It only happened once in awhile when they both were drinking. Any other time they were just best friends. All of the guys were really careful to not let Lance and Justin both get drunk at the same time unless they were in a safe area. A safe area was where no reporters or fans could see them. They had learned over the years to make sure of these preparations before Lance and Justin got past their second drink, because after nothing could stop them.
It started when they were in Europe and Chris, JC and Joey had snuck some alcohol back to the hotel to initiate Justin and Lance into the group. The older members had figured they would get their younger band mates drunk to start them into the life of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Of course the only drugs they would allow the babies was alcohol and they were more pop than rock and roll, but you took what you could get. Justin was on his second drink and Lance was on his third when the looks between them began. At first they were subtle glances which could be brushed off, but soon they were exchanging heated glances the three older members could not ignore. They didn’t really try to stop them though, after all this could be great blackmail material when they were sober.
The glances soon turned into touches. Justin was the first to reach out and touch Lance’s thigh. It could have been seen as an innocent touch until his hand started to wander. Lance was soon touching Justin in a similar way as the other guys looked on in disbelief.
“Dance with me?” Lance’s deep voice broke the silence which had enveloped the room. Justin nodded and was soon plastered from shoulder to knee with Lance. What they did could barely be called dancing. Chris would later describe it as foreplay and JC and Joey would just nod their head in agreement. Dancing was as far as it went the first night, but other nights followed where they became more and more bold.
* * * * *
It was the night they settled the lawsuit it was taken farther than either ever thought it would go. The five of them were staying at Chris’ place celebrating their victory and they were all passed the point of feeling any pain. Chris and Joey were sprawled on the floor with JC in a side chair and Justin and Lance curled on the couch starting their ritual touching.
By this time their band mates were used to the affectionate displays and just looked past them until hands started straying under clothing. At first it was Lance’s fingers caressing Justin’s back just under his shirt and Justin’s tongue dipping into Lance’s t-shirt. It was escalated when Lance started to push the shirt up Justin’s back to get easier access. When Justin tore Lance’s shirt to get access to Lance’s nipples, Lance upped the stakes by pulling Justin’s shirt off and starting on his pants. Joey, Chris and JC’s attention was suddenly drawn to the youngsters as they noticed clothing was suddenly disappearing under busy hands.
With quick looks passed between them, the three older men decided to sit back and see where this new development took their band mates. If nothing else they figured it was like getting free porn, something none of them was willing to pass up. The fact it included their two youngest members who were both men was not a problem. They all appreciated the beauty of the two youngsters and had no problem with what could happen between them.
* * * * *
Justin’s mouth was firmly attached to Lance’s right nipple as he stripped Lance of his pants and boxers with a skill which amazed his older band mates. Justin’s clothes had been removed and Lance was diving his hands into the younger man’s blonde curls while trying to get Justin’s lips to meet his own. There was a brief struggle for control before Lance took over and pushed Justin’s body to the sofa cushions roughly following with his own. Their lips pressed together in an erotic war, their tongues fighting back and forth. Neither noticed the three men just a couple of feet away shifting around in an attempt to alleviate the pressure forming between their legs.
Seconds later, Justin was bucking his hips up to meet Lance’s and shimmying as they met. Cocks pressing together, lips and tongues battling. The two set a fast pace focused only upon the pleasure they were giving each other. Strangely, although both were drunk on alcohol and sex, they were both highly aware of the other’s needs and strove to satisfy their partner as well as themselves. The only thing heard in the hotel room was moans from the pair on the sofa and gasps from the three men enthralled by the scene before them.
Skin was soon slick with the sweat of exertion. This was no gentle coupling. The only thing on the minds of all involved was the search for release. When Justin slowed down momentarily to enjoy the sensations, Lance responded by biting the neck under him in warning slowing down was not an option. Over and over they thrust and rubbed against each other. Kisses were placed anywhere they could reach with a borderline violence. Lance’s was the first to explode with a long, deep groan filling the room causing shivers to run down the spectators’ backs. Justin followed after two more thrusts with a loud shout. Both were breathing hard and quickly coming down from the high of alcohol and sex. It wasn’t the first time they sobered up in each other’s arms. It was however the first time they had taken it this far.
“I think that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen!” JC said with tension in his voice. Justin and Lance both jerked their heads up at the reminder they were far from alone. Soon, they were both blushing furiously and trying to gather their clothes without sacrificing the little modesty they had left.
“Can we get them drunk and have them do it again?” Joey asked as Chris nodded in agreement with the idea. “If we taped it we could be rich without ever having to go on stage again.”
It was hard to tell who was more embarrassed at the situation they found themselves in. Both Justin and Lance avoided each other’s eyes and those of their band mates as they quickly dressed and said their goodbyes before rushing to the rooms Chris had set aside for them to spend the night. Although they both knew sleep would be difficult to find, they knew to stay any longer was to risk the teasing, which would be so hard to bear at this point.
* * * * *
As morning-after's go, this one really sucked, Justin thought as he struggled to get dressed the next morning. It wasn’t that he was hung over, he rarely had a problem with hangovers. The problem was he remembered everything from the previous night and he couldn’t get the smell of Lance or the taste of his skin out of his mind. He always knew he was bi-sexual. The whole group years before had discussed the theory all humans were bi-sexual with heavy leanings one way or the other. They had all agreed after many conversations though, band mates were off-limits. Lance was off-limits.
The problem with the whole off-limits thing, no one took into account the drunken activities of the two youngest members. Most likely the older members just shook it off as drunken indiscretions, something amusing but not serious. Justin didn’t know how Lance looked at it; they had never discussed what happened when they both drank at the same time. It was like an unspoken rule between the two. Justin was starting to think it was a really stupid rule. He needed to talk about it; he needed to know if he was the only one that couldn’t get the feel of their two bodies writhing together out of his mind.
In the room next to Justin’s, Lance was waking up with a painful hard-on and the taste of Justin in his mouth. He knew what happened last night was just the typical drunken activities of his youngest band mate. He also knew it was fulfillment of a dream for him. None of the other guys seemed to realize it was always Justin who started their sessions and Lance always let Justin set the pace. None of the others noticed Lance never got drunk on two or three drinks when Justin was not drinking.
* * * * *
By the time Lance made it to the kitchen all of the guys were there, ominously quiet. He looked around at his band mates to see if he could get a sense of the mood of the group and was not surprised to see a spark of mischief in Chris’ eyes. Joey was alternating his stare from Justin to Lance, though Lance couldn’t read exactly what the stare meant. JC looked a little distracted as if he was composing songs in his mind. It was Justin that Lance was most interested in however. He was sitting at the table staring into his full bowl of cereal. Lance poured himself a cup of coffee and then sat down at the table trying to mentally prepare himself for the on slot of harassment sure to come. Surprisingly it was JC who began the show.
“I need you two to pose for me so I can capture the experience on canvas.” Both Lance and Justin looked at him incredulously.
“No!” “Not a chance!” They replied in unison.
“Well. I could try to paint it from memory, but I’m not sure if I could get all the angles right.” Obviously still not seeing the problem with his plan or the looks on his two youngest band mates faces. “Maybe if I start with what I remember and then later on you can pose for me. Yes, start and then you both pose later, much better idea..” Figuring he had solved the dilemma, JC got up to get started on his painting.
During this whole bizarre conversation, Joey had continued to look back and forth between Lance and Justin. Staring intently and yet never saying anything. It was disturbing, but no more so than JC’s ideas to paint the two members in a compromising position. Both men were aware of Joey’s stare, but trying to ignore it scared of what ideas were going through the Italian’s head.
Lance finished his coffee quickly and was getting ready to leave when Chris came up behind him and whispered into his ear. “I’ll buy the alcohol if you do it again.” Lance could see his smirk as he sauntered away and saw Justin’s questioning gaze before he left the house.
Seeing Lance was not going to talk to him and fearing JC would reappear and reek havoc on his already thin mental reserves, Justin quickly left Chris’ house as well. He wasn’t ready to go home yet, but he also knew there was no way he could stay and deal with his older band mate’s idiosyncrasies. Sitting in his car he decided to drive to the beach. Maybe the sound of the ocean would help him clear the thoughts running wildly in his head.
* * * * *
The drive to the beach was uneventful and well worth it when he saw the view. The waves rolling back and forth was hypnotizing and more than once Justin swore he saw the color of Lance’s eyes in the waves. He really needed to figure out where exactly his head and his heart were. It wasn’t like this was the first time Justin had woken up and realized the night before could be all he ever wanted if Lance would just feel the same. The only problem was the stupid rule kept popping into his mind. It had to have been Chris who came up with it; no one else could do something to annoy Justin this much. Then again, rules were meant to be broken, he mused. It’s not like he hadn’t always gotten away with breaking rules by just pouting and batting his eyelashes. He was the baby; they always let him do what he wanted. Maybe now, he decided as the sun began to set, maybe now what he wanted was Lance. It was definitely a thought to consider.
* * * * * *
Justin spent the next couple of months thinking about his life and his emerging feelings for Lance. He knew if they were ever to take their relationship to another level there would be numerous obstacles in their path. It wasn’t just the off-limits rule; he really did think if it came down to two of the guys being in love the rest of the group would support them. Justin realized the greater problem was they would have to hide their relationship from all but a select few. They were all used to hiding part of themselves from the public, but it would be really hard to not shout out to the world how he felt about Lance if they took it to a new level. This was all a mute point though, Justin thought. To Lance all of this was just drunken activities. There was no way he would be willing to have a sexual relationship with Justin when he was sober.
To the public Justin was the front man, the sexy one. It seems as if he was always being singled out and the problem was just getting worse now “No Strings Attached” had come out to so much success. What most people didn’t realize is Lance was the one who held all of them together. Without Lance, JC would permanently be in another world of creativity. Without Lance, Chris would be bouncing around insulting people because they got on his nerves by calling them a boy band when Chris was obviously not a boy. Lance was Joey’s confidant; he kept track of their schedules and their lives. Justin couldn’t even comprehend what all Lance did for him. He was his best friend and all being best friends entailed.
Justin knew he wasn’t good enough for Lance. Lance had all these plans and dreams for his life. If NSYNC were to end right then, Lance would be fine. He would go on managing other people or pursue his dream of acting or even go back to school so someday he could be an astronaut. Lance would be just fine. Justin wasn’t so sure of himself. All he knew was singing and dancing and maybe on a good day a little acting. He had no desire to go to college. The only other thing he even would want to do besides music was basketball and as much as he would love to play for the NBA, he knew it would never happen. No, Justin was not good enough for Lance even if Lance was gay. And Lance was definitely not gay. He may not always be surrounded by girls, but that man knew how to put the moves on and make women melt.
For months all these thoughts had been going through Justin’s head. He went on as normal with his life, but inside he was realizing with each day passing how much he truly was falling in love with Lance and how very hopeless it was. Justin didn’t give up completely though. He still had times where he would swear Lance looked at him with interest in being more than friends. A couple of times he had caught Lance staring at him, looking as if he just wanted to consume Justin into himself. Those moments were few and far between though and then there was the way Lance was changing physically. He was going from good looking to all kinds of sexy.
* * * * *
During the months Justin was thinking about Lance, Lance was busy as well. After the fateful night in front of their friends Lance was struck again by how unworthy of Justin he was. Why would Justin want to be with him who still had some extra padding on him when there was JC whose body was so sleek and beautiful? Why would he want Lance who was sort of quiet and reserved around people he didn’t know when he could have Joey who was comfortable socializing in any situation. Why would Justin want Lance who tried to play basketball and video games with him but could never get the hang of it when Justin could have Chris who excelled at all of Justin’s interests.
Lance decided even if he couldn’t have Justin for himself, he was going to make sure he did not embarrass Justin. He started to work on being more outgoing in social situations. He practiced the flirting and charm he wanted to use on Justin on various women he met at parties and clubs. Lance spent extra time trying to master video games that Justin loved and to be a better basketball player so maybe Justin would want to shoot some hoops with him once in a while. The greatest change though came with his appearance. Lance spent hours working out in whatever gyms he could find. He watched every calorie entering his body and even started to take some diet pills when the extra weight didn’t seem to be coming off as quickly as he thought it should. If there were days when he was a little dizzy or could barely drag himself out of bed, he just figured it meant maybe he was getting results and re-doubled his efforts.
* * * * *
Lance continued his diet and exercise routine throughout the tour. He eventually got to the point where he was working out three hours a day outside of whatever rehearsals and concerts they had to do. He also upped his use of the diet pills to drop a little more weight. Every time he looked in the mirror he would see the same country bumpkin Justin had originally met and he would resolve to work harder. Lance never saw the ribs starting to show on his torso or the dark circles taking a permanent residence under his eyes. When the other guys started asking about the dark circles he told them he was just having a hard time sleeping. No one noticed the weight loss though, he was always careful to make sure. He wanted the weight loss to be a surprise for Justin. He just couldn’t get to the point where he liked what he saw in the mirror.
Justin was well aware something was up with Lance. He did notice Lance spent a lot of time working out, but he never thought it was an obsessive thing. He noticed Lance’s face was more angular, but figured Lance was just maturing and growing into himself. The dark circles concerned him, but not too much because they all were getting more and more exhausted as the tour wore on. Their popularity, while wanted, was draining on all of them. It was hard to take a bodyguard everywhere they went, but they had to because the fans wanted a piece of their pop idols.
* * * * *
The tour ended during December and Lance went quickly into making preparations for his New Year’s party in New York. He had reserved a club and was inviting a lot of people from the music and entertainment industry. When he wasn’t working on the party he was working out. Now the tour was over he added another couple of hours to his workouts thinking he always seemed to gain weight when they weren’t touring.
The party was a big success. MTV filmed it for their New Year’s Party Countdown. All the guys attended as well as stars from all different industries. Lance tried to keep his attention upon all his guests, but Justin kept catching his eye. The way Justin moved on the dance floor was hypnotizing. His hips moved in a shimmy promising far more than just a good time on the dance floor. Lance’s eyes were constantly drawn to the firm lines of Justin’s backside as it moved around the floor. He had to clench his hands into fists to avoid reaching out and touching the flesh before him.
Once the New Year had been brought in and all the guests had gone, Lance slid into a chair completely exhausted. He hadn’t drank any alcohol during the evening because he knew he couldn’t afford the calories they contained. He felt dizzy and disorientated though. Lance sat at the table with his head collapsed in his arms happy everyone was gone and he could let down his guard for a few minutes. He was jerked out of his daze a couple hours later when the clean-up crew arrived. He hadn’t realized so much time had passed as he sat and waited for the spinning in his head to stop.
When he stood up from the table, the world tilted sharply before he could catch himself on the table. Thinking he had just drank too much, the cleaning crew just shrugged their shoulders and went on with their work as he made his way outside to the car that was waiting to take him back to the hotel. He collapsed in his bed until his wake up call came early the next morning.
* * * * *
All of the guys were scheduled to fly back to Orlando on an early flight, so they gathered in the hallway early the next morning. When Lance appeared with sunglasses on looking frightfully pale everyone chalked it up to a bad hangover since they didn’t realize the only thing he had drank the night before was water.
They landed in Orlando around ten in the morning and all congregated at Justin’s house to spend one more day together before they headed out for a much-needed couple days off. They were all crashed out on the sofas when Lance felt the first waves of nausea overwhelm him. He stood to head to the bathroom when the room around him started to darken and then go black.
* * * * *
Justin was the first to Lance’s side after he collapsed. His hand was shaking as he stretched his hand out to touch the man he loved. Justin was not aware of the chaos of his other band mates surrounding him or of Chris saying they needed to call an ambulance. He knew he heard someone scream Lance’s name, but wasn’t sure whose voice it was so filled with pain until he felt his lungs start to protest the lack of oxygen. JC was trying to pull him away from Lance, trying to calm him down to no avail. Justin didn’t think things could get any worse, didn’t think his heart could break any more.
“Oh my God!” Joey’s voice broke through the torment he was experiencing. “Guys he’s not breathing and I can’t find a pulse.”
“Try again Joey.” Chris’ high voice echoed in the room before he went back to talking on the phone to the 911 operator. “My friend collapsed . . . we cannot find a pulse . . . please hurry . . . “
It was Joey who started CPR and fought to keep Lance alive. Chris was on the phone giving directions to the operator while JC held Justin back from Lance knowing all Justin could do at this point is get in the way. Justin’s whole body shook with tremors as he tried to control his fear. He repeated to himself over and over Lance was not going to die. He could not die, not without knowing how Justin felt about him. Not when Justin was starting to realize he could not survive with Lance beside him as his friend at least.
The ambulance arrived quickly and the paramedics took over CPR as they rushed him out and to the hospital. Justin tried to get in the ambulance with him but was quickly pulled back by JC. “They need room to work J.”
The four band mates sat in the waiting room of the hospital for two hours. Joey had called Johnny and let him know what was going on while Chris talked to a nurse and got them into a private room so they wouldn’t cause a riot. JC spent the entire time trying to keep Justin from running to find Lance.
JC, Joey and Chris were not sure why Justin was taking this so much harder then the rest of them, but they did know if they weren’t careful they would end up with two band mates in the hospital. Justin was on the edge of hysteria and they were all worried if the doctors didn’t come tell them soon, he would need to be sedated. JC could feel Justin’s heart racing and the coolness of his skin and the shivers running through his body.
“Justin,” Chris looked at Justin worriedly, “you okay man?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t lose him . . .”Justin said with a sob. “I can’t lose him, he doesn’t even know I love him.”
The other guys could only stare at Justin in shock at his announcement. They all realized Justin was not even aware of what he was saying, but it was still a shock to all of them. No one had realized Justin was even more then vaguely interested in guys, much less was interested in their other band mate. It explained his behavior with Lance though. They all looked at each other and silently swore they would do anything to help their band mates. Now they only needed Lance to be okay.
“Are you all here for Mr. Bass?” A voice came from the doorway.
* * * * *
The words along with the grimness of the doctor’s face sent chills through all of the guys. Last time they had seen Lance he was being put into an ambulance while someone was trying to restart his heart. If the doctors hadn’t been able to restart his heart, then all of their lives would be shattered. At the realization, the three older men’s eyes went to their youngest member and watched as he stood silently and fought to stay upright. Every line in his body screamed he was barely holding onto control. The paleness of his skin and the rapidness of his breathing were alarming to the older men. If their greatest fear came true, would they lose Justin as well?
“We are his friends. His parents are on their way from Mississippi.” Joey said quietly. He was afraid to hear what the doctor had to say, but he was afraid to not hear it. The idea of living without Lance . . . well he couldn’t even consider the idea. Lance had to be all right.
“Maybe we all should sit down.” The doctor motioned to the chairs as he noticed Justin wobbling on his feet. After everyone had found a seat in a tight group, the doctor began again. “Mr. Bass was in full cardiac arrest when he was brought in. This was caused by severe malnutrition. We also found large amounts of diet pills in his system. With his heart condition, these pills can be deadly.” The group gasped at this. All of them were trying to think of signs they might have seen to show Lance was in trouble.
“We were able to get his heart started again with the defibrillator. We worked on him for over thirty minutes before that happened though. From your quick actions when he collapsed we think there was probably enough oxygen going to his brain the entire time, but we cannot be sure until he regains consciousness.”
The doctor waited a few minutes for them all to process what he had said so far. He knew from telling other families about their loved ones what was to come was not going to be easy and it was best if they were all focused before he told them the rest. He watched as JC pulled a sobbing Justin into his arms and Chris and Joey clutched each other’s hands in support. He could see all of them drawing strength from each other as they slowly processed what he had said.
“The situation we are facing right now,” the doctor began again after they all looked up at him as if they knew there was more to come, “is Lance has slipped into a coma.” The gasp came from Justin as he fought to deal with the words he heard. “We have put him on an IV containing nutrients to try to dehydrate his body and also to get some nutrients into him. We have also put him on a medication which should help contradict the effects of the diet pills on his heart. He is being transferred to ICU right now so we can keep a constant watch on all of his vital signs.”
“Can we go see him?” JC asked knowing Justin really needed to see Lance was still alive.
“Normally it is family only, but one of my nurses informs me you are all like brothers so I will allow you to go in. The limit is two at a time for fifteen minutes every hour. I’ll have a nurse come get you when we have him settled in. Be warned though, he is on a respirator right now to help his heart and lungs. He is also going to be hooked up to a lot of monitoring units. He will not look like the man you know.” The doctor knowing there was nothing else he could do to help the four men in front of him, stood up and left the room.
Justin walked into Lance’s hospital room with JC supporting him. They both paled at the sight of their friend so still in the bed with the machines beeping around him. Tears started to overflow Justin’s eyes as he sat down at Lance’s side. Taking the still hand in his own, he leaned down to kiss the skin in his hand. Leaving his lips on the skin, he could smell the man he loved under the smell of antiseptic. Just knowing Lance was still with them calmed him somewhat. The feel of Lance’s skin and the smell of his cologne
“You cannot leave me. I love you too much for you to leave.”
* * * * *
The fifteen minutes were long over and Justin still refused to leave. Every time someone told him he had to leave, he would clutch Lance’s hand. Justin’s eyes never left the man lying before him as if by just staring at him he could keep Lance alive. The nurse kept telling him he could come back in again later, but he would just whisper, “he needs me. I can’t leave him. He needs me.” The nurse finally called the doctor to alert him of the situation.
When he walked into the room, the doctor could tell immediately there was no way Justin was going to leave Lance’s side. It was against the rules, but the doctor knew sometimes the best cure was not modern medicine but love. Looking at the two young men before him he knew the love between the two could be what would make the difference. He allowed Justin to stay.
* * * * *
Diane Bass rushed into the hospital room the next morning. She noticed Justin holding her son’s hand with his head on the edge of the bed. Even asleep he was whispering to Lance although she could not understand the words. She had been told by the doctor and her son’s band mates what was going on. Diane had no idea her baby was in this much trouble but she vowed she would do anything to help him heal. She knew from conversations with Lance the young man sleeping in the uncomfortable chair could be the key to Lance’s recovery. Lance had told her a couple years earlier he was in love with his youngest band mate and while at first she had problems with the idea of her son being gay, she never had problems with the man he had fallen in love with.
“Oh Baby,” Diane whispered to her son. “What have you done to yourself? Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?”
Justin jerked awake at the sound of someone else talking to Lance. He looked confused at his surroundings for half a minute and then it all came rushing back.
“He’s not awake yet?” Justin asked hoarsely. Diane could tell his voice was not due to just waking up, instead it was from overuse. He had obviously talked to Lance the whole night thru.
“No. He’s not awake.” Diane said tearfully. “Justin, do you know why my Baby did this?” She had to ask even though she knew most likely he knew as much as the rest of them.
“I wish I did Diane. I tried to figure it out all night long. He has no reason to starve himself or to take diet pills. He was perfect as he was. He’s always been perfect. I knew he was working out more, but I didn’t know it was like this. He always wore baggy clothes, I didn’t know. I didn’t know, I’m so sorry. I should have known!” Justin sobbed.
Diane drew the young man into her arms. “I know you didn’t Sweetie. None of us knew. It’s okay. I don’t blame you. I just wish he had told me what was going on before it got to this point. I just want my Baby to be okay.” The two cried in each other’s arms for several minutes before drawing back. “He will wake up Justin. He will be okay. We have to believe. God would not take him away from us.”
“You really believe that?” Justin said quietly. “Shouldn’t he have woken up by now?”
“The doctor said he still had some of the drugs in his system. Give him time Justin. He’s strong and he will fight back from this.” Diane bolstered Justin’s spirits by saying. She realized as his older band mates had the day before if they lost Lance they were probably going to lose Justin as well. He would just give up without Lance; you could see it in his eyes. “Just keep talking to him Sweetie. The doctor said he could hear us.”
* * * * *
After talking to the doctor, Diane and Justin were both allowed to stay in the room with Lance as long as they didn’t get in the way of the medical personnel going in and out. Joey, Chris and JC took turns getting them to eat and were able to get Justin to take a quick shower in the doctor’s lounge before he rushed back to Lance’s side.
Diane told Justin stories of Lance growing up knowing it would calm Justin and allow his voice a chance to recover. Whenever she had to leave the room to update Jim on Lance’s condition or to eat, Justin would softly sing to Lance. All of the nurses in the ICU would gather near the room when this occurred, amazed at the love Justin obviously had for Lance. Several of the nurses had recognized the men and were sure to protect them from other visitors in the unit seeing them. Luckily the news of Lance’s collapse had not made it to the media and so they had no problems with fans trying to sneak in.
As the night was falling, Diane looked up from a story about Lance’s seventh birthday to find Justin asleep. He was still holding Lance’s hand with his lips pressed to the skin as if he could kiss away all wrongs with the man he loved. Justin had not told Diane of his feelings for her son, but she saw them in every thing Justin did and the looks he gave Lance. She only hoped their love would be enough. As optimistic as she had been for Justin, Diane was truly worried at her son’s appearance. He was obviously twenty or thirty pounds lighter than was healthy and the diet pills attacking his heart only made the situation worse. She continued talking to her son, hoping somehow he could hear and understand all said and not said.
* * * * *
Lance could hear what was going on around him. It sounded as if everything was coming from a tunnel or through a lot of water. He knew his mother and Justin were there. He also heard Joey, JC and Chris off and on. He wanted to talk to them, but no matter what he did his mouth wouldn’t work. He tried to remember what happened, why he was lying in a bed unable to move, open his eyes or speak to those around him. He knew he should be panicking, he was unable to communicate, but instead he just felt numb.
It was when he felt himself start to slip away from the voices he started to worry. It was nice here without all the pain, but he knew nothing was worth not hearing Justin’s beautiful voice. Lance decided then he needed to fight, he had to try and open his eyes. After what seemed like forever struggling to open his eyes, Lance decided he just needed to focus on what he was trying to get back to. His brain began to flash through scenes of his life.
There were childhood memories and things from early on in NSYNC. There were moments with his family and times spent with the love of his life. Justin. His brain hit on the image of Justin and stopped. This was the reason he was searching for; this was why he wanted to wake up. Their first meeting when Lance couldn’t help but be entranced by the blue of Justin’s eyes. The night Justin got his high school diploma on stage when Lance thought he was going to explode with the pride he felt for his youngest band mate. Then the times, those wonderful times, when Justin lost all his inhibitions. The times when Justin was drinking. The times when so many of Lance’s dreams came true. Each time with Justin seemed to go a little further, be a little more intense. Suddenly, the last time they were together popped into Lance’s head.
It was right after the HBO concert. They were all high on adrenaline and decided it was time to party. Justin was still too young to drink, so they got alcohol and brought it back to the hotel. Justin quickly went through a couple of beers and was starting to give Lance the looks Lance loved so much. It was then he slowed his drinking down considerably as he always did on the nights where it looked like Justin would want to get closer.
Two beers later and Justin was sitting on Lance’s lap straddling his thighs. What made this even more erotic for Lance was Justin was doing a slow shimmy while sitting on his lap. Lance could feel himself harden at the feel of Justin pressing against him and then pull away as his hips rolled to music only he could hear. Justin’s eyes were closed and he had one hand cupping the back of Lance’s neck while the other was stretched behind him to hold onto Lance’s thigh for balance and Lance thought maybe just to drive him even more crazy.
Their groins were brushing against each other every few seconds and each hardened quickly. Soon there was groans coming from deep within each of them.
“Lance, please . . .I need to see you, feel you.”
“I’m right here baby.” Lance groaned.
“I need your skin . . .please . . . I need you.” Justin whispered as he pulled Lance’s shirt over his head never breaking the rhythm of his hips. “Please . . . I need to feel you.”
Lance’s hands unsteadily worked Justin’s shirt off of him and then went to work on Justin’s pants. They both stopped the thrusting of their hips long enough to strip off pants and boxers. They then came back together quickly, skin against skin. Their breaths mingled as their hips relearned each other without the barrier of clothes.
“Okay,” Chris whispered to JC and Joey, “this is becoming a common occurrence I really could get used to.”
All JC and Joey could do is nod as they stared intently at the two youngest members. Both were in awe of the scene playing out in front of them. Neither wanting to break the beauty of the moment with any more words. Neither wanted them to stop.
Several minutes later Justin lost patients with the slow pace and began to work his mouth down Lance’s neck. He nipped at the skin and then licked it to soothe any hurts he had inflicted as he worked down to Lance’s chest and his nipples. He made sure to pay extra attention to Lance’s chest until Lance could take no more.
“Justin, baby please I need more. Please baby . . .”
Justin took pity on Lance and worked his mouth down further. He thrust his tongue into the belly button before him, mimicking what he really wanted to do with Lance’s body. Down further to trace the hairs that led downward. His tongue came out to taste the salty nectar oozing out of Lance’s hard penis.
“Oh wow.” No one was sure who said it, but everyone in the room had to agree with the sentiment.
Justin took the head of Lance’s penis into his mouth and slowly swirled his tongue around it before sucking hard. He took to the task eagerly and Lance was soon on the edge of oblivion. Just when Lance thought he lost the struggle for control, Justin pulled away, took a deep breath and looked up at Lance. With a slow moving grin Justin licked his lips, watching Lance’s eyes widen with desire. When he knew Lance was about to reach out for him he quickly bent down and took Lance’s penis back into his mouth quickly until Lance exploded.
When Lance was able to breathe normally again, he glanced down to find Justin lying against his thigh staring upwards. When their eyes met, they both smiled sweetly.
“Come up here baby boy.” Lance whispered. “Let me take care of you.”
Justin crawled up Lance’s body until their lips met in a long, deep kiss. The men across the room were able to make out the tongues battling back and forth between the two mouths. Lance’s hands were quickly tracing down Justin’s body until they reached Justin’s scrotum and squeezed gently.
“What do you need baby?” He whispered again. “Tell me what you need and I will do it.”
“Please . . .Lance . . .need you . . . touch . . .please” Justin gasped as he felt hands rubbing everywhere except where he needed them. Lance chuckled deep in his throat and then caught Justin’s penis with his hand and began an intense jerking motion. In what seemed liked seconds; Justin was falling into an orgasm his entire body shaking as he cried out Lance’s name.
The two had cuddled up on the couch together and passed into sleep before the other men were able to speak.
“So, was it good for you?” Chris cracked unstably.
“I think I can paint them now.” Was all JC said before he stood and took off for the room holding art supplies within.
“I don’t think I will ever be able to enjoy a porno tape again. It has been ruined forever.” Joey moaned and adjusted himself.
* * * * *
Lance had been in his coma for four days and Justin was teetering on the edge of breakdown. He had long since lost all but the barest whisper of his voice talking to Lance and refused to stop no matter what anyone said. Diane and the other guys had taken to trying to talk to Lance constantly so Justin could rest his voice. Justin would sit in the uncomfortable chair provided unless he was getting something to eat, which the doctor had told him he must do or be banned from Lance’s room and when he slipped away to shower once a day, something the guys insisted he must do. He held Lance’s hand in his and kissed the little bit of skin that was accessible to him, whispering prayers to God for Lance to get better.
Like Lance, Justin was remembering all those times they spent together. Looking back at the past he realized he had been in love with Lance since the first night in Europe. He tried to fight back the regret crashing through him at the thought of all the time he had wasted not letting Lance know how he felt. He resolved to tell Lance how he felt when he woke up. Even if the older man could never return the feelings, Justin knew if something were to take Lance away from him he would never be able to handle not having told him otherwise.
It was around three in the morning on the fifth day and the doctors had told them all the night before if Lance didn’t wake up from the coma soon, they were afraid there would be lasting damage. Diane had broken down at the news and was taken back to the hotel by Jim who had arrived two days earlier. Justin was glad Diane and Jim had left for a little while. Although they both were fine with how he felt for their son, Justin couldn’t help but feel awkward as he whispered words of love to Lance when they were in the room. He wasn’t alone with Lance, Joey was sprawled in a chair across the room with JC leaning against him, but both were asleep. Chris was passed out in another chair next to Justin. They had spent the evening talking about old times, things they really couldn’t discuss in front of Lance’s parents.
They were all fighting to keep up their spirits and belief Lance was going to be okay. It was an unspoken rule among the four no one was to voice out loud the fears they all had that Lance would never wake up or he would never be the same physically. All of them knew there would have to be changes made if and when Lance woke up. Knowing one of them had fallen this far without someone noticing was a bleak wake-up call for all of them.
The first full day Lance had been in the coma they had all sat down and tried to figure out what happened. They knew they wouldn’t get all the facts until Lance woke up, but they did know there was obviously a crack in the support system they offered each other if none of them had seen this coming. Joey had speculated maybe all the comments on the Internet and magazines contributed to Lance feeling as if he wasn’t good enough. He told them all sometimes the comments about his weight had gotten to him in the past. Chris had agreed and they all decided from now on everyone would try to support each other and not make any derogatory comments about weight. They agreed it included making fun of JC because sometimes the comments about him being anorexic got to him.
It was Chris who suggested maybe they needed to institute group meetings every day when they were on tour. Not to discuss tour business or even group business but to support each other with anything bothering them or things they needed to talk about. When they were not on tour they also agreed they needed some kind of support as well, but they had not been able to come up with a system which would work yet. Still, they had set in motion a support system they all realized was needed and long overdue.
After the guys had all fallen asleep, Justin had started to talk to Lance about how much he needed to wake up. Fears none of them had spoken out loud, Justin whispered to Lance, telling him to fight. He told Lance what the doctor had said about there being permanent damage if Lance didn’t wake up soon. He poured out all his fears and when he was done, he began on his dreams. He told Lance of what his ideal future would be. How he wanted to spend forever taking care of Lance and making sure nothing like this ever happened again. He spoke of where he saw NSYNC going and how he wanted to be making music with his friends for years to come. Sometimes he would find himself laughing at the future he envisioned and sometimes he would cry at the thought his dreams may never come true.
The sun was just starting to rise in the sky when Justin felt the briefest squeeze of his hand and looked up to find the most amazing green eyes he would ever see staring back at him.
* * * * *
The two men stared at each other for several minutes, drinking in the sight of each other. Blue eyes stared at the man he had recently realized he loved so much and thought he was going to lose. At the thought of how close he had come to losing his love his eyes filled with tears. Lance for his part couldn’t help staring at the man in front of him. After days of hearing his voice and being consumed with memories of him, seeing Justin live was overwhelming.
It was several minutes later before Lance realized he was hooked up to a lot of machines and he couldn’t even take a breath for himself. He started to panic until he caught Justin’s eyes and was lost again. Justin did notice the moment of panic and realized what the problem must be. He pushed the button to call the nurse who was quickly in the room.
“Is something wrong?” The petite nurse asked quietly aware of the sleeping men in the room.
“Lance is awake. I think he is having problems with the respirator.” Justin whispered, aware as soon as the others woke up he would have to share Lance’s attention and also aware his vocal chords were damaged from all the talking he had done.
“I’ll alert the doctor. Most likely he will want to come in and take him off the machine himself.”
Since Justin knew it would be several minutes before the doctor could arrive and they were basically alone, Justin vowed this was the moment. He was going to tell Lance how he felt. He only hoped Lance would not be so upset it would cause some kind of relapse.
“Lance.” Justin whispered. “There is something I need to tell you. I promised myself when you woke up I would tell you. I couldn’t bare the thought something might happen to you and I would never get to tell you.” Lance blinked and Justin took it as a sign to continue. “Since the night after we won the lawsuit I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and also about you. I know we are good friends, but somewhere along the way I started to feel more. I can’t tell you exactly when it happened, but along the way I fell in love with you.” Justin glanced up at Lance after he was done with his confession to find tears running down Lance’s face. He was unsure whether they were tears of joy or tears of sorrow. His first instinct was to run and hide from the possible disappointment, but then common sense kicked in. Lance needed him more than Justin needed to go somewhere and lick his wounds.
Lance’s eyes were steady on Justin’s face hoping the younger man could read in his eyes how much what Justin had just said meant to him. He realized he was probably not successful when he saw the pain flash across his face. He was about to reach out and grab Justin’s hand when the doctor came barreling in.
“I heard that we had a patient awake.” The doctor's voice boomed into the room waking the other habitants.
“What?” “What’s going on?” “What’s wrong?” They all exclaimed at once shocked out of their sleep.
“Lance is awake.” Justin whispered as loud as he could trying to keep the pain from showing in his voice.
“I need to examine him right now, so if you will all excuse us, I will come get you when I am through.” The four men started to complain until the doctor gave them a pointed look letting him know that he had allowed them to break plenty of hospital rules and if they were not careful that permission would be revoked. The three older men frowned slightly at the thought they wouldn’t be able to welcome Lance back quite yet but headed for the door. Justin was about to follow them when Lance grabbed his hand weakly, refusing to let go. The doctor looked at their joined hands for a moment and then went about his exam.
After about five minutes of checking Lance out, the doctor told them he was going to take Lance off the respirator. He talked them both through him turning off the machine and unhooking the tube. He explained to Lance how he needed him to breathe out on the count of three and he would pull the tube from his throat. Choking as he did what the doctor told him to do and the tube was pulled out, Lance tightened his hold on Justin’s hand. Seconds later there was a cup of water with a straw placed in front of him so he could wet his too dry throat.
“I’m going to send your friends in, but the nurse will be in to give you a sedative. I want you to get a good night sleep. Your body still has a lot of healing to do.” The doctor told Lance as he was leaving. A minute later Joey, Chris and JC were pouring into the room trying to get to Lance to verify that he was really awake. They only had a few minutes to share brief hugs before the nurse came in with the sedative which quickly put Lance to sleep.
* * * * *
A week had passed since Lance had woken up and things were far from back to normal. Lance had forced his parents to leave a couple of days earlier and was now working on doing the same to his band mates. He was refusing half his meals and when he did accept a meal he only ate part of what was served. The doctors had told them to leave the hospital Lance had to gain at least ten pounds. It was the minimum they believed necessary to regulate his heart again. His not eating was making it seem impossible.
“He won’t talk to us. He won’t talk to the doctors or the shrink they sent up.” Joey boomed as if the others hadn’t heard him the first ten times he had exclaimed it during the afternoon.
“What else can we do? He sends away any one who brings up the subject.” JC said quietly. He had drawn more and more into himself as the week progressed. They were all dealing with the situation in their own ways. JC withdrew, Joey just got louder as the situation went on, and Chris had immerged himself into finding out everything he could about Lance’s condition. Justin only spoke to Lance and rarely left his side. None of the others knew if Lance spoke to Justin about what was going on because they were rarely let into Lance’s room and when they were Justin wouldn’t say a word.
The three oldest members discussed all of their options and the repercussions for the next hour. They were so involved in their discussion they never saw Justin leave.
“Excuse me.” Justin quietly got Lance’s nurse’s attention. “Is the doctor planning on seeing Lance in the next hour or does he have any tests scheduled?”
“Nothing that I can see Mr. Timberlake. He just had his IV changed and trays will not be brought up for another two hours. No one should be bothering him until then.”
“Okay.” Justin said with a cool calm. “The doctor asked us if we could try to get through to him about eating. I’m going to have a talk with him now about it. I’m guessing he is probably going to be unhappy about it so can you just give us space even if there is some yelling? I promise I only have his best interest at heart.” Justin gave the nurse his most charming smile in hopes she would go along with his plan.
“Of course Mr. Timberlake. Something needs to be done and we have all seen how much you care for Mr. Bass. I hope you can get through to him.”
* * * * *
Justin walked into Lance’s room to find him staring out the window. Although Justin knew Lance had heard him come in the room, Lance didn’t even turn to see who had entered the room.
“What I’m trying to figure out is if you are just trying to get attention or if you are really this stupid.” Justin had decided he was not going to pull any punches with this conversation. Too much was at stake.
“Justin, just go away.”
“No, I’m not going to go away Lance. You can push all you want. You can be as rude as you want to be. I’m still going to be here. I love you and nothing you do is going to change how I feel.” When Lance didn’t reply Justin continued. “I fell in love with you months ago. Hell, it was probably years ago and I was just too stupid to realize it. I realize I’m not good enough for you, but . . . “
“Not good enough for me?” Lance turned towards Justin and asked incredulously. “I’m the one who isn’t good enough. Don’t you see? I tried to be. I tried to be skinny and gorgeous like JC. I tried to be sociable like Joey and good at things you like to do like Chris is. I tried to be everything you could want and everything you could need, but I can’t. I can’t do it. All I can do is screw up more and land in this hospital bed where they tell me I need to eat when I know I’m still not as skinny as JC.” Lance finally broke down and sobbed.
“Lance; please don’t tell me you believe that. You are so beautiful just as you are. If I wanted someone who was like JC, Joey or Chris I would have fell in love with them. I don’t want them though, I want you. I want the man I fell in love with. And he is so thin he has made himself sick. He may not be the life of the party, but he is the only one I want to be at the party with. And as for the things Chris and I do together, I don’t care if you aren’t perfect at basketball or video games. You mean more to me than some games. You mean everything. If anyone here is not worthy, it is me. Don’t you see? You are so intelligent and you have these amazing goals of what you want to do with your life. What do I have to offer? Yes, I’m rich. But so are you. I’m a good singer and dancer and in a popular band, but so are you. Everything I am, every thing I have to offer you, you already have and more. So don’t you dare sit in bed and tell me you’re not good enough for me.”
Lance was stunned speechless at what Justin had said to him, but the younger man was not done yet.
“The only reason you are not worthy of me now is because you lie there in bed day after day refusing to get well. You won’t eat even when you know the only way you’re getting out of here is to gain weight. Do you get your life is in jeopardy here? Do you understand I almost lost you? Has it occurred to you yet the guys weren’t just worried about you? When we didn’t know if you were going to make it or not they started thinking if something happened to you I would just give up any desire to live? And they were right, I wouldn’t want to live without you. Don’t you understand you are my heart now? Without you, there is no me. It’s that simple. While you sit in this bed and refuse to eat or try to survive you aren’t just killing you. You’re killing me.”
Justin had said what he needed to and now the decision was Lance’s, but he knew he couldn’t stay right now or he would lose what little composure he had left. As his last words still echoed in the room, he turned his back and walked out never hearing the words whispered from Lance’s mouth. “I love you Justin.”
* * * * *
Chris stuck his head through Lance’s hospital room door about thirty minutes later. He noticed Lance’s back facing the door and motioned Joey and JC into the room behind him. They all figured Lance was going to ignore them like he had been, but they also knew they had to try. The only surprise so far was Justin was not in the room with Lance also staring out the window. Chris assumed Justin had just gone to the cafeteria for something to eat or for a walk to clear his head.
“Lance we need to talk to you.” Joey said forcing himself to speak quietly and calmly despite the turmoil the whole situation brought up in him.
“I’m not really in the mood to talk right now.” Lance said hoarsely.
“Tough.” JC said forcefully finally reaching the end of his patients with his friend. “We have watched you waste away for the last week. We have watched you push every one who cares for you away. All we have asked from the beginning of this is for you to try and yet you are unwilling to even do that. How selfish can you be Lance?” JC was stopped from his rant when all three noticed the sobs shaking Lance’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry Lance, I didn’t realize I was being so harsh.” JC said instantly remorseful for what he had said if it made Lance cry.
“It’s not you JC.” Lance whispered through the lump in his throat. “I lost him. I thought I was doing what he wanted. What would make him love me, but I was wrong and now I’ve lost him.”
“Lance, man, you’re confusing me here.” Chris looked puzzled. “Who did you lose? What do you mean you were doing what he wanted? Talk to us. We want to help, please Lance, let us help you.”
“Justin,” Lance sobbed again. “I lost Justin. He told me he loved me, the me I was before. But he was so mad and he said all these things and he left. He was so mad. He was so mad.” Chris sat down on the bed and took the younger man into his arms as he sobbed. “I love him so much. I just wanted to be someone he could be proud of, someone he could love.”
“You mean you starved yourself and took those pills because you thought it was what Justin wanted?” Joey asked incredulously.
“I thought if I was skinny like JC and social like Joey and good at games like you Chris then he might look at me as more than a friend. I wanted him to love me like I love him.” Lance finally broke down completely in Chris arms. He was sobbing so hard his monitors started going off alerting them Lance wasn’t getting enough oxygen. The nurse rushed in to see what was going on and then rushed out just as quickly. The three older men looked at each other and wondered what they were supposed to do now. They knew Lance was hyperventilating, but had no idea what to do to stop it. They were saved from any more contemplation of plans when the nurse again rushed in. This time she went straight to Lance’s IV and injected something into it and then turned to watch the monitors until they evened out. At the older men’s questioning glances she smiled slightly and mouthed “sedative” so Lance couldn’t see. They all watched as Lance fell into a drug-induced sleep before finally taking a deep breath at the information they had learned.
“Okay.” Joey said tentatively. “Does this make things better or worse?”
Chris took another deep breath and looked at their sleeping band mate. “I’m not sure. How could he think he needed to be like us? None of us are perfect. I just don’t get it.”
* * * * *
It was two hours later Joey suddenly realized none of them had seen Justin and he had not been away from Lance’s side this long since the beginning. He told Chris and JC he was going for a walk and then left Lance’s room to go search for the young man. He checked the cafeteria and then walked around the hospital grounds. He lucked out when he ran into an elderly lady sitting on a park bench in the front area of the hospital. When he asked if she had seen someone matching Justin’s appearance she told him someone matching Justin had gotten into a taxi a couple of hours earlier.
Joey tried to call Justin’s cell and his house without any answer. When he tried Justin’s Mom and she also had not heard from him Joey started to worry. From the little Joey had gathered from Lance before he was sedated, Justin had told Lance how much he loved him and then left before he could hear Lance loved him too. After years of knowing Justin, he knew the younger man had left to lick his wounds. The only question was where had he gone and if he was all right. When Justin was upset he tended to zone out every thing around him. That meant he was wide open to fans who figured out who he was and Justin had no security with him.
* * * * *
Justin had the driver drop him off at a local park. He pulled his ball cap low on his forehead and put on his sunglasses and started walking. He knew he couldn’t hide forever, but he didn’t know what else to do. All this time he had wanted Lance and Lance wanted him back. He would be ecstatic if it wasn’t for the fact Lance was lying in a hospital bed refusing to fight for his life. He didn’t know what to do. The man he loved refused to fight for his life. Did he go back and try to talk him into fighting? Did he stay away to protect his heart?
In a state of confusion, Justin sat down on a park bench and dropped his head into his hands. His mind was running through every thing that had happened in the past couple of weeks trying to figure out how he could have changed the outcome. How could he make Lance fight? While his head was spinning, his heart was shattering into millions of pieces. Somewhere along the line he had realized being with Lance for the rest of his life was the only way he was going to be happy. Tears ran down his face as he thought about the sheer impossibility of the situation he was in.
“Excuse me?” A voice came from behind him. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”
Justin looked up to see a young man standing beside him. The man was about six feet tall and thin. He looked like he was in his early twenties with long brown hair and deep hazel eyes. “I’m okay.” Justin said weakly.
“Funny, you don’t look okay.” The man said with a crooked grin.
“I just . . .I don’t know what to do.” Justin choked out and began to sob. “I love him and yet he doesn’t love me enough to fight.” Seconds later, Justin realized what he said and to a complete stranger. What if this guy knew who he was? What if he went straight to the media with the news Justin Timberlake was gay? He was so panicked he didn’t notice the man sit beside him.
“Hi. I’m Thomas. Before you panic too much let me just say. Yes, I know who you are. No, I’m not going to say anything about what you say here. If it makes you feel better, I’m gay and I know what it is like to have to hide it from people. So, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to use my ear.”
Three hours and a lot of tears later, Justin finished his narrative. He looked up to find Thomas staring off into space. He could tell Thomas was thinking over all he had heard and so Justin kept quiet. He realized it was a lot to take in all at once. He was living it and he couldn’t take it all in. Just thinking about everything brought the tears back to his eyes.
“I think he really loves you and is scared to admit it.” Thomas finally said after thinking for awhile. “It sounds like he did all of this just for you, to somehow feel worthy of you.”
“But I’m the one who was never worthy of him.”
“Justin, I think you both have a distorted view of this entire thing. You are both incredibly talented and good looking. You both have a lot going for you. I think you need to take a step back and realize how perfect you are for each other. I have to admit I always wondered if you two were involved because you seemed close. You both seem so self-assured about every thing, I think you need to transfer that assurance into this situation. Tell him how you feel and what you need him to do and then stay and hear him out. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.”
* * * * *
Thomas drove Justin home to take a shower and change so he looked somewhat presentable. Then he drove Justin to the hospital after getting a promise Justin would keep him updated on what was going on. Although they had only met a few hours earlier, both felt as if they had known each other a lot longer and wanted to try to be friends. Justin figured he could always use more friends to support him through the wildness of his life.
When Justin arrived at Lance’s door he paused uncertain of what awaited him behind the door. Was Lance going to be upset about what he said and kick him out? Would Lance realize he had said all of he had because he was scared? The only way to find out was to open the door and see what happened. The sound of the door opening never seemed as loud as it did then as he pushed open the slab separating him from the man he loved.
* * * * *
When Justin poked his head around the door he was greeted with the sight of his older band mates all lounging around the bed where Lance slept. He would think it was a peaceful atmosphere if he didn’t see the tearstains on Lance’s face. Justin quietly walked into the room and smiled slightly when he was noticed.
“Man, where have you been? We’ve been worried.” Joey jumped up and hugged Justin tight to him. When he pulled back, Joey did a quick examination to make sure the younger man was okay physically. Joey had spent the last several hours worrying Justin had gotten mobbed or something so the examination eased his fears greatly. “You got a shower and changed. What happened?”
“When I left I was really upset.” Justin started to explain. “I went to this park near here and sat on a park bench thinking about everything. This guy came up to me and asked if I was all right. We talked for quite awhile and he helped me figure a lot of things out. By the time we were done talking I realized I was a mess and asked him to drive me home so I could shower and change.”
“Are you nuts?” Chris exclaimed. “You talked to a total stranger and let him drive you home? What if he was some kind of psycho? You could have been hurt or killed.”
“Chris.” Justin said quietly so as to not wake up Lance. “You know I normally wouldn’t trust a stranger. Trust me enough here to know I was safe. He helped me understand a lot. He helped me figure out what I wanted in my life and what I needed. Now, why don’t you all explain to me why Lance has tearstains on his cheeks.”
“He was really upset J.” JC said quietly. “He thinks he has lost you now. You two really need to talk.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured out this afternoon. Why don’t you three head home and get some rest? When Lance wakes up I think we need to work things out by ourselves.”
“Are you sure Jup?” Chris asked worriedly. “I know you need to talk and all, but he’s not in the best place emotionally right now.”
“Yes, I’m sure Chris. I know all about why he did this. It is one of the things we are going to talk about. Now go. I’ll give you a call later after I’ve talked to Lance.”
* * * * *
It was two hours later before Lance started to wake up. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Justin sitting beside him staring at their joined hands. Lance quickly replayed what he remembered and was sure Justin was not there when he fell asleep. Lance found himself staring at their joined hands as well, wondering what it meant. Justin had told him he loved him, could this mean he forgave him as well?
When Justin realized Lance was awake he tried to pull his hand away, but Lance kept his grip as firm as he could. “Please Justin. I know you’re mad at me, but . . . may I just hold your hand for a little while longer?” Lance asked meekly unsure of what Justin would say.
“Lance,” Justin said softly, “we need to talk. You know right? I don’t know how it happened or why, but our lines got way crossed somewhere along the way.” Lance just nodded in acknowledgement still keeping his eyes on their hands.
“Lance, I love you. Nothing you do can ever change how I feel. But I am worried you think you have to live up to some ideal. This is bad Lance. You are so sick and we are all worried. We don’t know what to do to make you want to get better. I want the old Lance back. The one who filled up my arms and my heart. This Lance now makes me scared to touch him incase he breaks. What can I do to convince you? What can I say to make you want to live?”
At this Lance looked up into Justin’s eyes. “You make me want to live. Being with you is all I ever wanted Justin. I wanted to be the perfect person for you. This was the only way I knew how to do it. I thought if I was skinny enough you would notice me when you were sober as well as when you were drunk.”
“Lance, I’ve always noticed you. It took me awhile to realize I wanted to do more than look, but I’ve always noticed you. I’m sorry I didn’t see what you were doing before it got this far.”
“I didn’t want you to. I wanted to surprise you . . .”
“Well, Babe, you did surprise me.” Justin said with amusement.
“What did you call me?” Lance asked wondrously.
“Babe. I know we haven’t gotten things figured out and I’m not sure if you could ever love me, but . . .”
“Oh God Justin, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love you.” Lance said tearfully.
“You love me?”
“Always. I will love you for the rest of my life Justin Timberlake. Whether you like it or not.”
“I think that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I love you too Lance. Always and forever.” Justin pulled Lance into his arms and they held each other as they made a silent promise to each other.
“Does this mean you’ll do what the doctors say? You’ll start to eat and talk to the specialist they want you to?”
“Yeah. I know it won’t be easy, but I think I found my reason to live.”
* * * * *
Two weeks later found Lance getting ready to leave the hospital. He had spent the last weeks talking to the psychiatrist the hospital had recommended. He had also spent time with a dietician about healthy eating habits and a specialist helped him work out safely and not overdue. He was busy from the time he woke up to the time he fell into an exhausted slumber at night. Unfortunately it meant he had very little time to spend with Justin. Justin hadn’t found a lot of free-time either. All of the guys had also been seeing some specialists to find out how they could help Lance and also what they needed to watch for incase he relapsed. All of them realized Lance was not cured, only in a sort of remission. He would always look at his body a little differently than everyone around him.
The five of them had agreed they would all sit down Lance’s first night out of the hospital and talk about every thing. In the little time they had together as a group in the past two weeks they had realized all of them were suffering side effects from what had happened with Lance. The psychiatrist had explained to all of them a situation like this had lasting and far reaching effects. All of them were starting to see the effects in the awkwardness they all felt now.
* * * * *
They had all congregated at Lance’s house the evening he was released. Joey had brought Lance home while Justin went to his own house to pick up what he needed for the next couple of days. They didn’t want to leave Lance alone. Justin wouldn’t have let him be alone anyway.
“Okay. Anyone want to start?” Chris asked after they were all settled around the living room. Lance and Justin were cuddled up together on the love seat with Joey settled on the floor in front of them. Chris was in a chair close by and JC had sprawled himself onto the floor by Chris.
Lance squirmed a little and then opened his mouth to speak. “I guess I should start. I need to apologize to all of you. I let my insecurities overwhelm my common sense. Since I joined the group I always had this small part of me saying I wasn’t quite good enough to be here. I’ve always been able to ignore it until lately when I let it take over and I’m sorry. You are my brothers and my best friends and I should have come to you instead of letting my feelings of inadequacy take over. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you, but I can’t. All I can do is promise to come to one of you when things seem like they are too much.” Lance finished and took a deep breath thankful his confession was over. Justin hugged him closer knowing Lance had been dreading admitting his problem to all of them, but also knowing Lance’s psychiatrist had told him he needed to apologize to all of them and admit his mistakes again to start healing properly.
“I guess it is my turn.” Justin said. “I also let my feelings of insecurity get to me. I thought I wasn’t good enough for Lance and didn’t know how to tell him so I withdrew into myself when I should have been turning to all of you. I know all I needed to do was ask and you would all be there to listen. Instead I shut you all out when I needed you the most. I’m sorry. I also need to apologize to you again Lance. I should have said something when I noticed you exercising so much and when you cut down on your eating so much. If I would have said something maybe you wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital.” Justin barely choked out the last as he fell into Lance’s comforting arms. Everyone in the room knew Justin felt responsible for what happened to Lance. They had all tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but he refused to let go of the idea. It was the primary reason he was seeing a therapist as often as Lance was.
“Justin, I don’t blame you for any of this.” Lance said softly. “It was me who took the comments from the fans and critics the wrong way. I was the one who decided to stop eating and take pills. None of this was your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself Babe.” Lance leaned in to kiss Justin in reassurance, but the kiss quickly evolved into a heated exchange. Soon tongues were battling back and forth and hands were starting to wander.
“Oh, I so need to paint them like this. Now they’re together maybe I will get a chance.” JC sounded ecstatic which caught the two younger men’s attention.
“NO!” They said simultaneously. “You are not painting us.”
“But, the lines of your bodies merging is so perfect. It cries to be put on canvas.”
“JC . . .” Justin said threateningly. “You are not going to paint us. End of conversation.”
“I could do it for a present for the two of you though.” JC tried one more time.
Lance and Justin looked at each other briefly considering it. “No. And that’s our final answer.” Lance said. “You can’t capture what we have on canvas it’s too large and encompassing.”
Justin meant to just give Lance a kiss to thank him for the sweet words, but again the simplest of kisses turned into more. Justin seemed to lose all sense of what was around him as he concentrated on the feel of Lance’s lips moving beneath his own. The taste of Lance’s tongue sweeping his mouth sent him deeper into the abyss.
By the time he felt Lance’s hands running up under his shirt he could care less they were supposed to be having a group meeting. Justin quickly set to work on Lance’s shirt, undoing buttons as he moved his lips from Lance’s down his neck to lick at the other man’s Adam's apple. He heard the low moan escape Lance’s throat and said against the skin. “You three can leave now.”
“But it is just getting good.” Chris whined. “You’ve never cared before.”
“We were drunk before and we weren’t in a relationship. Now get out.” Justin replied before moving further down to lick at Lance’s upper chest.
* * * * *
“I want to do it right this time.” Lance told Justin after the others had left. “I need to tell you something first though.”
“What?” Justin asked knowing nothing Lance said now would change how much he needed this man in his life and heart.
“All those times when we were together?” Justin nodded not sure what was coming. “I was never really drunk Justin. I was so in love with you and you would drink and then start to kiss me and I just couldn’t stop you. My dreams were coming true and I know it was wrong to take advantage, but . . .”
“Lance.” Justin cut him off. “It’s okay. I was never really drunk either. I think the alcohol just let me forget all the reasons I thought you couldn’t love me and want me. The desire to love you was always there. So, is that it? Anymore confessions before I take you up to bed and finally make you mine forever?”
“Um, no I can’t think of anything right now.” Lance said with a slight smile. “Justin?”
“Yeah?” Justin said distractedly as he stared at Lance.
“Please take me to bed and make love to me.” Justin’s attention quickly was caught by Lance‘s words.
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I love you Justin and I want to belong to you completely.”
Justin stood and held out his hand to Lance. Lance took a hold of it and pulled himself up and was promptly pulled into Justin’s arms. Their lips met and both groaned as the feelings of love and desire washed over them. Justin couldn’t control himself as his hands started to work down Lance’s back and onto his tight, round ass. He squeezed and then pulled back to smile at Lance.
“Bedroom, now.” Nothing else was said as they rushed hand-in-hand up the stairs and into the bedroom. They just barely made it through the door before Justin was pulling Lance’s clothes off, revealing his still too thin body. Lance was worried Justin would be repulsed as the sight of his body which he had come to understand was too thin, but Justin just took a deep breath and then started to work his lips down Lance’s chest as his hands made quick work of the boxer briefs Lance still had on. When he had completed stripping Lance he stood back to admire the man in front of him.
“I will only say this once. Please don’t ever be ashamed of your body Lance. I love it any way I can get it because I love you, the man you are inside. Yes, I want you to gain back some more weight, but not for me, not because it will make me love you more. I want you to gain back weight because it is the healthy thing to do and I want you with me until we are old men sitting on a porch swing talking about the good old days.”
Tears shimmered in Lance’s eyes as he took in the man before him. “I love you Justin and I always will. I want to grow old with you, watch you grow into the man I know you can become because I already love the man you are.” Lance then took a step forward and undressed Justin admiring the man before him as he went.
Once they were both naked, they took the half step needed to touch each other from knee to shoulder and stood together enjoying the feel of being together with no pretense. Soon though the feel of their skin mingling was too much for them to take and their lips met once again. Tongues caressed, hands caressed.
Lance pulled Justin onto the bed and then reached over to the bedside drawer to get the lube and condoms waiting there. He put them within reach and then went back to rubbing and caressing every inch he could find of Justin’s body. Both moaned at the sensations Lance’s mouth on Justin’s body created as he worked his way down Justin’s body and took Justin’s hard cock into his mouth. He held perfectly still for a few seconds before using his tongue to lick all the way up the bottom of the hardened flesh. He continued sucking and licking until Justin was right on the edge of oblivion and then he pulled back. “I want you to come inside of me Babe.”
Justin flipped them over and grabbed the lube to prepare Lance knowing both of them were reaching the end of their patience. He quickly thrust one finger into Lance’s tight hole and probed until he found that magic spot. He heard Lance’s intake of breath at the sensation of pain mixed with pleasure and he then inserted another finger working hard to prepare Lance for what was to come.
“Babe, please. I need you inside me now. I’m ready.” Lance pleaded and Justin was not going to complain. He lined himself up and slowly pushed himself inside of Lance until he was swallowed completely. It took a couple of minutes for Lance to adjust to the sensation of being so filled. Once he gave the signal, Justin began a slow rhythm in and out taking them higher with every movement. They worked at a steady pace for several minutes before Lance cried out. “Justin, Babe, I can’t hold out anymore.”
“It’s okay Lance, let it go. I’ll be right behind you.” At the words, Lance exploded and Justin followed a stroke later. They were both breathing hard as Justin discarded the condom he had used and then curled up in Lance’s arms. He was happy and content and sure he was right where he belonged for the rest of his life.