| b r e a k m e |
| so i guess for now i am alone. i find for one brief moment i can condone myself in my hazy memories only to stumble upon the hurt again and i discover that everything that i believed in has vanished and has wrought this hole through my spirit and i can feel the loss throughout all that i am i don't choose to show the world the life beyond the mask i long to keep the pain hidden and i know this way it'll be better even if no one can help if they don't know its there the common knowledge would kill me. and rocking the boat only initiates the crying the harsh altercations that arise rip my flesh limb by limb bone by bone until my mind lies in rubble at my bedside the puzzle unsolvable and i think until it hurts.. until my entire being throbs with anguish i fear that i am too transparent can they see the scars i hide? i try to understand to know my damage to discern if the turmoil i cause is constantly there or only in my head and i find more confusion than before but somehow i am always in the wrong even when my intentions lie elsewhere. in their eyes.. i'm found increasingly depraved the trust vanishes the anger thickens so i'm left in my neverending circle of conjectures they simply give up and move on because i'm "too hard to figure out." and the utterances haunt me while i'm asleep and the stars just seem so far apart and i feel so miniscule to the great skydome so unimportant in its likeness. even in a room alone the chair on the opposite wall has a purpose so then i wonder why i write verses like i'm dying i wonder why my sadness lasts me two lifetimes and i feel like no one stays. i almost wish i were an evil person so they'd have a reason to go to leave me on the brink of tears so i wouldn't just be high maintenence. but i choke my blood congeals in my chest and no tears come. so here is me melancholy to the core a prisoner of the enigma bound and chained to the wall with cryptic poeticism parching my lips making you feel my pain with my words and you back away inch by inch to the crescendo of my anger wanting to run but too scared to do so scared of what i might do. i ask you not to do me any favors. you think that by leaving i would crumble? i wouldn't give you the satisfaction. i won't give you what you want to see i'm calling your bluff. the pressure builds the strain is pressed upon every inch of my body, mind, and soul and i bend with the weight of a thousand worrisome words and a thousand malicious feelings but you won't hear the snap of my back echo throughout the sullen darkness it'll take more to break me i dare you to try. 4/13/01 |