Player Profiles:-
Please email me any profiles you wish to complete on a player. The Old Boys welcome any opportunity to take the piss.
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Gary Norwood (Striker - 408)
When it comes to discussing the magnificent Old Boys team, there are no boys older than Gary Norwood. Old enough to be most players' Dad, he has coached us at college level and couldn't resist the chance to dust off his old leather boots and join the Old Boys when the club was formed. In his final season, he showed no signs of age as he finished second in the scoring and player of the season charts for the reserves. His intelligent play (not trying to beat anyone for pace) resulted in him being an influential player for the whole season. Keen to show his young sons decent live football, Gary sensibly takes them to Premiership games rather than watching us, however he seems to have failed miserably to teach them about the merits of good football, as rumour has it the first Norwood junior is weeks away from his Old Boys debut
Adam Norwood (Better striker than his old man - 18)
Just as we thought we had seen the last Norwood to pull on the Old Boys shirt, rumour had it that young Adam Norwood was "keen" to join the ranks. He duly made his first appearance in a pre season friendly (having carried on the fine Old Boys tradition of not bothering with training), and scoring a very well taken goal. Adam started the season on the bench for the Reserves, however Chiefy soon saw the error of starting with Victor, and Norwood junior began his reign of terror on the league's creaky old defences, shooting to the top of the goalscorer's chart (and he would have stayed there had the league website been anything near accurate!). Adam also represented the first XI on a number of occasions as Warren couldn't resist having someone in the team who knew his route to goal once Steve Bowles got his yearly period on the treatment table. Scarily, there is another Norwood on the way ready to kick lumps out of the midfields of the Surrey Intermediate League - they have been warned.
Warren Birchley (Inspirational Skipper)
Warren joined the Old Boys as a work colleague of Tony Moscrop a few years back, and came with the apparent pedigree of someone who had played at a higer level and should find things very easy at our level. After some good performances and a few goals (well a bit of huffing and puffing round the pitch and a couple of tap ins...), Warren last season took on the mantle of First Team Skipper and soon realised (after a honeymoon period of several wins on the bounce), that motivating a load of hungover, unfit, 30-somethings like himself was a lot harder than anticipated, as is basic requirements such as giving refreshment to the oppo or sending in the results form on time. He has offered his resignation on several occasions, all times rejected as the Director of Football has every reason to believe he will get it right eventually (and has nothing to do with no-one else wanting the job), and shows just how good a director of football the club has, as the team were relegated as a result. Away from the Old Boys, Wozza is a Millwall fan, so you can understand him being a tad depressed with footballing life at the moment, and perhaps this is the reason why he constantly sings "no-one likes me, I don't care!" in the pub.
Nick Bunn (Goalkeeper)
Craig Clarke (Defence/Midfield - don't let the boyish looks deceive)
The invisible man of the Holloway team, the reason being that he is never on the pitch. Or when he is, he lasts about twenty minutes before going down in a heap and being stretchered off, usually to the nearest MFI or Homebase to pick up some decorating tools for the Sunday DIY stint. Seriously though, a frustrating knee injury is keeping "sick note" on the sidelines, and under his girlfriends feet rather too much, and it wouldn't be so bad had he not picked up the injury by actually putting in his hardest ever tackle and coming out second best. Happily, he has now returned to the playing side last season and has featured in both Saturday squads, and in a vain attempt to show some maturity has taken on the role of fixtures secretary.
Paul Agbeni (Midfield - 27)
Bagpuss is a magical cat. When he wakes up, all his friends come to life. He can also make his thoughts visible in bubbles above his head. Paul can't do much of this but he does possess a great touch and a keen eye for the ladies. Having played three years of first team football for the college, Paul originally was a force in the Reserves midfield, but last season finally made the breakthrough to the first team and deservedly won their Player of the Season award. Having been given the name "Bagpuss" at college for his constant sleeping and magical step-over, Paul is a good all-round player that, who on his day, can turn a game. With his fine clothes and constant smile he is a great addition to the Old Boys!
David "Towny" Ireland (Midfield - birth certificate lost with the Arc)
Towny is a throw back to the good old days of College, when men were men and
The Stumble made a profit (mainly due to his efforts). In those days Towny
sported a flowing mane of golden hair, but whilst that fine example of
mullet heaven has since been usurped by a Beckham-like no.1 (although as of 2003 it is on it's way back!), many of the
youthful attributes displayed on the hallowed Nobles turf in those sepia
days remain for all to see.
Towny is a man you want on your team. He never stops running, has a good
touch (as long as he's not wearing the silver boots his Mum bought him) and
he'll always get you a goal. The three sets of shin-pads that he straps to
what remains of his legs, tell you that he likes a tackle and he's as good
in the air as the next man (as long as the next man is Steve Bowles). An
unswerving will to win, typified by his desire to lead the Old Boys on to
the next level, mean that you have the midfield player that every club in
the Surrey County Intermediate League dreams of.
But beware. Give this man a bottle of wine and an ABBA LP and he'll undo all
that hard work with one flick of his flared trousers. You have to know how
to handle the 'ginger whirlwind' away from the pitch. There are many well
documented incidents of boot throwing, punches and headbutts, as Towny tries
to come to terms with life away from a football or The Happy Man. You can
take the boy out of Grimsby, but you can't take Grimsby out of the boy.
We wouldn't have him any other way though. Towny wouldn't be the icon of Old
Boys football that he is, without the drinking and the swearing and the
mis-guided beliefs that Grimsby has a football team. He's a traveller (by
that I mean he follows the England team abroad, not that he's
gypsy.............well..), he's a winner, he's Towny.
Dave Good (Defender - 29)
Former Treasurer and 1st team skipper, Goody recently returned to the club having spent a year travelling and getting married. Once a hard as nails Geordie, with a passion for the game plus the odd beer or twenty, the only nails he has anything to do with these days, are his own (getting them done at the beauty salon with the missus), and home making has certainly done nothing for the fitness. He will have to be on his toes this season, with the promise of younger players joining the club.
Marco Pucci (Striker - 29)
Much was the excitement two years ago when Rob Saltrese admitted he had a mate with Italian background who could come and solve the Old Boys goalscoring problems. Actually he might have said he had a mate called Pucci who played up front but that doesn't sound as good. Anyway, young Marco turned up shaven headed and promptly scored with a fine finish in a narrow win at local rivals Virginia Water. Since then he has shown many of the signs of a fine Italian striker, scoring when it seems easier to miss, missing when it seems easier to score, never passing to anyone else and preferring shopping with the missus to playing any day (allegedly). Last season, Marco made the breakthrough into the First XI and did not let himself down, and has then spent the recent pre season going on about what a great team the Italians have after their jammy World Cup win. Marco has recently moved to Brighton but remains true to his Essex boy roots by driving a GTi and supporting Colchester United. He also looks out for Wolves' results to ensure the missus is happy when he gets home.
Roy Victor (Striker apparently - 26)
Newly appointed Reserve team skipper (god help us), Roy joined the club at the start of the 2004/5 season, and spent the majority of the season either missing games or missing goals (he seemed to find both quite easy). He did however hit a belter of a goal in the home match against Virginia Water Reserves, at which point he stupidly put a bet on that he would outscore Si Peat by the end of the season. The smug grin on Si's face as he walked off with Roy's crisp tenner will live with him for a long time. 2005/6 saw an improvement, and an involvement for Royston in the 1st XI, for which he also opened his goalscoring account. Away from the Old Boys, Roy is an avid Spurs fan, so is used to under achievement, however as the Reserves' new skipper, he can only hope to form a team to terrorise the defences of the Surrey Intermediate Reserve League, so one assumes he will be directing from the sidelines.
Tom Taylor (Midfield - 23)
Young Tom Taylor was introduced to the club at the start of the 2005/6 season with a reputation for a fine left foot, if not for high levels of fitness. As they say, there as no smoke without fire, although with Tom it's been rather more of the smoke. Seems to think that warming up before a game involves a fag by the corner flag, he is part of a committee lobbying FIFA for fag breaks in the middle of each half, and can often be heard to comment, just after all the subs have been used, "phew I'm knackered, we got any subs left?". He does however have a fine left foot, and the ladies just lurve his stylish dress sense (quote: Tom Taylor, 2006).
Toby Green (Centre Back - 26)
Toby joined the club at the end of the 2003/4 season as the club's Reserve team struggled to complete its fixtures, and got to the desperate measures of inviting Gary Thrift's mates to play. Unlike Gaz, Toby showed enough ability to stick around for the following season, and has even now forced his way into the club's First XI, where he has also opened up his goalscoring account. A player who rates himself as having sublime skill on the ground, such is his showing off at training, he has however shown himself to be the one of the worst dancers ever seen, and on a recent visit to a well known Wimbledon drinking establishment, many a female were walking up to him to question his sexuality.
Mark Nelson (Midfielder - 29)
Midfielder Mark joined the Old Boys for season 2005-6 having played against us in a Pre Season friendly with his ex Leicester Uni chums, and expressing a desire to play for us (doctor's examination confirmed he received a nasty blow on the head during the game). Nels has since played some storming games in the centre of midfield, winning headers, tackling hard, dishing out the verbals, and his passing is as good as the next man (as long as he is not playing next to Frank). However, he has yet to break his goalscoring duck, and can now be shamed that his goalscoring record is worse than Rob Saltrese, Neil Clark, and Roy Victor.
Martin Leamon (Retired - 30)
Now moved away from the area, Honorary Club Member Martin's last season was ruined by an injury from an innocuous challenge in a keenly contested cup match. People have said that Martin will never have the same mobility again, however they seem to forget that he was the only ever player to require a three point turn to do a Cruyff impression.
Chris Long (Goalkeeper)
Chris made his debut for the Old Boys while still a student, such was the lack of goalkeeping talent available to the club. He now is a regular in the Reserves, however regular does disservice to the fact that he spends half the season on numerous holidays or on the piss. Ask him for a Lonely Planet guide to anywhere, and he's your man. Ask him to recall the last game he played for the Old Boys and what a blinding David James type error he made in that game after turning up 10 minutes after kick off (traffic in London is awful you know), he's more than likely to have forgotten. To be fair, Chris has kept the Reserves in many a game over the past few seasons, and is the current holder of the Reserves Player of the Season award, this no doubt helped by him insisting on wearing a ridiculously luminous top from his college days that has dazzled many an opponent.
Phil Middleton (Midfielder - 25)
Regular Reserve team left midfielder Phil has now been at the club for two seasons, during which time he has scored some fine goals, and sent over a stream of fine crosses for the likes of Pucci and Victor to miss. Seems to suffer regular injuries around the 75 minute mark (and it is nothing to do with his lack of fitness work), he has also recently filled in superbly at left back, covering for a number of cock ups from the fat lad at centre back. Off the pitch, Phil is still a single lad, everyone wondered why until seeing him in action at Chris Long's housewarming party where he got chatting to the finest looking lady in the house, only to leave her to it at the offer of a lift to the kebab shop. Phil is also a staunch Tottenham fan, hence Chiefy will never, ever drop him.
Colin "Chiefy" McGrath (Defender - 25)
Colin joined the club at the start of season 2003/4 on the recommendation of Steve Moody, and despite concerns about his fitness levels, he proved that skill and pace are not required when you are 100% committed and can bodycheck any striker that tries to get the better of you. Nicknamed Chiefy at college, after his ability as chief sneak in drinking games, Colin has become more involved in the running of the club, and has taken on the role of Reserve team skipper, where his knowledge of football will no doubt be passed on to the players, which is somewhat worrying considering he spends much of his spare time watching Tottenham Hotspur.
Has Mahroof (Defender - 29)
Storming left back Has has become more of a regular this season for the club, having seemingly shaken off his reputation for being unreliable in terms of availability (either that or he's lost the part of his busy social life that kept him out Saturday afternoons). However, he has retained his fine reputation for being constantly late, and doesn't seem to understand the need to turn up more than five minutes before kick off so as to prepare properly...and that preparation is more than a quick fag in the corner with Tom Taylor. Having said this, Has has been one of the more consistent players for the Old Boys, no mean feat considering he covers the left side practically on his own as Tom Taylor struggles to come to terms with the concept of tracking back. Away from the Old Boys, Has is a loyal supporter of Liverpool despite never having been near the place and can often be spotted chatting up females on the street corners of Egham.
Nick Cobbold (Ace Finisher - 25)
Nick joined the club in a time of need for the Reserve team in Season 2003/4, but established himself as one of the first choice strikers after a series of hard working performances. His strike rate left a little to be desired at first, it was suggested this was due to him watching Sergei Rebrov too much, but two fine strikes at league leaders Milford & Witley saw his confidence increase. However, off the pitch his scoring record seemed destined to failure until he stumbled across a foolish girl at work who was significantly shorter than him therefore couldn't see that he really isn't that good looking, and for some reason even found his jokes amusing. Therefore he now sees himself as some kind of Theo D. Wilderbeast in the luurve department, although his mates are quick to remind him of his efforts in the past, particularly on a lads holiday to Tenerife where the "girl" he snogged was estimated at being in her early forties. In the close season, Nick has been keeping his fitness up by playing his favourite pastime of Cricket, where he models himself on Freddie Flintoff, and as a result has a beer gut that Homer Simpson would be proud of.
Jon Hurrell (Defence - 30 going on 2)
Jon is threatening to make another return to us after a year away playing with a bunch of nancy boys in Paris, and then a couple of years in bed on a Saturday watching porn - the club has missed his reliable defending and moaning voice on the pitch. Holder of the record longest sulk of three days after someone nicked his Pringles, no little sister is safe from his cornish charms. Recently performed his first gig in his band, Chewy, the opposition forward lines will be rubbing their hands with the return of his winning own goals.
Si Peat (Midfield - 30)
Apparently nicknamed 'Boyvision' by his games master at school, due to his
uncanny ability to pick out opponents with long-distance passes, something
has gone terribly wrong in the interim. Simon has now been labelled 'Red
Mist Man' - if you want to find out why try kicking him off the ball or
calling his mum a slapper. The one word that sums up this boy is passion, an attribute he hopes to pass on to the club in his new role as Director of Football. Taker of one of the worst penalties ever seen in a cup final in season 2001/2, he was overjoyed on a recent work trip to Lisbon to meet Chris Waddle as he was able to compare notes on which penalty reached highest in orbit, as an occasional fill in he is also officially the shortest goalkeeper
ever to play senior football.
Stewart Ross (Gone Oop North - 32)
Rossi is a central midfielder who can wipe the floor with the oppo on his day. When fit, he could boast to be one of the best players in the club. Unfortunately, he has had a few injury problems this year, but with his ankle intact hopes to make a good impression on the 1st XI side. He won Players' Player of the year in season 1998/1999 and went on to become a key member in helping the 1st XI gain promotion with two fine goals against a strong Dunsfold side in season 1999/2000. His involvement took a new level when he finally won the role of first team skipper in season 2003/4, a role he always wanted, he led the team to a credible 6th place that season, but sadly his appearances appear numbered after he took up a new job in Leeds in October 2004.
Steve "Stan" Bowles (Midfield/Forward - 30)
Former treasurer of the club, Stan is a wispy and slight player who is deceptive in his attack. Arguably the most skilful player in the club he twists and turns his way past player after player. He has a neat and tidy finish and is always challenging for top goal scorer. A break to the arm kept him out of the end of the 2000/01 season and a bit of a car accident has left the lad with a sore back and a knackered car, but he's looked good since his return. Hopefully the past few months have toughened Stanley up a bit and he is ready to take to the pitch and better his already impressive goal a game ratio. He has recently married the lovely Carla, so will be putting a stop to those massive drinking binges and all night techno raves.
Dan Savill (Midfield in his dreams) He was about 23 when he started his five year plan...
Dan returned to the old boys after a spell working in the United States, hence his football ability had not improved one bit, unlike his waistline. Previously, Dan had disappeared to Australia for a while citing a five year plan to get his way into Premiership football via the Australian leagues. Five years on, Dan had indeed played in the Premiership, filling in for the injury struck first team in a Surrey Intermediate Premier league game(where he was taken to the cleaners by a sprightly left winger). Having lead the reserves to their first long overdue promotion, Dan will hope to pass on the skills he has learned while watching his beloved Southampton...the skills of Le Tissier and the discipline of Dennis. Dan is also a regular on the club circuit, after being dressed by his girlfriend, and has now taken on the role of Alumni Officer, and denies this is simply an opportunity for him to return to the Stumble and pull innocent Freshers.
Luke Thomas (Defender)
Luke was one of Si Peat's additions to the squad in season 2003/4, and made his mark in a style of which Si himself would have been proud, racking up a number of bookings for clumsy or cynical challenges. Told by doctors he has the ankles of a 40 year old, this is contrary to his maturity which reflects that of a toddler. Usually embarasses himself when drinking, he has snogged some quite horrendous women in his time (and there are photos to confirm this). Gained the nickname Binner, after revealing the reason why he never removed his suit jacket at work despite boiling hot weather, that he could never be arsed to iron his shirt.
Robert Sutton (Midfield) 33 (years, not stone)
Rob is one of the Old Boys longest serving players, and it shows. Those years of post match beers and chips up the Happy Man have seen the once lean fit mean machine (no sniggering) now sporting the sort of beer gut Homer Simpson would be proud. However he retains his cultured right foot which has seen him whip in many a corner of free kick normally associated with David Beckham (although Becks usually gets them on target) and in emergency situations he has kindly filled (literally) the position of goalkeeper, as results took a turn for the better. In other areas too, Rob has performed well, as his two young children can often be seen cheering Daddy on from the sidelines.
Andy Townend (Midfield)
Andy is one of the first crop of Old Boys and is now back on the pitch after suffering a nasty injury. He still maintains his tanned looks and a flowing mane of hair (which now is showing signs of greying) and remains an important cog in the Old Boys in a variety of midfield and striking positions, where he is always likely to chip in with a fine/damn flukey strike.
Dean Austin(Defender) 30
Dean, a new recruit to the old boys ranks as "a mate of Si Peat's", has the ability that every footballer craves...consistency. Unfortunately, the consistency involves turning up to games hungover and failing to make his brain engage with his feet. A shame as the man is passionate about his football, particularly of the Italian variety, where he was recently overjoyed to see his beloved Milan lift the Champions Cup, which resulted in him keeping his girlfriend awake by chanting "Milan! Milan!" in his sleep. Off the pitch, Dean continues his love affair with a pint of beer, which has prevented his fitness reaching peak levels, however a burst with the good old Atkins diet ensured his shirt wasn't quite as stretched last season, and also saw some strong midfield performances, and the jewel in the crown, his first goals for the club.
Tony Moscrop (defender) - a lot younger than the ancient ruin looks
Mozza, formerly the reserves beloved skipper, a position in which he undoubtedly lead by example - he had the worst disciplinary record, the worst goal scoring record (yes even worse than Davin's), and the lowest completed passes ratio. However, his team talks were inspirational, usually referring to how bad the oppo are, followed by how much worse we are, also pointing out that the referee "will not stand for any backchat", which usually guaranteed an early bath for the skipper for said backchat. After having decided to retire from the captaincy, no doubt disappointed at the reserves underachievement (similar to his beloved West Ham), Tony found a role in one of the teams, either as a cultured defender (with the ability to produce the most spectacular foul or get sent off for dissent) or as an all action midfielder (with the ability to produce the most spectacular foul or get sent off for dissent). Tony missed much of the last two seasons due to suspension for a huge number of bookings, however he was also part of the organisation that produced the memorable boat party at the end of the 2003/4 season.
Davin Shepherd (utility man) - 28
Davin made a dodgy start to his old boys career, getting sent off in one of his first appearances for two bookable offences. Since then, the appearances have mounted up and so have the bookings, usually for either a late tackle (after the ball has gone), or a very late tackle (after the ball, players, supporters, and tea ladies have gone and the grounds man is locking up). His goal scoring used to be a running joke until at last breaking his duck in the penultimate game of season 2000/1, then following it up a week later with a screamer from the edge of the box against champions elect Pyrford. A Tottenham fan from birth, as a result Davin notices the unimportant things in the game, such as once being handed the substitutes shirt but being overjoyed because it was the same number as Ginola, he also now abuses the TV screen every time Sol Campbell appears. Reduced to occasional old boys appearances after a job move to sunny Geneva, the usual burping, farting, dressed like a tramp Davin has become a new man since meeting his wife, so is now a burping, farting Davin dressed like a Barbie doll.
Neil Clark (Defender) - a lot older than he'd like to think
Neil, or Rodney as he likes to be known, came to college as a mature student. Mature by name, anything but by nature, the Bracknell boy has more tales to tell than a war veteran, of visiting the girls toilets, chasing Brunel students round Englefield Green, and prancing around behind the decks in Tommys Bar. Questioned on his sexuality after wearing white jeans and pink shirts, he did once claim he would sleep with Paul Weller, such was his admiration for the man. On the pitch, he led the college 2nds to a mighty, trophy laden season, and his all action, committed style has benefitted the Old Boys ranks. Rodney broke into the First XI in season 2003/4, after scoring a spectacular goal for the Reserves, however no-one told Rossy that the scissor volley was into his own net.
Graeme Sharpe (Midfield/Striker) - 28
Sharpey joined the Old Boys a few years after leaving college to bolster the Reserves push for a league and cup double. Earned the reputation as something of a supersub, scoring most of his goals after coming on as a substitute, as he struggled to find a regular berth in the side. Later playing a deeper breaking role, his goalscoring dried up somewhat, yet he retained his forward ability to miss piss easy chances and score impossible ones. Sharpey missed much of last season due to transport problems and was much missed. As such a tall lad, it is said his head is in the clouds, which might explain why he never ever passes the ball to one of his team mates!
Frank Nkrumah (midfield) - 28
Frank was a well known face in his college days, so it was somewhat surprising that he took his time to enrol in the ranks of the old boys. After a fine guest appearance in the reserves promotion season, where he was denied a magnificent debut goal by a diabolical offside decision, he became a regular in season 2002/3 and marked his first game with a fine finish which the ever honest Frank declared was a fluke. In fact, it is honesty that marks Frank out from the rest, which is a change from his college days when he had the reputation for slightly exaggerating things, such as "I come from a tough part of London" (Plumstead) to "I'm really good at football". Frank has become so honest in fact, that he is the first to hold his hands up and admit when he has done wrong, even when he has been so evil as to allow his leg to be stamped upon by Worplesdon's rent-a-philmitchell - yes it was Frank that was apologising as his "victim" was rightly shown the red card. If only he was as honest off the pitch, where no-one believes that a trainee accountant, even one from the ghettos of Woolwich, is so poor that he cannot stump up �5 subs every week - somewhat worrying as the wise members of the club unanimously voted Frank as the new club treasurer for season 2006/7...expect bankrupcy in early January.
Martin Owen Elliott (striker) - 30
This sheep has a squeaker in its throat.
Martin returned to the Old Boys ranks after three years shagging sheep back in his native Wales. Moe has added his weight to the Old Boys attack (literally), and has shown all the signs of a true goalscorer, i.e. missing piss easy chances, and making ridiculous claims for goals from shots that were going way off target and have taken about five deflections. However, his goalscoring tally is nonetheless very impressive, as he reminds many an irate defender who dares to declare that "Belly's gonna get ya!". Moe is fiercly loyal to his team, as was shown in the cup game at Hammer where the oppo keeper was laying into a grounded Davin, and whereas most of the team stood back and applauded, Moe flew in with the sort of quality rugby tackle sadly missing from the Welsh national side, however the referee was less impressed, showing him the red card. Off the field, our social secretary is a charmer to the ladies, and is the only man ever to succeed in pulling a girl by pretending to lassoo her across the dance floor.
The rest of the squad
Hopefully more emails will arrive shortly and more suggestions will follow so the whole Old Boys set can be completed.
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