There were reasons he felt this way. He sat down and made a list of each of them, planning on leaving the list with the note he still needed to write. He knew what he had planned was a sin, it would hurt people he loved and cared about. The darkness didn�t care about sin or hurting others. It wanted the ultimate reward. It wanted his life and it would have it.
His decision was not impulsive. He had been thinking about it since he realized the constant touring and working was coming to an end and he had almost a year to fill. Busta had died while he was on the road and he really didn�t get the chance to say good-bye. His Grandmother had died a couple of hours after he kissed her good-bye for the last time. His clothing company dream, Fu Man Skeeto had died a slow, drawn-out death. After so much death, it was only natural that he thought about it and started to plan.
He couldn�t do it while Lance was in Russia or up in space. That was Lance�s dream and he couldn�t ruin it. He couldn�t do it while Joey was on Broadway, fulfilling his dream in �Rent�. He couldn�t do it while Justin was in the studio recording his solo album, he didn�t want Justin to think of him every time he heard a song from his first solo effort. He couldn�t do it when JC was doing one of his frequent visits to Chris� house. He didn�t want JC to remember what he looked like when he was found. He couldn�t do it during the holidays because he didn�t want his family dreading that time of year. He couldn�t do it once they started recording because that may keep his brothers from ever recording music again.
With all the restrictions he had only a short period of time to choose from. He chose January 18, 2003. He spent the entire break preparing for the day. He had to have everything perfect for it. Nothing could be left undone. He had his lawyers rewrite his will, making sure that everyone he loved was going to be taken care of. He had his accountant organize his finances so there would be no problems when the time came to disperse his monetary value. He spent days alphabetizing albums, DVD�s, CD�s, and books.
He tried the hair cuts he always wanted and went to clubs he always said he would try. He went to restaurants to try foods he had never tasted before and flew to cities he always wanted to visit but had been to busy. Time was spent with all those he loved and he made sure to tell each of them how much he loved them.
Lance went into space and came back safely with tales of stars and contentment in his eyes. Joey�s time on the Broadway stage came to an end with rave reviews and promises of a bright future. Justin�s album was released and critics talked of the depth he showed. JC finished the last of several songs he produced for others and had a huge beginning on a solo album of his own. The five of them joined together on New Year�s Eve to celebrate their time apart had been happy and successful. They shared tales of what had happened and what they were going to do now. Only he realized his project from their time apart was still to be completed.
Three days before his deadline, he had people come in to clean his house from top to bottom. He had gardeners come in to groom the landscaping so everything was perfect. The pool was cleaned and the refrigerator cleaned out. Two days before his deadline, he set out his clothes they would need for his body. One day before his deadline he finished all the letters and set them in his office right next to his will. Each of them would have a letter letting them know how much they had meant to him and how this wasn�t their fault
The day came and he wandered around making sure everything was perfect, nothing out of place. He had everything planned and executed to make it perfect. He made sure he was showered, dressed and groomed perfectly. He didn�t want them to see any pictures of him looking unkempt if the news crews somehow got a hold of the pictures. Sitting on the side of his bed he looked at the two cups on the table. One filled with water and the other filled with pills.
He had the glass in his hand and the first handful of pills when the door opened. He looked up in shock, none of them were supposed to be here, none of them were supposed to know. And yet they were all standing there staring at him.
�Go ahead Chris. Take the pills. But you have to do it while we watch. Your last thoughts are going to have to be we are watching you die and we will never be able to forget it or get over it.�
He had set it all up perfectly, every little detail planned except this one. He couldn�t plan for their love or how well they knew him.
The water spilled over the rug, pills scattering as sobs overtook him right before their arms surrounded him.