Trying to Resist

It was cold outside. A freezing wind was blewing and everything was quiet. There weren't any noises to be heard. I was in my house and stood by the window and watched some birds trying to fly in the wind, which strenght grew with every minute. It almost looked like they danced over the fields. I turned my head a bit to see the neighbour house where she lived. It was now almost 4 years since she moved in next to my house. With her, her boyfriend and now fiancé. I fell in love with her the first time we've met. Rachel, that's her name, invited me and my, now exgirlfriend, over to have dinner so she could meet her new neighbours.

It hit me like a lightning. My girlfriend squeezed my hand in nervousness when Rachel opened the door. My mouth literally droped and I wasn't even able to say hi. Her beauty and kindness took my breath away. And while I was standing there with my girlfriend for 5 years, I fell in love with Rachel, whom I knew for less than 5 minutes. Rachel though was perfectly happy wih her boyfriend Jason and one year after that "incident" she got engaged to him. But instead of being happy for her and maybe propose myself to my girfriend, I dumped her and since then I had depressions and felt miserable most of the time. But after 3 years living like that I got sick of it and accepted the fact that Rachel was meant to be with Jason.

I started a new life. I was finally able to meet and talk to Rachel without feeling weird about it. The awkwardness was finally gone and we started to hang out almost every evening and we got very close. I even was on good terms with Jason but he was often away because of work so we, Rachel and I, were alone most of the time. And then there was this incident...

There was this week, three months ago in which I didn't see Rachel one single time. This seemed very strange to me but I didn't wanted to get too worried about that so I just concentrated on other stuff. But then there was this evening when I sat a few hours in front of the TV, wondering what might have happend. I gave up and was about to leave for bed when I heard it. Someone was knocking at the door in my garden. It was a desperate, loud knock which almost scared me. I slowly stepped in front of it and softly opened the door. What I saw made me freeze. It was Rachel. Crying and shivering. Her shirt torn in a few pieces which hung loosly down her body. She looked at me like a dog that was begging for some food. She wasn't begging for food. She was beggin for help. The tears roled down her cheeks and droped on to the floor. I was so shocked to see her like this I only stood there and stared at her. After my schock finally disappeared I finally realised what was going on. She had bruises all over her body, her cheek was all red and her eyes were red from crying. Someone hit her. Jason?

When I eventually signed her to come in, she burried her face into my chest and started crying even harder. At this very moment I felt so miserable, I even started to cry a bit myself. How could anybody be able to hurt a woman like that? To hurt Rachel? My heart ached from seeing her like this and there was only one thing I was able to do. I hugged her. I pressed her body against mine and hugged her tight. Then it all came back. The feelings, the longing. I loved this woman for almost 4 years now. Everyday a bit more. I wanted to kiss her and hug her and tell her, that everything will be all right. But for some reasons and also out of respect, I didn't do anything like that. I just hugged her till she broke it herself and started yelling. She was furious and mad, but why? In frustration she sweared and yelled and then suddenly she walked to the couch and sunk in it. I walked into the kitchen and came back a few minutes after with tea and cookies. I wanted so badly to kick Jasons ass but it was actually none of my buisness. I somehow suspected that it was all because of him, although she didn't say anything. Rachel calmed down a bit and slowly took sip after sip of her tea. She then looked at me and thanked me. A few minutes later she already left my house to go back to hers. Why did she wanted or had to go back so quickly? Go back to Jason? I had no idea what happend there and she obviously didn't want to talk about it either. But there had to be something....For some reasons I was a bit disappointed that she didn't share her frustration with me. Perhaps I could have helped her. But then again it was selfish of me to think that she has to tell me everything. One thing was sure though: With this whole scenario I realised that I still had very strong feelings for Rachel.

The following month was hard. RAchel avoided me or at least tried to do so. I didn't know why and it bothered me. Did I do something wrong? I couldn't help asking me this question all day long for one month. I started to miss her like crazy and I only saw her when I stood by my window and stared at her house. The house she shared with Jason.

The day came when I couldn't stand it any longer. I left my house with mixed feelings. I wasn't quite sure if that what I was going to do was the right thing to do. My mind was full of thoughts as I made my way to her house. With every step I made I got more and more nervous. I walked over to the front door and took one last deep breath. When I was about to knock, though I heard loud voices. They were obviously arguing. She was yelling and crying and he was furious....he yelled and sweared. They were fighting like I've never heard people fighting before. I bit on my lip and tried to understand what they were arguing about. I felt like I had to go in there and stop them but something held me back. I felt the anger inside me, I steamed and my hand were trembling. I wanted to break down the door and rescue Rachel. But rescue from what? Maybe it was her fault they were fighting?! But then again he had no right to hit her! For some reasons I didn't care anyway if it was her fault. It couldn't have been her fault. It was Rachel.

It was now quiet in the house. Maybe they forgave each other and were now hugging and kissing so I turned and left. But then the door opened..."Ross?! Wait!" Rachels  voice was about to crack and I could tell that in deed she was crying. I turned around only to find her running up to me. She suddenly stopped in front of me, again with this beggin look. But this time I embraced her and she gladly accepted. After a few minutes of hugging I brought her in my house. She was shivering and freezing so I covered her with a blanket and made her a tea. She was quiet during that. But this time I was going t ask her what happened. I wanted to help her so badly or at least comfort her and I wanted her to leave Jason. She was so miserable and that because of him. "It's my parents" she suddenly started and I was completly shocked by this outburst. Her parents? So it was not Jason? And she finally spoke to him...."What's with them?" was the only thing I managed to say and my voice was about to crack. "It's stupid - pause- it's nothing" she said with a low voice. "Rachel, whatever it is. It obviously bothers you and makes you miserable. I hate seeing you like this! Why don't you tell me what happend? It might help you!..." I tried to start a conversation but my chances didnt look too good. Her eyes had a sad look and she was tired, I could tell. But even then she looked beautiful. When I looked into her eyes I felt the butterflies in my stomach and her soft voice and smile made me melt. "I really don't wanna talk about it" was her answer. I reckoned such a reaction so I accepted it and smiled weakly. She did smile back which made me feel a bit happy. I made her smile! "Do you wanna see a movie?" I wanted her to stay this time so I suggested to watch a movie. She said yes although she was actually way to tired to even keep her eyes open. We both sat on the couch, she covered with a blanket and I, shivering of nervousness. Her nearness almost drove me crazy. Smelling her perfume and her shampoo wasn't any help to resist her. In fact, it made her even more attractive. I tried the hardest to stay cool and act as normal as possible.

We started watching Nothing Hill. I personally was not that big of a fan of this kind of movies but an action movie was definitely not the right thing to watch. 20 minutes later, it was almost 9 pm, Rachel was fast asleep, her head against my shoulder. She cuddeled a bit up to me. Having had her this close made my heart beat faster. My hands were all sweaty and my forehead almost wet of sweat. I watched her sleeping and I calmed down a bit when I saw how peaceful she looked. I decided to bring her in my bedroom so she could sleep over. I turned off the TV and slowly got up trying not to wake her up. She stired a bit but didn't wake up. I slowly lift her up and carried her carefully into my room where I put her down on my bed and covered her up. Looking at her made me wondering again why she avoided me for a whole month when she obviously needed me. Didn't she? I watched her sleeping. Her perfect body was covered with my blanket. Her beautiful face was on my pillow. Rachel was lying in my bed....and god damn she was Jasons fiancée. It was very hard to accept and sometimes I wished that she would break up with him....but why? She said that the cause of her being miserable are her parents. Does that mean she's happy with Jason? But I heard them fighting? What was that about? I didn't see any chance for me in her future. It made my heart break in two but before I started to get all emotional I looked back at her. At this perfect, wonderful and engaged creature, which was lying in MY bed....

I didn't sleep at all that night. Thousand things were rushing through my head. Will she avoid me again? Now that she had spent a night here? What will Jason say? Why didn''t she want to tell me what happend? And why couldn't I get her out of my head?!

The night passed with me eventually falling asleep at 3 am. It was 6 in the morning when a sudden scream woke me up and worried me to death. I rushed into my bedroom and saw Rachel screaming: "Jason!....Jason!!!!!.....Don't!!" She rolled from side to side and her pale face was covered with sweat. I had to wake her up from this nightmare so I sat down beside her and gently touched her cheek with my hand so she won't be scared. "Shhh Rachel, it's okay...I'm here. You're having a nightmare...I'm here." She woke up and tears immediately started to stream down her face. "Ross! Hold me...please" she whined and her voice softened as I pulled her against my chest and hugged her tight. She hugged me back even tighter so I could feel her nails in my back. I tried the hardest to calm her down and it took me about an hour untill she finally fell asleep again.

About three hours later I found myself waking up in my bed beside Rachel. She had her hands around my arm and held it tight but was still sleeping. I let her but I myself slowly got out of bed and out of the room. Then I called my boss. Another day on which I didn't go to work because of "stomach ache". Then I made breakfast and when I was about to bring it to Rachel she came out of my room. She looked scared and worried as if she has been chased by a hunter or a murder. Her sad look made me sad, too. "Thanks Ross for everything, but I have to go home now..." She looked down, sorry for leaving me like this. She slowly walked to the door and opened it to leave. "It's Jason, right?" She froze at the mention of his name and stopped breathing. "he hits you" I said it rather softly but the word itself is just so horrible...Rachel didn't make a move nor did she look at me. But her behaviour proved me right. She suddenly started laughing out loud. "What? Jason and hit me? You must have watched to much horror movies! He would never (her voice cracks) do such a thing....he......he .....(starts to sob silently)....would..never.....I thought he would never hit me...." She looked so weak and breakable and she tried to hold back tears and be strong but tears kept rolling down her cheeks. "Rachel...please don't do that to yourself. Talk with someone about it...(more softly) talk with me. Tell me what happend and please, stop crying. I can't bear seeing you like this. It breaks my heard, you know? "Ross, please.....no one must know! Do you hear me? No one! He'll  kill me when I tell someone" With that she sank and sat on the ground, her back against the door and then she burried her face into her knees, crying softly. I approached her slowly and got down, too. Then I started stroking her back when she suddenly started talking. She told me everything, showed me all the bruises....we sat on the couch and while she was telling me this shocking things I was unable to even say a word. How on earth could a man do such things to a woman? I was so angry with Jason I actually wanted to kill him with my own hands. "Rach, you do have to go to the police! You have to! There's no way you go back to this man, okay?!I won't let you!! No one has the right to hit you or any other women. This man has to go to prison for what he did to you!

After another hour of talking about Jason and what he did, I finally convinced Rachel to go to the police. I went with her since she asked me to. It was very hard for her but she did a good thing and I couldn't help but adore her for how brave and strong she was during this whole scenario.

During the trial Rachel lived here. She didn't want to be alone in her house, so I offered her to stay at my house. The next few week were hard, especially for Rachel. She had nightmares all night long and couldn't get enough sleep. She seemed to be ill becaue of the lack of sleep. After two weeks living with me, she got a bit better. She even laughed at my jokes sometimes...which made me very happy. I was proud of her, how she managed everything and how brave she was.

One evening we were watching Nothing Hill again since Rachel fell asleep the last time we watched. I, though, couldn't concentrate on the movie. There was something bothering me for a long time now and I had to know it. So I started..."Uhm Rach..." "Yeah?" " Can I ask you something?...something personal?""Go ahead" was her answer and she looked a bit worried. "What was actually the reason for all of your fights? You said he wasn't drunk or so, so there has to be a reason for your fights? Right?" Rachel's eyes widened and she bit her bottom lip. Then she looked down and took a deep breath. "I can't ell you that. It's too personal" she said very politely. I was disappointed that she couldn't tell me but I didn't want to push her or anything. "It's okay." She looked up directly into my eyes. I stopped breathing and started sweating really hard, although looking at her sent cold shivers down my spine. We shared one of these moments in which you actually kiss the other person. God I wanted so badly to kiss her but it was only a few weeks ago that she left Jason. I couldn't just kiss her and think that she'll kiss me back. Could I? Hm, I could also tell her about my feelings for her which I had now for almost 4 years, that I couldn't sleep because of her, dreamed about her....that I love her. Then again it was still too early to do so....so I just smiled at her and she smiled back. The cutest smile I've ever seen. Then her smile frown and she looked sad. "Ross...Im gonna leave that place." Her words came out of her mouth and it took several seconds 'till I realised what she said. "I have to. I can't live here anymore. Everything reminds me of him and I have to get rid of that..you know...This decision was not easy for me but I think it is the best thing to do now. " I felt a cold stab brick into my heart and I started bleeding inside. "I have to forget about him, about everything and I can't do that here." (you can hear now a soft piano play in the background, like beethovens moonllight sonata..) I was so shocked I couldn't  say a word. Rachel, the woman of my dreams was leaving....leaving me. without knowing how much I love her! "I'll leave in two days" Two days! I only had two days left...I felt like I was going to break down right there. I tried the hardest not to cry. It would have been a sign of weakness if I had let my tears roll. But I had to be strong and accept another hard fact in my life. Rachel left me with the news alone and went to bed. I stared completly lost at the TV...."Hugh Grant just drove to the airport to find Julia and get her back by telling her that he loves her.... Stupid happy end! One reason I couldn't stand such movie was because of the sappy happy ends which never happen in real life anyway. I stood by the window the whole night and watched Rachel's empty house. It was all dark but I could see the stars in the sky. Some were blinking the others shining constantly. My heart ached, my mouth was dry and my hands trembled.

Although it were the last two days with Rachel, we barely spoke. I was too depressed to find good topics for a conversation with her and she was too busy with packing to even care about how I felt. Again, selfish of me to expect her to care about how I felt when it was she who had this horrible past. The second day came of course too soon. I was lying in my bed and thought about what I was going to say or do when it was about to say good bye. I got up and got dressed so I could spend the last few hours with Rachel. The door to her room was already open so I assumed that she was either in the bathroom or in the kitchen. "Rach?" There was no answer. The bathroom was empty so I went to the kitchen to find it empty, too. I started to panick and about to call her name again when I found the red envelop on the kitchen table. Ross was written on it and I realised. "Nooooo, that can't be it" was what I thought and I slowly opened the also red letter and started to read with already watered eyes...

Dear Ross

I'm sorry I leave you like this but it would have been too hard for me to say bye to you in person. I feel bad for only writing a letter but then again the easiest way for both of us, I guess. I wanted to thank you so much for everything what you did for me. Believe me, leaving you is the hardest part of me moving away. You were always there for me, helped me, listened to me or just hugged me when I needed somebody. You were the only man I trusted during this whole thing. With your help I was able to start getting over it.
Before I end this letter I want to answer your question you asked me two days ago: The reason of our fights was you. Jason found out about my feelings for you and know you did, too. I fell in love with you while being engaged to another man. I tried the hardest to resist...
I'll never forget you

Love, Rachel

My hand were trembling again and while tears were dropping down my face I smiled. She fell in love with me! I smiled untill I broke down in tears. The pain in my heart almost killed me. What if I actually kissed her two day ago. Would we have gotten together? Or would she had left anyway? I wandered around the living room, trying to find an answer and trying to calm myself a bit. Then I almost fell over a video. I smiled a bit and took it in my hands and then it hit me...I remembered the scene...I threw it away, grabed my keys and my coat and run out of my house to my car.

I arrived at the airport ten minutes later. I knew that Rachel was going to leave the country by plane. But she never told me where she wanted to go. I run through the doors into the waiting room which was crowded trying to find Rachel somewhere. I had no luck. I asked the women at the counters (huh?) if they had a Rachel Green on their list. No  luck. I asked the last one and she looked at me, then down to her list and nod. "Yes, Rachel Green, here. She booked a flight to Florida." I couldn't believe my luck and smiled brightly. "Her plane left about an our ago". My smile frowned and my heart sank...now it was definitively over. No happy end. I went into a cafe next to the airport and ordered a scotch. Rachel left. Will I ever see her again? I remembered he times we spent together. When I comforted her, when she was sleeping in my bed...I felt sick and wanted to throw up. The waiter came with my scotch and put it on the table. I looked at it then trew money on the table and left without even taking a sip. Instead of going home directly I drove around....hour by hours through the whole town. I stopped whenever I saw a park and got out of my car and walked through the park and watched people. It was almost 6 pm when I finally decided to drive home. I pulled in my drive way and slowly got out of the car. I looked at the empty house next to  mine and felt sick again. The sun slowly disappeared and I saw up into the sky where some birds were dancing in the wind. I stepped towards the front door...and there she was. All her bags beside her and she ontop of one, smiling. I couldn't believe my eyes so I rubbed them and looked again. She was still there. "Rachel" I asked in disbelieve. "I figured out that this way both of us could be happy." She smiled and I didn't got it right away. Why both ? Did she know about my feelings? Well I didn't care. I run up to her and spinned her around, too overwhelmed to realise how lucky I was. I never felt this happy about seeing a person before. I slowly let her down and we were both smiling. "But why?" was all I managed to say. She didn't say anything. She just looked deeply into my eyes and then kissed me passionately. It was the longest and most passionate kiss I ever had with a woman before. I had it with Rachel. We didn't want to end it so we kept kissing.

Now we're married and have a daughter and another kid is on the way. We live now in Florida in a beautiful little house at the beach.

I got my happy end.
 

Very sappy...I know .