia let the tears fall. "I'm sorry." She
whispered, "I didn't want to tell you guys...it would have been easier if..."

"If what? You dealt with this alone?" Wesley walked across to her and wrapped
his arms around her, "You would never have had to deal with this alone." He
said softly but sternly, "We're in this together, we're a family."

"You can't take it back?" Asked Fred, her eyes meeting Cordelia's.

Cordelia shook her head, "I couldn't even if I wanted to."

"How long?"

"Five years..." She lied. Why make them feel worse than they already did?
"Look, I know you guys are angry at me but...this was my choice. I made it
because it was the right thing to do."

"You dying is the right thing to do? Explain to me how that works." Said
Gunn, frowning.

"Because I get to stay with you guys. I get to spend the rest of my life with
you."

"Wow, all five years." Gunn wouldn't look up, wouldn't meet any of his friends
eyes.

"Cordelia, we'll find a cure. There must be something...perhaps, if we were to
take..."

"NO. You aren't taking the visions." Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I'm
not giving them away, I won't."

"Why?"

"Because." She said simply.

"Because of Doyle?" This was the first Angel had spoke since his friends had
returned. "Because he could deal with them? Cordelia, he was a demon and..."

"So!" Yelled Cordelia, "What, I get punished because I'm not a demon..."

"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" Yelled Angel, "Don't you get that?"

"I get it..." She whispered, "But I don't care. Skip showed me, what my life
was like and you know what it was?" She asked, her voice breaking. "High
School all over again, Cordelia the Rich Bitch, friends that only cared because
they were in the popular zone not because of me. How could I give up what I
had?" She asked.

"Because you're DYING!"

"Angel, it doesn't matter how many times you say it...it probably isn't going
to sink in, not just yet but...I'll always know."

"Always know what?" Asked Fred, her voice hushed.

"That I made the right decision." Tears dripped onto her shirt, "I'm sorry."
She whispered, "I love you guys...I wasn't willing to give you up."

* * * * * *

It was funny how silence could seem so loud. So deafening. They sat inches
and worlds apart, neither saying a word, unable to. Angel could hear Fred,
Wesley and Gunn - unsure whether enhanced vampiric hearing was a blessing or
not. "How much do you hate me right now?" Her soft voice broke into Angel's
reverie and he looked at her.

"Cordelia, I..."

"Do you realise that's probably the first time you've used that?"

"What?"

"My full name." She smiled softly - and Angel hated her for it. How could she
keep smiling? How could she pretend everything was fine when their world had
fallen into a tailspin?

"I don't hate you." He whispered, shaking his head. "It's impossible to hate
someone you love so much. Cordelia I...I always thought I'd outlive you." He
said softly, meeting her eyes. "I always knew that you and the others wouldn't
be here forever. But..."

Cordelia sighed, "Angel, you don't have to say this...I know..."

"No, you don't." He shook his head, "You really don't. I always knew I'd
outlive you. I expected it. Doyle was..." Angel met her eyes, "How can I wake
up every morning without you here? How can I go through the day without you
yelling at me because I'm brooding? Or because I have pensive face?
Cordelia...the visions...I don't care about them. If you're not here, my
redemption means..."

"Everything." Cordelia interrupted. "Angel, I won't let you give this up.
You've worked too long and too hard for it."

"Why aren't you mad at me? You're dying because of me." He said, shaking his
head. "You should be mad at me."

"Yeah, well, I'm a great humanitarian..." She smiled, raising her eyebrows.

Angel shook his head, "It hasn't sunk in yet, has it?" He asked softly.

Cordelia nodded, "Right again, broody..." She smiled, "I'm okay though...I'm
okay."

"But you haven't accepted it?"

Cordelia shrugged, "I just...want to make sure you guys will be okay without
me."

He couldn't lie. He couldn't lie to her - and yet he couldn't bring himself to
tell her the truth either. Angel put his head down...his mind going back to
almost a year ago...

** ** ** **

"I-I saw the light at the end of the tunnel - that some day I might become
human. That light was so bright, I thought I was already out."

Cordelia sat down next to him with a sigh, "Yeah, we all got a little cocky,
didn't we? It's gonna be a long while until you work your way out. But I know
you well enough to know you *will*. And I'll be with you until you do."

"What about your inevitable stardom?" Asked Angel, a small smile on his face.

"I'm not saying I won't have a day job."

** ** ** **

Angel looked at her and shook his head, pulling her into his arms. "I'm
sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry..."

Cordelia cried.

~~~~Part Six~~~~

"How is she?" Asked Wesley, glancing at his friend. Angel looked up from the
book he was reading, "It sank in a little while ago." He said quietly, "While
she was feeding Connor..."

"And?"

"And what?"

Wesley shook his head, "Has she...is she going to try and take back her
decision?"

Angel's eyes darkened, "No." He said quietly, "I wish she would, Wes, really I
do. I don't want to see her die...but..."

"Either way we lose Cordelia." Said the Ex-Watcher, gently, "At least this
way, we get more time with her."

"Is it selfish?" Asked Angel.

Wesley nodded, "Yes. But we're all thinking the same way
unfortunately...anything in the book?"

Angel shook his head sombrely, "Nothing." He said, "Nothing at all. Don't
even mention visions..."

"Try this one." Angel was tossed another book by Wesley, "We'll find
something."

* * * * * * * * * *

The rain slammed at the window panes, making Cordelia wince. Rain. Fitting
weather. She was dying. Dying. She was 20 years old and dying. She didn't
blame Angel for it, had made sure he *knew* that. Made sure that when she
asked to be alone he knew that she wasn't pushing him away. Her eyes drifted
over to her son, asleep, next to her on the bed. Cordelia sighed. "I love
you..." She whispered, "I love your Daddy too...even if he's a dork sometimes."

In the doorway, stood Fred, watching her. "Can...can I come in?" She asked.

Cordelia nodded and sat up, "Sure."

"I...I wanted to ask you something."

"Fire away."

"A-are you scared? Because I'm scared for you and I'm not the one
who's...well, y'know..."

Cordelia shook her head, "I'm not scared."

"You're not?"

"No."

"You're much, much braver than me...how can you not be scared?"

"Well..." Cordelia thought for a second, "I don't remember coming into this
world." She said softly, "So I probably won't remember going out of it..."

"That makes sense." Said Fred, nodding.

"Aren't you angry?"

"A little."

"At Angel?"

"No."

"Doyle?"

"No."

"Who then?"

"No one, not really." Said Cordelia, "I'm a little angry because...I won't get
to see him grow up." She gestured to Connor, "I'm angry because...I shouldn't
have told you."

"Why?"

"Because now you all hurt."

"Were those people in Sunnydale stupid? Or blind?"

"Ye...what?"

"Well...they all said you were selfish...that girl, Buffy, the one Angel loved
ages ago...she said you were selfish."

"Buffy said I was selfish?"

"Yeah, a long time ago. She said you'd changed."

"Buffy said I'd CHANGED?"

"Yeah. She said you were good for Angel."

"BUFFY SAID I WAS GOOD FOR ANGEL?"

"Why are you repeating everything I'm saying?"

"Oh...sorry...just..." Cordelia shook her head, "Can't believe Buffy said
that..."

Fred smiled, "Well, she did. I didn't know you back then but...I like you
now." She said softly, "You're kind of like my big sister..."

"I like you too." Cordelia smiled, "And you're kinda like the...not so
annoying little sister I never had."

Fred smiled, "Can Gunn come in and talk to you?"

Cordelia nodded, "Sure."

Fred left and smiled at Gunn on the way out, "She's okay..." She whispered.

Entering the room, Gunn had to see for himself, "Hey Barbie..."

"If I wasn't currently tangled in bedsheets, I'd *so* kick your ass." She
grinned.

Gunn studied her face for a while and sat down on the bed next to her,
"Y'know...if you wanna...take your frustrations out on someone, I'm here..."

"Uhm...as much as I...uhm...love you...I don't really wanna
get...y'know...groiny with you..."

"I meant if you wanted to hit me!" Laughed Gunn, shaking his head.

Cordelia shook her head, "I don't want to hurt you." She said, a mischevious
glint in her eyes.

"Like you could! One hit from me and you'd snap, Stick Figure Barbie..." Gunn
laughed again, thinking it was actually nice seeing her smile.

Cordelia smiled sweetly, "Bite me."

* * * * *

"It's been a few month now, since I told them." Said Cordelia, clutching the
phone to her ear, "But...every so often, I catch him staring at me."

"Let me guess, the look?"

Cordelia smiled, "The look."

"The Brooding 'I'm So Sorry' look."

"Yeah...I hate seeing him like that."

"I know...it's hard."

"Hardest."

"How about you though...are you okay?" Asked Buffy softly. "Uhm...any visions
darkening your day?"

"Just one. Head splitting...Angel wanted to stay, I wouldn't let him."

"Think they'll find a cure?" Asked Buffy, twirling the phone cord round her
fingers. She and Cordelia had talked a few times on the phone. Once face to
face when Buffy had gone to LA.

"I'm not sure. Trying not to get my hopes up too much..."

"I guess that's the sensible thing to do...Cordelia?"

"What?"

"I'm glad, you know..."

"Of what?"

"That you...that you can talk to me...I mean, I know we weren't friends in
Sunnydale and...yeah, your being with Angel bothered me a little bit...and the
whole Connor thing I don't think I'll ever get...but...I'm glad."

"So am I...it's nice to have someone that I can talk to about this
stuff...someone *else* I mean."

"How are the others?"

"Okay...I hear Fred crying sometimes, but she never lets me see. And Gunn does
the hard man act that...I still can't break through. I think he's kinda angry
at Angel still."

"Still?"

"Yeah...they haven't argued in front of me but...they've argued...it's kinda
hard being in the same room as them..."

"Animosity high, huh?"

"Highest." Cordelia shook her head, "How's Xander and Spike getting along?"

Buffy groaned, "Don't even get me STARTED on those two. They can't even BE in
the same room together without bitching...I wish they'd just kill each other
and be done with it."

"Did Xander go for the whole 'Spike being the Best Man' thing?"

"Well, it was either him, or Willy the Snitch. Xander's male friend numberage
is kinda on the low front."

"What about Oz?"

"I think...not...everything that's happening with Tara and Willow would just
complicate even more..."

"Still bad, huh?" Asked Cordelia.

Buffy sighed, "You must think I'm such a bitch...talking about this stuff..."

"No...it's...nice."

"Nice?"

"Yeah, it means I don't have to think of anything else..." Cordelia's sentence
was cut short as Angel burst into the office clutching yet another book, "We
have it!" He yelled, "We have it!"

Cordelia dropped the phone in fright, "Damnit Angel, you have WHAT?"

"Your cure."

~~~~Part Seven~~~

"Give me a second?" The request was simple. She needed a moment alone.
"Buffy?" Picking up the phone, Cordelia apologised, "Listen, I'm gonna have to
call you back, okay?"

"What? Cordelia, is everything..."

She hung up. Cordelia watched as Angel left and sat down at the desk for a
couple of seconds. They had a cure. A cure. Breathing in and out deeply,
Cordelia's last breath was one she sucked in and held. ~It'sgonnawork,
it'sgonnawork...~

Hopeful eyes turned on the pretty brunette as she stepped out of the office.
"Hey." She said softly.

"We...we have a cure." Fred spoke up before anyone else did.

"I heard." Cordelia chose her words carefully, she didn't want to hurt her
friends, but she didn't want to accept this if it...if it was something she
didn't want.

"Don't you want it?"

"It's not that, it's just..."

"You need to know the details." Said Wesley, nodding, "That's
understandable..."

Cordelia nodded, sitting down in a chair and looking at him. "So...details?"
She asked softly.

"When Doyle...died..." Wesley's voice was soft, soothing, he didn't want to
cause his friend pain over her own friends death. "He passed the visions onto
you, through a kiss."

"That didn't work...I even tried kissing Barney to get rid of them." She said,
distastefully.

"The...Purple Dinasour?" Asked Fred, a little stunned. "You tried to give a
purple dinasour visions?"

Angel smiled, "Barney was an empathic demon."

"Oh..." Said Fred, blushing slightly.

"There's a chance that, this mightn't work." Continued Wesley, softly,
kneeling next to Cordelia, his hand placed over hers, comforting. "When Doyle
died...he kissed someone that, by all accounts, he was in love with. His gift
in death was the greatest thing he had in life to the person he already loved.
It made sense that perhaps, he passed them to you, his...soulmate..."

Cordelia's eyes filled with tears. "His...soulmate?"

"It seems that way. By all accounts...these things are not easy to pass..."

"So, I have to be dying, I have to have a soulmate...and I have to give them
up? I...I can't. I can't give them up. Not to someone else." Cordelia shook
her head, "I'm sorry..."

"Cordelia, wait." Angel had studied her face intently the whole time,
wondering what she'd say to the news of Doyle, of what she'd been told. "We've
found something else."

"What? That this is some part of a Prophecy that *I* must take part in?
Com-shukking with a less-than-gorgeous demon and handing my visions over?"

"You thought Groo was gorgeous?" Asked Angel, suddenly jealous.

"Way to stay focused, man." Accused Gunn. "Cor, listen to Wes...please?"

Cordelia sighed, "I'm listening."

"We don't know when or...where...you'll...uhm...actually..." Wesley stopped.

"Wesley, you can say it." Said Cordelia gently.

"Actually...I can't..." He said apologetically. Cordelia looked at him and
smiled, gently. "It's okay..."

"We can never know for sure when it's going to happen." He said, "We found
something...that...it isn't normal. It doesn't involve you becoming demon. It
doesn't involve giving up the visions completely but it *does* involve you
sacrificing something."

"And...what's that?"

"Your...well, your freedom, basically."

"HUH?"

"I've examined all the texts and tomes I could find. This is our best chance
at...at...well..."

"Keeping me alive? But...how?"

"Do you love Angel?"

"What?"

"Do you?"

Cordelia nodded, "Of course I do."

"Are you *in* love with him?"

"Yes." She met his eyes.

Wesley smiled, "You've already given up life for him." He said gently.

Turning to Angel, Wesley spoke, "Are you *in* love with Cordelia?"

"Yes."

"So much you'd be willing to lose your soul? Enough for...perfect happiness?"

Angel nodded. "Yes."

Cordelia winced, slightly taken aback though, "P-perfect happiness?" She
whispered.

Angel, sitting next to her, took her hand in his own. "If we do this...it
means, sharing the visions. You won't lose them, you'd be sharing them, with
me."

"I don't understand..." Cordelia was puzzled, "How...?"

"Do you believe in soulmates?" Asked Angel, looking at her. "The souls...they
have to be compatible, have to be certain that they could stay...joined."

"Joined?" Cordelia looked at him, "Like...how?"

Angel looked at her, "We'd...make love." He said, his voice hushed to a
whisper. "And right after, before I lose my soul, I'd feed from you. Not
enough to kill you...or hurt you seriously...but enough. We'd mix our blood
together and both drink and the bond would be formed. You wouldn't become a
vampire...or even demon. But the visions would be shared..."

Cordelia gasped, "But...your soul! Angel...no!"

Shaking his head, Angel placed a hand upon her cheek, "You'd be my anchor to
this world. As long as there was an us, my soul would be anchored. Angelus
couldn't return. I'd share your visions, only..."

"Only what?" Asked Cordelia, quietly.

"You'd have my memories, as I would have yours. It won't just be our souls
that are joined. It would be our minds, our hearts...our spirits."

* * * * *

"I wonder what's going on in there." Said Fred, softly.

Wesley shook his head, "This is a big step, for the two of them..."

* * * * *

"We have to be certain, that our souls are compatible." Said Angel, "But I
know that, I've never loved anything more than I have than the woman I see
before me. I never believed in, meant for each other...until now. Until I see
you, sitting before me, chewing nervously on a nail...and yet still smiling.
That smile."

Cordelia was puzzled, "Angel, I'm frowning."

"Not that smile. The one behind your eyes. The light. It's like a permanent
smile. I know I love you. I know that...that I could NEVER wish for someone
better. If you don't want to do this, I understand but..."

"I do. But I'm scared." A look of fear shone in Cordelia's eyes, "What if it
doesn't work? You'll give everything up for me? What about your Shanshu?"

Angel smiled, "The day that comes, you'll be by my side, remember?" He asked,
"You promised. It'll still come. Only I'll be happier, because you're here."

"Won't it seem a little clynical? Saying we *have* to...uhm...get groiny with
one another..."

"No." Said Angel gently, "Because...I get to wake up with you. And when I do?
We have the rest of our lives...together. I love you, Cordelia Chase and I'm
not willing to give that up."

Angel stared at her, drinking in her scent, her warmth, "If you need some
time...to think about it..."

Cordelia nodded, "I do." She whispered, reaching up and hugging him. "Angel,
thank you."

"For what?"

"Offering. Understanding. Being here."

"You don't have to thank me."

"Yes. I do." She whispered. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here at
all. And I don't mean the predicament I'm in, before you get all broodworthy
on me again." Said Cordelia, "I mean, for being my friend, for...loving me."

Angel smiled, "My pleasure. Really." Gently, he pressed his lips down on
hers. "Cordelia?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Angel smiled. "Always?"

"And always."

He pulled away then, and shooting her one last smile, he left the office...

* * * * *

"How is she?"

"Okay...I think...she'll go for this..." Said Angel, tentatively.

"Really?"

Angel nodded and smiled. "Really." He said softly.