"To days of inspiration
Playing hooky, making something out of nothing
The need to express
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane
Going mad"
With a duffle bag filled with jeans, t-shirts and sneakers sitting in the entry way, Chris opened the door to Joey the morning after CFTC ended. During the wrap party the night before, Joey had pulled Chris aside and asked him to spend a couple of days with him. With no more explanation then he needed to talk about something, Joey suggested the two fly up to a cabin one of his friends had up North. Of course Chris had agreed immediately despite having a list of things he still needed to get done before NSYNC went back into the studio in September.
The Joey Chris opened the door to was very serious which worried Chris a lot. After knowing each other for almost ten years, Chris knew the only time Joey got really serious was when something was weighing heavily in his mind. Chris wanted Joey, like all the members of NSYNC, to be happy no matter what it took. It was in the split second all of this was going through his head, Chris vowed to figure out what was upsetting Joey and fix it if possible during their time in the secluded cabin.
After a quiet plane trip and an hour driving in the rented SUV they�d picked up at the airport, Joey and Chris arrived at the cabin. They spent several more minutes carrying in groceries they�d stopped to pick up and their luggage. All the food was quickly put away and by silent agreement they adjourned to the couch. The quiet stretched for several minutes as Joey struggled to find the words to discuss what he needed and Chris looked around absently until Joey cleared his throat softly. With Chris� attention back on him, Joey began speaking softly.
�I guess I should thank you for coming along without asking questions.� Joey spoke slowly. �Despite what you said, I know you had other things to do.�
�Joey, you know I�ll drop anything to help you. Just tell me what I need to do.� Chris said, sliding a little closer to his friend to offer comfort despite still not knowing for what.
�This is really hard.� Joey admitted, staring down at his hands just inches from Chris�. �I told myself a long time ago I wouldn�t say anything to you or anyone about this. I messed up though and told Kelly one night when I was pretty drunk and now she says she won�t marry me until I talk to you about it.�
�Ok.� Chris said confused. �Just tell me. You know there isn�t anything you can�t say to me.�
�Do you remember the first time we met?� Joey asked, taking Chris by surprise with the direction of the conversation.
�Yeah, I think so.� Chris said hesitantly. �It was at Universal a couple of weeks after you started as Wolfman. Steve had forgotten to pick you up from work because he�d found a girl willing to talk to him and I saw you waiting and offered you a ride home.�
Joey nodded. �I never told you I�d seen you before. Before I even started working at Universal, I spent my weekends there. I�d catch your shows, always standing in the back so you wouldn�t think I was a stalker or something. Your voice was always so incredible and you just pulled the audience in every time.�
�I�m not sure what to say.� Chris said, still trying to figure out where the conversation was going and why Kelly was pushing Joey to talk to him. �It�s cool you liked my voice, even then. I�m honored, but I�m still confused.�
�Yeah, I know. I�m really trying to explain here, but this is even more difficult then I thought it�d be.� Joey admitted. �It�s kind of important you know about this though, hopefully it�ll help you understand the rest.� He stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing. �So I�d been catching your shows whenever I could and then you offered me a ride when Steve didn�t show up. I tried so hard during the drive to impress you, but by the time you stopped in front of my parent�s house I knew all I�d done was reinforce the idea I was just a kid. I was really surprised when you started to say hi to me when we saw each other after that night. Even more surprised and thrilled when you seemed to seek me out to talk every couple of days. It took me a couple of weeks, but I let myself relax and really listen and contribute to those conversations. Even now I think it was one of the smartest things I�ve ever done, letting myself take the time to see who you really were apart from my idol-worshipping.�
Chris nodded, still unsure where this was all going. Thinking back, Chris could still picture Joey as he was at seventeen. Just remembering Joey�s quick smiles and shining eyes devoid of any of the lessons he�d learned since then was enough to shoot pangs of nostalgia through Chris. It was amazing how different Joey was now from the young man he�d been then. It wasn�t only his looks which had changed or how expensive his clothes were, it was a loss of innocence that Chris realized all of the members of NSYNC had experienced on the way to successful.
�Do you remember the day Kelly and I broke up the first time?� Joey asked suddenly or so it seemed to Chris who could only nod. �I was so upset all day long and I�m not sure how you found out, but you were there waiting in the employee lounge on my last break. You told me to call Steve and my parents and tell them I had a ride home, but we were going to get something to eat first. Then you did this whole sick routine and somehow talked our supervisor into letting us both go home early since we didn�t have anymore performances, just a staff meeting. You drove the two of us to a city park and made me tell you what was going on.�
�It took me a long time too.� Chris said with a reminiscent smile. �You didn�t want to tell me, said it made you sound like a baby.�
�And you told me just because life got to be too much for awhile, it didn�t make me a baby. It just meant I needed to take a break from life for a few minutes.� Joey said with a matching smile. �You don�t have any idea how important those words were to me. Not only then, but all the time we were trying to get the band together and I thought about quitting. I would just tell myself I wasn�t a baby for being so tired or overwhelmed, I just needed a break from life for a bit. I�d head to a club or do something just for me and then I�d be alright.�
Seeing Chris still smiling, Joey continued. �Anyway, you made me spend time playing on the swings and slides and stuff. I thought maybe it was your way of saying I was a baby, but you were beside me the whole time, whooping and hollering. It was while we were spinning around on the merry-go-round and you were laughing, I fell in love with you for the first time.�
�Joey . . . � Chris said shocked.
�No, please I need to say this and then you can freak out or whatever.� Joey broke in to Chris� protest. �Before then, I�d looked up to you. Yeah, I�d thought you were sexy, but on the playground that night, I realized I was interested in more then how you looked or sang. We�d spent so much time just talking about our lives and our dreams and in one moment I realized I�d spent all the time falling in love with you as well. I also figured you could never feel the same way, so I pushed my feelings aside and wouldn�t let myself contemplate it again.�
�The next time it came up was the night Jason left the group.� Joey said quietly. �This time it was me taking you to the playground to escape for a little while. You were so sure it was your fault Jason left and although I never understood why, I knew I�d do anything to make you smile again. Once you finally did smile, I realized yet again I was in love with you. I allowed myself the one night to feel it and then pushed it aside. In fact, it was then I called Kelly to try again thinking maybe she could help me forget.�
�It was my fault Jason left.� Chris said stunned.
Joey shook his head. �It doesn�t matter now. Lance has been so much better for NSYNC then Jason ever could have been.� Chris could only nod his agreement to this before Joey continued. �Anyway, I�d pushed my feelings for you aside again and called Kelly who was more then willing to attempt our relationship another time. We got Lance into the group and then we were on such a whirlwind for so long I didn�t have the chance to dwell on my feelings for you. We were all getting so much closer anyway and it allowed me to be close to you without having to rationalize or make excuses and I was happy. Plus, Kelly was always there when I needed something more then a brief fling.�
Before Chris could interrupt again, Joey continued. �So we did the whole Europe thing and then repeated the whole experience here in the states and I�d almost convinced myself my feelings for you had disappeared. I was doing well with the whole flirting reputation and just picking up a guy once in awhile to take back to the hotel. Of course, I never acknowledged to myself the guys usually resembled you. Then Lance collapsed and I think all of our worlds buckled for a moment. While we were waiting for the doctors to tell us what was going on, not sure if he was even going to be okay, all I could think about was what if it was you who�d collapsed. I�m not saying I was glad it was Lance, truthfully I�d have preferred it to be me if any of us had to get sick. There was just a small part of me who was thanking God it wasn�t you. Of course, I still refused to say anything.�
Chris was looking shell-shocked, but hadn�t shown any signs of being angry so Joey continued. �All through the lawsuit and then the hype around Strings, I couldn�t push my feelings aside no matter how hard I tried. It was then Kelly and I separated again. She didn�t realize what was keeping us apart, but she knew there was something. Once we went on tour I slowly got it under control. By the time we did the HBO special, I knew it had been pushed away again and Kelly and I decided to try one more time. It was around then I realized as much as I loved you, I loved Kelly just as much. The difference was I could have her. I figured I�d gotten my life pretty much under control. NSYNC was a huge success, Kelly and I were back together and I felt fairly well content even though I had to push my true feelings for you aside. Then Kelly told me she was pregnant and I just knew you and the guys were going to hate me for it. I told you all and I was expecting screaming, especially from you since you started the group. Instead you were the first one to hug me and tell me how happy you were for me. You�ll never know how much it meant to me you were the first one to congratulate me.�
Chris looked down, studying their hands so close together and yet still not touching and said quietly. �I always knew you�d be a great dad. I saw you were scared, but I also saw you were excited about the idea as well. All I�ve ever wanted was for you and the rest of the guys to be happy. It didn�t matter if Kelly being pregnant somehow messed up NSYNC, I knew the five of us would still be together even if we had to play clubs or something.� Once he was done speaking, Chris lifted his head again and caught Joey�s eyes and the happy smile on his face.
�Yeah, I was excited and it�s really the best thing to ever happen to me.� Joey couldn�t help but grin thinking of his daughter. �The four of you being so supportive only made it better and then she was born and I saw you hold her for the first time. I wanted to ask you to be her Godfather, but I was afraid it would bring up too many questions from everyone. For a brief moment while I saw you holding her, I thought about how much I loved you, but then I pushed it aside. It didn�t come up again until I started planning how to ask Kelly to marry me. I went out with Steve and my Dad who were both upset over something and the three of us got drunk. When I got home, I told Kelly why I went out to get drunk.�
If possible, Chris looked even more shocked. �What did she say? I mean, you asked her to marry you after telling her how you felt about me?�
Joey smiled slightly, a little amazed himself with what had happened since the fateful night he told Kelly how he felt about Chris. �She didn�t say anything about it until I asked her to marry me. I figured maybe telling her was just a hallucination from being drunk, then I proposed. I was down on one knee in front of the house draped with the image of the Exploratorium and Palace of Fine Arts when she pulled me to my feet and asked me about my feelings for you. We sat down then and had a long talk and I told her all about my relationship with you, the way it was and the way I�d always wanted it to be. It was then she told me I had to tell you how I felt before she�d marry me.�
�So you tell me and then what happens?� Chris asked confused. �I mean, what�s the plan here?�
Taking a deep breath, Joey looked into Chris� eyes which for the first time in years, he couldn�t read. �It depends on you at this point. You can tell me you�re not interested and we either enjoy the next couple of days here or we can head back immediately. I guess you could even punch me if this all disgusts you or something.�
�And if I say I have feelings for you too?� Chris asked, not breaking eye contact.
�Well, after I stop hyperventilating,� Joey grinned slightly and was relieved to see Chris do the same �then I guess we discuss what you want to do. I love Kelly and I do want to marry her, but I also love you. Kelly is willing to share if you are, I mean if you want me.�
�Let me try to understand this, Kelly knows how you feel and is willing to share you with me, even if the two of you get married?� Chris asked amazed.
Joey nodded. �The two of us have discussed our relationship a lot and both of us realized while we love each other, I wouldn�t be truly happy always wondering what would�ve happened if I told you how I felt. We�re getting married sometime, no matter what happens here that�s not going to change. Whether we have a relationship with the two of us or with you involved is your choice.� Joey rolled his eyes. �Since you haven�t told me off yet, I�m assuming you�re at least considering this?�
�I think mostly I�m in shock.� Chris says plainly. �Though I wouldn�t tell you off, I might tell you how nuts I think you are though.�
�Hello Pot, I�m the kettle.� Joey said with a grin which Chris returned before they both got serious again. �Seriously, I know I�m hitting you with this huge thing without any warning, but I just had to tell you now or lose my nerve.�
�I�m really glad you told me.� Chris said glancing down at his hands. �Wish you would have said something sooner, but it�s probably for the best it�s now when we�re a little more mature and stuff.�
Still unsure of where he stood, Joey nodded. �You know you�re killing me here right? You haven�t kicked my ass or anything, but you also haven�t told me how you felt about all of this.�
�I haven�t, have I?� Chris said with a slight smirk which melted to a serious expression again as he caught Joey�s eyes. �I�ve loved you for a long time, but I figured I�d never have a chance.� Chris watched Joey�s eyes light up before speaking again. �I�m not sure I�m willing to share you with Kelly though. I�m trying to wrap my brain around all of this, but all I seem to get is this immense feeling of jealousy over the thought of Kelly and you together.�
�Oh.� Joey said dropping his gaze and looking slightly dejected. �So I guess that�s it huh? At least now I know where I stand. Hopefully we can still be friends and not mess up the group because of this.�
�Joey, I said I�m not sure.� Chris said, lifting Joey�s chin up until the younger man met his eyes again. �I think the two of us need to sit down with Kelly and have a long talk about all of this. I�m willing to give it a try, God knows I�m not the type to normally settle down in the whole marriage thing, so maybe this could work for all of us. I�m just not willing to jump in without talking about it first, this is way too important.�
�Ok, now I�m the one who�s shocked.� Joey said sitting stunned. �I really expected to either get hit or yelled at during this whole thing. Even having my heart broken sounded possible, but I never figured out what to do if you actually said you wanted to try.�
�How bout we spend a couple of days talking about stuff and then head back to Orlando. We can have a long overdue conversation with Kelly and see where we all go from here.� Chris suggested which sounded just about perfect to Joey.