I Am My Own Worst Enemy

   It's terrible to be me. I mean, I'm sure it can be terrible to be anyone -no one in particular- but being that I do not see where anyone but myself is coming from I'm gonna piss n moan about myself.

       Okay for starter's (this is my self-analysis bit) I don't think im all that bad..i really don't! I just don't understand why it would kill anyone to take five minutes and give me a call or maybe (shock) waste some of your fucking precious time and do something with me. It's been over two months since I've seen a single goddamm person from a class "of unity- of friends" that I just spent four years of my life with. And don't get me wrong -I have tried, I've actually made an EFFORT to get ahold of people and it's not working for what, I can only believe to be, intentional reasons.

         Okay - sometimes I talk too much. Maybe my sense of humor isn't all that's to be desired. Maybe my taste in music sucks ( I personally disagree but then again the world has no taste)? Whatever the reason is I have no friends in real life. I don't have anyone call me up to go out at night or have anyone spend any time with me.. just hanging out on the weekends or whatever.

Ahh let me move on a bit. All talk of lack of okay personality aside- let's just say that my personality isn't all that bad. I have no self-confidence and I have a body image problem larger than texas. The thing is - it's not that much of a problem because I am not an attractive person. I long ago learned that. And it pisses me off. . . it really fucking pisses me off. Okay so maybe I AM placing blame.. I really do deserve it..but I TRY eating right..i do as much exercising as I can with my lungs not copping out on me (sidenote: I have really really bad lungs -I'm not just oh claiming I do cuz its "convenient" I walk too fast - I could pass out. Dear god..areobics could kill me. (I actually enjoy exercise when it's not causing intense bronchial spazms that give me severe chest pains).

     I mean, I personally don't think looks are all that important, don't get me wrong. But hey, that's just my opinion. However - I see people all the time say oh looks don't matter and then not follow their own little cliched saying. I actually mean it. The reason im so hard on myself is that the only person who's opinion counts is mine about how I look, and how could anyone else find me attractive if I cant even find myself attractive? That- and- I know it's a defense mechanism. It's easier to tell myself that guys don't like me and don't date me ..or people don't wanna spend time with me cuz im ugly. My looks - something truly beyond my control- turns them off..they cant stand being around me etcetcetc. It's easier to think that people hate your looks rather than your personality. Cuz I mean, if looks don't matter- and that's really the case- then ive never had anyone guy irl interested in me because im a terrible person. Because who I am inside isn't good enough, because im not entertaining or someone worth spending time with- im not attractive emotionally or intellectually. And that hurts far more than just thinking im ugly. So id rather be ugly on the outside than on the inside though im really thinking it's both. I realize im babbling a lot. That im whining and complaining and this here just might be part of why people don't like me. . . but I mean, geez why?!?!

    It's like kids from school -it would be okay to sit and talk to me for 30 min in a cafeteria or a classroom..but when it meant getting together out of school they didn't have the time of day for me. Or they'd just forget to invite me or not consider me worthy or invitation. And guys--.guys..gah . . .wanna talk about MALES? The only actual signs of interest I get are from males that are too intoxicated to walk straight let alone thing or be choosy. "drink til she looks good" yeah well fuck you. I mean, ahh say one instance, a friend cuz I mean I really liked the guy as a friend and I messed around oh say just a bit ahh and he was intoxicated yeah, and cuz of that he doesn't have the time of day for me cuz he thinks I have a crush or he thinks im "weird around him" now or something. Not that he would say so. But I mean, grow up -don't flatter yourself buddy. I think your personality is terrific and id like to be your friend. Oy. Ahh okay that was a different rant but I wanted to sneak it in there.

    In anycase,because of my self-doubt, lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem and lack of ahealthy body image (not to mention unhealthy sleeping habits etc) im slowly killing myself both intellectually and physically. And im not sure I have the bother to stand up and object to my treatment. So I'm my own worst enemy- because I'm the type that destroys from within.

~:~Rozalyn~:~