Every American’s Right

by Michael Graham

The following is an excerpt from President Clinton’s 1997 State of the Union address, following his narrow electoral college victory over the Limbaugh/Thurmond ticket.

My fellow citizens, you have sent me back to Washington to continue the work of bringing true security to every citizen, and I am ready.

We began in 1994 by bringing health security to every American.  Our universal health care program brought equity and access to all.  While the overall program is a little more expensive than the two trillion dollars we estimated, I am pleased to announce that costs are dropping somewhat this year, due to a drastic increase in the number of people who died waiting to see a doctor.  Nevertheless, we brought you health security.  [Congress applauds]

I admit, the civil disturbances that came with the minor 20% rise in income taxes was disturbing, but instead of seeing the challenges, I saw the opportunity.  We used the civil war of 1995 to confiscate every legally-held weapon in America, our first step in crime security.  And Surgeon General Elders announced today that, thanks to the disarming, the number of criminals shot while committing a crime has dropped by 50%, another health care savings.  [Congress applauds, camera zooms on Jocelyn Elders smoking a joint]

Then we took a tremendous step forward in social justice by guaranteeing every person access to a job, true job security.  Our law giving jobseekers the right to sue employers who don’t hire them has created a dramatic increase in the number of job applications, and a major increase in the jobs available for lawyers.  These aren’t minimum wage jobs, either.  Lawyers make big money - when they don’t get caught, isn’t that right, Hillary.  [Laughter, camera pan of Hillary and her parole officer in balcony]

After guaranteeing every American a job, we discovered that some Americans didn’t make as much money as others because of differences in education.  A student who could afford to go to Harvard make more money than one who went to tech school.  So we passed a law making every college and university in America charge the same price.  Immediately, the cost of tech school jumped to $20,000 a year.  Hey, no one said the security would be cheap.

So we have health security and job security and education security.  And yet we still face a crisis: Auto Care.

Millions of Americans lack access to quality auto repair and insurance.   They can’t afford the premiums, the coverage, the warranties that wealthier drivers take for granted.  When the working poor have a fender bender, or need emergency care - an alternator transplant, an expensive overhaul - they are plunged into debt, or worse, they lose their cars.

Without access to auto repair, Americans cannot get to their jobs, to their churches, or, .... (the voting booths)

I want to remind all you incumbent Congressmen, to the polls.  It is clearly in our ... er, America’s best interest to have the government guarantee quality car care for our citizens. [Loud cheers from Congress, close up of new “Auto Care” czar, Richard Petty]

My plan is simple.  Every American pays one price to the statewide “Auto Service Board”, regardless of the car they drive or their driving record.  After all my national health plan didn’t differentiate between healthy people and unhealthy people.  If smokers and non-smokers, joggers and non-joggers, sky divers and non-sky divers have the same priced health insurance, shouldn’t speeders and non-speeders have the same priced auto insurance?

And, just as with my health system, no one can opt out.  Every driver must buy their auto insurance from the government.  And, just like health insurance, selling private auto insurance will be illegal.  Why should someone be able to buy insurance that you can’t afford, just because they have more money?  I ask you, is that the American way?

And finally, since the major cost of auto insurance is in repairing expensive, luxury cars, these cars will no longer be manufactured in America.  Americans who drive Caddys and Porsches will have the same car payment they have today, but will be forced to drive a Ford Escort.  At last, we will have true equity on the highways.  [Standing ovation]

Now, I know what Republicans will say.  They will say that the reason some people have nicer cars and better insurance is because these individuals worked harder in school, they excelled in business or avoided bad choices in life.  Some conservatives actually believe that the few in our society who produce more deserve a better life.  [Boos from balcony, close up of Newt Gingrich eating raw beef with his bare hands]

Well, I say that every American deserves a better life whether he earns it or not!  I say that if you are an American you deserve the best health care, the economic care and the best car care.  And whether you’re driving a Yugo or a Jaguar, if you stick with me, we will all be in the same boat.

May the Goddess bless you, and Mother Goddess Bless America!  [Shouts of hosanna, Clinton is whisked off to awaiting sorority party]