| IRELAND TRIP 2005 Thursday, February 10, 2005 I am currently on a plan from Chicago to London � my final destination projected to be Dublin sometime tomorrow morning. We�re experiencing a bit of turbulence � nothing to be particularly frightened about � it�s more of an annoyance, really. The in-flight movies don�t interest me, so I decided to pop in one of the glorious mix CDs I made, eat the pretzels out of my airplane snack mix, and write. I came into today with quite a bit of trepidation. The feeling of being completely unprepared took hold of me and I found myself asking, �Can we really be leaving today?� This surprised me in a small way � this is my third mission trip and I don�t recall ever feeling this anxious or unprepared. This could, I suppose, be due to the increase in responsibility I�ve been given or the fact that this time there is no Larry Carter to force me to be ready. I didn�t credit my apprehension to either of these things, though, but only to my lack of faith and trust in God. It was then that I saw that the crux of the issue was not that I shouldn�t go on this trip, but that I was expecting some revelation to roll over me that would communicate to me that I was adequate and fit to serve God in this capacity. I suppose in some facet of my mind I had felt that I deserved this trip � I had earned it. Yet I still felt so unready, and that bore with it a connotation that I was a miserable, sniveling creature who can�t get anything right. After I wrestled with that thought for awhile, I decided to draw a new conclusion. I am flawed, yes, but not unusable by God. My faith lacks because I am imperfect. I cannot rely on my trust in God to be consistent but I can be secure in that trust because it is not contingent upon how worthy or adequate or spiritual I am. I�m so foolish at times. This brings me to the question, why does God keep providing a way for me to serve him and the opportunity to do so in such amazing capacities? Is it because I�m willing? Is it because I possess some outstanding qualities that not everyone has? I doubt it. I don�t deserve one lick of what I�ve been given or been allowed to do. He�s brought me into leadership roles so many places I go and has allowed me to pursue my passions; but why? I�m sinful, I�m wretched, and I�m unfaithful. What makes God so good that he would bless me? Where is the source of this intense and powerful love? Will we ever understand the mysteries of God? If I search my heart, what I really and truly desire and long to desire is to be used by God � to be able to participate in his good works, proclaiming his truth, and to experience the supernatural relationship I�m not only allowed to have with the Almighty, but that he also desires in me and works and strives for. I just wish I would believe that I desired this more than I tend to. Friday-Sunday, February 11-13, 2005 Riding through the country of Ireland on the left side of the road � fun times all around. I find it hard not to fall in love with this country � there�s a captivating romance that emanates from the accent, the people, the culture. I love seeing how God is moving through the eyes of others � it makes him seem so much greater and vaster. I know I should always appreciate the beauty of my own home, but I can�t help but to focus on how blessed I am to be here. Everyone always talks about how green the grass is in Ireland, so you almost shrug it off; but you have no idea how green it really is. I try to find words to describe the places I�ve been, but it all seems to come out as an awestruck, almost stupefied, �It�s so beautiful!� (Think A Bug�s Life). There�s an almost eerie feel about it � it feels exactly as I thought Ireland would. As great as everything has been, I�ve been getting discouraged. Sometimes I feel ungifted and I wonder why God has blessed me so much in allowing me to come here. He literally made a way for me to come here with very little of my own cash � and now I feel guilty. It�s hard, because I know there must be a reason that I�ve been on three mission trips, yet I feel as if I hold no bearing on any advancement of the Kingdom. Is it simply that I�m one of the few who dream big enough to believe that God will take me places? Is that faith, or simply wrapping God around my finger? I know the problem isn�t that I�m unqualified, because I certainly am. God uses imperfect people � that�s Christianity 101. The problem is that I�m so self-absorbed that I think I certainly should be qualified instead of yielding to see what God wants done in his Kingdom. I love to serve people, but a lot of the time it bears with it a selfish motivation � surely someone will like me more if I�m a servant. The only one I need approval from is the only one who could never like me less. More discouragement: I am not close with many people on this trip. This is a great way to get to know people, which is what I optimistically anticipated coming into this trip. The downside is that you have a tendency to feel left out. It happens. For instance, in the house where we�re staying, I have my own room; and this makes me feel like the odd duck. It�s no one�s fault, it just worked out this way. What boggles me is how I spent half of my day wallowing in my own self-pity rather than understanding that some people are in more need of a friend right now than I am. God is ministering to people regardless of where my crippling pride kicks me to � I just need to decide whether or not I�m on board. I should know better. What kills me is that this whole �feeling left out� thing has hindered my ability to minister. I�m an outgoing introvert, which is a weird combination in itself, but I also have no boldness on my own. Unless there are close friends near me, you might call me shy. This comes off as me being distant and uninterested. But what these kids this weekend didn�t know is how much I longed to build relationships with them. I�m a long-term relationship-minded person, and these short-term mission trips and weeks of summer camp are hard for me because I�m weak in the area of starting relationships quickly and making �small talk.� I long so much to delve into the core of a person that if I sense the opposite of that happening, I lose interest. I try so hard to be different, but I can�t help some things about myself. I can always try to be better at making split-second connections with people (Jesus did it all the time) but I don�t think my being a long-term relationship person was a flaw in God�s design. I love missions and I love youth � both areas are in need of long-term servants. I don�t think that God put me in so many leadership roles in music, missions, camps, and youth groups by accident. So why should I settle for thinking that God isn�t going to use me? I�m not qualified or adequate but the one who empowers me and gives me strength is � I take comfort in that. I just have to keep saying �yes.� He�s helping me to grow � I just have to be patient. Monday, February 14, 2005 Hands down � good day. I slept until 11am. I haven�t done that in awhile � and never on a mission trip; though that could be due to the absence of Larry Carter. I really felt like a tourist today. I could almost slip into the shoes of on looking natives and watch us while thinking � what idiots. Yet what do you do in a place you�ve never been before? You look around. It�s like a small child who enters a room that�s new to them � they have to explore a bit, climb on things a bit, say �Whoa!� a bit. Speaking of climbing � we climbed a mountainesque hilltop today that overlooked the Irish Sea. I realized that I�m out of shape (or rather, I was reminded) but the scenery was utterly breathtaking. It�s very windy here, but so beautiful words don�t do it justice. God has given us such a very wonderful dwelling place � I fail the ability to imagine the look of it when it�s perfected in his new creation. If this is only a sample � the real thing is worthy of a personal explosion. I�ve never been on a trip with so many boys, but it�s been alright so far. I don�t get to spend as much time with the girls as I had hoped, but that leaves me room to do what I do best � be one of the guys. This has always been somewhat problematic, as most boys don�t want to date another boy (which I think is less the reason for my singleness that I let on, I�m sure) but since there are only three single boys on this trip and one is my cousin, one is eleven, and the other I don�t know very well, it�s smooth sailing. I love having carefree relationships with boys when attraction doesn�t really have to be involved. I�m content being a boy (minus the nakedness). I suppose I�m more girly for even thinking about this, and I realize I�m much more feminine than I let on. I�ve just come to the conclusion that I don�t need makeup, I don�t like doing my hair, I�ll never be small and cutesy, and I�d choose just about anything over shopping. That�s a dating death sentence, isn�t it? On a different note (thank God), I was trying to come up with words to encapsulate my prayer and thoughts today, and the song I�m listening to by Jars of Clay just did it for me: For those under the clouds Staring up in awesome wonder As tears come slowly down Reaching up a needful hand You are my eyes when I cannot see You are my voice, you sing through me You are my strength in weakness be To find that I could fall And still your grace surrounds pursuing To freely stumble down And feel your hands around my heart You are my eyes when I cannot see You are my voice, you sing through me You are my strength in weakness be Holy I depend more on me than I ought. Tuesday, February 15, 2005 Well. I woke up sick and it got progressively worse. I was a complete vegetable for half the day until Chuck was kind enough to share his fever-reducing pills with me. They worked their pharmaceutical magic, and the rest of the day was smooth sailing. Shopping. Ugh. I got some nice goodies for the family, but all day shopping is to me as Kryptonite is to Superman. In some small way today I felt as if I connected with the leaders we�re working with. I was getting discouraged because I was so sure that God was taking me to Ireland (if even for a short time) to minister, and because of my already crippled disposition and my lack of good communication skills, I felt as if I was making no connections at all. I�m to the point where I can make and sustain conversation and even joke around with them. It�s encouraging to say the least. There�s not much to report today as shopping rarely produces deep thought. I do thank God for looking after me while I was sick, though. There�s nothing worse than going to another country and getting sick and having to miss stuff; which is what happened in the DR. Hopefully, Lord willing, tomorrow I�ll be healthy and alert and ready to go. Wednesday-Thursday, February 16-17, 2005 Well. It�s taken a long time for a report as I have become very ill. My fever just broke, and I think I should be able to sleep for weeks if I were given the opportunity. I hate the attention. Everyone ever five seconds is asking me how I�m doing or handing me medicine or vitamins. I�m honestly glad that people care, but it makes me feel like a major wuss. There�s nothing worse than coming all the way to another country and having to miss stuff because you�re sick. The worship team is hurting � I can�t sing, and Chuck is as bad as I am. I keep praying that we�ll recover soon. I have had a chance to do some things while I�ve been here, though. Yesterday I had the chance to ride a dirt bike for the first time, and it was so much fun. I would like to try it out more in the States. I got to see a castle that they used in Braveheart, an abbey, and the manor they used in The Count of Monte Cristo. It didn�t feel as cool as I thought it would, though � maybe it was my attitude. I felt very invisible today. Aside from the barrage of people asking me about my health, much of the time I felt like no one knew I was there. At the manor, I was so discouraged that I started to cry. Part of it was being sick, but the rest was all me. I�m mad because in this group, you have to be cool and witty and charming, and due to my under the weather condition, I haven�t a chance to be any. Now, I shouldn�t have to be; but I�m worried that people will think I�m really this quiet or disinterested. I�m so drugged I can hardly process a sentence (verbally � speaking has never been a strong point of mine). When everything gets boiled down, though, the problem is not my health or the group. No, I�ve learned that the problem is never the circumstances. We are always praying for God to change our circumstances when he is simply trying to change us. I�m not relying on God enough. I can go a fairly long time on my own, and I think I�ve put way too much stock into that. When I break down, though, it�s a harsh, dismembering break down and all my insecurity and pride and flaws are brought to the surface. Try as I might, it�s impossible to hide them. And since people are more judgmental than they ought to be and I care more about what people think than I ought to, I worry and get scared. I have to hit rock bottom before I realize I�m being ridiculous. Rock bottom and I clunked heads today; and with prayer, my childish, pouty attitude will stop. Not to impress anyone, but to be transformed into a creature closer to what God intended when he made me. Only he knows my potential and only he knows how I will be used. No matter how sick or discouraged I am, I need to praise him. Maybe that�s what he�s trying to teach me � to celebrate in the midst of suffering. Friday, February 18, 2005 Today was supremely awesome. God totally answered prayer in my health and my attitude � I felt great all around. The group of us went to Christ�s Cathedral � I was utterly amazed. The grandeur of the architecture was phenomenal in itself, but to think about the fact that it was done without the help of large machinery and computers is, to me, beyond impressive. I sat in one awe-filled moment in the main sanctuary and imagined all of the people who went before me � so many years before me � to worship the same God that I do in that very same room. It was beyond words. I stepped down into the catacombs and was met with a cold shiver that ran quickly down my spine. It�s no secret that I�m not a fan of ghost stories, but there�s something about that eerie, almost insatiably curious feeling that I always invite to crawl over me. It�s the part of me that would always peek through my fingers during scary movies when my dad would tell me to close my eyes. He didn�t want me to have nightmares (and honestly I sometimes did) but I was somehow always willing to risk it. It�s the part of me that wonders �what�s the scariest thing I could see if I turned around right now?� My imagination makes it so I�m too scared to turn around, until my curiosity wins the battle and I turn to find nothing. It�s the part of me that loves the woods at night and likes to hear about haunted houses. I just love the spooky feeling you get. That was a really long story to say that the catacombs were cool. The best part of the day, though, was most definitely the time we got to spend with the kids. I absolutely love kids, especially high school age. I missed my own youth group today. But I was grateful for the time spent with them, joking around or just listening to them (and no, Irish kids are no different than American kids outside of the accent). The lesson tonight was about friendship, and the girls in charge of it said that sometimes friendship requires a person to be honest and to confront their friend in love. Now, this is nothing I haven�t heard a million times, but as I heard it again last night, I immediately though � wow, that�s hard. After I rolled it over in my mind for awhile, I remembered that I�m an honest person, and I�m not as ill-prepared to handle conflict as I let on. Then I began to wonder why I pretend to be so afraid of conflict and fake having such a hard time being honest. Sometimes there are desirable flaws that I think will make me more endearing to the people around me. Like some man might say, �Oh, she�s scared of conflict, what a sweet, gentle creature.� I try so hard to be that sweet, gentle creature that I forget to be me sometimes; and I don�t necessarily lack sweetness or gentleness, but if I�m to follow after Christ and be his likeness, I need to strive to be a balance and allow him to reverse my flaws � no matter how romantic they may be. I depend too much on human approval, for one; but I would rather instead of people say, �Aww, she�s sweet� say, �Man, I really respect her.� And if they don�t, then that�s okay, too. And if a man can�t see me as something good or someone he wants to spend his time with, then my striving to be flawless in Christ and to please only God shouldn�t change, but should be made stronger. I�ve discovered for the 397th time that you avoid feeling left out and start connecting with people when you actually include yourself and make yourself desirable to hang out with. I had an awesome time with other members of the Great Lakes team today, either in just talking and hanging out or in late night euchre games (of which Jason and I could not win against the likes of Christy and Travis). Speaking of euchre � I can�t remember the last time I laughed so hard. All four of us were consistently bent over with tears in our eyes. To put it briefly � good times. Even though I plan on coming back (since these people are in charge of the Team Expansion interns), I�m still really sad that we�re leaving on Sunday. Yes, there are things about home that I miss, and I could only be feeling this way because I know I�m going home; but I already miss these people. Not the weather, not the castles, not even the chocolate (though that�s phenomenal as well) � these people have truly touched me and blessed me in a way that they could never know. Saturday, February 19, 2005 Well, it comes down to this. I hate goodbyes. It always seems so final. It breaks my heart to think about never seeing these people again. I�m doing an internship here or nowhere. In a few short hours, I�ll be on my way home � a home that I don�t miss. I�m not bitter toward my home, and I do love my family very much; but I really have no one waiting for me. There will be no one there to meet me at the gate when I step off the plane. Don�t misunderstand � this is no pity party � I�m just realizing in large volumes the fact that I can pick up and follow where God leads me with no strings attached. That feels better than any comfort I could fashion for myself at Great Lakes. God has something bigger planned for me after college � I just have to stick through these next few years to see what it is. Maybe it will be Ireland. I can�t know now for sure, but I will never settle for less than the best that God is willing to give me, and that means waiting. There are things that I do miss from home. I miss my brother, my blankie, and the ability to live outside of a suitcase. This country has romanced me, though, and I find it hard to return to homework, dorm rooms, and the basic humdrum that is my life. I�ve tasted adventure � adventure that I�ve been craving for so long � and now as it�s dashed from my lips, I find myself again questioning my presence at Great Lakes rather than out in the world making a difference. I itch to be out serving, leaving the realm of comfort behind me, to get on a dirt bike I�ve never ridden before and run over rocks, take spills, and do jumps. I don�t live reckless enough. I don�t stand up to rejection enough. And I think I miss out on so many blessings in my life by staying stagnate rather than simply moving around and trying. How can God bless me when I sit on my hands? The problem is that when I�m buried under text books and papers, my sense of adventure subsides into someone more practical and sensible. I want to give way to my childlike imagination for good. �To get myself completely lost just one day Lose my map and lose my schedule, maybe throw them away You know it�s just too big a world to never try to lose my way.� -Tasha Golden I wish I could live a more romantic life. Sunday, February 20, 2005 I�ve never been so sad to leave a place. I was only here for a little over a week, and my, how it touched me. I was watching out of the plane window just now as the green sank farther and farther down, farther and farther away. I watched until a cloud rolled over her like a great white blanket to tuck her in. And when I could see her no more, I whispered, �Goodbye, Ireland.� I pray I get to come back. I�m seated in front of a kicker and it�s driving me absolutely berserk. I want to reach around and smack her. I�m already the weary traveler and I�ve got two more flights ahead of me. Oy. Perhaps I�ll check back later when I don�t feel like hurting small children. -------- Many hours later. As sad as I was to leave Ireland, the moment I set foot on home�s soil was a joyous one, I assure you. At this point I am very anxious to get home, and as our last flight has been cancelled due to bad weather, I see no end in sight. We�ve already checked our bags � they will arrive in Lansing on Monday or Tuesday. We�ve been given two options here in Chicago: either we can spend the night in the airport until a flight goes out tomorrow, or we can find our own way to Lansing. We opted for the latter, though the prospect of a six hour car ride is not appealing to me at this point. I just want to get home. -------- Well, we crammed into our rented vehicles for several hours and finally made it home. I have no luggage, but it�s good to be back to a place that I recognize. I didn�t miss this place and I didn�t necessarily have a desire to return to it, but now that I�m here, I won�t refuse it. The frustration that I encounter is that everything here is the same as it was when I left except for me. I�ve been changed yet I�m expected to be the same in the environment that I�ve always known. I suppose on many levels, I am the same; but it would be very easy for me to sink into a prior self, and I�m not so sure it�s what I desire to happen or what should be the case. If God changes me, I should desire to remain changed, right? It�s like those people who have braces on their teeth � over time; your teeth will shift back into their previous crooked positions. I don�t think that God wants me to remember what I looked like when I was crooked; and supposedly people are supposed to wear a retainer to stop that, though I don�t know what would represent a retainer in this analogy. All of this bearing with it the knowledge that I�ve never had braces, so I don�t truly know what I�m talking about. I almost expect there to be some sort of outstanding, translucent light above my bed telling me the truth of my actions and giving me a game plan of making sure that I remember everything that I�ve been taught in these past few days. I cringe to think of returning to the perfunctory schedule that I�ve mastered of going through the motions. I think a life in Christ is one that should stretch a person and bring them daily out of their realm of comfort; and here I sit. The problem is not Great Lakes, the problem is me. Being in Ireland made it easy to feel like I was actually living. The harder task is practicing reckless abandon in a place that I�ve come to feel so comfortable over the years. There�s no guide for that floating above my bed. |