TITLE: Waiting To Derail 
AUTHOR: Ragna (WritingGoddess@aol.com, RaverRagna@excite.com) 
RATING: PG. 
CLASSIFICATION: Buffy POV with Xander/Amy. 
SUMMARY: Willow believes Xander betrays her. 
SPOILERS: "Grave" 
DISTRIBUTION: Any sites with my fic up; you all have unspoken 
permission. I write it, you can post it. Everyone else just keep my 
name on it and let me know. 
PREVIOUS PARTS/ARCHIVED AT: http://www.allslaynoplay.net/slayercommathe 
DISCLAIMER: If you don't recognize it, chances are it's my own creation. 
If you do, Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kazui Sandollar, FOX and the WB 
own it or them. Various friends of mine are holding characters hostage. 
You may see them by appointment only. 
FEEDBACK: Sorry I'm not home right now I'm walking in the spiderwebs 
so leave a message and I'll call you back...in other words, I want it. 
Don't care if it's onlist or not, but I prefer offlist since I have 
quite a few lists on No Mail. 
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Answers to Teija's challenge (#168) and Improv #47 
(using a Ryan Adams song title as the fic title). 
DEDICATED: To the person I love who I can't have.
*****
I guess it all started when he started dating Amy as rebound for Anya. 
She tried to corrupt Willow, and that didn't work. Xander and Willow 
just...drifted. I mean, Willow was so pissed off at Amy that for Xander 
to date her was...I guess it was a personal betrayal.

I thought Willow was going to go insane. I mean, it wasn't like when 
she lost Tara, and she just went after Warren and the others. At that 
point, Xander could still get through to her. This time, though, she 
was so hurt that nothing could change it. And she was alone. She 
wouldn't date again. She barely ate. I was so worried about her; she 
didn't care anymore about anything. Except Xander's betrayal.

She was still angry at him.

When Amy got pregnant, that was the last straw. Willow shut herself in 
the room for a week. Dawn and I tried hard to get her to come out. We 
didn't even want her to go around Xander, we just wanted her to come 
out of the room.

When she finally did, she wasn't the Willow I've known for so long. 
She was gaunt and sickly. Her hair was matted and dull. Her eyes were 
red. Not red rimmed like she'd been crying, but red. She didn't say a 
word but walked out the door.

"Please, go follow her," Dawn begged, beginning to cry. "Don't let her 
do anything bad."

So I followed.

***

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to Xander."

"He doesn't want to talk to you. Go away."

"Just because you fucked him and got yourself pregnant doesn't mean you 
own him."

"Maybe I don't own him. But he doesn't want to talk to you."

"Xander!"

I watched from the hallway. Willow was trying so hard, and Amy was just 
shooting her down. I almost thought Willow was going to backhand Amy, 
but finally I heard his voice.

"Willow."

"Xander, what have you done?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you see in her? She tried to corrupt me. She almost made me 
kill Dawnie by getting me that magical high. And now she's trying to 
keep you away from me, your friend who really needs you."

"Willow, you're talking about my fiancee."

Willow just froze. I should have rushed over there and forcibly pulled 
her away. She raised her hand and wiped her face. I could barely hear 
her say what she said next.

"You love her?"

"Yes, I love her. Willow..." He sighed. "Willow, I want to stay friends. 
I really do. But you can't hate Amy if you want to stay my friend."

"I tried, it didn't work, I haven't the energy," she said. "I haven't 
the energy."

And she dropped on the spot.

I think she died of a broken heart that day. I think it was all too 
much for her. And I was heartbroken. But I was going to learn from her 
mistake. She'd been waiting to derail, to disappear from the life she 
led. She just hadn't the energy to live anymore.