Sarah found the letters two weeks before the wedding. The two of them were doing an in-depth cleaning of the house before the wedding, because Sarah thought it would be bad luck to start their marriage in a house that wasn�t sparkling clean. They�d been working in separate rooms since AJ got sick of cleaning and seduced her on the bathroom floor, messing up the tiles she�d just scrubbed. It was because of this Sarah was going through the guest bedroom, and the boxes of stuff AJ had been meaning to throw away but hadn�t yet. Inside the boxes were notes from AJ�s first lover who just happened to be one of the stage crew from their first tour and also male.
When the two of them had gone over their sexual histories with each other, AJ may have forgotten to mention the four men he�d had sex with before they met. He may have also forgotten to mention he was bi-sexual with a strong leaning towards men. He might have even told her he�d never done anything with another man when she asked him if he�d ever done anything with any of his male fans. AJ knew sleeping with men was extremely risky to his career and chose to push aside his preferences.
By the time he met Sarah he was so deep into the alcohol he didn�t care who he slept with as long as he could be drunk while doing it. Sarah supported him through rehab, and even stopped drinking herself. It only seemed natural to continue the relationship after he was out of rehab. Then everyone told him he should ask her to marry him; they said it was the next step to take. Two weeks later he bought the ring and asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. He was happy because it was expected, and because it was what sober people did; they got married and lived happily ever after.
Once the screaming and crying were over and Sarah was walking out the door with a suitcase and a promise to return for the rest of her things later, AJ admitted to himself it was probably best it came out now. He�d been delusional in thinking she wouldn�t find out and at least now it was before they were married. It would cost him to get out of the relationship, but it wouldn�t cost him half of everything he had. Truthfully, he would probably never even miss the money or belongings she would take with her; the only thing they shared he really cared about were the dogs. AJ couldn�t help but think it was sad to note that he would miss the dogs more than the woman he�d been engaged to.
The Backstreet Boys were still on break for several more months; Nick had his solo tour still to do; Kevin was going to be on Broadway while Brian spent time being a dad, and even Howie was working hard on his real estate holdings and creating a world outside the band. It was because they were all busy that he sat alone in his house for a week after Sarah moved all her things out and took all the dogs with her saying she deserved them after everything he had put her through. AJ knew the day the news broke about the split because the phone started ringing non-stop. He listened to message after message offering love and support from his mother, Kevin, Brian and Nick. The only one who didn�t call was Howie, and the knock on the door a couple of hours later showed why.
Of everyone in the group, AJ was closest to Howie. No matter what anyone else said or what they told the press, it was the look in Howie�s eyes, a look of the disappointment and fear which pushed AJ into rehab. It was Howie who was there for him when he was craving a drink so badly in the months after he was released from rehab, and it was Howie who he poured his deepest secrets to over the years of their friendship. All of this helped explain why it was Howie who knew AJ wouldn�t answer his phone and the only way anyone would be given the opportunity to help him would be by forcing the issue face-to-face.
AJ couldn�t say the time spent alone had been productive. He spent the majority of it sitting by the pool, contemplating how completely he�d failed at being what everyone wanted. He was used to being the bad boy and shocking the world with tattoos and piercings, but those weren�t the people he was concerned about. It was knowing he�d failed in regard to what his family, by blood and by choice, expected of him that was now tearing him apart. He had already failed them by falling into the trap of the alcohol, but now he was failing them by messing up the one thing everyone had agreed would be best for him. He was supposed to get married and settle down, become the good husband who had put his wild days behind him. The fact he didn�t want to be a husband or settle down never even occurred to him. The people who were closest to him had said it would be for the best and that is the goal he had shot for. Unfortunately, he had also messed it all up along the way.
Howie used his key to let himself in when AJ didn�t answer the door. He found AJ in the living room, curled up on the couch, staring at the pictures on the wall of the last time they were all together. AJ was contemplating how much more complicated his life was since their break had begun when Howie sat beside him.
�She found the notes from Phillip.� AJ explained quietly, still staring at the pictures on the wall.
�I thought you got rid of those?�
AJ shrugged. �Was planning on it, just never did. I never thought she would find them or I would have taken care of it earlier.�
�She didn�t know you were bi?� Howie asked only a little bit amazed.
Shaking his head slightly, AJ glanced quickly at Howie, checking his response so far. �I knew she wouldn�t be able to handle it from some of the comments she made early on. It wasn�t like she has a problem with gays in theory, she just . . . �
�She has a problem with it in actuality?� Howie asked softly.
�Yeah. I knew it and so I just figured if I never said anything it wouldn�t be an issue. It�s not like I don�t love her.� AJ said picking at the hem of his shirt.
�You know, I�ve heard you say you love Sarah probably fifty times, but I�ve never once heard you say you were in love with her. It�s almost like she was more your friend then your fianc�e. Even now, you don�t seem destroyed by the thought of her leaving. I mean, I can tell you�re upset, but nothing like any of us expected you to be. I expected to walk in here and have you drinking or destroying the house or something, but instead you�re just staring at pictures of the five of us like you�re lost, but not like you�ve just broken up with your girlfriend less then a month before your wedding.� Howie said, trying to figure out how AJ was really feeling.
�My mom and Kevin told me I should ask her to marry me. They talked about how she stood beside me during rehab and how she made sure I didn�t fall off the wagon during those first few months. They said I should take it to the next level and settle down. They were right about the alcohol, so I figured they were right about this. I figured if I could live without drinking, I could live without other things too.� AJ shrugged his shoulders dismissingly and went back to staring at the pictures.
�You asked her to marry you because your Mom and Kevin said to?� Howie asked shocked.
�Yeah. Well, Brian sat me down and gave me a long talk about atoning for my sins as well. He didn�t actually say to marry Sarah, but it seemed like it was implied.� AJ explained.
�Alex, I don�t know what to say. Marriage is this huge, serious thing. You shouldn�t do it because everyone else thinks you should, you should do it because your heart is screaming at you to do it. I just, I don�t know what to say to you about this. I�m sorry you ever felt pressured to do all of this and I�m sorry I wasn�t here for you to help before it got this far.� Howie said sadly.
�Why are you sorry?� AJ looked at Howie, confused. What was supposed to be a quick glance to understand what was going on in his friend�s head turned into a long examination as AJ caught sight of something he never expected to see. Howie�s eyes seemed to be open pools of love and hurt and sadness, mixed with other emotions AJ couldn�t figure out.
�Because I listened to what Kevin said, too. He said we should let Sarah take up more of the slack on helping you get through everything. He thought it would be best if we gave you some space once the break started, let you just be yourself for awhile instead of a Backstreet Boy. I just couldn�t seem to take a step back and watch Sarah take up the spot I wanted to be in, so I withdrew completely. If I hadn�t kept my distance, maybe I would�ve seen what you were going through, and been able to stop it before it went this far.� Howie said, blaming himself for how AJ felt now.
�It isn�t anyone�s fault but my own. It was so easy to get out of rehab and let all of you take care of me, let everyone make the decisions I should be making for myself. I was struggling so hard to stay sober and finish the tour without cracking, it was just so easy to let all the other decisions be made by others. And you�re right, I love Sarah, but I�ve never been in love with her. She was a great friend and she helped me get through a lot of shit, but marrying her would�ve been a huge mistake. I�ve been sitting here for the last week realizing how big of a mistake it would have been and also realizing I went from one addiction to another. I�m no longer dependant on the alcohol, but I�m just as helpless. I haven�t really made a decision for myself in over a year and just realizing it makes me so pissed off at myself. I�m supposed to be an adult and yet I keep screwing up.� Alex said, the disgust in himself evident.
�You�re not screwing up, at least not like you think. We all agree the alcohol was a big mistake, but it was so easy to fall into with the life we had on the road. You were so young when we started and you never got the chance to explore all the stuff most kids do. Instead you were working insane hours and trying to be an adult before you were even a teenager. Now all of a sudden, you�re dropped and expected to know how to deal with ordinary life? Don�t beat yourself up because you stumble once in awhile. You may think you�ve sat back and allowed everyone to make the decisions for you, that you were too weak to make them for yourself, but I see a man who just needs to realize he�s strong enough to stand on his own, someone who�s already accomplished so much.� Howie explained, trying to make AJ believe him.
�I wish I could believe all of that was true.� AJ responded, again anxiously playing with the hem of his shirt.
�It is true and you�ll realize it if you give yourself half a chance. Give yourself a chance to get to know Alex, and I think you�ll be amazed cause he is an incredible guy.� Howie said, still trying hard to make AJ understand.
�I just don�t know what to do now. I mean, we�re still months away from doing anything with the band, and I�m just not sure what I�m supposed to do if I�m not getting married.� AJ tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, only partially succeeding.
�Why don�t you just try to be Alex for awhile? Go out and see who he is, when there isn�t Backstreet and there isn�t the expectation of who you need to be for everyone else. Just be Alex for yourself for once.� Howie suggested.
�Sounds kind of scary to me.� AJ admitted softly.
�It probably will be to start, but in the end I think it will be the best thing for you. Besides, I�ll be here anytime you need me.� Howie reassured.
�Promise?� AJ smiled slightly as he looked at Howie.
�I promise.� Howie smiled and pulled AJ into a hug.
* * * * *
AJ wasn�t sure if Howie expected him to take his advice quite so literally. After their talk, he called everyone and told them he was taking off for awhile but would check in occasionally to let them know he was okay. He then packed up a couple of bags and headed out figuring there was no way he could be a normal person in Orlando where everyone seemed to bend over backwards to fulfill his every whim.
AJ made sure to call someone every day to let them know he was okay. Usually it was Howie or his mom who seemed to be talking to each other a lot as well. He wondered about that for a moment before deciding there were other things to be concerned about; Howie and his mother talking was not something to be concerned about. Besides his daily call to check in, he drove and saw the country, stopping at hotels whenever he got tired. He also spent a lot of time writing which seemed to help him figure out a little more what was going on in his own head.
It was about a week into his trip he noticed how much attention he received every where he went. The recognition was a little more disconcerting considering he didn�t have any security with him though. So far he had been lucky and had only had to deal with a couple of fans at a time, but he knew he had to do something; his luck wasn�t going to hold out forever and things could get ugly real fast with groups of fans.
After taking a trip to a local mall in heavy disguise, AJ set about making his transformation. He knew the fans were on the lookout for the signature many piercing and flashy clothes, plus the facial hair everyone seemed to associate with him. The first thing to go was the facial hair, a few minutes with a razor and he was clean shaven. Next was all the jewelry. He hadn�t cut his hair in a couple of months, so it was already a different look for him and if he stopped covering it with baseball caps he knew it would help. The only thing to do about the tattoos was to cover them, luckily it was still winter and no one expected him to wear anything but long sleeves in February.
The clothes he picked were plain and built more for comfort then style. Instead of t-shirts with wild sayings, he now sported button down shirts and instead of his typical jeans and sneakers he wore Dockers and dress shoes. Overall, the effect was very preppy and totally not what anyone would expect from AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys. Just to be on the safe side, AJ added a pair of wire rimmed glasses which made him look more like a college student then an international pop star.
AJ talked to Howie that evening, explaining the changes he had made. Instead of laughing, Howie had reassured him it was probably a good idea and mentioned he might want to change the car he was driving as well. The fan sites on the internet were already buzzing about sighting him at various locations on his trip and more then one described his car and license plate number. AJ thanked Howie and promised him a picture of the new look as soon as he downloaded the latest pictures from his digital camera.
The next day found AJ trading in his BMW for an older model Ford Explorer. He figured none of his fans would expect him to drive something like the large SUV. Driving out of the dealership, AJ was surprised to discover how right it felt to just drive along by himself. Every day of his journey he had felt more and more content. Not just because he was in control of where he went and what he did, but also because every day seemed to bring a little bigger piece of who Alex was and what he wanted out of life.
One of the first things he came to realize was �AJ� was the Backstreet Boy, but underneath him was Alex-- the man AJ was searching for. He realized Alex was the man Howie already knew, the man Howie said was strong. It took a couple of days for him to change his thinking to where he separated the two as if they were completely different personalities, in many ways they were. AJ was outgoing and flirty while Alex was much quieter and just wanted to feel loved and accepted.
Another issue Alex needed to figure out, what he was going to do for the rest of his life. He had enough money if he was careful, so he would never have to work again if he didn�t want to. He was slowly beginning to realize Backstreet might never record another album. The group was in limbo until the lawsuit was figured out, and truthfully, Alex wasn�t sure some of the others weren�t happy about the extended break. All of them seemed content with where they were in their lives.
It wasn�t until Alex was sitting on the beach in Northern California, a month into his trip, that he realized what the greatest problem was. It only took him a few days to get used to his two personalities and realize the separation was probably a healthy way to deal with the whole fame thing. He could figure out what to do with the rest of his life. If he never sang with Backstreet again, he would still have his voice and could try a solo career or something behind the scenes. He also realized just because the break had extended longer then any of them expected, it didn�t mean it was the end of the group. Either way, Alex knew he would be okay with whatever happened regarding the group. Alex realized if nothing else he could even spend the rest of his life touring the world and be okay as long as he didn�t get outrageous in his spending. No, his problem was his heart and where it was leading him.
The whole situation with Sarah showed him one thing, he wanted to be with someone, wanted to love someone. He couldn�t say he missed Sarah as a lover, but he did miss her friendship, and knowing there was someone who would be there for him if he needed comfort or companionship. The past several weeks of soul-searching provided him with a belief he would be happier with a man, but even now he wasn�t pushing aside the idea of falling in love with a woman. What he did know was he really did want to be in love. He realized how much he wanted the idea of marriage, he just didn�t want it to be with Sarah.
Sitting on the beach, watching the waves breaking over stray pieces of redwood, Alex felt as if he were still missing something. It was like there was one more piece floating around in the back of his mind, waiting for him to fit it into the puzzle. He already had a sense of contentment which he�d never hoped he would achieve, but there was a feeling of something slightly off. He knew he needed to figure out the missing piece, and then head back to Florida to get back into his life. The past couple of times he talked to his mother, there was an underlying current of something in her voice, not quite worry, but close. If for no other reason, he needed to get back to reassure her he was truly alright.
Alex watched as the sun set into the ocean, leaving a symphony of colors in it�s wake. Staring at the beauty of nature before him all he could think of was how much better the moment would be if he could share it with Howie. . . and the last piece fell into place. All the calls to Howie over the past month made sense. The past ten years of closeness deeper than friendship came into focus, and Alex realized what he�d been searching for was waiting for him all along. There wasn�t even a question of whether Howie shared his feelings or not; Alex knew he did. He knew Howie had been waiting for him to figure it out for himself.
Alex�s first impulse was to jump on a plane home immediately, or call and ask Howie to come meet him. After a few minutes of considering all his options, Alex instead decided to call his mother for the daily check-in and then turn the Explorer for home. It took him ten years to reach this point; another couple of days wouldn�t make it any less real. It would also allow him time to truly accept the path before him.
Instead of the meandering route he took on his trip out to the west coast, Alex pulled out his laptop and soon had the most direct route home worked out. He figured he could drive about ten hours a day with no problem so the trip back would take just less then a week. He had already decided not to tell anyone he was heading back so Howie would be surprised to see him. Using the adrenaline still rushing through his body from finally working the whole thing out, he drove until late in the night, only stopping when the lines of the road started to blur.
The next several days followed the same pattern. Alex would wake up early in the morning, have breakfast at the nearest diner, then set out on the road. He would stop again late in the morning for something to eat, then drive until his legs cramped and he needed to get out and stretch a bit When it got dark and he got tired, Alex would find a place to stop for the night. After dinner he would call his mother or Howie, never informing either of his realizations or his plans to be back in Orlando by the end of the week.
On the afternoon of the fourth day Alex realized he was only a couple of hours away from Orlando. Pulling over at a truck stop, he filled his vehicle with gas and picked up a large bottle of water before pulling out his cell phone and calling Howie. He had actually talked to Howie the night before and therefore this should be the day he called his mother, but this wasn�t a call to check in and assure them he was okay. This phone call was to find out where Howie was and what his plans for the evening were.
�Hello?� Howie�s distracted voice came through the phone.
�Hey Sweet D. How�s your day going?� Alex�s said a little nervously.
�Alex? Is something wrong?� Howie asked worried, knowing it was too early for Alex�s normal call.
�No, just calling to see what you were up to today.� Alex said, trying to keep the excitement of seeing Howie soon out of his voice.
�I�m going through some paperwork before closing on some property this afternoon. What are you doing? You normally don�t call this early and besides, I thought it was your mom�s day to talk to you.� Howie said, relieved nothing was wrong.
�I�m just driving today and I know it�s mom�s day for a call, but I just wanted to hear your voice and see what was up.� Alex said with a smile.
�I�m glad you did actually.� Alex could hear Howie�s smile over the phone. �This paperwork and this whole deal has gotten to me. I can�t wait �til everything is signed, and I can take a couple of days off to just relax.�
�Yeah, you need to slow down and relax a little more. So are you planning on sticking around Orlando during your days off?� Alex asked, hoping Howie wouldn�t realize he was digging for information.
�Yeah, I don�t have any other plans. Thought maybe I would go see my family sometime this weekend, but otherwise I�m just going to sit on my deck and watch the waves crashing I think.� Howie answered, not even questioning why Alex would ask.
�Cool. I guess I should let you go so you can get everything wrapped up and start your relaxing. I�ll talk to you later, Howie.� Alex said, eager to get back on the road.
�Okay, bye Alex. Be safe.� Howie said, already half distracted by contracts.
�Bye Howie.� Pressing the end button, Alex couldn�t help but think fate was on his side with the way everything was working out.
* * * * *
It was about seven in the evening when Alex finally drove up to Howie�s home. He stopped about an hour before to clean up a little, wanting to look good when he saw Howie, but not wanting to take the chance at stopping by his own house. Looking in the rear view mirror one more time to make sure he looked okay, Alex didn�t even pause to think he was still dressed in his preppy clothes with his hair long around his face.
It took Howie a minute to answer the door after Alex rang the bell. He knew Howie would figure out it was someone he knew because he hadn�t had to open the security gate. Of course, it could always be a fan who crawled over the fence, they had all dealt with crazed fans in the past. The wait was worth it though when Howie opened the door and stared at Alex in shock.
�Alex? What are you doing here?� Alex could see Howie was a little thrown at having him show up on his doorstep, but Alex could also see the happiness radiating from Howie�s eyes.
�I came to some realizations and I wanted to tell you about them. May I come in?� Alex said, rocking back onto his heels.
�Of course. I�m sorry, I just never expected you to show up tonight. Please come in.� Howie stepped aside, closing the door after Alex had stepped inside. �May I get you something to drink or are you hungry?�
�I�m fine, thanks. Actually, can we maybe sit down and talk for a few minutes?� Alex asked, wondering again why it took him so long to realize Howie was offering every thing he wanted.
�Yeah, of course. I was just sitting out on the patio. Did you want to go out there or would you rather go somewhere else?� Howie asked, taking the chance to look Alex over quickly.
�The patio is good. I�ve always loved sitting on your patio and watching the water. It�s a good place to think.� Alex said with a smile.
Howie only nodded as he led the way out, sitting down after Alex made himself comfortable. The two of them watched the water for a couple of minutes before Alex looked over at Howie.
�First I need to thank you for believing in me and not letting me give up after all the stuff with Sarah. I also need to thank you for supporting me going off by myself even though I know you were worried about me being by myself. I really needed the time to work stuff out and figure out all my shit. I�ve pretty much told you everything as I figured it out, well I told you everything but the final insight, the biggest one. I was sitting on a beach outside San Francisco trying to figure out what�d been bugging me all along. I knew if I could figure it out I would be ready to come home, but I think I had to wait until I was really ready and then it just came to me. So I called mom and figured out the quickest route back to Orlando so I could tell you all about it.� Alex shifted a little uneasy, suddenly worried Howie might not feel the same.
�Why didn�t you just call me like you did with everything else? I mean, I�m happy you worked it all out, don�t get me wrong, but why didn�t you let me know?� Howie asked gently, seeing Alex was nervous.
�Because I wanted to see your face when I told you I finally figured it out. I wanted to look into your eyes when I told you I finally got it.� Alex looked up after gathering his courage.
�Got what?� Howie asked a little breathlessly. Alex could tell he still wasn�t allowing himself to believe.
�Got what my heart�s been screaming at me for years. Sitting on the beach and watching the sunset, I realized the thing missing in my life wasn�t whether I made all my own decisions or when the group was going to get back together. What I was missing was the person who stood beside me as I worked all the other stuff out. I was missing you. Once I realized that. . .I realized that even when you were right in front of me, I was still missing everything you meant to me. I�m sorry it took so long, but I get it and I�m here and everything I am is yours if I�m not too late.� Alex took a deep breath and waited for Howie�s response.
Smiling softly and sliding his hands into Alex�s hair, Howie whispered softly. �It�s about time, though I would have waited forever. Because as much as everything you are is mine, everything I am is yours. I love you Alex.�
�I love you too.� With the touch of their lips against each other, the promises were sealed and the wait was over.