humor

* Little Johnny's teacher asked the class to discuss what their dads did for a living.
Mary said, "He's a lawyer. He sends baddies to jail."
Jack said "My dad's a doctor. He makes ill folk well."
All the kids took their turn except Johnny.
"Johnny, what does your dad do ?" the teacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's dead."
"I'm so sorry, " said the teacher, "what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat all over the carpet."

JOKES AND HUMOUR

JOKES :

* One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She fancied him, so asked him what he did for sex.
She told him what sex was and he replied, "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Jane said, "Tarzan, you don't know what you're missing - I'll show you how to have sex."
She strips off her clothes, and spreads her legs wide. "Put it in here !" says Jane.
Tarzan kicked her in the crotch. Jane yells, "What was that for ?"
"Tarzan just checking for bees," came the reply.

* Jenny snuggles up to her boyfriend after they've just made love.
"Am I your first love ?" she asks.
The bloke stares at her carefully for a minute and replies, "You might be. Your face certainly looks familiar."

* Dave shows up for work in a snappy new suit.
"They're nice threads," says his friend Mick.
"The old lady bought them for me," Dave replies.
"What was the special occasion ?" asks Mick.
"Dunno," Dave admits,
"it was the strangest thing - I came home early from
work the other day and they were hanging over a chair."

* A blonde lady goes into a doctor's surgery with a baby in her arms.
"What's the problem ?" asks the doctor.
"It's the baby," the blonde replies, "she seems to be very underweight."
"Is she bottle - fed or breast fed ?" asks the doctor.
"She's on the breast," answers the blonde.
The doctor decides to examine the blonde.
She takes off her blouse and bra to reveal a magnificent pair of breasts.
The doctor feels each breast, runs his finger over the curves and pulls each nipple.
"That's the problem," he announces," you're not producing any milk."
The blonde is stunned and asks, "Do you think that's normal for an aunt ?"

* An Asian bloke goes to the bank with 2000 yen to be converted into Australian dollars.
He hands the money to the teller, who hands him $76.
The following day, the Asian bloke returns with another 2000 yen.
He hands the money to the teller, who hands him back $64.
The Asian bloke says, "Why you only give me $64, when yesterday you give me $76 ?"
"Fluctuations," explains the teller.
"Oh yeah? Well, fluck you Australians too !"

* When Jack's wife died, he got depressed and went to see a psychiatrist.
"My life isn't worth living," complained Jack.
"Nonsense," says the shrink,
"make your work your life and totally submerge yourself in it. What do you do for a living again ?"
"I clean septic tanks," came the reply.

* A couple of aussies were adrift in a lifeboat. Going through the supplies, they stumbled across an old lamp.
When they rubbed it a genie appeared and offered to grant them a single wish.
One bloke was really thirsty and immediatly burst out, "Turn the ocean into beer !"
The genie did so, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Great, you idiot!" snarled the first bloke. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat !"

*An englishman and an american were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The american was annoyed because his neighbour was more interested in reading than talking to him.
"You english set yourselves apart from everyone else," he said
"Look at me - I've got Italian blood, French blood, Indian blood and Swedish blood. Whaddya say to that ?"
The englishman looked up from his book, "Very sporting of your mother."

* A man and a woman who'd never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both went to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top one.
In the middle of the night the man leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but i'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leaned over and said in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married."
"Yeah, OK !" replied the eager man.
"Good," she agreed. "Get your own fucken blanket !"

* Dave came home to find his wife in bed with his neighbour.
"What the hell do you think you"re doing ?" he demanded.
The wife looked at her lover and said, "There you are, I told you he was stupid !"

* A married bloke went to confession and told the priest he almost had an affair with a woman.
"My son," the priest said, "what do you mean by 'almost' ?"
"It's simple," the bloke replied. "We got undressed and rubbed together but then we stopped."
The priest was pained at this news and told the bloke rubbing was the same as putting it in. He instructed the bloke to say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the collection box.
The bloke left the confessional, said his prayers and walked over to the box. He touched it for a moment and went to leave.
The priest was watching him and quickly ran over in a rage. "I saw that!" he yelled. "You didn't put any money in the box."
"Well, father," the bloke replied, "isn't rubbing it the same as putting it in?"

* Two cows were chatting.
"I've just been artificially inseminated, " mooed the first cow.
"You're kidding, " replied the second.
"Nah - straight up, no bull !"

*A bloke buys his missus a burial plot for her birthday, but the next year he doesn't get her anything.
"So, where's me present then?" demands the wife.
"Fair go, you haven't even used last year's yet !"

*JENNY snuggles up to her boyfriend after they've just made love.
"Am I your first love?" she asks.
The bloke stares at her carefully for a minute and replies, "You might be.
Your face certainly looks familiar."

QUESTION AND ANSWER :

Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping tom ?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
Q. Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary ?
A. It passes through your jeans.
Q. How do you know you live in a bad neighbourhood ?
A. The church has a bouncer.
Q. What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner ?
A. He got the cold shoulder.
Q.Whats the definition of 'total impotence'?
A. Someone who cant even get his hopes up.
Q. How do you know if you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you.

Brighten up Your day with some jokes and funny pics.
Click on the links to view some more funny stuff.
If You got some jokes or pics that You want to share, email them to us.

Brighten up Your day with some jokes and funny pics.
Click on the links to view some more funny stuff.
If You got some jokes or pics thet You want to share, email them to us.