Tolerance And The Loss Of Discretion

Tolerance And The Loss Of Discretion

Tolerance is a wonderful concept within the D/s and BDSM communities. Tolerance means being openminded, if not outright accepting, of the various versions of the lifestyle that people choose to practice, and the BDSM activities that they enjoy. While that version of D/s or those BDSM kinks may not be for U/us as individuals, W/we are openminded enough to understand that such things are highly personal and that each of U/us has the freedom to enjoy the lifestyle and activities of O/our choosing.

That concept of tolerance is further expressed when people articulate their personal opinions on the lifestyle. W/we take great care to allow E/everyone the freedom to express their opinions, so long as they are not presented as "fact". If expressed as fact, opinions have the appearance of speaking for the entire lifestyle community, and no opinion (ie: personal preference) can speak for E/everyone.

So are there any lifestyle facts, as opposed to opinions? There are only three that I'm aware of, and they perfectly address nearly all facets of the lifestyle in a way that very few facts do. They serve to define the lifestyle, and set a boundary for what is part of the lifestyle and what is not. They empower the lifestyle with the freedom to pursue unique and personal preferences. They reaffirm the concept of tolerance of all personal preferences that fall within the boundaries of the lifestyle. They keep the lifestyle, and it's participants, safe. They act as a benchmark for O/our personal conduct. They are limits upon behavior. They do all this and more. That's quite a lot for just three rules.

So what are these three rules that contribute so much to the lifestyle W/we live? Safe, Sane and Consensual (or RACK or any other similar concept). So long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual, people have the freedom to practice whatever version of D/s they find most pleasing. So long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual, people have the freedom to participate in any BDSM kink they find most enjoyable. So long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual, the lifestyle community and its participants will remain safe. So long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual, W/we may conduct O/ourselves in whatever manner W/we like. So long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual, W/we may freely express any opinion W/we have (ie: no O/one has the right to scream "fire" in a crowded theater, because it's not safe to do so).

The concepts of Safe, Sane and Consensual are extraordinary in their brevity, and also in their application. Despite the fact that they are short, the three rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual apply to nearly every aspect of the lifestyle. In fact, to life in general. They're invaluable in that respect. Yet, they are also rules that must be followed in order to remain within the boundaries of the lifestyle. To be sure, there are people that are not Safe, Sane and Consensual. They may even adhere to the rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual publicly at dungeons, where Dungeon Masters enforce those rules, and then go home to play unsafely, insanely, and non-consensually in private. But no matter what their claims may be, they are not part of the D/s lifestyle or BDSM commununity. Simply making a claim to be something doesn't make it so. That claim has to be put to the test, and their actions (not words, as words without action have no value) have to be tested against the same three, simple rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual. No matter how vehemently O/one may protest, if it fails that simple test, it's something outside of the lifestyle. They may call it what they want, but the names D/s and BDSM are already taken. Choose something else.

Is this My opinion? Not in the least. This is fact. These are the only facts and rules that O/our lifestyle possesses. Without these three simple rules, O/our lifestyle would take on a different name.... anarchy. Anarchy is the term used for having no rules at all, not D/s or BDSM. Without these three simple rules, O/our lifestyle would become accepting of abuse, since abuse is determined by the absence of Safety, Sanity or Consent. Without these three simple rules, O/our lifestyle would become just what the mainstream media has always portrayed it as, and those of U/us within the lifestyle have criticized them for mischaracterizing it in that manner. W/we would become the stereotype of D/s and BDSM that is so pervasive; unsafe, non-consensual, insane, abusive, disgusting, etc.

In the past few years I've watched as more and more of My RL friends have discarded the internet. The great freedom that the internet provides for fantasy and role play have become the greatest danger to the legitimacy of online D/s, and the cause for an ever growing abyss between online D/s and BDSM and RL D/s and BDSM. There are many RL lifestylers that give no credibility whatsoever to online, although if practiced legitimately (if people's actions support the many words that fill these screens) I personally think (My opinion, as opposed to fact) that online D/s can be "real", although I'm skeptical that online BDSM can be practiced with any legitimacy. I've even written an article in support of online D/s titled "Let's Give Online D/s Some Credit For Reality".

So what does all this have to do with tolerance and the loss of discretion? Simply put, the concept of tolerance has run amok online. It's been mischaracterized, misused, bastardized, distorted, misrepresented and altered. Sometimes that's been for the purpose of altering the facts (Safe, Sane and Consensual) to fit online fantasy and role play, and sometimes as a clear attempt to take advantage of (ie: abuse) those that are less knowledgeable. I'll clarify that thought, but I want to take a moment to note that there's nothing wrong with fantasy or role play. They fit within the rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual just fine. But once fantasy or role play become indistinguishable from reality (whether purposeful or not), then it fails the test of Safe, Sane and Consensual. And if someone is simply trying to take advantage of those that are less knowledgeable (ie: abuse them), that is also a clear failure of the Safe, Sane and Consensual test.

The concept of tolerance is an affirmation of the freedom people have to practice the lifestyle any way they please, so long as it's within the rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual (ie: within the lifestyle). Tolerance is a vital part of the lifestyle for that reason. But online, the concept of tolerance has begun to change over the years. And dangerously so. Rather than affirming the right to practice D/s and BDSM in any manner that is personally pleasing so long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual (in other words, so long as it's part of D/s or BDSM), online tolerance has begun to shift towards affirming the right to do anything, period. Online tolerance has begun to lose it's meaning as a freedom from having O/our personal kinks from being judged, and begun to take on some misguided meaning as a freedom from having people use good judgment, common sense, or discretion.

Applying the rules of Safe, Sane and Consensual requires good judgment and discretion. O/one must use those faculties to determine if something is Safe, or Sane, or Consensual, because it's not always black and white. Is knife play safe? There's no universal answer to that. Done by a practiced expert, it's safe. Done by a novice such as Myself, it's unsafe. Safe does not mean the absence of risk. Walking across the street is generally accepted as safe. Yet, there is an element of risk involved that O/one may be hit by a bus. The fact that the risk is very small is why people consider crossing the street as safe. Still, W/we would not consider a three year old crossing the street alone as being safe. That takes some good judgment and common sense to determine. Yet, the use of that good judgment has a significant impact on the safe outcome of such an activity, or even the ability to give informed consent to participate in it at all. No O/one likes to feel as though their kink is being judged, or that they are being judged as people. And that's not what using good judgment, common sense or discretion, is all about.

Good judgment, or discretion, is the application of those three simple yet invaluable rules for the D/s and BDSM lifestyle; Safe, Sane and Consensual. It makes no comment on judging O/one's kink, but it sure does determine whether participation in that kink can be done Safely, Sanely and Consensually with the individuals involved. And it further distinguishes whether that participation is within the boundaries of the BDSM community and D/s lifestyle or not.

I don't want to make this article a referendum on Master/slave relationships. But I do want to point out that the rules (ie: limits) of Safe, Sane and Consensual even apply to those relationships. While slaves may not feel that they apply, invariably their Masters/Mistresses practice the lifestyle Safely and Sanely. And if they don't, invariably those same slaves "discover" their right of Consent and leave what they eventually realize is an abusive relationship, not a Master/slave relationship. So although slaves may not feel they have the need or right to determine what is Safe and Sane, their Dominants do. And when they don't, the slave exercises the right of Consent and leaves the relationship. All the elements of Safe, Sane and Consensual are present.

Tolerance is a wonderful thing. Tolerance is a necessary part of O/our lifestyle. But tolerance is not the same as asking people to stop thinking. Tolerance is not the same as expecting people to lose any sense of good judgment, common sense or discretion. Tolerance is not a license to abuse. Tolerance is not the same as asking people to become fools.

Is it tolerant to send Me a signed, blank check just because I ask Y/you to? No, it's foolish. Is it tolerant to accept the inclusion of children into the lifestyle, just because someone asks Y/you to? No, it's foolish. Is it tolerant to accept abuse, just because someone asks Y/you to? No, it's foolish. Is it tolerant to believe everything someone tells Y/you? No, it's foolish. Is it tolerant to ask that Y/you turn off Y/your brain, and not to use good judgment or discretion? No, it's foolish. Do Y/you see where I'm going here? Don't play the fool to someone that's either obviously not part of the lifestyle, delusional, or only seeking to abuse people. If it doesn't make good sense, then laugh and walk away.

Ok, here comes the part that's entirely My opinion. (Whooop!!! Whooop!!! Whooop!!! Opinion being expressed here.) I see five types of people out there that claim to be in the lifestyle.

• First, there are those that are in the lifestyle and openly embrace the concepts of Safe, Sane and Consensual.
• Second, there are those that are in the lifestyle that don't enjoy the "feeling" of having rules or limits that are inherent to being Safe, Sane and Consensual. So they claim those rules don't apply, but still live by them as evidenced by their actions. Harmless self denial? Perhaps. But when expressed to O/others that may be learning about the lifestyle, it can be dangerous. Because those novices will try to participate in the lifestyle without the protection of Safe, Sane and Consensual. That's not Safe.
• Third, there are those that come online for some fantasy and role play. They understand the difference between fantasy and reality, and openly admit that what they are participating in is fantasy or role play and not reality. They don't mislead people about who and what they are, and as such, do no harm to O/others. It's Safe, Sane and Consensual to participate in open and honest role play and fantasy.
• Fourth, there are those that are lost in online fantasy, and want to portray their fantasy as reality. They claim not be Safe, Sane and Consensual for all sorts of reasons, but can't ever defend those views without looking foolish (see the examples in the paragraph above). These people don't practice the lifestyle, they get on the computer, play fantasy for a while, and then turn it off and go back to the mundane life they so desperately need an escape from. They don't know the difference between fantasy and reality, and mislead those that desire legitimate lifestyle information. Their inability to distinguish fantasy from reality is not Sane, and they are not Safe when they profess these fantasies to O/others as reality. It's a lie, and lies are always abusive. Because someone will go out and try to practice that fantasy in reality, and if so, somebody's gonna get hurt. Really hurt, not cyber hurt. It's not Sane to lose the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. And it's certainly not Safe to recruit O/others to do so. And by misleading people, it also removes the element of Consent. Because without informed Consent, there is no Consent at all.
• The fifth kind of person is the predator. They feel a compulsion to abuse, and develop an "attractive" fantasy about having no limits or rules as a lure to entice some unwitting victim. Obviously, this is not Safe, Sane or Consensual.

So how does O/one know the difference between these five types of people, all claiming to be part of the lifestyle? Use your good judgment and discretion. If it doesn't make sense, don't be afraid to say so. Don't feel compelled to be a non- consensual participant in someone else's fantasy. Don't think that being "tolerant" means being foolish. Don't think that "tolerant" means accepting everything someone tells Y/you hook, line and sinker. Even from Me. And don't think that it's not "tolerant" to use good judgment, common sense, and discretion to distinguish between the thousands of players online, and the few that are real. Every "teaching" site that is handed out to newbies to read warns that the percentage of RL participants online is very small, no matter what people claim online. That's not just Me saying that. People are what they are. Recognizing them for that isn't intolerant, it's just good sense.

Rover

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