"Early one morning pilled-up and thinkative it just clicked into place. Days later i tried to assemble this theory into coherent words. And failed. Miserably...."
People wear these fucked up lenses that make them see themselves making an effort to fit in etc. Fucking New Look trendies. No its not normal!! Look at yourselves! What element of your self/personality is actually showing when you just dress yourself in high-street 'alternative' and trendy wear. What do clothes matter? Even in alternative clubs, where anyone should be able to go, have their own set of codes and conformities. Its so crazy. What you wear isn't a statment of who you are. I'm not saying the should dress crazy but take the blinkers off!!
Its like restricted eyesight, trying to actually function with an active mind. Like some people just don't have the ability to look beneath clothes and what they superficially see. Like me at the Villa, people judge me for looking too normal?! Feck off, to be fair!
Its like wearing glasses to make themselves feel normal and then judge everyone else. Like pikeys! We may not look normal to you and you may feel fucking trandy, but its the exact same for us. We're all normal underneath.
Nobody should have to be paranoid or feel out of place or.... I forget. Normalising glasses. Its crazy shit.
Work Rant
I think I've played enough fucking solitaire to last a bloody lifetime. Really pisses me off, its such a waste of time just sitting here when i could be doing something else. ANYTHING else. Like picking my nose, organisig a world rally against animal cruelty, writing music, ranting shit; even sleeping! What i wouldn't give for a lie-in... Every fucking morning in at 8 o'clock. Where's the justice in that?! So, lets see; i get up early every morning to rush to work, just to sit about and feel tired... Hmmm, and they ask me if I'm happy working in my new job? Yes, i smile and say, not what i'm used to but i'm sure I'll settle in. Yeah, fucking get used to sitting about and switching off and longing for menial mindnumbing things to do. I suppose you can look at the macrospective; the cause and effect of my measly job... But then you start power tripping, realising how much you can fuck up people's lives by rejecting them. But hey, most of them don't even give a shit, and thats not the middle-class snob in me talking; the amount of fucking shit application forms we've had just so they can say they've applied. People think the whole process is so pedantic; and its agenuine attitude that comes across. I know in principle application forms, but its what you've got to do. I mean, at the end of the day if you want to get angry at the world and make a stand, you need the money to fucking do it in a town like this. Its not a communal way of life, its dog eat dog, and the dog that gets kicked down or just hides from the fight has to get down the job-centre. Not that its a bad thing, i think benefits are great; for the people that need them. Really fucks me off that people get sucked into the benefit cycle, they hate their lives and then their kids go and do it. Enough money to get by, not enough money make a decent go. So fucking hard to break free of everything that you're used to. I know I'm lucky, I've got the financial support to get on with my life in the direction i choose; i wish i could give everyone the comfort of just living and
I just talked to a lady whose husband is in hospital because he's just had a major heart attack. And she turned up for her interview, just for somebody to talk to. Thats the kind of help i want to give. Little things that make the world go round a little better. Like people buying me a drink when I'm genuinely skint; how kind are you all?! The things that mean so little to one person or take so little effort, can mean so much to the other person. Argh, its all about the opportunity to have revelations like that; they change how you interact with people and have so much effect. Its all about money goddammit!
That little encounter has calmed me down, don't have energy to start a full on money rant; this is going to turn into a reminiscing session if i'm not careful. So thank you, and until next time; take care of yourselves - and each other.
* * * * Counting Crows
There are certain bands that until you look back you don't realise how much you've grown. And I have grown so much, and Counting Crows have been there through out. Being part of the soundtrack.
I heard my first Crows track on a 'Best of Maxim '96' compilation with a scantily clad tart on the front, and it was 'Angels of the Silences'. I was just starting to get into my own music and it was really starting to matter to me. It was one of the first song I whacked on repeat to alternately and crazily mime the lyrics to and play air guitar. I pranced round my bedroom to the inner rock-star with absolutely no shame. The Manics were my 'first' band, but every time I needed a break from them, on that track would go.
I went out a bit later and spent my measly pocket money on the cheapest album of theirs I could find, which didn't even have 'Angels of the Silences' on. Hey, I was 12! Money was just not something I had. In fact I still don't, but music matters more. When I first started working I invested in 'August and Everything After', and it became my soundtrack to break-ups, Sunday mornings, beach get togethers and just one of those albums I always came back to. My illicit affair with Americana had begun. (I was as jumpy as a small child about to get a fat bar of chocolate before hand. And as nervous a teenager about to go on a first date.)
Given her fair dues amongst all this unashamed admiration, Gemma Hayes was excellent. Just when you thought she was going to just not prove her self and wimp out like so many solo female artists before her, naming no names, she started to rock too. Truly a touching good girl and totally what I wasn't expecting, can't think of anyone better to support the Crows. Except maybe me. My time will come, just you wait.
But then there they were. The first song. It was so surreal at first, there were some people playing music and it sounded suspiciously like Counting Crows. Hours in the bedroom posing like the star I'd never be, growing up and raging hormones, boyfriends loved and lost, tears, joy anger, spite, shame. Songs that have encapsulated so much meaning and I never even realised.
It became a total overwhelming reality when the intro to 'Mr Jones' came on. And it all just crashed over me. Tears streaming down my face I sang every word. To hear it live and put real people and images to a song that had gradually become such an intrinsic part of my life was in-fucking-describable. From there on in I was emotionally tripping with rock angels. All the years of bedroom dancing finally became a public embarrassing jive when they played 'Angels of the Silences'. 'Round Here'. With Baltimore impro. Tears. Enough said. There's just nothing I can say! 50 million records and 50 million miles higher than music had ever taken me.
Only a couple of bands of bands have genuinely changed my life, and Counting Crows were never one of them. They've just always been there from the start, part of who I am. Blending in. that really came home when he started talking about trout; who out of my old school friends remembers 'Hey! You stole my trout!'. Crazy. But to see them, there, only a few feet away has changed me. Re-founded my faith in the music I listen to, and in American rock. (It was just starting to get so samey.) And in the ability of live music to really touch me in a way I never thought it could. Or would. My mate had waited more than ten years to see them, he always seemed to miss them; wrong time, wrong place, wrong bank balance. Can't imagine how he must have felt, but I would gladly wait another ten years just re-live all those memories that Crows have and will capture along the way.
A BLUNT WITTY END REMARK WOULD BE QUITE NICE HERE
* * *
Storytime
I started these stories before I met Ollie, so you can�t imagine how I felt when I re-read them later and found how I�d described the guy she blindly falls in love with. And other random parts, like; �he was only 19�, or the office job, his distress at life. Its so bizarre its actually quite scary. He really was my true love, the kind of person some people never get the chance to meet. So I�ve renamed the main character Paul in tribute to that. Not to make him live again in some kind of literal sense; how could I ever recreate him? Just hope I can link these stories, carry it all on and maybe even this introduction can be printed one day. I started these two stories at some point in 2000, recent events have given me the drive to carry on these dreamworlds. Not dream as in idealistic, idealism is something greatly lacking, but just not real. I�m going to mission on with the story now, this is getting way too self-indulgent. And obviuosly i never finished either....
Page1
Adoration oozed from the very air and space around her as she gazed upon the one she knew she loved, blindly adored and dreamed of. And she only knew his name, his Number and his face. Her thoughts:
.........mod, brown hair, blue eyes, surprisingly callused hands and long frail fingers, lanky build. All these things drew me to him the moment I saw him. That and the thunderbolt that struck my heart as soon as our eyes met; (she sighs) his intense gaze. His name was Paul and that was our beginning.....
I don�t believe in love, trust and faith; all just superficial and over-exaggerated emotions. People should know and protect themselves before latching onto others. Marriage is for the insecure, those that need the protection of commitment. But then this view is essential, my ideas personify all humanoid social relations. Humans need the most intrinsic work within the Social Relations department, so I head only human dominated planets. All seventeen of them. Like any other job that involves emotional work, must remain emotionally uninvolved; and desensitisation does set in. After all, this is my eighth year working.
* * * * * * * *
Forces drive people. As the mechanics of science tell us; people are powered and driven by chemical reactions, effort, energy. Yet the life-force is what controls them; makes them live gives them motivation, ambition, a will and a way. The complexity of the human mind means its existence in group and as an individual is infinetly intricate. Humans may think they control their lives, yet the power of society is what overwhelms them. Society makes their lives look no more futile than an ant attempting to scuttle home with the body of his mate on his back. So what am I saying?
Life-force + society = Force
And who controls this Force? How could they know? They carry on in their senseless lives oblivious to the true and ultimate control being excercised over them. Let us pan out.. This is Earth, your Earth in fact, even from here you can see the big crater from the nuclear war in 2003. Further Earth is that dot, no; the one just to the right. Further... Earth fills the screen again, yet its some how surrounded by a frame. Just a little further... What�s this? A control panel?
Welcome to my office (if you can call it that). My name is Paul. I am colleague number #36785342, and this is room 101. The irony of this doesn't escape me. You can't really call the 0.2m2 area an office, or evena workable space but its better than the sweatshops down below.
up here on floor 42 we may still be mere workers, but at least i control a planet and over 2,000 people on floors below me control the more intrinsic motions of the only inhabitable planet in Galaxy #4789; commonly known as Earth. Romour has it i'm to be promoted to Assistant of relations in [andromeda] soon. Another rung in the ladder of one of the most hidden companies of all time; Force plc.
Original i know, but any comments against the name can lead to drastic action. if you show any sign of anti-company attitudes you'll be back down processing endless meaningless data. Unbeknownst to all planets with living species, the hierachy of the University of Life-force and Social Power have controlled the actions of all beings created as a consequence of the big bang; a minor accident from which the only good was it created thousands of jobs. But corruption between government and education systems led to the privatising of public comp[anies, in an attempt to reduce mass unemployment in the Xethyl [plane; henceforth Force plc came about. A clever vote winner which resulted in uneducated people controlling the lives of billions o beings in numerous galaxies.
I risk many lives by writing this, but especially my own. especially since the synthetic Earth i control demands constant attention. but an exposure is being planned. People want the responsibility of the lives they control to go to people qualified. there are beings with sentient ideas like ourselves, yet their treated like nothing. Even worse than the cleaning robots on our floor; even they are protected by laws! The exposing and liberating of Force plc. to all its most basic components; starting here in my section; the Milky Way spreading to Andromeda and than numair and hopefully the mass of wokers will realise the importance of this liberation of beings.
* * * *
Second impulse
Sound of closing doors
seals the day and i'm finally alone.
i look about, glad to be finally at rest
at being on my own.
i walk about and touch things to
concrete my reality
and put the long day of
fake smiles and loneliness
far far behind me
and yet after a moments of comfort
i look about and long to be
here and yet with people just like me
So i turn my back on being alone once more,
i turn around and walk back out the door
to be myself, but truly this time,
and go out to friends, love and life.
* * * *
And so I dumped my first boyfriend, lol, gutted. No, it'd been coming for a while and hey; We were 16! together for a year?! nothing lasts for ever. Parp.
"Paul,
it was shame you left so abruptly last night, but it did give me a chance to finish this rather amazing book i got out the library. not another cultural epic to tell you of, which we so often relate to each other, but it depart anither meaning of life. A comic novel and i thought i would depart this rather treasurable meaning with you:
'When you stand on the table you can touch the ceiling."'
Rather profound and also simple. To touch the ceilig, which i take to be my aspirations, i don't need anyone, i don't need you. i just need to retain that simpleness which has come out of all the complexity, really. So if this whoole thing with you and me is too hard then lets finish it. i don't hink i've got a heart to speak of, my head controls my life. I'm a thinker, and a dominant introvert abstarct one at that. I don't know what i'm doing anymore, but i do know that the bubble that we created about ourselves has been severly destroyed and its time to wake up again. see you on thursday....
luck, kate