The sun was setting, and it was the end of another long day at the Bar(red) Nun Ranch (Flagstaff, Az, 89725, ph# (205) 555-8976, prefect for your next vacation). Just as they did every evening at this time, the staff of the Barred Nun was gathering around The Porch of the main staff bunkhouse. Every evening, rain or shine (and let�s face it, it doesn�t rain all that often in Arizona in summer), the group met there, for at least a few minutes, to catch up on the days events. Like which guest was causing trouble now, what horse came up lame today, and the rest of the latest gossip.
�Howdy, y�ll.� Tin drug herself up onto the porch.
�Ya�ll?� Kelly asked sarcastically.
�Howdy.� Tin repeated herself.
�Howdy?� Barb asked in disbelief.
�Hey, give me a break, this is supposed to be a western. Now shut up.� Tin started over, �Howdy, y�ll.�
�Howdy.� The group answer in unison, with more enthusiasm this time.
�So what�s wrong with you?� Sabra, the head horse wrangler, asked as Tin flopped down in a rocker.
�Do you want a list?� Tin was met with silence, �Have you met that new guest yet? That �SoCal� chick? I swear she has claws. She would not let me go. Such a perfectionist that one.�
�Here, you need this more than I do,� Rowan handed her a drink fresh from the still.
�Well you couldn�t have had a worse day than old Lawndart over there!� Barb cracked. Sabra just glared at her.
�Tomorrow you can ride him,� Sabra said, speaking of the new three year old that had landed her in the corral mud more times than she�d care to admit during the last week.
�Ya, and then when Barb�s done, I�ll get on and show you all how its really done,� Rowan boasted, although she wasn�t really about to go anywhere near the back of a 3 year old. Only on a cold day in Hell.....
Just then Jordana, or JB for short (actually it wasn�t for short of anything, it was more like a nickname...) Came up to the porch. �Hey guys.� She greeted them.
The Porch feel silent. JB was the owner of this here dude ranch, and as such, she was also their boss. Everyone kept the jokes and gentle prodding to a minium, not wanting to risk a good wrist slapping by JB.
�Hi guys.� JB said again.
�Oh, hi boss,� they all stammerer in the own unique way.
�Having a good day?�
�Of course!� Kelly said.
�How�s the thumb, Kate?� JB asked. Kate was one of the many ranch hands. A few days before, while leading the previously mentioned 3 year old to a turn out, he�d spooked and somehow broken her thumb.
�Um, its doing better.� Kate said, as she stared at her thumb.
�Good. Well, listen up everyone, we�ve got some very important guests at the ranch right now, and I need you all to work extra hard and be extra nice to these people. I mean it.� JB looked around the porch, eyeing everyone, especially her confirmed trouble makers.
�What are you implying boss?� Kelly asked.
JB just smirked and said, �Anyway, if you guys treat these guests right, there will be a good reward for you all at the end.�
�Survival?� Kate asked.
�So what makes these guys so special, anyway?� Rowan asked.
�Well, one of them is a big time Hollywood script writer, and she�s come here to gather ideas for her next movie. So we need to show her some real ... hospitality... never know what might come of that. She�s brought with her a couple friends... a genius scientist who is overworked and on the verge of a meltdown. Now you have to be extra nice to her because she could really crack at any minute and she is here to try to recover a bit. De-stress if you will. And then there�s... well... I�m not going to tell you anymore. You just be on your toes a bit for the next few days. OK?�
They all nodded.
�So who�s leading tomorrow morning�s breakfast ride?�
�That would be me.� Kelly said.
�Yes, and Aubrey and I are going along to help out.� Rowan said.
�Good. Some of these people have signed up for the ride tomorrow morning, so I need my best guides out there. I am going to send Diane with you too, that way she can point out all sorts of interesting facts about the local flora and fauna.� It was a well known fact that Diane was a local to AZ unlike most of the rest of the staff, and therefore it was logical that she would know the most about local wildlife.
********
Early the next morning, Tin, Kelly, Rowan, and Diane were all up before the crack of dawn saddling the horses for the ride. Breakfast rides were fun, but they started before the sunrose, so that the guests could watch the sunrise from horseback. They would ride a ways, about 45 minutes to and hour (depending on which guests came, because they could go faster if they knew how to ride), then stop for breakfast which was hauled out separately by ranch staffers. After breakfast they would ride back to the ranch.
The guests started showing up right on time, just as the horses were mostly finished being saddled. The guests did not know it, but horse assignments had already been made the night before, based largely on riding ability.
The group was a mixed lot. A couple gangly kids (named Amanda and Tiffany no less), a teenager and her mother (apparently on some sort of bonding retreat)(that kid is a devil, the mother must be crazy!), a woman named Cookie and her friends Spotted Pony, JuiceC and Bluegreenblue (man some of these guests have bizarre names!), Ted, the mad... I mean overworked scientist (it should be noted that Ted is obviously a nickname, as she is a women), and the �SoCal chick� from the night before, whose name know one could seem to figure out (she had actually signed up for the ride as SoCal Chick).
Everyone was there who was supposed to be; everyone that is, except Aubrey.
�Have you seen Aubrey?� Rowan asked Kelly and Diane.
�No, I haven�t� Kelly said.
�Nope.� Came Diane�s reply.
�Weird. I wonder where she is.�
�New horse?� Diane inquired.
�New boyfriend,� Kelly jokingly winked.
�Also, we�re missing a rider. Someone named... Leah.�
One of the guests overhead this. SoCal chick said, �Oh, Leah is a little busy right now. She�s on her pre-honeymoon honeymoon.�
�So she�s not coming?� Diane asked.
�No.� SoCal chick said.
�Alright then,� Kelly said, �Time to pick horses. Let�s start with you two.� She pointed to the 2 gangly girls.
�OH! I�m just so happy to be riding, I don�t care which one I get to ride!� Amanda was brusting at the seams with joy.
�Well, then, I�ll pick one for you. You can ride... Red� Kelly pointed to a nice chestnut gelding. Amanda ran over and began hugging him and patting him.
�And you... can ride Fred.� Kelly directed Tiffany to Fred, a mid sized brown QH who was best buddies with Red.
�Well, Andrea,� Andrea was the girl with the pink streaks in her hair, �I�ve got a nice draft cross for you, Sally is her name. And for you, Karen,� that was Andrea�s mother, �May.� Rowan directed them toward their horses.
�Oh, and you, of course... well we have a special horse for you, miss...?� Rowan tried to get the name from her.
�Holly.� the SoCal chick finally said her name.
�Holly. Yes. Well, we know you can ride fairly well, so we�ve brought out a nice horse for you,� Rowan pointed her to a lovely TB gelding with 3 shiny white socks and a big star on his head. He was also a saint, so they knew he wouldn�t do a thing to harm their special guest.
The other guests where then all assigned their horses. Spotted Pony through a small fit, because she only wanted to ride something with spots, and at that point the only horse left with spots was Kelly�s own horse, Bo. Kelly refused to let her ride Bo (after all who would give up a ride on a sofa?), but she switched her with BlueGreenBlue�s horse, Spot, who was very spotted himself. This left BlueGreenBlue riding Zack, Cookie on Sadie, JuiceC on Dan, and Ted (who said she would only ride a gelding) on Matt. Diane rode her new mare, Sam, Kelly (Of course) rode Bo, and Rowan rode her especially handsome and wonderful gelding, Ducky.
The ride itself went well to the breakfast spot. There were only a few complaints from SoCal chick...er... Holly, about how uncomfortable the western saddle was getting. Breakfast was also uneventful. Kelly, Diane and Rowan thought they were home free when they were all back on the horses headed for home.
�.....So then she says to me, �But obviously the horse deserved to be thrown on the ground, or else why would the cowboy have done it?� and I�m like, �Whoa-��
�Aiiieeeee!!!! AAAAEIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!� A terrible screeching noise came from nearby, off to their left.
Two wild pigs came running in front of the horses, who all came to a dead halt. Fred through in a couple bucks for good measure, but Tiffany stuck em� out. Then an older man riding a chestnut horse came galloping through, screaming �AAIIIEEEE!!!� at the top of his lungs, chasing after the pigs. A cloud of dust rose up around then, and cleared only in time to see another younger man gallop in front of them as well.
�What the Hell is going on�SoCa- I mean Holly asked.
Diane, Kelly and Rowan all looked at one anther in horror, �TINO!!!!�
Before they could continue on their way, there was a friece struggle coming from the direction the �men� had gone into and horrible squealing noises where emanating from the area. The two men emerge back onto the main path.
�Well, hello ladies,� Tino tipped his hat to them. He shirt was covered in blood and on the back of his horse hung a freshly killed pig.
�Howdy, mams,� the younger man said.
�Is that... is that... the pig that just came through here?� Amanda asked in disgust.
�That�s right, little missy, it sure is. Hey now, we�ll be having a BBQ up at my ranch tonight, why don�t ya�ll join us.�
�Uh, no thanks,� Kelly said.
�Ya. We really have to be going now, Mr. Tino.� Rowan said as she attempted to urge her horse forward (he really wasn�t too keen on the idea seeing as there was a guy with a dead pig in his way.)
�You know,� Tino went on as if he couldn�t hear a thing, �My horsed used to be in the circus....�
�...And that�s a story we�ll have to save for another day. Ladies?� Diane lead the way away from these two... misfits.
�Hey, what�s down that road?� A curious JuiceC asked as they passed a fork in the road.
�Oh that is just C.O.T.H. It�s the ranch next door. You don�t want to go over there. Trust me.� Kelly said.
�What�s so bad about it?� JuiceC persisted.
�Well, its overcrowded, so no one gets along. I mean, you shoved enough people into a tiny room and you�re going to start a fight somehow.�
****
When they returned, they found Sabra and Barb in the main corral, along with the 3 year old. Barb was just strolling up. In one hand she had her gag bridle, and in the other a German martingale.
�I�ll fix this little puppy,� Barb said confidently.
�I�d like to see you try!� Sabra challenged, �Hey guys.� She said to the returning riders.
�Hey.�
�How did the ride go.�
�Fine. Except we ran into Tino and JR on the way back. Those two are having a lua tonight I think. Caught a wild pig.� Rowan informed them as she and the others went about putting all the horses away. The guests happily went off to do other things for the rest of the day.
�Great. Did we get invited?�
�Of course.�
�I wouldn�t touch anything Tino cooked with a ten foot pole.� Kelly said.
****
It was lunch time now, and there was a squabble in the mess line. This Leah person had finally gotten out of bed and now it seemed she did not want to stand in line to get her own food, which was the normal way of receiving lunch on the ranch. That way you could pick what you wanted. She was waving her arms all around her head, babbling incoherently, when JB approached her.
�Is there a problem, Miss?� JB asked politely.
�You bet your ass there is a problem. I paid good money to come to this ranch and sit and do nothing. Part of sitting and doing nothing is not having to get up and get my own food. I don�t think-�
�Would you rather one of our staff survived you then?�
�Well, yes... I rather would,� Leah said, instantly calming down now.
�Well, please have a seat. Kate, will you please take her order and bring her lunch?�
�Yes,� Kate said, wondering how she was going to carry a plate of food with her broken thumb. �What would you like mam?�
�Fried chicken, corn on the comb, a bottle of Naya water, and some of those yummy cinnamon apples.�
�Um, I�m afraid we don�t have Naya water, only Arrowhead...�
�OH! Well,� she said rather indigently, �I guess that will have to do.�
Kate was returning with her food when another guest, stood up in front of her and backed into her. The plate of food crashed into her and covered her shirt and pants. The bottle of water went flying and hit another guest, a lovely women named Susan, in the head. Kate fell down.
�Awww! My ankle!� Kate cried.
�Hey, watch where you are going!� The guest wailed.
�I�m sorry mam, its just my ankle!�
�Oh, you�re hurt!� the guest suddenly became overly friendly. She dropped to her knees to help poor Kate. �Aggal,� the woman said to her friend, �Go find the manager and tell her this girl�s been hurt.�
�Sure thing, Lucie.� Aggal trotted off toward the office where JB had been headed.
�She fell down! With my food, did you see that Holly? The service in this place is terrible!� Leah began to freak out again.
�Leah, I don�t think-� Ted, who was at the same table as Holly and Leah, started, but it was no use. Leah went on. Ted just put her head down on the table and started crying. She began babbling about how she would never be able to finish her experiments and if only she could stop time for long enough she could prove her theory of mind over matter and some such other nonesense.
�Excuse me miss, but if you would just take a deep breath,� Rowan walked up to Leah, �I�m sure that you will see this was an accident. We�ve got another plate of food for you coming.�
Leslie, the newest ranch worker, hurried off to grab Leah another plate.
The other guests looked on in horror. Leah was still ranting, and Ted was bawling. Kate was wailing. Another ranch hand, a kind soul, Jreventer, helped Kate up and off toward the bunkhouse.
Just then another fight broke out, this time between two tables of guests. When the bottle of water had his Susan in the head, Susan had thought it someone from the table opposite hers had thrown it at her. She threw her chicken leg at Nat, who then flicked her mashed potatoes toward Susan, only she missed and they hit Donna right in the face. Not to be out done, Donna tossed her open glass of water at the other table, and before anyone knew what was happening, the two tables broke out into an open food fight free for all. Susan, Donna, Nat, Barbie, Heavyhorses, and Oneandlonely went at it. Cim, Mgale and Erin all sat at their table, laughing at the others, until Oneandlonely saw them, how clean they were, and that they were laughing at them, and threw food at them as well. Now all three tables where going at it. It was total chaos.
JB finally came back out, just in time to see her plates go flying toward a tree.
�Well, what seems to be the problem here?� JB�s voice boomed over the yelling.
Everyone stopped to look at her. They all quietly sat down, much like school children.
�That�s better. Now, all of you, clean up this silly mess!� JB had to laugh. This was the 2nd food fight this week! �And if you do a good job, you can come to the big Lu�a on The Porch tonight!� she finally revealed the surprise.
Ted began to perk up, and Leah calmed down after her food got there and she had a good glass of wine. Holly sat writing notes to herself about what had just happened. Kate iced down her ankle and sat down to read a good book. Amanda, Tiffany and Andrea headed off in the direction of the stables, saying something about cleaning out the stalls �for fun� (which gave Rowan and Kate a real good laugh!). Lisa disappeared toward the correl where the 3 year old was waiting for her. Aubrey showed back up... it turns out she just got lost on her way into work that morning. Tino and JR were over cooking the pig in the sand. Sabra went to the bunk herself to go rest up her aching back. Barb thought that was a great idea and joined her. Nat, Diane, OneandLonely, Cim, Mgale, Erin, Heavyhorses, Barbie, and Susan all cleaned up their mess, playfully throwing a few bits of food at one another now and then. Spotted pony, JuiceC Bluegreenblue, and Cookie headed off toward the pool. Karen, who is a little bit crazy, went to play tennis with the other Diane. Aggal and Lucie headed off toward the barn to go take themselves out on a ride, with Leslie in tow because she was a Jr guide and needed the practice. Jreventer disappeared again as quickly Jreventer had shown up. Tin and Kelly thought a nap sounded nice. The phrase �nap� reminded Rowan of her horse (he does sleep a lot after all) and she went to make sure he was comfortable (not too hot, not too cold, had enough water, had enough food). JB just went back to her private office to pay some bills and laugh quietly to herself. This happens every week.
***
That evening, just as the sun was about to set, all the ranch hands and guests gathered around the Porch of the main bunk house. Tino and JR brought over the pig they had roasted that afternoon. JB and the kitchen staff provided the rest of the fixin�s. There were hula skirts and coconuts and a limbo contest, and loud music (although there was some bickers as too if it should be country, Indie, Alternative or Disco).
�I�ve done it!� Lisa came running up to the porch. � I�ve done it! I rode the 3 year old! I rule!�
�Good for you. Tomorrow you can break in the new stud colt.� Sabra smiled an evil smile.
Lisa just groaned.
�Are you all still trying to get that three year old ridden?� JB asked.
�Well, we�ve all tried all of our tricks on him and nothing has seemed to work.� Tin said.
�Have you tried just getting on him?� JB asked.
The Porchers all looked around at each other.... �Well, we hadn�t thought of that.� Tin said.
�Ya, if you�ve got all the smart ideas, why don�t you go try riding him?� Kelly said defensively.
�Ahh... maybe tomorrow,� JB said, and with that she sat down and had herself a nice margarita and watched as some of her friends tried to see how low they could limbo, and Tino entertained others with his fascinating �tricks� and circus horse (because what party is complete without the circus horse?). Leah was a little drunk by now, as were Cim and Nat, who�d been hitting the stile a bit too hard. Barb cut them off at this point, and Holly too, because while Holly swore she hadn�t had a sip, her argument would have been more convincing if her speech hadn�t been slurred at the time. Some of the younger Porchers sat on the steps, talking about horses and life and why the sky was blue and do you think there is life on other planets. It was the end to another perfect day at the Barred Nun Ranch, and JB and her friends all lived happily ever after.....
....Until that aforementioned Hollywood (get it Holly; Hollywood? Nevermind) script writer came back to town, shouting her newest movie, �3 Aces in a Whole,� on location at the ranch.... But that�s a whole �nother Oprah!